O that's not a death sentence or a final "nothing's going to ever happen this life" as regards reunion with Eric and me. Things could still be healed and fixed (and honestly I wish they would be) but I don't see a way for me to have any place in his life without figuring a way around or through the problems created by his sisters actions/choices and his inactions/choices the following year when he was directly informed of what had happened and why it was ethically wrong for him to go live on the band's instagram page in order to "celebrate with all their fans" while they had fans blocked on the Instagram account for having been honest about the country music keeping them from attending future shows -- and then he chose to ignore that warning and do it anyway. *shrugs* Is it fixable? Sure. But not if you just leave evreything how it is at this point in time or expect it to resolve itself without taking action to acknowledge and make right the issue of principle at the center. And if I can't do anything about it from among my own options/choices, what logic is there in me believing it WILL change without anything being actively done to create the change? It's not impossible, but I do think it's improbable because without anyone changing things, nothing about these conclusions will change...And the choices that could be made to change things aren't my choices to make....

I'm no longer as broken over accepting that was the best/kindest thing I could do about him as I was (I was deeply hurt for a long time trying to accept this, but it's been over three years now since I started accepting this, it still hurts but it's now a hurt that you live with as opposed to something new) -- if I were I'd not be willing to talk or write about it. certainly not on my own.  As I said, I don't usually start talking about things that have me upset or hurt or seriously anxious until I've got a handle on things. The way around it is to ask me directly what's eating at me or has me so sad and to keep asking until I answer and not to let yourself be distracted if I misdirect to shift the conversation. I won't ever lie directly after all -- so if you ask and don't let me deflect, you'll always get your answer. It's just, I don't like hurting other people or weighing them down by having them help me carry my hurts.  So I don't like to shift my burdens onto other people while they're the heaviest or while I lack solutions to making them better.  But also, if you make it clear to me that knowing I'm upset/hurt/sad and you don't know why or can't help make it better ACTUALLY hurts you more than me sharing it with you does work. You just have to make sure I know that about you.  Just trust me, that always works with me, even if I'm trying to carry it myself.

I'm not opposed to solving things and healing them and finding a better way -- I just don't see how anything I can do at this point can achieve that.  And so, I don't see anything for me to do but accept what the choices made on his behalf and by him have made clear as to the boundaries of what is important in his life and what isn't and his willingness to understand matters of principle/ethics as opposed to placating someone else's defensiveness over cruelties they committed in the past.

I told you, I don't have to LIKE truths for them to be true. I just must accept truths presented to me. Present me new or better truths and I'll have to accept them and replace the outdated information with the new. If you don't like the consequences of past choices then make different choices to change your options, change your consequences.

But you need to know about me that I believe lying is the greatest cruelty that you can do to yourself or anyone else as it is to fundamentally undermine their sense of reality and fact versus fiction. All lies are inherently a form of gaslighting, and therefore all lies are a form of the ultimate cruelty. Similarly all truths are a form of kindness, even when the truth is painful -- still it's a kindness since it isn't a form of ultimate cruelty.  You needn't be cruel in what you say or how you say it. but you should be honest with it and not tell even white lies that undermine a person's sense of reality. So I won't lie to myself or anyone else (unless lying is the only way to save a life) though I will tell literal truths that I know others will misinterpret or that deflects from the answer they desire. But like the fairfolk, I will never knowingly lie.  And the more respect I have for you, the more honest and direct my truth telling will be in response to you. But you should always remember about me that I won't lie about any truths presented to me: past, present, or future.

P.S. I'm super excited for the lunar eclipse during the witching hours tomorrow night/Friday morning!!!!  Wherever you are, if the skies are clear, go watch it!  It's visible across the entire US, clouds allowing. It's also the longest duration lunar eclipse since 1440! 1440!