O, I told the story of when/how that song was stuck in my head because I don't get to forget anything this life and my subconscious wanted me to be reminded of those words of his that he wrote long before our paths crossed In the waking world this life - but I never did say how I emotionally reacted to that not so subtle reminder from my subconscious, did I? *shrugs* You'll just have to live with that unknown because I don't particularly feel like explaining it right now. And the thing about this arrangement is that you only get to read what I choose to share or over-share. You want more/different access to my thoughts and emotions, you'll have to try a different method of communication. If you're the overthinking type , I'm sure you've already imagined all sorts of potential emotions I may have gone through - and some of them may even be right! And if you hadn't even considered it, don't worry about it - you can go back to not thinking about it, lol. And if you're a bit of a philosopher or student of human cognition, you probably realize it was a bunch of intermixed emotions and can guess from what you know about me what some or even most of those threads are. 

My dog has had a very VERY upset stomach with excess bile production since late last week. Both directions. And unfortunately it coincided with my grandma moving, lots of appointments for her before her move, and me having several concerts. So it's been a concern on me, though not a "I'm worried my 13.5 year old dog might die and I'm an emotional wreck because I can't make this better no matter what I do" level of concern. Just hating to see her vomiting bile and having diarrhea and refusing to eat due to that but knowing her not eating increases bile production and self perpetuates the cycle. And keeping an eye for signs of lethargy, dehydration, malnutrition and/or discomfort from her when I massage check her abdomen. She's been high energy active, not lethargic at all - just not eating and difficulty with bile out both ends. 

There's a canine stomach bug going around the area (a couple other clients called in for anti vomiting meds while I was there today for Audrey's previously scheduled heartworm/Lyme disease test and vaccines. She gets them at a different time from all her other vaccines because when we ran out of her heartworm chews was in October/November and that's when she got switched over to the vaccine for it. They don't charge for a vet exam with it for this one, just charged for running the test and the vaccine itself.) This bout started getting bad a day or so after she had a lot of salt from scraps of Nitty Gritty burgers at work for lunch and over the last year she's gotten incredibly sensitive to salt BUT her stomach has been intermittently runny loose stool since she got new bags of food both at home and at work around the same time in October. Different formulas but both Fromm and my parents dog, who eats the same kibble Audrey has at work or at their house, has not been showing any of the same signs of gi distress.  I checked for recalls and in October they did voluntarily recall a bunch of their soft foods for excess vitamin D based on internal testing, but not any of the dry kibble. Still her symptoms of vomiting, diarrhea, and lack of appetite are signs of excess vitamin D ina dog's diet as well as symptoms of excess salt, stomach bug and other worse issues like liver failure or pancreatic cancer. . She's at a point she would rather starve herself than eat either kibble type....and unfortunately, when a dog doesn't eat for too long,they produce excess bile which then makes them nauseous throw up yellow bile and then they won't eat. And that could honestly be all it is. I don't want to waste the kibble if it's all in her stomach/head after getting sick too many times but I also don't want to feed the kibble to any other animals or even put it out for raccoons if there's something mis-formulated with it, y'know? 

She fasted mores than 24hrs though across Saturday and Sunday, which is where you start with diagnosing and treating gastroenteritis in dogs, so reintroducing bland foods and some soft food to her was allowed if she would eat. And while clearly nauseous at times, she wasn't lethargic and she didn't show signs of distress/pain when I pushed on and massages her gi areas. Sunday night she got to the point I was worried enough to consider calling her vet because of fluid loss/malnutrition/serious issues. But then yesterday she did eat about 1/3 cup soft dog food after our walk and for dinner a small plate of maybe 1/2 cup of boiled rice and boiled chickpeas that I gave her when I had my home-made panang curry for dinner and around 10 I gave her about 1/2 cup mix of soft food, rice, and chickpeas. (Sticking to small portions so easier for her to digest.) And she didn't throw up any of it and she ate something so risk of malnutrition was diminished. I didn't feed her breakfast before her 10:30am vet visit in case they felt concerned enough seeing her and me telling them to want to run any sort of test panel that would require a 12hr fast. 

She is down to 26.6lbs from being 30.1lbs back in June for her annual vet visit. which can happen as dogs age that they lose weight and 3.5lbs in a human is a minor fluctuation - but for her it's 10% of her weight, y'know? Her heaviest was 34.4lbs and our goal for her weight is to have it be between 25-30lbs which she still is. It's just a matter of keeping an eye on it as weight loss can be a sign in elderly animals of more significant things. They didn't seem worried yet about her weight or her energy levels or her eye/nose and they did tell me there's been a dog stomach bug. They gave her dried liver treats throughout (part of why she loves the vet) after I said if she wanted them to go for it. I did buy a small (8.5lb) bag of veterinarian exclusive Hills i/d digestive care kibble. They had some others like a gastrointestinal specific one and one for kidney care - but I went with the basic digestive care kibble figuring I'd start there as a convenient place for getting some kibble for her and if the vet felt something else would be better we could go from there. (I do not cook home meals for my animals as it's really easy to cause malnutrition deficiencies in animals if your at home food isn't balanced for species appropriate diet. I do share with them some of my food as treats, but not as their entire meal. I also make sure I give them hard kibble not just soft food as it keeps their teeth cleaner.) Audrey got super excited about it hopping up and down on her hind legs when I held it to her asked her if it smelled good to her. She spent the entire way home licking her chops over it and I gave her 2/3 cup of it first thing when we got back.

There's also a possibility that what has had her tummy upset were the treats that I have at home (feline greenies -- the vet said that while cat foods/treats do have more antibiotics for UTI issues cats are prone to, the occasional treat won't harm the dog.) The only reason I mention it is that on Sunday, after Spock had some greenies, he went and ate a bunch of kibble then threw up. Which, cats will do if they eat too much....but also it's easy enough not to allow either of them to have greenies as a starting place. 

Best place to start is a fast holding down liquids then slowly add back in foods. One time, I got so sick for so long that I couldn't even keep down tea for 4 days and then I could eat nothing but rice cooked with rosemary (and only 1/4-1/3 cup at a time) for another 8 days after I could start drinking herbal tea without getting sick. So believe me, I get it. And also, as someone with a glass stomach who throws up easily, I do understand not wanting or being able to eat something after you throw it up. I got quite violently I'll after eating a bbq chicken sub from Subway when I was 8 and it took me 17 years to be able to like anything in bbq sauce again. The very smell of it made me nauseous for a long time. Which was a great tragedy because I really love BBQ brisket and BBQ chicken and if I ever have McDonald's I like BBQ sauce for fries and chicken nuggets and I actually even love adding BBQ sauce into my Mac and cheese. So the fact that Audrey reacted so positively and excitedly about a new kibble then ate it like she was starving makes me think that is a part of it at this point. 

I'm in a much better emotional place now that my dog has gone over 30 hours without throwing up and is eating and holding down food again. And once she's back eating regularly, hopefully her issues on the other end will get sorted. 

Now reheating leftover panang curry for lunch and then finishing up the last 75pgs of Fredrik Blackman's novel A Man Called Ove which I started last night since Enda set Thursday as zoom discussion day for the We Banjo 3 Patreon book club meeting. Then back to the next book of Aristotle. I will be heading into work later, just easier to keep an eye on my dog for any hi distress here or when there's or so many people at work. Also trying not to be there at times people might give her salty scraps without me knowing. 

 While I was taking Audrey Pupburn on our morning walk in the combination rain/snow (we had about an inch of snow late last night, so if you haven't already guessed that after symphony ended and I dropped off Crissy and picked up my dog I spent half an hour driving around with my pup listening to Christmas music grinning at the beauty of the falling snow and THEN my dog and I went for an hour long midnight snow frolic walk, then you really don't know me well at all, lol. Good thing too as all that lovely sparkle fluff accumulation was melted by morning.) 

Anyway, something in the way the wet heavy snow-rain was falling on the dead leaves and green grass made my brain start a waltz rhythm and I was humming it waltzing down-up-up, down-up-up along the sidewalk when suddenly my brain started playing in my head Enjoy My Song that the waltz melody was from. It's a song of Eric's that I had found on YouTube many years ago from a live performance and which my conscious mind had forgotten I ever knew existed. It's my subconscious mind that can't forget anything I experience has that damn eidetic memory accessible whenever my conscious mind is reminded of something or intentionally is looking in the archives - but it's not like everything is always right up in the front windows of my conscious mind's thought processes at all times. Sometimes my conscious mind isn't reminded and doesn't choose to dwell upon things for a long time, but the information is still retained in my subconscious mind. Especially if it's a song (My brain never forgets a melody or lyrics once it hears them. It's the best hack into my long term memory that I know. I'll have memorized a chorus by the third repetition of it and the entire song will be indelibly in my brain by the third time I hear it. Whether I like the song or not, it's forever mine for all the rest of this life if I hear it three times.. If you ever want me to remember anything, set it to music. I may misunderstand what you were trying to communicate or I may disbelieve your words come from a place of sincerity - but I'll never forget a damn word of it if you put the words to a melody for me to hear.)  Just apropos of nothing, my brain started in, "I had a dream, that I was free, Hanging on a cloud. Floating on an open sea, As the sun went down. Not a thing could take my smile, or change my point of view.  Yeah, I was in heaven for a while, cause I remembered you. Cause I didn't know your eyes were green, or that you loved the rain. I had no idea, I once lived near, the town from which you came. I suffered in my ignorance, with thoughts of you, my dear. All I knew was I loved you, and that you were never here."

So I skipped along singing that, smiling up at the snow-rain, for the rest of the walk. And hear I am, almost ready to flip my eggs for brunch, and I'm still moving to the waltz rhythm of it and humming it whenever I'm not singing it.

Some Sundays be like that. Rainy/snowy walks with the dog then coffee and eggs and Aristotle until the afternoon Packers game -- all with a song you'd forgotten about singing very specific words in your head to remind you while your movements are guided by the melody all morning. 

Ack! Whites are cooked, time to flip the eggs before I overcook. More another time. Ciao!

Today is my grandma's birthday and her move in day at Cardinal View. We hired movers for it and my parents and Aunt Linda had everything super well organized going through and packing (mostly my parents, my aunt means well but her way of doing things and her priorities are not as logical as other people.) Movers handling the big things, my parents overseeing move in (my mother and grandmother measured and mapped out everything and my father is overseeing in and out and fielding phone calls from his siblings and family members calling grandma to wish her happy birthday before her phone was handed off to me) and my Aunt Linda and Uncle Steve overseeing move out and last minute move prep like disassembling  her bed. My job was to take my grandma out for birthday breakfast at La Brioche and help keep her distracted out of the way kvetching and micromanaging the unimportant things.  

Luckily, the Badgers v Northwestern game started at 11am. So I took my grandma to her new building and got her setup in the lounge/bar area on her floor. Turned up the heat/brightness on the gas fireplace and discovered I can change the colors of it via the remote - grandma chose blue flames (gave one of the staff a short training on it when she asked how I did it) and got the game on the TV for her. And then other residents came to join us and grandma got to meet them and I've been watching football with the elderly ever since. Surprisingly, only 1 man and 4 ladies plus me (and the chef stopping by to check in on the game and lunch for them and getting everyone drinks) for the game. I did get to meet the health and fitness staff, she's from Seattle originally and is in charge of pizza lunch tomorrow for the Packers-Seahawks game. I like her, she and I had a really good chat about Seattle area and both being out their as the pandemic started/unfolded and science/medical work (her husband's work is in cancer work, but he voluntarily switched to researching/developing the Moderna vaccine as part of Operation Warp Speed, just got a job at UW oncology in June.) And in the course of our talk I learned that Saturday mornings she has a Tai Chi class (and that it's seated) which is perfect for my grandma who misses Tai Chi which she used to live before her knee surgery! I'm going to put it in her calendar for next week - just as soon as her calendar gets moved here, lol. 

Also, old people opinions are so funny when they get curmudgeonly.  Entertains me -- but in the sparkly eyed wry, don't laugh out loud because it will offend them, sort of way. Also, I have infinite patience with small children and elderly forgetfulness and being helpful to them because they can't help what they don't know and/or can't remember and/or can't do on their own, so I don't mind at all about spending my day with the old folks. One of the ladies we met today watching the game told me I should be the official greeter there for all things, lol.

 I do feel bad watching my parents and Aunt and uncle and cousin moving everything- but every time I offer help moving things they tell me I'm in the best possible place for me keeping grandma happy and distracted.  Which, makes me feel guilty but if I tried to force my assistance my grandma would follow me and make things difficult. 

But also. When I checked in quickly at half time, all the heavy things were moved in place. And I've gotten to say hi to everyone passing through, including a cousin I haven't seen since May or June. 

3pm addendum: 

Grandma really wanted to see her apartment and it was between carloads of moving things so just my mom was in there to settle her in and do a hand off of grandma directing placement of smaller things and organizational so I could go check on the dogs and take them outside and feed them. (Audrey has been with Sophie at my parents' house since 7:30am. So it was time for them to be let out and checked on by a human - me going meant that the people actively involved in the moving/organizing don't need to.)

Deep in her eyes, I think I see the future. I realize this is my last chance. She took my arm, I don't know how it happened. We took the floor and she said, "Oh don't you dare look back, Just keep your eyes on me." I said, "you're holding back." She said, "shut up and dance with me." This woman is my destiny. She said, "oh oh oh. Shut up and dance!"

 Post shower addendum: 

As I was drying off post shower, I suddenly got Shut Up and Dance stuck in my head. Very random, very inexplicable - but a happy random unexpected. so I've been singing that all morning as I got partially dressed to dance around the kitchen singing while making coffee and eggs. (Cooked up one clove of garlic in olive oil to get the pan hot and to have garlic chips to munch, then used that garlicky olive oil to make over easy eggs - splash of balsamic vinegar on them after flipping them. Pour the hot oil and residual balsamic over the eggs once plated. Trust me on the runny yolk + garlicky olive oil + balsamic vinegar gravy. It's so good!!!!! One of my favorite go to breakfasts - with or without toast and toast fixings. Or at least trust me enough to try preparing an egg or to that way, lol.)

And while the coffee was steeping and the garlic crisping, I went to put a trivet on the table (I have an old antique table I was gifted, hot plates directly on it fog up the varnish which makes me think it should get refinished one of these days to better protect the wood. The fogging eventually vanishes, but I don't think it's good for the wood so I just have a "trivets under hot dishes and coasters under hot drinks" rule at home. Place mats might work just as well, but I love my Chinese calligraphy trivets! I generally choose between Happiness and Love. It's rare for me to choose Tranquility. This morning I picked Love.) And as I was walking over, it started snowing again but for real levels of flurries!!!! It gave me the snow giddies and I started hopping up and down excitedly holding the trivet and still singing Shut Up and Dance, lol. 

AND I decided that today was such a happy sparkly morning to deserve my polar bear mug for my coffee!!! 

Do you see why that's probably my favorite mug of ever? O but I adore him! He needs a name.... I'm thinking

~*~*~*~

That's all I got done before looking at the clock instead of the beautiful snow realized I had to leave to take my grandma to her appointment. I genuinely don't remember now what name I was considering for my polar bear mug.  Mist not have been the right name - if it were the right name, I would have remembered. 

I also have a green mug with a sloth hanging on it from the zoo. The first time I bought the "polar bear" mug but the wrong one was in the box. When I went back to get another and asked them to check in the box because of what happened before, the first two were mis-boxed sloth mugs and so as a thank you the manager working it told me to have the second mug (truly a polar bear mug) for free as an apology and thank you for letting them know it happened so they could properly audit the rest so nobody else "who would not be so understanding and nice about it." So I put the money I meant to spend on the mug into the donations box to the zoo. (Our zoo, Henry Vilas Zoo, is completely free to visit-- everything is covered by endowments and donations.) 

Anyway. Back from grandma's finally. I have coffee to drink and dogs to play with before my friend shows up and heading to the concert tonight. 

Also, how green were my eyes this morning though?!

They've gone very silvery grey-green now, not much blue to them. 

And yes, I'm in full on green merino sweater from Ireland and red scarf Christmas mode. Give the woman a little light snow fall in the morning.... 😂 Also, this is actually a men's small because they were on sale and I adored this color which was not available in ladies cut -- but that means it's oversized comfy and most importantly the arms are actually not too short on me like most of my shirts/sweaters/coats. I have really long arms and fingers - my wingspan is actually 5'10 while my height is just under 5'8. So I get very excited whenever long sleeves even reach my wrists let alone past them. 

 Me: gets a covid vax (booster) after 3hrs of gardening/wrestling trees you're transplanting then after the shot goes to visit the zoo for 2 hours in a cold drizzle before working 14.5 hours until going home at sunrise, sleeps for 6 hours before washing all bed linens (dog threw up bile on the comforter so had to do it) taking the dog on an hour long evening walk  after the cold rain stopped, drink wine and tea while making dinner and eating dinner and rereading book 2 of Aristotle's Politics (the one where he explains why Plato and everyone else was wrong) with a break to take Audrey on a long walk from 9 til nearly 11 (upset tummy), get woken up after 4 hours of sleep by dog needing to sleep -- feels absolutely brilliant, nothing awry, perfect health filled with energy. 

(I still think my immune system may have gone, "Ooh!! Lipid protein layer! Hey Aplab, don't you love these? Om nom nom nom!" long before the mRNA protein replication could do a damn thing, lol. ) 

Also me: The barometric pressure is already high and went up by .00001mm Hg and/or air quality went from excellent to fair so your head is now full of shrapnel spinning about in high winds. If you attempt to move, the wind will turn into cyclone strength so the shrapnel will fly every which way cutting everything touches, same if you open your eyes and even the smallest amount of light touches your retina. Colorful aura flashes of dendritic energy/light whether your eyes are open or closed will occur throughout predrome, migraine proper, and poatdrome. If you attempt to sit or stand, you will get light-headed everything will turn grey/black at the edges and I'd you keep trying you will have fainting spells and/or commence dry heaving throwing up bile from the pain which will beget a cycle of movement induced pain and pain induced dry heaving that may take you hours to break out of. Please hold perfectly still, blocking out all light, and attempt to sleep until this passes. Thank you, and enjoy your visit to migraine land. 

Rarely sick from viruses/bacteria, but damn my own body over-reacting sensitivity  and/or attacking itself will lay me low quickly!

Ah well. Time to shower now that I'm up, lol.

ALSO!!!!! WHEN I TOOK AUDREY OUT BECAUSE SHE INSISTED SHE NEEDED IT, FIRST SNOW OF THE SEASON WAS FALLING!!!!!!!!!!! 😍❄️😁❄️😍❄️😁❄️😍 It was highly localized, just over my building not even wet sidewalks across the street or any active precipitation in the lights of the neighbors lot -- but right over me it twas snowing!!!!!!!!!! Big enough flakes to catch on tongue and eyelashes and hands!!! Like little white wet falling stras when you look up into it!!! It stopped right after we went inside, but looking to the west were all snow skies!!!!! 

I get the giddiest of snow giddies!!!! It's so beautiful and everything just feels right in my world as long as the snow is falling! Doesn't matter how early or how late or how deep the year's snow total, new falling snow makes me super full of joy and hope!  

Also, now that I've had even the smallest flurry of snow, I feel ready for the fact half my local radio stations are already changed to 24hr Christmas music (one of them started the day before Halloween and that was a hard no. I can and do quite happily listen to Christmas music year round EXCEPT during spooky season. From autumnal equinox until the end of Dia de Los Muertos, I am vehemently anti-Christmas music, lol. The exceptions are: George Winston, Vince Guqralsi, Christmas in Sarajevo, basically anything purely instrumental, and The Grinch. Because it's The Grinch and if you can't love that any/every time you hear it, then you're just the grinchiest of grinches! But other than those specific exceptions of instrumental songs and The Grinch, no Christmas songs during spooky season! O, there's also an exemption for musicians/vocalists working on learning or recording holiday songs for holiday albums/performances; I get that that needs to happen BEFORE actual holidays season and practice is incredibly important - so musicians get a "no Christmas songs during spooky season unless it's George Winston or The Grinch" special exemption IF practicing/recording for holiday album/shows. But nobody else.) It means I can unpack and check/set up lights and my tree and other holiday decor and put out kitschy Channukah things (which is stupid early this year, first night is Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend, the 28th. Which would make getting things back to eight enough for me to give Delta Rae yet another chance go to their show on the 29th a bonafide Channukah miracle by the calendar, lol.) But it never feels like holiday season to start for me til first snow -- and not actually the holidays until the first snow that stays. (This is another reason you could never make me anything but miserable by trying to transplant me down south or to California - I need 4-5 months of snow to keep my soul sparkles shining all bright and beaming warmth. It's also why as much as I love visiting Ireland and the UK and the Mediterranean, I could never be happy living in any of those places this life. My soul needs the snow.)

SNOW FLURRIES, SNOW FLURRIES, PRETTY LITTLE SNOW FLURRIES!!!!!!! 💖❄️💖❄️💖 (There is a 100% chance I am dancing around my flat grinning and singing that snow flurry ditty to the tune of Soft Kitty from Big Bang Theory. At 5am 😂 And I am absolutely unashamed to admit that, lol)

Okay now. Shower for realzies! Then brekkie and coffee. Grandma has a 10:20am rescheduled appointment today. And then tonight is a Shovels and Ropes concert!!! 

 P.S. My hands ache like a mofo from that pushing that damn bulb planter into the soil so many fucking times planting 745 Spring bulbs.... Sore right in that place where the meat/ball joint of the thumb attaches to the palm of the hand.Where the life line meets the fate line.  And I would really really love a hand massage from someone. I mean, I've been massaging my own hands all of yesterday and today whenever I'm not actively doing anything with them, but it always feels better when somebody else massages them for me.... 

Hand massages are actually my absolute favorite non-sexual massage. Which is super random and I'm definitely in the minority on that. But They feel so fucking good... if you ever want to completely relax me, literally all you have to do is start massaging my hands (and/or forearms, but especially my hands.) I don't carry much tension anywhere EXCEPT I carry ALL my tension in my hands. No tension ever carried in my shoulders or neck or back where most people carry tension. If I get situationally tense or emotionally stressed or mentally overwhelmed, you can tell by my hands. I'll clench them into tight fists or hold them awkwardly rigid or start stretching out my fingers/wrist to help work out excess tension in my hands. I also radiate out spiritual energy through my palms, so any spiritual/energetic fluxes will cause tension in my hands.  All my stress and tension is expressed and carried in the palms of my hands. Always. 

Anyway, massage my hands. I recommend it. HIGHLY recommend! And not just because I really fucking love hand massages.... But especially if you need to reset me, release tension, or convince me of something you think I might be stubborn about.

Better yet, come massage my aching sore palms right now tonight after me planting all those fucking bulbs. Or the next time I take it into my head to plant 500+ Spring bulbs in a 1.5 week race between the too hot late lasting summer/fall making things come up be killed by bitter winter and the onset of true winter causing the ground to freeze before the roots can establish themselves....Or really any time my hands ache. (It's an excessive nuber of bulbs, I know. But. Also. You have no idea how ecstatic delighted full of giddies I will be if I get even a small fraction of my seas of crocuses and tulips and daffodils in the Spring! I planted most of the 50 mixed daffodil bulbs all around the base of my baby apple tree I planted this Spring/Summer and I'm so excited for the sight of all the different colored daffs under the apple blossoms!!!!) 

Also though. Remember about me that I carry all my tension and stress in my hands and give me a hand massage any damn time you want or I seem like I need it -- it will go a long way to easing any tension (physical or emotional) in me and relaxing me. Promise.

P.P.S. Also worth considering: You could massage my hands WHILE having a solid logical talk with me about using my garden to paint with flowers across the canvas of the years of my life -- and that I don't have to plant all the damn bulbs in one season, I can plant them in layers upon layers across years and save my hands from nearly 750 bulbs worth of hand planted palm aches. Just a thought. I might not listen to you in entirety. Might still want to plant them by the hundresfold every fall.... but maybe not by the nearly thousandsfold in a short span of time.

So after one of the classic Blues songs she's currently covering in her set,Rhiannon Giddens said something that struck a nerve with me. (I can hardly explain all the wonderful things about who she is and how she represents in this world -- look into her if you've never heard her music or anything she says/does; also make sure you check out Carolina Chocolate Drops, which is how I discovered her, and look into Hubby Jenkins who was in Carolina Chocolate Drops with her because they're both blow your mind solid humans who aren't afraid to push you and make you question yourself and the world and be a better version of yourself than you were before and that's one of my favorite things in anyone) was talking about the pain of letting go of what we imagined or hoped that never became real and one of the things she said was, "My mama always said, 'Letting go of what we imagined could be is always the hardest.'And she's right. Mama's usually are. I've had worse heartache over losing what I imagined could be real than any tangible loss." And that pricked at my heart really hard. (which when you have an eidetic memory is a bit of a bitch, the things that prick into your heart, because you can never forget a damn thing that you experience. Only worked to heal the memories so they won't hurt.)

And, last night when I heard it I thought it at the show pricked my heart because what hurts most about losing the imagined is the lies you've told yourself.  But then last night as I went to sleep (pretty soon after I got back from the show actually, because I wanted to be well rested and sleep and then finish up gardening and transplanting indoor plants) it was one of those nights that all I feel is surrounded and held in the warmth and intensity of love from him down the bond and the closer to sleep I get and the more I snuggle into the bond, the stronger that feeling becomes. It's my favorite way to fall asleep, at any age in any life, but sometimes I think it's honestly why I can't sleep some nights -- because sometimes I don't feel it then I get scared over its absence maybe it might not be there again ever because maybe he doesn't want me anymore and then sometimes because it IS there but I feel like maybe it's wrong of me to feed into it if it's never going to manifest for us in this life so maybe I shouldn't encourage it. And both those thoughts/feelings/doubts/second-guessing hurt in completely different ways -- and trying to fall asleep while either of those feelings get more intense is hard and it just hurts and it's easier/better not to sleep. So it's better to keep busy/distracted not to sleep until I'm too exhausted to feel anything so my body just succumbs barreling past either of those two over-thinking emotions/fears. (Which is probably not healthy at all, but it hurts less...and some nights that's the best choice among your options currently available to you.) Anyway, last night was NOT either of those nights -- last night  it was strong and steady and I just wanted to accept it curl into it and let the love flow freely both ways down the bond. And I slept very well that way and woke up well rested. 

But also, he was still right there in shared dream space and insisted that he was certain what he wants and how important the bond is to him and that there's a way through if I'll just hold faith in him try to keep bending the arc of our paths back toward each other. And that made me realize that what pricked my heart so it hurt wasn't that the unrealized dreams are lies we tell ourselves -- it's the grief over all of the potential tangible truths that never happened. It's grief over what never came into reality not being upset over lies that were at least considered and discarded. And my heart was pricked by the thought that we could lose each other not just in this life but forever and reunion might never come real and how much grief I felt over all the potential tomorrows that wouldn't be. And when I realized that upon waking up refreshed I realized that...that I don't want to miss out on or lose a single fucking one of those tomorrows that I could have. I'm willing to give up the tomorrows that I can't have, that I just can't find my way to making ours -- but damnit I don't want to give up a single fucking one of the tomorrows we COULD have. I refuse to fucking grieve over things that WOULD exist if we'd only damn well try and choose them. There's too many things to ACTUALLY break your heart over without having to grieve over losing things you could have had if you just hadn't given up on them.

I don't see or know how to get from here to fixing things trying to make things right give us a chance, but I know that no matter how I try to find joy in other things there's a part of me that will never cease grieving over the could have beens that giving up on the dream. And if I tell all the doubts and fears and mistakes and past fuckups to just shut the hell up for a moment then I hear ringing through my silences the truth that it would be the same for him. And we can put each other through all the hells imagined in all the religions that ever existed -- but it won't get us one damn step closer toward any real lasting happiness than choosing to try to make real all those truths instead of killing them and grieving over them. And the we will not do. Or at least, he can if he wants but damnit I want no part of it and I'll be right here waiting for the damn chance to get back to the could bes we CAN have. 

So there's that. I don't know how to fix things and I don't know how to even give him the chances of getting one step closer and yet another step closer.... because the part of me that gets excited over the fact there's a show gets quashed by the nihilism of it not mattering because even if I went, I'd get so upset over the unresolved issues of the past affecting the present that would outweigh any amount of joy in the show. I just don't see any way for me to go without first resolving the past issues inflecting the present and I don't see any way to give him any chance(s) whatsoever to make things right without me being able to find joy in his music/shows making the peace between his chosen life path and his sister's choices/boundaries/actions.

But. I did notice. The ad for the show at the Majestic showed up in my phone fb feed and I noticed that the text of the ad was slightly different than the one Sarah had tagged me in and when I clicked on the sponsored content post, the date was AFTER the conversation and there was no post on it from Sarah and thus my comments (which were all replies to her comment) were not there. So nobody could get defensive for them without them existing. And the comment before Sarah's was also non-existent. So it was just a completely new ad posted the day following that exchange. Which actually made me laugh as a way to resolve my expectations surrounding those possibilities. It doesn't solve anything, but it neutralizes making it worse and I don't feel bad about my words negatively affecting either the band or the venue for the show....

Anyway. Back to watering my plants at work. I got all my gardening tasks (all 745 bulbs planted) and house plant transplanting done AND got my covid booster today (also it was good that I went both times to the public health Dane County official just in case I had a bad reaction because in the state immunization records they accidentally put my J&J vaccine in as Moderna dosage and then had to track down verify which it was and if I should get half dose Moderna as booster or full dose as if it were an 8.5 month late second dose AND after verifying that on that date, they didn't even hHAVE any Moderna doses for that entire week so it was impossible for me to have been given anything but J&J so they could fix that clerical error and we needn't worry. And I'm just as glad to have my official card and my official immunization record match now. And they found the mistake and hunted it down fixed it while I talked to the friendly volunteer about the fun of visiting the polar bears at the zoo in the winter time because she said she grew up here but has never been to the zoo in the winter.) And then I got a red flavored sucker (I have a thing for artificially red flavored candies/slushees and they had suckers out at the EMS table in the waiting area for the kiddos getting vaxxed and anyone who wanted one) and texted with my close friend in Detroit who's trying to convince me to go visit her next week once I have free time post grandma's move stress because my planned visit in January to visit Erin and her sister Debbie for the Skerryvore show in Ann Arbor. She's very insistent on trying to get me to visit her next week, lol. And then I went to the zoo which is what I did after my previous covid vax and I got to see so many happy beastie zoo friends!!! And the polar bears weren't out but I had an intense inner sad called them to come visit and just as I headed toward the flamingos and the red panda/meerkats in the children's zoo area and then Bo came running hurtling right over to the lower window I'd been having my telepathic pout at JUST as I turned for one last look and I laughed in delight came skipping back over. And he played and rolled about a bit then went running back up to the upper area trying to get me to follow. And when I got up there, I found that he got lazy/denning-ready Berit come out to join him and she was doing a happy splooot on the large rock by their pool and when I came up she gave me a head bob nod and I talked to them and got some photos of them and then Berit decided she wanted to go back inside to wait for her dinner and sauntered up to me gave me head bobs then went inside and Bo came back to me and gave me lots of head bobs before heaving a sigh and following her back in and giving me a last over the shoulder before going in the doorway.

Bo really is the cutest sweetest polar bear I've yet met. (Of actual polar bears, not souls that show up as spirit animal dream space polar bears. I mean actually physically incarnated as a polar bear in this life.) Also, Bo is short for Borealis and if you don't know about my obsession with the northern lights, you have a really long way to go to get to know me.... let's just say I have a favorite astrophysicist specializing in geomagnetic frequencies and I love her expression that "the geomagnetic sphere is ringing like a bell) to explain the resonance patterns for why it isn't the big hit that makes the huge kp and brilliant colors, it's the perfectly timed third blow to line up the resonance wave patterns to get glorious auroras. And also, I'M SO EXCITED WE'RE MOVING BACK INTO ANOTHER SOLAR MAXIMUS!!!!!!!!!!! We're going to have glorious aurora borealis all the way down to me in southern Wisconsin!!! 

Okay. Plants. I have thirsty green babies. (And yes I feel fine after my booster vax -- not even sleepy. I can't remember any time that I've ever had a reaction after any vaccination I've ever had. )

But also. I don't see how we get from here to there, but damnit if I'll be the one to knowingly kill off the dreams of all the could bes we COULD have if not for me being stubborn and stupid. So I dunno how we fix things, but damnit if I want me to get in the way of him finding his way to make things right. Because the honest truth is I WANT things right -- I just don't know how to get there.

 O I'm still here doing my thing. (Actually had horrible migraine the last couple days, bad enough that I nearly didn't watch the Packers game and nearly cancelled joining my maman for her birthday dinner... But you probably could have guessed that from my too many onions anemia combined with predrome pallor in the last pictures. It was the kind that makes everything fade to black give me syncope spells whenever I try to sit or stand or walk. Fun fact: due to my blood pressure so low that if it were much lower I'd need to be medicated for it combined with pressure sensitive migraines, I get times where I get light headed and if I don't sit down I can faint easily so when I was in middle school they ran a whole sleep of tests and I found out all the things not wrong with me and then they diagnosed me with a form of syncope spells that literally means "a young woman between 12 and 35 in perfect health who faints for no discernible medical reason." It all felt terribly Victorian and not a real diagnosis at all to me - I fully expect a prescription of smelling salts to deal with the "medically inexplicable must be because you're a female" fainting spells.  I've been skeptical about medical diagnoses ever since.....  At points yesterday it got so bad that just sitting up in bed induced dry heaving and throwing up bile until my voice was raw frome it yesterday....which is always fun. And by always I mean never. Ugh. I would not wish my migraines upon anyone. At least I'm not sound sensitive when migraine-y -- music is my refuge and reminder that there is something outside the endless pain and darkness (I am very light sensitive when migraine) and that time is still moving forward. Also, it's a comfort to me, in its own right.) I'm still not 100% but I'm as good as I'm going to get until the blizzard front that's mostly northwest of here moves past - and that will be too late for the outdoor things I must do. 

So I took some pain meds at midnight before drinking some tea and munching some apples (the first food I ate since Sun night) while starting a re-read of Aristotle's Politics, and again just before heading in to work  at 7:45am to get to planting crocuses. And I will again right around 2pm before taking my grandma to her appointment that they told us was yesterday but scheduled in the computer for today. (Her doctor isn't even in on Mondays. I swear, their receptionist s are the most inept....) 

Just finished transplanting two largest fig trees with my dad's assistance (they're both over 7ft tall and we're root bound through the bottom holes of the planters.) Now back out to plant more crocus bulbs til lunch. 

Also, not sure if my birds have missed me or just wanted water, but all of them came to visit. The crows right up next to me close enough to pet and the sparrows inside my first transplanted fig tree the moment I went to get the watering can. I think they saw me and know I bring them water because their water dishes came in when the outdoor table got put away. But they may just have missed me been checking in on me. One of the cardinals I know came to help me pick stick tights out ofy right side braid. (Like a puppy, I managed to get stick tights, the teeny little butts, all up one side of my hair while pulling dead leaves and planting bulbs. I think they're mostly out. But brushing my hair will likely be a right bitch if they're not....)

Anyway. I really am as fine as can be during migraine poatdrome and with having got stick tights all up in my hair this morning, see?

Now. Back to my plants and bulbs and birds until lunch then grandma's. And then afterward, I have the Rhiannon Giddens concert tonight.

 Me at 7pm: I am exhausted and haven't been sleeping enough lately, early to bed with me tonight so I can sleep as long as I need! 

Me at 1:58am/1:02am: O hey look, time's gone backwards again and I'm still awake and now I'm not tired at all. Why?! Why are you like this body?! 

I blame Spock. I had finished my tea, was all ready to go to bed and the cat jumped up for a snuggle. After his nap was over, my tiredness had vanished and I felt wide awake....

Ah well. I'm sure I'll catch up on sleep eventually.... Right? That's definitely how a completely random Circadian rhythm and insomnia works... Yeah. Um. Sure it is.... 

I didn't get enough sleep the last couple nights (no sleep two nights ago, and last night got home late and only got 5 hours of sleep) and there's been a LOT of raw power energy running through me including producing random green orb flashes all around me trying to get selfies at the show last night, lol. (I've noticed this is especially true as we move into solar maximums and the aurora picks up) so I'm rather tired. My plan is heading to bed early tonight. Some exciting Saturday night plans, lol.(Also though, this coming week I need to finish some gardening things since it (thankfully) warmed up again. But tomorrow there's the mid-afternoon game interrupting my gardening time and it's my maman's birthday so we're going out for all you can eat sushi for dinner, grandma now has a Monday afternoon appointment, I have tickets to see Rhiannon Giddens at Stoughton Opera House on Tuesday night, I get my covid booster mid-day on Wednesday and then I'm going to go visit the polar bears and other zoo animals, Shovels & Ropes at Stoughton Opera House on Friday night, Saturday is my grandma's birthday and her move day and I'm supposed to take her to brunch early before the movers show up, and Saturday night I have symphony tickets. But then after Saturday, I actually don't have anything in the calendar until grandma's next appointment. I mean, holidays like Thanksgiving and Channukah are in it, but I don't have set plans for those yet anyway.)

The farcical chaos surrounding my grandma's appointments continued -- not at the doctor's office but actually at the DMV on Friday. Luckily I have a referral/need to take grandma to an appointment on Monday and so can deal with it then. (scheduled on Friday. Also on Friday, scheduled grandma's next PT for 2 in the afternoon on the 29th. But the PT appointments are typically short, so that's not typically an all day thing for me.)

I'll try to remember to tell how farcical the Tues/Fri stories were, unless I forget. but I'll try not to forget.

The story that I wanted to tell, actually, was a short one but illuminating with what it's like spending time with me. So, not only do you get random ass TED talks/podcasts of whatever subject we wander to, but sometimes on longer car rides you get glimpses into what it's like inside my ADHD very psychically/spiritually gifted brain.

So this morning, I had to meet my mom and Crissy at my parents house at 9:30am so we could drive to Monroe for an 11am scheduled Minhas Distillery cocktail tasting. Which is fine. And today we got my choice for coffee and stopped at EVP (which opens later on the weekends and so doesn't always fit my plans for when I need to get coffee early before heading out of town. All that said, before the Lone Bellow show, definitely stopped at Starbucks because they've already declared holiday season and Cranberry Bliss Bars are my absolute favorite Starbucks sweet/pastry and while a quad shot grand caramel macchiato is my go to year round Starbucks drink, my go to during holiday season and my absolute forever favorite seasonal drink is the chestnut praline latte. You will always get a huge grin and a hug from me if you bring me a chestnut praline latte and a cranberry bliss bar, lol. There is no time in my life that I won't be delighted about that -- though I'd question if you tried to give it to me midsummer how you found it and how it was stored, lol.) 

So anyway, on the drive we had earlier been discussing the Packers and Rodgers entitlement syndrome and how much we like Jordan Love and his work ethic and want to see him do amazing on Sunday (my mother and I hadn't had a chance to talk about it yet.) The conversation had 20 minutes moved on to completely different topics when the radio started playing the Phil Collins song  Can't Hurry Love.  And (as far as my mother or Crissy could tell) I just started laughing really hard for no reason. And then I apologized told them, "O I'm so sorry. It's just. The song started. And my brain heard the song and gave me precog flashes of plays of games we've not yet seen of Love in the pocket as a montage to this song and the lyrics, "You can't hurry Love. No you'll just have to wait. She said Love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take." and it's just so funny!"[Full disclosure: Not all good moments montage. Some sacks in the mix...] They both laughed hard at that and thanked me for sharing it because it was such a perfect commentary and timing and I projected it so clearly to both of them. then my mom told me that I should send the suggestion to Fox Sports or someone so they could use it as a montage and I laughed said, "Aye, i should. But, they need more footage. He has to play more games before they can do it. And some of them in the montage aren't from this year -- his facial hair was different."

And the precog flashes are often like that. They happen suddenly, for the randomest little touchstone setting them off. But no matter how Sunday goes, I'm glad for the future facing precog confirmations about how Love will grow and mature as starting qb in the post-Rodgers packers era.

Anyway. That is all. I'mma head home and change into my pjs and make a chamomile lavender tea and read until I can't keep my eyes open then it's early to bed with me. That's my plan and only insomnia can foil it! Bonne nuit. 

P.S. Minhas had their Cranberry wine and their Dragon's tears red blend on sale for $5/bottle again and I actually find both of them very drinkable (most of their wines are too sweet for me -- I'm generally more of a tannic loving dry wine drinker. It's rare that even a semi-sweet is "drinkable" for my palette.) So I bought 6 bottles of each because the price was a good one for it. This particular  red blend is a good cheap red to have on hand for whenever I make chili. And we're definitely fully into chili season, lol. I also like to add a little red wine as well as some browned butter when I'm cooking up taco meat or basically any time I'm cooking up ground beef or ground turkey for recipes. It just adds a really nice depth of flavor, the mix of meat juices, wine, and browned butter. I don't cook or eat meat often -- I can go months without eating any and sticking to eggs, dairy, and legumes for my proteins. But when I do cook meat/fish, I tend to like to cook it with wine. And I do really love setting a pot of chili to slow cook while I have a crackly fire going for cozy snowy winter days/nights.

P.P.S. Not gonna lie, I definitely love that Chris Evans randomly plays piano in his Insta stories.  That always makes me smile whenever I see he's posted him on the piano again. I don't follow many celebrities tbh, but I like his dog and his energy (and his abs and pecs) as well as his piano playing so he makes the cut of the handful of celebrities I follow on any social media platforms, lol.

P.P.P.S. Mikaela joined us at the distillery (in WI she could even have drunk with her mom's permission and one of her parents present. Until she's 18, and then she's an "adult" and her own legal guardian so can't drink until she's 21 -- it's a confusing law, lol) and to practice getting hours in driving because she's 16 now. She informed me she would gladly go with me the lengthy ass drive all the way up to Churchill Manitoba to see the polar bears massing along Hudson Bay -- just not while she still has school. 

Underneath the starlight, starlight, We'll be lost in the rhythm, so right. Feel it steal your heart tonight. You can try to resist, Try to hide from my kiss. But you know, but you know that you, Can't fight the moonlight. Deep in the dark, you'll surrender your heart, But you know, but you know that you, Can't fight the moonlight, no. You can't fight it. No matter what you do. The night is gonna get to you.

Addendum:

Welp. My curls have not yet betrayed me - they're very pretty, well behaved, and soft because just washed. I have no idea what the curl beast is up to.....

Additionally, my ever changing sea colored green-blue-gray eyes have decided that today is a day to be intensely aquamarine. Which is a lot of fey in one look. Hell if I have any idea what to even consider as far as any makeup goes with my eyes playing at this sort of intensity without anything.

 Lord help me. Is there something my curls and my sea colored eyes know about needing to impress someone today that I missed the memo on?! I trust I'll be my usual feral mess by then, no matter how well behaved the curls are being this morning  

Time to finish my coffee and brush my teeth and get ready to head out. Just as soon as I convince the cat purring on my lap to let me up.

O yeah. Also. While washing dishes, I suddenly had in my head and started singing a song I haven't thought about in ages: Can't Fight the Moonlight. I don't even remember which late 90s/early 00s rom com it was in. I want to say it was Coyote Ugly? 

Anyway, that song in my head is as inexplicable as my curls drying in Botticelli curl pattern despite me having plans and my eyes being intensely aquamarine. Basically, I'm just really confused by my own existence and haven't even attempted to leave and interact with other humans yet.... 

[Post title: lyrics to the song Can't Fight the Moonlight because it's inexplicably on repeat in my head right now...]

 My hair never dries with this pretty a curl pattern when I have plans. Mostly it saves the Botticelli curls for when I'm headed to bed or going to spend an entire day at home doing laundry and chores. The curls are always a bit of a chaotic mess when I have plans.... And today I have very people-y plans to take my grandma to an 11am appointment and a 2:30 appointment (and hopefully lunch in between) and then I'm heading to see Lone Bellow at The Majestic tonight. 

And yet here we are with it halfway done drying into classic Botticelli curl patterns. 

I don't trust the curl beast. It has betrayed my trust many times in my life. I have full faith it's going to do something crazy as it finishes drying.... 

Ah well, not much I can do about it -- curly hair has a mind of its own. Time to go make coffee and breakfast then finish getting ready. I'll let you know with an addendum if my hair continues to surprise me and actually stays pretty after it finishes drying today, lol. But then, even a curl beast can delight me by surprise proving my expectations were wrong. 

But I mean, curly hair. It does what it wants. Always.

 I'll be honest, what little respect I had been regaining for Aaron Rodgers following his summertime diva fit and then refusal to show up to summer training was destroyed after it was announced that he not only tested positive for covid, but he lied when he stated he was immunized (antibody treatments don't count as immunized, immunizations count as immunized as far as an immunization record is concerned) and had been behaving towards media as if he were vaccinated including being unmasked in the media room after games rather than taking questions via zoom like Lazard has been doing. Other unvaccinated players on the team were following the rules, but Rodgers presumed that he could be anti-vax and still not have to follow the rules. And in doing that, he not only let down his entire team right before an important game against last year's AFC champions, but he showed himself to be an inconsiderate self-centered entitled person willing to put the health and lives of others at risk without their knowledge and I have no respect for that sort of behavior.  You do whatever you want with your own life but you do not ever knowingly put anyone else at risk without giving them full knowledge of the risks they're running into so they can make their own damn choices in best and fullest knowledge-- anything else is moral cowardice and selfishness of the ugliest sort.... 

If he wanted to be anti-vax that's his choice, I may think it an idiotic choice and anti-scientific method still it's his choice - but then it was for him to tell people so as not to put their health in jeopardy when they think they are making safe choices. What he did is as dishonorable as stealthing during sex -- what the hell right does any person think they have to tell a lie to make someone think they are in an agreed upon mutual safety code and then deliberately put that other's health at risk and thereby put unwitting others at further risk? It's different to be honest both parties choose to take risks be unsafe while both knowing what they are doing, the dishonor is in the lie in which you put another at risk when they thought there was an understanding of safety precautions between you. I have no respect for any person who would ever behave with such cowardice and knowingly endanger others under false pretenses.  It's fucking infuriating.....

The Packers would be better off without Rodgers no matter how good a throwing arm he has. Doesn't matter how good you excel at the skills of your chosen career path if you have that sort of shit for morals.

 I hope Jordan Love wins a resounding victory such as Rodgers leading the team has been unable to achieve this season -- it's unlikely against the Chiefs unless Mahomes really is injured like the rumors have stated.  But I genuinely hope that Love, who showed up faithfully every damn day of Packers summer practice and mandatory boot camp working hard to establish a rapport and flow with his teammates while Rodgers couldn't even be bothered to show up, can pull off a victory far more decisive than anything the selfish entitled diva has managed this season. Because the truth is, despite how good the Packers win record this season, there have been a lot of stupid errors that should have or nearly lost the games and the Packers haven't deserved all the wins they've got. It would make me very happy if Love managed to achieve a clear cut well deserved victory with the entire team united behind him on Sunday.

I will still cheer on the Packers and want them to win, it's not the rest of the team's choices that are currently an ethics issue and most of the team can't do a damn thing regarding who's in the media room after the games. But as far as I'm concerned Rodgers is dead to me. I'll be happier whenever anyone else but him is the reason for points on the board and wins in the bag. And I'll be happiest when he's no longer our quarterback.