You know that feeling when something new crosses your path and it seems so promising and you light up thinking it's going to be great and you're all just tingling excitement can't wait to dive right into it -- and then you do give it some portion of your life/energy/attention and it's just nothing at all what it seemed to promise it would be, what you set your hopes and staked your time on it being, and now you're just disappointment and all, "O hell no! Nope nope nope! This isn't any damn thing I wanted and not at all what I thought it would be!" but now you're in it so you see it through to the end because maybe it could be something of what you had hoped... and then you get to the end and you're just like, "well damn. What. A. Waste. Of. My. time." And then it makes you more cautious, less easily enthusiastic, more likely to think you might get burned at the distance between your hopes and the reality, and sometimes it makes you doubt your own judgement for a time. Experiencing disappointment of failed expectation/hope makes you jaded and fearful when you find something new that gets you excited.

I'm talking this time about a book I discovered in a little library and at least it was free so I didn't invest in the book itself coming into my life and it was a super quick read so it was just like a little fling not a 1,000+ pg commitment. But that set of FEELINGS through the arc of discovery, experiencing the reality that isn't what you'd hoped, and the disillusionment it creates is the same... And it got me thinking. About how it's a part of growing up that experience teaches you this cycle because inevitably, you WILL be disappointed and disillusioned by reality not measuring up to the expectations you projected onto it. (this can be true for books and albums and people and relationships and places and ideals and philosophies and religions and technology and just about anything you can imagine existing.)  And. I think. There's something to be said about learning to protect yourself from the cycle repeating, from learning discernment and learning to take things for what they are not what you EXPECT they could be based on your first impressions. I understand the reason people get tempted by it and it wears them down into the placidity of responsible adulthood's cynicism and lowered expectations. And sometimes people grow to fear what makes them excited enough to want what it seems to them to be and a percentage of people decide never to try to pursue it or claim it or know it because you can't be hurt disillusioned by the reality if you don't ever claim what you want, never find out the reality of its isness....But I think there's something wrongheaded there, a conclusion that isn't right and a lesson to be unlearned rather than letting it dominate your choices/actions.

Because I think there's something in that first reaction to new things the way a child reacts to a new experience -- it's something precious and to be cherished and protected and not to let it be destroyed in the soul crushing reality disillusioning us from our projected expectations. because the act of getting excited at discovering something new that seems like it will be wonderful to you IS a magickal enthusiastic way to view the world. It makes everything sparkle and shine brighter than the round of repeated habits. It's something people lose as they age, after every bump back down to earth of finding out it didn't live up to what you thought it might. I think the right way to navigate life and experiencing it is that you allow yourself to be excited by promises of good things and you allow yourself to be excited and to choose what draws you -- and then you discover what it IS and try not to project onto it what you EXPECT it to be. Because the disillusionment and hurt is the gap between what you project onto it and what it IS. But if you just, let yourself discover its isness and take it for that, then the disillusionment of feeling a broken promise doesn't happen. 

The way of feeling your own aliveness is to feel the excitement of stumbling across things that appeal to you and get you excited and draw you to them, and then the process of discovering its isness and finding out how you ACTUALLY feel about the reality of the esse that crossed your path. 

And in this case I'm talking about a book, and it's just not a particularly good book and doesn't hang together on its own plot or created universe/world. It's just not well crafted fiction. It just wasn't. But the EXPERIENCE of the discovering it in a little library and being excited to read it and then the reading of it itself and finishing it so quickly, all of that is to be sought. You don't just get excited, wanted to get to know the book and then decide you're never going to read it so it can never disappoint you. That's not the right lesson to learn from getting excited discovering something that turned out to just be not great.

And. I think. When you find anything that excites you with the seeming potential of it, it's wrong to be afraid of finding out what the reality IS so you can hang onto your excitement and hope and projection of what you HOPE it could be. Sure it will never disillusion you with its reality, but you'll also never get to discover what its nature IS and you'll miss out on some actually amazing things if you let the disappointment of a few bad experiences stop you from getting excited or opening the pages to a new book discovery that promises it COULD be delightful.

 Apply that metaphor as applicable. In all aspects of life and what you encounter in life. Allow yourself to feel the excitement and be drawn by the pull of discovery -- and then focus on discovering the reality of ISNESS without projecting your expectations/hopes onto it. And sometimes, sometimes you find treasures that sparkle with something REAL and that delights you more than you can put into words and you're just in awe of watching it in all its variations and forms. And that is breath takingly marvelous when that happens!  And then on the other hand, if it's not great, finishing it up, end it cleanly, and find what DOES excite you, what makes the world shine a bit brighter.

Me? I'm gonna go put the kettle on and cleanse my mental palette with a chapter or two of Braiding Sweetgrass and then find a new novel and try again.

P. S. No need to doubt or even question the nature of my hair tonight, curl beast is VERY curly after having just had a wash day on Tuesday morning and all the rain/humidity recently -- the volume of feral spirals is still barely contained by the barrette holding it half up out of my face today.