I had a really wonderful Valentine's Day! Nothing romantic, just... a lot of love from my bitches.  the closest to anything romantic was Dave spending all day posting cute valentines on the band accounts and on his personal one dropping reminders and statements about him being single and how his dog back home at his parents' house in Galway is his forever valentine, lol. All of which was super adorable made me go, "awwww!"

My dog was extra snuggly all day long, literally more than anything else in the world she just wanted to curl up with me and snuggle. ALL day!!!  (and she's sooooo excited and happy for her new Bucks jersey my mam ordered for her to replace her Packers jersey which I take from her as soon as we're done for the season and it will make people sad instead of happy. Pup was refusing to wear her Badgers jersey after the game we lost to the 49ers, and I genuinely think it was because the red jerseys are the ones we lost to and she won't be a traitor to the Pack, so my mum thought that getting her one for a team that is also a similar shade of green, but still a Sconnie team would please her. My dog is so ridiculously happy and proud with her new Bucks jersey!!!!  She was more excited for it than for her latest BarkBox that came in earlier this week, lol.)

Also, when I got in late last night from work, there was a box of chocolate covered oreos on the counter with my name on it (literally) from Alana (who's still staying in Spare Oom.)  Yesterday, she celebrated Galentine's Day with her sister Augusta and bff Maddie since all 3 had off work and so they met in Baraboo and treated themselves to Galentine's Day chocolates and decided to get me the box of chocolate covered oreos. And it was super sweet made me smile!!! And while I have so far eaten 3 of the 9, I gave 2 to Mikaela (who was super excited for them) and 2 to my da who didn't know what they were just popped one whole in his mouth when I offered him from the box and then his eyes lit up over it.

Mikaela was off school today, so her mom dropped her off after a neurology appointment and since her afternoon pt appointment was canceled that i was going to take her to, Mikaela suggested a fire. I told her I was out of firewood so we'd need to get some but that it sounded wonderful. So she and her mom stopped and got a $5 cord of wood! As well as doughnuts from Greenbush Bakery for breakfast! So we had donuts and coffee, then laid a fire and drank tea while curled up near the fire reading. then ordered Tai's for lunch (Mikaela's favorite Chinese food) and i was able to bring some food into the office for her mom and my parents.)   And then after lunch, as the last of the fire was burning down, we both were lazy sleepy and wanted a nap and my cat Spock was curled up all cute in the bed so we decided to go invade and had a snuggle party with the fur babies and interchanged napping and reading for the rest of the afternoon. (I have a queen size bed. And yes Mikaela is 14 years old, but she's always been a hugger and a cuddler as a primary love language -- especially with her mother and with me as her older sister/cousin not related to her..)

Then I came into work and Crissy had dropped off cupcakes she'd baked the night before and brought into work. (Raspberry chocolate stout cupcakes and lemon chambord cupcakes.)  And Iopened a bottle of champagne (technically blanc de blanc) that I had put in the fridge at lunch and shared it with my mum, Sarah, Karissa (who was still here) and a small 14 year old sized pour for Mikaela. (In Wisconsin, while you're under 18, it's legal to drink alcohol so long as you're with your parent, spouse, or legal guardian and have their permission. Between 18 and 21, you can't, but under 18 you can.)   I also gave my dad some bubbly, though it was far too dry for him so mixed it with his black cherry soda like a kir royal, lol. So we had champagne and cupcakes and chocolate covered oreos together.

And then I've been at work hanging out with my dog since then. (Will be coming into work tomorrow as well.)  Sunday I have plans for symphony tickets, and maybe some figure skating with mom. O, and I get to head to Seattle on Tuesday to spend two weeks with my sister and brother-in-law and nephew and niece!!!!!  (although I am being stolen twice to go to Port Angeles and Sequim with Cath then Portland with Nancy to see We Banjo 3. And I may be stolen by We Banjo 3 to join them at the Bellevue Wintergrass festival which happens to be while I'm in Kirkland.... But I don't have a car so didn't commit to festival tickets and we've been dropping hints on both sides but I hate asking musicians to take time out of their schedules on performance days to come get me or drop me off or even just spend time with me unless that's a part of what they want/need for their own sake.....)  And then I get back and immediately there's two Socks in the Frying Pan shows, Choir of Man tickets with the family, then about half a dozen We Banjo 3 dates right near me, then some Aoife O'Donovan shows, then to St. Louis for a weekend for the last date on WB3's Rise and Shine tour, and then a whole bunch of Aoife Scott tour dates AND the Coronas AND East Pointers just announced they're touring back this way and have a lot of driveably close shows for us in early June!!!!!! So basically, all my Irish friends (and also Prince Edward Islanders) are showering their love on me in March, lol.

So yeah. Busy busy busy (though not while in Seattle/Kirkland other than right at the start) but just a big happy puppy love fest!!!

Like I said, other than Dave's hinting about crushes and constant, "I'm very much single not in a relationship right now" today there was nothing romantic but I just felt very loved and surrounded by love and giving love to the people in my life who mean a lot to me.


~*~*~*~*~

Also, I listened to From Woman To Another today... I ate first to make sure I wasn't hangry irritable so intentionally fault finding then listened to it three times (with a long gap in between the second and third listen during which I watched Sunday's Doctor Who episode followed by eating one of the cupcakes from Crissy) to make sure that my reactions were stable not just knee jerk first reaction.

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And genuinely, there's musically nothing I like about it except the electric guitar intro at the start and the piano with horns at the bridge. Those are both beautiful and the promise of a bluesy jam at the start made the song itself even more of a letdown, tbh.  The vocals are just -- there's nothing good to say about them other than they're completely predictable nothing special, and then the songwriting is just really not great at all. It's a filler song, like you saw in the 80s and 90s to fill out an album with mediocrity that the artist didn't hate but everybody knew to be a throw away song meant to just fill out the number of tracks between the songs you hope make radio. And that's not a thing you do in the modern age with track by track downloads..... Honestly, there's nothing particularly above the mediocre forgettable in the melody or the lyrics and if anyone had asked my opinion, I'd have said that the song lacks power, passion, or pathos and without one of those 3 it's quite simply flat like drinking champagne you opened and left out overnight......

Genuinely, it's a song that I will always skip and never willingly choose to listen to and no instrumental layers or vocal gymnastics or production choices could save it from its own mediocrity -- the problems are in the song itself and its desire to be a cheap redux of Carrie Underwood but without any hook in the chorus. This isn't about who wrote it, it's about the song itself and what it wants to be but doesn't achieve because it's not real or authentic it's just trying to fit in be something it ain't. If you can't use your music to express something real in a way that is authentic to you, then you're never going to write a song with power and a hook because there's no soul light coming through the mask of it... And this song ain't nothing but a cerebral idea and a mask of trying to pretend to be something you aren't to fit in.....

If I had any expectations left based on how great their previous songs have been in the past, I'd be disappointed at this... But I've moved to an inner point of objective observation, with no expectations for good or bad from them, just a desire to see what is because the love I have for the music they have made in the past deserves I see this through.

To be clear,  following Britt's behavior in Oct 2018 on the band account, which was her third rejection attack at me and the help I offered to her to come back to the Goddess,  I cut the karmic cord between us.  And the Goddess burnt out any attachment points the night she warned me that Britt had gone too far and was not welcome back to the Goddess and I could not intercede for her in the future.  Since then,  I look at Britt and I feel no connection whatsoever and I feel nothing at all in response to any song she sings lead.

Those are the consequences of Britt's choices and actions that precipitated all of this.  She has exiled herself from The Goddess and her Goddess given magic was stripped from her forever (she still has her dark vengeance seeking magics she learned elsewhere,  but she has nothing of the light or Goddess given gifts any longer) and all karmic ties between her and me were cut.  She is free now to pursue whatever path she chooses,  any path except ones that lead to the Goddess or me.  The Goddess does not trust Britt as a result of Britt's behaviors toward me and Britt's choices and actions since October 2018....

The consequences of Eric's actions and choices are that he disappointed me and shattered my trust in him due to the choices he made and the actions he chose in late August 2019. The bond is still there,  it's not a cord to easily cut, but I don't trust him not to knowingly choose to hurt me.  I can't let him in now because I can't trust he won't use that to choose to hurt me.  And when I look at him or hear his voice now,  I expect hurt and pain from him,  I don't expect good. And that is new since August 2019 - it's a direct result of his choices and actions in caving to the peer pressure from Britt and Jessie.....  And it's not something that will heal on its own.  It's not something that gifts of pretty things he creates can make better.... It's what he taught me I should expect from him - and only his conscious choices and actions to be better could teach me something different about him....and if he wants that,  I'm going to STRONGLY suggest not listening to anything Britt or Jessie might tell him or advise him - regardless their intentions, they'll only betray him and make things worse with me for him.  Nothing they're involved in will help him heal this if he wants to fix what he broke.  They don't know me and following their advice will make me trust Eric less than I have since late August....

And those consequences of the choices and actions made by Britt and then Eric are about them and their ethics and the sort of persons they choose to be.  Dave has nothing to do with those choices or the consequences of those actions. He just happens to be in my life at the right time and place to benefit from the closing of one door opening another.....

But I'd still react to Britt and Eric's actions and choices the exact same way if there was nobody in my options.  Their choices they have made and acted on are the problem. And that has nothing to do with anyone else's choices.

That last came out sounding more accusatory than I intended it...  I don't blame Eric,  how can you punish or be upset with someone for failing a lesson they haven't yet learned?  Still.  I know it must feel like an accusation,  someone you love in the only way you know how to love saying you don't really love them,  or at least you don't love them the way they need to be loved.... Nobody could hear that without it hurting.  And not just a little sting,  but a big hole inside you rejection denial of what you feel so deeply in your own heart of hearts.....

And I'm sorry for that hurt.  I didn't mean to do that.  I didn't mean it as an accusation.....

It's just how things are now.  It's what we have to work with now.... I could lie about it.  But even if a lie made it short term hurt less,  it would make it hurt worse long-term.  After all, lying to myself or you wouldn't help fix anything or change what we have to work with now.

I genuinely don't want to be worshipped, I genuinely wish to be loved for me qua me....  And maybe to anyone who's never been idolized that seems a smaller love than having someone put you on a pedestal,  but it isn't. For me it's so much bigger a love.  It's a love that sees beyond the incandescent glamour on the surface, sees into the truth - and loves even the most annoyingly impossible most everyday mundane frustratingly stubborn stupid things about that truth.  It's a love that sees you clearly and loves all of everything that you are - even the mess and contradictions and trying to be better than you have been.

I need to be loved by someone who will love me qua me,  just as I am.

And.  My nature is such that intentional cruelty or knowingly taking part in meaningless hurt to another is a deal breaker.  It's an ethical line of right and wrong for the unfolding of the Creation that I cannot bend on.  Injustice and bullying and intentionally acting in ways you KNOW are designed to hurt another part of the Creation is an ethics issue for me.  It's a sickness in your soul to either desire to bully and hurt another or to rationalize allowing or taking part in someone else's acts of bullying and intentional cruelty.  It's a wrong so wrong that when you witness or are made aware of it,  your silence is complicity that the cruelty and injustice is an acceptable way to treat people.

Caving to peer pressure to make your acts of cruelty "acceptable" is something I can never support,  never condone.  Not from anyone.  Ever.

Selling out your ethics to peer pressure is worse than never having a sense of right versus wrong at all.  To knowingly do wrong is far worse than a wrong committed in ignorance.....

And until Eric learns this lesson,  no amount of loving what I love about him can make me accept him without calling him out as a bully and tool of the manipulative bullying of others.  Not while he is so easily pressured into acts of knowingly being hurtful.  I cannot be bent into complicity by condoning it,  not in anyone.

And knowing that about him,  how could I ever trust him not to hurt me or hurt others I love while he is malleable and justifies cruelty this way?  How could I ever forgive myself if I know this about him and yet allow him access to hurt people I care about?  People who will build their trust he wouldn't hurt them on their trust in me?  How can I do that,  knowingly betray their trust when I know of this flaw and unlearned lesson in him?  How is betraying their trust in me any different than if I committed the act of cruelty/bullying myself? It isn't.  It's still a betrayal,  still me being complicit in the cruelty and bullying he chooses to justify his participation in. And I won't do that.... It means I can't trust him not to knowingly do wrong, him knowingly justifying his acts of bullying and cruelty and injustice.

At a very basic level, now I can't even trust that he wouldn't knowingly hurt me if peer pressure told him it was okay and he should.

And what sort of healthy love can you hope to build if you can't even have the most basic foundation of trust?

This is what I've been coming to terms with since August about who and what he chose to be when he decided to go live on the band instagram account while ignoring and gaslighting the very real act of ostracism and bullying in his actions by doing it on that platform after being informed that it was unfair and fans had been blocked there for being honest.

That's what all he shattered in me by HIS choices and HIS actions. And it doesn't matter to me what pressure tactics were used,  what excuses anyone used to rationalize and convince him down that path - the actions and choices were still his.  It's trust in him, whether he can be trusted not to knowingly do wrong and hurt people or take part in acts of injustice and ostracism,  that he broke by his actions.

And nobody can even begin to heal that or repair it but Eric himself....  And he can't do that without acknowledging the wrongs he did,  trying to make it right,  and then trying to prove that it was a mistake he's not going to repeat.....

And he hasn't done any of that.

So he hasn't repaired ANY of the trust or faith in him his choices broke.  He has only made it worse by gaslighting the problem in his refusal to even acknowledge it and in every minor petty way he has committed ANY act of ostracism on the band account or by sharing content from the band account.  He has made it perfectly clear that he sees nothing wrong with being a bully, acts of intentional cruelty,  and perpetuating systems of inequality created in his name.

I have no trust or faith in him. I haven't since the end of August.  He has trained me now to expect cruelty from him, and to accept that he doesn't care about the hurt his actions cause. And that's something he taught me,  by his choices and his actions.  However he has justified those actions and justified perpetuating the system of ostracism and gaslighting by ignoring any attempt to bring it up.... No matter the social pressure tactics and manipulation used,  he still chose to give in go along with it. He's the one who shattered my trust in him.

And nobody can even begin to heal or repair that but him. By taking responsibility for his own choices and actions, and by choosing not to do things that are wrong,  that intentionally hurt others.

That's not accusatory.  It's just the facts of how we got to here,  the facts of cause and effect..... The facts of what is beyond me or anyone else fixing for him....

I was thinking about it across the full moon.  And, I do think this is in many ways my fault.I asked for too much, before Eric had learned the lesson he needs to learn before we can be good together....  I'm the one who assumed that us not crossing paths for so many lives meant that he no longer wanted me.  I'm the one who chose last life to splash my life as huge as possible so nobody could miss it,  so that if he wanted to find me,  he couldn't miss me.  And I'm the one who chose to ask for this reward life that 1) I live it always surrounded by the love of people I love 2) any soul seeking me be able to find me and 3) as long as those first 2 conditions were met I'd like to grow old because I haven't in such a very very long time.

I did all those things because somewhere in the 18th century I got impatient and had believed he no longer wanted me. I was smart enough not to ask specifically for Eric in this life, the Universe will always teach you a lesson when you ask it for specific gifts that aren't in their proper time,  but I setup my criteria knowing he'd find me with a window opened like that. And then i waited.  And he did - but he's still not ready,  he still hasn't learned his damn lesson from 600 years ago.... And so he failed because he was tested on it before learning his proper lessons.  And that has hurt us both.

You see,  he spent the 600 years self-flagellating in guilt over having set in motion what led to my death and what I warned him that life would lead to my death.  My death path,  to die a martyr that life,  was inescapable - but feeling guilty about him being the cause of my death didn't need to be his to carry.  I'd have been captured,  questioned,  and burnt no matter who was the one who found me.... I just didn't want him to blame himself for the inevitable.  But he made his choice that he was going to follow the social peer pressures of the time and turn me in to his lord rather than heed my warnings about what it would do to him and how despite whatever promises he insisted on,  he was leading me to my death path.  And when he came to see me to ask my forgiveness before I died,  I was angry at the whole farce of my questioning, and I was not particularly kind to him,  mostly just told him,  "Well what did you expect to happen?  I did try to warn you.... My forgiveness means nothing in this situation." So he spent 600 years of lifetimes blaming himself for that death instead of learning the lesson to trust his own conscience and to take responsibility for how the consequences of his choices hurt other people rather than deferring to peer pressure and social pressures to make his choices. And he STILL hasn't learned that lesson.....

And so we both got hurt (again) because I pushed too soon to have him back in my lives thinking he didn't want me and from Eric failing being tested on the life lesson he was supposed to learn but still hadn't.

But he still hasn't even tried to learn that lesson,  he's still avoiding it.  And until he learns it,  he will ALWAYS cave to external pressure and he will ALWAYS hurt those he loves most because he refuses to acknowledge the consequences of his actions - and that's how it will be with him until he learns this lesson he's avoiding.

And for me.... Desiring me and worshipping me isn't what I want,  it's not loving me.  I've been worshipped across so many lifetimes,  as a queen, as an empress, as a priestess, as a goddess on earth,  as a martyr,  as a warrior heroine,  as an artist/writer,  as a star.... I shine brightly enough to dazzle anyone into following me and carry the avenging fire of Creation inside me as my raison d'être for incarnating at all,  because there were evils to be fought in the creation and I stepped up said,  "if not me,  then who?" So worship is easy,  far easier than attempting to protect me or keep me from a glorious death in a life where that's my fate.  Worship coupled with desire I know well - and I know it to be hollow, empty, meaningless,  and lonely. Only somebody who has never been worshipped would want it.  And I have been, in many lifetimes and by literally millions of souls.  I'm STILL worshipped by some for my past lives.  But worshipping me is meaningless.   Nobody sees me,  they see the light surrounding me and the object of their adoration. But they don't see ME.  And that's not what I want.  I don't desire to be worshipped,  I wish to be seen for exactly who and what I am, my humanity and my flaws and all,  and I wish to be loved for someone seeing me. I don't want worship,  pedestals are lonely places.  I want someone who can see the power and the weaknesses, the good and the not so good, everything there is in my nature and love me for all of it. Truly love me, not worship me.  The sort of love where you cherish what you love and don't want to hurt it - not because it can't survive the hurts but because when what you love hurts, you are hurt.

I don't want to be worshipped,  I don't want you to try to impress me....  I want to be seen and accepted for everything I am and loved for my isness. 

Which is something Dave as he is now does better than almost anyone else I've ever encountered. He cares intensely about how people hurt and about how his decisions affect other people - sometimes he cares so much about not wanting to hurt someone else he ignores his own wants/needs. It's also something that Eric is incapable of until he learns the lesson he's avoiding.  Because taking responsibility that your choices/actions can hurt another and to know you don't want to hurt them is at the heart of what it is to truly love another part of creation.... And Eric has lost that. He can desire and he can worship,  but as long as he chooses to prioritize peer pressure over listening to his own conscience about how his actions will hurt someone,  Eric can't truly love.... Not the way I need to be loved in this life -  the love that would never intentionally be cruel,  never intentionally hurt the other, and would immediately seek to heal any hurt once you realized you'd accidentally done it.

And the greatest irony of it?  The life in which his part in the path to my death set off such guilt but did not teach him the lesson he needed to learn in Eric?  In that life,  Dave was the arm of the Church and the judge who questioned me and condemned me to burn.  Which is why in my anger I told him he'd not be allowed to move on from that life til he saw he was wrong and he saw me martyred and sainted. Which is why he then spent 250 years or so as a ghost til I found him and released him. But it's ironic,  that he's the one actually ordered my death that life, but now he's the one who learned the karmic lesson he struggled with is now capable of seeing me and loving me the way I need to be loved rather than worshipped.  while Eric spent all those 600 years blaming himself wallowing in guilt but not learning the lesson so he has now failed the same test in a new form..... He still chose peer pressure over his own conscience, over right and wrong,  over taking responsibility for the hurt his actions inflict. And it's why as he is right now, Eric can't love me the way I need to be loved in this incarnation.... But Dave can.

Karma is so exacting and fascinating in the name of ma'at...

For the record.

Just because I can feel inside my own heart all the weight of Eric's hurt and sorrow and disappointment that everything he planned so carefully and has worked so fucking hard on isn't working to sweep me off my feet as he has dreamt it would, doesn't mean it changes anything.  It just means I hurt more about making me let him go and putting the inner bond to sleep.   It doesn't fix anything that's been broken,  it doesn't repair my broken trust that he simply doesn't CARE when his actions cause me pain even when I tell him about it before he sees the intended actions through,  it doesn't stop the bullying that the band is STILL guilty of due to the system of ostracism created on their official Instagram account,  and it certainly doesn't bring me back as a fan or even an admirer of what they're creating after how I've been treated in the name of the band from official band accounts....  Nothing can do that but facing the wrongs done by members of the band in the band's name AND Eric choosing to address his part in what he did to give me tangible reasons to believe that's NOT actually the sort of man he chooses to be.

All it does is break my heart worse over me having to be true to my ethics and follow the only remaining course open to me by his/their refusal to even acknowledge this.

But it changes nothing about what I will do,  because I feel I must with how fixed things are with their mistakes and refusal to admit the wrongs they've done,  let alone fix them,  by Eric and his sister and from official band accounts.  I'm still as certain this is the best path for everyone in light of their choices/actions, and I still intend to pursue moving forward in this life.

Nor does it dampen my excitement to see Dave again in two weeks!  Nor does it lessen how hard Dave's working (and succeeding) at sweeping me off my feet absolutely charming me with the goodness and goofiness and wonder and love in him for me. Letting myself love him knowing I can without fear I'll hurt him before even going into it and the sheer unbridled delight and wonder in him at having his love reciprocated is intensely beautiful and joyous.

It just weighs on my heart and hurts me,  to feel Eric's deep sorrow and pain and disappointment and loss.  This isn't what he wants or ever wanted,  even if it is what he has chosen by his actions.

Once Dave says something direct and finally goes for it,  I won't hesitate or do anything to knowingly break his heart. And that does mean I will use every power at my disposal to put the bond to sleep or at least keep Eric from reaching me via it.  There are no more chances for Eric except 1) facing and fixing what he and his sister broke AND getting the courage to ask me before Dave does or 2) waiting and hoping Dave fucks up somehow with me so Eric will get another opportunity  eventually all while Eric works to repair everything he has broken with me that needs fixing before I can trust him any further with my heart (and honestly,  the chances of Dave letting himself fuck up with me if there's anything he can do to keep that from happening are practically nonexistent. He's VERY focused and determined and more scared of losing me than anything else at this point. Except maybe his fear of asking and me saying no.)

I did find the original film noir of Mildred Pierce. (turns out Daily Motion has TONS of old films up online for free. Who knew? Well, I'm sure people did -- but I didn't know.)  Anyway, I watched it and it wasn't bad, but Joan Crawford wasn't that great an actress (pretty, but not a good actress) and there's a LOT more beautiful nuance in the acting and directorial choices of the HBO remake. If you're a completionist or REALLY love film noir or into film history you can watch it. But the new one is day and night better. Long, but far better.

The framing narrative for the sensors of the 40s is a bit odd and doesn't add much to it.  And like I said, the acting isn't quite as good as the 2011 miniseries. (and the music isn't NEARLY as incredible as the music in the miniseries. The music of the Mildred Pierce miniseries is really beautiful.)

So if you want it, you can go watch it. But you'll be happier if you just watch the 5 episode HBO miniseries.

Alright, I'm gonna make me another cuppa tea and a little something to eat because all I've eaten so tonight is three cups of green tea and the last 1/4 of an Endangered Species  cranberry orange & cinnamon dark chocolate bar. Then some more inputting while I watch this week's Doctor Who episode and figure out what to binge watch next. Luckily I'm all caught up on teh time sensitive things I did last night from being gone the first part of the week while sick.

Tomorrow night I'm headed to Milwaukee to see Ye Vagabonfs at ICHC with Crissy and Amy. They're an Irish band, mostly trad songs 9not tunes) with pretty harmonies. It's very important to Sara Lou (the current head of booking for Irish Cultural heritage Center, in the old church. It's one of my favorite venues, and not just because it's an old church with massive beams and pews for seats and the old altar is the stage with the organ behind it -- and beind it is a rabbit warren to get to the bathrooms AND a bar in the back back room that always has fresh Guinness and Smithwick's on tap because Irish) and hasn't sold well and while I was pretty evenly balanced between "I can be happy going" and "I can be happy not going" BUT the fact this is the show that means so much to Sara Lou and she's been telling everyone about since setting the schedule is what tilted us to go.

And then on Sunday we're supposed to meet up with Amy in Kenosha area (halfway between Madison and Chicago) to hang out since we haven't seen each other much recently other than during the craziness of fest season back in August and then at We Banjo 3 shows in Ohio where there are just a LOT of people in the "Banjo Family" around so didn't really get a proper catchup.

(Banjo Family is the boys and their sound guy Frank who is the fifth Beattle of their band, everyone in Crew, and other longterm fans who for whatever personal/interpersonal drama reasons don't want to be in Crew. It's definitely messy and occasionally dysfunctional like a big extended family, but it works far better than most street teams do. And I say that as someone who has been involved at various levels in countless street teams of numerous indie bands since I was 17, lol. The thing is though, i only offer to help out with them and show up for bands where I respect all the people involved in their team -- or after some bad interactions when I get dragged into it whether I want to or not by the band themself. Like Enda insisted for We banjo 3. but I'll only stay so long as the band and everyone they associate themselves with are people I can respect and their motives remain pure and good. I leave, even if it hurts me, any time a band sells out their ethics and starts doing morally shady shit and taking their career down paths taht are motivated by a quest for fame or stardom rather than about the creative process and being good souls using their art to help heal people. I'm a healer, whether it's a warrior or a teacher life I'm always a healer -- and I don't heal those who willfully reject their own healing and choose to be lesser versions of themselves or who choose to be cruel to other souls. Not ever..You will always lose me and my support/respect/love when you choose the path of selling out fame or when you choose acts of intentional cruelty to another part of the Creation. And you can't have it back til you make right the wrongs you've done -- however long that takes you to face it and to start the healing of the wrongs you inflicted in your own selfishness.....)

Last night I got around to watching Dave's livestream on the We Banjo 3 instagram account -- I had tried to watch it while it was live but my phone kept dropping signal so i promised him if he left it up I'd watch it later. So he did set it to stay for the 24 hours, and I watched it while watering my plants at work.  (He was super cute about it, even a little shy trying to hide behind his banjo a couple times for... reasons.... But he was super happy, especially when going through the shows and every one he knew I'd be at. Plus I didn't mind him using it to force hi to practice Clawhammer banjo more or him getting technical about how different it is from tenor banjo and also from using a plectrum to play. And I liked that he ended with Shine On.)

After that I watched Bronx's Pisces reading for the month and a pick a pile she did. they were both quite spot on. I may rewatch it later tonight though.... Bronx is really my favorite tarot reader in the current astro twitter community. She taps in strongly and both her analysis and perceptions are meticulously insightful.  There are others, like Nina, who pull cards that are spot on, but then their analysis/reading is like, "WTAF?! How did you even conclude THAT?!?! Projection much?!?!?!"

Anyway. The Pisces applies well to me, as a Pisces rising, but I suppose it also applies to Eric as well as a Pisces....  And I can see that too.... Especially since I can't yet completely shut him out and especially as we're getting closer to the full moon, he's getting louder again, his emotional space is and he's.... not in a good way emotionally...tonight he's been having an incredibly rough time and it hurts inside me and I just want to fix his hurting make it better when I hear his hurting like that..... Thus why I need to shut him out to be fair to Dave (or anyone else I might date) and that was one of my reasons I was initially not going to give Dave a chance -- because there's something beautifully fragile and vulnerable in him and I decided when I first met him in this life that I didn't want to break his heart if I couldn't love him as he deserved. And I can't without Eric taking himself out of my options and then me putting the bond to sleep. And the choices made by Britt and then Eric since 2018 have opened up a pathway for me to see this through as my best course of action for my own mental/emotional health -- to accept their choices and their actions and let them go set them free of me until they make choices that fic where they have gone wrong and then bring them back to find me again, in this life or another. And if I do that, my biggest reason I chose not to give Dave a chance 7 years ago evaporates. And that's where we're at. And I'm sorry that Eric's hurting so, it hurts me that he's hurting and I'm still grieving and suffering it in my own way even if I DID precog about it and DID warn Eric in his dms in the Spring of 2019 when he broke back through my previous internal block that the actions of Britt in October 2018 were a bigger threat to him losing me than the country music causing me pain.... I mean, it's not like I DIDN'T precog it all after what Britt did the day after the tree of Life Synagogue shooting and it's not like I didn't warn him we'd end up here if he didn't address it and fix it.... I knew from the moment her choices forced us down this path. And I did warn Eric. And I hate that's he's hurting so right now...  Which I'm not blameless for, but what else would you expect me to do if you remove any idea of me compromising my ethics?

As for the Pick a Pile reading... before even watching it, the rose quartz stack called to me if I thought on Dave. And the moonstone stack while thinking on what's going on with Eric. And the last one i wanted nothing to do with, I rejected it strongly.....  That fit too.

And that's really all I feel like writing about now. That's more than I meant to write. I was only going to write about the original film noir Mildred Pierce probably not being worth your hour 40 to watch..... I didn't mean to rewalk the same circles, just with the new information about wher Dave is at internally as of yesterday, but still the same patterns.

Last night I had dreams about Dave.  The kind of dreams that are glimpses further down potential fate lines.  All my dreams were like that.  They were really beautiful memories of potential futures with Dave,  and I woke up really happy from them!!

I've not had dreams like that about Eric since the one in November that made me wake up crying.  And before that,  none since prior to him going live on the band insta account and completely ignoring me telling both the band and a public response to his own tweet about it on his own personal Twitter why that was unfair and exclusionary for him to do on the band's instagram account, especially under the aegis of showing "all" their fans how much they love them want to share the moment with them..... Which is what made me decide to cut him out from reaching for me via the bond and not to let him back in as long as he was going to follow his sister's tack of ostracism/ exclusion and ignoring/gaslighting any attempts to talk about it.

That's when he lost me over this issue of principle which he apparently lacks. or at least, that his actions he chose at that time and have not altered show me that he lacks.  Those were his choices,  his actions,  and they are his to make amends for before he can have any sort of foundation to build upon.  Doesn't matter how he rationalized it or whose brand of logic he listened to that brought him to those actions -- it was still his free will that bent to saying, 'this is an acceptable way to handle this situation." And it's over his actions (NOT anyone else's that set him up) that he is losing me.

And it's ultimately the moment that I realized I don't want him in my life this life if that's the sort of man he chooses to be, and he has made it clear in his actions that is who he chooses to be. Those choices and actions of his at the end of August, they are decisive moment that shifted the course, his actions at the end of August are how and why we have ended up on this path of separation rather than one bringing me back in closer to him.

The thing to remember with Tarot cards,  including when I'm using them,  is that they tell you of the fate line you are on - that's all they ever tell you.  I shuffle them to see what jumps while I meditate on them when I'm confused,  indecisive, disoriented,  things are opaque to my precogs,  or following a massive swirling flux in the winds of time that have made chaos of the ordered perhapses of contingent precog fate lines I knew.....

But the cards NEVER tell you what will definitively be - they tell you what is on the fate line you're currently on.

However,  the most important thing to any precog,  especially one who peeks through the veil into maybes,  is that free will determines which fate line you ACTUALLY walk.  If you accept the reading on your fate line as set in stone FACT then it becomes your fate.  But unless there's an immutable precog of a thing that WILL BE across every potential fate line, you ALWAYS have the power to choose between them.  It's why I spend so much time with the swirling contingent precogs of potential fate lines - knowing the consequences of choices makes it easier for me to make choices.

Just not when choices roil and tangle up the winds of fate to change all of the fate lines.... Not just mine, ALL of them....  Caught up in a whirlwind of a flipping coin waiting for the choice that would lay them out anew.....  It's terribly disorienting when that happens.

Anyway.  About the cards that jumped for me at 4am. Those are not immutable, they are just the fate line we are on now if neither of the men make changes to be better or worse than the trajectory they are currently on. There's a certain inertia to staying in the fate line you're on,  like the needle of a record player left alone to mechanically follow the grooves of the record.... But we're not records. You can change your choices/actions that have determined your trajectory and that epiphany you need to change your current fate line is like physically moving the needle on to another song - that other song is now the fate line your choices flipped you to...

Change your choices,  change your actions,  change your fate line.

I asked what they had to offer into my life on this fate line in this life if I chose them as they are now in their inertia driven habitual actions,  given the trajectories their past/present choices have put them on.

Either of them or both of them or neither of them can make different choices from where their head/heart/actions are leading them....those cards just orient me for what to expect of who they are now and the inertia of the fate line of who their choices/actions are leading them to become.  But I can't build my own choices between my own fate lines on "maybe he'll have an epiphany and choose to act so as to change his fate line" - there are an infinite number of could bes,  but most of them are utterly improbable,  especially if you have no reason to believe anyone is nudging things toward other fate lines.

So I have to choose between my fate lines based on what IS and what choices I have within my own power to change.

And thus why after such a disorienting whirlwind changed all the fate lines in the sands of time,  I decided to meditate with my Tarot to level set with myself on what IS, help me make sense and organize my own fate lines.....

That is the reading of what is and what will be if the boys stay on their current trajectory down the fate line they have thus far chosen to determine who/what they are, who they are becoming due to their choices, and what they desire/allow/build their life on.

It's not what MUST be, it's simply what you will bring me in my life given your current inertia and trajectory that is manifesting into your fate line available to you if you stick to the choices and actions that have brought you to this present now.

Make sense?

So.

Fatelines were INTENSELY wibbly-wobbly between 4:39pm and nearly 10pm. Enough to make me dizzy and nauseous and everything tilty while I waited for the Universe(s) to settle. I texted my bff and she told me she felt it acting a little unstable,  but it rarely affects her strongly unless she's physically near me or has spent a lot of time around me recently.

It's 4am, the witching hour,  so obviously I decided to just shuffle tarot in an open meditative state. Not a layout.  Just meditative shuffling.  As one does at 4am.....

Firstly, I should say....   while I recently purchased the Dali Tarot which is a more manageable size card for shuffling and is a surrealist/symbolist take on Rider-Waite.  I intend to use for full spreads and other people once I attune to it since RW takes less focus/energy than Thoth - but it's less powerful and less incisive and precise.  That said, my whole life I have had the white box Thoth Tarot Deck (by Aleister Crowley)  which I received from my mother who got it from my Aunt Judi who swore to me when I was a child she got it from my great-grandma Irma (who I never met) as a gift but made Judi promise never to tell her two sisters (Irene and Elsie)  or daughter (my grandma)  or any of Judi's own sisters or descendants who were "too Catholic to understand." My Aunt Judi left it with my maman before marrying and moving to Germany telling her to give it to her daughter "you'll know which one. Likely your firstborn.  But you'll know which one."  Curiously,  Judi and Jomi only had two boys,  and my sister is an anti-religion and anti-spiritualism very practical minded type A Virgo atheist....

So I've had the Thoth deck all my life this life so it's what I know most intuitively,  and my particular deck of Thoth tarot strongly has my aunt and grandma's energy and a little of my own mum.  (my maternal side of the family is the side by which I'm related to the last witch officially burnt at the stake in Germany. My da's side is the Cohenim/Tribe of Levi genetic marker and direct sibling relation  to Jehanne d'Arc. I get very different gifts down both bloodlines and the power in combining these bloodlines with the ability to fulfill my reward life wish is why I chose this body for this incarnation....)

Anyway.  The cards.

So.  Mindlessly shuffling,  meditating on Dave and the relationship between his soul and mine.   Took a little while,  but first to jump was the Ace of Cups.  Face up,  upright,  solo.

I smiled and internally asked,  "Anything else you want to add about Dave and me,  me and Dave?"  These two,  The Lovers and Two of Cups immediately jumped together, upright.

At that I laughed out loud said,  "A'ight.  I hear you.  You have anything else to say about my fate down this path for this life?" And then Nine of Cups jumped,  face down but upright,  and no amount of shuffling made any other card jump.

I snort laughed said,  "Right.  That's abundantly clear and direct. Thank you!"

So then I peacefully shuffled, turned at random,  continued shuffling,  with no intentions just meditatively and no cards jumped.

Eventually I thought,  "So. About Eric and me this life." and I thought on his soul. 

Then immediately without warning, The Hermit and Unicursal Hexagram leaped out to the left, landing facedown upright together to the left of my feet while to my right jumped out from another part of the deck, facedown upright onto the floor  right side of my feet but together in a  neat stack the Queen of wands,  Five of Swords,  and Nine of Swords (in that order top to bottom.) I didn't ask any further questions,  just raised my eyebrows at how intensely those jumped and in completely opposite directions from completely different places in the deck.  Then set aside my deck while I picked up those cards, a set in each hand,  to flip them separately.

Anyway,  as enigmatic as the Unicursal Hexigram IS even to those who use the Thoth deck on the regular (I think of it as the deep karmic paths/fate card, it shows up for me in matters of deep karmic entanglement knots.) But even if that card doesn't mean much to you,  the rest of this and how they jumped is VERY improbably clear....

Further meditations/clarifications about what was best for me and advice for my choosing were all even MORE clear to choose the Taurus (Dave) and accept the necessary karmic healing in willingly letting the Pisces go to the fate he has chosen for himself in his actions and inactions.... First when I asked for any advice for me,  came The Star,  followed by Eight of Discs. 

Then nothing except if I shifted my focus to one or the other of the guys....  Cups and stars and hierophant always at the bottom of the deck any time I thought of my fate interwoven with Dave.  But thinking of Eric, of not accepting and letting him go to his choices and the influence of those he allows to manipulate him, that kept bringing out Lust and Chariot and Fortune reversed,  many swords and cards of pain on all three of us, with upside down Prince of swords on the bottom of the deck every time I glanced at it while shuffling with entangling mine and Eric's soul was top of mind.

A VERY  clear Tarot reading on each of them in relation to me and what they bring into my life....

I was NOT particularly clear as to whether I was asking present or future.... Although I did constrain the reading to "in this life."

Aaaaand THIS is how you undo any good you had hoped to achieve, this is how YOU become an active perpetrator of the bullying when you share content from someone else who has chosen the path of ostracism and exclusion on Instagram. (particularly if they blocked people for an unfair,  unjust, or just fucking petty reason....)

It's basically like,  "O look.  This person shared a story."
Go to watch it,  "Where did it go?  There's no story I can watch...."
Click on one of their posts again,  "But there IS a story. I just can't watch....Oh.... "
And then that sinking pit of the stomach realization,  "Right.  It must be at the party that the mean girl keeps saying everyone's invited to - everyone but me....."

And before you even TRY to defend the indefensible,  here's what it looks like if I click on Eric's tag of Delta Rae in his own posts:

Here's every account that comes up if I try to "find us on Instagram" as Britt kept repeating onstage (or having Eric say for her) at the July and November 2019 Delta Rae shows when I DO try to search for an account that I started following right before the release of After It All,  when I first caved to peer pressure and installed Instagram:

Funny,  I can't seem to find you at all, let alone follow you, no matter what I do.....

So you can fuck off if you want to claim that wasn't intentional acts of cruelty to keep insisting on finding them specifically on Instagram and posting on all other social media about going live on instagram "to show our fans how much we love all of you" while never even RESPONDING or acknowledging being told "this is unfair and wrong,  you're excluding me and other fans blocked on the Instagram account for having been honest with you about the country radio." and you can DEFINITELY fuck off if you want to tell me I'm not blocked because "nobody in Delta Rae would ever treat a fan that way" or someone has manipulated you told you "I took care of it" or any bullshit justifications - because I'm actively still blocked on the band account. And you actively are bullying taking part in the unfair system of exclusion every time you share anything from the account perpetuating a system of ostracism.

That's how it's been since October 28, 2018, the day after The Tree of Life synagogue shooting massacre.  The day when all I wanted as a Jewish girl coming to terms with the most violent act of antisemitsm on US soil was to listen to All Good People and Morning Comes on repeat but instead I got blocked for saying honestly that I loved Hands Dirty but was sad I'd never get to enjoy it live since the country music was causing my color-timbre synesthesia too much pain to attend any further Delta Rae shows while trying to fit in the country box was any part of their identity.

And seriously,  you can fuck off if you want to insist "but we're independent now" or "just give the music a chance, we're done selling out to fit in a genre that isn't us."  Because that's not even about what matters now in your selling out the inclusive ethics and love of ypur fans you CLAIM to stand for while also creating and perpetuating and fully participating in systems of exclusion and ostracism CREATED from your official band account.  A system of ostracism that nobody in the band will even acknowledge any comments or respond to any dms any time you bring it up to them.

And it's why every single moment of every single day he has left this unaddressed since I first dmed Eric about it in early 2019 because I felt he deserved to know why I decided I was done with the band,  it's been a question of HIS ethics and being true to principles you have all claimed to stand for as a band vs. being a hypocritical sellout and bully and liar every time you claim to be against systems of exclusion or claim you love your fans.

And yes,  it told me he'd seen my dms explaining to him what had happened in October,  how for six months I couldn't listen to ANY Delta Rae music at all as a result of Britt's actions on her own personal account AND the official band account,  and precisely why this decision in the official band name meant they'd lose me as a fan no matter anything else they do if they don't address it.

P. S.  I could just as easily have shared Grant's account because he is ALSO actively taking part in the bullying and exclusion by his stories right now.  But I never directly dmed Grant about the unfair blocking or the consequences of it making him an accomplice to the policy of exclusions and an active bully as well.  So I can't say with certainty that he knows or is doing it consciously..... I can lay that sin at Eric's feet however.

Curiously,  anyone using repost to share it as a personal post (like Mike did) it will show his post with the content and thus he is not (currently) taking part in the bullting and system of exclusion created and sanctioned by the official band account. Any other form of reposting won't show,  but making your own post/story or using Repost to create your own post will show up to all your followers....

Nothing undoes any progress he personally could have made and hardens my heart against Eric to not let him in to make me feel anything for him like when he knowingly and intentionally takes part in the bullying created by Britt's established system of ostracism in the band's name on the official band Instagram account. Nothing does it as quickly or thoroughly as the red circle of an unwatchable unwatched story around his image.  Except maybe someone in the band telling me at a show to follow them on Instagram because they love all their fans....

Look.

I know I said I wasn't going to say anything further on the subject....  

But the truth is I hate when people I love are hurting,  especially when they're trying so fucking hard to make things right and it isn't their own current actions completely sabotaging what ought to work.... It was easier for me to decide to walk away on Eric while he was so excited and joy-filled,  it's very hard for me to do while he's hurting and upset.  I still have to let him go,  easier or harder on me,  if the fuckups Britt created back in Oct 2018 and has been trying to cover up and only made worse don't get addressed and cleaned up by someone in the band with the means and moral backbone to do it. 

Because this isn't just about him or about the quality of music they create together.... This is a matter of principles. And an ethical/moral issue isn't something I can compromise on or let slide pretend doesn't exist. 

This is about accountability.  This is about taking ownership of your past mistakes and fuckups.  This is about the CONTINUED bullying via ostracism in the band's name of having blocked fans on the official band instagram for daring to be honest that the country music was too painful to attend shows with it.  

Frankly,  at this point,  it's about the integrity of the band and if they ACTUALLY stand up against bullying, excluding people,  and injustice or if they're hypocrites using it to carve themselves a niche among "woke" millenials but unwilling to call out their friends or family or selves when they're the ones who took part in a system of deliberate ostracism.  This is about if you let yourself gaslight someone if they confront you over your abusive behavior patterns or if you acknowledge the truth and try to heal the hurts you created. 

This isn't an issue about me wanting him to be happy and this isn't about the music itself. this is about a serious questioning of their moral integrity based on the behavior done by someone representing the band,  in the band's name,  on an official band account and NOBODY in the band having the moral backbone to deal with it. 

You can't heal these sorts of mistakes of the past by refusing to admit you were party to the ostracism.  Thinking you can is the ugliest form of southern whitewashing the truth of history hypocrisy there is..... Refusing to acknowledge your systems of ostracism and how you are perpetuating them and the hurt they cause is THE most Confederate apologist style behavior possible....  You have to own how you did hurtful things to people before you get to heal your relationship with them - you can't just pretend everything is good now without owning your mistakes of the past and stopping the behaviors now you realize. That's not how responsibility and accountability and true healing works. 

And that's why I'm at the point of saying if they don't address this thing that was done in the name of the entire band,  then neither the band nor any member of it DESERVE my love or admiration or support.  

This is an issue of ethics, of the right ways and wrong ways you treat people - not an issue of artistic expressions. You can fix it or leave the stain that makes a lie of everything you ever claimed to stand for as a band.  But my respect isn't something that can be bought by making something pretty to distract me from the glaring hypocrisy of a system of ostracism you have created and perpetuated.

And you can break my heart all you want by reminding me how much there is I love about Eric and have loved about the band and ought to love about everything they're doing now - but you can never earn back my respect by failing to call out acts of bullying, even when it means calling out  yourself and your own past actions. 

I'm doing better today after sleeping like 12 hours yesterday. And I haven't thrown up since yesterday morning.

Granted when not sleeping, I've mostly been reading and drinking herbal tea. And I ate one spoonful of peanut butter around 6am, whenever I got back inside after taking the dog out. (I've eaten peanut butter by itself on a spoon as a snack since I was a kid - and if you haven't been eating much or if you've been sick,  it has easy to digest proteins, fats,  sugars,  and electrolyte minerals but doesn't take up volume or have fibrous starches that can be hard to digest and trigger a "nope!" reaction while your stomach is over-sensitive.  It's my go to first food after being sick unless I've not even been holding down liquids for 24hrs or more in which case I only get 1/8th of a cup of plain rice cooke with rosemary and small sips of water quarter cup at a time and no other foods but white rice with rosemary til my stomach is okay enough to hold down an entire cup of  tea. And yeah, I've been so sick before that I even throw up tummy settling herbal tea and plain water.....

That said,  I did start to feel slightly hungry decide to try some solid food around noon, had a small amount of warm barley with jam and a small piece of Scandinavian breadcheese. May have been a bad idea though - about 20mins after eating it, I suddenly got really warm like I had a fever and I've been combatting nausea for the last half hour.....I'm also still getting random feverish flashes since eating that I hadn't had at all the entire day before eating but which I DID have when I got sick on Sunday.... We'll see if solid foods stay down or if I need to stick to a tea and peanut butter diet til things settle....

(Also.  I did drink a blood orange Pu-erh tea right before eating those potatoes. I dumped out the second steep of it though.   I actually HATE the smell of brewed Pu-erh tea, the only things that smell worse to me are kombucha and bleu cheese (both of those smell so bad the smell of them can make me throw up - even someone else drinking kombucha, if the unwashed gym sock smell of the kombucha wafts my way it can cause me to throw up.) but Pu-erh teas are super healthy so I keep TRYING to like them....  In over ten YEARS of trying to make me like Pu-erh tea, I have found ONE (a pistachio pu-erh) that I like and will drink. I thought the blood orange pu-erh would be okay because before steeping all you smell is the citrus,  but after steeping it smelled too much like Pu-erh tea.  Anyway,  Pu-erh teas are fermented as part of the drying process,  so it's possible my strong aversion to the smell is about one of the bacteria in it and drinking it affected my gut biome enough it's what is making me so sick my body is rejecting food..... (I've reacted to some probiotic blends that way in the past.))

That's all the updates on my life I've got for you right now - unless you wish to hear about the books I've been reading or dreams I've been having over the last 30 hours or so.....

Ugh.  Ewww.  I just threw up twice. Once at 8:35, once at 8:48. Each time,  felt suddenly nauseous and flushed before throwing up.  (No. It's not morning sickness,  I've been single a very long while now and it's been ages since I've done anything might get me knocked up.  Nor have I done anything lately to seduce any gods who might decide seduction via golden beams of light or taking animal form might be the way to go...)

I hadn't eaten anything since about 1am when I realized I never made dinner so I cooked up some potatoes with onion and garlic in olive oil, the remnants of that was what I threw up.  Other than that,  I only had herbal tea....  And all of this in my own kitchen,  so 0% chance of pork contamination being the cause, lol.

Ugh.  Other than the sudden nausea and sudden flush like a fever right before I throw up,  I feel fine.  Not hungry,  but fine.

Still,  I cancelled joining my parents,  grandma,  and Uncle Jeff for brunch like I'd been planning to do....  Just in case.

I'm gonna go curl up in bed now....

Worst of all?  I'd boiled water and started coffee in my French press right before I got sick....  Hell if I want coffee NOW though.....

I'm sending myself to bed now,  with a bucket nearby.  And nothing else I HAVE to do the rest of the day,  just had vague intentions of plans and ought tos....

Ewww.  I hate throwing up and dry heaving and retching - mostly because I've always had a glass stomach and I throw up easily from food allergies,  pain,  most medications/swallowing pills, drinking black tea on an empty stomach (but coffee and all other types of tea are fine), food that's even a little off, certain smells, spinny rides like egg beater types or the teacups at Disney (but coasters are fine, love coasters!)  In 8th grade,  I had the stomach flu 12 times in 12 weeks....albeit some of those were multiple times in the same week....

Basically,  I have never in this life experienced nausea without suddenly throwing up.... EVERY time I feel even the slightest bit queasy....  So bulimics baffle me because as someone who unwillingly throws up easily, I can't imagine anyone willingly throwing up.... It's so revolting.  Literally.

I'm going to bed now.  I hope whatever made me vomit is done with me now though.  My tummy hurts from throwing up, so I'm going back to sleep..... I'm over today.  (and it's barely even 9am.)