O right. I almost didn't mention.

Yes, I did see the Delta Rae tour announcement facebook posts and emails including the ones from the venue and FPC. (Nothing on instagram, but then, I'm blocked on the band's official instagram account  for having been honest in a comment on a post that I was sad the country music would keep me from attending further Delta Rae shows due to my color-timbre synesthesia -- and I refuse to follow or even check in on the personal instagram accounts of any member of the band so long as this petty bullying behavior of posting content on the official band instagram (such as going live there) and gaslighting by encouraging "all" your fans to find you on insta while refusing to respond or acknowledge any time I have brought up what happened and the injustice of the behaviors from the band's instagram account) is considered acceptable ethics that the band stands behind. I do not support liars, hypocrites, or bullies -- and that is the only thing that these behaviors and the justifications/rationalizations of them have shown individual members of the band and the band as a collective to be based on their choices since October 2018.)

Setting aside my internal discomfort over any unmasked indoor events without any attempts at social distancing, particularly if all ages events, given the delta variant and the fact those under 12 are unable to be vaccinated and October-December is the 6 month window that all international data is pointing at the necessity of booster shots for retaining efficacy against delta and lambda variants.... Setting aside the pandemic related issues I have as a precog and an ethical philosopher and a Medical Microbiology & Immunology undergrad as one of my 3 majors, I still have some very serious difficulties about even considering the shows. 

I am not excited by the announcement nor have I bought any tickets nor do I feel a strong desire to go see the concert(s) or spend my money on it even though they're coming right here to Madison (as well as Chicago and Minneapolis which I would generally consider driveably close for concerts without a second thought  and Detroit which we've added as "driveable" as a place to visit good friends. AND they'll be out in Seattle around the time I've considered my next visit.) I will remind you that I didn't attend their last Madison show so coming here directly as well as multiple nearby opportunities isn't enough to fix what the girls broke. Because the very last time they came to Madison, I came as close as the Colectivo just up the block from The Majestic and literally watched band members and friends of mine who chose to go and was content to sip my cappuccino followed by a hot tea at the cafe until I felt at peace with turning on my heel and heading home to my dog. And the reason I did that was that show was less than 2 weeks after the late October 2018 incident and I was pissed af wanted nothing to do with any of them after their active choices of selling out their most basic ethics of inclusion in the name of trying to gain fame on country radio. (that was how I felt following that behavior and sets of choices they made surrounding what happened in October 2018 and the subsequent consequences/fallout of those choices. Right or wrong interpretation, whether the event itself happened in a moment of pique and was later rationalized by defensiveness doesn't matter. The consequences of the choice and it's fallout consequences are what matter to my emotional state then and now. And that is the emotional response at the root reaction to their behavior(s) of October 2018 and everything they've chosen since then is built upon that interpretation of where they were at while signed to Big Machine and the choices they made while there. EVERYTHING since then is colored by this and their failure to address or acknowledge it has only highlighted for me that going indie and the work done since then is as inauthentic as the work they did while selling out their ethics -- they're just taking the next best image-making things they can to "look good" after failing at country radio. because otherwise, they'd face the tough ethics of their past and make it right -- but their actions show that for them it's not about right and wrong, musically or ethically, it's still about looking as good as possible on the surface image. And that read of them still lies in the layers of all my emotions dealing with the band and all things related to them....)  So do not assume that coming to Madison (let alone Chi and Minne) will be enough to get me to show up. It isn't. 

The shows I attended in summer/fall of 2019 are tickets I bought under the false pretenses following them going indie and me assuming that they'd then be willing to acknowledge and clean up the messes made in October 2018 on their band Instagram account now that they were their own management and pr team. Those were my assumptions following their announcement. And my assumptions were proven false by their subsequent choices/actions/inactions. When they refused to ever even acknowledge and respond to me bringing it up in August 2019, my illusions/expectations were shattered and I saw that they were just the same bullies as ever and they didn't give a damn about anything but making as much money as possible from anyone who would be a sycophant but that truth and ethics and doing the right thing were no more a part of their ACTUAL integrity as a band than it was under the Big Machine era. I kept my Kickstarter and attended the shows I'd already purchased while under the delusion they were returning to their ethical core for the same reason my cousin and I sat at USA Pavilion after I told her she could go but i would sit out the punishment allotted BECAUSE it was undeserved after being falsely accused instead of riding rides and returning -- because other people doing wrong can't be made right by me also committing a wrong.  The money was promised and I was going to receive as much good as I could get from the transaction I'd willingly entered into, because that was the ethically correct thing to do. And also to give myself a closure and to feel I'd done what I must to say my in person goodbye if they were going to continue the defensive gaslighting and hypocritical bullying that their past and ongoing choices created for them. But at those three shows in late 2019, I received nothing positive from anything the girls did onstage and I refused to even look in the direction of Eric for the entirety of the show in Ann Arbor because I didn't trust my determination despite the fact he had willingly chosen to take part in the bullying via ostracism and lacked the moral integrity to even respond when it was brought to his personal attention why him posting about his excitement to go live and celebrate with "all our fans and Kickstarter backers over on our Instagram" was him taking part in the system of injustice created in the band's name.  Nothing done by ANYONE in the band has altered that -- in fact Eric himself spent an entire YEAR digging that hole deeper EVERY FUCKING WEEK on the band's instagram account. 

So at this point, if I were to spend the money, all I would musically or emotionally connect to in any positive from would be from Ian, Mike, and Grant as (to my knowledge) they did not take any active part in the system of injustice and bullying in the band's name. Seeing Eric would be a matter of pain and pleasure intermixed, happy to see that he's there in front of me existing and rejoicing that he is on the path to the happiness he seeks but feeling myself as no part of his choices or path and the end result is it would only worsen the hurt and broken trust I have toward him based on his choices and his moral cowardice over bullying and injustice on the band's Instagram account.  the temptation of the pull of him is there, it always will be in literally every life, every incarnation. But it would only be toxic and cause more damage for me to give into that temptation without any steps taken to begin healing this toxicity and the poisons that were sown into the relationship....

So. I mean. I have to talk to my bff (my birthday twin but she's a Sag rising and I'm a Pisces rising so all our planets are same signs but different houses) about our opinions on fall concerts (including the Delta Rae shows) and crowded indoor spaces moving forward after the first and second delta variant spikes coming up in the (near) future..... 

But even without the pandemic and without all my family related stress making me extra averse toward taking on any further pain... there's still everything unhealed and completely unacknowledged that makes me loathe to go to the band's shows despite my genuinely intense desire to see Eric. Because really, I don't give a damn about the band or their music under the circumstances of what their official Instagram account has made me see in how they allow themselves to be represented as a band -- the sole and only temptation for me to even consider going anywhere near a Delta Rae show is to see Eric and reassure myself that he's doing alright on the path he's chosen for himself and then to leave him to his choices after having that reassurance.... And that's the wrong reason, the wrong temptation, for me to even consider going to any show the band puts on, no matter where it is or the cost/lack of cost of the shows. If I'm going to be strong enough to let him go to follow the path his choices lead him down to whatever happiness he's choosing for himself, I need to be strong enough to let him go so completely I don't even let me peek in to make sure he's doing alright with the choices he's made/making.  Which is really fucking hard given the pull there and the intensity of my own selfish desire -- but easy or hard, how am I respecting his free will and the choices he has made and is making for his personal path and the happiness he seeks unless I'm strong enough to let him go down whatever path it is he chooses? Even though it be a path without me anywhere on it, if that's his free will choices then that's his choices to make....

So that's the main reason I had no response(s) to the announcement(s) about the Delta Rae tour, public or here, until now. It wasn't because I didn't see it with my family in town and my grandma related other familial dramas..... It was because of the ethics and the toxicity of the poisons of the choices made in the band's name and the choices he has made and my own choice that above all the temptations of my own desire, respecting his free will choices is the path I'll choose no matter what he chooses for his own happiness he seeks and the path he takes to reach his future.

 It's a matter of ethics. And until the matter of ethics is acknowledged and the healing of the poisons the past choices have created and made worse by trying to ignore/bury them, there is no other choice i can or will make in regards to anything related to Delta Rae. No matter how you try to tempt me by dangling opportunities right in front of me.  There are no opportunities for anything healthy to come of it without acknowledging the past and working to heal and draw out the poisons those past choices created. there just isn't. And I won't allow me to be complicit in feeding into the poisons by mixed messaging of my ethical stance or being party to making things even more toxic than they already are. I just won't, no matter what you try to do to tempt me to return without doing the actual hard shadow work required to change this repeating cycle.

It's not what he wants to hear. It's not what i want to be saying. But, in the end, I'd not be me if I were to tell you anything else but these hard truths and my choices based on them... if I were to say or do anything else, I'd be betraying my own nature and then what worth could I or anyone else see in me if I were willing to sell out my ethics and nature just to give in to my own desires and temptations? What worth would there be in my soul if I were willing to knowingly sell my integrity for satisfying my own short-term selfishness?

If you don't like my choices under these parameters, change the parameters. That's all the advice I have for this situation that was made by their ethics, their choices, and their (in)actions in the name of the entire band.... And my other bit of advice is that in any/all dealings with me, no matter how hard that feels, open honesty, integrity, and moral courage are going to be your best allies. Always.

Side-note: Just caught up on these readings for Libra and Pisces from one of the readers I like. They both deeply resonated very strongly with me and my inner space and sense of things right now.....But maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part. Because from here, other than tour dates nearby (which don't deal with the core toxicity created in the relationships/interactions) I don't see any rapprochement or healing. And how could I trust there's anything other than the temptation of my selfishness to see him being better than not seeing him at all as motivating me rationalizing the delusion it would mean anything more? Given what I have as evidence to work with? How would it be anything more than castles in the air woven from rationalizations, delusions, selfishness, and temptation of me WANTING to believe in something that there's simply nothing concrete to back it up? And how can I sell out my integrity by choosing to compromise on an ethical issue with nothing more than a lie I tell myself and want to be true to build any faith or trust on?

 I had terrible migraine predrome Thursday morning, all day Friday and postdrome Saturday until 3ish -- and something in my Chinese food DEFINITELY triggered/worsened my weather/hormones mix migraine. And the thing is, if I don't completely baby my migraines (I'm light and motion sensitive while in the midst of migraines) I KNOW that they take longer to pass but then I wanted to spend time with my family I rarely get to see so instead of babying me by sleeping (which I couldn't sleep to heal because every time my thighs touched anything but the sheets laying on them it was hell so if I rolled over or moved in my sleep) until all pain/aura/dizziness passed, I kept trying to push me with pain meds to be semi-functional since I couldn't sleep deep enough to heal anyway and then I'd at least get to see family some each day. The only thing with it is, by doing that, I was only semi-functionally energetic and it took longer with more relapses....Also, often when I visit them I'll push through a short time morning/evening/night of migraine but sleep during the day and since they drive it's less of a big deal if I'm aura and/or dizzy/fainting spells -- but if I'm driving me places, I can't be aura or syncope at all or it's unsafe.  So that happened since my last post....

But, i still met them last night at Wisconsin Brewing Co for beers and live music and then dinner. Dinner was... unnecessarily stressful.... Basically, we stayed too long sitting by the water in the shade drinking beer and didn't get pizza from next door as my dad had hoped grandma could join us for dinner. So, the thing is that in Madison, because so much of the year it's impossible to sit outside to eat, during patio friendly weather demand is so high that you can only do reservations for inside and outside is first come first serve. And restaurants are all packed in Madison, we have more restaurants per capita than anywhere else in the world and if your goal is brunch or dinner on weekends during normal hours, you're 1-2 hours wait without a reservation. from like 9am-1pm and from 5pm-8pm.  So knowing this, I headed straight to the restaurant with my mum to get the waiting moving along while my sister's family stopped by their hotel and my da went to get my grandma. We first put our name in at Ancho & Agave for outdoor seating but a party of 8 is a big party and it was "an hour and a half to 2 hours -- but really whenever the table of 8 that's been here just over an hour leaves" so my sister was getting angry and frustrated and she was projecting her own hanger onto "the kids can't wait that long to eat, they'll get squirrelly and tantrumy" but it was really my sister wanted an immediate solution not the kids being close to meltdowns.  So, next door to Ancho & Agave is Biaggi's, an Italian restaurant,which does have outdoor seating (also first come first serve) but couldn't do a table of 8 due to spacing/server areas/the tables are falling apart when moved around. BUT, they thought they could get us to two nearby-ish tables of 4. So my sister insisted we choose the Italian restaurant (my da doesn't like pasta. or rice dishes -- but he likes sushi. Just not rice except in sushi. But he doesn't like any pastas) AND she insisted that it made the most sense to have the 4 of them sit together at one table and my parents and me and my grandma at the other table. Which, for the sake of the bill made sense, but my mum got wounded bird hurt about her suggestion of putting one parent with a kid at each table and splitting up the grandparent and aunt/great-grandma across the tables to get more time with the littles. BUT, my mum projected her own anger/hurt not getting what she wanted onto my grandma would be upset. (Spoiler alert: grandma had fallen asleep by the time my da got there so she never even joined us...)  And while my mum was saying that and very clearly upset about it, my sister (who IS an empath receiver though she denies that exists) noticed my mum's mood (which i was the only one at the table couldn't spin her out of it especially as she was facing them) and my sister came over to talk about it with us but was condescending talking down trying to rationalize why her decision was the right one and that if we were going to be that upset and stare at them pouting "we" should have said something (my back was to their table, but whatever) and my mum told her, "don't walk to me like I'm five!" and then my sister went back after telling us it's hard to believe we weren't even talking about her (we weren't when she came over, I was trying to distract my mum with discussing the flowers and bees right next to me after trying to distract her with menu related options of conversation) but my sister INSISTED we'd been saying her name talking about her which is why she came over. And like, their food had arrived before my da even showed up (sans grandma) and he walked into the middle of the tension and anger (on his behalf and my grandma's, but actually my mum still being hurt/angry/upset) and he and I did our best. But it was awkward and awful and finally my mum came off it when she noticed my sister hadn't drunk any of her food or touched her sangria. And then my mum started rationalizing that the patio tables at the Mexican were too close together and as she unbended, I smiled at Miche and Monroe on their way back from the two year old's potty break and smoothed things over and invited them to sit with us after they'd finished eating closed out. And THEN my sister ate after it got smoothed over.  But I tell ya, a Virgo sun sister and a Scorpio sun mom and a Capricorn sun dad is a lot for even a Libra  sun Pisces rising to balance and spin bright sometimes.... 

My "favorite" story of that was when my sister and I were in high school and my cousin whose family had just moved down to Orlando area was in middle school and my cousin had come to Epcot with us. And my sister was absolutely stubbornly ADAMANT that my cousin and I were joking and laughing about her discluding her. We weren't, it was pure inanity and silliness (that cousin is a Pisces sun Libra rising and I'm a Libra sun Pisces rising -- it's a lot of goofiness when we're both in good moods) and when we tried to include my sister she thought we were mocking her. But like, literally, my cousin and I have this standing joke that when we get too silly, we need to "drink a cup of tea" before we get yelled at by the adults and it literally goes back to a time she was visiting when i was like 12 and she was like 7 and we were getting squirrelly so I primly said to her, "Cuppa tea?" and started pouring invisible tea into invisible cups/saucers and then sipping mine and when she didn't have her pinky up chiding her, "Pinky up dear. Pinky up. How will anyone ever know you're drinking tea if you don't keep your pinky up and elbows in?" and then later in the dinner simply miming it at her and making her laugh so hard she had chocolate milk come out her nose. And so ever since then, we've had this standing joke of saying "cuppa tea?" to mean "chill the fuck out now" but actually just starts us giggling and to this day she cna make me crack up from across the room by pantomiming a sipping from an invisible cup of tea at me and vice versa. So literally, that day at Epcot when my sister insisted we were mocking her, after my mum told us to include her, we TRIED to offer her invisible cups of eta to join us in our hilarity and joking about needing to buy some tea in England to calm us down but my sister thought we were making fun of her with trying to include her... And so she went to mey mum in TEARS over it sobbing over it insisting we'd been making fun of her and using her name and my mum ordered us to apologize and we both insisted we hadn't been laughing at her, just drinking invisible tea and we'd invited her to join us and then she went off sobbing that we were making fun of her and we couldn't apologize for something we never did but we were sorry she felt excluded and would she like a cup of tea with us?! And my mother didn't believe my cousin and I, told us we were done with world showcase, couldn't do any more rides, and had to go sit in front of US Hall and wait for them there on timeout and my cousin and I had a great time entertaining ourselves by the lagoon sitting and waiting on them, but I've hated the USA area of Epcot ever since as it reminds me of a burning sense of injustice... USA Pavilion remains my least favorite place in all of Disney World to this day as a result of that memory.  But my sister STILL insists we were making fun of her by name whereas my cousin and I remember it as one of the most unjust things either of us ever had to endure at Disney but we had a good time of it anyway even if we were on undeserved time out from rides and shows and characters and no money for foods/drinks. 

Anyway, what I'm saying is that when my sister is upset or thinks people are excluded/excluding her or thinks people are upset with her, she assumes that all conversations, pleasant or unpleasant, between the people she's emotionally at odds with is directly about her. And there's no convincing her otherwise when she's in that head space that you're talking about her... So that lade last night unnecessarily unpleasant, though we patched things up best as possible when they rejoined us at our table later) 

Today was a brilliant perfect day though!!!!!

I woke up for sunrise (which was a gorgeous one!)  Then I took my dog for a 2.5 hour morning walk, then quick breakfast of coffee and over easy eggs and slow morning changing and getting ready to head out. Then the dog and I came into work for a bit before I put Billy Joel on for her babysitter before heading to Olbrich Gardens to meet my sister, brother-in-law, neblings, parents, and grandma.  And we had a lovely (albeit slow at my grandma's walker pace) circling to visit the Thai pavilion then the rest of the way around the main walk. (the various gardens themselves are off the main walk are too uneven for my grandma to walk at this point, so we didn't really see them -- but the outdoor gardens at Olbrich botanical gardens are free.)  And then we all went to Buck & Honey for late lunch and drinks before parting ways -- my sister's crew to swim in the hotel pool, my parents to take my grandma home since she was exhausted, and me to get coffee (whole bean for at home and an afternoon cup of Dark Sumatran.)  Then I returned to my dog at the computer store and Billy Joel.  I changed into my painting clothes and did one last tie-dye (black and hot pink spiral) on a stained cami with the two remaining half-filled bottles of dye from when my sister decided on Thurs night to re-dye her two things she was most excited about dying that didn't turn out how she wanted. (Luckily, she likes the re-dyes better! She was waffling and i told her, "Look, if you're unhappy enough with them now that you won't like wearing them and will always change,out of them, then you can't make them worse with re-dying. Don't re-dye for tiny tweaks of 'I wish' as you'll likely eff up what you loved about it, but if you think it's unwearable for you as is, then you lose nothing by attempting a re-dye.")  

And after I dyed the cami that will be last of our tie-dyes from this visit, I started the process of watering my outdoor pots/planters/flower bed.  And then I realized, seeing the splatter of black dye on my feet and splashed across my hands, my heart did an absolute somersault inside me realizing just how desperately I have missed spending the vast majority of my days with my hands covered in graphite, ink, and various types of paints/markers. I spent most of my childhood dancing, drawing, writing, and gardening/science-ing.... Those are really the things that I love most.  After I was told that I'm too tall to be a prima ballerina given I'd be taller than male dancers in pointe shoes and that there was no way I could be a healthy weight under 125lbs given as tall as I already was in the 3rd grade (I was a lanky gangly coltish beanpole puppy with huge hands and feet throughout my childhood -- I've been the same height since the 5th grade) I gave up on being a professional dancer. And then I decided that what i wanted to be was an animator and I spent all my time sketching and painting, attended a Disney animation camp in middle school (yes that's a thing they used to have, with actual animators) until I found out that I'd have to have a degree from SCAD (which I was accepted to on academic scholarship -- academically smart kids don't go to art schools, not even the Harvard of art schools) the amount of time I'd have to spend as an in betweener making a salary barely minimum wage for 8-15 years living in L.A. or Orlando before I could even get to do any sort of character work or design work. So then I shifted my focus to the sciences and pre-med because I like understanding the ways things work and I like healing people and and animals and plants. And then I decided in college that the things I love about the scientific method and healing were all the things that modern American medical insurance system wouldn't allow me to do. So then i said, "Fine fuck it. Clearly nothing I choose is the right path for me. I'll just wander as a hand of Fate to cleanse and heal whatever I find until the right path finds me." And I've just been wandering my life without any goals or longterm plans as the wind blows me ever since....

Anyway. Where I was going with that. My hands and my feet covered in dye like ink speckles made my heart do a somersault over missing the place my love of making art used to have in my life but which my ADHD time management hasn't made room for in my life in the last several years. So I decided it was stupid of me to miss something I love so dearly just because I didn't make time for it -- it's stupid not to make time for things you genuinely love. So I decided it was time to fucking change that and put art time right back in the center of my life again. So I told Mikaela that I know I have to help my grandma with appointments and her grandparent's visit is start of August AND she has all her French homework to finish up AND she bought me one of her favorite books for me to read with her but I asked her how she felt about for the rest of the summer setting our Tuesday/Thursdays as art days and our Mon/Weds/Fri as homework/writing/reading days (I've been neglecting my real writing as well) for the rest of the summer until school starts again for her.  And she was super excited for the plan!!! I also told her we're allowed to go to the woods or gardens or the zoo on art days so long as we sketch wherever we go adventuring.  Which made her even more excited. We'll see how well we stick to it, lol. But for now we're both excited for our art/writing/French homework plan to get things done.

then around 7:30ish, I'd brought in the water after the plants at the exact time that the kids were done at the pool and snacking in the room. And we decided nobody was dinner hungry given how late we ate lunch and that we'd just go have ice cream for dinner. (the kids had coupons for free ice cream scoops from Chocolate Shoppe for searching for pollinators in the botanical gardens.  It's only for kids though, the pollinator search earning you free ice cream.  So the rest of us had to pay for our ice creams, lol.)  And after ice cream for dinner watching the firesmoke sunset (fire smoke from the Canada wildfires in the upper altitudes here) and glorious gibbous moon then we went to a playground for the kids to burn off their jet fuel til dusk settled in with the fireflies and the mosquitoes started biting ferociously.  And then I came back into work and my dog and Billy Joel. And I'm still here. 

Tomorrow's family plans are: let the kids swim in the hotel pool til checkout --> family lunch --> hangout --> then they have to return their rental car by 2:30 and then to the airport for their flight. And then I'll head to work and to garden or hang out with Mikaela if she comes in with her mom.

Also, my nephew and niece were super excited when they saw me in the gardens and said, "DANI! You look like Tinkerbell! But with dark hair that looks like fire in the sun and a red dress!" They'd never seen me with my hair up in a ballerina bun before today. (I didn't want to brush my hair after my long walk with the dog, so I just put it up in a bun with some bobby pins and stuck some color changing plumeria barrettes around the bun.  And then I went with the red and white dress instead of a darker colored dress as I like to wear bright cheerful outfits for my grandma, they make her happy like flowers do AND the bright colors are easier for her to follow with her glaucoma. So today I got to be "Aunt Dani-Belle!" and they kept asking me to sprinkle them with pixie dust (during which I'd tickle them and make magic sound effects) and then they'd go galloping off pretending they could fly, lol. 

The only thing with it is, unlike the actual Tinker Bell, I really don't have much of an ass at all, even when I work really hard at toning it... Ridiculous boobs on a tiny ribcage and hips, but no ass. so trying to get the classic Tinkerbelle pose is way less effective than I might wish...

Also, please don't judge me too harshly body type wise -- I'm as overweight and jiggly as I've ever been in all my life. Definitely have a bit of a tummy and love handles and can't fit into any of my size 2 pants/skirts/dresses (only my size 4s) and I'm feeling more than a little self-conscious about it and not loving all my clothes I own right now. (I don't own a scale though. On principle. I've known and cared about too many people who fell into eating disorders over the fluctuating numbers on a scale -- dance background and theatre just for fun.) So you see, I don't actually do much exercising unless it's things I enjoy -- dancing, yoga, fencing, martial arts, gardening, hiking, bouldering, rock climbing, canoeing, ice skating on ponds, snow shoeing/snow hiking, etc. (I actually do enjoy weight lifting, but not by myself -- and I only like running on wet sand beaches. Cement and treadmills cause my knees to lock up/give out after about half a mile in proper shoes, rack/field track rubber gives me headaches from the off-gassing, and people hate it when you run on their grass.  So soft wet sand on a shoreline is my favorite, but without living near an ocean or massive lake, it's not really feasible.) I've not been doing much dance or yoga other than occasional drills/barre routines since covid started, it's just not the same when not in person and in person isn't REALLY safe when I spend as much time as I do with my grandma who's 84, a 16 year old who couldn't get fully vaccinated til mid-June, then my neblings visit, and the new info on delta variant as it's coming out...I don't take care of myself in the pandemic, I take care of myself for the sake of people I love who are at risk and/or can't yet be vaccinated. And then, all my outdoor activities (including walking the dog at the ponds) got over-crowded by people who didn't used to outdoors but were now crowding all the places I like best to outdoors. My favorite thing about reopening isn't the potential return of concerts, it's the reduction in crowds in all my favorite outdoors spaces and haunts -- I've hated them so crowded and peopley!!

Also also. I'm not sunburned, you're sunburned. That's totally not a sunburn line across my boobs..... That's um, just skin that was in the sun after the sunscreen wore off and you failed to reapply it before it returns to alabaster pale -- aka my normal summer skin... My arms/face may look tanned compare to my boobs, but they're still red (under the bluish color of the zinc oxide sunscreen) and cheese grater against my skin raw to the touch painful and haven't peeled yet -- once they peel they'll go back to pale af. The redhead gene fair-skinned members of my family (my father, me, my sister, my cousins Teddy and Maddie, and my niece Monroe) burn so easily that we're not sunburned until our skin is redder than the shade of red we're wearing. (O this is definitely a 3 day sunburn and my arms/thighs are still not fully healed from the Tuesday 3 hours boating sunburn.)

 So yesterday, for the baseball game, we sat in the Great Dane Duck Blind section where you get free food and free beer with your ticket price -- they just last call the beer at the end of the 8th inning typically. But the other great thing about it is that it's roofed and right on the field (by the away team's dug out in the outfield) so when a game gets rained out like in yesterday's tornado watch thunderstorms, your area is still covered.  So even though the rest of the seating areas cleared out, they kept the bar open after calling the game just before the start of the 5th inning (it was a double header, so the teams would be playing again that night anyway) they told us in our section that it was "canceled but it's a rain delay until the rain stops or we hit when 8th inning last call would be. So we all just stayed and dance partied while it was lightning and monsoon downpour rains over the field and drank "free" beer and food (my sister said 4 beers was striking even for the extra cost of the tickets in that section.)  

also,  somewhere in the 5th or 6th round of beers during the rainstorm, my sister started taking pictures and even though my mum suggested she get cute pictures of us all,  they are literally all mayhem and chaos except me posing/cheersing and grinning at the camera.  Like 2 dozen of this sort.  They're fucking hilarious. Also,  after these pics,  my sister looked me straight in the eyes told me,  "Tahani.  You are definitely Tahani.  Did you know?"  And I was terribly confused, at first I thought she was weirdly rhyming my nickname to make me new nicknames.... because I've never yet watched The Good Place, though it's been recommended by literally everyone, so the character reference went right over my head.  And then Jon agreed with her once we brought it up to him. He also said that it wasn't a bad thing at all.  So I'll have to watch it as soon as I finish binge watching Big Bang Theory (in season 11 now)  and watch Young Sheldon (I'm a completionist once I decide to watch/read a series) to understand what they mean by saying I'm a Tahani.... 

 My mum was also askance at how much the baseball players were eyeing me, a few in particular, because she felt I was too old for them since they're all college kids. I just shrugged and said, "yeah it happens. A lot. Honest it's so much my normal I don't even notice it anymore. And I mean, they don't know looking at me that I 'm in my 30s. Why do you think I only go to bard for concerts? It's weird when you get hit on by guys you could have babysat when you were a teenager."  Incidentally, that's my ageism line in the sand - if someone is young enough that I could have been their babysitter or camp counselor at any point in their life, than they're too young to be romantically involved with me. 

Also though, until I smile and you can see the eye crinkles that will some day be crow's feet, I really don't look my age... I don't wear makeup and I don't have the time/energy for filters and shit like that for selfies so they're always just straight off the camera.  And generally, my face is pretty much unlined except laughter crinkles when I smile and so nobody ever guesses my actual age. Ancient eyes in an ageless youthful face -- I've always been that way. AND, yesterday my brother-in-law got 2 free hats (that were supposed to be the bingo prize and/or given away tonight -- but he was handing them out for free at our game when Jon snagged them before the manager told him not to.) The kids didn't want them (though Monroe wanted one briefly after I accepted one and put mine on) so my sister and I each got them. And, because of that, I can't blame the baseball players for staring because not only was I wearing a strappy comfy dress, but I had on the baseball hat and I've always looked good in baseball hats.  They're one of many styles of hat that look good on me... Baseball hats/trucker hats/tennis visors make me look preppy and make my eyes look extra huge and my smile look bigger somehow... (I also have a tendency of stealing baseball hats from boyfriends while dating them, especially if I lose/break ponytail holders and they're ones that have a hole in the back of the cap to pull my hair back...just fair warning if you ever find yourself in that situation. I also tend to borrow shirts/hoodies that are comfy and smell like whoever I'm dating -- especially when I've dated touring musicians and athletes before. I like to have something that smells like him until he comes home. It's weird, like a puppy after separated form its mom, I know. But I always find it comforting to have something that smells like someone I love when they're far from me...The hats I just steal because they look so cute on me I can get away with it, lol.)

And yes. I am wearing a pirate Mickey Mouse tee (from the kids section of the Disney Store) as well as my free Madison Mallards hat today. And a black hippie-gypsy patchwork  style long skirt from a music festival.  This is pretty typical for me, lol.

My legs are still so sunburned that they constantly hurt and feel tight -- and laying on my side or stomach is agony and so I'm not sleeping much because i wake up every time I roll over off my back... (I tend to sleep curled up on either of my sides or on my stomach hugging a pillow vertically that I lay on top of a horizontal pillow.)   they're still the color/texture of uncooked hamburger meat -- but they're no longer radiating heat as of early this afternoon!!   Thus why I'm living the long skirts that are soft/flowy and don't really touch my thighs life since I burned them so badly on the boat on Monday.  But they're slowly healing. And I still welcome my niece and nephew climb on my lap and sit on it even when it stings and hurts -- because the sunburn is the fault of my own stupidity and little kids are small snuggle bugs for such a short span of eyars that you must optimize their cuddles while you can, while they want to share them with you and the other people they love and trust.

O! Also, I rinsed out (most) of the tie dyes today.  These are mine. 2 newly bought tees and the rest were white shirts/cardiagns i managed to stain somehow, mostly with coffee if I'm honest (including my Les Mis tour white shirt that I love dearly and got a chocolate/coffee stain that got set won't clean out on the center front and had managed to accidentally get pit stains on -- so I decided I'd try dying it in the colors of the tricolor before giving up on it consigning it to sleep shirt land): 

And these are some of the kids ones that turned out amazing! 

 

Still have a bunch more to rinse out tomorrow though....11 kids tees/tanks, 3 hand towels of mine, a bunch of things for Mikaela, 2 things my sister decided to try re-dying slightly as she wasn't happy with how the original dye turned out. And I have half a bottle of black and half a bottle of hot pink to dye something tomorrow (mixed up what remained for my sister's attempt to re-dye her dress and the one shirt) and I'll rinse my goth punk hippie whatever I end up doing out over the weekend. And then for dinner tonight we all went over to my grandma's had dinner with her and my Uncle Jeff and his fiancé Ling (she's Vietnamese.)  It was the first time that my grandma and Uncle Jeff have ever met Monroe. 

Yeah, my niece is named Monroe Alexandria -- which startled me the first time I heard it as both of them reference past lives of mine. But my sister and brother-in-law are atheists (like anti-spirituality atheists) who don't believe in reincarnation or after life.

But I forgot one of the Monroe stories from her snuggles with me on the boat ride. She was sleepy and curled up for a nap on me and she said, "Aunt Dani. I like being little with you the adult." and I told her I did too. And struggling she said, "Yeah. But. It wasn't always this way. I used to be the adult. And you were the kid. And now I'm the kid and you're the adult."  which made me laugh and I told her, "Sometimes, when we're lucky, we get to see the same people from both sides. You were very good to me as a great-great-aunt when I was a kid and now it's my turn to be good to you and spoil you while you grow up into the new version of you." And she gave a happy sigh snuggled in closer and said, "I'm so glad you remember too! Mommy doesn't remember me though. but at least you do." And I told her quietly, 'Your mommy doesn't believe in people living multiple times, she thinks it's just once. She thinks of who you were as gone forever gone and doesn't see in you now who you were then." She said seriously, 'That sounds like a very sad way to live. To forget people. I'm happy YOU remember me! Because I remember you as a kid. when I was the adult."

Jack and I used to talk about his old memories of his last life back when he was around that age.  And sometimes I can tell her still remembers. Often kids under 3 remember their most recent lives -- and both of my sister's kids were older family members of ours we were close to who died when we were kids/teens.  they also both have very strong gifts, but neither of their parents teach them or work with them or use their own latent gifts around the kids. But also, after kids hit about 4 or 5 years old, unless their parents encourage their memories as being real, the veil drops and most kids forget and then live their life only in the present life. Unless there's someone or something or a death that they consciously cling onto and try to find again in the the next life. It's atypical for people to remember even their most recent past life after about 4 or 5 years old.

 Yesterday, I left my grandma's at 5pm (got there at 8:30am) after writing a short synopsis of the appointment on my phone to email anxious family - then literally before I'd even walked in the front door at work my nephew tickle attacked me.  😂  He saw me pull in and then like a puppy was watching me through the glass in the door as I finished listening/dancing to the end of the song playing on the radio.  Then we all went for dinner (outdoor patio, because unvaccinated littles.)  Then after dinner I went home to bed because I was too exhausted to words coherently (in English or in French) when I tried to sit down and start the longer email about the memory care appointment. 

This morning, I was rested when I woke up at sunrise (as I do) so after morning snuggles with my dog and cat,  I got up tp make breakfast and coffee early.  Then headed into work (to scan in some docs from the appointment) and to drop the dog off for the morning.  And Mikaela was there today (came in with her mom now she's done with her summer school) so chatted with her for a bit.   Then left to go meet the Keslin clan and my parents at 10 for a pontoon boat rental.  I put sunscreen on in the parking lot beforehand, but the rental was for 3hrs and it turns out that sunscreen applied at 9:45 should DEFINITELY be reapplied if you're red-head gene fair skinned outside from 10:30 to 1:30 then at the park next to the lake an extra hour....  😳 Everyone else (re)applied sunscreen but I wanted to finish my passion fruit LaCroix as there was no cup holder near me in the prow of the boat - and then my almost 3yo niece came up to cuddle with me and I forgot about the reapplication of my own sunscreen until it was far far too late....  I am lobster burned across my face,  arms,  and thighs....  As in,  this is the current state of my thighs: 

Oy.  (and yes I'm sitting around my flat in my skivvies and black tee - my legs were so raw from the burn when I pulled down my cutoff shorts to pee that I had an internal "awww hell no is that sandpaper denim getting pulled back on or off again tonight!" I'll likely sleep in skivvies or in the nude tonight too tbh.)   They're far redder in person but my camera's auto white balance keeps over correcting the skintone...  This is how it's white balancing my sunburned face (and darkening my hair and eyes to compensate): 

Yeah.... My nose and cheeks are actually strawberry red right now,  lol. 

Then afterward,  I went to Target with Mikaela to find some white tees for her to tie dye with us.  (I also bought two bottles of fragrance free,  dye free,  alcohol free aloe vera gel - my idea was to have one at home and one at work,  but my sister and niece were burnt enough I offered my sister to take one for their hotel room this visit and if they don't want to pack it home to return it Sunday/Monday with however much is left. She was incredibly grateful.) Then we all had a tie-dye party (my brother-in-law had actually never done tie-dye before in his life was super excited for it - but my sister was likely even more excited, lol.)  We are leaving them soak overnight for optimum color saturation and will get to open them in the morning! We have extra dye (this is a powders in squeeze bottles then add water dye kit) and after adding water you can only save the dyes for like 24hrs. So we're going to re-dye in the morning if any are meh results and I told Mikaela to raid for white things or pale yellow/pink/blue things so she can use it up in the morning and have more tie dyed things than one tee and one tank.  

While tie dying,  despite my grandma's appointment going as well as possible for someone with obvious short term memory issues AND my summary of most important points,  my Aunt Linda and Uncle Steve intentionally kicked up a hornet's nest of new drama today.  New drama that my aunt set in motion yesterday morning BEFORE my grandma's appointment. Over an oriental rug that used to be in the hallway got rolled up years ago when my grandma started needing a walker and which my aunt was trying to dibs as something she always wanted (and also nonchalantly verbally appraised as a $2k rug - it's not)  and is in a tizzy it's missing so she spun Steve to accuse his brothers of stealing grandma's things from her place and to say even if grandma gifts things she's not mentally competent to dispose of her own belongings how she chooses...  And I'm LIVID as not only did they schedule the memory care appointment on the first day of my sister's visit after the plane tickets were bought but they intentionally stirred this up to stress and destabilize my father DURING the visit of his grandkids knowing how much they mean to him and how he only sees them a handful of times per year AND having both been told in the last several days about the visit and both of them having talked to me about it so I know they know.  So fuck them - they can wait til after my sister's family fly back to Seattle next Monday to get any damn scrap of info other than my "short" summary and the doctor's notes.  Play manipulative mean girl bullying head games with me and I go from harmony seeking peace keeper to intractable stubborn uncooperative refusal to give you any damn thing you want complete 180. And nothing will undo me when you put me in the mood other than you acknowledging your use of bullying tactics and ceasing or me deciding you're not worth my energy....  

Anyway.  Post tie dye cleanup,  we split 2 bottles of red currant wine and red currant mead a friend of mine made and wanted honest feedback on between my mom,  sister, brother-in-law, Sarah,  and me.  Then we went to the Nitty Gritty a couple blocks from where I live (brought the dogs since they're allowed on their patio.)  Then Audrey and I went for an hour and a half sunset/gloaming/twilight /nightfall walk with the fireflies and waxing crescent moon.  

Now.  I'm gonna cold shower to draw out some sunburn heat (NOT fucking shaving my legs again til the lobster burn is fully healed, no matter how stubbly my legs get), re-aloeing me and drink a cuppa chamomile tea before bed.  Then up early for breakfast/coffee then tie dye unwrapping party before a Mallards baseball game.  (not even minor league team - it's the local team in the "where college kids play to get scouted" team,  lol.  But all gen ad super kid oriented fun.) Then I dunno what til dinner but the kids haven't yet got to swim in the hotel pool since it closes early,  so that's their pre-dinner priority.

Good thing I got 31.5 of my 40hrs for this work week in across Sat/Sun! 

No ideas when next I'll write here  Later gator.  Or maybe "later Navy-gator" as my 5yo nephew and I decided he was on the boat.  He was really the best alligator giving directions I've ever seen!  😂 

The tickets to the October George Winston shows (in Milwaukee on Oct 21 and Madison on Oct 25) went on sale yesterday.  I just didn't get to it yesterday since I had family stuff (Thai food dinner with my mom and aunt to fill out the the packet of information for grandma's geriatric memory assessment -- I tried filling it out with my grandma but 45mins later we had answered all of 6 questions and it was like pulling teeth to get her to figure out how to do the columns/rows to check the boxes of her self-evaluation; the appointment is on Monday at noon.  So my aunt will be coming into town after dropping the twins off at summer school to make breakfast for my grandma, my aunt, and me and making sure everything goes as smoothly as possible and is as bright as possible then I'll be taking grandma to 2.5+ hour appointment. Luckily, I'll have books to read. Unless they're talking with me included in appointments. Dunno how this first memory care assessment works. First time taking anyone.) Tickets for GW are far more expensive than his past shows though...they're like $50 each before fees. I also haven't been to any concerts since covid shutdown.  And I still have strong feelings that people should be masked/socially distanced if those under 12 could be in attendance...

I haven't yet figured out who I might go with or anything like that. That Sunday, Oct 24, my mom and I have tickets to the Packers game up at Lambeau, but we'll be driving up and back the same day, Green Bay is only like a 4 hour drive or something like that so it's not worth staying over night or anything. 

I'll talk to my mom see if she wants to go to either of the George Winston shows, she's a big fan of his since before I was born. Or I'll figure something out. I've seen him many times now, but I do enjoy going to go see him whenever the chance comes across my path!  Which is pretty much every fall/winter for as long as I can remember.

Also, I spent most of today working and will work into the wee hours and then I'll work some more tomorrow to get as many hours in as possible for next week before my sister and her family get here (their flight gets in on the same day as my grandma's big important appointment.) Tomorrow my plans before working are North side Farmer's Market and then Art Fair Off the Square (if weather permits -- tomorrow is supposed to be rainy. And still chilly. Wore long sleeves today. Temps between 50s and 70 all weekend and Monday.) 

That's all I got for right now. Ciao.

If I lay here If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told, Before we get too old. Show me a garden that's bursting into life. All that I am, All that I ever was, Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see. I don't know where, Confused about how as well, Just know that these things will never change for us at all. If I lay here. If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Sweet Jayzus,  am I exhausted.  Was already exhausted (have spent half my days at grandma's this week already and it's only Weds and my Friday is getting sucked into that morning and dinner with family about it.) Play was not Jim DeVita's best work.  Was histrionic connect the dots rather than a true becoming or connection to anything in the role - but still glad I went and saw it.  I needed the break and theatre.  (APT is going unmasked, both indoor and outdoor, and I strongly disagree with that choice given the delta variants rapid spread, the fact even vaccinated people can get infected to spread delta variant after 2.5 minutes of exposure, the number of elderly at shows, and frankly I don't believe anywhere should be allowing unmasked if it allows children under 12 who are as yet unable to get vaccinated but are forced to go anywhere their parents tell them to. Based on the evidence on the delta variant,  I strongly disapprove at this time of concerts,  festivals,  theatre,  county/state fairs, church events,  and any large gathering that is both unmasked AND allows children under 12.  The vaccines prevent MOST vaccinated individuals from severe (and often symptomatic) infection but they can still get the virus and spread it -- including to unvaccinated indidivuals. . It's irresponsible and I think the event organizers and bands involved share the karmic guilt upon their shoulders equally with the parents for putting the unable to be vaccinated dependents in harm's way.... I know bands desperately want to tour and play shows again,  but anything that knowingly puts innocents and vulnerable people at risk is not ethically okay in my book and I do not support such choices at this time.  Once kids are at least able to be vaccinated, you can open up to all ages shows - but until then,  playing them makes you guilty of creating the conditions of a super spreader event to put kids at risk....) 

Also. Uncle Steve is now trying to undermine and sabotage blow up grandma moving to Cardinal View....  But he did so obeying my altered rules of interactions not to attack allies and that research is useful.  And I don't even have the energy for it right now tbh.  Hearing that right out the gate from my mother opening my parents front door to pick up my dog instantly drained me....  And I've never seen my dog run out the door in that much a hurry to leave.  She aye her dinner and is laying down the hall by my bedroom door waiting for me for sleepytime snuggles....  

I read his email.  Not even thinking about it further tonight.  

Sleep now. I just want to curl into bed, snuggle down into the bond* rest there, and give in to my exhaustion....  Sleep til predawn.  And probably go back to sleep after the sunrise til my body/mind/emotional carrying capacity say they're rested...  Bonne nuit. 

*side note: was too preoccupied busy today to try to push Eric away or setup defensiveness inside me to protect against the Weds poisoning he's been doing for the last year plus....  But the poisoning didn't happen again this week? ... Or at least,  not that I noticed or felt in the bond?.... And I have no idea why?...  But at least I didn't spend all day today on eggshells preparing myself for the shoe to fall promising myself I won't flinch when it smacks me upside the feels at 8pm.  Et alors.  Je ne comprends pas.  Mais, comme ça avec juste l'amour sans aucune poison,  c'est beaucoup plus mieux!!!  

Eh bien.  Bonne nuit vraiment cette fois!  😘 

[post title: lyrics to the Snow Patrol song Chasing Cars.  Which is randomly in my head since I got home.]

 Tomorrow (today now) I have to take grandma to her dentist appointment for a filling. And she's been VERY difficult and stubborn and not particularly well situated in right now for the last week. My Uncle Jeff called me tonight because he felt like a failure at helping her because she refused to eat, refused to do any medications except one of the three glaucoma eyedrops she's supposed to do before bed, eventually told him, "Just leave already" and so he went outside to clean her air filters and ac filters with his air compressor and bring it back in and when he returned in 10 mins she'd put herself to bed with her compression stockings still on was out so hard that she didn't even wake up form him putting those back together or calling me to tell me how it went talking in his normal volume voice.... Soooo, we'll see how tomorrow morning/early afternoon goes...    Also though, tomorrow night I have tickets to go see An Iliad at APT's indoor theatre, The Touchstone. (They are still requiring masks for the indoor theatre, though relaxing it for outdoor to optional except on specific "masked" Fridays. They are still social distancing groups for seating in both theatres.)  So no matter how bad tomorrow is, I'll have that to look forward to!!

And then no more appointments for me to take her to until next Monday, July 12. Whenever I head home, I'll be sitting at somewhere over 30 hours out of my 40 for this week. Which is good, means I can spend at least some of Thursday and Friday at home recharging and tidying things.  Saturday morning is Farmer's market day.  I do need to figure out if Friday morning I'm to assist grandma with her morning routine and get her leg warmers on her and then Friday night I'm having Thai food for dinner with my mom and Aunt Linda and we'll be filling out grandma's geriatric appointment from the family perspective (averaging what each of us say) given that trying to fill out from grandma's perspective was a failure.   Also one of my good college friends form Chicago area is coming up over the weekend with some friends of hers for camping/APT/Farmer's Market. But she intends to do Farmer's Market late and I can't stand the press of the crowd an dhow slow it moves unless I go stupid early -- this is worse since covid giving the number of people who don't wear masks AND don't socially distance there..... But I told her we could try to make some plans over the weekend if she'd like, only I would not be joining her for "late" Farmer's Market. O, and then this weekend is Art Fair Off The Square.(all Wisconsin based artists) though they moved Art Fair On The Square (all national/international artists, it's by invite only) to the fall and I think right now the plan is that on Sunday I'll go with my mom and Crissy as we normally art fair together.

Next week, however, is going to be a lot. A fucking lot.

Monday is grandma's geriatric appointment at noon but my Aunt Linda offered to come in early from Mazo to help me get her ready and cook us a good breakfast/brunch and get some coffee into grandma to help the appointment go best as possible.  

But then, also, the afternoon of July 12 is when my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and niece will get into town. So spending time with them will be pretty much the focus of my life while they're here. Because that's how I behave whenever I get to spend time with people I rarely see, like my family in the Seattle area. So July 12-19 will be mostly spent in a whirlwind of activities and time spent with my family from the Kirkland area. And then after they're gone there's some more appointments end of month, but I'm not really thinking/looking that far ahead.

P.S. I'm in season 8 of Big Bang Theory, and I realized why I just sort of stopped watching even sporadically after the 7th season. It got stale -- the writing went downhill and all their jokes became cliche and obvious. Also, I really loathe Penny's "corporate Karen" haircut.

 Welp. This is what happens when you finally push hard enough that you piss off the sleep deprived Libra sun, Pisces rising, Capricorn moon, Sag Mars....While Mars is transiting the Saturn-Uranus square again so everything's. ehrm, volatile.... In the midst of a lengthy email, this was my 2nd topic and I definitely just chastised everyone in the generation older than me on my da's side of the family for their petty squabbling and active animosity this way:

"This is me addressing the elephant in the room. I may be the youngest in physical age but I'm no longer going to ignore it as it is snowballing reaching a level of toxicity it is causing harm and emotional stress to many people we all love, most importantly it's harmful to RAL herself.

Yesterday I had some very long productive conversations, both on the phone and in person, with Linda since yesterday was my morning to assist RAL with putting on her leg warmers. Both Linda and I expressed independently that we have envisioned grandma in her apartment at Cardinal View and that rather than the passive aggressive attacks and defensive accusations, we both see grandma's best chances moving forward to be cooperation between ALL of grandma's allies in seeking the best possible care for grandma's changing needs. (Lin, please feel free to correct me if in those lines I am putting words in your mouth based on my interpretation of our conversations and the mutual understanding I felt we reached.  The rest of this is my observations and opinions alone.) 

Based on the opening of Brian's email AND based on what Steve replied to Linda's email, they both referenced emails I was never included in, I gather that there have been inflammatory, accusatory attacks and threats made that did not include me and thus were deliberately exclusionary towards people intimately involved in grandma's care for the last 8 years.  Frankly, I got enough of that sort of mean girls cheerleader "you can't sit with us" ostracism  and backstabbing "say one thing to your face and attack you behind your back" mean girls fake friends behavior in middle school. I certainly never expected to witness such emotionally immature behavior within my own family especially from grown men.  I have stayed out of it until now because it's petty and stupid and as I was excluded from it, I didn't need to involve myself until now. 

Whatever the personal history and baggage that is driving such open overt hostility, the person you are hurting most in such behavior is GRANDMA by attacking GRANDMA'S allies.  Everybody involved has the same end goals and desires that RAL receive the best care and live the happiest possible life that remains to her. People may have different ideas of the best strategy to get there.  Please understand that the thing that emotionally guts grandma deepest to hurt her at this point in her life is meanness and cruelty, especially amongst her family who she deeply loves EVERY member of that family -- EVERY time anyone attacks and accuses or is cruel to members of her family, the person you are hurting deepest in the present and future is your mother. EVERY barbed attack verbal and non-verbal against your siblings or anyone that grandma loves grieves her deeply.  She has multiple times over the last 3 weeks asked me in confusion what is motivating such behavior and why her children are being so cruel to each other and all I can tell her is that I genuinely don't know since like her I have been excluded from these inter-sibling squabbles. In one of her more lucid times following an appointment with her primary care doctor last month, grandma broke down crying asking how she could have failed as a parent that her children are being so petty and mean between each other. Yesterday was one of her not as lucid/focused days yet while she was napping between Lin's visits, grandma was having nightmares where she was whimpering and said quite distinctly, "Boys! Stop fighting boys!" then started whimpering again in her sleep.  

I'm choosing to share with all of you about these two deeply personal interactions I had with grandma over the last 2 weeks because I need every single one of grandma's children and grand-children to understand that when you accuse your siblings or any of her grand-children of intentionally sabotaging her or manipulating/spinning each other such inflammatory language is actively distressing grandma no matter what cognitive state she is in, waking and sleeping.  Every time you are tempted to lash out at a sibling or interact in a negative accusatory manner, please know that the person you are hurting deepest in your vindictiveness and accusations and need to one up your siblings is grandma. Every single one of us is an ally in assisting grandma through these next months which are going to be difficult enough -- stop attacking your fellow allies and please try to focus on cooperating and providing the best possible care for grandma. And I do need you to remember that grandma reads emotions and subtext extraordinarily well and she has known all of her kids and grandkids their entire life -- she knows when people are hurting and she knows when there is meanness happening in the interactions between her kids and right now she is blaming herself for the animosity and defensiveness that has arisen within the sibling interactions. Whatever your personal opinions and however you choose to behave toward each other after grandma's time with all of us ends is between the 4 of you -- but for now, know that when you attack ANY of grandma's allies and family who she loves dearly you are directly attacking your mother and hurting her at deeply mental and emotional levels during one of the most terrifying times of her entire life when she most needs comfort and support. And that's not fair to do to grandma. 

I'm not calling out anyone by name for past behavior because the blame game over spilt milk would be further divisiveness rather than a healthier approach moving forward. I'm asking all 4 of you to pause before anything you are tempted to respond aggressively or accusatory or blaming your siblings to remember that such behaviors are hurting grandma's physical, mental, and emotional health when you interact with such intentional cruelty and meanness between each other. Your sibling dynamics past and future are between the four of you and I'm not your therapists to try to help you untangle and heal it all -- but please in this present time don't make a time that's already impossibly scary and hard for grandma be any harder than it already is for her. Because that's the very real world consequence of what this schoolyard bully behavior has been doing and will continue to do if it doesn't stop. Please approach communications regarding grandma's current and future care in a spirit of cooperation and transparency approaching her allies and her loved ones and recognize that in attacking her allies you're attacking her."

 

Guess we'll see what happens.... I'm going home where I don't have internet now that I hardcore Jewish guilted them all with that emotional hand grenade telling them to stop behaving like squabbling children as it's hurting their mom more than it's hurting each other. Home now and an afternoon nap! 

Good times.  It's done now and sent. Can't unsay it... #SorryNotSorry

 Farmer's Marketed and buried my dead bird at the crossroads where the creeping charlie grows at the edge of the  woods.  Now just waiting for a good time to pause the Billy Joel music and take my dog home....

Also, honey bbq cheese curds are not as good as you want them to be, even when squeaky fresh made from cows milked that morning. But they were new and I wanted to try them. That said, I feel like they'll be super good in a grilled cheese or maybe mac and cheese (one of my weird food habits since I was a kid = bbq sauce mixed in my mac and cheese; it's weird I know but it's so good) or to make like a brisket poutine with honey bbq cheese curds.... Pretty keen on that brisket poutine with bbq cheese curds idea, not gonna lie. Sadly though, I have no brisket....

My sleep deprived brain also decided to buy red raspberries (because the rabbits chewed a hole through my da's fence in the raspberry bramble my grandpa and I planted in my parents backyard, so rabbits ate all his red raspberry shoots) and then to put those raspberries in my bag for cheeses and honey rather than my lettuce and veggies bag... At the bottom of the cheese bag. And I stocked up on a LOT of cheese today as I was getting low. Whoops. Some raspberries were defo crushed, but not all of them! And they'll be a happy surprise for him when he gets home from frisbee golf this morning -- he's had an even harder time than me over the stuff with his family. On top of the trying to do the best by his mom and having his efforts all thrown back in his face, he's the focus of Steve's paranoid delusions and accusations and nothing da says or doesn't say will be read without Steve taking the exact opposite tack and spinning it all against him and blaming my da of trying to sabotage everything and control everyone... Which like, my da and Uncle Steve shared a room growing up as the 2 boys closest in age, so it's just hurtful emotionally hard on top of everything else. Especially when my news for him was that grandma was definitely having a bad day yesterday (one of the worst I'd yet seen tbh) and he's just hurting right now....he's at a point where he literally wouldn't even want Steve or Lin at his funeral because he doesn't want their false show of sorrow in front of mutual friends/family when they didn't give a fuck about him during his life and needed to make him their emotional kicking bag.... It's been a hard year on him -- but even smushed because my less than 3 hours of sleep in 72 hours brain decided at 6:30am that the proper place to put the raspberries was UNDER like 20 bricks of cheese and cheese curds and a jar of black locust honey red raspberries will make him super happy!  And my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and niece will be arriving the same day as the super contentious "I'm going to go nuclear if I don't get my way and she doesn't show up even if she has covid like symptoms" memory care appointment. And my da loves every moment he gets to spend being a grandpa!! 

*sigh* I should write a response to the family emails threads... Both my parents and Aunt Linda told me I need to speak up and (re)claim my own voice at the table. Lordy.... But here goes.

 Lor' almighty today has been long and hard and a lot. Emotionally exhausting. 

 I was at grandma's from 9:30-7:30 today....and today was one of her difficult days. Let's just say it started with her being chilled she stood up and pulling the pillowcase off her pillow insisting that's how she always' puts a pull on and it clearly would have head/arm holes and that the jackets I offered her were not acceptable as the cloth was too cold being room temperature. In hindsight, I can't stop laughing at the memories of watching her stubbornly insist that the pillowcase, and then the pillow itself, was clearly a sweater/pull of some sort and trying to prove it to me for like half an hour before I finally got her to give up on her stubborn insistence on the pillowcase and instead try the jacket I'd been holding out for her. I mean, it was legitimately funny (even if in the moment a bit, "WTF grandma?!" scary.)  I told my parents about that incident but NOT my aunt..... I mean, it was some straight up Monty Python shit....

But I made the peace I sought. Never got a chance to talk to Gwen the social worker about the intimidation... But there's a family armistice. We'll see how long I can keep a peace. Right now, it's being held together by a "no boys allowed" policy of me, my Aunt Linda, and my mum insisting on allyship common goals cooperating and excluding all the testosterone-y reliving their adolescent issues of the 3 brothers. We'll see how long this lasts. 4 days? Til the current battle amongst allies for backstabbing Pyrrhic victories that is Jul 12? Til after my sister, bro-in-law, and neblings fly back to Seattle? On verra....

We'll see how long I can hold this family Belfast Accords.

Also my parents fed me dinner. So I mean, I can't much complain about sun-dried tomato pesto butter salmon and lemon chipotle broccoli and splitting a bottle of dragon tears wine with maman. But will need to chat with my papa after he's done on his zoom games with friends. 

Ooft. and planing to meet at 6am for Farmer's Market. Gods am I masochist or what the actual?! (Don't answer that....)

O. And I have a midsummer dead bird to bury at a crossroad that I found with a broken neck after flying into the window outside work this evening when I stopped by for my laptop. Don't ask. It's one of my summer traditions/rituals that just sort of created/perpetuates itself... Every summer I find a dead bird around sunset between the solstice and July 7th and I always bury it in a woods near a crossroads. I just found it tonight while dinner was waiting on me -- so it's currently wrapped in a paper towel shroud sitting outside my parents back door waiting for me to dig a grave for the dead bird. But at a crossroads. Always at a crossroads. Don't ask me why, it's just what my intuition has always insisted upon since I was a small child as the proper place to bury dead birds. And who am I to argue with intuition anyway? 

A very tired peace maker and general getting her allies in order for the long war til grandma is moved. With a dead bird to bury at a crossroads. That's who I am.

Huh.  Curious. After spending all day pushing him away internally over expecting his typical Weds night poisoning down the bond,  there was none last night.  Don't understand why this week there was a reprieve... But it was probably a fluke. And it wasn't really wasted time/inner work/energy us - after all there's always next Weds to have to push him away fighting all over again to block out the poisons his choices create.  And the next.  And the next.  And the next..... 

Sarah actually brought me another new to me bookshelf at like 5pm and the deposit wasn't ready for me to do last night at work, so I just stayed home moving furniture around in my living room and Spare Oom until I decided my neighbors downstairs might be hating me just a bit (but not as much as when Nancy lived downstairs on days I was practicing for performances with my Irish hard shoe dance group,  lol) so I decided to stop moving furniture at like 10pm and do quieter organizing things driving me batty instead.  

I think I mentioned my OCD is pretty triggered right now so it's overpowering the ADHD executive dysfunction so that other than when I'm sleeping I'm having a hard time holding still instead of deep cleaning/reorganizing everything right now.   My OCD is fairly latent most of the time so I can control it, visible/tactile grime always triggers it more than clutter, but when I cross a certain threshold of stress it creeps up on me takes over.  Whenever there are things bothering me that I see no way for me to do anything to make better, my OCD starts to escape me as a need to control what is within my power.... The more things stressing me out that matter to me but that I can't do anything to alter, the more likely you are to come hime to me scrubbing the baseboards in a rented apartment and weird things like that.... It also always manifests as random anxieties such as "did I lock something or am I just remembering all the previous times I locked it?" even though I always lock it, anxiey that can only be allayed by me double checking the door. Anyway,  right now my OCD is not latent,  it's pretty bad... And so I have a lot of things currently tweaking it out I need to tidy up around my flat. 

Luckily,  only my phone can distract me, I can't even focus on reading more than a chapter at a time right now.... (the only internet at home is on my phone as I have spent over a decade refusing to pay a cent of my money to Charter after they angered me. They jacked up prices without notification/warning so I asked them to cancel, they scheduled a guy to come out who never did to pick up their cable modem,  I called back end of day,  they apologized profusely rescheduled for someone  to come back first thing the next week (which he did) - then tried to charge me for a month of internet for the 4 days I had their cable modem not hooked up and no internet because their guy never showed. I know they behave this way to everyone, but I was furious at the injustice ethics issues of it. So furious I vowed never to give them another cent of my money ever. And I've kept that vow. For like 12 years now.  I could get TDS fiber optic for like $40/month now,  but I've grown accustomed to me mediating internet in my life and like not having the constant distraction - it's like oreos and other junk food in that I lack self control when I have them in the house but I don't miss it when I don't have it.  So I choose not to waste money on it - gives me more time for reading,  writing,  sketching,  painting, and other hobbies without wasting hours online. At this point, I only ever intend to get internet in my home for the sake of other people I might live with who want/need it. I have a laptop with all my purchased music and a DVDRW, a flat screen TV with hdmi cable, and dvds/blurays. I do watch streaming sports games and on demand tv and international news and use spotify at work while inputting/filing working late nights no other employees but me and my dog, but at home I'm happy without it.  Saves me tons of money and time, tbh.)

Anyway,  all day long I've been thinking that maybe the best thing for me to do is to release him of all promises he has made in past lives to free him to pursue what it is he desires and chooses for his happiness this life.  Things are just too toxic and unhealed and he has shown no active desires to make any choices that would lead to cleaning up the mess that has been made or working toward healing things.  Instead,  his consistent choices show that he sees nothing wrong in the toxicity created in the name of the band or in him taking an active weekly role in the bullying system of exclusion created in the band's name since at least October 2018. 

He's free to make such choices, but he's not free from the consequences of those choices.... And I want nothing to do with anyone who will justify and rationalize deliberate acts of cruelty and bullying by ostracism. The last time I listened to any music from the band was when youtube auto generated me a playlist which was mostly their songs and I was confused and curious about that.  I don't have any desire at this point to listen to any of their songs or to attend any shows of theirs or to buy anything they're selling - they destroyed that by blocking fans (for honesty that the country music would affect going to future concerts) from the band Instagram account then telling people to find them on Instagram and going live on the Instagram account while gaslighting every attempt to even talk to them about why that is wrong and unfair of them EVEN AFTER they were independent no longer on the country label.  This is cause and effect about those choices and not a damn thing else - but don't expect to find me at any future shows or anything the band does online.  This is an ethics issue and no creating a finsta account to work around the ostracism they created could undo the ethics issues of the band's choices that make them hypocrites about what they always said they stood for.  You can acknowledge the ethics violation issue choose to fix it or you can be dead to my affection from thenceforth - there's no in between. 

So anyway,  given all these things and given his personal choices since August 2019 (and then all throughout the pandemic) that he would go live on the band's Instagram account while ghosting all attempts to communicate to him why it was a problem,  I'm thinking the kindest thing I can do for him is release him of all the past life promises between our souls.  It'll take time to fray through the bond that way by untying the strands that it's made of one by one.  And I don't know what to do with my side of the promises - I can't release me from them as they were made to another, only he can or if the terms are broken.  And even if I do that,  I can't say he'll WANT to be released from the promises he's made, if he holds himself bound by them then I can't free him of those bonds to me....  

Still.  I can start with what's in my power.  And that's to release him of his past promises and ties to me, deciding that I'll not hold him to those, so he can go do whatever he chooses for himself this life. 

That's what I spent all day Weds considering.  I should probably get my OCD under control make sure this isn't just a need fo tidy up combined with my frustration over the results of his choices in recent years and how they make me feel cornered every week on Weds.....  This also may not be anything he wants - or maybe he'd rather I did it so he can be emotionally free to pursue whatever skinny model flavor of the day he wants to be chasing on dating apps or whatever.  

But it's what I'm thinking I ought to do right now,  start releasing him from his past life promises so he can truly pursue whatever happiness he chooses for himself without being pulled by old promises his soul made that don't fit his life or his ethics or his choices this time around. 

Of course that doesn't get me any damn thing I want.  And it most certainly doesn't bring us toward healing or reunion.  But it would allow him to do whatever he wants (which he has been anyway) without me having to pay the consequences over his callous indifference about when his actions/choices include intentional cruelty toward others.  If he won't free will choose to be a better man and demand more from himself, I don't see why I should be forced to hurt and suffer for what he does and allows to be done in his name...  

So no,  it doesn't get me any damn thing I want, but it would help bring me peace and closure over the consequences of free will choices that are not mine to make. it provides a space for change and growth, even if not toward what I most truly desire, rather than the stagnancy and toxicity that's been breeding since the choices of October 2018. And it gives him more freedom to follow his own heart's choices rather than tied by his soul's past choices.