So, I think I mentioned I've been reading Braiding Sweetgrass. (which I very much have been loving and reading slowly to savor every section, every sentence, ever word and not finish it too soon; it's not so much good science or a philosophical exhortation for HOW to be better aligned with the Earth's needs and all the beings on it as it is a series of very magical memoirs of someone who straddles the divide trying to balance both worlds of science based field ecologist and growing up Pottawatomie trying to relearn the lost wisdom and knowledge of the Indigenous peoples of North America. It's beautifully written and I can relate very deeply to it and to the desire she's trying to articulate about the need to bring modern humankind back into a model of stewardship seeing all of Creation here on Earth Mother as ones own family rather than commodification of the natural resources models.) So today, while reading it and drinking my coffee waiting to move the laundry along, I read this passage:

"The bear is known for protecting the people and as the keeper of medicine knowledge." (p. 257) 

Now, this is a passing sentence in reference to someone she met who is a member of the Mohawk's Bear Clan. But, I read it and my internal reaction was an immediate affirmation, "Yes of course. That's why I named him Great White Bear of the North when he came all the way across the great Eastern Sea." And the moment I had that reaction, it completely stopped me in my tracks my internal affirmation at reading it written that clearly and succinctly about the way that the members of the Iroquois nations viewed bear as a totem medicine in a completely different context. Because... Reading it like that, it flashed me back to a past life memory... Of one of our lives a long while back now. When the Vikings first came over here to interact with the native tribes. When he literally crossed oceans left behind the known world of his time guided solely by the pull of the bond to find me where I'd gone when I gave up on the colonialist Roman Paullene Christianity. And I was reminded and remembered the first time I named him what is closest translated to Great White Bear from the North -- I remembered not just memories from that life which I've recalled before but I remembered that I was the one who gave him that name and why I gave it to him in that life. Because he was but also his nature is protecting his people and the keeper of medicine knowledge -- no matter how far he has to go to track it down. 

And. While I can't say WHEN he would have been remembering his past lives, if they've just always been there in him the way I've always remembered mine this life, him calling himself bear and self identifying with the polar bear to the extent that it's the form he shows up as his truest soul self in shared dream space.... That only happens by a conscious choice remembering and wanting another life in that energy and shared life path lessons. 

And I'm an idiot for not recognizing that before this. 

Because I remembered that life and I remembered how he got that name in that life but I never really considered the profound STATEMENT he was making to me specifically in THIS lifetime by grafting it onto his identity of who he is and chooses to be so deep that it's how his soul shows up in spirit dream forms.

I don't know how I chalked that up as a coincidence, not a very decisive bold statement conscious choice from the truest parts of his soul. I DID say that I have blind spots in what i see/know for all my gifts and all, but damn.... That's a rather fucking big blind spot Dani! And one I should have seen if I hadn't been running the unexamined premise that he most likely doesn't remember/feel the bond the way I do or doesn't actually want it this life the way I do....

And as to why I've been running that unexamined premise.... I said I'd think about it and I have been. And I can't promise to arrive at the CORRECT answer or any answer I LIKE, I certainly don't have the hubris to claim "if I just think about it, I will inevitably and always arrive at the right answer" and I sincerely hope I NEVER have that sort of hubris in me.... Seriously though.... But I can promise to always do my best to be as intellectually honest as I'm capable of being in examining it with the best information/tools at my disposal. Which doesn't mean I can't end up at completely bullshit wrong conclusions, especially if I have bad unexamined premises in the mix of information I'm working with, but it means I'll do my best and keep doing my best to arrive at what kernels of truth I can find regarding any questions I say I'm going to examine.

I think that part of me doubting and questioning whether the bond runs both ways and if he remembers is just because.... So few people have strong gifts or remember their past lives (let alone the past lives of other people they're connected to) that it just felt... statistically improbable... to believe we both would in the same life in such an anti-spiritually connected era. It's easier to chalk it up to coincidence than to believe we defy the odds in BOTH remembering our past selves and feeling the pull between us this same lifetime.  I mean, I know I tend to shake loose past lives and catalyze lessons still to be learned/remembered in people who encounter me, but I've never felt like I did that for him -- he already knew and remembered. He didn't need me to shake his psyche to remember, he just did on his own because it was already shaping what he was seeking what he was seeking for himself and how he set about finding it BEFORE our paths physically crossed.... 

I think the other reason I can find in me for doubting/questioning if he knows and remembers and feels it too lies in other past lives between us that need to be healed where he either DIDN'T remember or didn't choose me and there's still a "once burned twice shy" fear in me that he might hurt me by doing that again this life. I don't consciously THINK that's true about this life, but self preservation based fear of pain is irrational, as long as it's anywhere inside me there's a risk of me pulling away or self-sabotaging because I don't want to be hurt that way again. And I can try to be aware of it, but I can't promise I can pull it out so it doesn't well up from the subconscious react before my consciousness and desires can catch up recognize it and rein it in.... I'll try to work on it from within, but, the truth is that the best way to heal fears (even old fears) is by proving they're unfounded and wrong. And I won't say it's EASY to keep trying be consistent from the place of love when someone self sabotages pulls away, because it hurts to feel rejected in any form, but that's also the best advice I have for how to help me from outside my subconscious, y'know?

I did TELL you I was going to chew on considering that question exploring why I continue to doubt he remembers or feels the intensity of the bond as well. Just because I haven't been writing about the torturous ins and outs of my contemplating it trying to find the answer doesn't mean I haven't been working at the question inside myself. I can't promise I'm not missing something crucial or that should be really obvious except to me somehow, but I'm doing my best from within my own self and what I have at my disposal to unravel the unexamined assumptions in me that I have seen are shit stupid for me to have and that I really need to examine the where and how and why of them being there.

And I'm not saying I'm DONE thinking on this set of questions about why I'm so quick to assume/accept thie line of thinking -- this is just what I have so far examining it these recent couple days.

There was another passage that resonated with me not about my internal questions/soul journey but about this moment of humanity as a whole and the nexus point(s) we are at collectively -- and that was the passage about the myth of the twins playing for the world in a game of peach pit and how it took all Creation crying out together for a chance to live to make it land white side up.

It reminded me too much of the bet made in shifting the rules for all of humanity's youngest souls to decide the fate of humankind as a vehicle for incarnations.