Today Eric is sad. Deeply,  intensely sad. It started last night,  but was very strong this morning    Whatever that state he was in of defeatist acceptance,  it cracked and fell like dried mud. And now in my inner stillness, what I hear in him is that deep sorrow in him.

And I can't blame him for being sad....  I can't....

Because.....

He's finally free to do what he wants and loves for his career and make art with the people he is closest to in the entire world and they can finally make beautiful thing they are passionate about and they're free to make it fearlessly with nobody telling them what they can/can't do.  And he wants that so much and it's so exciting and he's so proud and impatient to share it with everyone he loves.....

And yet.  One of the people he wants to share it with the most and who he KNOWS would love it if he could only reach her with it won't give him that chance because his own sister betrayed him and fucked everything up because she got defensive,  proud,  hurt,  and scared that she'd found someone who refused to follow her lead or do what she told them to do.  And because his sister is too proud to ever admit she did wrong,  he allowed her to manipulate him and convince him that if he just ignored the mess she made and focused on the excitement and joy of creating whatever they wanted,  the girl would come around because she couldn't stay mad at him. And he listened to her and it REALLY fucked everything up even worse by him not only condoning by his silence but ACTIVELY taking part in the bullying system she created that makes hypocrites of the band he built and loves, her actions selling out EVERYTHING they as a band and everyone in it as individuals ever claimed they stood for her.

And STILL his sister won't admit that she was wrong or do the only thing that will fix the mess SHE created by her choosing to axt out of a place of cruelty,  spite,  malice,  abd pride. And her pride won't even allow her to let anyone ELSE in the band fix it because to do so they need to start by acknowledging that Britt did wrong and fucked up.  And she won't let that be done.

And yet.  She's his sister,  she's been in his life almost his entire life,  and as much as she angers and frustrates him and he KNOWS she is to blame for this mess,  still he loves her. Because she's his sister.

Meanwhile,  the woman who he loves and has shared dream space with since he was born and can hear in his inner space via the bond between them and who he has at least fragmentary memories of their past lives together abd who he spent 23+ years of emo sorrow despairing he'd never find her in real life so she'd only be his in memories and dreams is the one his sister has spent the last 15 months treating like absolute shit and bullying at EVERY opportunity under the mistaken belief she can force this woman to obey what she wants.  (she won't.  I'm far more stubborn than Britt.  Especially on anything to do with ethical lines of right and wrong.)

And Eric has had to deal with 6 months of this woman deciding that she would push him out so he couldn't even reach her or hear her via the bond because she refused to have him stuck in the middle being used in his sister's power tripping head games - the woman would rather give him up than put him in the middle,  ask him to choose,  or allow herself to be used by ANYONE as a mean of hurting or controlling him.  Then he FINALLY breaks through reaches the woman via the bond (okay,  Eric probably IS more stubborn than me) and then he's FINALLY able to announce that he has found a way to solve the actual original problem of "the country thing causes me physical pain sue to my synesthesia and I'm done of trying to hang on despite the pain to me  for the sake of who this band used to be and how much I have loved them - I will attend no further shows so long as the country radio scene is any part of this."

And it was solved and the woman came back to him and there was that same joy and love dazzlingly bright and for 8 shows and 2 months he had it and thought he could really keep it.

Only then,  his sister AGAIN convinced him,  "see the girl loves you,  she can't be mad if YOU do the bullying" right at the very end of the kickstarter.  And his sister ignored the proffered olive branch of saying,  "somebody did this while you were on Big Machine,  but I can't say for certain who" and instead decided to gaslight and ignore the warnings that this action would be an act of INTENTIONAL cruelty and bullying and Eric taking active part in Britt's system of ostracism that Britt created in the band's name and defensively refused to acknowledge or fix. Abd not only did she (and Eric and evetyone else in the band)  refuse to even acknowledge being told,  "this happened and if you go live without fixing it,  it will be unfair and intentionally cruel ostracism" but EVERY member of the band stood by silent when other fans decided to victim blame and actively attack the woman for daring to say that someone representing the band had done this wrong.

And he trusted his sister and listened to her and as a result all but lost the woman he loved across LIFETIMES and had spent his entire life trying to find.  To the extent that when the woman showed up to the shows she'd bought tickets to while excited and trying to trust he really had fixed things, he realized that the music (even songs he KNEW she loved and had always loved) couldn't reach her (just as she warned him would be the result if he took ANY active role in the bullying his sister had created) and she refused to even look at him. And then the next day,  somehow,  his older brother reached the woman and she listened to him to at least LOOK at Eric and he felt and saw her thaw and crack and her love for him still shining in her once sge allowed herself to give him that chance.  And then he had it almost the entire next night - until his sister intentionally and cruelly broke it by insisting "find us on Instagram" (where she had blocked the womand and still had her blocked) and brought up once more the wall of EVERYTHING that his sister's pride and cruelty had created and spent over a year defending.  And as soon as Britt said it and Britt's cruelty brought back that wall her pride an defensive had created,  the music no longer could reach the woman nor would she again so much as look at Eric or let him reach her via the bond that night.

And now,  all he wants is that sparkling joy and love and wonder and to be proud and see her pride and delight in what he's made and making.  And his sister,  who he loves,  keeps telling him to trust her that if they create something wonderful enough he can win back that woman.  (This is another one of Britt's lies trying to manipulate him. He can't reach the woman without first acknowledging and fixing the mess that Britg made and the divide that her pride created so no music and nothing from the band can impress or reach the heart of the woman so long as the band stands behind the cruelty,  bullying,  and use of ostracism in the name of the band and as what the band ACTUALLY stands for regardless what they have claimed to stand for.) And the woman says she loves him still as bright as ever BUT nothing his band or he does for/with the band can reach her so long as the band is officially allowing its accounts to be a vehicle of intentional cruelty and bullying AND she wants him to be happy so she's going to let him go to do what he loves has chosen for his life/career. She's gping to remove herself from the picture so nothing his sister does in her power tripping can make things worse,  try to put the bond to sleep so the woman won't be a source of pain to him,  and that she would give up on the dream they both wanted so desperately of FINALLY bringing their lives together after so many lifetimes separated so he could have as much happiness as possible from the choices he made for his life.

And ALL of this hurt,  past and present and future,  is created by his sister responding to being told,  "when you do this it causes me pain so I won't put myself in situations to be hurt anymore" by cruelty instead of empathy and defensive pride refusing to admit she had done wrong and was causing hurt so sge chose bullying and ostracism and gaslighting as how to deal with it.

And ALL of this unnecessary pain and sorrow his sister created for him and the woman,  can start to be healed and a brighter future path chosen by just acknowledging the wrong that his sister did and fixing the problem so that the band account is no longer a vehicle for acts of cruelty,  bullying,  ostracism, injustice,  and inequality.

But she won't do it,  she's too proud to allow it.  She'd rather destroy her brother's joy for the rest of his life than admit she was wrong and has been behaving as a power tripping bully. Instead she's lying to herself and to him that if they just make something wonderful,  the woman will love it and thus them again.  And deep down he knows it's a lie,  but he'd rather believe the lie and lose the woman who he loves and who loves him than have the confrontation with his sister to force the real problem poisoning everything to be fixed.

So yeah,  I understand why his sorrow is as intense and deep as it is.  Especially after me acknowledging how much I love him and have always loved him and will always love him - but that this wrong of his sister's creation and everyone else's enabling in their silent complicity means nothing he creates with the band can reach me and I'm going to give him up this life so he can be as happy as possible with the band he loves but I can no longer love or respect due to the band's refusal to acknowledge or fix this fuckup and bullying that Britt created.

I mean,  if it were me,  I'd be angry.  But it's not my sister who did this, and I don't love her. And rather than hurt his sister's ego by making her swallow her pride to face the truth of what she has done,  he's buying into her manipulative lie as it offers false hope and an action HE can do AND keeps him too busy and too exhausted to feel anything deeply. And under that is the deep sorrow that will never heal in this life is how he feels, because he knows he's going to lose that woman he loves despite lifetimes of fighting his way back to the hope of a chance to have her in his life. A sorrow made worse,  not better,  by realizing how brightly the woman's love for him shines in her across every lifetime ever,  no matter what choices may keep them apart in any individual life.  At least,  that's what he feels when he lets himself stop being busy long enough to feel anything at all beyond defeated desperation and a dogged determined focus to finish whatever task he currently has in front of him.

So I can't blame him for the depth and intensity of his sorrow inside him.  All I can do is not leave him alone with it at this time and try not to let me drown in it because this isn't something I can make right for him,  it's not my choices that have broken it to a point it's almost (but not quite) beyond repairing in this life.