I slept like 18 hours yesterday because I was motion sensitive light headedness mild migraine every time I tried to get up earlier in the day so I decided just to let me rest so my body could deal with that -- because if I don't baby early migraine, it goes full blown dry heaving every time I move if I try to stoic push through it....  Yep, my own body turns renegade on me when I go too stoic "I can endure this" rather than basic self care listening to what I actually want/need. So y'know, maybe one of these days I will ACTUALLY learn to prioritize taking care of myself and my own needs higher than literally everything else I feel I ought to/have to rank higher. It also gets in the way of the creativity that keeps me sane and is my real work -- because living by myself and without the extra income to hire cleaning service, I have to do all the cleaning and chores myself which means that sometimes when I sit down to do a want to there's the guilt driven "ought tos" that descend on my brain asking for priority and then adhd executive dysfunction kicks in and I can't figure out how to get me to do ANYTHING because I can't make me do the ought tos but I feel guilty doing the want tos and procrastinating the shoulds.... It's like if I could re-code in my brain the "time doesn't exist anymore" creative needs as have tos not want tos, it would be easier because then AFTER I got it all out of my system THEN I could easily switch form the finished (for now) have to and do another have to task but as soon as it's a matter of prioritizing or feeling external judgement I've internalized "how dare you spend so much time on something frivolously selfish you could do later instead of doing the tasks and chores you need to get done" it completely derails my executive function to do anything other than play mindless games on my phone until I have enough dopamine to make me stop feeling like a shitty failure at independent humaning so I can make me get up to make tea and get some chores and cleaning done while waiting on the water to boil and the tea to steep.... I need to be better at prioritizing myself and what brings me joy rather than trying to stoicly accept "I can make do" and focusing on the ought tos rather than the desire tos.... I'm working on it, but also I've learned that my migraines will quite literally punish me if I don't coddle them when they're baby early prodrome symptoms and then whollop me physically incapacitate me if I ignore them try to keep doing what I "have to do before I can let me rest." (This life, my north node is actually in Taurus, slow growth sensual enjoyment of creativity and beauty and aliveness here on this fecund Earth.)  But anyway, bad sleep habits lead to migraines which lead to disregulated sleep habits, I know. Also solar weather can be a migraine trigger for me and lots of others with strong spiritual gifts, especially in the phase where the cme are hitting but the atmosphere isn't yet lit up ringing like a bell -- I get a surge of energy running through me, then exhausted, then when I wake up have motion sensitivity and auras feels like the migraines when I overuse my gifts, like an electrical storm inside my head that needs to dissipate. And I DID get that massive surge of power running through me so strong it locked up my machine only a hard reboot could get it working again. I did go see Lady Aurora in the middle of the night, but I didn't take any pictures. As someone who follows auroras and space weather all the time and has for decades, the hordes of people out trying to view last night were off putting. Also, during the peak of the colors, it was raining here. 

I did get up and take some pain meds to make sure I could be functional by 6am or so to make sure to meet up with Crissy for Farmer's Market. She is gone the next two Saturdays and the Saturday after that is the morning between getting home late from Frank Turner in Chicago on a Fri night then driving up to Minne for Frank Turner show on Saturday -- and there's no way that anyone will still be selling tomato plant starters in the second weekend of June.... We succeeded in getting all the types of tomatoes, sweeter peppers, AND nasturtiums at the three vendors I was hoping to find them. [There's a place that sells hot peppers and hot sauces and salsas, but their hot peppers are never as healthy or spicy as the death pepper varietals I get at Fitchburg Farms.

After I was back for a bit and had eaten  about half my double olive focaccia from Origin Breads, I got some gardening stuff done but then once again got surge of energy then exhausted then motion sensitive again this afternoon so I went inside to sit down work at my desk for a bit til it improved. I did have the wildest most vivid dreams sleeping during these solar storms...  When I meditated on the sun spot that's causing all the activity flinging energetic electron plasma ball goo at the Earth, I watched it burble heard in my head it singing what my subconscious translated into the Queen song Who Wants To Live Forever and it's been stuck in my head ever since. No clue if it's the feelings of the overheated area of the sun or a message for the planet in the direct line of fire from it. At another point, when I closed my eyes meditated on the sun itself generally, the song the sun was singing translated into my brain as the Journey song Wheel In The Sky. 

There were some other very very weird dreams. No angels or gods or fey, they're all too busy to visit with me in dream space right now. Not even in shamanic shared dream space, just in my internal lucid dreaming personal dream space dreams. Like one about me randomly house sitting an old mansion and on the morning while the maids were there, something happened that caused structural damage and we didn't know if it was safe to be there or had to evacuate but it wasn't an earthquake like had been reported, it was some sort of espionage sabotage attack in the building next door with the restaurant that was a front for the group that did it and I somehow Nancy Drew-ed uncovered the truth of it while not being sure if I was safer in the  mansion with the madis/servants stuck with me or if the foundations were so precarious we needed to flee and so shouting to the people assessing the structural integrity and giving them what I had uncovered about what was going on next door so they could pass it on to the appropriate authorities.... That one was very convoluted and I kept waking up out of it falling right back into that lucid dream so whatever it meant, it was a tenacious beast. Clearly symbolic but not shamanic dream space dreams -- very real world derived lucid dreaming type. 

The only one that definitively had to do with Eric was one where I was for some reason sitting at home in my own living room watching while he was doing like a social media video (which I was for some reason watching even though I don't have tiktok and do not follow him on insta anymore) in which he was rejoicing in his willingness to be so honest and real with his followers by showing the way he covers and hides and puts makeup over his tattoos that he had in the dream. Like, in this dream he had very vivid large colorful sleeves of tattoos of things he had once loved and believed in. But they were tattoos that were like Dorian Grey type but if his skin was the canvas in that, for whatever reason he couldn't remove them or alter them and they were all representative of choices made by past versions of himself that he no longer resonated with and that's why he didn't like showing or sharing them had to cover them up  And I just remember my dream self being so incredibly confused wondering, "But how are you being transparently honest and clear about who you ARE by covering up who you have BEEN? How is showing people how you camouflage your past showing them your bare skinned truth of self? I'm so confused how you think showing the ways you cover up who you have been is honesty about who you are now? What even sort of logic is this to talk about how proud you are about being so honest with people about how you cover up past choices rather than just owning the past and saying, 'athis is who I was and no longer who I am, but I'd never have become who I am if I hadn't gone through those past versions of me.' Like, how is this a standard of honesty to share how you cover up the past rather than do the work to accept and integrate it into your own current self so you can learn not to repeat it and grow into who you want to be?" And I got so confused and disappointed in the bypassing of it that I turned off whatever form of social media I had been watching to see it and decided to plug the phone in go outside feel the sun and breeze on my skin and sit by a tree and drink my coffee watch the birds and find the things that are truly sensory real to lean into -- and I woke up out of that dream as my dream self stepped out into the sunlight cradling the hot cup of coffee in my palm and inviting the dog to join me on my balcony before I closed the door again to keep the cat inside. Mostly I just remember being sooooo overwhelmingly confused and disappointed in him choosing bypassing instead of the shadow work and calling it the most honest he's ever been. And I get that it was my subconscious trying to use a physical metaphor for the spiritual/ethical bypassing that some people call progress of covering up the versions of themself they no longer are or that shame them... But I have no idea why my subconscious under the influence of the solar storms pouring in was giving me this metaphor about him and who he is and where he is right now. because I have no reasons to think that, my brain just created this lucid dream. 

Unrelated to my migraines or bad habits speaking unkindly to myself in the name of stoicism/internalized morality of society or my crazy solar storm generated dreams.... Because my parents are just doing their quick trip out to Montana not visiting my sister's family in Seattle area, my sister and brother-in-law are back to prodding me about when I am coming to visit them all next. (I had put them off me making solid decisions until after my parents booked their Spring Montana trip because I didn't want to "steal" her dates and have it be a thing....) Anyway, so I mentioned that because I had nobody to go to the Chicago Billy Joel concert with me on June 21, I actually had a TINY gap to consider between June 9-25 with the understanding that I have concert tickets June 8 AND June 25 I have to be back to take grandma to a podiatry appointment and for first Concerts on the Square on June 26. (Then APT tickets for Wolf at the Door on the 27, then All-American Rejects show in Milwaukee at Summerfest on the 28.)  It would be rather stressful to throw in going to see them then, but starting last night they began trying to find me flight deals and today are offering to use their Alaska credit to make that leg of the flight even cheaper. A direct on Alaska morning of June 11 out of Milwaukee (which is a Tuesday, because on the way taking me to the airport, my sister asked the kiddos when I should come back and Monroe told me when I flew out on Sunday night that I should come back Monday then paused said, "No. I have a play date with Joanna on Monday. Come back on Tuesday." And we all laughed really hard and finally I said, "I can't come back THIS Tuesday sweetling, I have tickets for a show that night, but I can try to fly back on A Tuesday for you." So now it's just a funny thing that I need to come back on a Tuesday my next visit for Mo's sake) and then a Southwest flight on the 24 with an overnight layover in Denver again to get me home morning of the 25. I've put them off for now that I need to check in with my potential rides to/from Milwaukee. It will make my June go from relaxing before the madness of all the shows in July and Irishfest season the first three weekends of August AND it would definitely shut down any possibility of even considering the "driveably close" house shows on the Too Late tour nearish me but week nights or a lot of hours to back and forth (the reasons they are currently not considered options) because I'd be on the other side of the continental divide just when his tour brings him anywhere close to within 100 miles or so of me.... But I think part of the unspoken isn't just missing me, but my atheist sister wants me to grid and bless and protect their house again now that they're back home after the third floor addition rennovation is complete -- which I WANT to do for the sake of the kids who have untrained gifts and no idea how to protect themselves other than Monroe being able to see my energy line grids I leave and tries to copy them from what she sees. But also, I'm hesitant to go so soon because I'm super busy right before and after AND new paint/adhesives curing release tons of voc and I'm SUPER sensitive to voc as a migraine trigger and causing me to faint. (Thus why when my neat freak new neighbor downstairs cleans with harsh chemicals/synthetic perfumes and uses her vent fan which just vents into the space between her ceiling and my floor rather than outside the building, it makes me have syncope spells just trying to stand up out of bed or the other day when she cleaned her master bathroom while the cat was stuck in the bedroom due to fridge door reversal that didn't work but caused us to find the smashed in back plate that required returning it and explained why the hinges wouldn't reverse and I fainted when I opened the door to let the cat out and narrowly missed smacking my head on the corner of my dresser by the door.... She insists that natural products don't clean as well and she's not going to live in an unclean home in her own condo unit to pander to someone who doesn't even live in her unit -- they're very nice and they're book people with a piano and we get along very well and they're super thoughtful EXCEPT about this one issue of her OCD neat freak making her use chemicals that cause me to pass out.... But the only solution (other than making do and opening windows when possible and all my plants and iar purifiers everywhere and running the vent fan whenever she runs her) is for me to sell my condo and move -- but I don't know where I would move to and housing has gotten super pricey and anywhere else shared hallways/hvac would eventually have the same problem and before I can sell I have some home repairs that I've been living with but need to be dealt with to sell it (especially in the master bathroom, which I solve by having a second bathroom living by myself.) but I don't personally have the skills for it and the voc release of what needs to be done would increase my migraines/syncope so needs to be done when windows can at least be open and preferably done by not me so I don't fall and faint from the offgassing sensitivity while resealing the top of the tub or repainting the walls in the master bathroom. It's been a joke ever since I was a kid that I AM the canary because I get symptoms that make me so headachey/dizzy/lightheaded/nauseous sick I can't function at quantities that most people would never notice so I avoid everything that long term exposure to it makes everyone sick....)  And so anyway, my sister's rennos, which are gorgeous, have not had ANY time to off gas at all so I do have a very real concern that visiting her so soon after they finished it might make me really sick the whole visit whenever I'm inside rather than hanging out in the backyard for fresher air -- and if Washington or Oregon or Canada get wildfires, wildfire smoke also causes me migraine/syncope/vomiting issues. Not wood fires, even forest and prairie fires I do fine with, it's when anything plastic or petrochemical ends up in the burn pile and so massive wildfires that burn through human areas include aerosolized burning plastics.... Anyway. I'm not sure it's a good idea to go so soon before the rennos have more time for off gassing, but I'd like to see them all and I'd LIKE to re-bless and protect the space for the littles.... But I can't tell my sister that I'm worried her home improvements will make me sick -- because Virgo sister and Taurus brother-in-law and that would be an insult to them to say their beautifully redesigned renovated home might make me ill if I come visit right now. Anyway, I kinda wish that I had an excuse for that window to disappear or that I had been less truthful hadn't told them I have that gap in June and just told them the soonest I can do is fall.... But I was truthful and now they want to claim that June gap and it's complicated because I'm like a fey changeling who pines away weakens gets incredibly sick from pollution and voc off gasing and synthetic perfumes but thrives on clean air and trees and flowers and the stars and wild animals/birds and open water and mountains and crystals/rocks and music and books and art..... I really don't fit well in the modern world you know, much of the modern world makes me incredibly ill from even short exposures to it. Or I make it stop functioning every time I lose my temper or slip in my control over my chi and the spirit energy/magic that flows through me even the tiniest little bit....

Also. How is it nearly midnight?! I swear it was just 8:00pm and I was going to do just a little more inputting before calling it a night.... Damn it  Dani...this is NOT how you fix your busted Circadian Rhythm girlie....and blaming the migraines and ADHD only get you so far as excuses go for that dysregulation you've created for yourself because it doesn't affect anyone but you. (I actually can have good sleep and meal schedules when I'm living with other people or have daytime scheduled plans, mostly because I take the best care of myself when it's taking care of other people I care baout and not JUST me. I just revert to dsyregulated time blindness habits when left by myself for too long to fit sleep and meals in wherever is most convenient for getting everything else done.) You've been at work for like 15 hours straight now and you have more plant stuff still to do tomorrow during daylight hours. Get your arse home (or at least go watch the skies dance overhead again until you're ready to go home go to sleep.)