Well I didn't say I LIKE that I'm thinking/feeling that way in regards to authenticity vs performative morality from Delta Rae. I don't LIKE that I think/feel that way. I was saying HOW I think/feel right now and the reasons WHY that is where my thoughts/feelings are about their proclaimed morality vs their choices/actions.

I mean, I don't have to LIKE things to face the hard truths about them.... If you want someone who is going to lie to you or lie to themselves about you, then I'm not the one for you....But you probably ought to have figured that out by now. I mean, my refusal to lie to myself or others instead of facing hard truths isn't something I've ever tried to hide. 

And anyway, you never can and never will fix anything you don't acknowledge you broke or fucked up. Denying your mistakes or lying about the reality of the consequences of what happened only leads to making things worse.  So why lie to myself or anyone else about it? How would that help anything other than perpetuating the current state of toxicity?

Also, I'm not doing well with the wildfire smoke over the last couple weeks.  Even when it's in the upper atmosphere, I'm such a canary about pollutants that if it affects the UV index or the colors of the sun/moon, there's enough carbon monoxide and formaldehyde and benzene gases and heavy metals falling out of the smoke for me to have headaches, dizziness, nausea, and wake up with a scratchy voice EVEN IF officially there's no warning about the air quality index.  (air quality index is about the fine particles in the air, not the gases that are heavier than normal air.)  It makes me sleep a lot, like being anemic, and the dizziness/migraine auras mean I don't eat much which just makes me more tired and dizzy and sleep a lot. It's not anything like as bad right now as when I've been out west during fire season, but I'm in a pretty bad way from it... Especially after I take the dog out even just briefly (not even on a walk) or try to water my outdoor plants. I missed my dentist appointment today because the dizziness was so bad after taking the dog out that I had to lay down and then I slept for over 6hrs through all my alarms, the texts, and calls from my dentist office....  Yesterday, my mom actually called me in the afternoon once the air quality warning was announced to check in on me (she said I sounded like death with how hoarse my voice was) and told me not to even try coming in to work until after the AQI warning was over after midnight. I told her I hadn't even been able to get out of bed since like 9am (AQI warning wasn't called til noon) and thanked her for offering to water my plants outside for me because she knew otherwise I'd have made my dizzy nauseous headachey arse drive over to take care of my green babies....

*shrugs*

I've always been a canary for carcinogens and pollutants making me feel sick -- I've never been able to stay in certain areas long without getting very sick. My da used to say that you can take a plant from a polluted place like a big city/industrial area and it will thrive somewhere with fresh air -- but if you take a sensitive plant raised in clean air/soil and try to transplant it to dirty air/polluted soil it will wither and sicken and die. And that's what it's like with me. 

(My migraines and sensitivity to petrochemicals, including synthetic perfumes, combined with the infrequency of me ever getting colds or flus or even strep throat upper respiratory symptoms are why I've said that I consider myself someone very likely to be a completely asymptomatic carrier if exposed to covid and so I have taken care of myself as if I myself are immunocompromised for the sake of people I love who are most at risk so that I wouldn't be guilty of carrying it to others. I've never had any loss of smell or known exposure nor have I ever tested positive for it.  But then,  I've also always tested negative for strep and mono even after actively making out with exes who had them.... . And I intend to continue treating myself that way given my knowledge of virology and immunology and my knowledge of my own immune system, for the sake of people I care about who are at risk (such as all children under 12) or immunocompromised. I don't worry that me making irresponsible choices will harm me, I worry about how my irresponsible choices might affect others who I care about.  I have actually enjoyed the excuse to wear masks (in winter I wear multiple scarves across my mouth/nose outside) as it has helped reduce the instant headaches/nausea/dizziness from walking past or into environments with synthetic chemical perfumes/colognes/cleaning products in places.)

Honestly, over the last decade of ever worsening/lengthening fire seasons west of here and thus upwind, I've just accepted now that with the entire western seaboard (and pretty much of everything west of the Rockies) on fire from July through October, including most of Canada, so the jet stream always drags all that smoke right across the midwest and New England even unto the Atlantic itself now, I just expect that this will be my new normal the rest of my life in late summer months. Summers are intense sunburns and wildfire smoke migraines/exhaustion season and that's just how it will be. It's been going on for nearly a decade now getting ever worse. I mean, I could fly to the UK or Ireland or Norway/Sweden during that season I reckon, but that would presume that Iceland's volcanoes aren't going off.

But I can't say I like it.....

Honestly, the sicker and more polluted the planet gets, the more sensitive my personal endocrine response system seems to be getting in response to petrol based and carbon chain pollutants. But I mean, that's a personal problem. And at the slow rate of mankind's failure to make better environmental choices, I don't expect it's going to get much better any time soon even with me not living in or visiting places where it's actively the worst, y'know? I won't lie to me about that either -- but I don't know how much I or anyone else can do to help me with it....  Maybe move all the way north into polar bear natural habitats, above the jet stream's flow. But not Alaska, not with so much of Russia and Siberia also on fire... Québec. Nova Scotia. Labrador. Greenland or western half of Iceland. Maybe Scandinavia.