It's a strange thing to set an intention that you want someone's happiness without knowing a damn thing about what that looks like for them.... Especially when you're trying to sleep and they each for you down the bond and instead of relaxing into that love it just wakes you up with a fight response because that can't possibly be what they want - if you don't want me IN your life enough to choose that path, then reaching for me in dream space won't give you that either. It will only give you the illusion of reaching something you want and when you wake up it's not there, it's not ever there, because you didn't actually choose it for your living, just to reach for it in your dreaming.  And how can an illusion that can't last past awakening be your happiness? All the love flooded down the bond reaching for me can't make that make sense. And it's not that I WANT to fight him, I had WANTED to sleep.... But I don't see how me being part of something that will only leave him alone and sad and bitter over the empty spaces is me doing anything that could get him his happiness, all I can see is how it would make him miserable. So I didn't sleep. And now the sun has risen and I find myself overtired and overthinking and petulant like a small child who doesn't know what it wants but it know not THIS. And it's too late for me to  sleep and catch the game at noon. So I'm going to stay awake instead of sleeping now, but I don't have to like it or the headache my overtired is giving me. And I hope he figures out what IS the future he seeks and finds the courage to choose it and keep choosing it until he claims it as his -- because I really don't like this mixed up state of things keeping me from sleeping. And it's so very clear to me what I want, that I want him to have the happiness he's seeking but I have no idea what the fuck that happiness IS or how he can manifest it into his life. And I'm overtired and it's a mess and I should go make breakfast but I'm not going to, I'm going to go eat Halloween candy instead see if that improves my mood at all.... Halloween candy and coffee counts as breakfast, right?

That's it. That's my story this morning. It ain't very good. Mostly it's frustrating and annoying and can't make it make sense to come out in a better way... I really hope a Reese's peanut butter pumpkin will improve it. (But I have a feeling that without at least a nap I'm just going to be cranky from overtired.  Which most certainly won't help anyone be happy. Also, coffee when I'm overtired will just make fall asleep. So that's probably not a good choice.) 

Really though. Why can't he just have the realization, "this is the happiness I want. I choose it." And then we can all move forward from that established frame of reference.... This mixed up nothing makes sense state of affairs is definitely not my favorite. Time to close that chapter on it so we can start a new better story. That makes sense. And also a happy ending if we can. I do love me a good happy ending!!!! Which is not what this is.

The end.