I've not got much to say here recently unless you want to know about my daily. Yesterday was the last symphony orchestra weekend of the year, the theme was Fiesta Finale and it was actually a really great one to end on. Long with four different piece ending with a Grammy award winning mariachi band as well as the end of the first half guest musicians who is most famous Mexican pianist who played the most gorgeous atmospheric Romantic piece (a Mexican composer who studied in Europe was besties with Liszt and was very much in the style of Chopin, Franck, and Liszt.) It was a great performance to end with, especially because the last one was all of Verdi's Requiem and it's just soooo boring repetitive musically... But this month was particularly good! and I still have half my porta rajas burrito and the remaining chips and salsas for dinner tonight for Cinco de Mayo!
Earlier today I heard back today from skylar that the Wausau show didn't have tickets available (even though it's still listed as available) and there actually aren't any other of the days nearby that work with the other things I have going on,even with all the Minneapolis shows. I'm free on many of the off days but the days of the shows but the other shows that wouldn't require longer drives and overnights (which would be a weird thing to do for a house concert at a strangers house) are nights I'm busy. It's just the way that the dates chosen land. That was actually the ONLY date that easily worked (and it would have been my fourth night in a row of shows, only one in Madison) and I was told that there aren't tickets available for it so I accept that wherever the tour takes Eric and whatever he's looking for from it, it won't include me and I won't be there to share in whatever that experience is. Which is what it is. I did do as promised, I looked at the dates and what actually worked for my schedule (I'm not busy much NOW but once we get to the solstice, my schedule gets CRAZY til the solstice) and to fill out the form for what would work. And while it works for me, it isn't going to happen and that is how the reality shapes out. It does incline me, especially since I saw the email and read it at 11:11 on the 5/5 portal, toward paying attention to blocks being "rejection is redirection is protection" idea and accepting that for whatever reason this isn't the timing and I should be working on letting him go wishing him well wherever his life takes him (or at best simply accepting the isness of things in this current space-time nexus and focusing on what IS in my life during this time rather than what chooses not to be in my life.) And to just not let him or his tour or what he's going through be centered in my focus since it's not actually in my life at this point or in the near future and so my focus should be on what is or could be or WANTS to be in my life. There is an art and a beauty in letting go gently of what isn't meant for you and between everything with the girls in the band ostracizing me making me feel unwelcome at their shows any longer and now even just trying to attend a solo show of his being blocked by timing and literally being told "no, you can't come" even if in the nicest way you can phrase that but really skylar's job with the way this tour is setup is to be the one to say, "no you can't come, you can't sit at this table" or to connect people to the hosts to invite them figure it out but to be the one who decides who can and can't come. Once again it's not him saying it, but it's him creating a system whereby he has other people deciding for him "no you can't sit at this table" and the pattern is weirdly the same even if the means of it happening are different. It's just making me feel that the Universe is nudging me to remind me "rejection is protection" and to help me let go of what isn't meant for me so I can be more open to what is. It didn't even sting this time, more sadness and acceptance but not surprise because I didn't SEE me at any upcoming house shows of houses I have never been to given the choices people have made and are making -- but it didn't even hurt this time, felt more confirmation of the same patterns from the past of when he allows others to speak for him or in his name and how it excludes me (and others) from opportunities of connection or being in his life. It would be easier if I could cut the cord of the bond or make it go to sleep, but I can just not let me focus on that connection let it be without either blocking it or putting energy into it from my end, simply letting it be there while I focus on what IS in my life and chooses to be a part of my life in this lifetime while I'm here. Not as a forever no, but as a "rejection is protection" he's not yet ready and hasn't grown enough so the old patterns are still repeating -- so the timing isn't now. Focus on what is in your now and wants you enough to choose you and welcome you.
Today was Brian's celebration of life. He was my dad's best friend through most of my life, at least since my grandfather's death, even though he's known my dad since before I was born and his wife Jeannine is my Aunt Linda's closest friend. So they and their family have always been chosen family woven through my life this life -- me and my sister and my cousins were the only kids other than their son Brandon and their niece Jessie (who is a year or so younger than me) who were allowed at the new year's and midsummer parties. So Brandon and Jessie (especially Jessie) were like cousin-friends unrelated to me who I saw twice a year (though Jessie and I were in Camp Shalom together across many sessions and years of our attending it) who I hadn't seen in a long time and saw today. Also lots of actual family and friends who are family. Including Colleen who is a close friend of Jeannine (and my Aunt Linda) and who I hadn't seen since I was in elementary school but she remembered my energy and she was like, "You look exactly like you did back when you and Keith were kids, just taller. Your energy is the same and your face hasn't changed at all." Keith and I went to elementary school and middle school together and our last names are right after each other so whenever we were in the same classes or had grade wide events or in the lunch line, he and I were always lined up alphabetically by each other. Apparently he and his wife Holly are doing well and they're in Kentucky, lol. Anyway, Colleen is the one who brought in her jeweler's microscope and a bunch of gems when I was in elementary school and since she and her husband are jewelers, she remembers my interest and joy in gemstones and crystals and we talked a bit today about gemstones/crystals as well and also wire wrapping and jewelry making. And because I am an empath healer, I'm used to people coming up to me to tell me their life story (I carry a LOT of hard stories in me that aren't mine to tell but which i carry because I took them in to observe and help another soul, even a stranger's soul, carry the weight of their life path) or what needs healing light on it so a lot of different people wanted to come over and tell me about their dreams where Brian visited them after he passed and to get some advice about things that they're dealing with including a mom nearing retirement age whose college aged kid just came out as trans was kicked out of the house by the dad and how she's navigating and helping other parents through understanding and coping with it and discussing how she intuitively understands it more than her husband as someone who believes in reincarnation and can remember being both male and female in lives even though she can't remember the lives themselves. (Brian and Jeannine and their groups of friends they welcome in are all soul lights spiritually open people in my forms -- remember I said I grew up in a family on both sides and friends of family groups where in all of them wyrd gifts and reincarnation memories and astrology/tarot and intuitive knowing and mediumship are just accepted and openly discussed as part of ones experience of being a soul in a human body. Like, the Friday night dance parties Jeannine hosts and my Aunt Linda always attends includes psychic DJs of spirits visiting while between lives making requests.) Anyway, it was nice being at the holy monastery for the remembrance of life and in the company of so many that I have known since I was a kid there to celebrate the joy and open armed love of Brian and their whole family and groups of friends they took in as family but not by blood.
And it was just an interesting contrast between the "rejection is protection" reply coming form Eric's tour management account versus the welcoming arms and open spiritual discussions and shared memories and love and hugs and people who ACTIVELY want me in their lives whenever our paths cross. The difference between that repeated "rejection is protection" ostracism that I keep receiving from everyone Eric chooses to allow to represent him and speak for him and the open armed welcome and dancing energy exchange where I go where I am invited and welcomed and wanted.
Also. I've been delving into what the hunting thing was right before the eclipse. It's what I do with myself this life. In my wandering path my life takes me, I choose to heal and clean up and fight whatever I encounter that I have the skills/gifts/allies to cleanse and heal and fight that not many currently incarnating souls n know how to do. It started because I didn't know what to do with myself this reward life, nothing called to me as what I wanted to build my life around and Eric just never showed up like he promised he would and then when he did he never chose me and he allowed others to ostracize me not even feel welcome to give any opportunities for connection to grow rather than wither between us. And this is something I have a very niche set of abilities to do that not many people can do or should get involved in and if you've known my soul in any life you know I never back down from a fight, no matter the odds, in the name of what needs to be done to bring more light into whatever space/time I'm alive in. It's a different form with me dealing with unincarnated spirits that feed on the light and souls of the living who let them attach to them because thy serve their own emptiness or the unwinding of this Universe rather than furthering the unfolding of the Creation and soul light through it. So once that came to try to hunt me, whatever it was, it wasn't something I could stop myself from trying to deal with. I can retreat to regroup for a better battleground, but I will NEVER back down from standing by what is true and what is right and fighting all the light eaters that cross my path.
Anyway, what I HAVE known about it is 1) it's not visible to eyes or spirit other than the sense of being hunted by something that wants to hurt you approaching but it IS something you can hear coming if you have clairaudient gifts so you can have warning of its approach if you listen 2) I once knew what it was but I no longer do 3) I was told very clearly by those I have asked in dream space about it that to focus on it, especially in fear/anxiety, calls it to you so if I'm going to try to face it or hunt it I need to do it without fear for myself or any others 4) no matter how long I shuffle my tarot decks asking about it, no cards whatsoever will pop out from ANY of my five decks and if I force cut the deck pull cards all I get is The Devil and occasionally Death but mostly the Devil. When I asked my only oracle deck, the only card it will give me for advice is to go ask the elves/seelie. But while I can feel them all around me watching me, they're hiding from me and unless I'm ready to go ride with them or attend court in my dreams rather than wandering shamanic dream space I won't find any Seelie powerful/old enough to be willing to discuss this with me, whatever it is. And I was randomly busy dealing with the fridge on Beltane and so while the fée were all around me, I ended up missing the window of time the ball was held unable to sleep during it to go consult them -- so now I have to wait til the balls around the solstice to consult them unless I can wander my way to one of the higher ups which I can only do if we both want it 5) I realized while on the drive back from St. Louis for the eclipse trip, this particular entity, safety against it is not to be out by yourself alone when it is walking/hunting/looking for a living soul to hurt
Anyway, on Sat morning while I was restless again feeling I needed to be somewhere else doing something important but I didn't know where or what only that I wasn't where I need to be for the sake of the fatelines, I did some more delving clue seeking. And I found some things of what I knew but knew so long ago I had forgotten and some things past me intuitively gathered knowing I would need them and clues for places to help guide me and give me answers and warn me. And I have some research to do up in Sauk County (which if you don't know about Sauk County and its paranormal connections, not even just Arkham House being there, as a nexus of ley lines and history for a lot of things, it's far too long for me to tell you everything about it. But there are times where even where I'm protected I am told clearly that I can't linger beyond certain times when the veil is so thin because I won't be safe given the darker things that walk there. There are just times even those protected aren't safe up there -- you are safest by not having any powerful gifts or any soul light that shines too bright.)
Anyway. I recognize all the warnings around whatever this is and I'm a little bit cautious about what I know I knew and have forgotten -- but also if this is walking then it needs to be tightened back in the chains it belongs in so it cannot walk at will when the veil is thin and the moon is dark (though it cannot be destroyed or even sent back to the light for judgement) even if this will cost me to be the one pursuing this dealing with it. Hopefully it won't require channeling so much energy through this physical form that it burns out this body, but if it does I'll catch ya in another life. I can't leave this walking especially with how hard it is to see/sense. It will cause too much harm if it's left without marking its exact time/space breaking through and lighting that up on the celestial all time all isness map... My GOAL is to find it and mark the place and call in the allies who can do what needs doing, but that doesn't mean I won't have to defend myself or try to fight it or burn through this body too much energy or put myself in a lot of danger with this one. This is a big whatever it is I knew but can't remember.
But anyway, I have some leads and clues for research and tracking for the whatever it is/was. And I intend to put my energy into pursuing this and hunting it over the next month and a half. Even if the Seelie are watching over me closely right now but won't come to answer my questions even in dream space unless I come to court ball properly. And I don't know if there are any before solstice time ones. We shall see.
Anyway. I'm going to stop thinking about this for now -- whenever I think too long on it my dog starts whining, even in her sleep, and if I'm at home my cat won't let me leave when I spend too much time/energy focusing on this. This was today when I had to leave for the funeral and the cat wouldn't let me leave til I promised them both I wasn't planning to do anything stupid TODAY and that I'd see him later tonight when I came home.
Am I smart enough to drop it and just be glad I survived that night it was hunting me and stay where I know I'm safe and protected and let it hunt without me doing anything about it? Naw. I ain't that cowardly. But the line between bravery and foolhardy is thin. And I ain't certain which side of it I'm on with this one given how hard a time I'm having remembering from my past selves or getting information about it. My angelic and old gods/goddess and fée allies are all surrounding me protecting me but they ain't giving me answers or willing to talk to me about this whatever it is.
So I'll just give you this poem that was just shared by The Smart Witch and gave me some intuitive pit of the stomach, look up this poem when i read it earlier tonight. Maybe it's nothing, maybe it's just a beautiful poem, but I'm going to go look it up now.
"Chapter One: The Dawn and the Dread
by Douglas Laurent,
On Kari, Valkyrie, Cold Steel Eternity
Heartbeat, heartbeat comes from Valhallan way,
To
meet down in judgment, to ply its trade.
Two →swords← to join in worthy cross,
Actions to be rendered, one to be lost.
She did come now from ’yond northern slope,
A day of reckoning did she again once hope.
A devout meeting was her qwesterly bane,
To stay her hand was to go insane.
St. Kari of the Blade to meet her past,
A wicked enemy, peerless of match.
Rode Kari she her charger on down,
Past the Dead Land where Gaul sat crowned.
A killing job, yea, she desired to lastly kill,
To set things right so her heart might lie still.
Upon the mist and roaring plain,
She entered in, a soul uncontained.
A fierce wind in deed, and forever freed,
Enemies she annihilhates (’tis hur’ creed).
Her own advanced guard of a sort,
Multitudes to follow in her report.
Know this Valkyrie from on cold,
An ancient maiden soft and bold.
A warrior spirit from Ages past,
A fragmented mind like broken glass.
Solid in stature this eternal framed being,
Yet crippled within from internaled bleedings.
A sword saint so refined in the poetic art,
A noble character yet with a banshee’s heart.
Rhythmed horse now to the beats,
Kari emboldened amid the sleet.
Beyond the mountain she does come,
Unto southern fields wherein rules hot sun.
Far from that murderous Deadlands ground,
The land up swells; the dead still abound.
Traverses she those bygones of leprous civilizations
Those cities crumbled by the exhalted of oblivions.
Stark traces etched now bare in the land,
That are no more again, save dust in the hand.
A cool stream now in desert sans
(Does more good when one is damned).
Stopped she her mount to admire the flow,
A lovely stream with skeletons packed below.
Blue air whisps; dragon flied motion.
Flintsteel striking!!! Sparked of commotion.
Cold water chortles rushtish with tint,
Told of past carnage, it whetted her glint.
Fallen warriors, they are no more,
Swirls and eddies mark their discord.
Gurgled shouts slung and gathered,
Faces glazed while steel lathered.
Refreshing though it was to her mouth,
She smelled an air; she flared about.
Came up that ridge of loud, sanded hill,
Below a man and his half-score of kills.
Kari’s eyes waxed in smug contempt,
Possibilities ran deep with no repent ..."
Also this poem from A Solitary Witch (a closed group so I didn't share it to my wall) :
"When the lamb becomes the lion –
And the prey becomes the huntress –
Everyone acts surprised.
As if they did not see her coming.
As
if they did not place the salt on her wounds.
As if they did not cut her open, open her wide –
Expect her to swallow her defeat.
They should’ve learned
A long time ago
Exactly who she was.
You saw the scars.
You saw the battle wounds.
You knew she survived them.
So tell me,
What kind of woman survives this kind of war?
Only a woman who is the war.
Who brings the war with her,
Her bare naked feet filled with soot,
Scorched earth between her toes.
They tried to pour ice into her lungs –
Tried to keep the truth buried, frozen –
Tried to keep her quiet, but they forgot –
She still breathes fire
because she was made from it.
You will ask her to bow and she will climb.
You will ask her to crawl and she will rise.
You will ask her to die and she will be reborn.
You will bury her and she will grow.
You should’ve known that
This is not a woman
Who fears the wolf.
The wolf fears her.
Anyway. I'm not making choices NOW other than to focus my attention and energy and gifts where is needed and/or wanted and/or welcomed rather than where it is unwanted and unwelcomed. Well, not sure if me pursuing this entity is welcomed per se, but this is an "if not me than who?" spiritual battle and so I am pursuing it. Because that is what I do in such encounters. Especially when I lack deep roots of anyone who needs my protection needs me to stay rather than step up to the fight. For all I know, the reason the timing isn't now with Eric is because of that damn thing that sought me out chose to try to hunt my light and so now I'll be hunting it so it can't act in ways to hurt someone innocent, someone who is less aware/protected/bright shining as me. But, I don't think that's it -- I think this is just something that needs doing and so for me to do and focus on while still waiting for him because even after all these lifetimes he's still not yet ready even if he's closer than he's been in a very long long time, he still hasn't learned the lesson(s) that he needs to learn that keep us apart so we don't have to repeat his same past choices and the same past stories of the cycle that I'm hoping we're ending soon. But whatever it is, unless I'm healing/cleaning something up, you will never find me where I'm not wanted or welcomed -- and that's straightforward enough. If you want me, you need to choose me and welcome me or I'll take all my light and warmth and wander off with it to where I am needed and welcomed, whether it be for a battle or for healing/cleansing, it's where I'm needed and wanted to be that you will find me. Or where I've wandered because something called me and now I don't know why I'm here but I'm here to find out why until I head to where I'm next needed/wanted.
On verra. But for now, I'm going to stop talking about it, put on something happy to sing and dance to and get some work done and maybe heat up my leftovers and reset me before I go water any plants. (I think just the melodramatic ones need it, the others still have a lot of moisture in them. But no matter how many or few, you go to care for the plants with a light heart that can listen to their wants and needs and return to them love for love, otherwise your attempts at care or actually harm when it comes to green baby care. )
[Post Title: lyrics to the Florence & the Machine song Ship to Wreck.]
