I still don't know what was in such flux yesterday that it was shifting all the fate lines.... It seems to be settling down into one of the sets, but everything is still quite unclear and cloudy. And I don't know if it's fully settling down or just a temporary rest.... 

As far as precogs go, the only clear one I still have (personal or global) is the one from the vision dream Michael showed me about the volcano going off somewhere in the Asian Pacific on an island near to a population center. But I don't know how soon or how far away in time that is.... Only that when it happens, it's going to cause some massive shifts.  I just know it's the only definitive immutable precog I currently have. 

It's probably not particularly reassuring that that's the only precog I currently have given the seismic unrest all around the ring of fire right now. But that's the only precog I have right now. They'll come back as the fatelines settle, they always do, but this was a big flux event, enough to shake things up intensely ....

I suppose though, if you wanted to happy surprise me so entirely that I absolutely did not see it coming, right now is a good time to do it when I have no precogs because of the massive agitation and fluxes within the fate lines. No idea when the fate lines will settle enough for the precogs to start up again. 

I do expect October (especially mid to late October) to be full of politics related bombshells and violence, even more than September, based on the astrology coming up. But that's not precogs, that's just the mess of the midterm elections and Mars going retrograde while everything else is retrograde while still within the Pluto return of the USA....  

 The fatelines have been shifting wildly and erratically and unexpectedly all of Saturday and today.... In the last hour or so they started moving so much it's giving major nausea/vertigo and migraine. (Overuse of gifts can be a migraine trigger for me. Even if it's reactionary pulled out of me by other energies, the power/energy voltage flowing down the neurons can be one of my migraine triggers.) 

Something significant is about to happen. The only thing is, the whirling is so rapid and enormous that right now I can't tell if it's personal or global, positive or negative. All I know is that it will create a clear definitive before and after whatever event is coming.

It's not like my typical precogs. I'm too close to the nexus, the rivet point, and the potential fatelines so divergently different that are fluxing back and forth that I can't see WHAT it's about, only that it is coming and it will shift and change everything depending on which way the penny falls..... 

But I'm too close to the fatelines too different and the flux too rapid for me to get any glimpse of what it is. I only know it's going to happen soon enough it's making me I'll and that it will mark a clear delineation of before and after.... I'm going to try to sleep now, sometimes it's easier to be unconscious when you're a precog and fatelines are too wildly in flux .... This is one of those times. 

 Yay!!!! Audrey's platelet count is well back in normal levels!!!! I started tapering her back on her Prednisone from half pill twice daily to half pill every eighteen hours when I realized that she was down to her last 12 half pills. On Friday I talked to Erin (her vet) and brought Audrey in for another CBC and we renewed another 30 count of Prednisone for her to take half pill once daily as the tapering off process (if you stop a dog from prednisone too suddenly it can damage their heart and their adrenals and cause an onset of Cushing's Disease.)  Current plan is to continue at half pill every day and run another CBC in two weeks to make sure her levels all look good before tapering her dosage down further. 

Anyway, this is very good news!! We don't know exactly why it happened, but her platelet count being back in normal range is great news! 

I'm gonna go make some coffee and breakfast now. I'm heading to New Berlin today because yesterday morning I had a bit of light headedness and migraine before the front moved in and while the air quality wasn't good...not a bad migraine, just the sort that if I pushed it I knew it would get bad. Crissy also had a headache yesterday morning so she was happy to not go to Farmer's Market as we'd intended. 

So breakfast and then heading to orchard late morning. (Weston's Home stand doesn't open til noon.) Then checking in on the cat and then working with the dogs and watching the game at work until whenever I head to my parents house.

Also. I started the process of making coffee then took the dogs out back, but the coffee maker is slow af at my parents house. Had barely even started.... So I sat down to doom scroll and dm with Mikaela for a bit. This is Audrey's opinion about me halting the brekkie making process (especially since she knows it includes me making eggs.) 

Just a little emo there Miss Audrey Pupburn.

Ain't nobody can out-emo a Pisces when a Pisces goes emo.... 😆 And over half my pup's chart is in Pisces.... 🤣 She is so emo she can out emo Morpheus the King of Dreams in The Sandman. 

Also. When Sophie saw me bending over to take pictures of Audrey she wanted to be included. And then when she realized there was no food involved she got SUCH attitude. 

I'd best go pour me some coffee and cook up some eggs before emo and attitude stage a revolt in the name of breakfast. 🤣

~*~*~*~

O, just because I don't trust or believe in his ethics after three years of him taking part in intentional acts of bullying via ostracism doesn't mean that I consider his ethics BAD. I just find them inconsistent and malleable to peer pressure, especially peer pressure from defensive motives trying to rationalize them. I recognize there are many in this world with worse ethics or who rationalize far worse behaviors. 

But here's my issue. Intentional acts of cruelty are my red line. Always. Nothing justifies intentional cruelty, especially repeated acts of intentional cruelty. And all forms of ostracism, all forms of bullying are inherently acts of knowing intentional cruelty. 

And the thing is, the ability to rationalize your cruelty, to try to justify it or defend it, is the same process of othering that leads to worse and worse acts of rationalized cruelty. As soon as you create an "us" vs "them, and "inside" group vs and "outsider" group you are performing the same psychological and philosophical elision that allows ever more destructive acts of cruelty.... The PROCESS of rationalizing ANY dehumanizing, and bullying, any intentional acts of cruelty is always the same -- and the longer you allow yourself the pattern of that rationalizing the worse and worse the behaviors you will condone as long as it is done to someone you've arbitrarily excluded from "your" group. 

And that's a philosophical ethics weed that is so poisonous and so pernicious that anyone who will foster it and allow it in them is an immediate red flag. 

Do you have to have the courage to stand up to bullying and calling it out as wrong? I mean I see silence as complicity, a bully's behavior RELIES on the fact most people remain silent from the fear they don't want to become the targeted "other" to be bullied. But I understand why most people aren't willing to stand up call it out as I do whenever and wherever I see it. But the moment you choose to be taking an active part in the bullying, in the "you can't sit with us" behaviors or the "be sure to follow us on socials" constant barrage of commentary from the exact people who made it impossible to follow on that socials because they didn't like hearing your honesty that you wouldn't attend shows with country music because country twang is physically painful to your synesthesia? That's active and intentional acts of cruelty. It's intentionally taking part in maintaining an "us" and a "them" dynamic, it's knowingly rationalizing ostracizing and othering  rather than treating everyone as equals and humans. Choosing to take an active roll in maintaining the bounds of bullying via ostracism is the same mental gymnastics that makes people look away and justify acts of intentional cruelty.... It's the mental process that makes people stop seeing immigrants, Jews, people of other races, LGBTQ+, women, etc as being human the way you see yourself and those in your group. And once you no longer see someone as being human, once you have othered them, then you start to justify any act of cruelty you do because it's not like you were doing it to a member of your "in" group. 

That's why I have no trust and nothing but the honesty of decrying acts of ostracism and bullying and taking active part in intentional cruelty. Because the mental process of the rationalizing once you create an "us" v "them" mentality that excludes and others people to place them outside your "in" group. And if you're able to do the elision that makes the rationalizing of othering okay, then under the right peer pressure, you'd be willing to rationalize ever worse cruelties to make sure you stay included in the "in" group. It's the same fear that has always fueled lynching and witch hunts and pogroms and cruelty to migrants..... It's the same cowardice that instead of standing up against the othering of dividing the world into "us" v "them" chooses to take an active role in enforcing the lines that separate the others from your group by feeding the fear of ending up accused/marked in the outside group.... 

Creating system of injustice or taking active role in perpetuating the cruelty of ostracism is always an admission of your own cowardice and fear. And it's philosophically one of the most dangerously insidious rationalizations you can poison your character with.... Nothing good can ever grow from seeds of othering, nothing good grows in a dynamic that allows any form of ostracism or bullying or acts of cruelty to be done its name. 

And anyone who can't see that, anyone who chooses to take active part in enforcing and maintaining the lines of othering is someone you can't trust. Because you don't know how deep the poison of that rationalizing has sunk into their psyche -- you don't know what terrible things they will justify under peer pressure so as not to end up on the outside of the "in" group.... You can't trust anyone who takes part in ostracism or bullying or acts of intentional cruelty. You can't trust anyone who draws the lines of "us" vs "them" and excludes and others people to be outside their own tribe. Because the mental process of the rationalizing the dehumanizing is always the same, and anyone who chooses to be complicit in it will justify all sorts of horrible things rather than find themselves on the "other" side outside the group by calling out wrongs as wrong..... 

All he has done for the over three years now since he's know about the fact that a system of ostracism was created in Delta Rae's name on their Instagram account, EVERY time he has gone live on the band's Instagram and EVERY time he has shared anything from the band's posts or stories so he shows up as "story unavailable" and EVERY time he has chosen to be the one to actively film or post a story exclusively there, is to tell me that he can't be trusted because he is able to rationalize him taking active part in acts of bullying and intentional cruelty. That he doesn't take a stand against those who separate "us" vs "them" but instead he's okay with the process of rationalizing the dehumanization of anyone places as the outsider, the other. And that means he can't be trusted to ever do the right thing in the face of peer pressure when the group turns on or attacks anyone who has been arbitrarily forced to be "outside" the group rather than a part of the "in" group of toxic tribalism. He has spent three years teaching me with constant reminders he can't be trusted because of his willingness to do wrong and to rationalize cruelty and othering when peer pressure is applied. So without knowing how deep the poison goes in him, he has been teaching me that he can't be trusted not to do any wrong, any cruelty, against those dehumanized into the "other" if pushed to do it so he can be a member of the "in" group.

And for me, that's an ethical red line. That's a test of character he has failed due to his actions, his choices, his rationalizations. Nobody made him take such an active role in defending and maintaining the lines of "us" v "them" -- he internalized the rationalizing deeply enough he saw no wrong and no cruelty in his actions. Which is precisely when I don't feel I can trust him and I don't believe that he cares given he can rationalize his own acts of bullying and cruelty. If he cared, he wouldn't allow himself to be manipulated that way, he wouldn't take active part in the acts of intentional cruelty. And yet, for three years now, he has. Ergo I have no faith he genuinely cares or could care about me, especially when he so easily has been able to rationalize cruelty and dehumanizing othering. His actions have shown consistently that I'm just an "other" to him and he doesn't even care enough to recognize the wrongs he's taken active part in perpetuating, the bullying he has knowingly condoned and taken part in. I have no faith And no trust in him because he has taught me not to -- and nothing but his choices can have me unlearn that to teach me anything else. 

Whatever the intentions behind his choices, that's all I heard from him each and every one of those times he acted the way he has regarding the band's Instagram -- that because he can rationalize his part in an active role of  bullying, I can't trust him and I can't believe he might actually care about me or the consequences of his actions. That's the message I have received loud and clear from his actions since August 2019 when I directly informed him of why going live on the band's Instagram was a problematic choice since (at least) October 2018.... It's what I've heard every time. And it's all I've heard from his actions involving his use of the band's stories/going live or sharing to his personal account from the band's Instagram account. For over three years now.....

*shrugs* perhaps I ought to feel grateful to Britt and Liz for creating this situation and to everyone who has spun him to help him rationalize his taking part in their system of ostracism and bullying. Because it means I saw this before letting myself get any closer or invest any more into the connection. And perhaps one of these days I will feel gratitude for the worse hurts I am saved from by this irrefutable evidence of this poison in his ethics and how malleable it is to the rationalizing of peer pressure.... But right now I'm still mourning too much for all the broken dreams. All the could have beens so long dreamt they felt like it just took the wish upon the right star to make it all real. I'm still too sad and angry and hurting over the loss and the disillusionment to feel the gratitude in his choices to spend the last three years teaching me why he can't be trusted and why I should hold no belief or faith that he might care about me....

I'm still mourning for all the dreams I've watched suffocating and nothing I've tried to keep them alive has worked and now I'm too tired and too hurt to keep trying. It's easier at this point to just let go. And pretend those dreams were never anything more than hopes and projections and illusions -- and telling myself that even if I'm still sad and lonely giving him up, I'm better off with the cold hard reality than clinging to the delusions of a lie no matter how beautiful it looked. It was never actually that beautiful, because it never actually had a chance to be anything but hopes and wishes on stars and dreams that never got further than the head which imagined them.

I realize I've been quiet here. It wasn't any sort of conscious withholding, just didn't have anything to give me impetus to write here. I haven't had much to say here for the last week or so, haven't really done all that much over this week other than relaxing into golden hours and rain autumn days and the joy of not being too busy and over committed with plans and crowds. Mostly just eating apples and drinking tea and reading and in the garden. Sometimes working and/or hanging out with friends or my parents. My parents left this morning to drive out west to visit my sister's family and stay at their Montana cabin on the way back. Plan is that Waffles is still staying with my sister's family now. So I'm currently at the house I grew up in, hanging out with two dogs, drinking tea, eating apples, watching/listening to MSNBC (currently The Last Word) and reading on commercial breaks. 

Until Sept. 29 I'll be spending the bulk of my time between work, the house with the dogs, my condo to spend some time with my cat and change and such. My only plans for this coming weekend are Farmer's Market on Saturday morning, drive to Weston's Antique Apple Orchard Home stand Saturday afternoon, and the Packers-Bears game on Sunday night. (Probably going to watch the game streaming at work to get a jump on getting hours in for the week.) Originally had been thinking to go to Muskegon Irish fest but decided against the long drive to Michigan and then if my parents were in town I'd head to Appleton for their Irish fest this weekend to see Skerryvore and Gaelic Storm, but I can't leave the dogs all alone for that long.  So quiet autumn weekend with dogs and books and apples and coffee and tea and some cooking/baking projects is my plan instead of either of those Irish fests. Next weekend got a bit more going on so the dogs will be left alone a couple times more than this weekend's errands, but not for 10+ hours like Appleton would be.  (Fri night is a Della Mae concert at Stoughton Opera House, Sat night is first symphony concert of the year. I have an extra ticket for symphony, Karissa had forgotten to put symphony dates in her calendar after committing to join Denis, Crissy, and me for the entire season so she made other weekend plans for next weekend couldn't do any of the 3 days. So if anyone wants to join us for symphony on Saturday with an extra ticket....)

 O, right and Love's Labour Lost did get cancelled due to rain and our complimentary tickets to an alternative performance are for the evening of Oct. 2. So it's like a birthday gift for Crissy and me. (Yes my bff and I are birthday twins but we have different rising signs so our identical birth charts are all in different houses. And it .makes a huge difference having your Scorpio sellout in 8th house versus 12th house or having... Also my Sag stellite is Mars and outer planets, her Sag stellite is rising and Mars and outer planets...) Anyway, we generally try to go to APT right around our birthdays but our Oct. 4 tickets for The Moors was moved due to that show date being cancelled. So we were feeling a little sad about not having any shows or concerts around birthday, but then Oct 2 was the available date for us to switch our tickets. This is the last time I let me buy my theatre tickets over Mercury retrograde -- all 3 plays we had tickets for on that order had to get moved. 😂 The Moors because they cancelled that night for the show, Hamlet because of COVID (not me but everyone else), and Love's Labour Lost due to rain. 😆  But, the good news is that after having no plans at all for my birthday and birthday weekend this year, now we have a show and a Shakespeare show at that for our birthday. 💖 So Crissy and I intend to head to Spring Green early to go book shopping at Arcadia, maybe Opal shopping at The Opal Man, drinks or dinner for me to watch at least the first half of the Packers-Patriots game (kickoff at 3:25, the play starts at 6) and we'll see if Sarah and Mikaela want to join us for the entire day as well as the play. And then my maman and I have tickets to see The Head and the Heart concert at The Sylvee the night after my birthday, Oct 3. 

So yeah. Right now, Della Mae, then symphony, then Love's Labour Lost, then Head and the Heart are what I have on my docket for shows the next few weeks.

~*~*~*~

For the record. If I genuinely believed, even the smallest tiniest bit, that me letting him go would cause him damage or hurt him (especially in irreparable ways) I would instantly change course not let me do it.  But, while intellectual honesty compels me to admit it COULD hurt him, especially with the bond pulling both ways as it does, there is nothing evidentiary that he has ever said or done to make me believe that my absence could hurt him and in fact there's plenty of things that he's done to make me believe that he simply doesn't care about me and would indeed prefer that I were to absent myself since he chooses to do things in ways that I am excluded from and have been excluded from for nearly 4 years now. I don't have enough evidence that it doesn't upset him for me to conclude incontrovertible fact it doesn't, I have to retain the doubt and the questioning so long as it's possible no matter how improbable it seems from what real world tangible evidence I have at my disposal to see.... So long as I don't know with certainty, I have to remind myself of the doubts even while I act upon what is probable and the consequences of his choices/(in)actions past and present. But if I KNEW with any degree of certainty or if I genuinely believed that the current course of letting him go wasn't what he wants and it was upsetting/hurting him, then I would find a different course. But I don't know that and I don't believe it, and so I stick to this course and remind myself to doubt rather than let implicit bias assume a truth based on me deeming something improbable but which isn't technically impossible. 

Still I would never knowingly be a source of pain to him by my actions or my choices. And no matter what he does or how his choices/actions lead to consequences of bullying against me or upsetting me, it's not in my nature or my heart to ever wish for him anything other than that he find and seize and keep whatever happiness it is he seeks for himself this life. I've never had a possessive or a jealous way of experiencing love this life, I always want those I love to thrive and grow and become the truest most joyous version of themself they are capable of being even if their pursuit of the happiness they seek takes them far from me and keeps them from being in my life in a meaningful way this lifetime..... I don't know how to love in a possessive or jealous way this lifetime..... I only know how to love in a way that desires the greatest joy and fulfillment and to become the truest version of themself in pursuit of the happiness they seek. If I'm not part of it, brilliant because I know you are doing what you love that means the most to you this life, and if I am part of it then extra brilliant because it means I'll get to see how you shine as it all unfolds in your life. But I don't have a personal need that I be at the center of it or even included in it for my love light to shine steady in joy that I know you are seeking and choosing what matters most to you and the happiness you seek in your life. Me being selfish and demanding, especially if or when my selfishness actively blocks the path of happiness another is trying to choose for themselves, just isn't something I can do without feeling really shitty and guilty about me being an obstacle to the joy the person I claim to care about COULD have in their life. 

I don't know if that's how it is for everyone, but it's how it is for me and how I love.... My love is the sort that desires those I love shine their brightest in pursuit of the happiness they seek, it doesn't demand or expect I be central or even any part of that path. If you want or need me to be a part of your life path for you to shine brightest and to reach your happiest self, make sure you let me know that for you I'm central to that unfolding, because I'll never assume it on my own.... If you don't directly tell me, I'll take your actions/choices at face value as your priorities and desires.

So anyway. What I'm saying is there's a difference between insisting on my own intellectual honesty about the unknown/unknowable, the distinction between probability and possibility, and me actually believing that he might somehow be hurt or upset over me choosing to let him go to pursue the happiness he seeks given his choices thus far and actions past/present and the consequences thereof on him and me.

And anyway. Quite genuinely, I have zero patience with bullies or anyone who uses bullying tactics and behaviors (particularly female bullying tactics such as ostracism and ghosting, especially from official accounts) and you cannot have my respect unless you stand up against ALL injustice. The closer the people who act as bullies or create systems of inequality and injustice ARE to you and your life, the louder I believe you need to speak up against the wrongness of it. If it's your own fucking family members who are guilty and you stay silent, or worse choose to TAKE PART in the wrong they do, than you're the worst sort of southern Jim Crow "bless your heart" sort who will call out strangers but stay silent when it's someone you trust or care about who is the guilty parties. Silence is complicity. Continuing to take part in rather than stand up against such behaviors means you are just as guilty as the person who doesn't show up to the rally but doesn't stand up against their family members when they do.  So BECAUSE of Eric's choices and his continuing to support and use Delta Rae's official instagram account and to share it via his, he is just as guilty as his sister for the active choices of creating the system of bullying via ostracism and the defensiveness that perpetuates it rather than confronting it and making right the wrongs done in the band's name. I am not capable of respecting him on this as a result of his failures to do the right thing when he was told about this and instead allowing the ostracism and the wrongs to continue AND his choices to actively take part in it. I don't respect him because of it and it means that i doubt and distrust EVERYTHING he says and does to try to be an ally against bullying and injustice because he's unwilling to stand up to members of his own family and band and chose silent complicity and active participation when it was done in his name.... It means that I also see everything the band has said or done since Oct 28, 2018 claiming to stand up against bullying and injustice to be acts of hypocrisy rather than acts of their ethical core. because if you won't confront it within your own house and your own family, then how do you think you can ever root out the mentality and the ethics behind it in society? You're a part of perpetuating the division and the hurts, you're no part of the healing if you won't confront such behavior patterns within your own circle.....

And it means that at the most basic fundamental level, as a Jewish woman I no longer trust that you wouldn't have turned me in 80 years ago wherever I was hiding and that I don't trust you wouldn't turn me in now under the crazy Evangelical maga nuts if I needed a medical intervention to save my life they chose to make illegal. You don't get trust unless you show you deserve it. And if you support bullying behaviors and perpetuating systems of injustice and defensive rationalizing of bullying behaviors, all you've done is tell me I would have been wrong to have ever trusted you or any of the ethics you so loudly proclaim you stand behind but when tested, you fail to even call out when it's done within your circle of friends/family or perpetuated in your name claiming in your silence that you're okay with it. Trust is something you have or you don't. if you make me distrust you by your choices/actions, there ain't no way in hell I'm going to suddenly have any trust for you while you continue the behaviors that made me distrust you in the first place. Doesn't matter what else there is about you that appeals to me -- without trust there can't be anything built that's real anyway. Trust is rather an important cornerstone of relationships.

Toxic tribalism is toxic, no matter how big or small your tribe, no matter what us vs them anyone in your tribe created. If you don't confront it call it out for being toxic and bullying and wrong because it means confronting people in your tribe and maybe getting yourself ostracized/exiled for doing the right then, then you're participating in the toxic tribalism. You're part of the toxicity. You're part of the problem. And I don't desire to have any form of toxic tribalism in my life....

And the reason I don't believe he even cares even if I must admit it's not IMPOSSIBLE is because at a fundamental core level, i do not trust him or his ethics any longer. I haven't since August 30, 2019 when he chose to go live on the account that fans were blocked from for past honesty and just ignored and ghosted the reasons he was told that was an ethical issue to do anything exclusively on the band socials while any fans were blocked from there because someone got defensive over their choices didn't want to hear the truth of the consequences of how someone else would be reacting to that set of choices. From Oct 28, 2018 is when I ceased to trust or believe in the ethics his sister and the band claim they stood behind, but it was only his personal choices in August 2019 when I told him directly about it, both publicly and privately across all his personal social media and he CHOSE to do nothing about it but to continue to support the bullying and ethics issues of going live or doing stories on the band instagram or sharing form the band instagram that I lost my trust in HIM personally as an individual and I lost my belief and faith in ERIC'S ethics. 

I will never wish anything for Eric except the absolute best, the greatest joy, all the happiness he seeks on the path he chooses for himself..... Those are the distillation of all the things I have ever wanted for him or could ever want for him. But I have no faith in his character and no trust in his ethics and he has spent the last three years teaching me that I should trust him or believe in what he claims to stand for or have faith in his ability to stand up to bullies. And all he has done recently is double down on reminding me he chooses to take an active role in perpetuating the bullying via ostracism created in the band's name on their Instagram and thus to remind me why I absolutely shouldn't trust him or have any faith in his ethics/character. Because his actions have not been those of a man of ethics he wants to be or has made claim he tries to be.

I don't believe the possibility that me letting him go for the remainder of this lifetime (not even letting myself reach for him in dream space or down the bond, no matter how tempted I feel) would cause him genuine hurt to anything but his ego because I don't trust or believe in the most basic ethics about him because of that choice and his continuing to share and do things on the band's instagram without dealing with the issue. It's just taken me this long to admit that I simply do not trust his ethics he claims to stand behind when he won't even stand behind them when wrong is done in his name by a group that he is a member of... It's just hard to say straight out you don't trust someone and their actions have made you question their ethics, y'know? Especially when everything else about them appeals to you and draws you toward them.... But intellectual honesty means a code of ethics that requires I admit that to myself and use that admission in how I make my own choices and actions from here forward. 

Anyone who you can't trust to act with integrity and speak out against bullying isn't someone worth sacrificing your ethics for or lying to yourself. No matter how fucking much you wish they were....... 

Can my beliefs on this be changed? Yeah, of course, all things change. But it would take effort and choice and actions to teach me that the ethics I've observed these last three years is no longer the ethics he chooses for moving forward. Only he can choose the sort of man he is, only he can make his choices for him.... It's not impossible, but it would take effort and choices that I see no reason to expect. It's not impossible, but from what I've observed thus far it seems improbable and not something for me to put faith in or believe in..... So it's possible, but I have no reasons to believe it probable or hold out hope for anything to alter my current beliefs about his character or ethics.... He has given me no reasons to expect that and three years of observed choices to build my current beliefs.... Not impossible, but I have no expectations he'll choose or act in ways different from what I've observed.

 So I stopped into work after getting back from Westons Antique Apple Orchard in New Berlin (heirloom apples are a weekly pilgrimage for me during their 3 month season and it takes a lot of effort by other people to get me to eat anything other than apples with occasionally some cheese and eggs and bread mixed in... From early September through mid to late November during peak Dani fée apple season as autumn turns, I eat between 15-35lbs of apples per week depending on what is currently ripe. I wish that were a joke, but it's not.... I bought 21lbs of apples today just for myself to eat. But they're also only $2 per lb if i go to the orchard soooo yeah. Also, I can bring my dog once it cools down and wander the orchard and hug all the apple trees i want that the windfalls and bees will let me near, lol. And there's the hugs and joy of a chat with Genevieve.) I had to stop here to 1) pick up my dog 2) drop Crissy at her car and 3) gift Crissy from my neverending surplus of tomatoes and herb garden. So while I was here, after Crissy left I decided to reheat my leftover pizza from the company meeting Friday night tomake sure I ate something else before going to town on apples. So I've eaten the pizza and the rain have started and my plan for the rest of the night is to go home and throw open all the windows and doors to listen to the rain and light candles and put n piano music and munch apples and drink hot tea and have a snifter (or more) of good whiskey before heading to bed. 

Right. so the pizza is eaten, the rain has started, it's time to head home now where the lonely kitteh and the whiskey await me, right? Well no. I'm just sitting here eating apples mindlessly scrolling social media BECAUSE Miss Audrey Pupburn's babysitter whenever I'm absent is Billy Joel music on randomize. Which means I can't LEAVE until there's a Billy Joel song that my heart doesn't flutter and an inescapable "O I love this song!" burst from my lips and then I wait out the song happily eating apples and scrolling social media until the song ends and then......Well see. There's the rub. because it's fucking Billy Joel and I adore 93% of his songs so much. Which means I have to catch it right at the end of the song BEFORE the opening bar of the NEXT song makes me have to stay to listen to it or it has to be one of his not brilliant songs like Zanzibar..... 

So anyway. My book are at home and so is my whiskey. And my pyjamas. And all my plans. And I COULD decide the appropriate piano music to put on when I get home IS Billy Joel mix on randomize..... All of this is awaiting me to just turn off the music and go home. But how can I do that mid song?! And how do you turn it off when you love nearly every single song and recognize it within the fiirst opening phrase of the music, often before there are even words?!

*sigh* I'll head home soon I reckon. Eventually. I'm not even working after all. As soon as I can catch the moment right or luck find me a song of Billy Joel's that I can bring myself to turn off once I recognize it.... Which will be.... Eventually?.....

Look, I know what I like and it doesn't alter not even one iota. When you figure out what appeals to me, I'm one of the most fucking predictable people you'll ever meet. But, no lie, put on some Billy Joel and have a puppy and offer me some red wine or good Irish whiskey/scotch and I'll just melt into the happiest softest most forgiving version of me. have some heirloom apples of the right sort in the fall months and you'll never be able to get me to leave.... 

So for now, since I have apples and puppy and can't bring myself to turn off the Billy Joel songs (yet, I'll find my moment dangit, I know I will! Eventually...) Here you may have some selfies of my first heirloom apples of the season and I'll even copy/paste for you my frabjously joyous facebook post text about it, lol.

 

"FIRST HEIRLOOM APPLE OF THE YEAR!!!!! FIRST HEIRLOOM APPLE OF THE YEAR!!!!! FIRST HEIRLOOM APPLE OF THE YEAR!!!!!!! ALSO SECOND HEIRLOOM APPLE OF THE YEAR!!!!! SECOND HEIRLOOM APPLE OF THE YEAR!!!!! SECOND HEIRLOOM APPLE OF THE YEAR!!!!!!!

O FRABJOUS DAY!!!!!! CALLOO, CALLAY!!

(Kandil Sinap first, Chanengo Strawberry second while waiting for my leftover pizza to finish reheating at work after Crissy left. Mostly eating the leftover pizza tonighy to make sure that I eat something besides my 21lbs of apples I'm hoping will last me until next weekend's apple orchard pilgrimage while it's the season for it. Had to stop here to get her cat and for me to pickup my dog and for Crissy to take some tomatoes and cull some fresh herbs. Mostly sage, but others as well. I'd have eaten more but my pizza was ready to be eaten. And I genuinely picked those by chance of reaching my hand in grabbing what was on top of the topmost bag.)

Also. September and October are the months I am most dramatically elvish fée and either stricken by intense wanderlust or a need for intensive hermit introvert recharge. But nothing brings out my most mischievous puckish fae sparkle joie de vivre during my most fée months quite as much as eating orchard apples in apple season. Curling up with a tree in it's dappled sunlight and a bag of orchard apples to hand and a book (or three) and a happy pupper nearby and flowers full of happy bees is and always has been and always will be one of my favorite things in the entire world!!! But also, a very close second is having candle lit with the windows/doors thrown open to the rain and a bowl of apples and my books and a cuppa hot tea and a snifter of good whiskey/scotch and sleeping fur babies nearby/curled up on me!!!!! One of these are my plans for tonight after I finish my pizza and turn off the Billy Joel mix that kept Audrey Anne Pupburn company while we went on our quest to find and usher in autumn by a visit to Westons Antique Apple Orchard with pumpkin spice lattes for the drive."

O yeah, the shirt says "Love is the most powerful magic of all." I ordered a different fantasy geeky shirt and the company accidentally sent me this one from Once Upon a Time (a show I never watched because the acting was so terrible in the 3 minutes I was able to give it a try before I had to turn it off) and the company sent me the right one told me to keep this one as well because it was easier than/cheaper than the shipping to send it back. So I love the shirt and the quote on it so much, but know next to nothing about the show except it's fractured fairytales with horrifically bad bad bad bad acting in it. But I do love the shirt and the message on it very much, and it was free and found its way to me by serendipity. So I tend to where it on days I'm feeling extra fée and happy and full of the possibilities of serendipity and magick and joie de vivre. Like apple orchard days in the fall!!!!!!!

O dear lord, but it's Scenes Form an Italian Restaurant just started!!! I love this song! 8sigh* Tim to get another apple to munch on. Maybe more than one, it's a rather lengthy song before my next opportunity to stop the Billy Joel-ness and head home.

Seriously though, you can get away with so much if you know how to pull my strings of what appeals to my heart to get me at my softest happiest most loving forgiving version of me.... It's seriously so ridiculously predictably easy.... 

Also, there is no time in my life I will ever turn down an opportunity of Billy Joel tickets unless I already have travel plans elsewhere. Just saying.  I've only seen him at Wrigley Field (twice) and Lambeau Field (once) so far.... But I'm more than willing to add to that list. 

P.S. Also my favorite song in the entire world (and it's been my favorite song since I first heard it when I was like 5 or 6 years old) is If I Only Had The Words To Tell You, an unreleased track off Piano Man. Just in case you should ever need that information. I've written here about the whys of that before. But also, it hasn't changed. It's very much my north star weak kneed favorite song of ever, because it's about the ineffability of putting deep emotions into words that aren't just cliches and so being in the moment is the only way you can hope to express even a fraction of the feelings. Also though. Libra sun and Pisces rising, I am the most deeply hopeless romantic you'll ever find -- underneath that practical logical Capricorn moon trying to boss me and my emotions around make sense of the vast seas of feelings swirling about inside me. 

Oh, and on that confessional note, it just siwtched to Big Shot. Which is a song I like but don't love and can turn off with a strong force of willpower. Ciao bye! Home to my candles and whiskey and books and apples and the rain and some piano music until I head to bed! (At some point relatively early though. I have to drop my dog off an then pickup Cirssy around 11:30 to head to Spring Green. For a 1pm showing of Love's Labour Lost that may be held in light rain or cancelled and they have to help us find other tickets no matter the price of the seats. And I should probably coffee and breakfast and change out of pyjamas before that. So I don't JUST eat apples all day long.... Luckily, with the 2.5 inches of rain between tonight and Monday night, we can't plan to picnic after the show if it goes forward, so I should be able to catch MOST of the Packers-Vikings game with the 3:25pm kickoff.... Even with the drive back and all.

 I don't want to accept it. I don't want to give up hope there's a way through. I want to rage and I want to fight anyone who's cause to this mess and I want to scream that this is not the way it should be..... And while I know that reality doesn't give a damn about my wants, still the wants and the don't wants are there in me all the same.... But it's also about what he chooses for himself. And that's the rub, that's where my wants sputter out into acceptance. Into acceptance that I'd rather he be happy than be mine and so I would make me let go and not hold him to any promises or expectations so he can pursue whatever it is that is essential to the happiness he seeks for himself this life. 

Still there's a rage and a storm inside me over this course.... And though I do my best to tame it, still it's always there raging. 

I'm going to go make coffee and cook up some Cajun potatoes and eggs for brekkie now before meeting Crissy for Farmer's Market. 

P. S.  Crissy texted me while the taters were cooking to ask if we wanted to go to farmer's market otherwise she was going back to bed. I reminded her Ironman is tomorrow and then she checked that there's a Badgers home game at Camp Randall today (the first I forgot and the second I didn't know last night when we tentatively planned we would go today) and we both had a big ole nope to that idea for this week. So I finished making breakfast then cleaned up the dishes and got dressed and took the dog on a sunrise walk which was exquisitely beautiful and found several feathers, including a small turkey quill, on our walk. 

So I guess now I'm home finishing my pot of coffee and reading and then once my downstairs neighbors are awake I'll get some laundry done until we head to Weston's Antique Apple Orchard for apples and cider. Unless I don't do the laundry until I get back. On verra. And then planning to cook up a veggie curry for dinner tonight. 

 Earlier today I hit my wall of "I'm tired of this being a thing that upsets me but nobody else cares about. I'm tired of time passing and nothing changing and Eric taking an active bullying role in the ostracism. I'm just ready to be done." it was the second day of him sitting up in my unwatched insta stories but when I clicked on it it would say "Story unavailable for you" which means he had once again shared something from the band account from which I was blocked for speaking my truth that the country music at shows would be stopping me from attending further concerts. I don't even know what he shared or why, I just know it shows up as "story unavailable for you" meaning he shared it from an account which has me blocked. And so right around 5pm I just decided I was tired of seeing it and being reminded of that old injustice so I unfollowed him. Mercury going retrograde today, all the outer planets retrograde, and the Pisces full moon late tonight/early tomorrow is probably not the best time to be giving in to impulsive choices. But here we are and it's done now. 

It was also easier for me to make that choice on impulse under the assumption that he's currently in love with someone else so my actions won't impact him really. (Yes I recognize all he said was he was falling in love with someone wonderful And technically that doesn't mean someone else necessarily. But probability says it's someone he met and is dating and probably spending the night with somewhere in the greater NYC area. The assumptions that create implicit bias are based on probability in this case. Other options are POSSIBLE, but less probable than the assumption he meant a girl he met in NYC/Brooklyn area.) Him being hurt by my decision that the current dynamic is too toxic for me to maintain the connection due to choices made in the band's name in 2018 and continued by them through the present is not a factor if we presume based on his own statement that he's seeing someone else he's in love with. Will also make distancing the bond and setting this to private for keeps an easier thing for me to see through as part of the process of radical acceptance that there's no place for me in his life this lifetime.

Could I easily undo that choice? Yeah. It's just the click of a button to follow him again if I look up his account. But, given this is an ongoing issue that has never been faced or dealt with, I don't really have a reason to do so. And after all, I did say that if/when I unfollowed him again, I'd not let me go backward and follow him again while the issues surrounding the band Instagram account exist.  And I think that is the least toxic choice for me, just not to engage with anyone or anything that reminds me of them if they're going to continue playing "you can't sit with us but we'll make sure you know everyone else is invited" bullying via ostracism games. There's nothing healthy for me that happens from allowing any such reminders or interactions to continue 

I hope you went out and saw the harvest moon tonight! She's gorgeous! I took the dog on a moonlit walk around 8pm and now we're home and I'm sitting around in a racer back tank and underwear as pyjamas, with the balcony door and windows open to listen to the crickets and frogs, candles lit and a cuppa tea and a snifter of whiskey. About to curl up to read for a bit before bed. The plan is Farmer's Market in the morning and Weston's in the afternoon before the cold front moves in. It's supposed to be rainy all of Sunday, which is not conducive to matinee tickets for Love's Labour Lost at APT....and this is a low pressure cold front supposed to sit over us bringing rain Saturday through Tuesday so not something I can easily shift. But when I called I was told that since there are no more 4 pack date, if I move the tickets early then they can credit me for the 4 pack price then charge me full price for a different day whereas if it does get rained out, they will just switch us to another available date. So I'm waiting to figure out Sunday if we're going to the play or not. Because outdoor theatre and rain don't mix. On verra. The rain reschedule will also determine how much of the Packers-Vikings game I get to watch.... (Shakespeare play is supposed to be at 1, kickoff at 3:25.) Sunday can keep it's secrets for tonight. I'll know them within 48 hours after all.

  I'm trying very hard to find a balance point. One where I hold no expectations, not even hope, for a future réunion with Eric in this life but also where my actions are not intentionally actively blocking it from happening. The blocking of it won't be by my choices, I don't want it to ever be due to my choices that he can't find me or choose me if I'm what he desires. My choices will only be for what I do with the life that remains to me in this lifetime in my wandering paths and what is open to me and how I fill my life with light and magick and love and happiness.

Mostly that is in the form of accepting that the choices that have been made for him and by him are choices that exclude me from being any part of his life and that in order to accept the choices made by him and in his name it requires I let him go and stop hoping and stop expecting and instead focus on pursuing what brings joy into my life while acknowledging that the things he does and creates are no part of what is even capable of giving me joy in this life at this point in time. (Or at least, nothing he creates as a member of Delta Rae or does while Delta Rae is central to his life for as long as Delta Rae itself stands behind choices of bullying via ostracism and particularly when he himself takes an active role in being an agent of ostracism and bullying. Which is what happens every time he shares anything from the band's Instagram account, shares anything to the band's instagram account, has ever taken part in going live on the band's Instagram account.) 

I will continue to call myself on my own assumptions that lead me to choices/actions based on implicit bias skewing my attempts at objectivity. But the process of me accepting the reality of his choices and the choices made in his name is still an ongoing process. My decision to look elsewhere for my own happiness because there is/will be nowhere in his life for me to be a part of a shared mutual happiness. And in accepting that there's no place for me in his life so I should wander my path to go wherever the light of my own joy leads me in this life.

I'll call me on my own assumptions and implicit bias whenever I see it. Out of an excess of honesty and an ethical backbone of intellectual integrity to the best of my own capabilities.  But neither my honesty about my implicit biases nor my desire to have things the way I want despite what reality has shown are going to alter my course of accepting reality as it is. Reality IS, and it's the facts of reality I have to deal with to chart my actions and make my choices for my own future -- same as anyone else. 

And the only advice I have if you want to change me from a course of acceptance and letting go and moving on is: If you don't like the consequences of your choices, then make different choices for moving forward. Different choices will create different realities. But those choices that could shift the paradigm and reality aren't my choices I can make -- I'm only in a position to accept the choices of other people's free will for their own future paths and to hold to my ethics (such as the sanctity of free will even if I dislike the consequences of choices) and guide myself by the light of what brings joy into my life. So I'm going to stick with making me face the reality we are currently in for how I will choose my present and future actions.

 O. I. well. I mean. Yes I did say somewhere in the last year or so that I needed to remember that a desire to make his options as open as possible to find the happiness he seeks requires that I don't remove or exclude myself from his options. Especially when I don't know what he wants for himself. That I shouldn't undervalue myself, especially since I may not know what current value he sets on me but I damn certain now the value he held me in the past, especially past lives and past promises. And I deserve a bop on the nose for earlier today doing just exactly what I said I need to stop doing with this connection and this bond in order to give it a chance.

And okay, yeah, he didn't write that he MET someone he's fallen in love with, just that he was actively falling in love with someone at the time he was asked to sing that song. And while I can't think right now of anything I said or did toward him then, and he hasn't actually seen me in person since November 2019 you know. It's been a while... but in what he said he didn't SAY he met someone new he was actively falling in love with, just that he was actively falling in love with someone wonderful at the point he was asked to do the song. So I deserve a bop on the nose for inserting assumptions into the premises that are inferred but aren't actually known.

Okay. Fair. I was being a bad puppy in doing what I said I need to stop doing as far as assuming "he wants someone else, not me" AND creating an implicit premise through assumptions.... And this is absolutely what I mean about being cautious with me about arriving at really awful conclusions from building good logic on bad premises. Like, definitely please call me on it and question me on my implicit premises when my conclusions make you go, "Wait,WHAT NOW?! How the hell did you wind up there as your conclusion, girl?!" 

Also. Probability isn't in favor of this correction you know, even if rigorous philosophical inquiry does. And anyway, I still find the issue that I don't see where or how I could fit into his life as he's constructed it given the choices people have made to get us here to this moment.

But those are red herring other issues. it is still wrong of me to draw false dichotomy limits ("either I'm in the way of him having what he wants or I must let him go") and inserting unsubstantiated implicit premises into what he said... I deserve a smack upside the head from Socrates on that one. I admit it.You're right to call me out via the bond on how bad those assumptions are and how off-base they rendered my conclusion that I should work to let him go in order for him to be able to have what set him so alight.... Valid and fair criticisms and it was genuinely some shoddy ass assuming on my part. Just call me Hegel because I'm going to throw in some shoddy ass implicit assumptions and land you in a conclusion somewhere far out in left field....

Ok. fair. My conclusion that I should self-immolate and unchain the bond for his sake was a fucking atrociously bad conclusion due to flawed premises.

HOWEVER. I stand behind every damn word that I said about how rare it is to find someone who sets your soul afire like his was in that video and that he should do whatever the hell he has to in order to claim as his own and hold onto whatever brought so much clarity and brightness into his heart and soul. And I also stand by my assertion that nobody and nothing is in the right if they get in the way of him achieving that goal of holding and having what feeds his soul light. And I include me in that nobody. Whether I'm in the way by trying to cling to the chains of old promises OR if I'm in the way by trying to efface myself remove me from his options when I'm the damn someone/something he's seeking -- either way I'm in the wrong if I'm the one blocking his shot at what sets him so incandescently alight with joy and the promise of the happiness he seeks for his future.

So don't let me be a block in the way. If I could ask one thing of him it would be to not let me be any part of anything that blocks him from having the happiness he seeks. tell me if/when my premises are riddled with bad assumptions and so my conclusions were all shit wrong opposite of what he wants. Call me on it. I'd rather be told right at the start when my good logic on bad premises is going to take everything down a turn for the worst than to be allowed to pursue the conclusion as a truth that then causes damage which might be irreparable... Skip the damage, call me on my bullshit -- especially if you can just straight out point me to the fact I have assumptions as implicit premises that are fucking things up. Most of the time it's that easy. Don't be afraid to just directly state, "no. damnit Dani you've got a bad premise in there again and so your conclusion is going to take us somewhere neither of us want!" Or in this case more specifically calling me on, "why do you keep assuming I could mean any hypothetical woman EXCEPT you?!" Question me and call me on it and let's course correct before the bad conclusions lead to actions/choices everyone involved will regret. 

Also though. Damnit but he can't give up on anyone or anything that makes him light up the way he was in that video of that song. Because anything that makes your soul set afire with that much love and light is sacred and worth fighting for no matter what you're up against. I stan this. Nobody and nothing is in the right if they're trying to block him from having and holding whoever/whatever made him so full of love light and hope. Nobody and nothing, damnit!

P.S. I found this image in a closed group on facebook earlier today.... And I don't have words for how it made my heart sing then and every time I look at it! I have no idea who the artist is or if there are prints of it anywhere, I just know it makes my heart happy and feel a rightness in the world from the first I saw it.

Yeah I know. I know. I KNOW. But also, the heart wants what the heart wants and ain't no amount of logicking and over-thinking and telling yourself you can't have it stops the wanting. Logic of brutal hard reality may help guide your choices/actions, but the heart wants what it wants regardless of the ways you rationalize what you do or don't let yourself do.

And also. Look. I did TELL you that all my logic and over-thinking and attempts at stoic self-martyring letting him go all falls apart if I just SEE him. Every dang time. Especially when he's all happy full of light and love. Sets me all at sea with the inner knowing that that's how he should be, the way he's MEANT to be, all lit up like a Christmas tree from the joy burning bright in his inmost self. That whatever makes him burn so bright is what matters most for him and his future life path and my desire to help him find that outweighs every other consideration I had thought important. I did TELL you that. Many times over. I don't know how to give him up, except if I rationalize it in the name of his happiness, and any attempt to let him go all falls apart if I let me see him. Especially if I see him all lit up with joy and soul light and hope -- whenever I see him like that, every cell and fibre of my being sings, "THIS! This is how you are meant to be! Cleave to anything that makes you light up like this, my love! Don't ever give up on it or let it go, make it yours because you're meant to be this full of light and love and hope! This is the you that you were meant to find and manifest and embody." 

But i did TELL you that letting me see him always ends in collapsing my logical constructs to justify me trying to leave him be or let him go... I have TOLD you that before this. As far as I can tell, it's a constant truth with me. An irrational number that never ends and a constant of the highest vibrations in my soul and while i don't know the mathematics to derive what that number IS, I just know that it's a constant with me as certain as the constants of physics. even if he is in love with someone else right now, this constant is still my truth whenever I look at him. It just is a constant in my heart and soul, regardless anything else going on.

Whenever I get anything all tangled up in trying to be a martyr or shoddy implicit premises that don't properly measure my value to him, all you have to do is get me to look at him, to SEE him and it all just crumbles back into the shininess of "this is how it's supposed to always be" Luckily it's a weakness in me that only he has.... It's a just him thing.It's why when I try to let him go, I try to not let me look at him -- because looking at him will make it so i can't see through the plan to let him go.

 So as long as I'm sitting in a dental office waiting room while my grandma gets a crown, I just went back and watched the video Eric had shared yesterday of singing the Drew Gasparini song (it wasn't that I didn't want to watch it or that watching it today didn't make me smile make me happy, I was just too upset yesterday evening seeing my stories right after watering the flowers discovery that nearly all the turtle heads were stolen, I knew I was too upset for me to receive the song/video as it deserved.) It was so beautiful and seeing him that lit up made my heart so happy!!! I'm actually really glad he shared it, it's a beautiful song and he did a great job with that performance of it. 

Only..... I know I was all defiance and cussing and selfish desire last night, and that intensity of wanting is still in me (it always is, always will be) but.... Look, anyone or anything that can set his heart burning so brightly and make him that much alight from the soul is something central to his happiness and neither I nor any other damn person should get between him and what lights him up so bright. And, to see him that alight, I.... Whoever he met that he said he was falling in love with when he was asked to do that song, that person IS a source of his soul light happiness. Not everyone gets lucky enough to find that, in any life, and almost nobody gets it more than once in a life. So he should be with whoever that woman is who can make him light up like that, he should be aiming for her and having her integral to his future because she's integral to his heart and soul light to be at its most incandescent.  Anyone who can make him (or anyone) shine that brightly IS his future happiness and nothing should get between him and that joyousness. Not even deep soul bonds and ancient promises -- seeing him that happy made me happy but it's also re-awoken my stoic self-martyring streak of logic brain that loves him so much I would rather know he is happy than to get my own selfish desires met. 

So watching it made me absolutely delighted to see and I've rewatched it several times now and every time my heart dances with joy seeing him so alight with love and light and hope -- but I'd be lying if I didn't say that SEEING him that full of inner light and happiness thinking about someone he met was falling in love with back in July reinforced my intuitive sense it's time for me to let him go release him from any expectations or old promises.... Unchain him from his bond to me so he can be free to seek the happiness that lights him up as bright as his love shining through him singing in that video -- because damnit I want to know he has that deep soul light joy burning through all the days of his life, to have and hold onto that happiness for his future not just present. I want that for him far more than I want my own selfish desires fulfilled. 

But o does it make me so happy to know he's found a woman to make him light up like he was while singing that song!!!! It just delights me so much!!! And I just want him to pursue that single mindedly and make that happiness and soul light his to keep through every moment of all his days of this life! I want that so much for him! I hope he can make that real for him! And that nobody, not even me and the old promises I made to him, hold him back from reaching that happiness and making it his to hold and to keep. Nobody and nothing should get in the way of that clarity of love light he had in him while he was singing that song. Nobody, not even me. 

I'm going to read for a bit now instead of being on my phone. Either John Collier Fancies and Goodnights (short stories, Pre-Raphaelite painter and Gothic dark magic/supernatural horror writer before fantasy was a genre) or Alan & Iris MacFarlane The Empire of Tea (non-fiction, mostly history and cultural sociology with a smattering of science about how tea cultivation developed and its trade fueled enslavement and colonialism) since those are my two purse books right now.

 Ufgh. I know this is the wine speaking (or the wine breaking free all my unfiltered desires currently running amok outside of the prison of all my overthinking "ought to" and"best for his sake" rationalizations) but damnit I would give just about anything right now to physically curl up into Eric's chest and have his arms around me and feel that fuck all the world and the haters in it, because here I love and am loved in return and nothing matters more than that. 

I know it's irrational and everything is stacked against and my head says to let that dream go as a could be that never manifested into reality... But damnit I want it!! And I'd give nearly anything to have it for however long it might last....  And my Capricorn moon with all it's stoic logic can go fuck itself because no amount of convincing me letting him go is the best thing I can do for him changes one fucking tiny iota of what I DESIRE. And tonight, in the witching hour after full of a bottle of reserve cabarnet franc and an evening heartache that is rationalized but needs healing, and being held in love is always the best healing for heartache, frankly the only damn thing I want tonight is him. And everything else (and I do mean everything, even my logic brain overthinking) is just a damn obstacle in the way of the way it's meant to be if we didn't keep fucking things up.... 

And that's just how I feel right now and being held by him holding him against me is all I want this witching hour and he's not here and frankly I think that's fucking bullshit! 

Ugh! Good night. Or whatever sort of night frustrated desire is, and we can have a chat again after sunrise when I get up to shower. 

But just fyi, him not being here and/or me not being there is fucking bollocks. Fucking. Bollocks. And it always will be.  No matter how either of us rationalize it as the best possible in the world we live in. This isn't fucking Candide, we don't live in the best of all possible worlds, and Eric not being able to hold me tonight is just fucking bollocks. I don't care whose fault it is/was, it's utter bullshit and we should fix it. Because if we don't fix this, who will?

And logic brain may regret this later, but right now I'm just a bundle of feelings and all of them inside of me right now insist it's fucking stupid for either of to try to be in love with anyone else because we should fucking be together and be able to fall asleep holding each other in love -- and haven't we spent fucking long enough fucking it up that we aren't able to do that tonight right now? We should stop fucking it up asap and start on making it right. Before it's too fucked up we can't ever untangle it make it right this life..... Fuck any and all things in the way of making that happen. Even my logic brain when it decides to take charge because the emotions are just a fucking sea and nobody can tame those depths.

Fuck it all to hell and damnation.... But WHY is he not here or me not there?!?! Why the fuck why?!?! I don't understand WHY. Even when logic brain tries to force me to accept it, still I never understand the WHY of it all. Or the WHY NOT of it, if you prefer.

 I'm better now. Je t'en promets! 

Or. As better as I will be tonight. Which is not entirely the same thing but for tonight will have to do. 

Once I started feeling stupid for the silly snit of wallowing in anger/sorrow which wasn't helping anyone (hey Capricorn moon, I see you and your willingness to ruthlessly and stoically do whatever must be done to get from here to the next step forward; and I mean that in context of both my own moon sign and the current astrological placement of this gibbous moon) I made me get up and make some tea. And while the kettle was boiling I ate the remaining end of the loaf of pepitas polenta from Madison Sourdough and also open and had some slices of Hooke's Triple Play Extra Innings cheese. And also opened a bottle of Lapis Luna reserve cab franc. Because if I drink more than half a bottle of red wine, I can.forgive almost anything because I'm in such a state of cuddly agape love of all of life and being.... (Also this is warning never to let me drink more than. Half a bottle of red unless you are ready for the pda of me snuggling into you OR you are completely cool with me hugging and cuddling everyone I encounter while the red wine is still in my system..... I don't drink more than a couple glasses of red without a designated cuddle buddy because otherwise my love of everyone and everything gets me in far worse trouble than my typical tree hugging habit.)

Hamlet shirt and extra emo frizzy curls and ridiculous boobs and red wine and all..... 

But anyway, I'm as good as I will be. I ate and have had tea and wine and have been back rereading Sandman until I took the dog outside when she asked just now. I'm back inside for the last glass of red wine, desperately wishing I had a man with nice pecan and abs to snuggle (sorry if that's shallow but I mean a wish is a dream your heart makes and I really love having a man with pheromones that smell good with nice pecs to curl up in as pillow. Shallow or not, a nice set of pecan I can snuggle into and warm arms around me has in the past, especially in college, been all the criteria I asked for in a boyfriend who could only ever aspire to be "good enough" because through no fault of his own he was not my polar bear....  

(Also though, if I were able to just curl up into my polar bear from now until *checks calendar* forever and always, that would be grand! I'd love that very much if we could make that reality, please and thank you and a cherry on top.)

I'm debating scrounging up some more snacks for me (which will mean jaastelopeia (sp?) Swedish bread cheese or slicing then cooking up my raining potatoes or something more ambitious involving veggies...... Maybe finish this cuppa tea for hydration and then a midnight snack while the kettle is on for more tea and I work on this last glass of wine. 

Anyway. I'm still upset over my ravaged turtle heads but I accept there's nothing that me being upset can do to change the past/present.... So tonight I'm drinking red wine until I fucking love everybody and rereading Sandman comics by my candles.  

And. Tomorrow or in the near future when I'm not already full of anger and sorrow, I shall process this new information that Eric met someone else wonderful who he's fallen in love with.... Technically he didn't say he met anyone new in his words, he said he was asked to do the song the same week he was falling in love with someone wonderful distracting him from doing anything else.  I assumed that part about meeting someone new just as I assume it's another woman. (In vino veritas.) I shouldn't assume, but also the odds are quite improbably NOT in my favor that he somehow meant me and anything I had said or done that he was falling in love with back in July..... So all probability lies with him being in love with somebody else actually in his life and me needing to accept that be happy for him and how it makes him get closer to the happiness he seeks as I teach me to make me let him go. (I don't want to.... I really really don't.... But my head says I should it's in his best interests if I do....). But not now. Not on the heels of so much anger and grief. And not while having this much red wine. Probably not until tomorrow night -- tomorrow afternoon I'm taking grandma in to get a crown in her tooth that recently needed a root canal. 

So maybe I won't have time to think about him having fallen in love with someone else back in July as objectively as the matter deserved until tomorrow night.... But it should. It deserves a better internal examination than while verklempt with anger and sorrow over stolen flowers/plants or red wine agape or sitting in the waiting room of a dentist office for hours whiley grandma gets a crown made .....