Right. So. I know that I said I was done here and for my own reasons based on months of feeling I ought to let go and stop writing here as best course of actions,  etc etc. And I do intend to stand by that. But I would just like to say, this has been the strangest visit/holiday ever.....  Just sort of continuous testing of patience....

Firstly, the day I got here, Jack was sick coming down with who knows what something miserable. So far, in my two weeks here, everyone else in the household (and I think the dog too) has had a bad bout of it except me. If my sister is right and it's an adenovirus, I may have had mild symptoms over the weekend because I had a brief span of my eyes not focusing at Oona Tooba for lunch on Saturday and I've had weather headaches whenever pressure systems shift -- but nothing like the brain fog, exhaustion, fever spikes, constant chills, excessive phlegm production, lingering coughs, almost complete lack of appetite, loss of voice, etc of everyone else. Right before Thanksgiving, Jon tested to verify he doesn't have COVID, but who knows.... I mean, across these two weeks, it's knocked down one of them after the other with none of them quite recovered and my sister and Elliot (the baby) the most recent to get it and the sickest right now. Lots of concern about Elliot and watching her closely. Coin's still in the air as to whether I'll get it.... I have no symptoms like theirs and I often beat off infections even when I ought to get very ill like the times I definitely made out with exes back in high school and college when they had what later was tested as strep and the other mono and I got neither of them. I don't typically make stupid choices around infectious diseases, and I've not yet caught COVID (based on lack of symptoms and testing after known or probable exposure risks) but it's typically a once in seven year event for me to even get a cold.... I haven't had the flu in nearly 20 years. I get migraines and I have a glass stomach for stomach bugs, but it's always been quite rare for most upper respiratory infections to affect me....

Anyway. So everyone but me is sick, which means lower energy and spoons and increased irritability in the kids which has made for significantly more squabbling and behavioral issues compared to usual. Which has tried my patience significantly -- though he's gotten better since the time I told Jack to stop doing something dangerous on the bunk bed and he didn't listen right away so I bopped right above his nose but didn't touch it told him "Bad Pikachu! You could seriously hurt yourself or Mo!" (he's super into Pokemon right now) and a static electric shock visibly and audibly arced from my finger to his nose. 

There was the night terror that woke me up alert protective and soon after I went to sleep, Monroe woke up screaming  from a nightmare she couldn't remember. (she is an empath and gets precogs, though so far only little ones) 

Jon's garage door opener fried it's circuits and we had to switch the pads (his is the three row family suv with all wheel drive, my sister's car is 4 seats and summer tires) and until the replacement comes in my sister's garage door only open by touching two stripped wires that used to lead into the garage door opener base.... 

Then,. Because of the winter storm slamming Seattle area, we've been uncertain if my flight will even leave. And Cathy and I agreed not worth her driving here in dangerous conditions today (it snowed heavily here all day, before changing to mixed precipitation and high winds) or her going to Port Angeles and Sequim tomorrow. So I'm at my sister's family house tonight -- which should make watching the France game easier in the morning. EXCEPT that at 10:36pm a winter storm warning (not just the watch) was released for all of Seattle island until morning, many roads closed as impassible, due to sudden heavy wet snow overnight. And the lights which have been flickering all afternoon and evening, had a rather lengthy really rolling brownout around 9ish, turned into a blackout at 10:45 right after Miche and Jon headed to bed and while I was waiting in the kitchen for the electric to boil for my chamomile tea. I got annoyed When it first went out and surged the power back into this house long enough for my water to finish boiling (everything nearby even streetlights we're out for that minute) then released it when the boil started so the kettle. Licked off and calmly turned on my phone flashlight to pour the water. My sister and brother-in-law came out brushing their teeth to grab flashlights and my sister looked at me really hard the way she gets when she can't deny my gifts or how they scare her and she said, "That was you held the power on here after it first went out, wasn't it?" I shrugged said, "I wanted my tea." She snorted said, "you would. Was that worth using up the last electricity in the grid for the entire county?!" I shrugged again said, "I thought so." Jon said awkwardly, "Well thanks. Our phones were on the chargers while we were both in the bathroom where it's pitch black without power and you gave us time to safely finish up get to the bedroom and then follow the glow from your phone flashlight to get to the actual flashlights out here." They're both atheists but too many improbable and wyrd things happen surrounding me so I'm their "inexplicable to science" exception when it comes to witchy gifts. 

Anyway. Weird visit. My phone is currently at 70% and it's not worth me using up the flashlight battery or phone charge to read or fritter time on my data plan (no power = no wifi) because who knows when power will be back to charge it (due to the mountains and super tall conifers, power outages from wind or ice can be frequent and last 12-36hrs. I've been here before in dangerous windstorms taking our power, but never when it's hovering around freezing. We pulled down all the blinds just in case and I have the blankets from the rumpus room in case it get cold tonight with no heat.

So I guess I'll sleep now. Wyrd wyrd time of the world and strange visit this time. Good, but arrange. 

Anyway. Bonne nuit.

 I have come to the decision that I am going to close this window into my heart and soul then set it to private to authors -- which is me. I have been contemplating this for many months now and being at my sister's has helped me to realize it is in my own best interests to listen to my intuitive closing of this window and cutting cords that do not serve to bring either strength or joy into my life. My reasons are my own and I do not owe anyone am explanation for my actions or my choices to close chapters where they have lingered open too long. 

There isn't really any particular reason for it. Just an intuitive knowing and hunch for months now that it's the course for me to choose from where things are currently. Not knowledge based, not logical, just a knowing, intuitive. 

This isn't open for discussion. This is my choice. My free will is as sacrosanct as any other and unless you choose me from a genuine inner place of love, you have no claim on my choices nor do you deserve any explanations from me over anything I do.  And don't seek for me, don't even reach for me, unless and until you're ready to choose me. This reward life I asked that I always be surrounded in love for me qua me after the lessons and trauma of last life being idolized and known by the entire world but nobody seeing the true me.... If you can't choose me and love me for me qua me, don't bother to seek me or reach for me -- such reaching will no longer be allowed without coming from a place of genuine love and choosing me as I am this life. And if you're too scared for a choice like that, then please don't seek me out or reach for me. I won't answer and I will send you away. Every time. 

There are many things I could say, but I won't. I am pleased as punch that France won their second match as well so they are the only team guaranteed to move on to the knockout stage of World Cup that begins after I return again to the frozen tundra. Also, it pleases me because I will most likely be somewhere en route to Port Angeles and Sequim on Wednesday morning and can't guarantee my ability to watch the match. So knowing it's not clutch do or die eases my feelings. Look, just because a girl's soul is still exiled from France for reasons dating back to la Grande Terreur doesn't mean she is any less loyal than she ever used to be..... And in any international team event, my first loyalty will always be to France. Always and always. So much so that tonight I made my only Black Friday purchase to buy myself some official gear (a jacket, a tee, and a polar bear wearing a France jersey) from the official FFF shop -- for some reason the things I desires were heavily discounted and only available in my size and then further discounts came off when I went to checkout and PayPal had the exchange rate significantly different from all other exchange rates and decidedly in my favor.... of the $72 I spent on prepping Les Bleus, $26 of that was the international shipping.... I really want a jersey, but I can choose between Mbappé because I love his child-like delight to play which makes watching how he plays is like watching real magic or Giroud because I've had a crush on him longer than Millennial girls have been crushing on Beckham.... Also, I don't want to spend €110,99 on a jersey. I mean, my only Packers jersey is a lady's Rodgers jersey bought to put on a German Shepherd that was literally cut off the dog and then given to me for free which my sister helped me salvage into a no name jersey that you can barely tell has a random crooked wonky ass seam down the back. 

Alors. J'adore les bleus, mais je ne veux pas payer un prix si cher pour un maillot.... 

Also. There's a small chance of me getting snowed in here in Seattle area. Forecast keeps shifting, but my sister is definitely bemoaning, "I forgot to telly ou before you came that you couldn't bring the snow yet, Elsa!"

 Thinking of which: when I said that I likely wouldn't write here because my only real introvert recharge time is at night, I wasn't thinking about World Cup and that much of that I'm the only one interested in watching it while my nephew is at school. 😆 Whoops. 

Got up for the Senegal v Netherlands match at 5am this morning, but then I hung out with everyone skipped the 8am match until after getting back from walking Jack to his bus stop and saying goodbye to Monroe. Honestly, there's no way I can make it through the next week and a half of everyone's up at 7:15am and breakfast by 8am with minimal time by myself til after 10:30pm in a household of a Virgo mom, a Taurus dad, a 7 year old Scorpio boy, a 4 year old Leo girl, and a 5.5 month old Gemini if I'm also trying to be awake for matches starting at 2am, 5am, 8am, and 11am.... So as good as Argentina is, it's bedtime for me now! Non zero possibility I decide to sleep the extra 2 hours instead of those 5am matches, but we'll see. 

The time zone difference sucks, and heading westward made it even worse. But as much as I get invested in World Cup, its weird not to have it in the summer and I have serious issues on humanitarian grounds regarding this host nation and the use of slave labor in the construction of it.... So while I'm still invested in the matches, especially those I care most about, I'm cooler than tepid regarding the event as a whole.....

France matches are really my must see matches in group stage and I'll be back home and several time zones later for starts of matches once we enter the bracket tournament phase . I have other allegiances and teams I like, but for me Les Bleus is where it's at! I wanted USA and Wales to be a draw today's because I'm American but I love me a good underdog story and it's been 64 years since the Welsh made World Cup. I definitely packed my Welsh flag tank top for the Wales v. England match.... 

Anyway. Snooze & Snuggle tea now (chamomile and lavender) so I can sleep and more World Cup tomorrow and maybe some stories. On verra. Last night I woke up at 3:10, sudden wide awake watchful even though the entire house was asleep even the crazy cat, no dreams I could remembers but suddenly awake for no reason. I made me try to fall back asleep and right after I did, Monroe woke up screaming at 3:40 with a nightmare..... I don't know if it will happen again, but I find it curious that I work up so sudden wide awake watchful laying in the dark and as soon as I made myself sleep something disturbed her dreams that badly.... It tempts me to stay up more than the soccer matches tbh. Today I energy gridded and warded the entire house rather than just the basement where the office is with the spare room bed. But if there's something going on (and not something seeking or hunting me) I want to deal with it while I'm here, y'know? If it's nothing but a coincidence or her turbulent dream space awakening me to sudden instinctive alertness (can a bad dream last half hour though?) that would be good. But if it's more than that, it's for me to deal with. Not just because I deal with such things everywhere but also because my sister is an engineer brained analytical atheist who denies her gifts (and the gifts of others) and Monroe is an unguarded no proper training of energy defenses 4year old with intensely strong empathy and telepath gifts and who knows what else. So if there's something more, it's for me to deal with to protect her and never to mention it to my sister, brother-in-law, or nephew who are all very literal analytical type A engineering comp sci atheists....  

P. S. 1:11pm addendum from the next day: 

ALLEZ LES BLEUS!!!!!!! ALLEZ LES BLEUS!!!!!!! ALLEZ LES BLEUS!!!!!!! 😁🇫🇷⚽🇫🇷😁 

4-1 WIN OVER AUSTRALIA!!!!!!!!! IF FRANCE WINS THE SATURDAY MATCH, THEY ARE DEFINITELY MAKING IT TO THE ROUND OF 16 TOURNAMENT!!!!!!! 

Also, they showcased some impressively beautiful skills and setups and pressure! Hot damn!

Are there issues enough with Qatar as host that I considered boycotting it? Yes. But since France made the World Cup, that just didn't feel like an option to me. A girl is loyal. Vive la France! Allez les bleus!!!!!

 O right. I am safely at the house of my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and two nieces in Kirkland.  My flights were fine, completely booked was lucky to get a window seat because group b on Southwest, but I didn't have any major issues with people in my rows. I did buy books though.... 1 at the little market at Mitchell (Renaissance Books, the large used bookstore outside of security area in Milwaukee wasn't open yet at the time of my flight here and will be closed when I get back at like 11pm on Dec 2) then 3 at Tattered Pages Book Store in Denver airport, and then was gifted a Hallmark movie quality romance novel with a cute dog on the cover by the attendant scanning boarding passes. Which made 5 books I had to try to fit in my carry on luggage on top of the 4 I had brought with me in my purse for reading at airports and on planes. 

Book I chose for airports/airplanes and I'm currently reading: 

Books I bought at airports en route westward: 

Book I was gifted at the gate of my flight which looks terrible as a book but would probably make a great Hallmark movie: 

Books other than The Once and Future Witches which I packed to bring with me this visit: 

Books I have acquired so far since leaving Madison: 

 Then when I got to Seattle, my brother-in-law ordered me a Lyft after I got my luggage because due to traffic, them all coming to get me would have been 3hrs in the car with antsy 7 year old, 5 year old, and a wailing unhappy 5 month old baby. 

Immediately upon my arrival, my nephew Jack and niece Monroe commandeered me by literally hugging themselves onto my legs before I even had a chance to eat my dinner my sister had kept warm in the oven for me. Right now, Jon is still work from home and Miche is on maternity leave til February (and will likely be work from home once back.) So about the only times I currently have to myself this visit are when Ellie (my 5 month old niece Eliot) is getting diapers changed or being put down for a nap and then after Miche and Jon head to bed at 10/11pm and before everyone is up at 7:15. (7:15 is when Jack and Monroe's color alarm clock changes so they are allowed to get up and play and leave their room.) This is a much more orderly structured lifestyle than mine where my ADHD means I have a tenuous relationship with time management and my own Circadian rhythm.... Also I'm an introvert who gets migraines from empath overload, so I spend a fair chunk of my life either taking my dog for long walks in the woods/near water or gardening or alone at home curled up with my animals listening to music reading books and sipping on tea/coffee/whiskey/wine as the mood strikes me and even a lot of my hours I get in at work are while it's only me and my dog because I can hyper focus to get things done.  I love people, but I don't get lonely when I have alone time even if I don't see any humans for weeks or months at a stretch -- I just get lonesome for the missing of specific people's energies when they're far away from me. And if I'm lonesome for missing someone I love, their absence feels the same degree of phantom limb to me no matter how long they're absent from my life.... But I'm definitely a lot more solitary and introverted in my typical life than when in the midst of visiting my sister where everyone misses me and wants my time and attention and love because they truly only get to see me for 2-6 weeks of the 52 weeks a year and only ever in about 2 week blocks of time. Which I understand and I want to spend as much time as possible with everyone while I'm here -- and I don't go visit people for introvert recharge. I can hermit at home to my heart's content, lol.  Often when I'm here I get some introvert time in the garden but it's cold and the ground is hard and it's not a good time for planting. (my sister and I have a relationship where I like getting my hands in the dirt with plants and she likes having plants and they have yards with lots of space and they have lots of money -- so they buy tons of plants for me to put in for them and we all hope they can keep them alive between my visits.) It's been sunny and bright since I got here (it's a standing joke that I always bring the sunshine to Seattle area when I visit here) and will be sunny but cold until Mon night when like a week of rain starts along with group stage of World Cup. Haven't looked yet at the week after that of my visit. 

So like, I'm sorry if you miss me and all my words and overthinking here, but you should genuinely not expect me to write here again until after Dec. 2 because my time to myself is at an absolute premium right now...... Other than short periods of time when everyone else is at school/working and my sister is taking care of Ellie's needs or it's night after everyone else has gone to bed or like when I'm in the bathroom, I haven't been alone without other people surrounding me since 5am on Weds and I won't until after midnight or so Dec 2/3 (whenever I have picked up my dog and get dropped off at my own condo again.)  I did get an email late on Tues night that they would be putting in new carpet in my hallway on Thurs (today?yesterday? Time is tricksy) which means that I won't be home for the earliest worst off gassing fumes of the new carpet. Which is good! May be a long term ongoing migraine issue when I get home though.... On verra. 

Also. In my sister's car on the way back from dropping Mo off at her daycare, my sister's mix randomly played Mike Posner's Cooler Than Me. Which confused me because I didn't know how my sister's very eclectic music tastes had found it and flustered me a bit for making me think of Eric unexpectedly when I've been trying not to let me think of him but rather to accept that there isn't a place for me in his chosen life path this life for whatever happiness/meaning he's seeking for himself and so I should focus on what brings me joy and where I can scatter light and goodness and love into this crazy world wherever my life does touch other lives. I don't LIKE that conclusion or that stoic nihilism of what I can't change isn't mine to choose instead of my typical undaunted optimism sunshine rooted in love always full of hope and magic and finding unexpected improbable solutions to make manifest what people thought impossible general approach to living this life. I don't like it, but I don't know what else I'm supposed to do with the hand I have and my considering free will to be sacrosanct and the choices other people have made and other people's actions/inactions/boundaries.... I mean reality doesn't ask you to like it, it just smacks you upside the head with hurt if you try to lie to yourself or deny truths due to biased preferences..... But still I got very in my head flustered wasn't expecting my sister to suddenly remind me make me think of Eric while in the car on the way back from Mo's daycare.  I'm not sure what to do with that, Universe definitely keeps poking me telling me I'm not supposed to give up on him or the bond or pretend he doesn't exist.... I've always been honest here about whatever I'm thinking about him/our soul bond and my relationship toward his band/songs in the wake of the choices that complicated it all by the defensiveness and bullying behaviors via ostracism of me in the band's name for my honesty of how the country music was affecting my synesthesia - and now everything there is fucked up and songs I loved deeply can't make me feel anything but hollow.... It's just.... Such a fucking mess that didn't ever need to happen and all created because of choices of defensiveness and ego rather than truth speaking and empathy.... But I don't know what to do with all the emotional turmoil of being reminded so suddenly of Eric while in a state of happy where I expected nothing to remind me of him.... I've compartmentalized put all those emotions inside a box up on a shelf of my heart while I'm here. But anyway. Found it worth mentioning. 

Also this was my tea tag tonight: 

It seemed fitting and apropos and full of hope for the future no matter what right now is.

*Yawns* sleepytime for me.... My sister has much plans for me tomorrow and the next couple weeks - and my Alexa random music wakeup playlist they make me goes off at 7am. (They often pick random silly songs to make me wake up laughing start my day with a reset of me in my factory defaults overflowing love light cheerful bubbly optimistic grinning chaos Muppet magical self. This morning was Karma Chameleon, lol. Last two visits, it was all songs by the guy who does Raining Tacos -- which are all ridiculous electronic dance songs about fantasy situations often involving Mexican food.)

O! Right! My "I live in a snow globe" night time walk with my dog around my circle on Tuesday night as part of my not sleeping at all before my travel day because too much to do night.

Isn't it beautiful?!?! The drive from Madison to Milwaukee was the most gloriously beautiful!!!!! *Sigh* pristine beautiful new snow just makes my heart light up and my soul shine bright and feel like somewhere on the other side of the bright sparkles and softness and peaceful quiet of rest before new growth there's the most beautiful blank slate to write something new. Also. More practically..... Every time I'm somewhere without snow at Christmas, someone on the Jewish side of my family dies on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. It's a strange coincidence, but it's happened three times now...... So not only is fresh falling snow exquisitely fairytale beautiful, but it puts to rest the part of my heart that is anxious over the potential of losing loved ones when it's after Thanksgiving and there's no snow on the ground. I'm so happy to have such beautiful snowfall protecting everything so early and helping my heart know peace rather than anxiety if there will be snow or if someone will die.... No snow here right now, but it's beautiful and there's time for me to get back to where the snows fill up my Decembers. 

Bonne nuit. Sweet dreams. I'm going to drink my chamomile tea and read a little of Ethical Adaptations to Climate Change until that combination knocks me out to dreamspace. And. Remember. If you don't like your life path trajectory, you're only ever one choice away from completely changing it for the better to get you on one that will get you to a future you dream to reach. You just have to be honest with yourself (and others) so you can be clear sighted about what needs to happen and have the courage of your own convictions and then you choose to make a plan to do what you must then step out in action on that choice. Free will is always there -- you just have to accept the responsibility of it as well as the rewards then step out in the direction you choose. And that's how you change your fate and create the life you want to reach the happiness you seek. A completely different life path is always just one choice away ricocheting through your fate lines to change your entire future. And that's why free will is sacrosanct to me. Because with it, you always have the risks and rewards of true freedom for your soul's growth. Without it, there is no meaning to anything anyone does or could ever do. And there's always a way. It may not be obvious and it may be so difficult that  nobody believes in it except you. But there's always a way to whatever you most desire truly enough to devote your actions and choices to making real.  Whatever you set you heart on to guide your course, there's always a way if you choose to find it and live it.

*Yawns* chamomile kicking in, probably not going to get very far in this essay tonight. S'okay. The words will be there to teach me ways to think new paths and in new ways whenever I have opportunity and energy to read it. 😘 Sleep is of greater importance anyway right now. 

Until the next chance I can make to write here (and beyond it too) may the hours of your life bring you: Sweet dreams and polar bears to hold your soul in love and all the stars shining above you to bring you home and sparkle fluff from the sky turning the quotidien into fairy realms and the way the skies are painted in brightest hues after the deepest grays of gloaming and music that makes everything hold still as you experience it so your heart beats differently than it did before the song entered your life and whatever (or whoever) brings to you the beauty and joy which warms your heart makes you hope for brighter days then you've ever yet lived are still to come. And my words will be back here at some point. Eventually. Just maybe not until December. 

P. S. Tonight the skies are clear enough here at Finn's Hill in Kirkland Washington that out the window (which faces Juanita Bay and is within a few miles of a nature preserve) besides my bed I can see Orion and Sirius framed between the darker shadows of the giant evergreens. I can't always see the stars when I'm here in the Pac Northwest due to cloud cover and overnight rains, but tonight it will be the warrior and his faithful dog watching over me and those beloved constellations will be the last thing I see before I sleep. 💖

 o mon bon dieu, how is it already 10:30? Packers won on Sunday, and lovely snow all day Saturday while I put up all the holiday decorations at work. An more snow falling all day today so I live in a snowglobe winter woderland -- which I leave tomorrow for two weeks for some reason.... World's spiraling into faster collapse/WWIII/fascist dictatorships/climate collapse -- but my sister has been teasing me for  several years that I can't come visit her without the world nearly collapsing. (trump's election, covid hitting the US, delta wave, omicron wave, now the Russian missiles killing civilians in Poland AND trump announcing his bid for re-election before any legal process to hold him accountable for Jan 6.... And YET, this is still a far better timeline than almost all the others. By far.) Basically, my sister isn't wrong, but things are moving fast in the world... so yeah. but like, she keeps asking me to come visit her even with this theory.... She says if everything ends she'd rather have me near her than far away because she survives better in this society's rules but I have important knowledge/skills and magic synchronicities to land on my feet wherever I'm thrown. She's not wrong.

 Other than all the everything of end stage capitalism and climate collapse, I'm doing well and getting magical unexpected gifts from the universe. Even if the world is falling apart. But also, the world is barely holding together so there's that. But as a millenial, this is just what we call normal life, non? Pinballing form one crisis to another with intermittent economic crashes to spice things up remind you that no matter what you save it will evaporate in under a year and everyone/everything trying to kill us with little to no warning while we just trying to survive/thrive/hug a fucking tree because the trees aren't out to kill us. yes. Usually. Most of the time.Lightning might try to kill you though. Watch out for that when tree hugging.

Bur for now, I just finished watering all my plants at work, need to go home and water all my plants there,, everything packed but my carry on purse/book bag and laptop bag. And Crissy is coming to pick me up at 5am to drive me to Milwaukee because of the snow we gave ourselves extra time. Sleep eventually sounds good though. Just. might not happen for a while... 

P. S. I really do live in an absolute snow globe winter fairyland today..... Perfect first snow!!! This is from this morning:

It's even prettier now!!!!!! 😍

I have even more amazing pics from taking Audrey out for a bit and us frolicking in the snow. Going to prioritize getting things ready and maybe some minimal sleep though. Will add the more  pictures later.

Today Ian and I put up the outdoor icicle lights at work because I'm going to be gone at the time we normally would (i plan to put up the rest of the winter/holiday decorations over the weekend at work -- at home I'll wait to put the tree up until I gt home because unattended angsty lonely cat is a bad idea with breakable ornaments, lol.) We also chose today as opposed to start of next week because today it went from a high of 70 sunny in the morning to a low in the 30s ushering in real winter after this cold rain finishes. As of right now, it's actually supposed to snow here the day before I leave, lol. It will feel right to leave for a November/December trip to see snow on the ground in Wisconsin. 

It's so weird to me that it's now less than a week until I go visit my sister's family... It definitely seemed like a much loner wait when I booked the tickets back at the end of August! I fly out to Seattle area on Nov 16 -- I leave Milwaukee airport at like 9am Central, have a layover in Denver, and get in at like 4pm Pacific time then we're planning to go somewhere for dinner. Likely won't have any chance to be online or do anything until after my sister and brother-in-law head to bed. More or less you should expect me to not be online as much while I'm out there because when I'm spending time with my family who live far away form me, they're my focus and priority. Well, also World Cup matches in the mornings (though my nephew is excited to watch some soccer with me) and the Packers games which we'll just all watch together. I'll be out there for Thanksgiving (they said they wanted to see me more than they wanted to have bacon in their recipes -- which is a lot of love from them given my pork allergy and how much my sister's family loves bacon, ham, pork etc.)  And then I fly home on Dec 2. But my flight doesn't get into Mitchell from Denver until like 11pm -- so we moved the symphony tickets from Friday to Saturday. 

It just seems like October disappeared super fast and I blinked and now we're almost to my visit. 

*yawns* That said, I just added up my hours for the week to see how late I would be staying tonight and I'm already at/over my 40 hours of work in for this week. So I'm going to finish this cuppa tea and then tomorrow I can stay home and do laundry and tidy up around home before heading to symphony in the evening. And then I'll have Saturday thru Tuesday to get as much as possible of next week's hours in before I leave. And to get a handful of errands done. 

O!!!! AND!!!!!! When my Aunt Geeta was here and we first opened my bottle of Highland park 12 year Viking Honour to try, I went down the rabbit hole of looking up the other single malt scotches that Highland Park makes. They're extremely smooth but pearty but not in a boggy tobacco overwhelmingly sea air sort of peat. They're based in the Orkney Islands (thus the Celtic-Viking artwork and totems) and so their peat is specifically not tree based peat and so it has a distinctly unique profile of peat in Scotch.  And I got super excited about wanted to try one called Spirit of the Bear base don the name/art/descriptions of it BUT I found out at the bottom of the page that it was part of a line of scotches they made EXCLUSIVELY for duty free shops in the UK and Ireland.... And then I was super sad, wracking my brains for who I could get to bring it back for me. BUT, Ian's wife Jane has been in Germany for the last month or two and when I half-heartedly with a sigh was telling Ian, "It's a shame that Jane is coming back from Germany not the UK or I'd see if she could get the scotch for me I want." He gave me one of those startled "witch, how did you know?" quizzical looks then laughed ironically before he casually said, "Actually, I'm pretty certain her layover is in Heathrow last I checked." So then he hopped on his phone and confirmed it was indeed a several hours in Heathrow layover and I got super excited asked that if Jane was up for it and as long as flights didn't get changed, would she take on the quest of trying to find me a scotch that is ONLY available in the duty free shops in the UK and Ireland, specifically i was most interested in Spirit of the Bear. (The others in the duty free specific "travel edition" are 14 yr Loaylty of the Wolf, 16 yr Wings of the Eagle, 18yr Viking Pride -- but Spirit of the Bear was the one I found first and that called to me most while browsing their whiskey selections/prices.)  

And she did!!!!!! Ian texted me on Sunday to ask which scotches Ian (or her friend traveling with her) should get for me and then on Tuesday when I came in to work there was a duty free bag in my chair which made me squee excitedly but I didn't let me open it until AFTER eating lunch and then going to vote!!! But I opened it first thing I got back without even taking my mask off or anything and then I texted my Aunt Geeta this picture because one of of the first things my aunt did when she got back to Charlottesville was try to find herself a bottle of highland park Viking Honour:

 

I had told him that I'd be happy with any of them unless they were ridiculously expensive but that I most desired the Spirit of the bear. And it turned out the only one they had at Heathrow duty free was Spirit of the Bear AND when she went to check out with it, Jane learned she got me the last bottle of it in the airport until they restocked.

I haven't opened Spirit of the Bear yet -- my rule with myself was that I couldn't open it to try it until after I paid Ian the $50.63 for it and I warned him on Tuesday that I didn't have time to get cash before heading to Chicago for the concert but that I'd have cash for him next time I saw him (which was this afternoon -- and I made sure I paid him BEFORE we started in on putting up the outside Christmas lights at work.) I haven't yet decided if I want to open it over the weekend while working or if I want to wait to share the experience of opening it with my mom and Sarah and Crissy. (Sarah and Crissy have still not yet tried the 12yr Viking Honour, which is currently my absolute favourite Scotch. I have half formed indefinite plans that they've all been informed of but no dates picked for Crissy to come into mcw after she's done at work so that the four of us can do a side by side of the Viking Honour and the Spirit of the Bear all together as tasting.)

I'm so excited!!!!! AND!!! Spirit of the Bear is a 1L bottle whereas the Viking Honour (which I can easily buy locally is a 750mL)

I'm so happy with me wee little Scotch bairns from the Orkney Islands!!! I'm so excited to have a bottle of Spirit of the Bear now!!!!!!!!!!!

Audrey loves the smell comes running whenever I open spirits she likes and will take a small lick off my fingers (but only for Irish whiskeys and single malt scotches -- and some malt bomb dark beers. She has zero interest in wines, clear liquors, rum, or brandy, lol. And she only comes running for the smell of someone opening Irish whiskies, Scotch, and Japanese whiskies -- never bourbon or rye.) 

So I gave her a sniff and a lick after I'd opened the Viking Honour to smell it and pour me a small amount -- and then I gave her a biscuit.

here we go, Heroes or ghosts, one man's mood, Can break another man's soul. Or am I just, Too cynical for my own good? Am I too scared to say, We'll get there if we should? And you know, you know, It's harder than it looks, It's harder than it looks. But I, I know, It's gonna take a lot of time and a little bit of luck. It's beginning to happen, It's beginning to move, I've seen a reaction, Yeah I've watched us improve. And you could say we don't care, Or that we don't believe. But this is what we've got, And there's nowhere we'd rather be.

 So I had mentioned that there were difficult times ahead on all the fatelines regardless but that some are definitely better than others. I'm happy to say that so far, we seem to be landing in some of the best among them. I recognize there are races undeclared and I haven't yet let me go digging for how election deniers in places of potential power to determine future elections have fared.... But this fateline and the bifurcations off it remain among the ones that were not the worst. The worst were all the ones with votes that emboldened by confirmation the goals of evangelical Christian fascism -- because entrenched corruptions of the structure of governance tend to become systemic and take a long time, sometimes generations, to correct. Most of the troubles on the better fatelines are what comes AFTER the election. The reactions from the true believers and crusaders who have been drinking the Kool aid of hate justifying violence so often and so long that they are radicalized to justify their own acts of violence to "take back" what they believe to have been "stolen" from them. You have to always remember that maga/election deniers/qanon/white supremacists/misogynists/bigots genuinely believe the lies they've continuously had repeated to them and that they then continuously repeat -- and there's nothing more dangerous than a true believer on a crusade against a perceived enemy "other." Because the devout true believer who never questions or doubts will self justify and rationalize every act of cruelty and violence in the name of the cause they hold to be true.... Mob rule is absolutely terrifying, especially when it's a mob of true believers urged on to hate/violence/scapegoating by a demagogue. And I say that from thousands of lifetimes of experience. I would rather face down a massive carnivore than a mob of true believers crusading against a perceived enemy -- the carnivore just wants to eat you not torture or take out viciousness on you. The pain is secondary to their sustenance to most carnivores -- to crusading true believers the suffering they cause their enemies is the point. And deprogramming from cult mentality takes years, sometimes fucking decades, and it can't ever be done until the individual starts to question the cult and it's true beliefs.... Deprogramming 30-40% of the country is going to be a fucking nightmare...... And the fact that a solid 7-15% of the country can can admit in polls to self justify violence and cheating/theft to further their crusade?!?! Fucking terrifying..... especially with how many guns are in the hands of the unhinged true believers of the cult of hate..... 

Still. I am pleased with the results so far. I'd rather fight an ever vigilant battle against corruption and lone wolf attacks than to have to choose between burning everything to start over or letting so many suffer under the fundamentalist christo-fascist dictatorship until it topples under its own weight.... Do you measure a nation's suffering in death/destruction or in répression and lives ruined? No, I'm glad that is not (yet) a choice that we have to deal with as we near the 250 years that Machiavelli (and Jefferson quoting Machiavelli) gave for any stable form of government to fall by excesses into a toxic form of government.... 

As for me, I was quite happy to have the drive to Chicago for The Coronas concert and then the drive home tonight. One of the best things I could do for the fatelines after casting my own singular vote and getting those I knew to understand the importance of their voting was to go somewhere that I could shine brightly with joy and hope. And the thing is, The Coronas have been one of my absolute favorite bands since 2008.... I don't get to see them all that often because they're a big deal sell out stadiums band in Ireland/UK/Europe but in the US they play small club venues and sometimes hardly anyone shows. Danny said last time I saw them it keeps him humble and keeps him hungry to come play America at such small intimate shows and they're actually more terrifying in the good way than playing stadiums. (Danny is the cousin of Aoife Scott, and Róisin O who opened tonight is his sister, so it's all still within the kids of the Black Sister's family.) 

But the thing is, for me Heroes or Ghosts was one of those songs that you hear it the first time and it feels like the entire world is fucking standing still with you as you active listen to the song. I first heard Heroes or Ghosts on either a BBC or rte stream online (same as Frank Turner around the same time) and became absolutely obsessed with it. Wait. It was definitely on an rte stream because the first time I heard the song was as gaeilge and I had enough Irish language still in my head to translate it to look up the lyrics and then I found the video which then led me to the English version of lyrics and even though I'd listened to the Irish version on loop, hearing the words in English to understand them once again made me and the whole world stand still in focused active listening as of the slightest movement might shatter everything..... Anyway, so my love of The Coronas started in 2008 and I was so obsessed with that entire album but especially that one song that it was on almost constant play in my car or whenever anyone stopped by my flat downtown.... and tonight, Heroes or Ghosts as first song (of three) in the encore as acoustic was so gorgeous and heartfelt that Danny spent a lot of it off mic singing with the crowd because of how beautiful the room sounded on the chorus... He also asked (staring eye contact with an eyebrow raised), "you up for singing with me in Irish the next bit?" And I shrugged then nodded and cheered because my Irish is rusty and I'd be self conscious to sing the Irish version into a mic or where an Irish speaker could hear me -- but I know the Irish words to it and how they sound in it as well as I know the words in English. And I was like the only person in the crowd singing along in Irish for that verse and close enough he could hear me, but at the end I got an approving nod and a grin and he said into the mic while making eye contact with me, "Táim buíoch díot." Which I have to admit took me a bit of a while to remember what it meant as it'a not one of the two most common ways to say thank you in Irish and more or less means "For you I am grateful" but it made my heart happy once I recognized the phrasing around buíoch (which is the verb for being in a state of gratitude and the informal quick way to say thanks) and the surrounding grammatical structure. Anyway. That song was so gorgeous live tonight and honestly during it "there's nowhere we'd rather be" was such a genuine true heartfelt summation of the moments and the vibe in Lincoln Hall.

O. Also. Tonight they played a song off the new album called Karma that they had never played live. And I fucking loved it so fucking much!!!!!!!! The pre chorus and the chorus just made my heart so happy!  It's so good and beautiful!! "Do you cross your heart and hope to die? Never understood just what that implied.  Make your mistakes, choose to be kind. Karma's my God, I hope your parents don't mind.  I feel it brought you. That's something I should cling my hopes to. It didn't prove me wrong, I just forgot about love 'til you came along." And I loved that we got to hear that live tonight! 💖

Anyway, while I intentionally wanted to keep the glow and joy of the concert and seeing them again after three years waiting and holding onto these tickets so I didn't let me go on the internet or social media at all except to post pictures and giddiness from the show, I did check in on election results and discuss ramifications with my mum (who had MSNBC on) when I picked up my dog. And then after I left I did also check the Wisconsin and Dane county results thus far. But that was all I'd let me check in on rather than let me sink into it or actively doom scroll. I'm currently laying in bed listening to Heroes or Ghosts on repeat and letting my post concert giddy endorphins settle enough for my tired body to win the battle and send me to sleep and to dream. 

[Post title: lyrics to The Coronas song Heroes or Ghosts. The English version of it, lol.]

I'm sorry. I was overtired and cranky. Which I admitted but it still isn't fun to deal with me when I go way too far over the line into overtired.... When I get overtired, I very much get like a small child with a bad case "don't wannas" and I'll tel you I don't want even the things that would normally make me happy and that actually I do want. Like, when I'm overtired you could try to bribe me with ice cream or coffee and I'd just be like, "I don't wanna go do that. Wanna sleep." The funniest/most frustrating was after a really long drive to get to ROMP and some dicey driving moments and we got to the hotel with time to spare but not a lot and I made the mistake of sitting on the bed and I hit the worst wall of "don't wanna" about getting up to go to the festival that we had driven all those hours to get to.... Crissy: "Don't you wanna see Rhiannon Giddens." Me (pouting): "Yes." Crissy: "Don't you wanna see Punch Brother?" Me(pouting):" Yes!"" "Don't you want to see We Banjo 3?" Me (pouting): "Yes." Crissy: "Well you need to get to the fest campgrounds to see them. " Me (wailing): "I want to see them all, I do really want to see them BUT I don't wanna have to get up to go see them!" Crissy: "Well that's not an option. You get up no and come with me or I'll take your keys and go by myself because this was a lot of money and a long way to drive for me not to go because you're overtired."  I did get up and go and I had a great time -- and she definitely bribed me with ice cream once we got there and kept me fed the rest of the evening because when I'm overtired and hangry it's way worse..... And then when we got back I just went to bed right away. But I don't envy her having to deal with that level of illogic from me -- I hate being inside it but I feel like I can't get out of it until I sleep and reset my mood.. It's unusual for me to be that illogical, but it's definitely how I get when I cross a certain level of overtired. And I recognize it about me as not one of my most attractive or fun to deal with qualities, but I admit it's how I can get when overtired.

And I AM overtired. I haven't been sleeping well for the last month or so but especially since eclipse season started and the closer we get to the Tuesday eclipse, the worse it's getting... And that's not any fault of Eric's or anything he's done sleeping or waking (that I know of) it's because I'm having bad vision dreams. Especially when i sleep during the dark hours.... Not about the election or American political violence and its manifestations -- everything I've seen about that are disheartening no matter which of the potential fatelines unfolds. It's all just...not hopeful... it's a hard battle to hold what we have now. But there are definitely better ones and worse ones and it's fluxing between them all for which one we land on.. No, lately it's not been the political landscape shaping my vision dreams into precog discussions with an archangel about what is coming. I keep seeing massive tragedies, most of them due to floods but sometimes just weak infrastructure. And the dreams are that I'm THERE floating with Michael watching it happen and I empath hear/feel all the pain and death and there's nothing I can do to alter it or to help... And then I check the news and it happens just as I had dreamed it. And it's just.... I'm overtired because when I sleep I dream and right now my dreams as a precog are worse than the overtired....

My fight reflex wasn't actually against him, even though it manifested in voicing my frustration with him -- my flight reflex is kicking in right now in general about sleeping at night because I don't want the dreams but if I sleep I know what sort of things I'll dream about and it's just a lot of human tragedies to be carrying inside oneself to be asked to carry more. Everyone in the US right now is focused on the potential heartache of the political landscape, and that's fucking well worth the worries, but globally the tragedies just keep coming and I keep having to carry them inside me bear witness. And some of the worst ones I've been asked to witness are actually not even yet manifest in real time.So my flight response about relaxing into sleep would be a fight reflex regardless of anything else right now because it's a sucky ass time to try to sleep as a precog....

And that's not his fault. Most of the time, the best parts of my sleep is the times I go to sleep and can feel him reaching down the bond waiting on me settling into the love of the bond. Just feeling myself sink into the bond and feel surrounded in love and that it's okay and right to let myself feel my own love for him. It wasn't that i didn't want that. It's just that the combination of the flight reflex toward the sleep beyond the moments of relaxing into the love in the bond AND my general frustration toward "I don't know what the hell is going on with this but it doesn't seem to be moving forward in any meaningful way in the waking world and I don't even know that he WANTS it to go anywhere at this point" but whatever times I have to share our love is the best, regardless of any damn other thing going on in our lives or society or the world as a whole. It's an always brightness sparkling in my life and inside my heart and soul.

And then yesterday, I had FINALLY gotten myself to go to bed in the morning, after sunrise, when Crissy called me because of some drama with her mom post-op (not going into all of it here) and so then I spent all day long helping her navigate that and couldn't sleep all day and I had finally gotten myself home and mentally settled for sleep and I couldn't sleep because every time i settled into it I had the panicky fight reflex. (And there was nobody really to fight while in the fight reflex other than him -- and that wasn't right or fair of me because all he was doing was reaching out to me with his love....) And because I didn't want the dreams that awaited me on the other side of sleep, I returned bad for good toward him and he didn't deserve that....And actually after a couple hours of not sleeping, I gave up but even once I had decided to just get up and make some tea and read, he kept pouring love down the bond randomly through the night. Which was sweet and I wanted to listen to it and come back head to bed and snuggle into it... But every time I tried I'd hit that fight reflex as I started to sleep because of the dreams awaiting me...Which was why i was so cranky and frustrated and angry this morning and let myself take out my overtired on my frustration at the absence of him in my waking life and not knowing how to fix that or if it's something he even wants or sees a need to fix... .

And it's true I don't know what he wants... But I do know that despite what my overtired frustration said, I trust him to know and to figure it out.  because that's not the sort of thing that anyone else can lay on you, it's about your own inner knowing of yourself and what makes you happy. He'll figure it out, if he hasn't already, and I have faith in him that once he does he won't let anything get in his way or make him give up. It's true that I can't make sense of wanting something in your subconscious sleeping self that you don't act to bring into your waking life -- but soul timelines are straight forward full of love. living timelines are messy and complicated and sometimes we want things we see no way to yet make real but it doesn't change our wanting of it. And he wouldn't reach for me down the bond with his love if the love and reassurance of that love didn't give him strength to keep going through his days regardless of what else he fills his hours with in his waking life.

And I also know that I would be so miserable without the bond and without his love reaching for me that way.... It's one of my favorite things. And that's what I felt the need to apologize for the emotions and blame and frustration in the post before I slept. (Yeah I decided I was not going to be a pleasant human if I DIDN'T go sleep at least a a little.So I made me sleep a dreamless sleep for the 3 hours of an entire REM cycle. And I woke up feeling, "O what a heinous bitch I was in my overtired toddler state earlier.... he didn't deserve that from me... Not last night, not this morning, not ever...") Please don't give up on it.... The love that's there is real, more real than all my questions and overthinking.

 Which is why I'm writing this here. Not to excuse the way I was, it was wrong of me to vent my frustration and flight reflex on him like that, but to give greater context as to why I was being such a whiny brat last night and this morning. I dunno, maybe I should just set this post and the last one to draft instead of having written all this....

Also. Diehard Packers fan but... not gonna lie, so far this game is not worth being awake and overtired for, lol.  I'm here and I'm awake and after my 3 hours sleep I'm not currently tired... But this game is another difficult one so far and playing the Lions should NOT be a difficult game.... Lordy... Anyway, 

I'm sorry. I was mean and rude and frustrated and took it out where I shouldn't have in ways that I shouldn't have. I was overtired but that doesn't justify my past behavior last night/this morning, it may explain it but doesn't justify it. And I'm sorry. He deserves I be a better version, even when I'm an overtired brat in the throes of my "I don't wannas."

 It's a strange thing to set an intention that you want someone's happiness without knowing a damn thing about what that looks like for them.... Especially when you're trying to sleep and they each for you down the bond and instead of relaxing into that love it just wakes you up with a fight response because that can't possibly be what they want - if you don't want me IN your life enough to choose that path, then reaching for me in dream space won't give you that either. It will only give you the illusion of reaching something you want and when you wake up it's not there, it's not ever there, because you didn't actually choose it for your living, just to reach for it in your dreaming.  And how can an illusion that can't last past awakening be your happiness? All the love flooded down the bond reaching for me can't make that make sense. And it's not that I WANT to fight him, I had WANTED to sleep.... But I don't see how me being part of something that will only leave him alone and sad and bitter over the empty spaces is me doing anything that could get him his happiness, all I can see is how it would make him miserable. So I didn't sleep. And now the sun has risen and I find myself overtired and overthinking and petulant like a small child who doesn't know what it wants but it know not THIS. And it's too late for me to  sleep and catch the game at noon. So I'm going to stay awake instead of sleeping now, but I don't have to like it or the headache my overtired is giving me. And I hope he figures out what IS the future he seeks and finds the courage to choose it and keep choosing it until he claims it as his -- because I really don't like this mixed up state of things keeping me from sleeping. And it's so very clear to me what I want, that I want him to have the happiness he's seeking but I have no idea what the fuck that happiness IS or how he can manifest it into his life. And I'm overtired and it's a mess and I should go make breakfast but I'm not going to, I'm going to go eat Halloween candy instead see if that improves my mood at all.... Halloween candy and coffee counts as breakfast, right?

That's it. That's my story this morning. It ain't very good. Mostly it's frustrating and annoying and can't make it make sense to come out in a better way... I really hope a Reese's peanut butter pumpkin will improve it. (But I have a feeling that without at least a nap I'm just going to be cranky from overtired.  Which most certainly won't help anyone be happy. Also, coffee when I'm overtired will just make fall asleep. So that's probably not a good choice.) 

Really though. Why can't he just have the realization, "this is the happiness I want. I choose it." And then we can all move forward from that established frame of reference.... This mixed up nothing makes sense state of affairs is definitely not my favorite. Time to close that chapter on it so we can start a new better story. That makes sense. And also a happy ending if we can. I do love me a good happy ending!!!! Which is not what this is.

The end.

 I love the way that everything glimmers and shines beneath the streetlights during the night hours of a heavy day's rain. When it has rained and rained and rained and everything is as soaked as it can possibly get and so all the bare branches gleam along their length wherever they are not beaded in drops that refract the light like millions of diamonds.  All against the backdrop of the blackest skies you've ever seen and ever could imagine.... No moon and no stars, just the clouds so dense and dark and heavy with rain that will be, they trap the ambient city light and give nothing back but blackness. I like to stand there beneath a tree whose branches spread their fractals under a street light and just stare up in wonder at the glitter of the falling drops and the glow of the stationary drops clinging to the surfaces and the shine of the trees and all the light as it's scattered in refractions and reflections with that deep inky black backdrop behind the brilliance.... it's one of those random moments and images that make me smile every time I have a chance to appreciate it. And no matter what a hurry I'm in, I always pause to appreciate it when I find a tree under a streetlight on a rainy night. It's important to pause in the rush of everything for the moments of stillness and beauty that surround you. 

And anyway. I've always loved to be outside playing in the rain and the snow, dancing my joy with the beauty the skies makes as the precipitation falls. But rain at night, particularly on tree under street lights, is a forever favorite for me.

More prosaically, what I'm saying is that the dog told me after I got out of the shower that she needed to pee, so I had decided that my hair loves rainwater and it wouldn't matter if it hadn't yet dried before I took her on a walk -- it's dark and rainy and nobody is up. We're back inside now, so I'm going to drink some Gunpowder Green Tea (in honor of the 5th of November) and read some Mo Tzu for a bit. Eventually I will make some coffee and breakfast. Not yet, but eventually.

Not going to the Badgers game today. Crissy's mom needed to move up her shoulder resurfacing surgery and then with the weather this weekend being a cold rain and a wind advisory all day Saturday even I was not looking forward to it. When she brought it up, her boss told her point blank that it was going to be cold and wet and miserable and she should pick another day to ask for tickets, lol. I will be headed into work later. But that's it for my plans for today. 

Sorry if my silence here has been a concern or you have missed me. I just haven't felt a desire to share anything here this week... nothing since after the story of my giddiness at all the serendipity allowing me to see George Winston on Sunday for free just as soon as I made up my mind that was what I truly desired.... I didn't really have a desire or need to write here this morning, but I'm still enchanted and dazzled from the beauty of my pre dawn foray into the rain for my pupper to pee. So I figured that while I wait for the kettle, I could share a bit of the magic and poetry of the way I see the world.