Some middle of the night thoughts:
1) Honestly, more than anything else in the entire world, I'd really just like to wrap my arms around Eric an hold him feeling his arms wrapped as tight as possible around me, holding me against him so nothing can come between us.
2) His music and his band used to be a vehicle for him to find and reach me. But honestly, it hasn't been since the band decision to sign to Valory/Big Machine started causing issues due to the pain of the twangy vocalled country music on my color-timbre synestheia. (I genuinely dislike find painful EVERY single country cover they did to try and fit in that market and don't like the music of ANY country artist they covered. It's all painfully bad to me. And yes that includes Cam's song Diane. More than half of what they recorded and released on Big Machine is unlistenable to me and causes me pain.) You'd think it'd be better now they're no longer signed there, but the girls continued their defensiveness about the country music all throughout 2018 - starting with Liz blocking me on her personal page in May 2018, Briit on her personal page on Oct. 27, 2018, then Britt & Jessie in agreement on the band page on Oct. 28, 2018. All for me stating that due to my color-timbre synesthesia, the country music caused me bad enough physical pain that it would stop me from attending Delta Rae shows in the future due to that physical pain from the country vocalists. As a result, of their choices, neither of the girls can ever hope for better than politely distant acquaintances from me while the boundaries THEY personally created and put in place stand but that doesn't bother me much as it's their personal choices on their own personal accounts. But doing that on the official band account....that's different. As a result of that choice to use the band account for bullying via ostracism, the band itself can do nothing creatively (as musicians or visual artists) to reach me at an emotional or aesthetic level. There is literally nothing that the band can do or create that will reach me or draw me in closer so long as ostracism for being honest is any part of the band's official behaviors on any official band account. I'm at a point that even music I have loved deeply for nearly a decade can no longer bring me joy as a result of this bullying via ostracism on the official band account.
3) I still desire to be with Eric, same as I always have since long before the band existed. The band is just not currently a means to reach me, no matter what you create, due to the bullying behaviors from the official band account. and that fact will not alter so long as the policy of ostracism as repayment for honesty is used on ANY official band account....
4) I still want Eric. I just want nothing the band is offering as a result of how the girls behaved in 2018 on official band account(s) and that won't ever change without addressing and fixing the ostracism issues the girls created on the official band account(s).
5) Nothing he, or anyone, creates for the band will reach me or make things better so long as ostracism is sanctioned by the band by ANY use of it on ANY official band account.
6) This cannot be countered or altered by anything except the removal and healing of damages caused by any/every use of ostracism on any official band account anywhere.
7) I still wish to wrap my arms and my love around Eric and feel his encircling me. Nothing outside his choices and mine can ever alter that desire in me. We may be unable to actualize it as a result of the choices his sister made in the name of the entire band, but the desire is always there in me.
Sunday, January 12, 2020
Saturday, January 11, 2020
My heart hurts and my head aches - the levels of pain and terror coming from the burning of a continent are so loud and it takes so much energy to keep that screaming of souls quiet.... It's exhausting me, even when I'm at home and everything I've done here that protects me from spiritual attack and muffles the noise of humans thinking/feeling. It's worse whenever I'm not home. But even here I can't shut out those soul screams of so many dying and dying and dying in terror. The animals and the trees, it's an unending wail of dying in pain and terror and the feel of burning alive is omnipresent even with all this fresh snow. That screaming from their souls never ends and it's so much worse than any mass burnings/killings during this body's life.... Even at this distance, it's deafening when I don't try to constantly shut it out.... And an energy drain on me to shut it out, quiet it to a manageable volume.
Anyway. That's just sort of a constant drain on me right now. It saps joy from me as well as strength. It's hard to be happy, even about things that should delight you, when feeling so constantly so much pain and terror half the world away.
Also. I realized last night, I genuinely don't care about any of the new songs or tour or anything that Delta Rae (or the members of the band) create to promote the band. On social media, the only things I've liked related to the band or the release of The Light are things Eric shared and it's because I can hear his need for validation from me that I saw it and think he did good work. For the band and anything they do though, I can't feel anything anymore because I don't respect them as humans due to the acts of intentional relational bullying from their instagram account and the failure of anyone in the band to do anything to fix the injustice once they knew of it. I'm the sort of person who loses the ability to enjoy art if the people who made it or are making it show they are cruel bullies of any variety. (this is why I actively have no desire to meet or even online interact with celebrities or artists. Touch of fame is lost on me. Only who you are as an authentic human AND the caliber of the art itself matters to me for me to be able to appreciate what you create. But you have to have both to truly reach me, to claim any part of my heart and touch my soul.)
There's quite literally nothing Eric can create or do with the band at this point that will reach me emotionally without first fixing the issue of the band instagram account being a tool of bullying and ostracism. There's literally nothing he or anyone in the band can create for the band that will shift me out of my indifference tempered by active disgust at the bullying of ostracism from blocking fans from the band account for having been honest. Nothing short of owning the wrongs of the past, fixing them, and actively striving not to have anything officially representing the band engaged in relational bullying will crack this to reach my heart again. It doesn't matter how much I ought to love the art created or how intensely it should resonate with me and my aesthetics - if it's related to Delta Rae it simply can't/won't move me at this point so long as any official band account is engaged in any ethical injustice such as the bullying via ostracism that the band Instagram account is guilty of doing the last 14.5 months.
Me liking things he shares isn't about those things, it's about me reassuring him that I still love him DESPITE all the bullying done in the band's name from their Instagram account and his part in being an active bully by his sharing anything to that account or from that account to his own account.
And that's not at all the same thing.
It's also why I said that I don't believe anything he's working on will succeed at healing the breach between us even though I've said I'll wait and observe it since that's where he's putting his energy and hope. None of it can heal a damn thing or even reach me so long as it's coming from a band I can no longer respect on the human level due to the acts of intentional cruelty and bullying now associated with the band by the way their official band instagram account has been handled.
And he should be smart enough to know he's lying to himself thinking anything can make this better bring me back without first addressing the elephant in the room and fixing the wrongs his sister did....
I just wish I could help him realize that. Because lying to yourself about reality isn't the same thing as hope - it's just going to make the pain worse when you do finally run into the brick wall of reality. Especially if you could have done something about it to curb the getting worse not better if you'd only been honest with yourself....
Anyway. That's just sort of a constant drain on me right now. It saps joy from me as well as strength. It's hard to be happy, even about things that should delight you, when feeling so constantly so much pain and terror half the world away.
Also. I realized last night, I genuinely don't care about any of the new songs or tour or anything that Delta Rae (or the members of the band) create to promote the band. On social media, the only things I've liked related to the band or the release of The Light are things Eric shared and it's because I can hear his need for validation from me that I saw it and think he did good work. For the band and anything they do though, I can't feel anything anymore because I don't respect them as humans due to the acts of intentional relational bullying from their instagram account and the failure of anyone in the band to do anything to fix the injustice once they knew of it. I'm the sort of person who loses the ability to enjoy art if the people who made it or are making it show they are cruel bullies of any variety. (this is why I actively have no desire to meet or even online interact with celebrities or artists. Touch of fame is lost on me. Only who you are as an authentic human AND the caliber of the art itself matters to me for me to be able to appreciate what you create. But you have to have both to truly reach me, to claim any part of my heart and touch my soul.)
There's quite literally nothing Eric can create or do with the band at this point that will reach me emotionally without first fixing the issue of the band instagram account being a tool of bullying and ostracism. There's literally nothing he or anyone in the band can create for the band that will shift me out of my indifference tempered by active disgust at the bullying of ostracism from blocking fans from the band account for having been honest. Nothing short of owning the wrongs of the past, fixing them, and actively striving not to have anything officially representing the band engaged in relational bullying will crack this to reach my heart again. It doesn't matter how much I ought to love the art created or how intensely it should resonate with me and my aesthetics - if it's related to Delta Rae it simply can't/won't move me at this point so long as any official band account is engaged in any ethical injustice such as the bullying via ostracism that the band Instagram account is guilty of doing the last 14.5 months.
Me liking things he shares isn't about those things, it's about me reassuring him that I still love him DESPITE all the bullying done in the band's name from their Instagram account and his part in being an active bully by his sharing anything to that account or from that account to his own account.
And that's not at all the same thing.
It's also why I said that I don't believe anything he's working on will succeed at healing the breach between us even though I've said I'll wait and observe it since that's where he's putting his energy and hope. None of it can heal a damn thing or even reach me so long as it's coming from a band I can no longer respect on the human level due to the acts of intentional cruelty and bullying now associated with the band by the way their official band instagram account has been handled.
And he should be smart enough to know he's lying to himself thinking anything can make this better bring me back without first addressing the elephant in the room and fixing the wrongs his sister did....
I just wish I could help him realize that. Because lying to yourself about reality isn't the same thing as hope - it's just going to make the pain worse when you do finally run into the brick wall of reality. Especially if you could have done something about it to curb the getting worse not better if you'd only been honest with yourself....
Friday, January 10, 2020
Things that happened today (well yesterday now):
1) I definitely informed Dave this morning (publicly) that his cover of Achey Breaky Heart was NOT my favorite because country music twang gives me physical pain AND that the mullet is definitely NOT his best look (the mullet and the teasing about it in Crew being the reason for the cover choice) and that if he loved it that mattered most but I thought he could do better with his hair. Did he react by blocking me à la Britt for Delta Rae when being told that the country music at their shows was causing me enough pain not to attend further shows while it was any part of the band? No. He's a guy, not a petty tyrant who engages in female relational bullying. He laughed and told me he knew and had been trying to see how far he could push it before I was honest instead of polite and it was my own fault for telling him when he asked if he should cut it short or grow it out again that he should do what he wants with it because his hair looks good any way I've seen it.
Because not everyone is a defensive bully who treat their social media like a petty tyrant of their own small kingdom. And some musicians actually know how to treat fans who are willing to be honest with them.
2) Grandma was FINALLY discharged from Home Health Services today so I don't have to be over there all the time. She still has some very noticeable cognitive issues and I don't know how much longer it's RIGHT to let her live by herself not in a senior living situation...... But, she's healed up back enough to her normal self for me to feel comfortable enough not to be here on call constantly.
After Doug (her pt) left, she and I went to Craftsman for lunch of celebratory brisket sandwiches (and both got the orange rosemary chicken and wild rice soup.
3) After that I ran home to get a coupon I'd forgotten, and it happened to be right as maintenance was replacing the light above my stall in the garage. (it's no longer a flickery pink-purple fluorescent barely hanging onto life -- that was my fault, I got angry and it was already close to dying. It's been purply-pink since before Christmas.) One of them was the maintenance guy I've talked to and joked with a lot for the last like 7 years or so and so he came up and knocked on my door to ask about the sign on the door on our floor and why the door was propped open. So I invited him in rather than talk in the hall and told him all about the incident(s) with Pamela over the dried mud from a shoe/boot she presumed was animal feces and her tirades about the place being unlivable and my assumption it was going from a house to condos that were once apartments she wasn't used to shared spaces etc. AND how I'd told both her and her husband that those were fire doors and legally they were supposed to be kept shut except while moving things in/out for safety. So he took it down, said CMA maintenance official was that it was to be shut for fire safety and if they wanted it propped open or a sign put up, they needed to contact CMA maintenance properly.
I never did get around to sending that email, but I'm happier having told someone I have a good relationship with in person rather than having it in writing with people I don't know at all.
4) When I got to work, my new phone case was in (I FINALLY replaced my extraordinarily beat up old dreamcatcher one) and it makes me ridiculously happy!!!! it's teal with tree branches of lightly pink cherry blossoms on it! It's the one I almost ordered last time, lol.
5) I got angry that the snow was barely gonna miss us and we were going to get rain then maybe an inch of snow. Then most of Weds afternoon/night I slept through the shifting pressures of migraine inducing before these storms so my subconscious had the reins of, well, all my gifts....I woke up to winter storm watch/warning and ever increasing amounts of snow. Currently like freezing rain and up to 5" of snow for Friday night and then 6-11" of snow (with 40mph wind gusts) across Saturday afternoon/night. Whoops. Sorry not sorry -- I'm fucking fed up with so much of my winter not having fucking snow on the ground...... I intend to hermit at home and have a fire in the fireplace and read and clean and do laundry and cook something tasty and enjoy my winter wonderland ice storm I summoned.
6) tonight I told Miche & Jon that grandma was done with all her pt appointments, so I could do late February or not til April. Jon found me a ridiculous deal (via Madison even) so I now ahve my tickets to be in Seattle (well, Kirkland) from Feb. 18-Mar. 3. I don't yet know if I'm ACTUALLY going to Bellevue Bluegrass fest and/or Portland We Banjo 3 show with Nancy (she put me in her calendar for it, but that was back in Oct and we haven't talked since -- I need to double check with her) but I will be right out there while they're playing out there. Soooooo.... yeah.....
I'll be home for Valentine's Day (though all my plans are symphony with my 2 symphony friends I buy season tickets with) but if you were hoping to have me during end of February for any reason, you'll have to come to Seattle area AND convince my very stubborn and adores me 4 year old Scorpio nephew (and 1.5 year old Leo niece) that you have a good right to borrow me during the short time they get Aunt Dani.It's doable. But you'll have to be very convincing. Maybe teach him how to play guitar or something. (He's FASCINATED by guitars has wanted to learn for a year or two now -- but not a metal guitar, a REAL guitar, a wooden guitar.)
Also. I don't intend to have a car at my disposal.
7) I read the Joyce Carol Oates book BEASTS tonight. It was the ickiest creeps under the skin makes you feel like scrubbing your soul book I've read since reading Chuck Pahlaniuk's Haunted. But I loved the ending. But ugh. eww.
1) I definitely informed Dave this morning (publicly) that his cover of Achey Breaky Heart was NOT my favorite because country music twang gives me physical pain AND that the mullet is definitely NOT his best look (the mullet and the teasing about it in Crew being the reason for the cover choice) and that if he loved it that mattered most but I thought he could do better with his hair. Did he react by blocking me à la Britt for Delta Rae when being told that the country music at their shows was causing me enough pain not to attend further shows while it was any part of the band? No. He's a guy, not a petty tyrant who engages in female relational bullying. He laughed and told me he knew and had been trying to see how far he could push it before I was honest instead of polite and it was my own fault for telling him when he asked if he should cut it short or grow it out again that he should do what he wants with it because his hair looks good any way I've seen it.
Because not everyone is a defensive bully who treat their social media like a petty tyrant of their own small kingdom. And some musicians actually know how to treat fans who are willing to be honest with them.
2) Grandma was FINALLY discharged from Home Health Services today so I don't have to be over there all the time. She still has some very noticeable cognitive issues and I don't know how much longer it's RIGHT to let her live by herself not in a senior living situation...... But, she's healed up back enough to her normal self for me to feel comfortable enough not to be here on call constantly.
After Doug (her pt) left, she and I went to Craftsman for lunch of celebratory brisket sandwiches (and both got the orange rosemary chicken and wild rice soup.
3) After that I ran home to get a coupon I'd forgotten, and it happened to be right as maintenance was replacing the light above my stall in the garage. (it's no longer a flickery pink-purple fluorescent barely hanging onto life -- that was my fault, I got angry and it was already close to dying. It's been purply-pink since before Christmas.) One of them was the maintenance guy I've talked to and joked with a lot for the last like 7 years or so and so he came up and knocked on my door to ask about the sign on the door on our floor and why the door was propped open. So I invited him in rather than talk in the hall and told him all about the incident(s) with Pamela over the dried mud from a shoe/boot she presumed was animal feces and her tirades about the place being unlivable and my assumption it was going from a house to condos that were once apartments she wasn't used to shared spaces etc. AND how I'd told both her and her husband that those were fire doors and legally they were supposed to be kept shut except while moving things in/out for safety. So he took it down, said CMA maintenance official was that it was to be shut for fire safety and if they wanted it propped open or a sign put up, they needed to contact CMA maintenance properly.
I never did get around to sending that email, but I'm happier having told someone I have a good relationship with in person rather than having it in writing with people I don't know at all.
4) When I got to work, my new phone case was in (I FINALLY replaced my extraordinarily beat up old dreamcatcher one) and it makes me ridiculously happy!!!! it's teal with tree branches of lightly pink cherry blossoms on it! It's the one I almost ordered last time, lol.
5) I got angry that the snow was barely gonna miss us and we were going to get rain then maybe an inch of snow. Then most of Weds afternoon/night I slept through the shifting pressures of migraine inducing before these storms so my subconscious had the reins of, well, all my gifts....I woke up to winter storm watch/warning and ever increasing amounts of snow. Currently like freezing rain and up to 5" of snow for Friday night and then 6-11" of snow (with 40mph wind gusts) across Saturday afternoon/night. Whoops. Sorry not sorry -- I'm fucking fed up with so much of my winter not having fucking snow on the ground...... I intend to hermit at home and have a fire in the fireplace and read and clean and do laundry and cook something tasty and enjoy my winter wonderland ice storm I summoned.
6) tonight I told Miche & Jon that grandma was done with all her pt appointments, so I could do late February or not til April. Jon found me a ridiculous deal (via Madison even) so I now ahve my tickets to be in Seattle (well, Kirkland) from Feb. 18-Mar. 3. I don't yet know if I'm ACTUALLY going to Bellevue Bluegrass fest and/or Portland We Banjo 3 show with Nancy (she put me in her calendar for it, but that was back in Oct and we haven't talked since -- I need to double check with her) but I will be right out there while they're playing out there. Soooooo.... yeah.....
I'll be home for Valentine's Day (though all my plans are symphony with my 2 symphony friends I buy season tickets with) but if you were hoping to have me during end of February for any reason, you'll have to come to Seattle area AND convince my very stubborn and adores me 4 year old Scorpio nephew (and 1.5 year old Leo niece) that you have a good right to borrow me during the short time they get Aunt Dani.It's doable. But you'll have to be very convincing. Maybe teach him how to play guitar or something. (He's FASCINATED by guitars has wanted to learn for a year or two now -- but not a metal guitar, a REAL guitar, a wooden guitar.)
Also. I don't intend to have a car at my disposal.
7) I read the Joyce Carol Oates book BEASTS tonight. It was the ickiest creeps under the skin makes you feel like scrubbing your soul book I've read since reading Chuck Pahlaniuk's Haunted. But I loved the ending. But ugh. eww.
Wednesday, January 8, 2020
Also. It obviously goes without saying, just because I believe a situation seems insoluble (at least with what I have to work with from my resources) and that nothing will change until a person CHOOSES to change and learn the lessons they're refusing to learn and until then I need to let them go down the paths they choose even when the letting go is hard on me...... Well, it doesn't mean I'm right. Especially if I'm missing crucial information or failed to notice a change in a person's choices, the lessons they've learned and been tested on and are working to learn thoroughly enough to move forward.
I'm an old soul with very strong unbending ethical lines around issues of justice/truth and a lot of psychic/spiritual/magic gifts and ancient powerful deities as friends/guardians -- but that doesn't make me infallible. Especially when I have good logic built on a bad premise. I get real shit conclusions when that happens. And you have every right to fight me and tell me I'm wrong and show me where I went wrong and why there are better options I need to consider or new data for me to tweak things. Also, you can just tell me straight out, "Naw bitch, you fucking this up!" and then make me see how/why there's a better answer. If you've got evidence or a better answer or you're just fucking stubborn enough, you may even change my mind.
It also goes without saying that at the theater I got teased mercilessly by Crissy and Sabra while Karissa just laughed about me flirting with the high school boy at concessions who kept getting flustered messing up my order more than once forgot to ring in my red icee and took just as long getting me popcorn and an Icee as all three of them to sign up for Magic Movie Rewards AND get their popcorn and soda cups from someone else. It was actually quite entertaining how distracted and flustered he was... I probably deserved their teasing. Finally I stamped my foot said, "But I wasn't flirting!! I was just asking. Nicely, but just asking. It wasn't me that was flirting -- it was my boobs." They all looked down at them, looked up at my face, looked down at them again and finally Crissy said, "I mean, they are ridiculous." Sabra, 'Bit Jessica Rabbit on you." and Karissa, "Can you imagine if we corset trained her?"
At which point I just gave a heavy sigh , turned on my heel and stalked off down the hallway to the theater -- at which all three of them started laughing REALLY hard.
I don't mean to flirt. I'm just nice with really big eyes and ridiculously distracting boobs. Because 28G is an actual bra size. Can't get cute bras in it, and I have to spend a LOT of money on ordering them from EU/UK -- but it's actually a size......
I'm an old soul with very strong unbending ethical lines around issues of justice/truth and a lot of psychic/spiritual/magic gifts and ancient powerful deities as friends/guardians -- but that doesn't make me infallible. Especially when I have good logic built on a bad premise. I get real shit conclusions when that happens. And you have every right to fight me and tell me I'm wrong and show me where I went wrong and why there are better options I need to consider or new data for me to tweak things. Also, you can just tell me straight out, "Naw bitch, you fucking this up!" and then make me see how/why there's a better answer. If you've got evidence or a better answer or you're just fucking stubborn enough, you may even change my mind.
It also goes without saying that at the theater I got teased mercilessly by Crissy and Sabra while Karissa just laughed about me flirting with the high school boy at concessions who kept getting flustered messing up my order more than once forgot to ring in my red icee and took just as long getting me popcorn and an Icee as all three of them to sign up for Magic Movie Rewards AND get their popcorn and soda cups from someone else. It was actually quite entertaining how distracted and flustered he was... I probably deserved their teasing. Finally I stamped my foot said, "But I wasn't flirting!! I was just asking. Nicely, but just asking. It wasn't me that was flirting -- it was my boobs." They all looked down at them, looked up at my face, looked down at them again and finally Crissy said, "I mean, they are ridiculous." Sabra, 'Bit Jessica Rabbit on you." and Karissa, "Can you imagine if we corset trained her?"
At which point I just gave a heavy sigh , turned on my heel and stalked off down the hallway to the theater -- at which all three of them started laughing REALLY hard.
I don't mean to flirt. I'm just nice with really big eyes and ridiculously distracting boobs. Because 28G is an actual bra size. Can't get cute bras in it, and I have to spend a LOT of money on ordering them from EU/UK -- but it's actually a size......
I'm really glad Sabra was off work tonight (and Vivian is with Ross and his parents) so she could come with us. She's needed that. She heals when she's around me -- and there's no amount of my offering and my mom insisting and her mom insisting that could get her to the point out of her depression she's been ready to spend time with me even as much as she's been hurting. But being around me helps her center and find her truest self and heal and find her strength again -- she was my little sister two lives ago and we were incredibly close and died together. She's been born into this family for her best healing on this life path BECAUSE I'm placed here. And just being near me spending time with me helps her -- and she knows it but at the same time she's felt so miserable and down on herself and the choices that brought her to where she's been and been so isolated by controlling patterns that even opening back up to lat me in has been hard for her. But, I've seen her four times now since Christmas, sometimes just her and me, and we have solid plans for once I'm back from Ohio and tenuous plans for before I leave for Ohio. Because my litle sister-cousin needs healing right now -- and fast tracked.
Wait. Back up. To New Year's Eve. (Not all the way back to Russia....)
Sabra wasn't with me New Year's Eve, but Crissy and I had lowkey plans for dinner then to hang out (maybe hang out and not talk while we read books on opposite sides of a room) til champagne o'clock because neither of us had plans. (What you think I went out out on NYE?! Do you even know me?! The only time(s) I've ever done that is for a band, lol. As an empath, big parties or crowds and I do NOT get along except during shows where there's an emotional focus gestalt. Dear Lor... next you're going to be thinking that I waste my time watching reality shows -- please. Like I can stand the basic bitches who watch Bachelor/Bachelorette or anything to do with the Kardashians or any lame ass wannabe shit like that.... Ewww. Only reality shows I've ever watched is Trading Spaces back in like high school, HGTV rennos, old Project Runway, baking/food competitions, and Dancing with The Stars but I get REALLY judgey on bad technique or rhythm issues. But ACTUAL reality shows that don't have anything to do with creating art of some sort?! Aww hell no -- and I've never met anyone who actually watches shows like The Bachelor/Bachelorette who I like as a human...They are always basic ass former sorority girl bitches who are backstabbing catty if you get between them and what they want.) And I couldn't leave work til after it closed and I got all the checks for the end of month deposit to allow accounting to close out for the end of the yea before dinner. So Crissy came into MCW to bring everyone cupcakes and I decided it was drinks o'clock then sent Crissy to go read on the couch with her glass of wine get out of the stress-filled air of admin.
So, Karissa (socially awkward but incredibly kind and loyal friend of mine who I know from back in the day with We the Living and who my parents hired on back earlier in the year when she pretty desperately needed a job and both my da and I saw the need for her on the horizon) was still hanging out after punching out and decided to stay for a drink while my parents and Sarah and I were getting things done. And while I was at the photocopier in the process, right next to her desk (this was after Crissy had moved back into the admin area couch to read and everyone had moved on to eggnog, lol) I asked her if she had plans for the night and she said with an awkward laugh, "Not really." So I glanced past her at Crissy who gave me the nod it was okay and I told her that if she was okay with a super chill new year's Eve, our plans were to go out for sushi after I finished the deposit, bring back some spicy shrimp tempura rolls for my parents, then back to my place to chill and talk til champagne at midnight. And she decided to come join us. Which is good -- like I said, she's incredibly sweet and kind and loyal af and sometimes wickedly funny -- when she says anything. But she doesn't have very many friends and she's an extrovert who's grown used to being isolated -- and that's not at all the same as being an introvert, y'know?
So while we were out at dinner (and I totally ordered myself multiple sushi rolls AND hibachi scallops & steak because it was NYE and I LOVE their veggie tempura rolls and eel avocado rolls (or unagi generally) and tomago are forever favorites of mine BUT I also I really wanted scallops and figured the steak/veggies/rice would make a good second meal the next day. (I LOVE scallops but have never yet had success cooking them at home.... Also love mussels. Can't stand oysters (too slimy, hits my gaga reflex) or clams (too gritty) but I absolutely ADORE scallops and mussels.) O and green tea.)
Okay, I lost myself in all my parentheses about food. (Okay but, honest, food is incredible and opne of my favorite things about incarnating. Don't so much enjoy the hangries, but food nirvana is some real shit....)
Anyway, between ordering food and food arriving, we got to talking about teh new Star Wars and how Crissy hadn't seen it so I suggested, "So let's go. On $5 Tuesday. I'll go again for $5. And karissa loves Star Wars and movies generally." So then we all decided to go on Tuesday and Crissy said she'd buy tickets.
Anyway. then fastforward to last week Friday and I was spending time with Sabra and I mentioned it and she said how she hadn't gone. So I casually told her we were going on Tuesday and she got very excited she was off work and it was one of R's days with Vivian. She got even more excited when I told her, "And you go see movies on tuesdays if you can because they're only $5. Unless you want to help box office numbers for a specific movie or cause.) Crissy hadn't bought tickets yet because we hadn't solidified numbers (there was a possibility of Farrah joining us) and then I was like, "Wait, I'm in a car not the one driving for once-- so I can actually text right now, lol" And Crissy was actually able to still get 4 together (Farrah couldn't come, she's in UT atm.) And I also then put the idea of Thai food beforehand in everyone's head, lol.
So that's how it happened. And Sabra works next Tuesday, but thinks she has off the following and said she's up for $5 Tuesday movie night of Little Women.
I also gave her some of my Maharaja Chai Oolong (and that's love, it's one of my all favorites) and Hot Cincinnati Spice Black (my da's favorite favorite) and promises of some other types of tea from Churchill's if she sees me before I visit Churchill's while in Cincy for the We Banjo 3 shows in Ohio next weekend.
Anyway, it's good that Sabra is refinding herself and healing and spending time with me. She needs it. (And I've missed her. But she had to decide to come back to spend time with me to help her heal.)
And she centers me too. And hearing her genuinely laugh (at the lines of the droids in particular) was music. because she has a laugh that makes you want to laugh when you hear it, when it's her authentic laugh. And it's been a long time since I've heard it..... She's one of the only people who never drains me, no matter what she needs, or what inner state I'm in. There's very few people that's true about. But my cousin who's like a little sister I'm closer to than my actual sister is one of them.
That said, when all the noise of people around me thinking/feeling is quiet, and when MY inner noise was quiet, and then Sabra and I stopped giggling together at the previews, as I settled into inner quiet before the movie started.... all I could hear in my inner quiet was the inner space of Eric -- all his sorrow and hurt and scared about failing somehow at this point. And it was about all I could do not to start crying during the preview for Free Play (which looks so ridiculous and stupid and not a see in the theatre, but watch at home cuddling because if you miss it you've actually not missed anything funny action super hero movie.) But it was nearly drowning me there til I got it under control by, basically, just.... not letting myself cry right then and there and just sending along the bond strong waves of calming him that no matter anyone or anything else I'd still always love him and nothing was going to break that no matter the decisions either of us made in lives in between... Because he needed that truth to calm his inner storm of anxiety he was in....
So i did do that. Just naturally intuitively not thinking about consequences just reacting my own truth he needed.
And yeah I know, we in pre eclipse window... But it was also observing and letting myself feel it and react my truth to it. Not the overthinking, just my honest emotional reaction. The moments of quiet when I'm not home (which is VERY well protected safe space - I don't sleep anywhere without heavy spiritual protecting it) and the noise of everyone around me filters to quiet, his anxiety and sorrow and hurt when he's feeling them hit me HARD. Hard enough to drown me in it. It's happened before at movies, or quiet moments of plays -- but this time was one of the really strong ones. He was deep hurting in his anxiety and sorrow tonight. And he has been for several days recently. And once I quieted my inner space down enough to hear him clearly.... Honest, I dunno that anyone really knows how deep it cut into me devastated me so all I wanted to do was heal that hurt in him.
And yeah I know that. But the depth pf his hurt and sorrow and anxiety... I'm not capable of hearing that and not wanting to do anything within my power to heal it in him and make things right. Because. Even at my most fighting myself to leave make the bond sleep because stoic acceptance there's things in the way that aren't being dealt with, still even then my goal is to do it in a time and way to cause him the least hurt help him on the quickest path of healing til our souls can be reunited after we both learn the lessons that were what required we separate for however long, however many lifetimes, it would take.
Wait. Back up. To New Year's Eve. (Not all the way back to Russia....)
Sabra wasn't with me New Year's Eve, but Crissy and I had lowkey plans for dinner then to hang out (maybe hang out and not talk while we read books on opposite sides of a room) til champagne o'clock because neither of us had plans. (What you think I went out out on NYE?! Do you even know me?! The only time(s) I've ever done that is for a band, lol. As an empath, big parties or crowds and I do NOT get along except during shows where there's an emotional focus gestalt. Dear Lor... next you're going to be thinking that I waste my time watching reality shows -- please. Like I can stand the basic bitches who watch Bachelor/Bachelorette or anything to do with the Kardashians or any lame ass wannabe shit like that.... Ewww. Only reality shows I've ever watched is Trading Spaces back in like high school, HGTV rennos, old Project Runway, baking/food competitions, and Dancing with The Stars but I get REALLY judgey on bad technique or rhythm issues. But ACTUAL reality shows that don't have anything to do with creating art of some sort?! Aww hell no -- and I've never met anyone who actually watches shows like The Bachelor/Bachelorette who I like as a human...They are always basic ass former sorority girl bitches who are backstabbing catty if you get between them and what they want.) And I couldn't leave work til after it closed and I got all the checks for the end of month deposit to allow accounting to close out for the end of the yea before dinner. So Crissy came into MCW to bring everyone cupcakes and I decided it was drinks o'clock then sent Crissy to go read on the couch with her glass of wine get out of the stress-filled air of admin.
So, Karissa (socially awkward but incredibly kind and loyal friend of mine who I know from back in the day with We the Living and who my parents hired on back earlier in the year when she pretty desperately needed a job and both my da and I saw the need for her on the horizon) was still hanging out after punching out and decided to stay for a drink while my parents and Sarah and I were getting things done. And while I was at the photocopier in the process, right next to her desk (this was after Crissy had moved back into the admin area couch to read and everyone had moved on to eggnog, lol) I asked her if she had plans for the night and she said with an awkward laugh, "Not really." So I glanced past her at Crissy who gave me the nod it was okay and I told her that if she was okay with a super chill new year's Eve, our plans were to go out for sushi after I finished the deposit, bring back some spicy shrimp tempura rolls for my parents, then back to my place to chill and talk til champagne at midnight. And she decided to come join us. Which is good -- like I said, she's incredibly sweet and kind and loyal af and sometimes wickedly funny -- when she says anything. But she doesn't have very many friends and she's an extrovert who's grown used to being isolated -- and that's not at all the same as being an introvert, y'know?
So while we were out at dinner (and I totally ordered myself multiple sushi rolls AND hibachi scallops & steak because it was NYE and I LOVE their veggie tempura rolls and eel avocado rolls (or unagi generally) and tomago are forever favorites of mine BUT I also I really wanted scallops and figured the steak/veggies/rice would make a good second meal the next day. (I LOVE scallops but have never yet had success cooking them at home.... Also love mussels. Can't stand oysters (too slimy, hits my gaga reflex) or clams (too gritty) but I absolutely ADORE scallops and mussels.) O and green tea.)
Okay, I lost myself in all my parentheses about food. (Okay but, honest, food is incredible and opne of my favorite things about incarnating. Don't so much enjoy the hangries, but food nirvana is some real shit....)
Anyway, between ordering food and food arriving, we got to talking about teh new Star Wars and how Crissy hadn't seen it so I suggested, "So let's go. On $5 Tuesday. I'll go again for $5. And karissa loves Star Wars and movies generally." So then we all decided to go on Tuesday and Crissy said she'd buy tickets.
Anyway. then fastforward to last week Friday and I was spending time with Sabra and I mentioned it and she said how she hadn't gone. So I casually told her we were going on Tuesday and she got very excited she was off work and it was one of R's days with Vivian. She got even more excited when I told her, "And you go see movies on tuesdays if you can because they're only $5. Unless you want to help box office numbers for a specific movie or cause.) Crissy hadn't bought tickets yet because we hadn't solidified numbers (there was a possibility of Farrah joining us) and then I was like, "Wait, I'm in a car not the one driving for once-- so I can actually text right now, lol" And Crissy was actually able to still get 4 together (Farrah couldn't come, she's in UT atm.) And I also then put the idea of Thai food beforehand in everyone's head, lol.
So that's how it happened. And Sabra works next Tuesday, but thinks she has off the following and said she's up for $5 Tuesday movie night of Little Women.
I also gave her some of my Maharaja Chai Oolong (and that's love, it's one of my all favorites) and Hot Cincinnati Spice Black (my da's favorite favorite) and promises of some other types of tea from Churchill's if she sees me before I visit Churchill's while in Cincy for the We Banjo 3 shows in Ohio next weekend.
Anyway, it's good that Sabra is refinding herself and healing and spending time with me. She needs it. (And I've missed her. But she had to decide to come back to spend time with me to help her heal.)
And she centers me too. And hearing her genuinely laugh (at the lines of the droids in particular) was music. because she has a laugh that makes you want to laugh when you hear it, when it's her authentic laugh. And it's been a long time since I've heard it..... She's one of the only people who never drains me, no matter what she needs, or what inner state I'm in. There's very few people that's true about. But my cousin who's like a little sister I'm closer to than my actual sister is one of them.
That said, when all the noise of people around me thinking/feeling is quiet, and when MY inner noise was quiet, and then Sabra and I stopped giggling together at the previews, as I settled into inner quiet before the movie started.... all I could hear in my inner quiet was the inner space of Eric -- all his sorrow and hurt and scared about failing somehow at this point. And it was about all I could do not to start crying during the preview for Free Play (which looks so ridiculous and stupid and not a see in the theatre, but watch at home cuddling because if you miss it you've actually not missed anything funny action super hero movie.) But it was nearly drowning me there til I got it under control by, basically, just.... not letting myself cry right then and there and just sending along the bond strong waves of calming him that no matter anyone or anything else I'd still always love him and nothing was going to break that no matter the decisions either of us made in lives in between... Because he needed that truth to calm his inner storm of anxiety he was in....
So i did do that. Just naturally intuitively not thinking about consequences just reacting my own truth he needed.
And yeah I know, we in pre eclipse window... But it was also observing and letting myself feel it and react my truth to it. Not the overthinking, just my honest emotional reaction. The moments of quiet when I'm not home (which is VERY well protected safe space - I don't sleep anywhere without heavy spiritual protecting it) and the noise of everyone around me filters to quiet, his anxiety and sorrow and hurt when he's feeling them hit me HARD. Hard enough to drown me in it. It's happened before at movies, or quiet moments of plays -- but this time was one of the really strong ones. He was deep hurting in his anxiety and sorrow tonight. And he has been for several days recently. And once I quieted my inner space down enough to hear him clearly.... Honest, I dunno that anyone really knows how deep it cut into me devastated me so all I wanted to do was heal that hurt in him.
And yeah I know that. But the depth pf his hurt and sorrow and anxiety... I'm not capable of hearing that and not wanting to do anything within my power to heal it in him and make things right. Because. Even at my most fighting myself to leave make the bond sleep because stoic acceptance there's things in the way that aren't being dealt with, still even then my goal is to do it in a time and way to cause him the least hurt help him on the quickest path of healing til our souls can be reunited after we both learn the lessons that were what required we separate for however long, however many lifetimes, it would take.
Tuesday, January 7, 2020
I've been talking a lot about Eric lately, I rather lost the thread about Dave, didn't I?
I'll be seeing him (all of those lads) again in a week and a half. Jan. 17 in Cincy, Jan 18 in Columbus, OH. Other than seeing them, I have plans to go tea shopping in Cincy and buy some more of my favorite olive oil in the whole world (it's from a family farm in Crete) at Findlay Market. I'll need to let Katie know we're coming in case she wants to do something, well remind her, I'm sure she forgot. In Columbus, there's going to be more than half a dozen friends/crew family I know due to the band and their fan group. I'm super excited to go book shopping at The Book Loft -- it's been on my list of bookstores I need to visit (yes I have a list of these all across the US, UK, and EU. Don't judge. Or you can judge, but I still have the list of bookshops I NEED to visit.) The Book Loft is the bookstore that brought in the Irish authors to Dayton IrishFest and it has 32 rooms of books!! 32 ROOMS!!!!!
I'm not certain I quite understand their pre-show First In Line thing they're doing -- it's half hour of hanging out and it's free but you get a "just because" merch package and it's based on whoever they pick are going to their show based on if they said they're going to the show event on facebook and then a game of "take selfies at a place we tell you to go to." (Columbus will be the first of this new thing) -- it sounds fun as a way to show fans they care, doesn't make much sense, but sounds fun, lol. But it also sounds more like a rom com setup than a typical band VIP acoustic set where you pay WAY too much money for 4 songs and selfies that any REAL indie band does for free post set with every fan who wants it because they know that EVERY fan is bread and butter and every person they stay for is another piece of merch they'll sell at that show so the fan will have something to get signed.... (Everyone who isn't that egalitarian starts hemmhoraging money FAST unless they have a label that won't allow it. Or they're fronting instead of real. But being exclusive will only ever lose you fans -- being inclusive friendly and real af is how you bring new fans in. Always.) And We Banjo 3 has ALWAYS done that post show and always will -- even at festivals where they have literally hundreds or thousands in the queues and it takes long after the next artist's set before the guys get a break.
Anyway. This "First In Line" thing is new. I dont' quite get how it works -- Dave just posted about it on all socials today. It's very curious.....
Also, I think I may have encouraged him to act sooner than he otherwise would. See, he posted this:
And without thinking, I responded to him:
"If it helps, situations like that I tell myself, "The actual worst case would be if the answer would have been yes but by not asking inertia defaulted to no. " Doesn't help in cases when equally but differently afraid of yes as no..."
He thanked me for that, said he'd be sure to try it. I mean, maybe it had nothing to do with me. I should presume it had nothing to do with me. But I can't promise it didn't. I'm definitely overthinking it.
But I can't tell you I'd say him no. Not at this point in times. There aren't reasons enough for me to hurt him that way by rejecting him. Especially not after this... There's not enough there for me to tell him I'm in something else -- and that's the only reason I'd turn Dave down. I know it means I'll need to distance myself internally on the bond from Eric if Dave decides he wants to cross that line. And that will make my decision for me as far as what I need to do as far as the inner bond goes.
But then after that, unless I go to Seattle/Portland end of February for Bellevue Bluegrass Festival and then a bonus WB3 because I've never been to Portland and Nancy said we needed to fix that, and I need to double check if Nancy is still wanting to do that, I'll not be seeing him again til early March when I'll be seeing them like 10 times that month because they scheduled a LOT of shows in and around the area. (And then St. Louis, because love St. Louis and it's definitely driveably close for artists I want to see live.)
I'll be seeing him (all of those lads) again in a week and a half. Jan. 17 in Cincy, Jan 18 in Columbus, OH. Other than seeing them, I have plans to go tea shopping in Cincy and buy some more of my favorite olive oil in the whole world (it's from a family farm in Crete) at Findlay Market. I'll need to let Katie know we're coming in case she wants to do something, well remind her, I'm sure she forgot. In Columbus, there's going to be more than half a dozen friends/crew family I know due to the band and their fan group. I'm super excited to go book shopping at The Book Loft -- it's been on my list of bookstores I need to visit (yes I have a list of these all across the US, UK, and EU. Don't judge. Or you can judge, but I still have the list of bookshops I NEED to visit.) The Book Loft is the bookstore that brought in the Irish authors to Dayton IrishFest and it has 32 rooms of books!! 32 ROOMS!!!!!
I'm not certain I quite understand their pre-show First In Line thing they're doing -- it's half hour of hanging out and it's free but you get a "just because" merch package and it's based on whoever they pick are going to their show based on if they said they're going to the show event on facebook and then a game of "take selfies at a place we tell you to go to." (Columbus will be the first of this new thing) -- it sounds fun as a way to show fans they care, doesn't make much sense, but sounds fun, lol. But it also sounds more like a rom com setup than a typical band VIP acoustic set where you pay WAY too much money for 4 songs and selfies that any REAL indie band does for free post set with every fan who wants it because they know that EVERY fan is bread and butter and every person they stay for is another piece of merch they'll sell at that show so the fan will have something to get signed.... (Everyone who isn't that egalitarian starts hemmhoraging money FAST unless they have a label that won't allow it. Or they're fronting instead of real. But being exclusive will only ever lose you fans -- being inclusive friendly and real af is how you bring new fans in. Always.) And We Banjo 3 has ALWAYS done that post show and always will -- even at festivals where they have literally hundreds or thousands in the queues and it takes long after the next artist's set before the guys get a break.
Anyway. This "First In Line" thing is new. I dont' quite get how it works -- Dave just posted about it on all socials today. It's very curious.....
Also, I think I may have encouraged him to act sooner than he otherwise would. See, he posted this:
And without thinking, I responded to him:
"If it helps, situations like that I tell myself, "The actual worst case would be if the answer would have been yes but by not asking inertia defaulted to no. " Doesn't help in cases when equally but differently afraid of yes as no..."
He thanked me for that, said he'd be sure to try it. I mean, maybe it had nothing to do with me. I should presume it had nothing to do with me. But I can't promise it didn't. I'm definitely overthinking it.
But I can't tell you I'd say him no. Not at this point in times. There aren't reasons enough for me to hurt him that way by rejecting him. Especially not after this... There's not enough there for me to tell him I'm in something else -- and that's the only reason I'd turn Dave down. I know it means I'll need to distance myself internally on the bond from Eric if Dave decides he wants to cross that line. And that will make my decision for me as far as what I need to do as far as the inner bond goes.
But then after that, unless I go to Seattle/Portland end of February for Bellevue Bluegrass Festival and then a bonus WB3 because I've never been to Portland and Nancy said we needed to fix that, and I need to double check if Nancy is still wanting to do that, I'll not be seeing him again til early March when I'll be seeing them like 10 times that month because they scheduled a LOT of shows in and around the area. (And then St. Louis, because love St. Louis and it's definitely driveably close for artists I want to see live.)
Monday, January 6, 2020
I'm still doing my best to wait and observe, to try to hang on see what he's been working on because I know he's investing himself completely into trying to make something wonderful that will just blow my mind enchant me and he's putting all his eggs in the one basket of that fixing what's broken. And I'm sure it'll be amazing. I'm not certain it'll fix things or sweep me off my feet to make me forget what was broken needs fixing, but I am sure it will be amazing.
And it's not an exaggeration when I say he's everything I ever wanted and spent so long waiting for him to be ready and to find me.
So I'm trying to stay quiet and wait and see. I am trying.
But I can't promise I'll succeed at even waiting long enough for him to have the chance for what he's trying to do... I can't promise that. Things are fragile from how they were broken 14.5 months ago and I lack very basic trust as a result of what I have observed and how that has been handled. And it wouldn't take much at all, from ANYONE pushing my buttons on known issues about this to make me say, "Fuck it I'm done. If he doesn't care about doing things that cause hurt and refuses to try to fix things, then I need to go rather than let what is intended to be a source of joy be used to inflict pain."
And that's not fair to him if I just leave him, without giving him the chance to show me what it is he's trying to do....because he's not the one who broke it, his sister broke it. But he's also not done anything that needs to be done to fix it.
So I'm trying to stay quiet and wait and observe and give him the time/space he needs to do things his way. I'm trying to give him at least that much faith. But it's hard. It was made hard. And at this point it's VERY fragile.
And I'm simply trying to be honest about that. About how fragile things are as a result of the continuous bullying of the last 14.5 months from Britt and Jessie (and everything they run for the band, most specifically the band's instagram account) and why it is that I'll choose to leave KNOWING what I'll be giving up, rather than stay if the way it's been the last 14.5 months is the way he's going to allow things to be.
But I am trying to wait, to give him this chance he's trying so hard to make perfect. Just not without acknowledging the difficulties of his sister's creation that have been continuously gaslit ignored swept under the rug by her and everyone involved no matter how it's brought up. But I am trying. For his sake. For the sake of what it would mean sacrificing if I just leave the situation. Because I do know what I'd be sacrificing if I just up and leave. I do know. There's just things that are worse than enduring the absence (for yet another lifetime.)
I don't mean to be unnecessarily difficult. I don't want to be.
It's just.... You can't do something toxic, then try to hide it so nobody knows about how toxic it was and think hiding it means it's just going to go away. That's not how it works.
If you don't clean out the rot, it will just make everything else spoil that it touches, no matter how you try to pretend and hide it behind a pretty facade. You have to do the hard work to clean out what's damaged beyond repair, stop the source of the rot, and replace anything structurally important to make it solid before you put up the outer facade. It's as true for people as it is for a house..... You can't just cover it up and continue trying to make the rotten parts bear weight -- you have to do the deep cleaning to get out the toxic rot and stop the source before it destroys everything and there's nothing left to salvage....
We're at the point of fix it to find out if anything is salvageable, or just tear it out as too damaged by the toxic rot in important structural places to be fixed. A new paint job and replacing the moldings won't fix this.... Fix the rot, and then let's talk about the paint job.
And that's what I'm really trying to tell you -- I'm not the sort of girl you can try to hide the rot behind a new facade and pretend it's going to go away, even if the water's still dripping in and the old rot is still eating away at everything continuing to cause structural damage if left unaddressed. I don't WANT a pretty facade if behind it the toxic rot is just spreading and spreading instead of having been cleaned up properly. I'd rather solve the problem of the rot, even if you have to leave everything torn open while working on it, then have the nice looking facade with the rot going on still behind it.
And it's not an exaggeration when I say he's everything I ever wanted and spent so long waiting for him to be ready and to find me.
So I'm trying to stay quiet and wait and see. I am trying.
But I can't promise I'll succeed at even waiting long enough for him to have the chance for what he's trying to do... I can't promise that. Things are fragile from how they were broken 14.5 months ago and I lack very basic trust as a result of what I have observed and how that has been handled. And it wouldn't take much at all, from ANYONE pushing my buttons on known issues about this to make me say, "Fuck it I'm done. If he doesn't care about doing things that cause hurt and refuses to try to fix things, then I need to go rather than let what is intended to be a source of joy be used to inflict pain."
And that's not fair to him if I just leave him, without giving him the chance to show me what it is he's trying to do....because he's not the one who broke it, his sister broke it. But he's also not done anything that needs to be done to fix it.
So I'm trying to stay quiet and wait and observe and give him the time/space he needs to do things his way. I'm trying to give him at least that much faith. But it's hard. It was made hard. And at this point it's VERY fragile.
And I'm simply trying to be honest about that. About how fragile things are as a result of the continuous bullying of the last 14.5 months from Britt and Jessie (and everything they run for the band, most specifically the band's instagram account) and why it is that I'll choose to leave KNOWING what I'll be giving up, rather than stay if the way it's been the last 14.5 months is the way he's going to allow things to be.
But I am trying to wait, to give him this chance he's trying so hard to make perfect. Just not without acknowledging the difficulties of his sister's creation that have been continuously gaslit ignored swept under the rug by her and everyone involved no matter how it's brought up. But I am trying. For his sake. For the sake of what it would mean sacrificing if I just leave the situation. Because I do know what I'd be sacrificing if I just up and leave. I do know. There's just things that are worse than enduring the absence (for yet another lifetime.)
I don't mean to be unnecessarily difficult. I don't want to be.
It's just.... You can't do something toxic, then try to hide it so nobody knows about how toxic it was and think hiding it means it's just going to go away. That's not how it works.
If you don't clean out the rot, it will just make everything else spoil that it touches, no matter how you try to pretend and hide it behind a pretty facade. You have to do the hard work to clean out what's damaged beyond repair, stop the source of the rot, and replace anything structurally important to make it solid before you put up the outer facade. It's as true for people as it is for a house..... You can't just cover it up and continue trying to make the rotten parts bear weight -- you have to do the deep cleaning to get out the toxic rot and stop the source before it destroys everything and there's nothing left to salvage....
We're at the point of fix it to find out if anything is salvageable, or just tear it out as too damaged by the toxic rot in important structural places to be fixed. A new paint job and replacing the moldings won't fix this.... Fix the rot, and then let's talk about the paint job.
And that's what I'm really trying to tell you -- I'm not the sort of girl you can try to hide the rot behind a new facade and pretend it's going to go away, even if the water's still dripping in and the old rot is still eating away at everything continuing to cause structural damage if left unaddressed. I don't WANT a pretty facade if behind it the toxic rot is just spreading and spreading instead of having been cleaned up properly. I'd rather solve the problem of the rot, even if you have to leave everything torn open while working on it, then have the nice looking facade with the rot going on still behind it.
Saturday, January 4, 2020
For the record:
I do not wish ill upon Britt or Jessie, that is not my way. I cannot say I wish them good, but I do not wish them ill. The closest I come is to wish my double edged blessing I learned millenia ago upon them, "May what you put out into the world, by intention or action, return to you without causing harm to any innocents along the way." I do not wish harm on people, I only seek to blunt their harm to innocents and to return to them whatever negative energies they willfully set in motion. It's that which keeps karma ever watchful and ever just upon my right shoulder.
That said, I am under the protection of: 1) The Goddess, I have known her by many names and have served her as high priestess for some 10,000 years now and she's incredibly fond of me for some reason 2) The Hawk God who watches over me since I asked for any of the old gods who would come to me on call to help me cleanse the evil spirits and their haunts I encounter rather than me cleansing them by being the vessel of light myself because for too long their have not been enough shamanic healers and the cleansings are bigger than the mortality of one body 3) The Raven God who tells me he protects me for the kindness I did saving one of his when he fell from the tree into a crowd of humans and because I'm smart enough not to trust Odin.
I cannot and do not control these 3 old powers, for all they watch over me and protect me and will assist me in cleansing evils of spirit on this planet. And I cannot stop them from punishing any who would do me harm. The Goddess told me straight out I cannot intercede with her for Britt or help Britt to regain her powers of light she lost when she turned against her oldest teacher and high priestess - the best I could do is get The Goddess to agree she would not seek any harm toward Britt so long as Britt sought no harm to any of her priestess daughters under her protection. I do not have such promises from either The Hawk God or The Raven God - and the promise from The Goddess IS voided any time Britt would wish harm to any of The Goddess' Own, most particularly including me. It is only malice of her own making that will bring troubles to Britt, at least from The Goddess, and i cannot speak at all for the others.
I don't give a damn about Jessie other than to wish her manipulative corrupting influence out of any lives that touch mine because she is too selfish and vindictive to ever be trusted with anything you might care about, she does nothing unless she has as elfish motive behind the seeming kindnesses - but she never had any bond to me so has no claims on my soul and has never been discussed between me and any of the old deities. Jessie has no protections from me, no friendliness or enmity from me, and I will do nothing for her to temper any cruelty the deities visit upon her for the malice of her own ill intentions and manipulative actions.
I do not wish either of them ill - but I cannot save the one from evils of her own choosing and I don't care enough about the other to stop anything that might happen to her from powerful gods/goddesses as a result of her own self-serving malice making her wish ill upon a lightworker who if she knew anything about gifts of real magick and old gods she would know better than to ever so much as give dirty looks. I do not wish them any ill, but they are beyond any protections I could offer at this point and I only wish all of their malice-filled intentions to return to them without harming any innocents.
That said, I am under the protection of: 1) The Goddess, I have known her by many names and have served her as high priestess for some 10,000 years now and she's incredibly fond of me for some reason 2) The Hawk God who watches over me since I asked for any of the old gods who would come to me on call to help me cleanse the evil spirits and their haunts I encounter rather than me cleansing them by being the vessel of light myself because for too long their have not been enough shamanic healers and the cleansings are bigger than the mortality of one body 3) The Raven God who tells me he protects me for the kindness I did saving one of his when he fell from the tree into a crowd of humans and because I'm smart enough not to trust Odin.
I cannot and do not control these 3 old powers, for all they watch over me and protect me and will assist me in cleansing evils of spirit on this planet. And I cannot stop them from punishing any who would do me harm. The Goddess told me straight out I cannot intercede with her for Britt or help Britt to regain her powers of light she lost when she turned against her oldest teacher and high priestess - the best I could do is get The Goddess to agree she would not seek any harm toward Britt so long as Britt sought no harm to any of her priestess daughters under her protection. I do not have such promises from either The Hawk God or The Raven God - and the promise from The Goddess IS voided any time Britt would wish harm to any of The Goddess' Own, most particularly including me. It is only malice of her own making that will bring troubles to Britt, at least from The Goddess, and i cannot speak at all for the others.
I don't give a damn about Jessie other than to wish her manipulative corrupting influence out of any lives that touch mine because she is too selfish and vindictive to ever be trusted with anything you might care about, she does nothing unless she has as elfish motive behind the seeming kindnesses - but she never had any bond to me so has no claims on my soul and has never been discussed between me and any of the old deities. Jessie has no protections from me, no friendliness or enmity from me, and I will do nothing for her to temper any cruelty the deities visit upon her for the malice of her own ill intentions and manipulative actions.
I do not wish either of them ill - but I cannot save the one from evils of her own choosing and I don't care enough about the other to stop anything that might happen to her from powerful gods/goddesses as a result of her own self-serving malice making her wish ill upon a lightworker who if she knew anything about gifts of real magick and old gods she would know better than to ever so much as give dirty looks. I do not wish them any ill, but they are beyond any protections I could offer at this point and I only wish all of their malice-filled intentions to return to them without harming any innocents.
okay but very honest honesty now? Not very clear syntax perhaps, but super vulnerable honest.
Happy or not, frustrated or not, emo or not, full of hope with nothing to build it on or not, nearly run out of hope or not -- no matter WHAT mood Eric is in....And no matter WHAT mood I'm in....
Whenever Eric grabs hold of the bond and pours the full force strength of his love for me into the bond, there's no fight in me and I know in the deepest core of my being that there's no way for me to leave him or cause any separation between him and me without hurting him as terribly as me, causing irrevocable damage to both of us. I can only bask in his love and pull him and his love tighter in to me and hang onto it as tightly as it's in my power to hold onto him KNOWING that it's what he wants most of anything else in all the Universe is to feel the love I have for him and to know it's real. The very thought of giving him up sets my hackles up and makes me ready to fight anyone who would take it from me or attempt to separate the bond between us. It's certainly not anything I'd ever do of my own volition, to loosen my hold on the bond between us or in any way diminish the love that flows from both our souls to reach out for the other's soul.
The bond is sacred. As is the love we bear each other. And nothing can come between us except ourselves and the mistakes we make in our choices along the way.
And there's no chance of me ever forgetting that, no chance of me not feeling that truth resonating through my entire soul and every cell in my body from the start of time to the end of it, when I can feel his love pouring into me down the bond. No matter how I might doubt or question it whenever the bond is quiet, I KNOW these truths when the bond is active as deep as I know my own identity, deep as I know good, deep as I recognize all that is of light and all truths.
And honestly, when his love floods into me, all his work he's been putting into trying to win me over, win back my trust after these recent years of choices that fucked it all up so badly I have only the smallest frailest thread of faith in him, it gets to me past any and all defenses I might have to remind me why objectively I shouldn't trust him put any further of my love or energy into him without seeing real changes from him, his sister, and the official band account. Especially when it's as strong and all encompassing as it can often get...... I have absolutely no defenses whatsoever against his love nor can I sacrifice it to give it up for anything when I hear his truth -- especially the stronger and purer it floods into my soul via the bond between us.
Which is precisely why I question trusting it when it's not in full strength pouring from him into me -- I know that the flood of his love down the bond shakes me from all attempts at objectivity and fairness. So that all that I feel and see is the love that glows and binds us one to the other. And I know I can't make good decisions if I'm that blindsided by subjectivity -- especially when I lose my objectivity to someone/something that up til now has made choices and put more energy into being a source of hurt than healing to me. And it is my acknowledgement of how his love blinds and biases me AND how the choices made by him and those in his life (particularly his sister) cause me intentional pain and harm that makes me attempt to keep him at arms length and pull away from him whenever his love isn't flooding through my system.
If I didn't realize how completely his love biases me and makes me lose objectivity/fairness, I'd not fight nearly so hard to bs free from the intentional acts of cruelty he allows to be done to me born from his sister's actions over the last 14.5 months under the manipulative influence of Jessie on her ego. I fight him and fight allowing myself to trust in his love because when I'm not blinded by his love I know his capacity to hurt me if I let him in and he allows his sister to behave as she has for the last 14.5 months. And I don't deserve to be so continuously harassed and hurt and bullied that way. Nobody deserves that. And nobody should allow it to be done to them, for any reason.
And if he doesn't care what hurts he, or those he brings into my life, intentionally do to me -- then no matter how deeply I love him and love to bask in his love for me, how can I ever truly trust him? It's why this issue surrounding the band's official Instagram account (including ANY time Eric shares anything from it or goes on a livestream on the band account)is such a big deal non-negotiable dealbreaker for me to even consider putting the bond to sleep over it. It's why it has taken him some five centuries or so to finally catch up to me get another chance while we are both alive and of comparable age/lifestage for him to be tested on if he has finally learned the lesson(s) about what happens when he gives in to outside pressures allowing himself to a source of harm to me. A lesson he will only ever learn by when it causes him to lose me.
But when his love floods into me, I forget why I need to be cautious about how it destroys my objectivity. I know only of my love for him and the strength of his for me. And nothing else matters.... And that makes it a very dangerous thing if it can't be trusted (and I don't believe it can be trusted while Jessie is any part of his life (including serving any function working with his band.) Because she is an evil influence that should never be trusted. Full stop. As long as Jessie is around, there's a part of me that will never fully trust him, or anyone who chooses to let her in their life.. Because I don't trust her or her malefic influence. Not so long as he is weak enough to be manipulated by others instead of following his own truths...and not while he knowingly surrounds himself with anyone who would seek to manipulate him for their own ends, like Jessie does.)
It is all the strength and depth of my love that makes me fight giving in to my love and just accepting when he allows choices and actions to be followed that cause harm to him or to me. He needs to make better choices, or I will forever fight the love I want so desperately. I will defiantly fight allowing our bond to be used by other people to hurt either of us - and I will fight it until I break free and leave him knowing that no matter how the leaving hurts, it hurts less than allowing either of us to be a tool of the manipulation of others so we become a source of pain to the one we love. Better the pain of the absence than the pain of being manipulated into acts of intentional cruelty toward one we love.
Happy or not, frustrated or not, emo or not, full of hope with nothing to build it on or not, nearly run out of hope or not -- no matter WHAT mood Eric is in....And no matter WHAT mood I'm in....
Whenever Eric grabs hold of the bond and pours the full force strength of his love for me into the bond, there's no fight in me and I know in the deepest core of my being that there's no way for me to leave him or cause any separation between him and me without hurting him as terribly as me, causing irrevocable damage to both of us. I can only bask in his love and pull him and his love tighter in to me and hang onto it as tightly as it's in my power to hold onto him KNOWING that it's what he wants most of anything else in all the Universe is to feel the love I have for him and to know it's real. The very thought of giving him up sets my hackles up and makes me ready to fight anyone who would take it from me or attempt to separate the bond between us. It's certainly not anything I'd ever do of my own volition, to loosen my hold on the bond between us or in any way diminish the love that flows from both our souls to reach out for the other's soul.
The bond is sacred. As is the love we bear each other. And nothing can come between us except ourselves and the mistakes we make in our choices along the way.
And there's no chance of me ever forgetting that, no chance of me not feeling that truth resonating through my entire soul and every cell in my body from the start of time to the end of it, when I can feel his love pouring into me down the bond. No matter how I might doubt or question it whenever the bond is quiet, I KNOW these truths when the bond is active as deep as I know my own identity, deep as I know good, deep as I recognize all that is of light and all truths.
And honestly, when his love floods into me, all his work he's been putting into trying to win me over, win back my trust after these recent years of choices that fucked it all up so badly I have only the smallest frailest thread of faith in him, it gets to me past any and all defenses I might have to remind me why objectively I shouldn't trust him put any further of my love or energy into him without seeing real changes from him, his sister, and the official band account. Especially when it's as strong and all encompassing as it can often get...... I have absolutely no defenses whatsoever against his love nor can I sacrifice it to give it up for anything when I hear his truth -- especially the stronger and purer it floods into my soul via the bond between us.
Which is precisely why I question trusting it when it's not in full strength pouring from him into me -- I know that the flood of his love down the bond shakes me from all attempts at objectivity and fairness. So that all that I feel and see is the love that glows and binds us one to the other. And I know I can't make good decisions if I'm that blindsided by subjectivity -- especially when I lose my objectivity to someone/something that up til now has made choices and put more energy into being a source of hurt than healing to me. And it is my acknowledgement of how his love blinds and biases me AND how the choices made by him and those in his life (particularly his sister) cause me intentional pain and harm that makes me attempt to keep him at arms length and pull away from him whenever his love isn't flooding through my system.
If I didn't realize how completely his love biases me and makes me lose objectivity/fairness, I'd not fight nearly so hard to bs free from the intentional acts of cruelty he allows to be done to me born from his sister's actions over the last 14.5 months under the manipulative influence of Jessie on her ego. I fight him and fight allowing myself to trust in his love because when I'm not blinded by his love I know his capacity to hurt me if I let him in and he allows his sister to behave as she has for the last 14.5 months. And I don't deserve to be so continuously harassed and hurt and bullied that way. Nobody deserves that. And nobody should allow it to be done to them, for any reason.
And if he doesn't care what hurts he, or those he brings into my life, intentionally do to me -- then no matter how deeply I love him and love to bask in his love for me, how can I ever truly trust him? It's why this issue surrounding the band's official Instagram account (including ANY time Eric shares anything from it or goes on a livestream on the band account)is such a big deal non-negotiable dealbreaker for me to even consider putting the bond to sleep over it. It's why it has taken him some five centuries or so to finally catch up to me get another chance while we are both alive and of comparable age/lifestage for him to be tested on if he has finally learned the lesson(s) about what happens when he gives in to outside pressures allowing himself to a source of harm to me. A lesson he will only ever learn by when it causes him to lose me.
But when his love floods into me, I forget why I need to be cautious about how it destroys my objectivity. I know only of my love for him and the strength of his for me. And nothing else matters.... And that makes it a very dangerous thing if it can't be trusted (and I don't believe it can be trusted while Jessie is any part of his life (including serving any function working with his band.) Because she is an evil influence that should never be trusted. Full stop. As long as Jessie is around, there's a part of me that will never fully trust him, or anyone who chooses to let her in their life.. Because I don't trust her or her malefic influence. Not so long as he is weak enough to be manipulated by others instead of following his own truths...and not while he knowingly surrounds himself with anyone who would seek to manipulate him for their own ends, like Jessie does.)
It is all the strength and depth of my love that makes me fight giving in to my love and just accepting when he allows choices and actions to be followed that cause harm to him or to me. He needs to make better choices, or I will forever fight the love I want so desperately. I will defiantly fight allowing our bond to be used by other people to hurt either of us - and I will fight it until I break free and leave him knowing that no matter how the leaving hurts, it hurts less than allowing either of us to be a tool of the manipulation of others so we become a source of pain to the one we love. Better the pain of the absence than the pain of being manipulated into acts of intentional cruelty toward one we love.
Friday, January 3, 2020
Drank a bottle of wine. No longer angry. I can't be angry if I drink wine -- if I need to stay angry, I need to avoid wine. Now want to hug and cuddle and love everyone and everything in the entire world.
(This is normal for me after anything more than half a bottle of red wine. It makes me EXTRAORDINARILY full of agapic love for the entirety of creation. You can get me to forgive most anything this side of genocide or continuing in patterns of deliberate cruelty or joy in the torment of another soul if you approach me after I've had a half bottle or more of red wine. Red wine also makes me want to snuggle and cuddle with anyone whose soul light I find beautiful. And I find most everyone with even the smallest spark of light beautiful in this state -- though those I love most are those who the desire is strongest for me to cuddle with. White wine can affect me this way, but not so intensely and it takes closer to 2/3 or more of a bottle before I feel like I love everyone and everything. Champagne/prosecco has never yet done it. No other alcoholic beverage of any variety affects me this way. Only wine, especially red wine.)
Red Wine Derived Conclusion:
If Britt's attempts to make Eric fall in love with Jessie* make him happy, and by all signs he IS happier than he has ever been across these last six months, then I should let him go to have the happiness he seeks and chooses. What matters most to me is that he BE happy and he have the happiness it is he seeks. And he certainly appears to have that since June or July. I should let him have it, whatever it is has him so very happy, and stop getting in the way of things making his life difficult.
Not to mention, it's always easiest to let go and slip away from him (or anyone I love) when they are distracted and made happy by other people and things and don't actually need me. It's always been easiest to lose me when you're distracted by some bit of tinsel and I can see you're happy and just fine without me complicating your life on you.
Yeah. I should let Eric go for the sake of what he has chosen (or allowed his sister to choose for him) and the happiness he clearly derives from it at this point in his existence. I love him enough to let him go if that's what his choices require.
But. I'm probably even better off trusting him and his process and what he's trying to reach me to tell me. If only I knew I could trust in him and his choices. On verra.
*I cannot stand ANYTHING I know or have observed about Jessie or ANY of her friends I have encountered at shows -- all of whom are VERY loud and vocal about being her friends (at this point over a dozen at the various shows over the last year) and thus having the right to talk throughout the opener and sometimes even Delta Rae sets, "because doesn't she know that we're friends with Jessie?!?!" As if that excuses talking VERY loudly and obnoxiously through someone's set.... I genuinely cannot think of ANY good thing I have observed about Jessie as a human, a manager, a photographer, her soul itself, or her influence on anyone she comes into contact with since she became involved with the band and thus crossed my path. trust me, I've tried -- I like to find some good in everyone I encounter, even if it's twisted and deformed still it is/was good inside them. I have spent a LOT of time observing her, as objectively as I could, since she twined herself around and through the band started strangling them just as they were breaking free of their chains they signed themselves into. She makes EVERYTHING worse than it otherwise would be for her touch upon it. She's incredibly soul sick, but lures you in with a sweet seeming smell before anesthetizing you til you don't even notice how evil an influence she is on your soul, the way a Venus fly trap does.
(This is normal for me after anything more than half a bottle of red wine. It makes me EXTRAORDINARILY full of agapic love for the entirety of creation. You can get me to forgive most anything this side of genocide or continuing in patterns of deliberate cruelty or joy in the torment of another soul if you approach me after I've had a half bottle or more of red wine. Red wine also makes me want to snuggle and cuddle with anyone whose soul light I find beautiful. And I find most everyone with even the smallest spark of light beautiful in this state -- though those I love most are those who the desire is strongest for me to cuddle with. White wine can affect me this way, but not so intensely and it takes closer to 2/3 or more of a bottle before I feel like I love everyone and everything. Champagne/prosecco has never yet done it. No other alcoholic beverage of any variety affects me this way. Only wine, especially red wine.)
Red Wine Derived Conclusion:
If Britt's attempts to make Eric fall in love with Jessie* make him happy, and by all signs he IS happier than he has ever been across these last six months, then I should let him go to have the happiness he seeks and chooses. What matters most to me is that he BE happy and he have the happiness it is he seeks. And he certainly appears to have that since June or July. I should let him have it, whatever it is has him so very happy, and stop getting in the way of things making his life difficult.
Not to mention, it's always easiest to let go and slip away from him (or anyone I love) when they are distracted and made happy by other people and things and don't actually need me. It's always been easiest to lose me when you're distracted by some bit of tinsel and I can see you're happy and just fine without me complicating your life on you.
Yeah. I should let Eric go for the sake of what he has chosen (or allowed his sister to choose for him) and the happiness he clearly derives from it at this point in his existence. I love him enough to let him go if that's what his choices require.
But. I'm probably even better off trusting him and his process and what he's trying to reach me to tell me. If only I knew I could trust in him and his choices. On verra.
*I cannot stand ANYTHING I know or have observed about Jessie or ANY of her friends I have encountered at shows -- all of whom are VERY loud and vocal about being her friends (at this point over a dozen at the various shows over the last year) and thus having the right to talk throughout the opener and sometimes even Delta Rae sets, "because doesn't she know that we're friends with Jessie?!?!" As if that excuses talking VERY loudly and obnoxiously through someone's set.... I genuinely cannot think of ANY good thing I have observed about Jessie as a human, a manager, a photographer, her soul itself, or her influence on anyone she comes into contact with since she became involved with the band and thus crossed my path. trust me, I've tried -- I like to find some good in everyone I encounter, even if it's twisted and deformed still it is/was good inside them. I have spent a LOT of time observing her, as objectively as I could, since she twined herself around and through the band started strangling them just as they were breaking free of their chains they signed themselves into. She makes EVERYTHING worse than it otherwise would be for her touch upon it. She's incredibly soul sick, but lures you in with a sweet seeming smell before anesthetizing you til you don't even notice how evil an influence she is on your soul, the way a Venus fly trap does.
O fuck it! Why must things be so unnecessarily complicated?!
It ought to be simple. It ought to be as straightforward as:
1) I want to be with Eric
2) More strongly even than that, I want to see him all lit up incandescent with the joy in his soul at having the happiness he seeks.
3) I want both those things more than I've ever wanted anything else. Always have and always will.
4) This wanting never wavers. Never.
5) The only thing stronger in me than this first wanting (of having him central in my own life) is that I want even more the second want (for him to have the happiness he seeks) and if that happiness doesn't have a place in it for me then I would choose to let him go.
6) None of the rest of any of it all fucking matters next to these truths. Good or bad or a complicated mixed bag, everything pales into insubstantial shadows next to these truths.
At least that's how it is inside me. In my heart. And in my soul.
So why does what is so clear inside my heart end up such a fucking mess filtered through the reality of choices that were never of my making?
WHY?!?!
(okay, yeah. Tonight I'm good and angry over the injustice of this. Not sadly stoic accepting the unendurable as being the consequences of the choices he has made. Just really fucking angry that it's such a fucking mess when what's inside me (and inside Eric) this is all so fucking brilliantly clear. Tonight I'm feeling angry over the wrongness of that and how fucked up it is that ANYONE other than 1) Eric 2) me and 3) anyone else WE choose to invite into OUR decisions about the inner sanctums of OUR hearts would DARE to think they have any say in this or any right coming between us -- no matter how the fuck they're related to us. How fucking DARE you!!! This isn't yours to have ANY say in, so leave us the fuck alone to do this in our own way without ANY of your outside interference trying to force us to do what YOU think best. That's what i fucking want from you. )
It ought to be simple. It ought to be as straightforward as:
1) I want to be with Eric
2) More strongly even than that, I want to see him all lit up incandescent with the joy in his soul at having the happiness he seeks.
3) I want both those things more than I've ever wanted anything else. Always have and always will.
4) This wanting never wavers. Never.
5) The only thing stronger in me than this first wanting (of having him central in my own life) is that I want even more the second want (for him to have the happiness he seeks) and if that happiness doesn't have a place in it for me then I would choose to let him go.
6) None of the rest of any of it all fucking matters next to these truths. Good or bad or a complicated mixed bag, everything pales into insubstantial shadows next to these truths.
At least that's how it is inside me. In my heart. And in my soul.
So why does what is so clear inside my heart end up such a fucking mess filtered through the reality of choices that were never of my making?
WHY?!?!
(okay, yeah. Tonight I'm good and angry over the injustice of this. Not sadly stoic accepting the unendurable as being the consequences of the choices he has made. Just really fucking angry that it's such a fucking mess when what's inside me (and inside Eric) this is all so fucking brilliantly clear. Tonight I'm feeling angry over the wrongness of that and how fucked up it is that ANYONE other than 1) Eric 2) me and 3) anyone else WE choose to invite into OUR decisions about the inner sanctums of OUR hearts would DARE to think they have any say in this or any right coming between us -- no matter how the fuck they're related to us. How fucking DARE you!!! This isn't yours to have ANY say in, so leave us the fuck alone to do this in our own way without ANY of your outside interference trying to force us to do what YOU think best. That's what i fucking want from you. )
And I, Will swallow my pride. You're the one that I love, And I'm saying goodbye. Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. And anywhere, I would've followed you. Say something, I'm giving up on you.
So since New Year's Eve I have been considering something trying to untangle this mess that britt and Jessie have made of things between me and Delta Rae and thus me and Eric across the last 14.5 months. It's part of my several day silence. Especially given how fucking hard Jessie was working (with Britt's blessing) to make herself be Eric's midnight on New Year's kiss this year.... That was actually what made me go so silent here, how blatantly she was trying to make that be his truth and how clearly that echoed in him to reach me via the bond....
I accept that britt doesn't desire to hurt her brother -- but I do NOT accept that she isn't (either consciously or subconsciously) continuously and repeatedly sabotaging anything and everything between me and Eric and has since October of 2018. She wants him to be happy, but she GENUINELY believes he will only TRULY be happy not by any choice he would make, but by him accepting her setting him up with Jessie and her getting to keep her promise to Jessie that he's single unclaimed and if she just keeps giving him opportunities he'll be hers and the two of them can be sisters in truth, just as she promised Jessie and has been pouring her energy into attempting to manifest.
I don't think it's anything against me personally -- britt would sabotage and seek to be a wedge between ANY girl and Eric unless that girl is Jessie because she GENUINELY believes that what Britt thinks best for Eric is what Eric's heart/soul will find best for Eric. But it's at the root of what happened back on October 27, 2018 and why I am STILL blocked on the official band instagram account. She needs to try to sabotage Eric being with anyone other than Jessie wihile not acknowledging that she's sabotaging him having the happiness he seeks.... Unfortunately for britt and Jessie, serendipity lives on my left shoulder and karma lives on my right shoulder and I'm under the protection of some of the most ancient and powerful deities serving the light and so any negativity or sabotaging directed at me (even if subconscious) will wreak instant karmic chaos in their lives. And I can't soften it, they don't listen to me over what pwople call on themselves in free will - karma's an exacting bitch and ancient powers are fierce in their protectiveness, and they're VERY protective of me against everything but my own contrary stubborn free will acts of stupidity.
And it's also why Jessie will take ANY and EVERY opportunity to make sure she's around Eric (especially when he's drunk or on an emotional high and thus likely to act on impulses in the moment) making herself ALWAYS available. You don't have to be an empath and a telepath hearing everything inside both britt and Jessie to see the way she follows him around both physically and with her eyes at EVERY opportunity possible to try to make him fall for her. Everybody sees it, and there's a diehard contingent who have shipped them hoping for it to be a repeat of Ian and Becca (which is what Britt set it up to be when she decided Jessie was what would make her brother (and her) happy.) They feel quite strongly about it and a large percentage of potatoes are here for that romance following Britt's lead. They certainly talk about it enough in the press of the crowd, unless they hope to make their own fairytale come true with Eric like Becky and Kendi and that girl who said she wants him to put a baby in her belly every time he looks at her. But most of the potatoes would follow Britt's lead on this and ship Eric with Jessie, especially with how obviously Jessie desires him.
And while I don't think he wants her, it's a devilish trap. Especially the deeper she becomes entwined with the band (and in his sister's life.) Even if he doesn't actually cave to the pressures of her constantly being available and obviously desiring him, there's still danger from her constantly trying to seduce him due to the bond activated me getting overlays EVERY time he feels strong emotions. Even just confusing him, tempting him physically, and the way that plays out in his heart is a problem -- because it's the STRENGTH of the emotion that send me the overlay flash of whatever is going on in his life. Not the quality of the emotion, but the STRENGTH of it. I receive the carrier emotion(s) feel them, but it's the strength of the emotion(s) ends the overlay. And they're quick flashes, not the entire scene -- and his turmoil over it and everything mixed up would be (and has been) enough to set me off on the premise, "I'm not what he wants, I need to let him go to be free to pursue what it is he does want" and we all know where that ends up leading me internally.
And like I said, britt will do this with ANY girl she sees as a threat for her plan to make Jessie her sister in TRUTH not just name by forcing her and Eric together. So even if I bowed out and it meant nothing to Eric (I don't believe that at all when I can hear him clearly -- but even if we were to suppose it were somehow his truth) he'd still have this problem unless he were to give in to his sister and choose to date then marry Jessie. He can only evade the chance of Jessie's constantly throwing herself at him and Britt encouraging it desiring it by 1) refusing to have any interactions with Jessie or have her in his life (which would be a problem at this point with his sister AND the band restructure that Britt has created with Jessie in the center of it without her providing anything that, frankly, anyone could do and many people could do better from what I've seen) 2) getting seriously involved/married with a girl who ISN'T Jessie (and Eric accepting that a part of Britt will always hate the girl and be trying to undermine/sabotage his relationship with her because she's not Jessie and Britt promised Jessie she could have him) or 3) Eric choosing confrontation and making it clear to the both of them that he DOESN'T want Jessie and never will and that his heart wants something else and ANY attempt to sabotage what he wants is just going to drive him away or cause him to self-harm in some way if he doesn't get what his heart is truly set on.
And I don't see any of those happening. Frankly, most likely, he'll get drunk and end up messing around with Jessie and even if he doesn't feels trong emoitions of attraction to her specifically his strong emotions will cause me to receive the overlays triggering the path down whichi voluntarily let him go so he can pursue what he's chosen -- and then he's hurt and upset and either stays hurt and upset or accepts the constant solace that Britt & Jessie are constantly throwing at him in Jessie..... That's the most likely way this plays out.
And there's nothing I can see that I could do here other than let Eric make his own decisions for his own life since he's the one must live it and advise him to listen to what his own heart/soul desires, the happiness he seeks, and to stay true to that set his course by it not lose sight of it or be tempted away from it again. Because as much as I want him (and mon bon dieu but I do want him, more than I've ever wanted anyone or anything else) what I want MORE than to let me be selfish feed my own desires is that I want him to have the happiness he seeks - just as much as his choices will allow him to have iin this life! If he guides himself by being honest with himself true to the happiness he seeks, then he and I will work towards the same goal. (even if I accidentally fuck things up by me not knowing what it is he wants for his happiness he seeks - he can pull me back to the right course just by making clear to me what it is he desires. No matter how badly I've misunderstood or assumed wrongly, I can't resist him or fight him on it if he's honest and clear with himself so he can be homest and clear with me.)
And it's why there's that undercurrent in my post of the morning that I wasn't going to fight the force of the flood from him, but that it would only have a hold on me while it was active in me. Because I don't see a way out of this mess and giving in to my own desire to believe in the truth of his love is only going to get me hurt give the active sabotage and malice and continuous attempts to force Jessie on him from Britt and Jessie.....
*sigh*
I'm not getting anywhere on this Gordian knot tonight.... Thinking in circles I can't find a way out of isn't going to get me anywhere new tonight.....
And I need to leave home in 7 hours to drop my dog off and get to my cousin's early enough to go with her to pick up her fdaughter from her manipulative controlling abusive now ex so my cousin won't have to go alone... And I'll need coffee and to be awake and alert and my shiniest most brilliant possible self by the time I make it across town during rush hour then an hour drive then being the peacekeeper of the interactions to reduce the chances of petty attacks from him or his family against my cousin.....
So now I'm going to shut down my conscious mind and slow my breathing and force myself to sleep. (After setting appropriate alarms for the morning, lol.)
[post title: lyrics to the song Say Something by A Great Big World.]
I accept that britt doesn't desire to hurt her brother -- but I do NOT accept that she isn't (either consciously or subconsciously) continuously and repeatedly sabotaging anything and everything between me and Eric and has since October of 2018. She wants him to be happy, but she GENUINELY believes he will only TRULY be happy not by any choice he would make, but by him accepting her setting him up with Jessie and her getting to keep her promise to Jessie that he's single unclaimed and if she just keeps giving him opportunities he'll be hers and the two of them can be sisters in truth, just as she promised Jessie and has been pouring her energy into attempting to manifest.
I don't think it's anything against me personally -- britt would sabotage and seek to be a wedge between ANY girl and Eric unless that girl is Jessie because she GENUINELY believes that what Britt thinks best for Eric is what Eric's heart/soul will find best for Eric. But it's at the root of what happened back on October 27, 2018 and why I am STILL blocked on the official band instagram account. She needs to try to sabotage Eric being with anyone other than Jessie wihile not acknowledging that she's sabotaging him having the happiness he seeks.... Unfortunately for britt and Jessie, serendipity lives on my left shoulder and karma lives on my right shoulder and I'm under the protection of some of the most ancient and powerful deities serving the light and so any negativity or sabotaging directed at me (even if subconscious) will wreak instant karmic chaos in their lives. And I can't soften it, they don't listen to me over what pwople call on themselves in free will - karma's an exacting bitch and ancient powers are fierce in their protectiveness, and they're VERY protective of me against everything but my own contrary stubborn free will acts of stupidity.
And it's also why Jessie will take ANY and EVERY opportunity to make sure she's around Eric (especially when he's drunk or on an emotional high and thus likely to act on impulses in the moment) making herself ALWAYS available. You don't have to be an empath and a telepath hearing everything inside both britt and Jessie to see the way she follows him around both physically and with her eyes at EVERY opportunity possible to try to make him fall for her. Everybody sees it, and there's a diehard contingent who have shipped them hoping for it to be a repeat of Ian and Becca (which is what Britt set it up to be when she decided Jessie was what would make her brother (and her) happy.) They feel quite strongly about it and a large percentage of potatoes are here for that romance following Britt's lead. They certainly talk about it enough in the press of the crowd, unless they hope to make their own fairytale come true with Eric like Becky and Kendi and that girl who said she wants him to put a baby in her belly every time he looks at her. But most of the potatoes would follow Britt's lead on this and ship Eric with Jessie, especially with how obviously Jessie desires him.
And while I don't think he wants her, it's a devilish trap. Especially the deeper she becomes entwined with the band (and in his sister's life.) Even if he doesn't actually cave to the pressures of her constantly being available and obviously desiring him, there's still danger from her constantly trying to seduce him due to the bond activated me getting overlays EVERY time he feels strong emotions. Even just confusing him, tempting him physically, and the way that plays out in his heart is a problem -- because it's the STRENGTH of the emotion that send me the overlay flash of whatever is going on in his life. Not the quality of the emotion, but the STRENGTH of it. I receive the carrier emotion(s) feel them, but it's the strength of the emotion(s) ends the overlay. And they're quick flashes, not the entire scene -- and his turmoil over it and everything mixed up would be (and has been) enough to set me off on the premise, "I'm not what he wants, I need to let him go to be free to pursue what it is he does want" and we all know where that ends up leading me internally.
And like I said, britt will do this with ANY girl she sees as a threat for her plan to make Jessie her sister in TRUTH not just name by forcing her and Eric together. So even if I bowed out and it meant nothing to Eric (I don't believe that at all when I can hear him clearly -- but even if we were to suppose it were somehow his truth) he'd still have this problem unless he were to give in to his sister and choose to date then marry Jessie. He can only evade the chance of Jessie's constantly throwing herself at him and Britt encouraging it desiring it by 1) refusing to have any interactions with Jessie or have her in his life (which would be a problem at this point with his sister AND the band restructure that Britt has created with Jessie in the center of it without her providing anything that, frankly, anyone could do and many people could do better from what I've seen) 2) getting seriously involved/married with a girl who ISN'T Jessie (and Eric accepting that a part of Britt will always hate the girl and be trying to undermine/sabotage his relationship with her because she's not Jessie and Britt promised Jessie she could have him) or 3) Eric choosing confrontation and making it clear to the both of them that he DOESN'T want Jessie and never will and that his heart wants something else and ANY attempt to sabotage what he wants is just going to drive him away or cause him to self-harm in some way if he doesn't get what his heart is truly set on.
And I don't see any of those happening. Frankly, most likely, he'll get drunk and end up messing around with Jessie and even if he doesn't feels trong emoitions of attraction to her specifically his strong emotions will cause me to receive the overlays triggering the path down whichi voluntarily let him go so he can pursue what he's chosen -- and then he's hurt and upset and either stays hurt and upset or accepts the constant solace that Britt & Jessie are constantly throwing at him in Jessie..... That's the most likely way this plays out.
And there's nothing I can see that I could do here other than let Eric make his own decisions for his own life since he's the one must live it and advise him to listen to what his own heart/soul desires, the happiness he seeks, and to stay true to that set his course by it not lose sight of it or be tempted away from it again. Because as much as I want him (and mon bon dieu but I do want him, more than I've ever wanted anyone or anything else) what I want MORE than to let me be selfish feed my own desires is that I want him to have the happiness he seeks - just as much as his choices will allow him to have iin this life! If he guides himself by being honest with himself true to the happiness he seeks, then he and I will work towards the same goal. (even if I accidentally fuck things up by me not knowing what it is he wants for his happiness he seeks - he can pull me back to the right course just by making clear to me what it is he desires. No matter how badly I've misunderstood or assumed wrongly, I can't resist him or fight him on it if he's honest and clear with himself so he can be homest and clear with me.)
And it's why there's that undercurrent in my post of the morning that I wasn't going to fight the force of the flood from him, but that it would only have a hold on me while it was active in me. Because I don't see a way out of this mess and giving in to my own desire to believe in the truth of his love is only going to get me hurt give the active sabotage and malice and continuous attempts to force Jessie on him from Britt and Jessie.....
*sigh*
I'm not getting anywhere on this Gordian knot tonight.... Thinking in circles I can't find a way out of isn't going to get me anywhere new tonight.....
And I need to leave home in 7 hours to drop my dog off and get to my cousin's early enough to go with her to pick up her fdaughter from her manipulative controlling abusive now ex so my cousin won't have to go alone... And I'll need coffee and to be awake and alert and my shiniest most brilliant possible self by the time I make it across town during rush hour then an hour drive then being the peacekeeper of the interactions to reduce the chances of petty attacks from him or his family against my cousin.....
So now I'm going to shut down my conscious mind and slow my breathing and force myself to sleep. (After setting appropriate alarms for the morning, lol.)
[post title: lyrics to the song Say Something by A Great Big World.]
Thursday, January 2, 2020
Okay. What gives? As far as signs and nudges from the Universe goes, this isn't even trying to be subtle this morning! 😂
So a friend of mine shares this set of photos on facebook and they're breathtakingly gorgeous so of course I must repost them to my own wall.
But also, between all the stars and the fact it's at Badlands National Park, it absolutely gets the song Badlands playing in my head.
So then I check out the photographer's page enough to see ALL the photos are gorgeous. So I follow it. And I bop over to my insta to see if the 14 year old in my life had dmed me before setting my phone aside, and at the top of my insta is this post:
It goes without saying, this DEFINITELY made Badlands stuck in my head all the stronger. And since I don't have a studio recording, my memory can only play it in my head the live versions of it I've seen (in person or online) and my subconscious went with the performance of it in Chicago just a month and a half ago.
So I'm sitting here with the Universe and my subconscious conspiring to make me remember and to hammer that message of Eric's into my very stubborn conscious brain and nothing I can do to shake it right now. And in doing so, it has that bond opened wide for his love pouring in full flood to drown out anything else and in that flood destroying all my doubts and defensiveness toward him - at least for the time that his love is pouring in so overpoweringly....
So. What gives? Why this now?
Nevermind. I don't expect answers. I accept is. And I'll let the song/memory/love fill my inner self for as long as it continues like this. And I'm gonna go back to reading and drinking tea. (Also, Katherine Arden's Winternight Trilogy is absolutely incredible!!! It's everything I'd hoped and wanted it to be and more!!! I absolutely think you should go find all 3 books then devour it. Now!)
So a friend of mine shares this set of photos on facebook and they're breathtakingly gorgeous so of course I must repost them to my own wall.
But also, between all the stars and the fact it's at Badlands National Park, it absolutely gets the song Badlands playing in my head.
So then I check out the photographer's page enough to see ALL the photos are gorgeous. So I follow it. And I bop over to my insta to see if the 14 year old in my life had dmed me before setting my phone aside, and at the top of my insta is this post:
It goes without saying, this DEFINITELY made Badlands stuck in my head all the stronger. And since I don't have a studio recording, my memory can only play it in my head the live versions of it I've seen (in person or online) and my subconscious went with the performance of it in Chicago just a month and a half ago.
So I'm sitting here with the Universe and my subconscious conspiring to make me remember and to hammer that message of Eric's into my very stubborn conscious brain and nothing I can do to shake it right now. And in doing so, it has that bond opened wide for his love pouring in full flood to drown out anything else and in that flood destroying all my doubts and defensiveness toward him - at least for the time that his love is pouring in so overpoweringly....
So. What gives? Why this now?
Nevermind. I don't expect answers. I accept is. And I'll let the song/memory/love fill my inner self for as long as it continues like this. And I'm gonna go back to reading and drinking tea. (Also, Katherine Arden's Winternight Trilogy is absolutely incredible!!! It's everything I'd hoped and wanted it to be and more!!! I absolutely think you should go find all 3 books then devour it. Now!)
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