I've been working on accepting the necessity of it since Oct. 28, 2018 (the day after the Tree of Life Synagogue shooting - my intense desire to turn to Morning Comes and All Good People to soothe my pain and my inability to do so because of Britt's actions have burned the precise timing of it in my memory indelibly) when someone blocked me on the band Instagram account for being honest that I loved Hands Dirty but was sad that the level of pain the country music caused me due to my color-timbre synesthesia meant I'd not see it live because I could no longer go to shows while the country music was any part of who the band was trying to be. (Yes, that is the content of the post that made someone block me, without warning or anything said to me, that set us on this trajectory of me renouncing all claims on Eric in this life.)
I also know that after nearly 600 years of our lives only crossing paths at the end of mine, his wallowing in his guilt over his part in that death of mine has taught me how to live my lives accepting he doesn't want to be a part of them, looking for love and joy and meaning elsewhere. So in that grander arc, what is waiting out one more life because of the malice of one life's blood sister and me finding happiness outside a relationship with Eric? He's the one forced me to learn how to do it - and I refuse to make myself a source of tension and misery in his life due to his sister's inexplicable cruelty and jealousy in her actions toward me. There have been and will be more lives he and I get to share where her intentional sabotage and cruelty is no part of either of our lives and love story.... I can wait rather than breed unnecessary pain into this life.
It wasn't easy getting to that point of acceptance, but it's where her choices and actions have brought me.
As for Britt, she and I have our own karma. Many many centuries ago, it was my choice as a high priestess to accept her request to bind her to the Goddess and initiate her into that path. In that sense, I stand as a mother figure and teacher to her soul as well as her superior in the spiritual realms (where she thinks herself powerfully deep but really she only dabbles in tidal pools.) That said, several hundred years ago, in a life that didn't cross mine, she was tested and failed and put on probation by The Goddess for turning down some very dark paths in pursuit of vengeance. She has learned and grown somewhat back to the light and I was sent to her to see if she could be redeemed brought back to The Goddess' path. I was her opportunity to come home. But she sees me and is torn between wanting to be loved again, her fear of rejection, and her shame over what she did when she lost her soul's way - acts she is now ashamed of and wishes to hide from me and The Goddess. I remind her of her betrayal, and everything she sold out. And this is at the root of her behaviors, she'd rather push me away than be rejected by me and thus The Goddess, deep in her subconscious and soul path. (I didn't say her sabotage and cruelty was conscious in her, and I never claimed she doesn't do more damage to herself than anyone else whenever she gives in to it.) And it's stupid and causing to manifest everything she fears because she won't face this in honesty and humility. But I can't force her choices - and if she rejects me, I can let her go her own way instead of helping and teaching her.
As for my karmic ties to Dave, I cursed him at my death in 1430 that he was bound to stay in that life til he saw me sainted and everything he thought he believed in crumble to nothing around him. I just meant in life, but he took me a little too seriously stayed a ghost til I discovered him trapped between lives during the French Revolution.... I recognized him, felt guilty, and freed him brought him back to the light of creation and his place in the cycle of souls. So his soul is karmically bound to mine by death, rebirth, guilt, gratitude, and love. And I don't think that bond will be released til he feels my love for who he IS and the path he has chosen for his soul. He is very much a pacifist and creature of order, but forcibly tempered by me to include loving acceptance and kindness into that Catholic rigidity. It's an unusual pairing for a very ancient pagan warrior soul who functions as a chaotic good hand of Fate bringing everything into the light so it can be healed - but it does make a type of sense. And honestly, who/what his soul has become and the compassionate honesty woven through his soul light is beautiful in its own right. There's something really darling in him and the way he is opening up again to light and love and trust and forgiveness - and for his soul, mine is wrapped up in his journey through all those things. And I know this is hard to hear, but the light kindled inside him toward me and his delighted wonder at finding me and realizing I could love him, in its own way is brighter than Eric's soul light when he sees me and I notice him. And in this life, Dave has never done me any wrong or knowingly caused me pain or allowed anyone to be cruel to me once he saw/heard about it - and I cannot say the same for Eric's choices in this life.
But you should never think it a happiness or acceptance that was easy for me to reach.... Letting go of anyone you still love never is, even when you realize you must due to the sanctity of free will for determining every soul's karmic paths.
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