O right. The other thread I've been working at this life. It has to do with something that came through, "A door that is safe has been breached" and tried to take me out when I was like 23 or so. And then it burrowed backward and took root a long ways back. But in doing so it finally completed a cycle so I could find a stepping stone path through so humanity doesn't fail as a vehicle of incarnations by destroying this planet rendering it uninhabitable. (That's still among the very real future fatelines... But also we're still on the stepping stone path.) But because it confronted me directly then fled backward, because I'm moving linearly in the cycle of souls I now know it's energy signature not just the chaos and suffering it sows. And so I could recognize it when it's using someone with gifts who let it in to feed upon the life force of unsuspecting others. I curtailed that ability to feed so it is only those who knowingly and willingly open up to her that Siobhan can feed upon -- and never animals. Look, I got angry when she adopted a dog to try to hang onto her boyfriend, okay. And that's when I said, "fuck you no, I draw the line at imperiling innocents with no choice in the connection." I admit it, that's when I got angry. Because maybe a boyfriend is naive and stupid to enter into a contract with someone who feeds on life energy, but it's still a personal free will choice. And so I cut cords of even friendship and let his choices sow their consequences. But a dog.... an animal, however, in the modern world has no choice and we hope they find homes with those who won't physically or emotionally or energetically abuse them but a captive animal having it's life force fed upon was a line too far for my sense of Justice... So that's when I had The Goddess lay geis limits on Siobhan that she could never feed upon animals or innocents and only those who made a conscious choice to allow her to draw on their energy could she siphon life force from. I don't even have to maintain this, it's the work of The Goddess to protect innocents. It can't protect everyone, anyone who trusts her opens up to her energetically could still be a source of life force, but never innocents who didn't choose the connection or animals who have no way to escape it. She got very sick because what was drawing through her was suddenly starved but it evened out. And i didn't even feel bad because nobody has a right to prey on the life force of innocents with no conscious free will choices made in the connection. 

However my conscience has been plagued by the question of 1) whether Siobhan is willingly complicit or a victim of something more powerful than her with hook through her soul and 2) what of all those who choose to trust her use of hypnotic techniques and open up to her in trust without realizing what feeds through her? These questions have worried me for over a year now, since COVID lockdowns opened up and she could go back to preying on the yogi spiritualist new age communities she's embedded herself within. It's been a wrestling with conscience what to do about these that are beyond the scope of what The Goddess protects. It's what has consumed quite a lot of my intention and energy these last two years even while I've been holding still in fairly strict hermitage. Because Siobhan's complicity doesn't alter consequences for the damage she inflicted on the unfolding Creation, but it does determine how much compassion versus culpability there should be in Justice and lesson learning future paths. And the question of those who allow her to feed, my concern isn't an issue of their free will choices and consequences, it's about WHAT is being fed and the amount of energy it is siphoning out of life force of living souls. That's a big problem given the dark paths it corrupts and bends that energy... So more than protecting those who let her feed on them because they fall for her hypnotic uses, my concern is cutting off life force energy supply to what has been feeding through her....

I solved both these dilemmas by asking Durga for intervening into the cycle of souls to assist with this. I haven't interacted with Durga in millennia, she's like the all-Mother Warrior Goddess in whom all other Goddesses are strands of the whole and who was created specifically to destroy demons that the other gods could not so they each gave to Durga their weapons as only she can defeat the water buffalo demon. And Durga exists across the entirety of space-time within this unfolding Creation even as all her avatars and other Goddess arms do as well. The Goddess I most often work in close allyship was like one arm, one face, of the consciousness of all Durga. Both were very proud and grateful I brought this to Durga to ask her assistance to track it down and deal with to shut down the paths by which it feeds through living incarnating souls on other living life force energy. It's part of what's special about choosing to physically incarnate after all, not just the physical pleasure of existing and rewards to get to experience while in a body - but also because those who are aligned with the flow of the grid of Creation/DAO can only intervene in the cycles of souls when a soul in the incarnation invoked them and asks for them to step in. It's why you should be very careful who on spirit you ask for help and on what terms -- unincarnated Spirits are relatively powerless within the cycle of souls unless you directly invoke their assistance OR you make a deal with them on their terms. So always know the truth of whoever you deal with and what exactly you've agreed to for the gifts or goals you asked for. 

But Durga is pretty badass and tbh I'm not exactly certain what all I unleashed in this ask. I'm uncertain if she will simply stop the energy harvesting techniques or pursue it until defeated with whatever tools necessary. Technically the latter is the fullest form of my request and it's why I chose Durga as she is the composite of all Divine Féminines and exists for the purpose of destroying powerful difficult demons that no other forces within the Creation have all the tools to defeat. It's been a very very very long time since I connected up to Durga consciousness of the Diving Feminine and pulled that into the incarnation.... It's so much more than anything anyone has experienced in the last 4 millennia or so. The middle aged and younger souls who have never been born within Hinduism have likely never experienced being alive in a world with Durga consciousness active within it..... I like to shift the rules or return to older rules that most have forgotten and bring them back into play. It's part of why I'm so good at finding unexpected paths through dark times.

Anyway. If you felt that sudden shift and breath of fresh air through the cycle of souls several weeks back now, that was me inviting and asking Durga into the cycle of souls and Durga's acceptance of being invoked to cut off at the source this method of a dark nephilim spirit that's feeding on life force and doing all sorts of shady shit with that energy since it got here and then as far back as it burrowed to move forward. I'm not going to go more into what else about it just now, only show as much of a hand as you're okay with n'importe qui discovering and all, but I recognize it's energy signature and I'm not afraid to ask old allies to step in, it's part of the old rules I still remember after so much of the world has forgotten them. The rules of Truth naming and geis and invocation - the things you don't even need a body with strong spiritual light working gifts to be able to do. (But it's a lot easier to be heard when you have light working energy gifts to back up your call and ask, lol.) And there's more to this unfolding, but now I'm rather in a holding pattern in this work until I know what Durga uncovers and does. And she's the wildcard of all Divine Feminine Consciousness as warrioress and she's able to use whatever weapon is appropriate and call up whatever avatar form of Divine Feminine is needed. So really I'm uncertain the form she will take for this mission I asked her to delve and pursue and clean up. By the old rules, unincarnated spirits aligned with the grid/tao must be asked by a soul within the incarnation to confront meddling from the unaligned snarling up the unfolding and dabbling with feeding on life force and all that. Someone has to ask before Ang old deities or angels can intervene, if they intervene without a free will request when it involves the karma of the cycle of souls, they can become corrupted into something else than serving the unfolding of this pattern of tao.

Look, this is what happens when you leave me waiting -- I find things that need cleaning up and I get to work because I have to fill my time somehow and if not me than who? At least while I'm alive in a body within the cycle of souls, I'll always be able to find work to do to occupy me in the time I'm waiting for a path back together. I'd still be finding light work to do even if back together, it's like playing with the flow of time as a fidget toy - I have a lot of ADHD excess spiritual energy to burn in this body. I just got REALLY bored and frustrated while waiting this time. You've made me wait a really fucking longer time than I had expected... I'm sure it will be better for the waiting and the healing that newly learned lessons can offer, but also I got bored started looking for things to do with my energy and focus while I waited. 

Also though. Having handed that off with threads Durga can and will pursue to the utmose, I feel like I'm ready to start focusing on this physical life and tidying up my space from dust and entropy. And just generally filling it with all the joy thus life was designed and meant to hold. Even a good fight gets boring without rest and reward life's between.  Unless you'd like me to find another spiritual cleanup project for this life besides sending on lingering ghosts and cleansing/blessing the physical spaces corrupted by energetic scars of the past and awakening the greatest composite of all the Divine Feminine warrioress forms to hunt through and track down a corrupting nephilim/demonic energy. Because I'm sure I can find something else to work on if you want to keep me waiting longer.... If nothing else I could go looking for places/entities that need cleansing and healing and moving on to do it myself instead of my current shifted rules of finding, marking and encircling for The Goddess, the Hawk God, Archangel Michael, or the crow Deities to deal with when they have a chance. I could go hunting for anything powerful enough to  real through my mark and encircling require direct channeling to Source through this body as conduit... But I try to limit that to needs, there are limits on how much raw power physical bodies are meant to channel and conduit after all. Maybe let's not leave me waiting too long to see what new good trouble I can stir up to alleviate my boredom while I wait, lol.

 Why do I keep assuming my own unimportance to him? That it would somehow be in his best interests to untangle things by removing me from his options or that my opinion shouldn't matter to him because there's plenty of other people who it will matter to? I. Well. I guess it's because I know he's survived it before, same as I have. And, I mean, in 9 years we'll be at the 600 years of lives without each other in them. And it took 500 years for our paths to cross for me to understand why. And for me, most of those lives were short lives with violent deaths. I haven't died of old age since the Elizabethan. And in those last 600 years of lives, I am currently the third oldest I've been in that entire span of time, and even those longer ones I didn't live to be 60, one I made it to 52 the other to 58.  And he's always known my deaths, another old promise but whenever either of us dies we go find the other let them know before moving on to reintegrate into the cycle of souls be reborn. So we know to stop looking and we know how old to look for when next we look. Only across all those centuries of lives, he always died while I was in between lives  whereas I kept dying before he could reach me, sometimes apparently only close enough a miss for him to see me die and then follow, like in the French Revolution, but still. It means that he carries the knowledge of a lot of my deaths in recent lives, deaths he couldn't stop or have a chance to do anything about. He carries a lot of memories of me dying over recent centuries and that's just an imbalance between us.

And the thing of it is... For the longest time I had reached the point of assuming our paths weren't crossing because he no longer wanted to find me, because what the hell karma takes that long and that many lifetimes to clear? Last life I needed to know the whys of it so I took advantage of a moment in history and made it so I couldn't possibly be missed with how bright I shine. And it didn't matter to me that he would be old when our paths crossed and I would be young, what I wanted was an answer and to understand why so long kept passing without our lives paths crossing, not sex. It genuinely wasn't until my last life (where I also died before him, making three different lives I died across his one last life) until I realized he still blamed himself for the way I died in the 1430s. I think a part of him still does. And some of that may be on me because I warned him that if he turned me over to his seigneur it would be the path to my death but if he let me go that day I'd die a different death that wouldn't be in any way on his conscience. And he chose social duty, but genuinely believed the promise I wouldn't be handed over - and there we are. It unfolded as I'd warned him it would (I've always been able to precog my deaths or potential deaths, in all my lives) but it never occurred to me that it would scar his soul with guilt the way it did for so long. Genuinely, that life I had to die a death that would echo down history as an anomaly that changed the fatelines of Europe, it was my choice for how/where/when I incarnated that life. He wasn't required to take part in it or bear guilt in it, but my death date was burned into history as a river point that life regardless of the path that got me to it. It was only to have him not feel guilt that I told him he should let me go not be any part of it.  Not because there was anything he or I or anyone could have done to change my death that life in the 1400s. It was something I chose when I chose that life path, he couldn't have saved me from that death, all he could have done was let me go to keep his hands clean from handing me over to my fate. 

*shrugs* But I definitely didn't realize until last life that he has carried that guilt down the centuries and it's why our paths didn't cross and why he has had to carry the knowledge of so many of my young and violent deaths he could do nothing to alter or stop. Just as I had to learn the why of the guilt he carried over all those lifetimes needed to untangle karmically, I have to unlearn my assumptions around him not wanting me and I have to unlearn my assumptions that us being in separation is something he is okay with or desires. 

This lifetime is a chance at laying all that guilt and pain to rest, if we both choose it, but it won't be the only chance. I don't know when the next one will be because we haven't yet reached a nexus past which this life can't be a chance for healing the old hurts making room for new growth. I'm still alive, so we haven't crossed any nexus point that breaks my chosen conditions for this life's soul contract. Any soul seeking me can find me if they want to, there's still a path for me to live this life surrounded for love of me qua me as I am, and since those two conditions are still met there are still paths for me to grow old because I haven't in a long time.  That's all I've asked for this life, and the price of it is I can have no fame and no power and no fortune and no social status and I will leave no mark in the history books with this life (I can still change the course of fate lines and history, just not in ways anyone will remember, only in the spiritual can I shift things and in saving others from worse fatelines, not by holding temporal power this life) though I can still leave the great truths written into fictional, that I am allowed -- but I asked for an opportunity for us this life not a purpose or a task only I could do. It's up to us if we choose to take the opportunity or to wait however many lifetimes until the next opportunity, but still I chose this life path this life. 

And taking this opportunity for healing it does mean me unlearning assumptions of my own unimportance to him, just as it means him letting go of his guilt from the past, taking the lesson but releasing the guilt and grief and self-blame for choices that can't be unamade. We're here now, we have a different set of choices before us and a different story we're writing with our lives, we are neither of us the same versions we were in the 1400s.... But also, I miss him like a phantom limb when we can't reach each other and I'm very tired of dying young violent deaths. I just am. I'd very much like to take this opportunity while we have it in this lifetime to choose differently and to heal what has been so many centuries broken. 

So I'll try not to presume my own unimportance and also I'll try not to assume "we've survived separation before for so long, so we could do it again if we must." I think he's in the right to so continuously and adamantly refuse to accept or consider separation an option this life... Because a window of opportunity only counts if you choose to take it before it closes -- and I foresee and know many things, but how long the life paths to take the opportunity of this lifetime as one of reunion.... That I don't know. It involves free will choices that aren't simply my own that could either truncate or create new chances at this window of opportunity. Precogs, both immutable and contingent, follow once free will choices are made, before that it's all just potential fatelines.so I can't give you a number of chances remaining to us -- but I can tell you the number of chances go up exponentially the more we both are committed to choosing to take the opportunity of this lifetime for healing reunion. 

And. Also. Odin still wants something of him..and i don't know what. It's many many lives old, 11th century I think. But I learned in this life that Odin still holds a claim on him that hasn't been released that somehow the bond between us keeps Odin from being able to claim. Because while the bond was dormant under the Oak King's doing to stop the overlays, Odin approached me in dream space told me he could free me forever of the bond and the images down it. But The Goddess doesn't trust Odin has always warned me never to trust him so I don't trust Odin, and I told him I would not give to him anything whose value I couldn't assess so I refused to give over to him the bond even while it slept. He was quite furious after the third time I turned him down. But Odin doesn't give up and if you have karma with him you should clear that debt or he's going to keep taking over anyone who will let him in to be his tool of keeping us apart so he can get whatever it is he feels your soul owes him, that the bond to me keeps him from collecting. (Incidentally, knowing Odin's meddling is part of why I lay no blame for what occured in 2018 even if The Goddess does. But it's also why I won't cross a boundary not of my making while it stands. A geis is a geis is a geis - and any laying of ostrakion IS geis. It always has been. Even living in a time that uses it without thinking and even condones it in appropriate bullying ostracism settings, still all spiritually awake cultures recognize geasa for what they are and laying of ostrakion as one of the strongest if crossed.... And either ostrakion has a definite term or it is for the on echo created the boundary to destroy it, but still any ostrakion is a form of geis. you cross geasa others laid upon you at great price and loss. It's not your karma unless you cross the boundaries of grid that another made. It's like not recognizing one who is protected by The Goddess and has been your teacher in past lives - you cross that line at your own soul's peril. It can be untangled, there's always a path to healing I'd you choose it - but when old gods and goddesses and geasa become involved the rules to untangle things get more difficult.)

I had a vision dream in 2019 about the old cord tied to Odin incidentally. His sister and his brother and someone else, female, that I didn't recognize except as blood kin helped release that old oath he once made to Odin. It was this life, not a different one. I don't know enough about Odin to help other than I could tell what I saw in the vision dream. But at midsummer 2019, I did have a vision dream about that, about what the eagle and the lioness and the she wolf-dog who is blood relative but who I don't know except by energy signature in spirit vision will be able to do the needed work of severing the chains of Odin on the polar bear. There was nothing I could do with that vision dream at the time so I kept it to myself, but I did have it. My vision dreams are tricky, they're all spirit and energy and symbolism. And also Odin is tricky and tenacious -- if you have unfulfilled promises to him, he'll track you down across lifetimes until you render to him what he lays claim to or find a way to break the old promise. But Odin himself is an Oathbreaker to get his way, and in that Truth about Odin there's a way to break free of oaths to him, even lifetimes later. Find how Odin broke his end of a vow and the soul contract is broken, the chain and Odin's claims on you are cut. You just have to see and recognize that Odin's oath was broken so he can lay no claim upon you 

I never willingly had anything to do with him in any of my lives, The Goddess always warned me not to and She always calls him Odin Oathbreaker as his epithet, but I know that his breaking of Oaths he made is what leaves the space to free any oaths made to Odin. It's in the part of Odin's side of the vow that he didn't fulfill that the oath is broken and Odin is owed nothing if you claim the oath broken. But I don't deal in rituals and certainly not ones with Odin who I have never bowed a knee to in any life - I'd just name him Odin Oathbreaker and curse him as the liar and thief he is and that he has no claims where since Odin broke his own oath in the very life that Eric made his vow and be done with it. There's a power in calling things for what they are including naming the truths of any unincarnated Spirits. But then, I do things differently in a more elemental way and I never bowed my knee to either Odin or to those who claim to be the speakers for Christ and so am not bound by any that would abuse those authorities. Also I have allies even Odin won't piss off so I can get away with calling him out and making him give up with force of will, and not just The Goddess though She protects Her own.  If the Morgath were less fond of me and if I hadn't save the life of a crow creating my own geas with the crows, I'd be more concerned about their watching over me as they do and what tales they might be carrying to Odin. But I did save a crow's life so the crows and I are bound by life force geasa, and Morgath likes the way I bring necessary changes to the fate lines so she's wanting to keep me in play as long and as frequently as possible. Crow Deities are all Tricksters and unpredictable in alignment but for each of them their ethics are internally consistent. But each crow deity has different ethics from all the other crow Deities. To hold a geas that must be respected by all Crow Deities while I'm in this body is actually a rather big deal. And I did it by accident, not as an act realpolitik or considered tactics, it was a sudden act of instinctive compassion for a poor baby who fell out of the nest into a huge crowd of humans and dogs and not wanting him to get hurt worse....

And so Odin's malice isn't directed at me and I have no vows past or present with him. But there is a silver thread of Odin's tangled through these fatelines that got us to here and it's tied around Eric not me -- and my intuition says nothing will move smoothly for Eric or with Eric at a personal happiness level without cutting the cord untying that old vow to Odin, whatever it is. Odin will find someone else to use to get his way, someone else he has hooks in, if you don't cut that cord. So if you need ritual to break ritual, you should do it.

Don't worry, the bond isn't the sort of thing that breaking old vows and soul contracts within incarnating could damage. The bond between his soul and mine predates incarnating. If hé wanted to release some of the promises we have made, a contract release cord cutting could, but while either or both of us is within the cycle of souls, that bond can't actually be severed. Which means that Odin's offer was to somehow take us off the table , remove us from the cycle of souls when he offered to make the bond go away for always so I couldn't be hurt by overlays ever again.... It's a good thing I don't trust him and told him I'd never give up anything that I did not know the value of at the time I was asked but that I was quite certain that in the times of knowing it's value I'd never part with. Odin got very mad when he came with his third and last possible offer and I stood by that answer.....

And I think if you were to untangle Odin from the mix, it would help to mollify The Goddess. That can't be reason to do it, his soul's path to create it's happiness and pursue his purpose should be the reason to break Odin's chain from that old vow. She told me I can't intercede to reinstate the gifts She stripped after the choice of 2018, but I've known Her a very very long time and there's a path back to expiation of Her anger. And untangling Odin's knots will go a long way with convincing Her that the path of revenge seeking rather than justice is one you explored but don't wish to keep walking. She doesn't trust Her gifts to those who seek vengeance or turn on their past teachers, it's why She stripped the gifts She had given all those lifetimes ago -- if you want them back you have to earn them back in Her eyes. Which is a lot less forgiving than mine, which is why She warned me She wouldn't listen to me if I try to intercede on this transgression. But there are ways and choices to expiate with Her. And over time the gifts will grow back as She trusts you with them again. Maybe not this life, but in future lives. You just have to choose to want to make things right.

But that is something else entirely. Just a way out I see, a path back from what the choices already made have cost. It's what I do, with all my lives, I find the paths through places nobody else sees them.

Right now, I'll work on my assumptions that me removing myself from his options is an acceptable choice this life. But it's on you to remove geasa of your own making -- your choices made them and you need to cut those cords. Only an idiot crosses another person's geis laid on them or unfulfilled vows to old gods - until those cords are cut the only paths are ones of varying degrees of tragedy. And I'm really fucking sick of the tragic life paths. Aren't you? 

I need to finish this Scottish Breakfast tea and then make coffee and breakfast. But somewhere somehow Odin didn't fulfill his side of the vow and so he is Odin as Oathbreaker -- thus there's a way to cut that ancient cord and all ties binding to him. He doesn't actually have a claim on you if you formalize that the oath is broken by Odin being Oathbreaker and all debts between you and Odin are cleared. I'm sure of it. I wouldn't have had the vision dream in 2019 if there wasn't a way to cut that silver cord that keeps tying you up in ways so you can't achieve what you set your will to do.

Making things right by The Goddess after serving Odin to lay down a geis on one of Her own will be harder. But not impossible. She's pretty amenable to an honest, "I'm sorry I fucked up, let me make this right" then doing whatever She asks to atone for the past wrong as She saw it. It's why She and I get along so well and She's so consistently protective of me while I'm choosing to incarnate in the cycle of souls.  Odin is a shyster and a liar and an Oathbreaker. But The Goddess is fair by Her own rules of ethics and She protects innocents and what was done in innocence, it's only if you transgress when She expects you to have known better that Her implacable side comes out. And even then, there's a way to expiate if you just are honest in acknowledging what you have done and your desire to make things right. She has even less patience than me for refusing to admit guilt or wrong doing, but She does have paths of expiation once you admit culpability of your choices past. 

But if my silence made you leave, Then that would be my worst mistake. So I will share this room with you, And you can have this heart to break. And this is why my eyes are closed, It's just as well for all I've seen. And so it goes, and so it goes, And you're the only one who knows. So I would choose to be with you, That's if the choice were mine to make. But you can make decisions too. And you can have this heart to break. And so it goes, and so it goes And you're the only one who knows.

 This should probably go without saying, but he and they have every reason to be excited and proud of what they've spent the last two years creating and everything they have planned with it from here forward. It's a ton of work and it's well crafted and they have been putting their hearts and souls into it. I'm happy for them and I'm sure there will be lot of people who will love it and it will have many laters of nuance and appeal and help make those people better and happier versions of themselves. 

I'm just not one of those people. There will be plenty of others it will reach and who will connect to it. Just not me. Not at this time. 

I should have been one of them, after all it's a musical heavily inspired by a love of Les Mis about a witch with real gifts and breaking the expectations of dogmatic misogynistic structures. Quite literally every thing about it ought to appeal to me as if tailor made to my aesthetics and tastes. And yet.....

 It ought to have been a brilliant way to reach me and to find me no matter how I hermit myself away this life. I ought to love it and find delight in it's existence. Same as if other choices had been made I'd still be a an of the music so their songs would be on heavy rotation in the soundtrack of my life and I'd very happily and enthusiastically have supported Behind the Door and I'd have shown up to at least half dozen shows on the Light & Dark tour, if not more.... And up until the choices made on Oct 28, 2018, that was the path of 99.1% of the fatelines.... 

And now here we are and I'm ambivalent toward it, with no desire to see it or know/hear how the story ends and I don't even remember half the songs I heard because they were performed by two people who have chosen they don't want me to exist to them or for them to exist to me. A choice that makes a hard boundary that I will respect absolutely for as long as they choose to hold those boundaries of their creation. 

The world doesn't run on shoulds and oughts, reality is built of the choices made and the consequences of those choices. And the consequences of past choices that continue to be upheld in the present is that I am not among the people who this musical can reach and connect to and bring any form of joy or wonder. I'm just not. 

I'm sorry that's the reality we find ourselves in, it's not a fateline I'd ever have chosen to walk.  But here we are and this is the reality built by cause and effect of choices made and defensively standing behind those choices and all the consequences thereof.  And for me, the musical doesn't move me or bring me any joy in anyway. 

But there are hundreds if not thousands of other souls who will love it and who knows who among them it may inspire to make positive changes in the world? What is one soul it should reach but doesn't in the scheme of that? 

He and they have every reason to be excited and proud of what they have created with their hard work and craftsmanship, and they should be happily anticipating and planning their launch of it into the world and seeing how far it will sail and who it will bring joy and inspiration to change the future.  I would never want to take away from that. I'm just one out of countless ports that that ship can't ever reach under the current conditions of reality. But they should be so proud and so excited for what they have done and have yet to do with it. 

That was the reason for my silence last night, though I was there and listening/watching everything, and my decision to just go to bed and say nothing at all. Keep all my thoughts and feelings and reactions (or lack thereof) to myself last night. And after all I was very tired, I'm using a lot of energy stirring a lot of pots behind the scenes of light worker spiritual shifts I'm nudging and changing in the fatelines right now. As I said in passing, I have brought Durga in on pursuing one thread if something I've spent 20+ years trying to unravel to set right in global fatelines. As well as using energy to heal my dog so she can live the 21.5 years I've half jokingly foretold her span to be since I got her as a puppy. And keep the jet stream going causing as minimal damage as possible to as much of the planet and animals I can save. I have reasons to be tired and gone to bed without saying anything last night. 

Still. It makes me feel bad if my silence or my reactions or my reasons why this is how it is in reality (not should haves) did anything to dampen the excitement and pride of his and their creation. It shouldn't, I'm just one person. But he tried so hard to reach me with it and, the truth is, none of these consequences that are the reason it fell flat with me are his fault. They're not of his choosing and they're not his fault and it makes me sad to think he could have been hurt or upset by trying so hard and doing so perfectly right everything within his power and yet still having to not include me among the people the musical reaches and who are fans and admirers of it.... Because he should be excited and happy and proud with no shadows on that. He really should be. I hope he is.

[Post title: lyrics to the Billy Joel song And So It Goes.]

Last night I had things I could say, some things I wanted to say but I decided I was not going to right then. If you wanted something else, I'm sorry but you didn't get it from me. I'm sure you had plenty of sycophants to sing your praises, mine could hardly have been missed.  

Once the sun was set, the liminal time of gloaming past and I was able to sleep I did just that. I went to bed early, as early as I could after watching the livestream and taking the dog on a short walk. (she is pushing herself she wants to heal. Last night she decided to jump in the car on her own while I was squatting down to pick her up -- right over my thigh, lol. She was still tripoding a bit in walking but not terribly. And then after we got home we walked about half the circle and Audrey wanted to try to walk all of it and I told her, "When you can stand up on your own easily without assistance every four times out of five attempts, that's the day we will walk the entire circle love. And the day that you are showing proper range of motion is the day our walks will go beyond the circle. If you over do it now, you're likely to tear the other CCL.")

All I'm going to say is.... It should have been a bases loaded easy homerun, everything was lined up just right aesthetically and intellectually for it. But, I'm sorry, it's just that as a result of their past choices and actions of ostracism, every time that there were vocals from Liz or Britt it was an immediate reaction of shuttering and shutting down my emotions. Like someone flicked a light switch and the stage lights went off in the middle of the performance. They desire not to exist to me and wish to ostracize me from feeling welcome and their past choices (and Britt's words even last night) have never once contradicted the consequences of their actions -- so quite literally every time they were speaking or singing my emotional engagement just shut down to get as close to the not existing as their created boundaries demand of me. And while I appreciate the intensity of effort to make sure that this Livestream was hosted and promoted in such a way to be inclusive as possible and try to welcome in everyone, and I did find that deeply moving that the effort was made, it didn't erase the boundaries the girls created of their own choices and actions that they wish to not exist to me or in my world. That's not something anyone but the girls can make better because the boundaries are theirs, created by their past choices and actions. But a direct cause and effect is that because they created those boundaries for themselves, at an ethical level I HAVE to try my best to respect that or I am disloyal to my own deep seated principle of Ma'at millennia of core deep ethics that free will is sacrosanct. You are free to choose whatever you want, though you are never free of the consequences of your choices -- but if you don't like the consequences then you're always free to choose to change course. So because of the choices the girls made in 2018 to create their boundaries of not desiring to exist to me and my own choice to honor free will as sacrosanct because only what is chosen and done as an act of free will has any meaning, when I am brought to the edge of their boundaries that they desire not to exist to me, the best I can do is shut down all emotional responses or engagement and do my best to erase even the memory of what reminded me they exist contrary to their boundaries they created. I'm doing my best to respect that, and in person I would be unfailingly polite in a distant way but with no warmth or emotional connection or me seeking any form of engaging with them. To do anything else while their boundaries exist would be to betray my own ethics surrounding the sanctity of free will. Only their free will choices to address their boundaries and change this status quo could break through the empty space and ice of my comme il faut politesse and the shutting down of any emotional responses from me as soon as their boundaries of not wanting to exist to me are approached. It's not something I can alter, they're not my boundaries. But do not expect from me any warmth or affection or praise or excitement or joy when you choose a boundary of not wanting to exist to me. You don't get any of my love or admiration if you won't accept it with the honesty and other emotions and reactions that are my authentic self.  

I am not trying to be cruel, I am trying to be fair while respecting my own ethics. I do not seek to blame them (or anyone) because they have the right to create their own boundaries and I do not seek to take from anyone what would hurt them to lose. My desire NOT to be a source of friction or pain between anyone as close as siblings was why one of the consequences of the choices of October 2018 was me choosing to efface myself and remove myself from Eric's options and as much of his inner soul life as possible so he wouldn't be stuck in the middle feeling torn and pulled both ways or it affecting his trust and relationship with his sister. It's why I spent from late Oct 2018 until April 2019 using my own energy and force of will to repeat what I had seen the Oak King do and making the bond dormant and me unreachable to him. It was a great cost of energy and emotional pain and stoicism for me to try to maintain that, especially with him fighting me on it trying to break through to reach me, but I did it out of an intention of kindness. To make things easier for him. To keep him from being in the middle having to pay for his sister's choices when she got defensive didn't like hearing the truth of my reactions that the country music at shows would stop me attending further shows. It was to keep from becoming a wedge issue between the siblings that I removed myself from his options as an immediate consequence of her choices and actions in Oct 2018. And it was only after he made it clear I was being unfair robbing him of his own free will right to choose that I relented and agreed that the bond is ours not mine and if it matters to him so deeply I'll not touch it or restrict his access again - but that keeping the bond as ours would make things more difficult for him post Oct 2018 than it had been before it..... I am only being honest as to my experience of how we got here and how I will behave within the choices that have been made and are being made at this time. I am a firm believer that nothing can change for the better without honesty, intellectual honesty and emotional honesty and ethical honesty, so I will give of that freely -- but I will not allow myself to knowingly transgress the sanctity of free will choices or the consequences of them. 

Please understand it's not personal, it's just an automatic response to being confronted with anyone whose personal choice boundary is that they desire not to exist to me. I will be unfailingly polite and keep my opinions to myself and I will shut off my emotions as best I am able to respect their desire not to exist to me and make it easier to remove the memories later (emotions add to the permanency of memory, stronger the emotions the stronger the memory formed, same as engaging as many senses as possible) and to respect their boundaries. As of this morning and the editing done while sleeping of the raw experience into what is to be remembered and what discarded except in the deep subconscious archives, literally the only parts of any songs I can recall are the parts that Eric or Ian sang and all I can remember of what anyone said was what Eric, Ian, Mike, and Grant said. Even my visual memory of the screen just has pixelated blurs in the top center and bottom right squares inside my mind's eye. In accordance with their created boundaries and the consequences of respecting them completely and totally because my ethics don't allow for me hold free will choices as only halfway sacrosanct.  

What is sacred is wholly sacred or it isn't sacred at all. I hold free will choices as sacred because they are what give meaning to anything and everything within this world and the cycles of incarnating souls -- therefore such choices and the consequences of them are totally and completely sacred.... 

I'm sorry. I know you tried. And you did a damn good job. The best you could under the circumstances. But this is an inviolable thing in my ethics and character across lifetimes that you're dealing with, that I hold free will sacrosanct and will respect completely and totally anyone's choices and the consequences thereof. Getting an emotional response from me to anything involving the girls is like trying to move Mr. Everest with your bare hands. The only way in which the girls can exist to me so long as they cling to their chosen and created boundaries is if their actions were to imperil an innocent other because that would be an injustice issue and then I would intervene until the threat was neutralized and then go back to respecting their created boundaries that they desire not to exist to me. And only their boundaries changing to make it clear they wish to exist to me will ever change that or gain any future reactions from me to anything they're involved in or that they do. 

It's not something you can fix by throwing us together and trying to show how much we have in common shared interests and ethics and stories. Because for me respecting their boundaries that they don't wish to exist to me are more real than they are at this point..... I'm sorry. I didn't create these boundaries, I can't change them, and I'm done putting in any effort to call out why they were created out of defensiveness and are morally problematic -- I am going to respect the free will from which they were made and live with the consequences of that complete and total respect. There's no anger or even sadness in me about it, those would be emotional reactions and just like affection and admiration they are no longer accessible if my emotions and reactions are undesired. You don't get to tell me HOW I feel or react or what parts of my experiences I will choose to share, though you can say that your boundary is you don't wish for me to see you or hear you or for you to exist to my subjective experiences. And I am doing my best to respect the choice is such a boundary -- and my free will ethics respecting your free will which allows me to make that boundary means that NOTHING you do will elicit any emotional reaction or exist to me (or barring that remain in my memory after I was forced to see/hear you by the circumstances). Your boundary is to wish to be in nothingness relative to my head and my heart and my memory and my reactions. and I will respect that, completely and totally and implacable accretions of a glaciers formation for as long as your boundary that creates your nothingness relative to me exists. 

Anyway. I haven't made breakfast yet. I got up in what would have been the predawn if not for the rain (yes I did go to bed with my window open so I could hear it as I slept whenever the storms came in) to give Audrey some food and her meds. And then I've been drinking tea and listening to the rain and Chopin compositions and reading the 650pg Arden critical edition of Hamlet ever since. Because yes I'm an English major nerd like that -- talk to me about themes and motifs and poetry of diction choices and watch me light up excitedly, lol.  (Seeing Hamlet at APT next Weds night. We have tickets for girls night of Sense and Sensibility tonight, rain will stop by early/mid afternoon - I'm a weather witch and damn good at what I do and the Great Lakes are currently the only part of North America under any divinities protection from wildfires and the shape of weather patterns exist to hold that promise since the Jet Stream started faltering 15 years ago and has needed intermittent jumpstarting every couple years. When I die, until I am reborn in a new body, I have no idea who will have the skills to keep the jet stream going until the oceans and poles cool back down to bring the global systems back into equilibrium....)  

So anyway, that's been my morning, cups of tea and candles and rain falling and Chopin melodies and reading critical and contextuall essays on Hamlet before I will (eventually) get to the text itself. 

I should probably consider the merits of coffee and breakfast soon, it's already after 8am Clothes can wait until the calm quiet morning and the rains are done. Or I go pickup lunch for us if Mikaela comes to join me, lol 

Have pity baby, Just when I thought it was over, Now you got me running, running, running for cover. I'm begging you for a little sympathy, 'And if you use me again it'll be the end of me. 'Cause when the loving starts, and the lights go down, And there's not another living soul around, Then woo me until the sun comes up, And you say that you love me.

 Ugh. I can't tell if it's just that the wifi at my grandma's dentist office is extra annoying or if it's a Facebook/meta/insta outage or what. But I'm here for an hour and a half while she gets the first of three rounds of fillings/crown repair done. I'm in the waiting room lobby however after getting her settled in. No matter how much you love and trust somebody, you still don't want them sitting in the room watching you get Novocaine and then fillings.... And there's really no assistance I could be until it's time to schedule the next appointment, help her get up from the chair, and then pay before leaving. So here I sit in the waiting room with bad cell signal and janky wifi/not working social media. Luckily I have a book. (2 actually.) Because I always have a purse book on me. Always always. Current purse book is Crazy Rich Asians which I picked up from a free little library for a mindless summer read while the world burns. And then my other is a dual language copy of Anglo-Saxon Poems. 

But anyway. Wanted to do a mini pupdate. CCL tear continues about as expected. Blood panel came back and her organs all look good so no worries about her continuing the rimadyl. She does have low platelets, not low enough to cause her to spontaneously internal bleed but half the lowest end of normal levels. (She's just over 50k, normal for dogs is 106k to 430k.) This can mean three things: tick borne illness, auto immune, or certain types of cancer. Also, while her neutrophil levels are normal, the baby pre-neutrophils are high (my brain isn't thinking of the actual name right now) which basically means her body is requesting more neutrophils to deal with some sort of infection or autoimmune and her bone marrow is sending out whatever it has even if they're not yet matured. So this points toward most likely the tick panel was a false negative (due to early detection of symptoms or low titres) and since doxycycline is cheap and easy and doesn't conflict with her other meds, Erin and I are agreed to start her on the doxy and do another CBC panel in a week to see if her platelets have decreased further, stabilized, or increased. If they go down further, the next step is Prednisone which DOES conflict with the rimadyl and so she would have to not be on the pain med we know works for her....

But we're gonna hope it IS tick borne illness, caught early enough to not even titre and the doxy takes care of it. Because autoimmune and the types of cancer that would cause platelets this low are....palliative quality of life or aggressive expensive diagnostics that may or may not be successful.... So we hope for something a course of doxycycline can fix. 

 So after I'm done with my grandma, I'll have to go pick up her doxy and a further dosage of rimadyl (now we confirmed her organs are all healthy and it won't be an issue.) Also going to run over to Mounds Pet Warehouse since I have a $5 off $50 coupon and see what they have for 1)  any sort of carrier (emergency or backpack style) that would help to carry her without jostling her leg to cause her pain when picking her up 2) glucosamine and joint repair treats 3) if she's going on doxy I'm adding probiotics treats and/or plain Greek yogurt to the list. Also Sarah sent some money as long as I'm going there to pick up the cat litter her cat prefers. 

In other news, this was Spock this morning in polite but emphatic  protest of me having taken my laptop to work yesterday and thus depriving him of piano music these last 18 hours after he had it on constantly for 10+ days. (I put it on to help calm the animals with the fireworks and have just left it on 24/7 with some sort of piano music. I switched between several composers/artists, but the one thread throughout was piano.) 

Not only does he lay there on the piano bench when he kindly request some piano, he will reach out and grab at my hand and pull it to the keys or if I make eye contact he'll rub his cheek against the wood and gently reach up to tap a key in request. For Spock, the only music worth a damn is piano -- nothing else is worth a dang thing. And if it was up to him, there would always be piano music. Always and always. If you ever were to play George Winston songs for him, he would instantly transfer his deepest love to you and get angry at me should I ever chase you away so you never return to play for him. Both my animals love piano most of all and it makes them the most tranquil Zen of anything in the world, but for Spock any music without piano is just trash wasting airwaves that would be better served if we had piano instead. Spock know what he loves and as a Taurus is quite stubbornly devoted to what he loves. And what he loves is piano, any song with piano, and anyone who will play even the most plunky notes with no discernible melody or basic at chords. If it's piano then it will make him Cheshire cat grin and purr and rub his head against you in gratitude whenever you take a break from playing.

Also. In other news of today, since it's Bastille Day, I'm in my Les Miserables shirt (it's from a Broadway tour that I attended like a decade or more ago but I got coffee stains on the bright white of it yet couldn't give it up so I tie dyed it) and earrings made from antique French charms. And every time I catch my reflection, my brain starts singing One Day More. So today is all about Les Miserables and I'll be listening to the entire soundtrack at the first opportunity. 

Getting selfies of one's own shirt continues to be problematic with small shoulders, small ribcages, large boobs so yeah. Here we are with more or less able to see what it says across several attempts. 😂

Also also. I find myself more excited than anything else for the Livestream tonight. A part of me feels I'm setting myself up to be hurt again and I should know better.... But.... The thing is.... It was really the combination of the fact it's live on YouTube and fb and Twitter but not the insta which has the ostracism issues combined with me seeing Eric posted to his own stories just him reminding and starting with saying it's for everybody then extra emphasizing everybody a second time that just got past my guard somehow.... Because it was just so clearly him saying that it mattered to him it be inclusive for everyone and also how much it means to him and wanting to be sure it gets shared in a way that it can reach everyone. And something in it just got past my defensiveness of not letting me care too much or expect too much because what I've learned to expect from Delta Rae since October 2018 is a promise followed by a smack down of "actually you can't sit at our table" mean girl bullshit exclusion.*shrugs* and it's not even just cautiously optimistic while deep down expecting nothing has changed, it's a legit bubbling up o a dried up spring of excitement and hopefulness. So here I am in a dentist office waiting room in my tie dyed Les Miserables tee listening to a Fleetwood Mac song and finding myself excited and hopeful for seeing what will be shared in the Livestream tonight, despite my own defensiveness trying not to let me get my hopes up just to be hurt again...

[Post title: lyrics to the Fleetwood Mac song Say You Love Me. Which is currently playing. Before that was Three Dog Night Old Fashioned Love Song. And before that Billy Joel's She's Always A Woman. So yeah. 70s soft rock is the station they have on.... Oooh! And now just as I was finishing the postscriptit's Elton John, Tiny Dancer!]

 Some further things that I meant to say but didn't because I got distracted by the beauty of the moon. 

I do realize I'm wyrd. In addition to being a very old soul. I do know that. I also know why I chose to enter into the cycle of incarnations, it comes back to that question, "If not me than who?" I don't know what label belongs on my wyrdness, truly I don't. I know that what I do is different than what most witches and shamans and spiritualists do, and it's different in the HOW I do it not just the what or why. Others follow the explained rules and paths others show them, even those I teach how to use their gifts I teach by saying, "observe how I do x" and then they can repeat the steps they saw me do if they have an awakened gift of that sort. But they can't just....will something and then manipulate the spirit/energy/light so a way to do it happens. They can't find the loopholes in the rules to shortcut the ritualized steps that they have to learn to follow. It's why Bryce said that the way I work with energy as if it's breathing is elemental not ritualistic. And, I don't like the terms avatar or bodhisattva not because I have issues with the possibility of them, but that they don't suit how I understand me. Also, do I seem like I'm here in the incarnating cycle of souls to deny myself the physical pleasures that make incarnating as a mortal a pleasure? the path of abnegation/asceticism and the middle way and the complete renunciation of all karmic bonds is certainly not my way. I'm not here as an aspect of divinity, I'm here as an agent of change. And I'm not here with the intention of raising collective consciousness through compassion, I'm here as the bridge between the incarnated and unincarnated aspects of spirit since the rules of this Creation say certain interventions and actions within the incarnating cycle of souls can only occur by unincarnated spirits aligned with the unfolding IF an incarnating soul asks for the assistance and asks for the intervention. (Angels are even more a stickler for such rules than those we call gods or devas or fée.) So that's why I genuinely don't know what term is best for me and my spiritual gifts and how I use them. Nothing I know of  quite fits me.... 

I know that I don't like being idolized or put on a pedestal. I don't want fear and I don't want awe. Pedestals are boring and lonely. What I want is to be accepted and loved as I am, as me qua me, with all the amazing things and all the not so great things and all my quirks and my imperfections and the things that are frankly just fucking annoying. I don't want to be feared for my wyrd or because of it, I just want to be accepted as I am in this and any of my incarnations across the cycle of souls. As just me.  That's what I want. 

And then. As far as the bond goes. Well I don't know the right name for that either. I don't remember any lifetime without it though I do remember the lifetime when I promised that in that and any life where he found me and wanted me enough to choose me that I would always choose him if he was even among the possible choices open to me.  And while I don't remember any lifetimes without the bond and the pull of it and the ability to reach him inside me and in my dream spaces, I do remember lifetimes our paths never crossed and we never reached each other in the tangible everyday real life of those incarnations. And. It used to be that for a very long time that no matter what, even with oceans between where we were born, even when oceans were thought insurmountable he would find his way to me. And then suddenly, after the 1400s and one of my deaths then, he just stopped finding me in my living world. And I didn't know why. But it was just, life after life and he wasn't there, he was only pulling at me and in my dreams but never THERE. And, I don't know why exactly, maybe because of how I phrased my promise, but I can always reach him internally and thus know where he is come to him astrally in dreams or waking and I can always recognize him, but I can't find him the way he can always find me. And so when he just stopped finding me and it went on for centuries of lives.....I started to question and assume that maybe it was because he no longer wanted to find me, because he no longer wanted me. Really truly I came to believe that. And The Goddess told me it was stupid, told me that a bond of the sort that pulls isn't something that you can just stop wanting.... But I was coming off two very very short lives with very brutal deaths (one by a house fire when I had polio and the next by firing squad for political reasons along with all my nearest family. And I was going into being born in a life I knew he would be old while I was young because in his last life he lived through three of my deaths. And I just. I was done. I was fed up with it. I didn't CARE that we were continents apart in social strata that didn't cross in a time when international travel existed but was clumsy and difficult. I didn't care. I just knew that it had been fucking forever and I needed to know if it was just because he couldn't find me to reach me in te or if it was because he no longer wanted to find me..... So last life I chose a life in the same country as him and I chose a life path to make sure my face and energy and name shone so brightly and was so alluring that nobody could help seeing it and knowing of me. Because I didn't CARE how much older than me he'd be, I needed to find the way for our paths to cross so I could have answered if the long absence was because of working out karma or because he no longer wanted to find me. So I made my face and energy inescapable to everyone and shine as bright as I possibly could and used every opportunity to get that shininess recorded and spread through everyone. And after our paths crossed I had my answer. *shrugs* and that was really all I wanted from that path and that level of fame -- was to be certain he couldn't possibly miss me not knowing how to find me and to use that to make certain our paths could cross to answer my questioning. 

This time, what I chose for my reward life was that I 1) wanted any soul looking for me to be able to find me 2) I wished to be loved for me qua me not any lie or mask I'd have to wear and 3) for as long as the first two are met then I wanted to grow old because I hadn't in so long. And the cost to make that possible is that in this life I would always be comfortable and my wandering life path would be easy but I would have no fortune or fame or society status or political powers -- I would be just me and this life would never be one for the history books or society at large, it's just for me and for anyone who loves me. Those are the terms for me this life. I stand by them. My changing the world by spiritual cleanup and healing and altering fatelines is me bending the rules but not breaking them -- I gain nothing in the world's eyes by that though I do keep my hand in the good fight that way. I just do it begins the scenes. Where nobody looks and most people can't see. 

But I don't know what the right words are for me and for my wyrd. I don't have a greater purpose for this life. I have one selfish desire and he has to want me enough to choose me of his own free will. And everything else is just me wandering by the whims of what brings me joy and what my gifts lead me to be able to do with whatever situations I encounter.

I don't know if that's enough this life. But it's the best I could come up with.... I don't know if it's what he wants in his life. But it's who and what I am this life and it's the way my life path is constructed this go round. And if you can't love me qua me this life, then even if you find me my path will wander away from you because that was what I asked to be surrounded by in this life. You have to love me just as I am and choose to want to find me and keep me for my terms of this life contract to remain true. And I don't know if that's enough for our life paths to cross and join together, it was just the best I could come up with when choosing for this life while still holding free will sacrosanct. Because how could I just demand I wanted him without him having the free will to choose me or not depending on if he wanted me? What meaning would there be if he had to be with me because I demanded it this life and not because it's what he wants for himself? 

At least that's how I see it and have seen it this life. Still, it's nice to have The Goddess back protecting me and answering me this life. I missed her last life when she told me she didn't approve my choice or my reasons thought it throwing a life opportunity away and then I told her it would be my life to use however I damn well pleased and she could enter the cycle of souls herself if she wanted any say in picking life paths. And that's when she told me she would neither help nor hinder me last life but that in my last life I could never have her favor or her disfavor. 

And. It is nice to have at least crossed paths and to know where he is and what he's choosing to build his life around. It's not everything I selfishly desire, but it's far more than I've had in a really really long time of lifetimes..... And I genuinely love to see the happiness he chooses and finds for his life whenever he seems to have it or to be close enough that he lets himself light up with joy. It makes my heart happy whenever he is lit up in joy. No ulterior motives or demands, just happy to see him lit up in joy.  I'm still plagued with questions and doubts that maybe he doesn't want me this life, doesn't choose me, that I'm no part of the happiness he's seeking and choosing this life. It's a weakness in me and a failing in my logic and personal philosophy that I so easily entertain that premise on every shoddy reactionary sometimes inconsequential things that I then overthink.... But those questions seeded themselves over centuries of lifetimes, the only time they start to fade is whenever his choices make it clear to me that somehow in his eyes and his desires there's a place where I fit in the future he wants to create for himself this life... That's the only time the questions and assumptions that maybe I'm no part of the happiness he seeks this life fade and disappear and seem really fucking stupid I'd even think such a thing.

But that's how it is with me this life. I don't know what names or boxes that makes me and my wyrd. All I have is being honest about me and my subjective version of reality in this time and place of history and space-time. And it's my hope that that can somehow be enough to bridge the long separation in so many recent lifetimes.

 Could I have done more healing on Audrey so she wouldn't even have a limp today? Yes. By raw energy work power I could have. And there are times I do, open wounds, cuts, scrapes, bruises, purging work like reduction of cancers, reversing degenerative damage, taking away pain from others, even knitting bones I'll accelerate the healing work on more than what I did last night (and I dd advance her healing by over a week as well as knitting the tear back together in my work last night.) The thing is, both my studies of western medicine and my experience in laying hands healing have taught me that when it's a torn ligament or muscle, it takes time and gentle exercise strengthening it to get the best healing. If you heal the tear too fast without allowing the muscles connecting to it and supporting the joint to work to stabilize itself then you're more likely to cause an overuse tear somewhere else. It's about stabilizing the muscles around it as it heals, not about how quickly it heals. And also if I take away too much pain, either with pain meds or energy work,then there is an increased risk of re-injury because pain also serves as the reminder to be gentle on yourself and sleep to convalesce heal. Pain exists as a way for your body to talk to you when you don't listen to the cellular chatter -- it's important not to dismiss it entirely unless you have a task to finish.  Also much of my energy work and massaging is going into her other supporting hind leg to make sure she isn't causing minor tears on that side while she's healing and relying more on that one which will become a major acute tear later on.  

So while I could perform an Old Testament prophet or Medieval saint's miracle of laying on hands to have her completely healed and walking with no difficulties as if never injured, and trust me that in any emergency situation I have and I can and I would though open wounds still are best to physically clean and stitch up not just rely on energy work, experience and the best medical knowledge science has given us tells me that with a ligament or muscle tear, steady over time is important and the most important thing for me to do is stitching up the tear with energy work and hold it together with energy while it reconnects and accelerating the healing process while still allowing it to follow the natural course and the strengthening of all the muscles and ligaments nearby.

Also. The reason I use the term energy worker and light worker for me and what I do isn't because I object to the word witch. I use it and other people use it for me and I have accused witches down both sides of the family including the last witch officially burned at the stake in Germany (she was the sister of my great-great-th grandmother on my mom's mom's side, down the maternal only line as per the genealogical research done by my Aunt Judi.) But the reason I'm cautious in using that term for my gifts and how I use them is because of a fundamental difference in HOW I work with power and energy and my gifts.  

One of my very close friends from Irish dance is a Druidic high priest, chaplain, and a gay male witch (also a religious studies major) and who was in college as a freshman my last year - he told me that he always wanted to see the northern lights so knowing their wedding would be in the middle of nowhere in the center of the state I arranged to bring them south enough to dance visibly in peacock greens and purples on the horizons for their wedding. (Aurora northern lights are just a matter of energy and hitting the atmosphere just right to ring like a bell. There are frequently solar flares and solar winds so if you prime the energies right then when even a glancing one hits you can set the colors dancing. And then also, if you look at the north pole and the shape of the aurora curves, they just happen to dip the furthest south at the longitude over Wisconsin so even though I live in southern Wisconsin they still come a-dancing in the skies here more often than they do at other locations on the same latitude. Pretty basic, but lovely. Anyway, my friend Bryce and I were discussing Hindu gods and avatars and reincarnation and his most recent read for his Hinduism class (which I had him forward me because he'd let me known ahead of time he wanted to talk about something in it)  while on a drive to Portage for a dance class.  We were discussing rituals/incantations/spells versus energy work and I was saying how frustrated I get with ritual going through the motions, it's like watching someone do a connect the dots to make the picture they want rather than just drawing a picture of it. (I feel the same way about guided meditations. If you want me to think of nothing, just say so --but we won't get to nothing by imagining the sky painted in changing colored lights. It's pretty, but if you want to think of nothing, then you just clear your head think of nothing. Not even the pretty colors of lucid dreaming/daydreaming in your mind's eyes.) I've also said the same thing about the use of smudging -- that it's the energy of your will that is the cleansing, not the herb burning. If something helps you focus through it, great -- some people need crutches after all.  I mean, in this body, I need glasses or contacts to see clearly. And if you like the smell of a given herb even better. Herbs DO have medicinal properties in the compounds in them, I tend toward saying herbal remedies have more truth to them than essential oils and ritual uses of herbs. But you don't NEED a specific herb and you don't even need to burn anything unless you just like playing with fire (which I do) and it's not what CAUSES the cleansing, you only need it so long as you believe the power resides in it instead of knowing the power is in your own ability to manifest your will. And when we're talking endangered plants like white sage and palo santo, nobody fucking NEEDS that particular herb unless it's religious faith you were born into. Don't destroy species for a cult fad. it's pretty dang simple to me. 

But that's the thing, I don't use energy in a RELIGIOUS way and I treat the gods and goddesses (including The Goddess) with the respect due powerful equals but I do not worship or bend my knee to anyone. Not even the Goddess. And Bryce listened to my exasperation over it and he finally said, "Have you ever considered that some of us DO need it. That not everyone can do what you do. That we can't just manipulate energy in a raw elemental way or talk to gods and angels and fairfolk as if we are equals and one of them? In all my years of paganism and religious studies, you are the ONLY person I've ever met who is able to work energy in such an elemental way. You're the closest I've ever met to an avatar or a boddhisatva. I've known a lot of powerful witches and energy workers, but nobody who's in a living mortal form that wields energy manipulation like breathing air. And describes it that it's that way.  To me it's magic, raw magic, that you can just think and feel and desire and it happens. No words, no rituals, no asking for assistance. I could never do it the way you do without rituals or asking a deity to be intermediary and see it through for me."

And until Bryce said that, I'd never even once considered that most people simply can't work with energies and gifts the way that I do. I'd never even considered that my elemental raw energy approach to using and teaching gifts, whatever gifts a given body is capable of doing, might be different than how people who need the ritualized guides to connect the dots. Me, I just paint whatever it is I get it into my head to paint, I don't need connect the dots to guide me how to draw a tree. It's just energy and my will or whatever I need to do with it to get a job done. As for the energy healing and helping along unincarnated spirits that want to move on but got stuck or need to be moved on because they are harming living beings, that's just a side job I took up because I was bored and didn't no what to do with myself and nobody else was doing it -- if not me than who? Takes a special set of skills to do what I do with that after all wih the stuck and the very powerful unincarnated souls doing mischief here -- lots of mediums just are way posts for the newly dead, or as my good friend AJ says about herself, "I'm like a Kwik Trip for lost souls on their way out from this life. What you do is something else entirely." It's also why I have so many allies, and very powerful allies, this life. They like that I do this and want to help but just needed to be asked or called on and nobody remembers to do that anymore. Also means I have a lot of over-protective uncles and aunties in the spirit worlds of archangels and old deities and fey.

So I don't use the word witch for myself out of respect for those who practice the rituals and the religion and traditions of it in a way that I don't recognize or need. I've also never been part of a coven properly, because I get a fear-awe reaction from them given the amount of raw power and The Goddess always actively surrounding me watching over me. (I have been her high priestess through many many lifetimes going back over 4,500 lives of memories within the cycle of souls. And she treats me in a very special way and is INCREDIBLY protective of me -- she has stripped the powers of lesser witches for crossing me or wishing harm by me. Even after I yell at her and tell her she's being unfair and I didn't ask for it she just calmly tells me that she chooses to protect me because I have a habit of getting myself in trouble and she is outside of and beyond the code of human morals and karmic cycles. Anyone who crosses a chosen high priestess of Hers is crossing Her and She will do whatever She deems best to protect me -- and nothing I say or do can intervene or redeem those stripped power from anyone who picks a fight with me... It's come up, it's the only thing on which The Goddess and I have argued this life. She disapproved entirely of my chosen life path last life, she thought it a waste of my gifts but I wanted to shine so bright that I knew he could find me no matter where in the world he or I might be. I needed to know if the lifetimes of our life paths not crossing was because of working through karmic debts or because he no longer WANTED to find me, no longer wanted me. Best way I could come up with to do that is shine so brightly last life that everyone would know my face and my name and my voice and my fame would last beyond my life. It made sense to me. The Goddess told me I was stupid to waste an entire life to try to answer a question that I should already know the answer to, but that she would neither hinder me nor help me with that life and life path if she couldn't talk me out of it. It cost me in that life, but I got the answer I wanted, eventually, so I'm happy with my choice for last life. Though I think this one even better. But in this life, if you cross me or betray me or do wrong by me, The Goddess will strip you over whatever powers you had and you will be answering to her for you actions. And her rules and moral code are not something the modern world is built to recognize. But yeah, you do wrong by me it's not me you will answer to, I'll shrug and forget and toss it off as your karma -- but The Goddess calls me too forgiving and says that I don't fully appreciate or understand how a slight toward me is a slight toward Her for Her choosing me all those millennia ago and She WILL NOT be slighted by any mere mortal incarnating souls... And She's my oldest ally and protector since I entered the cycle of souls as an incarnating soul, but I make no claims to control her or have much sway with her once She makes Her mind up about how She will handle things. She's who you're answering to if your life has felt crossed ever since you chose to do wrong by me. But not because I bend my knee to her. Because she's like the most over-protective sister-aunt-godmother-cousin that anyone could ever have. And She genuinely sees doing wrong by me as doing wrong by Her, especially from anyone who ought to have known better in Her opinion.)

So am I a witch? Yes if we're talking my manipulation of raw energy and power and my various spiritual gifts. (And yeah, when I get angry I go all Carrie on electrical and lights until I get my temper under control. I don't mean to, it just happens. Like static.) And am i a witch by bloodline? Yes. Actually I am accused and burned witch blood on my mother's side. Just as I'm part Gypsy and part Native American on my mother's side and on my dad's side Ashkenazi and Sephardic and Hungarian Jewish on my dad's side.  But the term witch as a religious or ritual term or as a Wiccan or other religious path that bends the knee to any deity? No that doesn't apply to me. And as I respect Catholics enough not to receive Communion even to fit in because it's not my path or my beliefs, so I hesitate over calling myself a witch in honor of those who follow Wiccan or other pagan ritualized religion paths. 

As for you or anyone else calling me Witch, you're not wrong. I'm just me. Witch isn't any more wrong than elf princess or fairy child or precog or prophetess or even avatar or boddhisattva -- though I sure as Hell ain't ready to give up the pleasures of the world because what else is the point of being isnide the incarnations rather than immortal if not to enjoy the pleasures of it? You can call me whatever term you want for my gifts and how I manipulate chi/prana/energy like breathing in oxygen breathing out carbon dioxide. Just, try not to let fear or awe have you put me on a pedestal -- pedestals are lonely places and they make me act out when I find myself on them.

But witch isn't wrong for me. it's incomplete and I don't exactly fit that box. but if it's a word or concept that you're comfortable with for me, it's also not wrong.

Also. Are you watching the moon tonight? Did you SEE how beautiful the moon rise tonight?!?! Technically waning gibbous because the exact full moon was earlier today when it wasn't above the horizon visible. But full moon energetically is a day or two either side of the exact moment. And this is the first moon rise since it hit full. AND it's the closest that the moon will be this entire year! And dang son but it's a gorgeous moonrise! So happy full moon!!! She's a beautiful one tonight!

So, on the scale from 1 to "Yes I'm a lightworker and yes I will use my gifts to heal my dog from unnecessary protracted suffering. because I can." And yes I will use more power in one evening to work on the accelerated "miraculous" healing of a dog than most people feel flowing through them in a lifetime. But if I can do it, why wouldn't I? She was in so much pain, my poor sweet baby girl..... And the thing is, I'd do it again. It's entirely what you should expect of me. I get migraines from not using my gifts I have them to fill needs. They're meant to be used.

She kept her chin up and luckily there were pill pockets at work that Karissa had brought in because her little girl Chewie won't eat them. I mean, she was thinking for Sarah when she brought them in on Tuesday (because Cooper has to take heart meds every day) but he has a preferred variety of pill pockets made by Milkbone which she needs to buy more of so Sarah took him one of each kind to try and they both told me to take these if Audrey will eat them. 

 

And Audrey gobbled her first round down. (I also took one of the treats and tore it into but added no pills to it to give Sophie since she was here and worried about Audrey when we came in. I have enough of these for 5 days at 12 hour intervals. And Sarah said she would pick up some of the milkbone ones for me as well when she buys more for Cooper because even if Audrey doesn't like those, Cooper will use them. 

And she kept up the brave front and drummed up as much sympathy (and treats) as possible from everyone here once she had her rimadyl and gabapentin in her. 

 

And then I took her slowly on a hobble journey to go pee. Then afterward she lay down stretched out under my desk, where she'd be safe from people accidentally stepping on her or tripping over her but right close by me as possible. And then after everyone left, I checked on her again and took some pictures for Ms Mikaela and Audrey was just so pitiful as a puppy.... 

And I did some energy healing work with her then and let her go back to sleep. Then a couple hours later I checked on her again asked her if she wanted to open her BarkBox (which came in today) and she just begged me if we could save it for a day when she had more energy for joy in it.... She's never done that before. Not since we first signed up for it. Even yesterday she had to inspect my box of books that came in to make sure it wasn't actually a dog treat/toy box with books on top.  I also asked her if she was hungry and she was, but she didn't want to eat her food because she's worried her leg will collapse on her again as it did this morning while trying to poop. I did get her to eat a couple more treats though and brought her water to her and she drank some. And then I let her sleep.

And then this last set was a couple hours later after I did the allowed 10-15mins of icing with an ice pack made of half isopropyl alcohol half water (this works better for dogs, especially smaller dogs, than what's recommended for humans because it gets super chilled but stays liquid so it can flow in and around all the connective tissues. Just use a towel so you don't cold blister the skin. but same with humans, lol.) And while I was holding the ice pack there I did 10-15mins of raw energy work on her. 

And then at 12:30 (9 hours after her first dose of meds and 5 hours after I started doing energy work on her) she shook herself, heaves a good sort of sigh, stood up all on her own and walked out into the light to tell me that actually she WOULD very much like to open her BarkBox after all. And she stood the whole time we opened it and she tried all the treats and played with her new unicorn toy.  (She even tried to hop up excited as I was lowering it down until I sternly reminded her there would still be no jumping or hopping yet. She also wanted to try to jump into the car instead of me lifting her in....)

AND. After that, she walked over to her bowl, ate every bite of kibble and drank a lot of water. Then she let me take her outside and even though I stood nearby just in case (her leg collapsed under her while pooping right before taking her to the vet) she pooped and then defiantly walked a bit further from me to pee to show that she wouldn't need me to help her with that. The. She walked back in by herself and stayed standing and walked herself to the car where I lifted her in. 

Then we were almost home when Billy Joel ended and Meatloaf came on the radio so I drove us in circles. And my station hopping found Sucker and we pulled in and I parked and started to put her harness on and then the opening notes of Mark Croft's Walking in Memphis came on and she gave me the biggest pleasing eyes and I said, "Aw hell. Sure yeah, let's drive around the neighborhood blocks some more love. I can't turn this song off. And she wagged her tail licked my hand. And then we caught U2 Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For which ended just as I parked in my stall in the garage and I very quickly turned off the car. Just in case.

And as for me saying that I'm overweight lacking tone. I mean, yeah I've been in better shape in the past but I'm also not trying or doing anything about it the last couple years and some of it is entirely and purely recovering dancer body dysmorphia.  Because this is my actual level of overweight and "lack of muscle tone" atm -- while wearing a kids sized tank top from Target. A tanktop with various cartoon animals on water floaties from the kids section worn over a 28H bra, lol. 

So I mean. Yeah. That's me currently thinking I'm out of shape and overweight. And after pouring so much healing energy into a 30lb dog that she went from unable to put weight on the leg or stand up on her own to happily standing up and playing and walking around and trying to jump on it. 

Also. If you were curious about the story about the time in the Leo season before my 13th birthday when I got in a bike accident put a hole in my right leg that took 26 stitches only 15 external and was large enough to put an entire fist inside, was within half a centimeter of bleeding to death, I can tell it. It's the scar that determines my, "eh that's too short an inseam or mini skirt without shorts underneath" The scar is still 4.5" long straight across my right inner thigh, about 2" inseam down from my crotch. It's why without surgery I'll likely never have an insta worthy thigh gap because after that accident right as I was going through puberty's and my body decided that along with the other changed it would put extra muscle and fat protection over my inner thighs as that healed. Even at my most fit and skinny I have muscular quads never chicken leg thighs.  Just in case I ever decided to put another fist sized hole in my thigh. 

It's the battle scar of one of my all too many "I should be dead" stories.... And yeah I really did have a gaping hole that big in my leg and put my leg back over the bike and my right foot on the pedal to get back going when my camp counselor at Shalom Noar shouted at me, "DANIELLA! GET OFF THAT BIKE IMMEDIATELY! YOU NEED AN AMBULANCE NOT TO FINISH THIS BIKE RIDE!" Whoops ... But that's the level of stoic bitch in me if you ever have to deal with seeing how much pain and damage I'll take and keep going... You're better off not letting me play that game. Because if Jaime hadn't yelled at me, I was completely ready to bike all the way back to camp with a gaping hole in my thigh less than eighth of an inch from a major artery that if nicked will kill you in 2.5mins from blood loss.

But. Now it's time to give the dog her next round of pain meds and I'll leave the Billy Joel mix on while we snuggle and energy work and then sleep. So the full story of my bike accident the summer before I turned 13 is a story that must await another time if you don't already know it....