Ufgh. Audrey Pupburn was tired and wanted to go to bedtime snuggles and my body was tired so I figured why not. Only after snuggle time was over and Audrey asked I put her on the floor to sleep (ever since she tore her CCL, jumping off the bed isn't something she or I want her doing) I've just been laying here in the dark listening to the piano music and not able to sleep. Every time I close my eyes, all I can see and hear are the conversations I want to someday have and had hoped to have with Eric down different fatelines than the ones we're on.... And the me in them isn't even always the me right now and he's not always the him right now, many of them are future versions of us, are futures that could be of us. All they have in common are that they're conversations while holding each other. And they all feel so real because they ARE real down other fatelines, they still could be if we just choose a path to get to them. And tonight they feel so much closer to manifesting into the real than they have in years....yet I don't see the way to make them real, I don't see anything I can do to flip the odds into the favor of those future versions of us, and while I'd choose them without any hesitation if I could and tonight they feel so tantalizingly close to becoming real, I have no idea what I can say or do so they don't disappear again into all the fate lines that could have been but were never chosen..... And I don't see a way for me to make them mine but I ache so much to not lose them again. And every time I close my eyes try to relax I to sleep, there's another one of them there in the liminal space between waking and dreaming.
And they all feel so tantalizingly close tonight. Like if I can just find the right thing to say or do, I can bring them into complete focused manifestation and sooner than I ever dreamed of....only I don't know how to do that or what I can say to get past the obstacles created that shifted is down this set of fatelines instead of those.
*sigh* it's the witching hour as the veil (all veils, not just between living and dead, but all the barriers) is thinnest and it's between eclipses so fated rapid changes are de rigueur until after the full moon eclipse next Weds. But.... it's just.... It's so real right now and those futures are so much brighter and clearer and closer than they've been in years and I just don't know what I can do to hold on to them or help bring them closer and closer until they're the only fatelines there are..... And I'm so frustrated between the wanting and the not knowing how to make real those shared futures.
I wish I knew why they're suddenly so much more probable and closer to becoming real right now tonight..... And I wish I knew what I could do or say to help make it truer and truer until those paths are the most inevitable ones. (or at a bare minimum what I shouldn't do or say, I get myself in much trouble this life more often than not by speaking hard truths whose time hasn't yet arrived) But I don't know what I could do to bring them brighter and close enough we can keep them make them real memories of the future that will be instead of glimpses into futures that could be.
They're beautiful but maddening because they're elusive and illusory, not solid and real. And I can't get past them into the true dreaming right now. Maybe I should go make some tea and re-light the candles and read for a bit if sleep insists on being so allusive and the fatelines I desire insist on taunting me that they can almost be brought back into the probable if we just actively choose them and do.... Something... But I don't know what that something is. I'm missing that piece. I'm missing the piece that explains to me why tonight they're clearer and brighter and more real as possible futures than they've been in years. And I'm missing the piece that tells me what needs to be done to keep them, to choose them as the only set of fatelines we will walk this life..... And no matter how I wrack my brain or search my heart, I don't know what those pieces look like or even the shape of them -- but I know they're needed as part of the choices that will lock down these fate lines and make these futures the most probable for me and for him.
And. I'm so scared, with how dim and improbable those fatelines became these last years that if I can't find those pieces, these fatelines could get lost completely if we move beyond the nexus points where we could choose them but we never fell we have the choice to make. But how can I find those pieces if I can't even figure out what they are? What they even look like? What if I don't recognize them or because of my own blinders and subjective views don't see them even though they're right fucking there if I'd just see them for what they are.... And I'm so afraid of us both falling into choices that make it so those futures that could be never become real... Of completely losing any path to make those fatelines real. There's very little in this life or any other that scares me, but somehow the thought of missing all the chances and just erasing those fatelines out of ever being scares me more than anything else. Because of the emptiness that will be there where those should be and should have been.
How is it I can be more scared of something that doesn't yet exist never coming into existence than of all the myriad real and present dangers to me in this all too real world falling into the self-destruction of late stage capitalism? Why is it the loss of futures that never yet we're that scares me more than all the precogs I have of what's coming on the societal and global world shaking stage? Is that fucked up? Wait, should probably rewind and ask if the precogs and my ability to sometimes see fatelines and shift choices to avert ones I don't want or bring into reality ones I do want is fucked up..... Because that basic premise is all I know this life, but also it's a subjective lens most people don't have. And certainly don't have as a basic premise to existence that certain futures are like memories and others you can choose between and find the place to shift to get you down the better futures.....
But it does scare me. Deeply terrifies me to think of the loss and disappearance of those personal futures that still have not been made real.....
[Post title: lyrics to the Florence & The Machine song Ship to Wreck.]
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