My heart hurts and my head aches - the levels of pain and terror coming from the burning of a continent are so loud and it takes so much energy to keep that screaming of souls quiet....  It's exhausting me,  even when I'm at home and everything I've done here that protects me from spiritual attack and muffles the noise of humans thinking/feeling. It's worse whenever I'm not home.  But even here I can't shut out those soul screams of so many dying and dying and dying in terror.  The animals and the trees, it's an unending wail of dying in pain and terror and the feel of burning alive is omnipresent even with all this fresh snow.  That screaming from their souls never ends and it's so much worse than any mass burnings/killings during this body's life....  Even at this distance,  it's deafening when I don't try to constantly shut it out.... And an energy drain on me to shut it out,  quiet it to a manageable volume.

Anyway.  That's just sort of a constant drain on me right now.  It saps joy from me as well as strength.  It's hard to be happy,  even about things that should delight you, when feeling so constantly so much pain and terror half the world away.

Also.  I realized last night,  I genuinely don't care about any of the new songs or tour or anything that Delta Rae (or the members of the band) create to promote the band.  On social media,  the only things I've liked related to the band or the release of The Light are things Eric shared and it's because I can hear his need for validation from me that I saw it and think he did good work.  For the band and anything they do though,  I can't feel anything anymore because I don't respect them as humans due to the acts of intentional relational bullying from their instagram account and the failure of anyone in the band to do anything to fix the injustice once they knew of it.  I'm the sort of person who loses the ability to enjoy art if the people who made it or are making it show they are cruel bullies of any variety. (this is why I actively have no desire to meet or even online interact with celebrities or artists. Touch of fame is lost on me.  Only who you are as an authentic human AND the caliber of the art itself matters to me for me to be able to appreciate what you create. But you have to have both to truly reach me, to claim any part of my heart and touch my soul.)

There's quite literally nothing Eric can create or do with the band at this point that will reach me emotionally without first fixing the issue of the band instagram account being a tool of bullying and ostracism. There's literally nothing he or anyone in the band can create for the band that will shift me out of my indifference tempered by active disgust at the bullying of ostracism from blocking fans from the band account for having been honest.  Nothing short of owning the wrongs of the past,  fixing them,  and actively striving not to have anything officially representing the band engaged in relational bullying will crack this to reach my heart again.  It doesn't matter how much I ought to love the art created or how intensely it should resonate with me and my aesthetics - if it's related to Delta Rae it simply can't/won't move me at this point so long as any official band account is engaged in any ethical injustice such as the bullying via ostracism that the band Instagram account is guilty of doing the last 14.5 months.

Me liking things he shares isn't about those things,  it's about me reassuring him that I still love him DESPITE all the bullying done in the band's name from their Instagram account and his part in being an active bully by his sharing anything to that account or from that account to his own account.

And that's not at all the same thing.

It's also why I said that I don't believe anything he's working on will succeed at healing the breach between us even though I've said I'll wait and observe it since that's where he's putting his energy and hope.  None of it can heal a damn thing or even reach me so long as it's coming from a band I can no longer respect on the human level due to the acts of intentional cruelty and bullying now associated with the band by the way their official band instagram account has been handled.

And he should be smart enough to know he's lying to himself thinking anything can make this better bring me back without first addressing the elephant in the room and fixing the wrongs his sister did....

I just wish I could help him realize that.  Because lying to yourself about reality isn't the same thing as hope - it's just going to make the pain worse when you do finally run into the brick wall of reality.  Especially if you could have done something about it to curb the getting worse not better if you'd only been honest with yourself....