I had terrible migraine predrome Thursday morning, all day Friday and postdrome Saturday until 3ish -- and something in my Chinese food DEFINITELY triggered/worsened my weather/hormones mix migraine. And the thing is, if I don't completely baby my migraines (I'm light and motion sensitive while in the midst of migraines) I KNOW that they take longer to pass but then I wanted to spend time with my family I rarely get to see so instead of babying me by sleeping (which I couldn't sleep to heal because every time my thighs touched anything but the sheets laying on them it was hell so if I rolled over or moved in my sleep) until all pain/aura/dizziness passed, I kept trying to push me with pain meds to be semi-functional since I couldn't sleep deep enough to heal anyway and then I'd at least get to see family some each day. The only thing with it is, by doing that, I was only semi-functionally energetic and it took longer with more relapses....Also, often when I visit them I'll push through a short time morning/evening/night of migraine but sleep during the day and since they drive it's less of a big deal if I'm aura and/or dizzy/fainting spells -- but if I'm driving me places, I can't be aura or syncope at all or it's unsafe.  So that happened since my last post....

But, i still met them last night at Wisconsin Brewing Co for beers and live music and then dinner. Dinner was... unnecessarily stressful.... Basically, we stayed too long sitting by the water in the shade drinking beer and didn't get pizza from next door as my dad had hoped grandma could join us for dinner. So, the thing is that in Madison, because so much of the year it's impossible to sit outside to eat, during patio friendly weather demand is so high that you can only do reservations for inside and outside is first come first serve. And restaurants are all packed in Madison, we have more restaurants per capita than anywhere else in the world and if your goal is brunch or dinner on weekends during normal hours, you're 1-2 hours wait without a reservation. from like 9am-1pm and from 5pm-8pm.  So knowing this, I headed straight to the restaurant with my mum to get the waiting moving along while my sister's family stopped by their hotel and my da went to get my grandma. We first put our name in at Ancho & Agave for outdoor seating but a party of 8 is a big party and it was "an hour and a half to 2 hours -- but really whenever the table of 8 that's been here just over an hour leaves" so my sister was getting angry and frustrated and she was projecting her own hanger onto "the kids can't wait that long to eat, they'll get squirrelly and tantrumy" but it was really my sister wanted an immediate solution not the kids being close to meltdowns.  So, next door to Ancho & Agave is Biaggi's, an Italian restaurant,which does have outdoor seating (also first come first serve) but couldn't do a table of 8 due to spacing/server areas/the tables are falling apart when moved around. BUT, they thought they could get us to two nearby-ish tables of 4. So my sister insisted we choose the Italian restaurant (my da doesn't like pasta. or rice dishes -- but he likes sushi. Just not rice except in sushi. But he doesn't like any pastas) AND she insisted that it made the most sense to have the 4 of them sit together at one table and my parents and me and my grandma at the other table. Which, for the sake of the bill made sense, but my mum got wounded bird hurt about her suggestion of putting one parent with a kid at each table and splitting up the grandparent and aunt/great-grandma across the tables to get more time with the littles. BUT, my mum projected her own anger/hurt not getting what she wanted onto my grandma would be upset. (Spoiler alert: grandma had fallen asleep by the time my da got there so she never even joined us...)  And while my mum was saying that and very clearly upset about it, my sister (who IS an empath receiver though she denies that exists) noticed my mum's mood (which i was the only one at the table couldn't spin her out of it especially as she was facing them) and my sister came over to talk about it with us but was condescending talking down trying to rationalize why her decision was the right one and that if we were going to be that upset and stare at them pouting "we" should have said something (my back was to their table, but whatever) and my mum told her, "don't walk to me like I'm five!" and then my sister went back after telling us it's hard to believe we weren't even talking about her (we weren't when she came over, I was trying to distract my mum with discussing the flowers and bees right next to me after trying to distract her with menu related options of conversation) but my sister INSISTED we'd been saying her name talking about her which is why she came over. And like, their food had arrived before my da even showed up (sans grandma) and he walked into the middle of the tension and anger (on his behalf and my grandma's, but actually my mum still being hurt/angry/upset) and he and I did our best. But it was awkward and awful and finally my mum came off it when she noticed my sister hadn't drunk any of her food or touched her sangria. And then my mum started rationalizing that the patio tables at the Mexican were too close together and as she unbended, I smiled at Miche and Monroe on their way back from the two year old's potty break and smoothed things over and invited them to sit with us after they'd finished eating closed out. And THEN my sister ate after it got smoothed over.  But I tell ya, a Virgo sun sister and a Scorpio sun mom and a Capricorn sun dad is a lot for even a Libra  sun Pisces rising to balance and spin bright sometimes.... 

My "favorite" story of that was when my sister and I were in high school and my cousin whose family had just moved down to Orlando area was in middle school and my cousin had come to Epcot with us. And my sister was absolutely stubbornly ADAMANT that my cousin and I were joking and laughing about her discluding her. We weren't, it was pure inanity and silliness (that cousin is a Pisces sun Libra rising and I'm a Libra sun Pisces rising -- it's a lot of goofiness when we're both in good moods) and when we tried to include my sister she thought we were mocking her. But like, literally, my cousin and I have this standing joke that when we get too silly, we need to "drink a cup of tea" before we get yelled at by the adults and it literally goes back to a time she was visiting when i was like 12 and she was like 7 and we were getting squirrelly so I primly said to her, "Cuppa tea?" and started pouring invisible tea into invisible cups/saucers and then sipping mine and when she didn't have her pinky up chiding her, "Pinky up dear. Pinky up. How will anyone ever know you're drinking tea if you don't keep your pinky up and elbows in?" and then later in the dinner simply miming it at her and making her laugh so hard she had chocolate milk come out her nose. And so ever since then, we've had this standing joke of saying "cuppa tea?" to mean "chill the fuck out now" but actually just starts us giggling and to this day she cna make me crack up from across the room by pantomiming a sipping from an invisible cup of tea at me and vice versa. So literally, that day at Epcot when my sister insisted we were mocking her, after my mum told us to include her, we TRIED to offer her invisible cups of eta to join us in our hilarity and joking about needing to buy some tea in England to calm us down but my sister thought we were making fun of her with trying to include her... And so she went to mey mum in TEARS over it sobbing over it insisting we'd been making fun of her and using her name and my mum ordered us to apologize and we both insisted we hadn't been laughing at her, just drinking invisible tea and we'd invited her to join us and then she went off sobbing that we were making fun of her and we couldn't apologize for something we never did but we were sorry she felt excluded and would she like a cup of tea with us?! And my mother didn't believe my cousin and I, told us we were done with world showcase, couldn't do any more rides, and had to go sit in front of US Hall and wait for them there on timeout and my cousin and I had a great time entertaining ourselves by the lagoon sitting and waiting on them, but I've hated the USA area of Epcot ever since as it reminds me of a burning sense of injustice... USA Pavilion remains my least favorite place in all of Disney World to this day as a result of that memory.  But my sister STILL insists we were making fun of her by name whereas my cousin and I remember it as one of the most unjust things either of us ever had to endure at Disney but we had a good time of it anyway even if we were on undeserved time out from rides and shows and characters and no money for foods/drinks. 

Anyway, what I'm saying is that when my sister is upset or thinks people are excluded/excluding her or thinks people are upset with her, she assumes that all conversations, pleasant or unpleasant, between the people she's emotionally at odds with is directly about her. And there's no convincing her otherwise when she's in that head space that you're talking about her... So that lade last night unnecessarily unpleasant, though we patched things up best as possible when they rejoined us at our table later) 

Today was a brilliant perfect day though!!!!!

I woke up for sunrise (which was a gorgeous one!)  Then I took my dog for a 2.5 hour morning walk, then quick breakfast of coffee and over easy eggs and slow morning changing and getting ready to head out. Then the dog and I came into work for a bit before I put Billy Joel on for her babysitter before heading to Olbrich Gardens to meet my sister, brother-in-law, neblings, parents, and grandma.  And we had a lovely (albeit slow at my grandma's walker pace) circling to visit the Thai pavilion then the rest of the way around the main walk. (the various gardens themselves are off the main walk are too uneven for my grandma to walk at this point, so we didn't really see them -- but the outdoor gardens at Olbrich botanical gardens are free.)  And then we all went to Buck & Honey for late lunch and drinks before parting ways -- my sister's crew to swim in the hotel pool, my parents to take my grandma home since she was exhausted, and me to get coffee (whole bean for at home and an afternoon cup of Dark Sumatran.)  Then I returned to my dog at the computer store and Billy Joel.  I changed into my painting clothes and did one last tie-dye (black and hot pink spiral) on a stained cami with the two remaining half-filled bottles of dye from when my sister decided on Thurs night to re-dye her two things she was most excited about dying that didn't turn out how she wanted. (Luckily, she likes the re-dyes better! She was waffling and i told her, "Look, if you're unhappy enough with them now that you won't like wearing them and will always change,out of them, then you can't make them worse with re-dying. Don't re-dye for tiny tweaks of 'I wish' as you'll likely eff up what you loved about it, but if you think it's unwearable for you as is, then you lose nothing by attempting a re-dye.")  

And after I dyed the cami that will be last of our tie-dyes from this visit, I started the process of watering my outdoor pots/planters/flower bed.  And then I realized, seeing the splatter of black dye on my feet and splashed across my hands, my heart did an absolute somersault inside me realizing just how desperately I have missed spending the vast majority of my days with my hands covered in graphite, ink, and various types of paints/markers. I spent most of my childhood dancing, drawing, writing, and gardening/science-ing.... Those are really the things that I love most.  After I was told that I'm too tall to be a prima ballerina given I'd be taller than male dancers in pointe shoes and that there was no way I could be a healthy weight under 125lbs given as tall as I already was in the 3rd grade (I was a lanky gangly coltish beanpole puppy with huge hands and feet throughout my childhood -- I've been the same height since the 5th grade) I gave up on being a professional dancer. And then I decided that what i wanted to be was an animator and I spent all my time sketching and painting, attended a Disney animation camp in middle school (yes that's a thing they used to have, with actual animators) until I found out that I'd have to have a degree from SCAD (which I was accepted to on academic scholarship -- academically smart kids don't go to art schools, not even the Harvard of art schools) the amount of time I'd have to spend as an in betweener making a salary barely minimum wage for 8-15 years living in L.A. or Orlando before I could even get to do any sort of character work or design work. So then I shifted my focus to the sciences and pre-med because I like understanding the ways things work and I like healing people and and animals and plants. And then I decided in college that the things I love about the scientific method and healing were all the things that modern American medical insurance system wouldn't allow me to do. So then i said, "Fine fuck it. Clearly nothing I choose is the right path for me. I'll just wander as a hand of Fate to cleanse and heal whatever I find until the right path finds me." And I've just been wandering my life without any goals or longterm plans as the wind blows me ever since....

Anyway. Where I was going with that. My hands and my feet covered in dye like ink speckles made my heart do a somersault over missing the place my love of making art used to have in my life but which my ADHD time management hasn't made room for in my life in the last several years. So I decided it was stupid of me to miss something I love so dearly just because I didn't make time for it -- it's stupid not to make time for things you genuinely love. So I decided it was time to fucking change that and put art time right back in the center of my life again. So I told Mikaela that I know I have to help my grandma with appointments and her grandparent's visit is start of August AND she has all her French homework to finish up AND she bought me one of her favorite books for me to read with her but I asked her how she felt about for the rest of the summer setting our Tuesday/Thursdays as art days and our Mon/Weds/Fri as homework/writing/reading days (I've been neglecting my real writing as well) for the rest of the summer until school starts again for her.  And she was super excited for the plan!!! I also told her we're allowed to go to the woods or gardens or the zoo on art days so long as we sketch wherever we go adventuring.  Which made her even more excited. We'll see how well we stick to it, lol. But for now we're both excited for our art/writing/French homework plan to get things done.

then around 7:30ish, I'd brought in the water after the plants at the exact time that the kids were done at the pool and snacking in the room. And we decided nobody was dinner hungry given how late we ate lunch and that we'd just go have ice cream for dinner. (the kids had coupons for free ice cream scoops from Chocolate Shoppe for searching for pollinators in the botanical gardens.  It's only for kids though, the pollinator search earning you free ice cream.  So the rest of us had to pay for our ice creams, lol.)  And after ice cream for dinner watching the firesmoke sunset (fire smoke from the Canada wildfires in the upper altitudes here) and glorious gibbous moon then we went to a playground for the kids to burn off their jet fuel til dusk settled in with the fireflies and the mosquitoes started biting ferociously.  And then I came back into work and my dog and Billy Joel. And I'm still here. 

Tomorrow's family plans are: let the kids swim in the hotel pool til checkout --> family lunch --> hangout --> then they have to return their rental car by 2:30 and then to the airport for their flight. And then I'll head to work and to garden or hang out with Mikaela if she comes in with her mom.

Also, my nephew and niece were super excited when they saw me in the gardens and said, "DANI! You look like Tinkerbell! But with dark hair that looks like fire in the sun and a red dress!" They'd never seen me with my hair up in a ballerina bun before today. (I didn't want to brush my hair after my long walk with the dog, so I just put it up in a bun with some bobby pins and stuck some color changing plumeria barrettes around the bun.  And then I went with the red and white dress instead of a darker colored dress as I like to wear bright cheerful outfits for my grandma, they make her happy like flowers do AND the bright colors are easier for her to follow with her glaucoma. So today I got to be "Aunt Dani-Belle!" and they kept asking me to sprinkle them with pixie dust (during which I'd tickle them and make magic sound effects) and then they'd go galloping off pretending they could fly, lol. 

The only thing with it is, unlike the actual Tinker Bell, I really don't have much of an ass at all, even when I work really hard at toning it... Ridiculous boobs on a tiny ribcage and hips, but no ass. so trying to get the classic Tinkerbelle pose is way less effective than I might wish...

Also, please don't judge me too harshly body type wise -- I'm as overweight and jiggly as I've ever been in all my life. Definitely have a bit of a tummy and love handles and can't fit into any of my size 2 pants/skirts/dresses (only my size 4s) and I'm feeling more than a little self-conscious about it and not loving all my clothes I own right now. (I don't own a scale though. On principle. I've known and cared about too many people who fell into eating disorders over the fluctuating numbers on a scale -- dance background and theatre just for fun.) So you see, I don't actually do much exercising unless it's things I enjoy -- dancing, yoga, fencing, martial arts, gardening, hiking, bouldering, rock climbing, canoeing, ice skating on ponds, snow shoeing/snow hiking, etc. (I actually do enjoy weight lifting, but not by myself -- and I only like running on wet sand beaches. Cement and treadmills cause my knees to lock up/give out after about half a mile in proper shoes, rack/field track rubber gives me headaches from the off-gassing, and people hate it when you run on their grass.  So soft wet sand on a shoreline is my favorite, but without living near an ocean or massive lake, it's not really feasible.) I've not been doing much dance or yoga other than occasional drills/barre routines since covid started, it's just not the same when not in person and in person isn't REALLY safe when I spend as much time as I do with my grandma who's 84, a 16 year old who couldn't get fully vaccinated til mid-June, then my neblings visit, and the new info on delta variant as it's coming out...I don't take care of myself in the pandemic, I take care of myself for the sake of people I love who are at risk and/or can't yet be vaccinated. And then, all my outdoor activities (including walking the dog at the ponds) got over-crowded by people who didn't used to outdoors but were now crowding all the places I like best to outdoors. My favorite thing about reopening isn't the potential return of concerts, it's the reduction in crowds in all my favorite outdoors spaces and haunts -- I've hated them so crowded and peopley!!

Also also. I'm not sunburned, you're sunburned. That's totally not a sunburn line across my boobs..... That's um, just skin that was in the sun after the sunscreen wore off and you failed to reapply it before it returns to alabaster pale -- aka my normal summer skin... My arms/face may look tanned compare to my boobs, but they're still red (under the bluish color of the zinc oxide sunscreen) and cheese grater against my skin raw to the touch painful and haven't peeled yet -- once they peel they'll go back to pale af. The redhead gene fair-skinned members of my family (my father, me, my sister, my cousins Teddy and Maddie, and my niece Monroe) burn so easily that we're not sunburned until our skin is redder than the shade of red we're wearing. (O this is definitely a 3 day sunburn and my arms/thighs are still not fully healed from the Tuesday 3 hours boating sunburn.)