I forgot until this morning that stinging nettles help with allergies specifically as an antihistamine by destroying excess histamine. They don't know why, but it's attested back to the ancient Egyptians. I forgot that allergy relief  as a natural antihistamine is one of its many medicinal properties for the same reason I forgot that DAO is the enzyme that breaks down histamine - I memorized it at some point but since most of my allergies are food related or topical skin sensitivity up til now, my brain didn't need to remember it and filed it away deep in memory archives. I could have checked in my medicinal herbal books for what helps with allergies, but mostly I'd just been enduring as stoic as possible not even thinking about what I could do to help actively get the excess histamine out of my system. 

Luckily, like all good witches and herbalists across the millennia, I always have dried nettle on hand - though mostly I use it as a skin poultice when I get hives or contact dermatitis. And I don't harvest it myself even though fresh nettle is very healthy greens for you mostly because it's a fucking pain if you don't boil it enough to get all the spines out. I just buy my nettle dried loose leaf from various herbalists/tea shops. It's too much of a pain to work with even when I pull it out of the garden. If I had nowhere to buy it, I know how to harvest it and use it, but it's easy enough to buy.  

So this morning I brewed some as tea and added some wild clover honey to it (nettle doesn't usually taste good even to me, it's very herbaceous and earthy and a bit astringent - healthy af, but not particularly tasty. So it's one that even I tend to put honey in when I add nettle to teas.) And this is the best I have felt since my body kicked into histamine production overdrive while I was in Washington and one of the Great Pollenings occured. (This is what my sister calls it. A couple times in Spring, the huge spruces release massive amounts of pollen, visibly looks like rain but with a gold color to it, and it coats everything. My sister never had allergies until moving out there but The Great Pollenings get her and Monroe every time. I was fine during it, not schmutzy at all, unlike the rest of them, but my hands over reacted to a soap broke out in contact dermatitis my last day there (increased dermatitis and rashes can be a sign of excess histamine in the body.) And then I came back and gave myself hives AND a throat swelling reaction to coconut across a couple days time so my body created even more histamine. And I've been in an awful state of excess histamine and seasonal allergies type constant runny nose and itchy ears since Tuesday or so. Even after removing all coconut which was triggering increased histamine production. Also I had my period in there so the estrogen decreasing DAO production made the increased histamine production even more difficult on me. (I didn't mention it before because it was literally Tuesday at 11am until Thursday at 6pm this time  My periods are mostly bloat free, cramp free, no acne, painless and short, usually about 2.5 days - I get irrationally irritated the fee rimes it has gone on into a fourth day of dealing with the mess of them. About the only major PMS thing I get is I crave dark chocolate more and I take things deeper to heart am more likely to cry right before and during my period. If it hadn't been my period, I wouldn't have teared up over giving up my Christmas in Paris tea, would have just stoically accepted the necessity and made me do it. But overall, I have an easier time during my periods other than the obvious nuisance of the mess than any other woman I've ever met. And yeah, I know I'm very lucky and spoiled. It's a humble brag I don't often discuss because it gives guys the icks to discuss menstruation and it makes other women feel bad and that it's unfair mine are so easy when their periods are so rough.)

I fell rather sheepish I didn't think until this morning to brew a cuppa nettle tea to help with the excess histamine production in my system. Sometimes, for someone so smart I do the dumbest things out of stoicism and stubbornness..... but I'm grateful my intuition finally got through to me insisting I needed to make and drink it and then I did and my subconscious reminded me the other main medicinal use for nettles. I'll not be forgetting this one again. That was more days of unnecessary suffering the annoyance of allergies than I needed. I  may have to buy more soon though depending on how long I need to keep adjusting down my histamine levels until I'm back to normal. On verra. For now I'm just grateful they help.

Thank goodness for nettles! And I never thought that would be among my sunrise gratitude's, but here we are, lol 

Now. Time to get ready and head out to meet Crissy for Farmer's Market! 

 O I have the most intense sad upon me right now, crying for no bloody damn reason. And. I don't even think it's my sad. I think it's his. Hell if I understand why though.... 

Between the sun burn (which any redness in my face or eyes always make my eye color greener) and the crying for no reason (excess moisture in my eyes makes them bluer) my eyes are a super intense aquamarine right now. I look like shit because I'm exhausted and still have excessive histamine in my system and I'm sunburned - but my eyes are a super intense beautiful color. 

Here, I haven't many words and my dog is still chewing happily on a bone at my feet. So here are some not particularly flattering selfies of how sunburned I got. And a pic for how well tired and histamine filled and sunburned can be hidden by dim lighting at a concert venue. (Concert was so good! Glad I was seated din the balcony not standing in mass crowd because I was not up for that tonight -- but the band was delightful and high energy.) And then the after I'm home in my PJs (yeah, my shirt IS a line from Hamlet and yes I did buy it at the gift shop at The Globe Theatre in London) after putting more aloe on my face harsh light of my living room. (Side note: if you're ever looking for my aloe gel, don't check medicine cabinets, check the fridge. Anyone fair skinned who gets sunburned often will tell you chilled aloe on a sunburn still hot to the touch feels like heaven. So my aloe gel is always ready chilling in the fridge for when sunburns happen.)

Yeah yeah I know. I'm a chameleon hard to comprehend the way my eyes and hair can be that many different hues across one single day with no filters....the reality is that many and more - those are just the handful of times I tried to take pictures of me today. *shrugs* yeah yeah I know. Elf child.... would you believe me if I said the chameleon eyes/hair is one of the most scientifically explicable and least fae all of my random Elvish tendencies and gifts? 

I have sea colored eyes and hair that's dark auburn inside but turns to a halo of flame colors in natural light. Green-grey-blue eyes change colors more than any others - my da has hazel eyes and my mom has baby blues and so many vary every shade of sea color imaginable from deep greens to bright blues to steely storm grey to shining silver to turquoise aquamarine Caribbean/Mediterranean sea. My eye color changing depends on my mood, the colors I'm wearing, skin/makeup tone, how watery or dry my eyes are, who/what I'm looking at, strong emotions.... I literally have no idea what color they are at any given moment without a picture or a mirror and no matter what color I put on official documents it's wrong as often as it's right, lol. And then I've never dyed my hair, this is just the phenotype that my mutt genetics express at this time. My hair grows stupidly fast and there tends to be about a 7 year cycle of it being lighter or darker or redder or straighter or curlier, but you can find strands of all the colors in it no matter which is dominant at any given season.  My mom has blond hair (her mom has strawberry blonde) and my da has deep chestnut almost black with dark red in the sun (except when he dyes it black to cover the grey hairs) so I have red hair gene down both sides and blonde recessive from my mom. If I had kids with a guy who was blonde then a 50% chance our kids would have blonde hair. Well I guess if one of his parents had red hair or a red recessive then 50% chance of blonde or redhead....and if he carried redhead genes then higher likelihood they'd have the auburn sort of hair I have than that they'd have plain brown with no red or blonde in it. My hair has a lot of natural highlights in it that are literally golden and copper stranded - even inside where it tends to look nut brown unless backlit it has a marmalade or woodgrain effect if you run the strands of it through your fingers. And when natural light hits my hair, as long as my hair is dry not wet, all those metallic gold and copper strands shine like metal reflect back the light make that coppery-gold halo effect. Surprisingly to most people, my mom tans a beautiful golden tawny color that almost never burns while both my sister and I get the pale skinned with freckles and mole speckles from my dad's Hungarian Jewish side (the same side as the red hair genes and the green in the eye color) where we start to sunburn in literally 6.5mins in direct sun. 

Genetics are weird, non? Damnit my eyes are tearing up again for no reason. I best head to bed and reassure that boy down the bond that I love him because this is really all echoing from him and his self doubts right now. I'm not even overthinking or over feeling right now, just too tired to control my gifts including rein in the empathy gifts to manageable unblurred lines of emotional bleeding between me and those I love dearly. Also. Why is he so sad and forlorn feeling right now tonight? Je ne comprends pas..... But what my intuition tells me he needs is to feel my love for him and to find his hope/faith he can find the path to whatever he sets his heart on reaching. And my body tells me it needs to rest and sleep in tomorrow. And I can best accomplish both these things by heading to bed and curling up into the bond flooding him with my love of him and trying to meet him somewhere in shared dream space reaching for each other across the physical separation. So that's my plan. Bonne nuit. 

Well. I'm heading to bed as soon as my dog finishes chewing on her bone. If I head to bed while she's chewing, she'll get up to follow me and it's giving her such joy right now and she's 15 years old doggo - I firmly believe in spoiling her completely letting her have as much joy as she can find in anything in her life because I have no idea how long she'll be in my life still. When she was a small 12 week puppy, I prophesied she'd die at 21.5 years of age and everyone laughed but now Mikaela tells the pupkin quite fiercely that it's a promise Audrey made to her after I said it so she HAS to be keep it. But also, even if we assume she lives as long as I randomly decreed, we're nearly 70% of the way to that arbitrary death date I said.  And Lord knows I'mma be a wreck whenever she dies - she's the first pet that was mine personally bonded just to me not a family pet. So while I have my Audrey Pupburn, anything that brings her joy is something I'll stand behind letting her have. Even if it's the only thing standing between me and sleep and she would gladly set aside her chew to snuggle with me in bed. 

Ope! She just happily set her chew down with a sigh, looked up at me wagging her tail and is pointing down the hall to bed. She won't actually go to the bedroom without me, but she's old and sometimes her hips ache and now she's up why make her sleep on the floor and try to get up off slippy bamboo if she doesn't have to? 

Good night. Sweet dreams. May your dreams bring you to your heart's desire and may your subconscious find you the path of hope and choices that will guide you to claiming that dream into your real life. 

 Mmmm, I'm in a really happy state of post food nirvana right now after going out to eat on the patio at Vintage Brewing Co (where the dogs can goin is if leashed) and having a Boysenberry Pie sour beer (avoiding hops because clearly my histamine levels are off the charts reactive lately so guaranteed will react to most American hops even if not an IPA, and it was sunny nearly 70F so dark beers didn't suit the day) paired with a mixed greens salad with strawberries, blueberries, feta cheese, candied walnuts and blackened salmon and Green Goddess dressing. Currently laying on the hammock I setup with my book, ostensibly waiting for the mechanics to call for me to pickup my car -- but mostly just basking in the sun debating if I should take out back on my black cardigan or keep it off. And by basking, I mean every inch of me not covered by clothes or hair is currently getting sunburned because past the 6.5mins of sun exposure I get before the sunburn prickles start in. And I got sunburn prickly about 10mins ago, lol.  So tee shirt line sunburn for tomorrow is a given at this point, lol. 

Later tonight I'm headed to to The Majestic for a concert. My mom is super obsessed with Gang of Youths (an Aussie rock band) and very excited they're coming here on their tour so I promised her I'd go with her. Doors at 7pm CT show starts at 8pm CT. So unless you're at Majestic Madison tonight, don't expect to see or hear from me until late tonight.  Tonight I'll be at a concert with my maman.

Sun feels so good on Barr skin, but why the redhead gene fair skin gotta play me like tis with the already sunburning?!?! Bah! Ain't nobody gonna be touching me but my clothes and my sheets in the time u til it heals. A girl can let herself burn. (I mean, I really shouldn't because skin cancer - but right now it feels too nice on my first sunny over 65F day for me to be responsible and nobody is currently here to chastise me for my stupidity. I know the consequences of these choices, and I am choosing to bare skin bask in the sun even though I burn for that choice. Future me might be upset with me and rue my impulsivity, but present me thinks this is delightful! 

P. S. Went on a rabbit hole deep dive about biochemical pathways of histamine in humans and learned that estrogen binds to the mast cells that produce DOA, the enzyme that breaks down histamine, and with insufficient DOA production, women can have more intense histamine reactions at certain times of their cycle (or while pregnant which I'm not or on certain hormonal birth control) which leads to increased allergic reactions even to things you don't typically react to. So if I wait and I'm good and don't do things to increase my histamine levels, I could actually be able to have coconut again in the future depending on where in my cycle I am and if I expose myself to dietary or environmental histamine producers. Which for my curry loving still pouting about giving up my Christmas in Paris inner sad is fabulous news! Because it means there's hope that saying farewell for now may legitimately allow me to bring it back into my life somewhere in a less histamine state of being. Which makes me almost as happy as crisping, I mean basking, in the sun on this hammock right now.

P. P. S. Literally just hit post when Wrench called to say I could pickup my car. So somebody out there is looking out for my skin. Ain't me, I'm just gonna move the hammock and come back out to it after I pickup my car, but angle of the sun will be at least a little less. And anyway, vitamin d is necessary to break down histamine. The sun burning is all in the name of reducing the histamine in my body right now. That's my story a d I'm sticking to it for now, dang it. Has nothing to do with my only ability to resist temptation to be in removing temptations from me, lol

Earlier this week I had a dream with Eric in it. Not a vision dream, not a polar bear dream, no fairfolk in it. A just him qua him dream. 

It was fairly straightforward, but sweet.

We were lying in a bed, not my bed just a bed. And I was laying on his chest and he was holding me while finger combing through the curls of my hair. And he said, "I know that you don't think I want you and you think there's no place in my life for you. But I promise you that's not my truth. You are the happiness I'm seeking. You always have been. Please, just hold space for the possibility of that being my truth. Hold faith in me until I find how to tell you my truth in my own time and in my own way.  I promise I will. Just. Don't give up on us yet. Say you'll give me a chance and listen to me when I tell you my truths. I just need to believe that."

That was it. That was the entire dream.

I don't have much to write about right now. Just normal life stuff. Also my head is actually quiet and I'm not really over-thinking anything. I mean, I'm definitely over-thinking my coconut allergy and how much it sucks for me and going to make life harder given that my palm allergy is even worse. (Instant dermatitis and itchy hives from palm oil on my skin -- I'm pretty sure it was the palm oil in the soap at my sister's that started the entire contact dermatitis issue initially.  Although I suppose so far palm oil hasn't caused issues when I ingest it...so maybe the coconut allergy is now worse than the palm oil derivatives. At least not that I've noticed. If it becomes an issue ingesting it, I'll discover it right quick given that palm oil is in pretty much everything that you don't make from scratch. Including Girl Scout cookies.)  But I mean, overthinking my rapidly worsening coconut allergy making life more difficult for me is different from overthinking about Eric or anything related to him. I'm in a fairly inner calm tranquil place on that -- the acceptance that the love IS but that I can't force anything to come of it in this life unless that's what he wants -- and I can't know what he actually wants unless and until he knows and decides what he wants for himself in his life.

Got an email last night from APT Box Office that they canceled the Oct 4 performance of The Moors. So I guess we won't be going for our birthday twin birthday celebration this year. Crissy swung by after work to discuss dates with me and my mum so the three of us can make a list of best dates for us (only a couple dates work for my mother though because she wants to keep September open in case they head out to Montana in the fall) and then tomorrow I can call the Box Office to exchange the ticket dates. I'll call them sometime after they open up at 10am, after I drop my car off at the mechanic. (My driver's side headlight went out on Saturday evening and the person who used to help me with simple car tasks like that moved away. I know one side of the Scion is easy to replace headlights and the other is a bitch because of how tight Toyota engineered their engines -- and I know it's the opposite way that the Prius I used to drive. But hell if I remember which is the easy one and which the hard one in the Scion and so I'm just going to have Wrench auto do it. but the soonest they can do it is Thursday morning. I know it should be easy enough and I can get a headlight much cheaper at like Weaver Auto Parts but I don't know how to do it myself and I can't remember if this is the easy or hard one to deal with so I'd rather just let someone who knows what they're doing deal with it for me.)

 I have gone through my tea blends and there are only 3 affected by my worsening coconut allergy -- only 2 of which I have at home. I verified on Churchill's website to confirm my visual check. The aforementioned Coconut chai which I had at home and work, Christmas in Paris (one of my all time favorites, it tastes like a chocolate croissant in a cup) at home and work, and French macaron rooibos herbal which I only had at work sharing with my mom. The Christmas in Paris one hits hard, it's a personal favorite and I just ordered like 8oz more of it back in January....but just opening it to smell it this morning made my inner ears itch and my throat start swelling up..... So it will have to exit my life before I make an impulsive bad decision that it's too damn tasty and worth the risk.... 😭 I trust present me after how miserable last night was, but future me is a wildcard should not be trusted with resisting such temptation. Better to remove it from the risk of temptation now. Because, like, I definitely teared up a bit when just smelling the Christmas in Paris tea made my throat and ears itch.... And it's a stupid thing to tear up about in an objective scheme of things, but also it's something I love and have loved across several years now and it makes me happy is associated with pleasant memories. So subjectively, giving it up sucks and makes me sad...Even if it's just tea.. 

I also went through my pantry and removed 3 cans of coconut milk for cooking curries and 2 jars of Target's organic Tikka masala simmer sauce. (Their Tikka masala is actually quite tasty to throw in a stir fry and much quicker/easier than making my own.) I plan to bring all of them into work to offer my mom and Sarah and Crissy. Along with the unopened box of caramel delites Girl Scout cookies in my desk at work.  

And that's it. That's everything I currently have that's got coconut in it. I'll double check skin and hair care products tomorrow and chuck anything that's a problem. For right now, I have to take my grandma to an appointment. As soon as she ever finishes brushing her teeth before we go... (traffic was a clusterfuck of stupid drivers getting here and so I'm a bit on edge about time.)

My coconut allergy is getting worse and worse and it's multi system now and while I never loved coconut there are lots of things I do love that coconut is in. This sucks and is going to make my life way harder but also it really really sucks. And not just because one of the boxes of Girl Scout cookies I ordered is a box of Caramel Delites. Or because I love curries and it's one of my go to food choices when I don't know what I want and now I can't do curries with coconut milk?! But because remember that contact dermatitis I got from the upstairs soap at my sister's house? Well I decided this weekend to use an oil based lotion as it absorbs better for my skin and didn't realize that coconut oil was one of the top 3 ingredients in it and it made the back of my hands where the contact dermatitis was already bad swell up in hives and then some of it got under my rings and so my fingers swelled up and I got hives under my rings.... And I took them off to shower this morning but the hives under the rings were so bad I decided to wait to put any rings back on until my hands heal up a bit more. And then I handed off the Trader Joe's lotion with coconut oil to Sarah and Mikaela and told them not to ever ever ever let me use it again. And also I just made a cuppa coconut chai (one of my many favorite teas that have coconut slivers in it) and I tried to drink it and my throat closed up and I got an instant headache and I lost my voice again (my voice was shot on Saturday and Sunday when I also had teas with coconut and used the coconut oil lotion so i told my parents I wouldn't go to my grandma's for a Passover brisket dinner just in case I was sick -- because I didn't feel sick but I was having bad laryngitis from histamine and after traveling I couldn't be certain. And now after one sip of coconut chai, my voice is gone again and my hands itch again and I have instant headache..... 

And it all started with a natural deodorant that has coconut oil in it that made me start breaking out in hives. So like soaps and lotions and shampoos and conditioners without coconut oil? ufght. Especially when you break out in itchy red hives from both palm oil and petroleum derived products (including mineral oil) -- basically for soaps I can do Castille soap and glycerin soaps. For lotions and hair products and such, olive oil, beeswax, argan oil, almond oil, Shea butter, jojoba oil are all fine as long as there's absolutely no petroleum or palm or coconut derived products or synthetic perfumes that I duce migraines.  If I ever develop a soy allergy as well, it'll be all be natural cooked meals and almost entiry home-made products for me moving forward.

But also, now I have to dump out this tea because it's making me sick. And I'm hoping that maybe MAYBE if I take a break from coconut for a nice long while I'll be able to have small amounts of coconut eventually again. It's a long shot but worth it. Because curries... Like, if I have to give up all other things with coconut anything in them, I'd like to still be able to have curries with coconut milk. Because curries are so delicious and a lot of curries are made with coconut milk in the US....

Also though, have you ever had hives under a ring and had your fingers swell up so you questioned if you could even get the rings off?! Yeah. bad times. Do not recommend. At all....

Also. I'd like to have my histamine-induced laryngitis chill a bit and get my voice back again. Ugh. (Also it's been a legit concern for me that my cascade/Citra hop allergy could turn anaphylactic given that it causes bronchial and laryngeal swelling -- so I'm really unhappy to have coconut now cause the same reaction in me. Because you don't fuck around and find out with things that make your throat swell up and could make you stop breathing....And when you can't eat pork and stick to organic/natural hippie products due to migraines and other sensitive skin reactions, it's really fucking hard to avoid coconut...and my choices are avoid it or have difficulty breathing that might continue to get worse....) Also. How do I make the inside of my ears and my throat stop itching and swelling up? Asking for a friend..... But especially the inside of my ears itching.... Ugh. So far, itching inside my Eustachian tubes are just a histamine reaction to specific types of hops and IPA beers and now coconut. (Imagine if I decided to have a coconut IPA, lord G-d almighty my ears are itching and my throat is swelling up just thinking about it....) And it's really really really fucking annoying. Do not recommend. Kinda want to claw my own inner ears out right now.... And that from just one sip of the coconut chai.... 

So, um, yeah, I need to make me gift away all my teas with coconut in them, shouldn't I? Tomorrow. After my throat is no longer so swollen and my ears stop itching...I'm never going to get to sleep with the insides of my ears itching this abominably. Fucking Eustachian tubes histamine reaction.... What sort of sadistic god thought THAT was a good idea in the design of human anatomy anyway?! I have some words I'd like to have with them on the subject....

 So I noticed something just now. And perhaps I used to know it and forgot or perhaps I never knew it before this or perhaps I have thought myself in so many circles about why things are a mess that I lost sight of the things that do still work. I can't tell you with any degree of certainty which of those it is -- only that I just noticed it and this morning it seems incredibly important to me. 

So what I noticed was that when I feel/think down the bond the simple truth of my love for him, when it reaches him there's an immediate rush of love from him down the bond. Such a simple thing, like holding someone's hand and when you squeeze their hand they squeeze your hand back. But. I think. It's important. And I'm glad I noticed it.

Because, I think, in all my overthinking in circles about why it can't work this life and all my self-denial martyring to try to make me accept that, I lost sight of the realization I had that the bond is both of ours stretched between and anchored in each of us. And that to feel his most whole inside he needs to feel that my love for him IS just as much as I need to feel that his love for me IS. Setting aside all the shadows of things that are currently in the way, there's something healing and rejuvenating in the reassurance and reminder that the love from the other person IS. Without it, there's no proper rest and no hope and things start to feel meaningless that before held meaning. 

And. I've got so focused on what a mess everything is and on why I should accept letting him go that it's been a long time since I sent him just the purity of my love that IS and exists regardless of anything external. And I didn't realize until just now this morning how starving his soul was for the warmth of feeling that my love for him IS. Not in the reassuring empty air of words, in the soul deep knowing level that something EXISTS and that its existence brings your heart joy.  

I need to send him via the bond my love that he IS more frequently than I have been. Not for the rush of love in return (though I won't lie that makes my heart happy) but because I think he needs it more than I understood and because in trying to accept letting him go out of my life path I have avoided letting myself feel how much I love him for the same reason you avoid poking at a bruise if you want it to heal. But the love still IS. And I should make certain he knows that and it reaches him. So he doesn't get to doubting it even existed or starving for it and having no means to get it.  

And he deserves to feel my love for him IS as a just because rush of love that he didn't expect or see coming, not only the times it's a response when his love floods into me. 

It's not a world shaking epiphany to have noticed, but still I consider it important. And I intend to honor the realization now that I've had it. Because. No matter anything else, there's always inside me my love for him and my joy that his soul exists. and he deserves to know and feel certain of my love and joy that he IS even if we aren't lucky enough to find a way for us to be together in shared life paths this lifetime. 

For the record:

Working on letting go and teaching myself not to care about me not having any place in his life or let it matter to me has really not gone well for me. I mean, we're this many years after when I started trying to make me do it and if you hadn't noticed I'm still going in the same circles. It's really not going well.

But then. I don't know what else to do besides try to accept the way things are because it's not like anything I can do can change things to make this better. So I mean, if I can't change it, accepting that there's no place for me in his life and that he doesn't want me in it, what is there for me except trying to teach me to accept it?

I haven't had a better idea since I realized that my short lived hope across the summer of 2019 that them going indie meant that what had happened in their name while they were signed to a country label could be acknowledged and made right. Which wasn't so much an idea as a grasping at straws eternal optimist loophole way out excuse I found that they chose not to take. It's why I treated the Ann Arbor, Chicago, and Minneapolis shows in November 2019 (which I had bought the tickets to during the summer months I had hoped things were changing for the better) as me bidding them farewell. And why I refused to even look at him in Ann Arbor because I knew it would only make things harder for me to let go... An  intention which I broke in Chicago because the temptation got to be too much for me and I just wanted to make sure he was doing fine and he was happy all lit up from his heart and soul. Which he was incandescent with joy the entire time I let me look at him. Minne in November 2019 was the last time I let me look at him, it was soon after that I made me unfollow his socials.

I mean obviously me not having to think in this way about him, not having that premise in my head, would be preferable and a much better choice. But that's not how it is.... Preference doesn't change reality. Reality is. And what we can do with that reality is limited by the options available to our choices. And my choices here are limited at this time to accepting reality as it is and his free will choices and to wish him the happiness he seeks in his life. I'd choose that last one anyway, in all possible realities, no matter where his happiness led him.

I still suck at accepting this set of premises and making me let him go almost as much as I suck at pessimism and knitting. And I REALLY suck at both pessimism and knitting... I mean, REALLY suck. Nobody has yet fathomed how one person doing every step right under strict supervision can get such a snarled tangled mess other than the assumption that I have invisible attendant pixies tying elf knots in the yarn as I go.  It even works if other people try to knit in my presence, including people who are fantastically incredible knitters. And I'm even worse at pessimism. I was once trying to be pessimistic and got really upset I kept failing at being a pessimist but wound up optimistic that if I just kept trying I could eventually succeed at pessimism.  

So far I'm pretty much on track with my successes at knitting and pessimism as far as my any success developed over the last several years to teach me not to care and not to let it bother me. Basically it's a fucking tangled mess that I keep telling myself I will eventually succeed at if I just keep trying no matter how many times I fail.

 The bond is really strong and flooded with love from him again right now. It isn't always. but right now it is. It's like there's the normal level, and then sometimes it's just like high tide flood of love. That's how it is right now. It was last night as well (despite my overthinking and need to find the words to describe how/why I was reading him and reacting to him in the ways I am at this time) and it was the night before that when I slept and spent time cuddling with my dog and my cat.

I have no idea why. I only know is. 

And what I know about "is" right now is that there's an absolute flood of love and affection and need and... pulling the bond tighter to him claiming it as his own... right now that wasn't there earlier today or even earlier tonight. And it's strong and heady but not like you could drown it the way sadness or intense negative emotions can feel. This is a joyous sort of lifting full of bubbles of light feeling to it, you just float on the surface of its effervescence lighting you up as it carries you along with it.

And I don't know why it is that way right now. But I'm going to turn into it and let it carry me along on it right now. Because I'd rather embrace it accept it for however long I have it flooding into me than try to deny it or live without it pouring into my third eye flooding me full of love and light. Even if I can't even begin to guess at the why of it.

 Do I like these conclusions? No

Do I want to accept these conclusions? No

Do my likes or desires affect the truths of what has happened so far? No

Do I hate this lens as a way of understanding his words and actions? Yes

Do I accept it anyway? Yes

Is this fair to me? No

Is this fair to him? No 

Does it get me anything I desire for my own soul's sake? No

 Are the boundaries that defined and created this lens ones I created? No

So do I have any right to destroy or alter these boundaries that aren't mine? No

Is there a more ethical way for me to navigate these boundaries others created that separate him from me? Not that I have found. If I found a more ethical/fair way to navigate this, I would already have taken it

*shrugs* Find me a better way and I'll take it. But I've tried and I've tried and I've tried and this is the best I have found to understand what has happened and the way things are now. Thus far, for now, this is the best route I can find for me to ethically navigate this situation and the boundaries that others created and currently separate us.

Until there's a better way through, I accept this as the best I can do with what is at my disposal given the way things are. I accept it without any bitterness or anger or expectations of change. I simply accept it as how it is due to the choices that have been made to arrive at this impasse.

And if you ever ask me to choose between what I want and the right thing to do, I will always choose the right thing to do. Every damn time. You don't have to like it, I don't have to like it -- but at the end of the day I have to be able to clear eyed look myself in the eyes in the mirror with a clean conscience. I am not in this incarnation capable of knowingly doing something I consider unethical or unfair. I can do things others find immoral or unethical and I can say "fuck your attempts to socially manipulate me tell me what to do" but I can never sit long in even considering acting in ways that I personally consider crossing ethical lines. (Chaotic good, always.) Nobody can make me feel shame no matter what they try to do to me to force conformity to their standards but I can make me feel a guilt so intense that I can do nothing until I atone and make right what I think I have done wrong. I do not have externally mediated morality but I do have internally mediated ethics. And my ethics are constrained by truth, justice, empathy, beauty, and the sanctity of free will. Always.

As long as these boundaries that were created in Oct 2018 exist, don't expect of me to ever cross them or to explore possibilities outside the lens that respects them as choices made in free will for him, in his name, and by him. Not in this lifetime. It doesn't matter how much I hate the boundaries and the lens they form for me to view his words and actions, they're not my boundaries and to act in selfish ways that ignore them is to do wrong by the free will of others.

Do I think that any of this matters to him? Honestly no. I could be wrong, I could be misreading and misunderstanding... And the eternal optimist in me hopes that I am. But the realist in me recognizes that from the information at my disposal, no I don't think any of this matters to him.

Do I think that any of this matters to anyone involved in creating or maintaining the boundaries that created this situation? Again no.

Does it still matter to me? Yes. Very much still.

But I'm working on trying to let go of it mattering to me when it so clearly doesn't matter to anyone who has any ability to alter the boundaries and thus change or heal this situation. So I'm working on accepting his choices and teaching me not to care, not letting it matter to me how far this path is from anything I ever wanted or saw before his sister's choices on October28, 2018 created boundaries that separated him from me and destroyed all those potential fate lines of reunion that had previously existed between him and me.

 I know I have brought this up before, that since October 2018 I have worked to make me let go of any expectation of having Eric in my life this lifetime following the decisions his sister made on her own account and in the entire band's name because I didn't see how I could have any place in his life following that and that since August 2019 I have treated his choices to support the choices made in the band's name as indicative that me not being in his life is what he desires for himself this life. Rightly or wrongly, these are the premises that I have been building on since August 2019 both within myself forcing me to let him go so he can be free to pursue whatever it is he DOES actually desire in his life and as the lens through which I have interpreted all news and creations and words that have managed to reach me from him.  At every step of the way since August 2019, I have viewed and heard the assumption that there is no place for me in his life path this life and that I am no part of what he desires for himself this life as the undercurrent and basic premise from which to understand him.  I do not claim that this was any intention of his nor that it is his truth, I tell you only that it is what I have heard and the lens through which I have interpreted everything he has said and done since August 2019 -- and the lens through which I shall continue to interpret everything he says and does unless he directly contradicts it to tell me I have been mistaken. And as I don't expect that to happen, it is the lens through which everything he says and does is filtered by me. Anything related to the band or that his sister or Liz is involved in is dead to me, dead on arrival, as their boundaries they created and have maintained dictate that they not be visible to me, that I be excluded from anything involving them, that I have no part in them or anything they do, and that they do not desire to exist to me. And everything else in his life that reaches me (primarily via his emails) well, I just assume that they are informative of the life path he is on and that he is seeking to build his life around but that all of it is separate from me because I can have no place in his life or this any role in his desires in this lifetime. It is through that lens that I have understood all his emails thus far -- and it is through that lens that I do not even consider any of his NYC shows as being open to me. It is not a space to which I am invited or wanted and I know that my presence is unwelcome there. If I were to defy that knowledge that the invitation does not extend to me or include me, I know that it is something I shouldn't even consider because all they would do is lead me to further heartbreak and set me back on my course of trying to let him go by accepting that in this lifetime I have no place in his life because that's what he wants. It's hard and it's bitter and I don't like anything at all about it, but I think it the ethically correct thing to do in this situation given all the concrete evidence I have at my disposal tells me that he doesn't care about me and doesn't desire to have me numbered amongst the band's fans or supporters or treated fairly because when it was brought to his attention what had been done in the band's name, he ignored it and continued on with no changes to his actions of going live on the band's instagram accounts and not even any acknowledgement of what I had told him directly about why his actions were unfair and perpetuating a wrong committed in the band's name. Instead, he treated it as if he considered the band's past actions in the right and me not even worth considering or acknowledging. Which is why I took it as my only concrete evidence of his choices and desires and have moved forward based upon that. And it is the lens through which I comprehend everything he says and does, the lens of my own insignificance to him and his wish to not have me in any fashion a part of his life or numbered among their fans or supporters. (And that applies to everything created as a part of the band's collective or involving his sister or Liz. Including the musical that he is pouring everything into at this time -- as far as I am concerned, that musical is already dead on arrival before hearing any songs or knowing anything further about it and I would never listen to it or go see it because of Britt's inclusion in the writing of it and her desire to not exist to me and my respect of the boundaries she created. As far as I am concerned, the musical is dead and is less than dust and will never be more than that to me under the current parameters and boundaries of other people's choices. I hope for his sake it is a success to the rest of the world and brings to him all that he desires for it to bring into his life -- but as far as I am concerned it will get nowhere with me and is already dead to me before it is even finished.)

I do not say this from any place of malice -- I wish for only the best for him and everything he is involved with even while accepting that I have no place in it and that it's not meant for me. I do not say it from a spirit of blame -- nobody is at fault that things unfolded this way, we're here now and blame doesn't change where we are or that things can't/won't improve in the future without changing/fixing the missteps of the past/present. I do not say it from a place of rejection within me -- if there was a way to reunion with him I would take it but such a path is not currently open to me through any actions or choices of my own so I accept that he must find his own way and that I will create my own life path and seek my own life partners instead of him while that is the truth of his life. Give me even the shadow of a chance and I'll fucking choose him. Every fucking time. but that's not how things are at this time in this lifetime. It's not what his actions show he wants. 

I tell myself that this is harder on me than him, because after all he is a man who has never lacked for other options nor shied away from pursuing other women. And somehow that makes it easier for me to accept that there's no place for me in his life, that that's the way he wants it this life, when I assume he'll find someone else who suits his desires for himself this lifetime. It may be a lie I tell myself....but it's a lie that helps me keep moving forward down this path that is the only one I've precogged regarding him since Oct 28, 2018.

I say it as the reminder that this forced acceptance that there is no place for me in his life and I am neither wanted nor included in his life even as a fan or supporter is the lens through which I perceive and comprehend everything from him now. Same as I have since August 2019. And that whatever he says and however he intends it to be understood, I have been interpreting all of it through the lens of the boundaries his sister created in the entire band's name in October 2018 and that he himself supported in August 2019. That hasn't changed and that's not going to change from my side because the boundaries were never created by me nor supported by me, I just respect them as not being mine but indicative of what the other person(s) desire from me. I don't know what the relationship he's looking for is or how he's going to bring it into his life -- but at this time I do not see me as having any part of it since there's no place for me in his life or anything he is working at creating with the band or his sister involved due to the boundaries created in October 2018. It is through this lens that I understand anything and everything said directly or any potential implicit between the lines. It's the only way I can comprehend it while these boundaries exist and create/maintain this barrier that keeps me from believing I could belong in any capacity within his life.

It's been on my mind last night and this morning that I should reiterate that and give the reminder that this is the lens through which I understand everything from him at this time, same as I have since August 2019. Anything that falls through the cracks and the blind spots of this lens are messages that simply don't reach me at all. Not while this lens defines my understanding of everything related to him, his desires, and his chosen life path. I may be wrong and I may be missing a helluva lot of what he's been trying to say, but this is the lens that defines how I can understand anything form him at this time. And as long as the lens exists and is defined by the boundaries imposed upon it, this is the frame within which you should expect me to have all my comprehension of his words.  Because it's the last concrete thing he ever gave to me, personally, was his affirmation and support of the boundaries and everything they stand for. So it defines the lens through which I understand everything he says and does. Ever since August 2019. And ain't nothing going to alter that or shatter that lens except a direct action or words from him making it clear that it is untrue. Do not expect me to look for meanings in anything he says that lie outside the framework his past (in)actions created, because those are the boundaries I was given of my understanding of what defines his choices, his words, and his actions, and what he is seeking for his own life path in this lifetime.

I don't ask you to like it, hell I don't like it myself. I just wish to be honest and clear about the reality of where we are now and how things are with me and level set the expectations of the boundaries within which I interpret all his words and deeds at this time. I'm not saying it can't be changed, though I am saying it would take an act of deliberate choice and will to change it; I'm just saying it's how it's been from my perspective these last several years and it's how it remains at this juncture. It's the lens that defines for me my understanding of everything that he says or does that still reaches me. 

Now. the sun is up so the dog and I are heading home to spend some more time with my lonely needy kittenface Spock. I'll be back at work by lunch time though --Mikaela will be in after her morning doctor's appointment and the 16 year old in my life dmed me while I was in Kirkland that she missed me terribly and so I promised her some Dani time once I got back.  She'll also be free on Monday since she's off school and will be either dropped off at my apartment or I'll come hang out with her at mcw. (My grandma's podiatry appointment is Tues afternoon. So that's no conflict at all.) *shrugs* She told me directly that she missed me and wanted to see me so I promised to make it a priority at the first opportunity available to me -- it's really that simple and straightforward to get me to give you my time and affection and to have me create opportunities to be with you. You just need to tell me directly that's what you want. Somehow, children are always way better at understanding that than adults. or maybe they just lack the social conditioning that tells them to hide their enthusiasm and their vocalization of what they miss and desire to have once more in their lives. Either way, tomorrow Mikaela gets at least half the day with me clawed from the clutches of the needy cat's snuggles.

 Currently sitting at the gate in Minneapolis airport, impatiently waiting to board my flight home to Madison... It literally beging boarding in 3mins now.. Here's some airplane and airport selfies: 

Why am I impatient? My hands burns itchy abominably....

So I have extraordinarily sensitive skin and get allergic contact dermatitis from petroleum derived products (including synthetic fibers), palm oil, coconut oil, and synthetic perfumes (many of which also give me instant headaches sometimes trigger full migraines.) This makes soaps tricky for me because unless they're Castille soap or glycerin soap, there's an extraordinarily high probability of the backs of my hands breaking out into severe rashes sometimes hives and they itch horribly -+ and you can quite literally see the color demarcation at my wrists for where the soaps didn't touch. So at my sister's house, all their soaps cause my hand irritation, the one in the master bedroom is the worst (gives me instant headache as well), followed by the main bathroom, and the best is the one in the downstairs bathroom. So most of the time visiting I tried to only use the downstairs bathroom because washing my hands was problematic for me. Only today, I couldn't because they had to run an extension cord for the washer/dryer so the door couldn't be shut. (Monroe was our of clean clothes so they had to do laundry but the electrician didn't get the part and have room in schedule until this Saturday to replace the ungrounded fuse that could cause a fire. So for now that fuse is just turned off for now. Thus the extension cord.) So I had to use the upstairs bathrooms all day. And my hands are absolutely in a state right now.... 

Airport soaps definitely making it worse.  And the only lotion I have with me is a sample size of one that can irritate my hands but doesn't always but right now..... I used up all the lotion that I had packed that helps before my flight. And I have found nowhere selling anything I can use that would help rather than make it worse.... And insult to injury, I walked right past an Aveda store (their hand cream is one I can use) but it doesn't open until 9am and my flight departure time is 9:05.... I would give just about anything right now for some olive oil..... (Extra virgin olive oil and beeswax work best for my skin as a moisture. Butter also works surprisingly well, but then my hands smell of butter....) 

I cannot wait to get home and to slather my itching burning hands in olive oil and then immediately go collapse into bed with my dog and my cat.... (Past the 24hrs mark of being awake.) But mostly, I just want to help my poor hands.... They're so miserable and it's the early stage of contact dermatitis where they continuously get worse before they get better....

 On the scale from 1 to Welcome to Life in Daniland.... 

Also though.... Unless you're getting a cold brew, who only puts 2 shots of espresso in a venti?!?! 

(I was dropped off after the kids were told by Alexa it was bedtime so they got in their pyjamas and brushed their teeth for a pyjama party car ride to the airport. Which means I got dropped off 4 hours before my plane even begins boarding, 4h45m before my departure. My flight to Minneapolis isn't even on the screen yet, it's currently a flight to New York at my gate, lol. Luckily I have nearly a dozen books on my person between my purse and my laptop bag - the rest are all stuffed in my 48lb suitcase that I checked. It's only 27lbs with no books at all in it. Whoops! Sorry but not sorry. Not sorry at all, lol.)

Okay. I'm going to find a quieter spot in terminal a to puts around on my phone for a bit wrapping up text convos with my sister and my bff then go back to re-reading some more Fellowship of the Ring until boarding time at midnight.  Don't worry though - I've got Two Towers AND Return of the King with me if I finish it. I reread The Hobbit on my flight out here and I'm rereading all 4 of them all for the "I don't know many-th but I read them the first time in the third grade." As well as many other reading options, lol. I'll start in on rereading the Silmarillion for my third time after I'm home again. And then all my volumes of unfinished tales from Tolkien - I should double check if I'm missing any and order them in so I can read through alll of them finally.