So following everyone else in the family visiting Cardinal View (except my grandma and me) everybody who went there loved it so much that they signed her up for the remaining perfect for her unit on the first floor and put down the deposit.  So I achieved the things I needed to get everyone on the same page and work together for however long it will take to care for grandma to get her there into Cardinal View while giving people the end date finite limits of this -- which was my goal.

However, the infighting with the siblings hasn't ceased.  There was only a brief armistice of hostilities. Now, my da is picking for a fight with his sister about whether the long cognitive assessment should be done as scheduled on July 12 or after the Cardinal View assessment for what level of care they feel they need.  My father is right, but he's not willing to do this a sane way -- he only wants to pick a fight and explode things so he can be right.  Honestly, if she's going to be a stick in the mud about it, there are plenty of ways to last minute reschedule an appointment (especially in covid times) and if it's a 2 month wait to get scheduled there than your timing is perfect. Why make it harder than it needs to be? Why pitch a fight just to try to win childhood sibling battles?

And the answer is because it's not about the results in the most harmonious way for everyone to be happy as possible in the end, it's about sibling dynamics and trying to win schoolyard battles that nobody remembers but their own subconsciousness. 

I told him I wasn't going to email his siblings to make his point for him because one of them would immediately reject and take the opposite view simply because he had suggested it. And then he got more upset and i point blank told him that asking me to write it without even having any doctor to cite that it would be best in this situation to postpone the appointment, that asking me to do it would only reaffirm to his siblings their insulting assumption that as his daughter I'd just take his side because I can't think for myself. And then when he got angry that "he had to do it all himself obviously, like always" my mom finally snapped and told him to stop fighting with his allies because I was right about exactly what would happen if I did as he asked to be his mouth piece for his ideas without even an expert's advice to explain why I was getting involved in the sibling bickering... *shrugs* Finally he came off it when mom gave him a solution to talk to the social worker and get her opinion to (hopefully) back him up that the assessment should wait til after grandma's intake eval placement.  Luckily they had to leave soon after that and as soon as they did, Sarah asked, "So what are we drinking after that?" Which made me laugh.

It's just complicated and stupid and makes me not want to be around them. Especially my da with the repressed sibling dynamics that haven't been dealt with and they are playing out again now...

 

Unrelatedly, it's Wednesday.  I need to start the inner process of wall building and making myself find that stoic place of "doing what you have to do even if it hurts" in preparation for his typical Weds nights of the last year or so poisoning down the bond. It takes a lot of work and emotional effort for me and it's draining on me to have to keep doing it. But whatever the fuck -- what am I supposed to do about it when I can't fix the original source of the poison nor stop him from doing whatever he's doing on Weds nights that makes it worse? So I just deal with it every Weds and do whatever I have to do to push him away and shut him out for that hour or so that night. Ugh. I hate having to do that. But so it goes for as long as the bond exists and he doesn't give a damn about poisoning the bond or the hurt he causes me by his choices/actions/inactions. And more permanent solutions to his lack of caring about the consequences of his choices/actions/inactions haven't worked as long as expected. Not that I desire a more permanent solution, I'm just fucking sick of the powerlessness of this way it's been and all the emotions it always brings up in me and the fact he could honestly care less about the hurt directly caused by his choices and the choices he allows in his name... As evidenced by the way he chose ghosting refusal when it was directly brought to his attention,  as opposed to the band generally,  back on Aug 29 2019 and how he has chosen to continually be a source of hurt and fresh poisons on a weekly basis.... That's what his choices and actions over recent years have taught me. 

I'm just gonna go watch the sunrise now and not think about either of these hard things. I hope it's a beautiful one. And at least for tonight, I have the end of month deposit to do -- and it will be a long one as we didn't do a mid-month deposit this month.

P. S.  Sunrise was a bust. Not even worth being called sunrise,  certainly not worth being awake for.  Just endless flat low-lying gray-white clouds between rains.  I'm going back to sleep now.  Perhaps later I'll wake up on the right side of the bed, because this morning sure as hell ain't it.... And if not,  I'll just hide myself away all day rather than ask anyone else to deal with me in a mood like this.