For the record, my snow giddies have absolutely nothing to do with either a) the dinner date or anything related to that or b) any of the sword edged truths and intuitive knowings from last night which I still am keeping to myself at this time. My snow giddies are just a thing unto themselves. Always have been.
I just get extremely luminously incandescently joyous whenever it snows. It's like the most beautiful benediction and blank slate and reminder of just how improbable the beauty that IS and how lucky I feel to get to experience it.... It's just something that has always delighted me in a deeply spiritual beaming joy and love into the world way every time I get to experience snowfall. It's totally a me thing -- I have had more than one ex get jealous over how happy the snow makes me and wondering why I never would light up like that seeing him. Which is a pretty fair critique of me not having as much emotional investment as I should have -- but also snow is the most magical and beautiful thing!!! It beautifies everything it touches and ti fills one with wonder in the Creation and how physics can make something so wondrously beautiful from two of the most basic and life giving atoms: Hydrogen and oxygen.... I mean, there's so much that fills me with gratitude and wonder that it IS despite all the odds against its existence. But fresh falling snow is always one of them. And it doesn't come when people order it, it happens when the conditions and tiing align, but then nothing can stop it. And it's a beauty that's free for everyone. The snow falling while I was out in Kirkland made my brother-in-law say with wonder while we were waiting at the bus stop with Jack, "You are just so giddy right now. I've never seen an adult with an ear to ear grin from something so simple and free." I mean, this is the sort of luminous full of wonder and starlight in my soul that snow falling makes me feel -- from today:
Things that are beautiful in their inteinsic ISNESS make me shine super bright with joy that they exist. I can't stand fake fronting lies and hypocrites, but things thay are genuine unto themselves and their own truth? Every time I see them I shine in my delight over the beauty of that defiance of isness.... Especially something as full of sparkly magic as fresh snow. Ain't nothing any oil baron heiress investors or musk worshipping crypto douchebag dude bros (both these types of shallow ego driven self-centered humans give me intensely visceral icks due to their moral relativism and soul sickness and I want nothing to do with them and I do everything I can to minimize them crossing my life path) can buy with all their ill gotten millions that can create from nothing the incadescant joy that I feel from something so simple and miraculous as snow falling and the beauty it paints on everything it touches.... I wouldn't sell the light in my soul for anything they could offer. And they have offered this life. I should tell you the full story sometime about when I was visiting my friend Fred who lives central Manhattan and while I was wandering my own discoveries while Fred was at work, I got pulled into some expensive prestigious invite only club because some young stockbroker in a suit saw me walking by and offered me however much I asked to have a drink with him and smile at him the way I had been smiling at a tree and the flowers by it. I got angry and said nothing while the lights all flickered in the building and one of the crystals in the chandelier shattered and dropped to the floor between us before I controlled my temper flare enough to raise my chin and look him in the eyes tell him, "My smiles and my time are not for sale. I give them to those who deserve them." Then I turned on my heel and walked out and the lightbulbs by the door fried themselves as I passed by... Not my finest moment as far as controlling my temper -- but you should have heard Fred howl with laughter until he cried when he heard the story. And then I let Fred take me to a French restaurant we'd been to with another friend who was in town from Paris and pay for the celebratory French bubbly. And then we went to his favorite piano bar (a gay piano bar with a lot of show tune, Fred being a mostly gay bi man, where people actually sounded amazing singing along and everyone gave me the biggest grins and hugs like we were old friends the second night we ended up there.
What can I say? You can take the girl out of France but you can't take the French standards of class and disdain for the tasteless ostentation of the nouveau riche out of the girl. My soul has been french too many time and this body is of French descent -- there's a vinyard with award winning wines and an ancient castle in Gascogne with my family's name on it from back when they were border march mercenaries. (There actually is, though the castle is closed for some refurbishment until the summer and most of it is of later date but a small portion of it goes back to the 12th century -- and it has ties to the brother of Jeanne d'Arc and there's a room where local legend says she stayed. I've never yet been to visit it this life, but it's beautiful and they host the most gorgeous weddings.... I'm also distantly related to the family that brought tulips to Netherlands and there's a very famous garden in the Netherlands named for that merchant branch. but I don't talk about him much because he was also a slave trader...) but I'm descended from the black sheep of the family who fell in love with an aerialist acrobat and so he ran away with the Russian circus and that's how he ended up stateside. My family lineage on every side of the family is so fucking weird -- the truth is even weirder than the family stories... There's a reason everyone in my family are non-conformist characters.)
But anyway. Fresh falling snow lights me up with joy and so far, none of my exes manage to hit that incandescent joy and wonder that their isness IS in my life despite all the odds against it. It's why I go through long bouts of deciding to stay single so as not to break hearts of people who I like well enough but know aren't meant for me. I dislike hurting people, and breakups always involve hurting people and as a precog, it makes me feel guilty when I can see the end before the beginning. I've promised myself never again will I date if I can see the end before the beginning, though I allow me to still go out with them if I see the end after the first couple dates because at least then I went into it without knowing I'd only hurt the guy who could make me "happy enough for a time." I mean, like, there's "happy enough" and then there's what lights your soul incandescent. And most of my dating has been people who I "loved well enough" and who made me "happy enough" but not anyone who makes me light up with incandescent joy even as much as snow makes me light up.
So anyway, this morning's transcendant brightness that left no room in me for any anger was entirely about the snow and the beauty and wonder of it. Had nothing to do with last night's dinner date.
I should finish this tea and head home fairly soon though... I need to head to my parents house early in the morning unless the weather makes it a bad idea to head up to green Bay for my cousin Teddy and his fiancée Felicia's baby shower for little Winston. Even though it will affect me watching World Cup and the most important game to me so far (France v. England) I will Tubi the matches (half hour after a match ends, FOX puts the full match of every World Cup match up on Tubi for free in the USA) after the fact or watch with my mom once we're back. On verra. But there's a non-zero possibility of freezing rain, freezing fog, mixed precipitation, and/or snow between here and Green Bay before we'd get back. So on verra.
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