There's a window of time before the month is out, right after the full moon, while both Crissy and my parents are out of town and there's nobody to call me on being an idiot for me to go hunting this thing whatever it is. Did I say that it will only hunt you when you're alone, not even animal familiars near you? Yes. Does that mean it's stupid for me to go off trying to hunt it down figure out what the hell it is when I have nobody who knows when/where I am for a few days? Also yes. But it means there will be nobody to stop me. And it means that I won't feel the need to hold back in dealing with it to protect any splash over to harm anyone else. Because the only time I generally run further than regroup to recon rather than standing for the fight is when I'm surprise attacked and worried about protecting others. That's just a part of my nature. Always has been. I've never much minded if I don't make it back from a battle, but I do care about abandoning others leaving them to fall or fail without me. It's like I decided when I was in high school that I didn't see any point in chemo if it robbed me everything that brings me joy just to try to hold on to a handful or two more years with this body and that the only reason to consider chemo would be for anyone else who wouldn't understand that choice, like kids too young to understand or someone who didn't believe in reincarnation who I felt had a right to tell me they believed this is all we get so I need to fight for this now. I'd not say I seek death or that I'm unnecessarily reckless with my life, but I do have a LOT of I should be dead stories, more than most people, and I don't necessarily have an attachment with a strong drive to hold onto this life in this body no matter what. Similarly, if I have to go do something that is going to require a lot of power or fight something that could harm anyone else around, if I go to face it, I prefer to be by myself (and my allies) or only having with me someone with their own strong enough defenses I don't have to split my focus from the fight to make sure I protect them. So having a window where there's nobody watching out for me to make sure I don't do anything TOO stupidly reckless or go after anything that is more powerful than what a single human body can channel the energy to face, well, it tempts me to use that opportunity to go find whatever this is and shout at it to come at me bro.....

Which probably means it's a stupid plan. Especially since it's not so much a plan as an awareness of a window of opportunity when nobody could stop me or tell me it's stupid and reckless of me. AND I haven't had a chance yet to ask around Seelie to find out what the hell it even is. I didn't say it was a GOOD plan, and the last time I had a not very good plan to deal with something powerful that involved using myself as bait, my gods/goddesses allies decided that was stupid and shifted things so I couldn't do it that way and wouldn't leave me alone to do that, sent Thunderbird to watch over me make sure I didn't do anything too stupid -- but actually their plan was better anyway. And this is admittedly not even a stupid plan just the idea that I have a couple days overlap with nobody to stop me from using myself as bait and going in spiritually lit up like a Christmas tree without even knowing what I'm up against. And put like that, it's a VERY stupid idea.

But it is around full moon that there's this opportunity, not dark of moon, which is in my favor not its favor.... Whatever it is....

The biggest difficulty (besides not knowing who/what it actually is or how powerful) is... If fear/anxiety/curiosity call it as I was warned when I was trying to find out what the hell it was, it seems like a conscious decision of hubris to defy and hunt it and fight it no matter what it is makes it disappear.... I haven't been able to discover even the slightest hints about it anywhere.... 

I'll think on it. I'm not giving up on defying whatever it is and hunting it down fighting it, but maybe I should finish the recon aspect before deciding during the next full moon to go scream into the spiritual void, "I'm alone, so come at me bro" and seeing what comes to fight me. 😆 Somehow, even for me, that seems like an absolute shite plan..... 

The fridge replacement is tomorrow (today now) in the timeframe 12:30-2:30 which means dropping off the dog at work midmorning, probably during a good break in getting laundry done, then coming home. I have one of the two shelves (and books) moved that will need to be moved preparatory to the fridge replacement and shifting the hinges but not the bigger nonfiction one. I also still need to unplug the fridge for them and move some things in my kitchen (like the microwave that lives on top of the fridge because I'm tall enough for that to be more useful to me up there than taking up counter space) and get stuff ready for propping open the doors for them. That's my tonight if I can't sleep or early morning project. (I've been having difficulty sleeping across 1am to sunrise lately.... I find myself wide awake protective "not safe to sleep now" vibe during the witching hours. It's always happened to me occasionally, especially in the dark of the moon leading up to the new moon, but it's been every night unless I've been running on fumes from not sleeping enough so I go to bed early right after sunset and THEN wake up between 1am and 3am. Ever since encountering whatever that was. Also, if I open my windows or doors at night, there are weird orbs of spirit light protective flashes flitting about and I don't know whose they are but they're not mine... Mostly it means that I've been sleeping between after sunrise and noon or sunrise til whenever I need to be up (like the two days this week that Mikaela was dropped off at like 8:30am) which is a very messed up Circadian rhythm to sleep through the morning hours because intuitively my gifts insist they're "safer" for sleeping than night hours, but here we are. Other than the fact I have work to do getting planters ready and some weeding in the flower bed at work, very little of my have tos need to happen in daytime hours the rest of this month. And Friday Sarah and Mikaela go away for a week or so to a time share with Sarah's mom, then the week after that Crissy will be at DI finals and while I will have to check in on Henry, timing for that is at my discretion, then the Friday after the full moon my parents are taking their dog Sophie heading to the cabin in Montana til the first Monday in June for payroll. May 31 is Frank Turner in Chi and June 1 is Frank Turner in Minne, but other than that all the daytime hour things should just be gardening/plants related which is about the weather as much as anything else.

Also. I just realized. We are now officially closer to summer solstice than to spring equinox. How did that happen? This year is disappearing rather fast, isn't it? 

5:30am addendum: have gotten all the books moved and restacked before the predawn lift of color that would normally be sunrise. (Rainy morning, so I opened the balcony door to let fresh air in and listen to the rain falling and frogs in the pond and birds singing in the pre dawn once the witching hour alertness ebbed into my normal sunrise awakeness. I will move the very heavy bookshelf a little later in the morning so as to cause less disturbance to my neighbors downstairs. This one is heavy but I'm not moving it far. Minimal to no chance of me having it fall on me in the process like the last time I was rearranging my bedroom and ended up with one of the three matching bookshelves I bought in high school fall on top of me pinning me on my own bed. That was not my finest moment but the bookshelf was empty so after I finished laughing at me and got it upright so I could stand and get back to moving things. The queen size metal bedframe, box spring, and mattress were actually more difficult to move around all by myself than the bookshelves because they were so damn bulky and floppy so even with my wingspan I couldn't reach both sides simultaneously while shoving them down the length of my closet so I could move the shelves to move the bed frame to get the shelves where I thought I wanted them to then move the box spring and mattress back. Anyway, have I mentioned lately that I get damn stubborn when I get an idea in my head that requires moving heavy/bulky things and rather than ask for help when I finally decide I'm going to do it, I just do it all on my own? Anyway, I've definitely had a very large wide bookshelf fall on me pin me to my own bed before because of that sort of stubbornness.... The bruises from that rearranging of my bedroom were rather gnarly tbh. At least this fairly minimal in shelving and stacking books, moving the bookshelves just a few feet of tetrising, moving the bookshelves back where they belong, then reshelving all the books.

7:20am addendum: bookshelf moved, kitchen mostly ready except microwave not moved and fridge still plugged in (and ice packs and ice still in freezer). First load of laundry going, half the coffee has been drunk and the potatoes/carrots for brekkie are cooking. (No protein though; out of eggs and took the cheeses to work fridge last night along with anything perishable in fridge/freezer, and didn't think to soak and add lentils or quinoa til too late. And peanut butter would just be fucking weird with what I've made, lol. I guess the butter counts a little for proteins and fats -- and there's a lot more butter than I would normally use, lol. Because there was a stupid amount remaining and I'm not generally a leave the butter out of the fridge person but wanted some to make breakfast but had nowhere level in the pantry for it and didn't want to deal with having it out in the kitchen maybe getting squashed making a mess. So I put it in with herbs for the veggies and turned up the heat to brown and reduce it.)

9am: out of the have tos before the fridge stuff other than 1) moving the laundry along 2) taking Waffles to work 3) getting the remaining ice packs out of the freezer and unplugging the dented fridge to be replaced 4) locking Spock in my bedroom once they're here. I have other cleaning and tidying up chores as well as plenty to read today, I just don't really want to get too in the middle of things lose track of time or be upset with interruptions when I don't know exactly when I that window of time they will be arriving.... I have the ADHD thing where I can't do anything while waiting for the one thing of the day other than getting ready for it because I want to be sure I don't time blindness miss it...it's annoying, but it means my time management issues are less apparent than with some other ADHD folk, mostly because I overthink anxiety clock watch to make sure I minimize any potential rudeness of me being habitually late because ADHD time blindness.. Luckily, for this morning I have the laundry moving along as a measure of time passing and a collection of short stories to read so setting it aside when the they get here SHOULD be easier than like if I were writing. 

11:11am addendum: took Waffles to work because reached a good break in the laundry cycle (just moved everything along to next phase, hung the clothes that needed hanging and folded the ones fresh out the dryer) and have now unplugged the fridge and tied open the fire door at the top of the steps for them. There's literally nothing more I can do for this until they either call or arrive and I can lock the cat in my bedroom/closet/master bathroom. So I'm going to read and drink tea and keep moving laundry along and do any chores if the mood strikes me so long as they aren't ones that can't be set aside when they arrive. It's a good thing I enjoy books so well and have a collection of short stories I'm reading right now, because I'm really not good at the waiting game of clock watching for hours or at being productive when I feel like I have to keep clock watching all the time.

 I'm not actually going to do any letting go right now of Eric or the hope/dream that maybe this lifetime can be one with at least part of our life paths shared. In the first place, that would be a major over react. But in the second because I genuinely don't know HOW to go about letting go of someone or something you can't cut the energetic cord between you and who even trying to dampen/weaken/render dormant the connection causes damage to both of our sense of aliveness and vitality. And thirdly because.... I think that even if you have reasons *cough* rationalizations *cough* that make you think you should deny yourself give up something, if the removal of it diminishes your soul or your aliveness in some way, then you wrong your core most self in trying to deny it -- you may have to rearrange your life to find a way you can have it but I do believe that it's fundamentally doing wrong by yourself and a form of self-harm to deny it no matter how you tried to justify that denial.... And so for all those reasons, I'm very hesitant about doing anything too impulsive at this point with all I've learned over the past six or seven years of how damaging it is to both of us to lose access to the bond. 

It's more of, the place of realization I had yesterday was considering the acceptance that rejection is protection and that for whatever reasons we are still in a "not now or in the very near future will that hope be realized" time.  You can't bypass healing just because you're impatient, what you skip will trip you up later. And I'd rather have to do the waiting while the healing is happening in healthy ways than to rush it and end up fucking up causing hurts that won't heal as easily just because the timing was wrong. 

Also. I'm not surprised at the sorts of conversations I had at Brian's celebration of life, even though biologically I was younger than those I helped -- it may be unusual for most people but for me that's the normal. It's almost like something in me draws to the surface the hard questions for growth that people need to face or to seek guidance on. I don't do shallow or small talk, and I seem to draw out of people their need for something deeper.  It's also a big part of me being introverted is because everywhere I go, even complete strangers open up to me have to tell me their life stories and what needs healing. And even when my way is to answer questions or ask them questions to help them find their own answers, I still carry their stories and the energy work with me after the interaction -- so just sitting outside in public spaces or going to a store or public transport or meeting a friend's neighbor or new concert friends can be an unexpected therapy deep healing session for the stranger and new hard stories for me to carry. It's hard to say no to someone when you can help and all you have to do is listen and ask them some questions so they can find their own way through -- only like anyone I have a finite amount of energy without recharging it. It's why I stopped bartending, I was getting energetically weighed down with too many heavy stories even if I helped people immensely. Because I am a transmuting (rather than absorbing) empath, I transmute the emotions I encounter and I spin everyone brighter BUT it still takes energy and the stories themselves sit inside me still need to be processed as things real people have to live through and grow from.... And I always carry the horrible hard heavy stories bear witness to them from the souls that told them to me to seek healing. It's sometimes why I find it easier to deal with malignant dark entities of unincarnated spirits than living people with all the horrors humans inflict on other humans and the survivors stories -- you just blast soul light at the entity or hand them over to higher judgement or bind them within a finite space/time area call for a bright unincarnated spirit to deal with them. That's much easier than transmuting pain and heartache and helping bear witness to truly hard stories to get a person into a place a person can choose healing for themselves after their story is heard. (Some unincarnated spirits, specifically ghosts who got stuck and not other entities, just need their stories heard -- so that's a similar hard work and then you open them up a door back to the light to reenter the cycle of souls because once they feel heard they are ready to move on and are no longer stuck. Most mediums find that easier than some of the bigger deeper more dangerous work I do. I find it the same sort of energy draining as peopling even if the people don't have bodies. It's why anywhere I sleep or call home I protect from unexpected spirit visitors even if they're just seeking help and directions to move on. I need safe protected spaces where only the living I invite and  gods and angels and Seelie can visit get past my protections so I can relax and rest and recharge when I'm there. You can find randomly scattered protected/blessed hotel rooms anywhere I've stayed.) 

But anyway. I'm not going to do anything impulsive as regards him or the bond, I HAVE come to understand across these recent years that the bond is OURS not just mine and to recognize the amount of damage it does if I just try to stoic my way through reactionary saying, "okay if that's what you choose, you have free will to do so.  But I'm going to put the bond to sleep while you do it because ethics." (Yeah, I know, "because ethics" is shite as a philosophical argument, but you get what I'm saying trying to shorten that. At least I hope you do.) I mean, I'm not saying there would never be reasons for me to have to do that again, only that I recognize I shouldn't act on it without a lot of reflection to make sure it is the best way and I can't find any other that still respects free will. Because I recognize the damage it has done whenever I've tried it before. And maybe one of these days we'll both be versions of ourselves consistently choosing each other so we reach a point where it's just unthinkable off the table not even an option to try to weaken or quiet the bond. I'd like that. I don't think either of us are there yet, but I'd like to think we could get there, to the place where we choose each other with so much certainty that anything that might diminish the bond isn't even an option to either of us. I'd like that very much.

And....not yet is different than not ever. It doesn't always feel like it, but there's a very important difference there. I can accept a not yet. It leaves room for hope and healing and becoming better truer versions of ourselves, it says to hold onto the clarity of the ideal you aim for rather than losing yourself in the distance to goal. It's when I get to conflating not yet with not ever that I get a bit desperate stupid impulsive.... I think sometimes all I really need is the pause for the reset and the internal nudge bop on the nose reminding me "not yet doesn't mean not ever, love" to get me across the times I get fractious about the distance between the 5d and the 3d.

I had something else I was going to write when I started this. But then Mikaela got here (it's her birthday today, even though her family are Jehovah's Witnesses so don't celebrate birthdays, she still wanted to spend it with the fur babies and me with music surrounded by my books and art and energy and calm) and I got distracted with making me coffee to go with the Kwik Trip donuts she brought us for breakfast snack and putting on Aoife Scott music and then we were chatting quite a bit and then trying to make lunch plans (plans are I'll cook us up some salmon and rice) and now here we are and I have no idea what else I had wanted to say that is why I started this before I wanted to clarify that last bit. Ah well, if it mattered I'll remember and catch that thought/feeling to be put into words later. 

My phone needs a recharge and my books won't read themselves. Back to my sunny Spring day of twittering happy birds in the choke cherry blossoms, sleepy animals, happy music, flowers on the breeze through the open balcony door/windows, coffee sipping while reading, time with the now 19 year old bonus sister/cousin unrelated to me, lazy slow Monday morning. 

Good G-d, under starless skies, We are lost, and into the breach, we got tossed. And the water is coming in fast. And, ah, my love remind me, what was it that I said? I can't help but pull the earth around me to make my bed. And, ah, my love remind me, what was it that I did? Did I drink too much? Am I losing touch? Did I build a ship to wreck? To wreck, to wreck, to wreck. Did I build this ship to wreck? To wreck, to wreck, to wreck. Did I build this ship to wreck?

 I've not got much to say here recently unless you want to know about my daily. Yesterday was the last symphony orchestra weekend of the year, the theme was Fiesta Finale and it was actually a really great one to end on. Long with four different piece ending with a Grammy award winning mariachi band as well as the end of the first half guest musicians who is most famous Mexican pianist who played the most gorgeous atmospheric Romantic piece (a Mexican composer who studied in Europe was besties with Liszt and was very much in the style of Chopin, Franck, and Liszt.)  It was a great performance to end with, especially because the last one was all of Verdi's Requiem and it's just soooo boring repetitive musically... But this month was particularly good! and I still have half my porta rajas burrito and the remaining chips and salsas for dinner tonight for Cinco de Mayo!

Earlier today I heard back today from skylar that the Wausau show didn't have tickets available (even though it's still listed as available) and there actually aren't any other of the days nearby that work with the other things I have going on,even with all the Minneapolis shows. I'm free on many of the off days but the days of the shows but the other shows that wouldn't require longer drives and overnights (which would be a weird thing to do for a house concert at a strangers house) are nights I'm busy. It's just the way that the dates chosen land. That was actually the ONLY date that easily worked (and it would have been my fourth night in a row of shows, only one in Madison) and I was told that there aren't tickets available for it so I accept that wherever the tour takes Eric and whatever he's looking for from it, it won't include me and I won't be there to share in whatever that experience is. Which is what it is. I did do as promised, I looked at the dates and what actually worked for my schedule (I'm not busy much NOW but once we get to the solstice, my schedule gets CRAZY til the solstice) and to fill out the form for what would work. And while it works for me, it isn't going to happen and that is how the reality shapes out. It does incline me, especially since I saw the email and read it at 11:11 on the 5/5 portal, toward paying attention to blocks being "rejection is redirection is protection" idea and accepting that for whatever reason this isn't the timing and I should be working on letting him go wishing him well wherever his life takes him (or at best simply accepting the isness of things in this current space-time nexus and focusing on what IS in my life during this time rather than what chooses not to be in my life.)  And to just not let him or his tour or what he's going through be centered in my focus since it's not actually in my life at this point or in the near future and so my focus should be on what is or could be or WANTS to be in my life. There is an art and a  beauty in letting go gently of what isn't meant for you and between everything with the girls in the band ostracizing me making me feel unwelcome at their shows any longer and now even just trying to attend a solo show of his being blocked by timing and literally being told "no, you can't come" even if in the nicest way you can phrase that but really skylar's job with the way this tour is setup is to be the one to say, "no you can't come, you can't sit at this table" or to connect people to the hosts to invite them figure it out but to be the one who decides who can and can't come. Once again it's not him saying it, but it's him creating a system whereby he has other people deciding for him "no you can't sit at this table" and the pattern is weirdly the same even if the means of it happening are different. It's just making me feel that the Universe is nudging me to remind me "rejection is protection" and to help me let go of what isn't meant for me so I can be more open to what is.  It didn't even sting this time, more sadness and acceptance but not surprise because I didn't SEE me at any upcoming house shows of houses I have never been to given the choices people have made and are making -- but it didn't even hurt this time, felt more confirmation of the same patterns from the past of when he allows others to speak for him or in his name and how it excludes me (and others) from opportunities of connection or being in his life. It would be easier if I could cut the cord of the bond or make it go to sleep, but I can just not let me focus on that connection let it be without either blocking it or putting energy into it from my end, simply letting it be there while I focus on what IS in my life and chooses to be a part of my life in this lifetime while I'm here.  Not as a forever no, but as a "rejection is protection" he's not yet ready and hasn't grown enough so the old patterns are still repeating -- so the timing isn't now. Focus on what is in your now and wants you enough to choose you and welcome you.

Today was Brian's celebration of life.  He was my dad's best friend through most of my life, at least since my grandfather's death, even though he's known my dad since before I was born and his wife Jeannine is my Aunt Linda's closest friend.  So they and their family have always been chosen family woven through my life this life -- me and my sister and my cousins were the only kids other than their son Brandon and their niece Jessie (who is a year or so younger than me) who were allowed at the new year's and midsummer parties. So Brandon and Jessie (especially Jessie) were like cousin-friends unrelated to me who I saw twice a year (though Jessie and I were in Camp Shalom together across many sessions and years of our attending it) who I hadn't seen in a long time and saw today. Also lots of actual family and friends who are family. Including Colleen who is a close friend of Jeannine (and my Aunt Linda) and who I hadn't seen since I was in elementary school but she remembered my energy and she was like, "You look exactly like you did back when you and Keith were kids, just taller. Your energy is the same and your face hasn't changed at all." Keith and I went to elementary school and middle school together and our last names are right after each other so whenever we were in the same classes or had grade wide events or in the lunch line, he and I were always lined up alphabetically by each other. Apparently he and his wife Holly are doing well and they're in Kentucky, lol.  Anyway, Colleen is the one who brought in her jeweler's microscope and a bunch of gems when I was in elementary school and since she and her husband are jewelers, she remembers my interest and joy in gemstones and crystals and we talked a bit today about gemstones/crystals as well and also wire wrapping and jewelry making.  And because I am an empath healer, I'm used to people coming up to me to tell me their life story (I carry a LOT of hard stories in me that aren't mine to tell but which i carry because I took them in to observe and help another soul, even a stranger's soul, carry the weight of their life path) or what needs healing light on it so a lot of different people wanted to come over and tell me about their dreams where Brian visited them after he passed and to get some advice about things that they're dealing with including a mom nearing retirement age whose college aged kid just came out as trans was kicked out of the house by the dad and how she's navigating and helping other parents through understanding and coping with it and discussing how she intuitively understands it more than her husband as someone who believes in reincarnation and can remember being both male and female in lives even though she can't remember the lives themselves. (Brian and Jeannine and their groups of friends they welcome in are all soul lights spiritually open people in my forms -- remember I said I grew up in a family on both sides and friends of family groups where in all of them wyrd gifts and reincarnation memories and astrology/tarot and intuitive knowing and mediumship are just accepted and openly discussed as part of ones experience of being a soul in a human body. Like, the Friday night dance parties Jeannine hosts and my Aunt Linda always attends includes psychic DJs of spirits visiting while between lives making requests.)   Anyway, it was nice being at the holy monastery for the remembrance of life and in the company of so many that I have known since I was a kid there to celebrate the joy and open armed love of Brian and their whole family and groups of friends they took in as family but not by blood.

And it was just an interesting contrast between the "rejection is protection" reply coming form Eric's tour management account versus the welcoming arms and open spiritual discussions and shared memories and love and hugs and people who ACTIVELY want me in their lives whenever our paths cross.  The difference between that repeated "rejection is protection" ostracism that I keep receiving from everyone Eric chooses to allow to represent him and speak for him and the open armed welcome and dancing energy exchange where I go where I am invited and welcomed and wanted. 

Also. I've been delving into what the hunting thing was right before the eclipse. It's what I do with myself this life. In my wandering path my life takes me, I choose to heal and clean up and fight whatever I encounter that I have the skills/gifts/allies to cleanse and heal and fight that not many currently incarnating souls n know how to do. It started because I didn't know what to do with myself this reward life, nothing called to me as what I wanted to build my life around and Eric just never showed up like he promised he would and then when he did he never chose me and he allowed others to ostracize me not even feel welcome to give any opportunities for connection to grow rather than wither between us. And this is something I have a very niche set of abilities to do that not many people can do or should get involved in and if you've known my soul in any life you know I never back down from a fight, no matter the odds, in the name of what needs to be done to bring more light into whatever space/time I'm alive in.  It's a different form with me dealing with unincarnated spirits that feed on the light and souls of the living who let them attach to them because thy serve their own emptiness or the unwinding of this Universe rather than furthering the unfolding of the Creation and soul light through it. So once that came to try to hunt me, whatever it was, it wasn't something I could stop myself from trying to deal with. I can retreat to regroup for a better battleground, but I will NEVER back down from standing by what is true and what is right and fighting all the light eaters that cross my path.  

Anyway, what I HAVE known about it is 1) it's not visible to eyes or spirit other than the sense of being hunted by something that wants to hurt you approaching but it IS something you can hear coming if you have clairaudient gifts so you can have warning of its approach if you listen 2) I once knew what it was but I no longer do 3) I was told very clearly by those I have asked in dream space about it that to focus on it, especially in fear/anxiety, calls it to you so if I'm going to try to face it or hunt it I need to do it without fear for myself or any others 4) no matter how long I shuffle my tarot decks asking about it, no cards whatsoever will pop out from ANY of my five decks and if I force cut the deck pull cards all I get is The Devil and occasionally Death but mostly the Devil. When I asked my only oracle deck, the only card it will give me for advice is to go ask the elves/seelie. But while I can feel them all around me watching me, they're hiding from me and unless I'm ready to go ride with them or attend court in my dreams rather than wandering shamanic dream space I won't find any Seelie powerful/old enough to be willing to discuss this with me, whatever it is. And I was randomly busy dealing with the fridge on Beltane and so while the fée were all around me, I ended up missing the window of time the ball was held unable to sleep during it to go consult them -- so now I have to wait til the balls around the solstice to consult them unless I can wander my way to one of the higher ups which I can only do if we both want it 5) I realized while on the drive back from St. Louis for the eclipse trip, this particular entity, safety against it is not to be out by yourself alone when it is walking/hunting/looking for a living soul to hurt

Anyway, on Sat morning while I was restless again feeling I needed to be somewhere else doing something important but I didn't know where or what only that I wasn't where I need to be for the sake of the fatelines, I did some more delving clue seeking. And I found some things of what I knew but knew so long ago I had forgotten and some things past me intuitively gathered knowing I would need them and clues for places to help guide me and give me answers and warn me. And I have some research to do up in Sauk County (which if you don't know about Sauk County and its paranormal connections, not even just Arkham House being there, as a nexus of ley lines and history for a lot of things, it's far too long for me to tell you everything about it. But there are times where even where I'm protected I am told clearly that I can't linger beyond certain times when the veil is so thin because I won't be safe given the darker things that walk there. There are just times even those protected aren't safe up there -- you are safest by not having any powerful gifts or any soul light that shines too bright.)

Anyway. I recognize all the warnings around whatever this is and I'm a little bit cautious about what I know I knew and have forgotten -- but also if this is walking then it needs to be tightened back in the chains it belongs in so it cannot walk at will when the veil is thin and the moon is dark (though it cannot be destroyed or even sent back to the light for judgement) even if this will cost me to be the one pursuing this dealing with it. Hopefully it won't require channeling so much energy through this physical form that it burns out this body, but if it does I'll catch ya in another life. I can't leave this walking especially with how hard it is to see/sense.  It will cause too much harm if it's left without marking its exact time/space breaking through and lighting that up on the celestial all time all isness map... My GOAL is to find it and mark the place and call in the allies who can do what needs doing, but that doesn't mean I won't have to defend myself or try to fight it or burn through this body too much energy or put myself in a lot of danger with this one. This is a big whatever it is I knew but can't remember.

But anyway, I have some leads and clues for research and tracking for the whatever it is/was. And I intend to put my energy into pursuing this and hunting it over the next month and a half. Even if the Seelie are watching over me closely right now but won't come to answer my questions even in dream space unless I come to court ball properly. And I don't know if there are any before solstice time ones. We shall see. 

Anyway. I'm going to stop thinking about this for now -- whenever I think too long on it my dog starts whining, even in her sleep, and if I'm at home my cat won't let me leave when I spend too much time/energy focusing on this. This was today when I had to leave for the funeral and the cat wouldn't let me leave til I promised them both I wasn't planning to do anything stupid TODAY and that I'd see him later tonight when I came home.

Am I smart enough to drop it and just be glad I survived that night it was hunting me and stay where I know I'm safe and protected and let it hunt without me doing anything about it? Naw. I ain't that cowardly. But the line between bravery and foolhardy is thin. And I ain't certain which side of it I'm on with this one given how hard a time I'm having remembering from my past selves or getting information about it. My angelic and old gods/goddess and fée allies are all surrounding me protecting me but they ain't giving me answers or willing to talk to me about this whatever it is.

So I'll just give you this poem that was just shared by The Smart Witch and gave me some intuitive pit of the stomach, look up this poem when i read it earlier tonight. Maybe it's nothing, maybe it's just a beautiful poem, but I'm going to go look it up now. 

"Chapter One: The Dawn and the Dread

by Douglas Laurent,

On Kari, Valkyrie, Cold Steel Eternity

 

Heartbeat, heartbeat comes from Valhallan way,

To meet down in judgment, to ply its trade.

Two →swords← to join in worthy cross,

Actions to be rendered, one to be lost.

 

She did come now from ’yond northern slope,

A day of reckoning did she again once hope.

A devout meeting was her qwesterly bane,

To stay her hand was to go insane.

 

St. Kari of the Blade to meet her past,

A wicked enemy, peerless of match.

Rode Kari she her charger on down,

Past the Dead Land where Gaul sat crowned.

 

A killing job, yea, she desired to lastly kill,

To set things right so her heart might lie still.

Upon the mist and roaring plain,

She entered in, a soul uncontained.

 

A fierce wind in deed, and forever freed,

Enemies she annihilhates (’tis hur’ creed).

Her own advanced guard of a sort,

Multitudes to follow in her report.

 

Know this Valkyrie from on cold,

An ancient maiden soft and bold.

A warrior spirit from Ages past,

A fragmented mind like broken glass.

 

Solid in stature this eternal framed being,

Yet crippled within from internaled bleedings.

A sword saint so refined in the poetic art,

A noble character yet with a banshee’s heart.

 

Rhythmed horse now to the beats,

Kari emboldened amid the sleet.

Beyond the mountain she does come,

Unto southern fields wherein rules hot sun.

 

Far from that murderous Deadlands ground,

The land up swells; the dead still abound.

Traverses she those bygones of leprous civilizations

Those cities crumbled by the exhalted of oblivions.

 

Stark traces etched now bare in the land,

That are no more again, save dust in the hand.

A cool stream now in desert sans

(Does more good when one is damned).

 

Stopped she her mount to admire the flow,

A lovely stream with skeletons packed below.

Blue air whisps; dragon flied motion.

Flintsteel striking!!! Sparked of commotion.

 

Cold water chortles rushtish with tint,

Told of past carnage, it whetted her glint.

Fallen warriors, they are no more,

Swirls and eddies mark their discord.

 

Gurgled shouts slung and gathered,

Faces glazed while steel lathered.

Refreshing though it was to her mouth,

She smelled an air; she flared about.

 

Came up that ridge of loud, sanded hill,

Below a man and his half-score of kills.

Kari’s eyes waxed in smug contempt,

Possibilities ran deep with no repent ..."

 

Also this poem from A Solitary Witch (a closed group so I didn't share it to my wall) :

"When the lamb becomes the lion –

And the prey becomes the huntress –

Everyone acts surprised.

 

As if they did not see her coming.

As if they did not place the salt on her wounds.

As if they did not cut her open, open her wide –

Expect her to swallow her defeat.

 

They should’ve learned

A long time ago

Exactly who she was.

You saw the scars.

You saw the battle wounds.

You knew she survived them.

 

So tell me,

What kind of woman survives this kind of war?

Only a woman who is the war.

 

Who brings the war with her,

Her bare naked feet filled with soot,

Scorched earth between her toes.

They tried to pour ice into her lungs –

Tried to keep the truth buried, frozen –

Tried to keep her quiet, but they forgot –

 

She still breathes fire

because she was made from it.

 

You will ask her to bow and she will climb.

You will ask her to crawl and she will rise.

You will ask her to die and she will be reborn.

You will bury her and she will grow.

 

You should’ve known that

This is not a woman

Who fears the wolf.

The wolf fears her.

~ Shahida Arabi"

Anyway. I'm not making choices NOW other than to focus my attention and energy and gifts where is needed and/or wanted and/or welcomed rather than where it is unwanted and unwelcomed. Well, not sure if me pursuing this entity is welcomed per se, but this is an "if not me than who?" spiritual battle and so I am pursuing it. Because that is what I do in such encounters. Especially when I lack deep roots of anyone who needs my protection needs me to stay rather than step up to the fight. For all I know, the reason the timing isn't now with Eric is because of that damn thing that sought me out chose to try to hunt my light and so now I'll be hunting it so it can't act in ways to hurt someone innocent, someone who is less aware/protected/bright shining as me. But, I don't think that's it -- I think this is just something that needs doing and so for me to do and focus on while still waiting for him because even after all these lifetimes he's still not yet ready even if he's closer than he's been in a very long long time, he still hasn't learned the lesson(s) that he needs to learn that keep us apart so we don't have to repeat his same past choices and the same past stories of the cycle that I'm hoping we're ending soon. But whatever it is, unless I'm healing/cleaning something up, you will never find me where I'm not wanted or welcomed -- and that's straightforward enough. If you want me, you need to choose me and welcome me or I'll take all my light and warmth and wander off with it to where I am needed and welcomed, whether it be for a battle or for healing/cleansing, it's where I'm needed and wanted to be that you will find me. Or where I've wandered because something called me and now I don't know why I'm here but I'm here to find out why until I head to where I'm next needed/wanted.

On verra. But for now, I'm going to stop talking about it, put on something happy to sing and dance to and get some work done and maybe heat up my leftovers and reset me before I go water any plants. (I think just the melodramatic ones need it, the others still have a lot of moisture in them. But no matter how many or few, you go to care for the plants with a light heart that can listen to their wants and needs and return to them love for love, otherwise your attempts at care or actually harm when it comes to green baby care. ) 

[Post Title: lyrics to the Florence & the Machine song Ship to Wreck.]

 Oooft. I have some small cavities between teeth we've been watching that now need fillings in June. Like, four small ones that showed up on x-rays but are now visible to the eye and they don't currently hurt or anything but they should be dealt with before they get worse.  He asked if I wanted to split them up or all at once and I said, "O all at once is preferable. I don't numb up well. Novocaine like lidocaine doesn't work at all, the shots just burns down the nerves, articaine works best but never fully numbs." And he was just like, "O! That's good to know! I haven't given you fillings before." And I was like, "Yeah. Red head gene mutation. All pain burns, even cold. At least you don't have to try to knock me out, I woke up on them while they were taking out my wisdom teeth. Surprised all of us." At least music was good today even if the news from my cleaning wasn't. (first Mumford & Sons then Lumineers then John Mayer then Amos Lee and Frank Sinatra during the cleaning.) Can we put a pause on the serious level adulting for a bit maybe? Just because I said my May and June are surprisingly empty unbusy doesn't mean I wanted them filled with more adulting blah have tos....

Anyway, I'm glad I made it. Cathy K called me around 11 to ask if I had time to talk. (She's my mum's best friend since high school, like a bonus aunt godmother to me; I spend time with her and her cat(s) whenever I'm out in the Seattle area. She's in Edmonds.) She's had some health problems recently and she's not one to call midday unnecessarily (the last time was when Finn was sick/dying) so I took the call and when she asked if I had some time to talk she sounded like she needed it told her truthfully that I had a little time to talk but not a lot because I needed to finish getting ready then drop the dog off before my dentist appointment but that we could talk for maybe half hour or so then and later today if she still needs to talk. I wouldn't ever normally time bracket a conversation like that, normally I let people talk as long as they need when they reach out to me from a hard place in their life, but dentist appointments are HARD to get -- my "6 month cleaning" the soonest they could do for my next one isn't until February 11... First thing in my calendar for next year actually. So because of that I took the call and had the heavy conversation, but I warned her at the start that I had to time bracket how long we could talk right then couldn't do much more than half hour because of my dentist appointment.

Basically, her elderly cat cat Morgan isn't doing well. She's not been eating much and throwing up a lot and lost a lot of weight. The emergency vet gave her anti nausea meds and they think it is most likely cancer of the stomach or lymph node near the stomach but can't be certain without scope... So she's end of life decision considering for her beloved fur baby (her other cat died rather suddenly just a year or so ago) and last time I visited Cathy and Morgan in December I had that "I feel like this is the last time I will se you alive sinking inner feeling..."  My advice to Cathy was abasically, "Don't hold on to her out of selfishness, think about her pain and her needs and wants. She's had a wodnerful life and you odn't need to feel bad if you choose to let her go when she's ready rather than trying to fight to prolong life but at what cost. Surround her in love and know that we can give a good death to our animal family and make sure that she ends her life as surrounded by your love and best possible care for her and her needs as possible.  There are no wrong answers, just situationally best hard answers with an elderly pet dying."

Heavy difficult day today. Not just because of that news, but that added sorrow to my day. And yesterday. But in different ways. So about yesterday. Let's start with the two posts I started yesterday before realizing I was NOT telling the story in anything like a narrative manner, lol.

~*~*~*~

5/1 7:15ish pm:

*le sigh* my Uncle Jeff's idea of "this afternoon" is that it's already after 7 and they're still not here...... If I had known that I would have asked them to come another day given I do have to get the deposit done tonight still and I have a dentist appointment at noon-thirty tomorrow.  It's a little inconvenient having the fridge open the wrong way because it means setting stuff on the counter behind me rather than next to me, but I'm skinny so there's space for me in the galley kitchen between the counter/dishwasher and the widest the door swings open. But the same wouldn't be true for most people (including Mikaela when she visited) who might pet sit or any boyfriends bigger than me or anyone who might move in if I sell the unit with this fridge here.... Frankly, most of my friends and family except the most petite wouldn't have enough space to open the door if they were standing in front of it. Thus the desire to switch them eventually (and my da being a Capricorn sun, "eventually" meant "you can procrastinate tomorrow" so it needs to happen as soon as he has free time and Jeff does as well unless I have tickets to something.) 

I'm annoyed at how late it is and restless feeling there's somewhere else I'm supposed to be but I don't know where the fuck that is and the closer it's getting past 7 the more annoyed I'm getting and I need to let it go before something breaks. I'm NOT as annoyed as Spock was when I watched Scott Mulvahill's Instagram livestream at 6 though.  Scott's a good guy, WAY too Christian for my tastes but a good guy. I see his live shows whenever I realize he has shows nearish. He is a close friend of David Howley (of We Banjo 3) and when Dave lived in Nashville he actually lived with Scott and they often did livestreams together on the regular during covid. Anyway, in preparation for a show he's hoping to stage next month all featuring songs on Scott's Data-Bass (an upright bass he constructed that has midi patches on it that all play different snippets and loops when he hits them to help him construct more dynamic layering of his own instrumentation than static looping allows while still being able to play the stringed upright bass as intended. Think the way some guitarists play percussion on the body of their guitar with a mic inside it and use finger taps and subtle taps and wrist flicks as part of the movement of the playing (see: Andreas Kapsalis and Daniel Champagne and Shane Hennessy for examples) only where he hits are touch sensors to a chip to play a midi file he pre-recorded rather than a mic from the inside of the percussive hitting the wood body of the guitar. Anyway, Data-Bass is super cool as is his song about putting down the sword. Can't remember the name of it exactly. But he's working up toward an entire show using Data Bass so to hold himself accountable for practicing and playing around, he decided it would be fun to go live at 6pm every day in May on both instagram and facebook for just short little playing sessions connecting with people. So I was watching that at home using up my data plan while waiting for at least an ETA on when my Uncle Jeff was getting over to my place form the north side of town where he lives.  BUT while watching Scott's livestream, Spock got so angry at Scott whenever his Texas accent got thick or when the bass parts/singing clashed with the George Winston mix I still had playing on my laptop for the cat. He started with side eye glaring and then he got up from where he had been asleep on the back of the couch and then lay on my chest/stomach/hips pretending to snuggle but really so every time something in the livestream irked him interrupted his piano vibing, he could bat at the top corner of the screen where he has seen me hit the x to exit video chats and such. Eventually, he took his nose, stuck it under/inside my hand and pushed the power button with his nose and turned the whole phone off. I laughed and got irritated simultaneously then decided it was my fault for interrupting the piano music having both on and went to my bedroom to watch the rest of Scott's short livestream.  I'm excited to have evening livestreams to look forward to again -- I've been missing those and didn't even realize I'd been missing them until Scott randomly did one last week Wednesday at like 9:30 or 10 or something like that. But for all of May, 6pm every day Scott plans to be there and I may as well join if I can because most of my May is relatively free right then.

and of course I shouldn't be annoyed or restless at all. I AM annoyed and restless, but I shouldn't be...  I SHOULD be grateful they can help me with it at all as opposed to annoyed that "afternoon" meant "after 7pm" so I got nothing done all day. And I AM grateful they are coming over to help me and have the tools and are willing to help me out before Jeff is leaving town on a trip (it is a two person job in a tight space and the second person has to be strong enough to be able to hold the refrigerator door completely steady throughout the removal and installation process so that you don't bend or warp the hinges -- it's not that I couldn't do it, but I would have to borrow or buy the tools because I buy tools ad hoc not in a guy "I need to have all the tools" way and get someone else to help me anyway because it IS a two person job and so it was just easier to let them bring the tools to do it because this is what they like to do and they have more experience and more muscle mass than me given they grew up on a farm and my da can bicep curl more than I weigh and my uncle is not just a carpenter/construction guy but also has competed in body building competitions throughout his life. (They have actual muscle mass strength even though they're now both in their 60s -- me, I just have stubborn force of will and a ballet given stoic endurance to muscle ache/strain and holding the isometric any damn way making it look graceful because you HAVE to and wiry muscles with too little cartilage and hyper mobile joints tenacity) So I SHOULD be grateful to them. And i AM grateful. I'm just also very annoyed right now that I think this is going to take longer than expected and I'm very restless inside and how the hell does "mid afternoon" ACTUALLY mean 7pm anyway?!?!?! I mean in what world

~*~*~*~

5/1 10:15ish pm

Okay. Pause. Breathe. Reset. Seriously reset.

Forget all of that. Well maybe not forget all of it, but that mid side thought unfinished ending was at like 7:30 and then they got there. And then what was supposed to be easy wasn't at all easy and I'm so grateful they were there and doing it and helping and the whole everything because found that while it looked fine installed, it actually wasn't and they were there for over two hours and there was a lot of "AAAAARGHS!!!! WTF WTF WTF?!?!" going on from like 8:15ish until like 9ish when we started to figure out what must have happened based on something we found when we pulled the fridge out to try to find something we thought fell under the fridge but was really inside the door -- and I'm telling this impressionistic adhd run ons all over the place, telling it allllll wrong.... so even if you HAVE a physics/engineering hands on brain you are NOT following what happened between 8:15 and 9ish in my life or why I was such a ball of unresponsive except for angsting "wtf?!" to any overtures down the bond because I was trying to help triage figure out why the reversible hinges didn't work to close the door fully when reversed even when everything was done right but did when we put them back the other way and how we discovered it and...... 

Y'know what? I am STILL telling this alllllllll wrong and not storytelling fashion at all just kaleidoscopic run on impressionism. Which is a  style. I guess. But not a useful style for narratives.  More useful for emotional/mental states but that's not what I want to write here right now (though I did realize something randomly while dealing with the damn fridge door that belongs here but isn't about the fridge door at all because brains have epiphanies in the craziest moments... and I hope I don't forget to say it but it happened when I felt just this need down the bond for reassurance and I just couldn't DO it right then other than like a pat on the head, "no I'm not upset with you, I just have some grownup things I need to be paying attention to right now and your timing is bad, can't you just wait until we finish this and then I promise I will give you my undivided focus and love and reassurance but right NOW I have to be here in the moment trying to figure out with my da and my Uncle Jeff why this damn fridge door is behaving this way...."

Let me take a breather, put on some podcast or the news, pour me some whiskey, and get some work done (because I can't go back home for a while because downstairs neighbor is trying to kill me again with her cleaning products making me pass out and I nearly hit my head on the edge of my dresser when I fainted fromt he concentration of her cleaning fumes and new plugin when I opened the door to my bedroom to let the cat out, which was after my da and uncle left following the fridge fiasco but before my 15 mins search for my phone (which I had set down face up on a black book and ain't never gonna find a black phone face set on a black book unless you get a notification or text/call all while still breathing in the fumes from her cleaning products downstairs in her bathrooms right below mine because vent fans and air purifiers take time damnit.)  Then with a little more time distance and emotional feather settling and whiskey in me, I can tell about this in storytelling narrative fashion not adhd rambling impressionistic associative fashion. Let me get some whiskey and some self control and calm my shit and get back to you, k? K! (like you have a choice though.)

Oooh! Just went to get water to make some tea and saw there's still like a third of the pot of coffee from earlier today for me to reheat and enjoy. Which, if it doesn't put me to sleep, will help me focus be less scattered even faster than tea.

~*~*~*~

5/2

So I'm starting this while watching/listening to Scott Mulvahill's livestream tonight. Only I'm at work so the cat isn't bopping it off (and I can actually type as opposed to tapping it out on my phone.) Although, Spock might like this one better (now that the gremlin chipmunks and no vocals feed through his mixer got fixed when he unplugged the soundboard and replugged it in. basically turned it off and on again -- now it's just the weird instagram live fucking up vocals thing. But it doesn't do that over on fb and since he has setups for insta, fb, and youtube when he goes live, I'll probably re-watch on the actual screen later to see if it solves the audio issues of randomly slowing down and deepening his voice (this is a thing that instagram does to all live videos now -- it didn't used to, it's a last couple months thing and it's rather annoying. But it does it even in non music speaking live videos.)  Although Spock would probably like this Scott song more than any Scott songs he's heard before, Scott hopped over to his piano rather than his upright bass and Spocky does love his piano. And that was a particularly beautiful piano song Scott Mulvahill just played.

So. last night. They showed up around 7:15ish and expected it to be a 20-30mins job because that's what it said online and the directions were straightforward. And it SHOULD have been. The problem was, after removing the doors and swapping all the hinges and mounts, we got the refrigerator door back on and the bottom corner hit first and there was a big gap at the top so it couldn't shut properly. Everything was tight, nothing was missing and we went over and over and over EVERYTHING trying to figure out what was wrong and if it was something we did but there was literally nothing it could be. 

We finally landed on "it must be ever so slightly out of plumb not a proper rectangle." and we measured it and it was slightly off so we decided :let's try flipping the hinges back the way it came and see if it closes properly. If it does, give them a call get a replacement one since these hinges are supposed to be reversible." Only then, the protective white gap stopper was dropped and we couldn't find it for the life of us and I jokingly said, "I promise the cat didn't take it, he's locked up in the other room" while mentally adding, "I can make no promises at all for my house pixies though." 

So we searched EVERYWHERE and finally pulled the fridge forward to check underneath it and after pulling it forward my Uncle Jeff goes, "Holy f*ck. Dani! Did you have any idea that it was crunched in like this in the back corner ?!" So I told him, "No. I never saw the back of it. They brought it up the stairs then straight back down the hallway and over through the galley kitchen then pushed it back into the spot as part of the delivery and installation. They only showed me the front asked me if it looked good and took a picture of the front of it installed, nobody showed me the back of it." So I went to go look and it's badly damaged in back and we did notice when we removed the shelves to take the door off that some of them were cracked along the side up against the door (which I hadn't noticed until taking them out because I had taken all the tape off them but hadn't individually pulled them out to check them or rearranged them because I hadn't re bought everything for my fridge yet since the old one died. Like, all the food I had in the door were the sticks of butter and some condiments.

Right after we found the massive dent in the back and decided it definitely NEEDED to be replaced by CostCo (which luckily has a great return policy) my da goes, "O! I found the spacer! It fell into the door somehow so it was white on white." I just sort of smiled ot msyelf because maybe physics of how it dropped as the door was removed and then the door set down on the blanket I'd provided to have a soft surface to not scratch it.  But, also, the timing and where it was and everything about it happening RIGHT after we discovered what was wrong with the fride and the WHY of the gap at the top trying to flip the hinge is EXACTLY the way that serendipity on my left shoulder and karma on my right shoulder and my attendant pixies behave. They often make things disappear though they do eventually give them back but not always wear they took them from.... After da and Uncle Jeff left, it took me over 15 minutes to find my damn phone and when I DID find it, it was face up (so black screen without any notifications or apps or texts or calls coming) on top of a book with a black cover.... Nowhere near anywhere I was while I had the phone in my hand....

So as both my da and Uncle Jeff said, "That was a ball buster of a job" mostly because we didn't realize the fridge had been bashed in so the reversible hinges won't ever line up. 

So last night my mum actually got a hold of Costco (they have the membership, so it's technically in their name as is the two year warranty) and got a really nice customer service representative and started the return process to replace this fridge which works perfectly as long as you want the hinges on the right and don't mind a crunch dent on the back side. We also learned that apparently even though there's no way in the scheduler online or via text or email to make sure you get a technician who has the tools and the time scheduled in, part of basic installation is that they WILL flip the hinges for you as long as you don't have an ice maker in it. You just have to call and get a human AFTER it has shipped to arrive at the logistics center in Janesville but BEFORE they schedule to bring it delivered to me. So it's a very small window to make sure you get a tech who can flip the doors for you (or maybe do it at their warehouse before delivery and then rewrap it...) 

So at least we won't have to ask Uncle Jeff to come over with his tools and then have him do everything right and a short under half hour job that turns into a 2+ hour job that you can't even complete... So I am grateful that they came over and tried, even though it was so late on a Weds and took so long, because they at least had all the right tools and did everything right and didn't damage or dent anything so we could discover the dent on the back and get returns processed before finding  out that it had somehow damaged something internal in the compressor or freon or who knows what.

It's supposed to be at the Janesville facility next week on Tuesday and tentatively delivery to me for the exchange on Thursday currently scheduled. 

So even though it was frustrating and a temper flaring situation during those hours (because it gets under everyone's skin when an easy job fixing something they're good at doesn't work no matter what you do and you can't MAKE it work) I'm actually glad it happened the way it did and they were both there so that I don't have a freon leak into my condo or anything like that from a fridge I didn't realize was damaged because I never saw the back of it. And never would have known if that little white gap stopper hadn't disappeared and they got stubborn headed "things can't just disappear" insisted on finding it to put the hinge/door back together right damnit. And then reappeared was found in an unlikely place RIGHT after we discovered the damage to the back of the fridge.  Somebody's looking out for me, even when the manifestations of it get tricky, we'll leave it at that. I will DEFINITELY be checking every inch of the whole damn thing when the replacement arrives! Hopefully next week.

Which means that between now and next Thursday, I once again have to unshelf ALL the foreign language/dual language books AND the one bookcase of non-fiction (AGAIN) so I can move the bookshelves to widen the space let the fridges move through the full width of the hallway. 

As I jokingly said to my mum when I came to get my dog at like 9:30, "As Aunt Linda would say, this is why you don't buy major appliances during mercury retrograde. Not that we had a choice -- the old fridge died right during the middle of Mercury retrograde after all. And lfie has to go on no matter what the stars are doing."

But anyway. That's the story in straightforward linear fashion not impressionistic adhd jumble.

And it was good to get to see Uncle Jeff since it had been a little while, even if the cat did have to stay locked in my room/master bathroom for over 2 hours while we were messing around with trying to flip the hinges and then figure out why it wouldn't close properly when flipped....

So now I have some fridge delivery stuff going on next week (also Mikaela is going to come over on Monday spend some time with me and the fur babies and the books before she and her mom head to Michigan to visit Sarah's mom and stepdad. AND now I have in my June calendar those damn fillings... not looking forward to that but is what it is and Dr. Lxu is VERY meticulous minimalist but do it precisely right about everything. So May 31 and June 1 are Frank Turner shows (one in Chi, one in Minne) and June 3 grandma has her moved gerontology appointment and now June 6 I get to have cavities filled...But then after that nothing much til June 20-somethingth. 6th maybe? 26? That's when the first APT date of the season is. Somewhere around then...

P. S. Just saw the email from Summerfest. And it made me laugh really hard. Because back in like March, somewhen I was driving to a show somewhere, All-American Rejects came on the radio and I went, "O but I miss them! I wish they would tour again!!!" And Crissy told me, "Be careful what you wish Dani -- whenever you wish for musicians, they show up and go on tour near you." Anyway, I still miss them. And they were just announced as playing at Summerfest on Friday June 28. Which is why I laughed when I read the email. Because I literally JUST asked for them a month or so ago and after years of not touring and no plans to tour, they're on the schedule now for Sumemrfest.

So let the light guide your way, yeah. Hold every memory as you go. And every road you take, Will always lead you home, home. It's been a long day without you, my friend, And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. We've come a long way from where we began, Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. When I see you again.

 Okay. I HAVE a post and an update for you from tonight, I really do. Only it's a fractured impressionistic post written across a couple different time periods right now to explain why I was agitated this evening (Uncle Jeff ended up not free til after 7pm, not exactly what I would call afternoon but is what it is and then it all took WAY longer than expected) and all over the place and not able to reassure when asked because he needed it down the bond. Everything's alright, adulting happened tonight (with the help of older adults, aka the real adults.) And I truly genuinely honestly PROMISE that all my earlier agitation and not having time for you, it had nothing to do with you unless you are a fridge or fridge door that wouldn't shut when flipping the hings or the delivery people who delivered it installed it with a massive dent in the back against the wall where they assumed I would never see it and so the entire frame was slightly askew for reversing the hinges but they made it sit level by adjusting the feet so nobody would ever notice (unless of course you tried to reverse the hinges because unless you're skinny as me or skinnier, you can't get into the fridge with it opening with the hinges on the right. So I promise you, unless the Universe just took an unexpected surrealist veer to far left field so you are a fridge, a fridge door, or one of the two delivery men AND while being one of these four entities somehow could reach me down the bond as a mess of anxiety and worry about "what if this doesn't work but it has to work because I don't know what else to try next but if it doesn't I'll try again but please please PLEASE tell me I'm doing this right and it will work" and I could not properly return the love and reassurance down the bond that you so desperately needed between like 8:20ish and 9ish because that was right in the middle of me needing to ACTUALLY focus on grownup things of figuring out the full force frustration and anger and trying to help me da and uncle dealing with said fridge and fridge door and the lack of accountability of the delivery guys turning what should have been a 20 minute project with the right tools (and Uncle Jeff has all the right tools -- he's a carpenter, former union construction worker before his back injury, house renovation, can do electrical and plumbing in a pinch, handy guy who owns ALL the tools because his livelihood is in his hands and knowledge and skillsets and tools to get the job done right) into a 2.5 hour trying to find what we might have done wrong theorizing and testing and trying to figure it out fiasco until we found the dent on the back and checked and the whole thing was ever so slightly out of plumb.

Anyway. I PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE it wasn't you and the timing just sucked that you reached out down the bond wanted love and reassurance and got treated like a kid by the grownups doing adult stuff.  I'm sorry about that. I love you and it will be alright and the more you believe you can make it right the better it will go. I know I had that bigger than a wobble the other day and had to get all my worrying and overthinking OUT of me into word form to help me see it and purge and release it in the form of all that "but this root cause issue hasn't been solved or even addressed and I don't know how to keep it from ruining everything you're trying to do and so I'm scared to reach back to you because it will hurt worse when it all falls apart because of this thing that happened that neither you or I chose but now we have to deal with working around and it sucks and it's stupid and I want to trust and come see you but I'm scared of the hurt if this thing that happened destroys it all again. It hurts so much to have hope and faith in you then see it destroyed again because of this stupid thing...." And I'm sorry if that destabilized you rocked the boat and is a part of your overthinking tonight. I really didn't mean for that to happen. I just could feel it festering inside me and needed to lance out the pus and poison of that whole thing again because if I didn't do at least that much it was going to keep spreading infection under the surface and I didn't want that...

And. I'm still very impressionistic emotional all over the place not linear narrative so I hope you can follow this....

But what I'm trying to say right now in the last half hour or hour of writing all these words in yet another wordy post here is:

1) I love you. Always and always and always. No matter what forms we take life to life or whoever either of us grow to be, the love is always there and is the beating heartwood of the bond between our souls. It is literally love and only and always love that is what formed that bond and keeps it alive and sends the rush of all the feels and other things back and forth between us down the bond. It's a core isness resonance thing and it doesn't change its mind no matter what things in lives happen to get between us. I love you always and always always in whatever time tense you need to hear that.

2) It will be so good when we get there. better than just being alright. If it's not, then it's only the end of a chapter not of our longer story. And I know this to be truth in the deepest core parts of my soul because the only person more stubborn than me is you when you set your heart on something let that guide you. And that's why I know that as long as we are both clear and focused on the same goals, ain't no damn thing in this world can stop us. Not even the Roman army or the British army or smallpox. I mean, sure they could all kill us, but they've never STOPPED us because we just  come back and start right back again the moment we wake up to ourselves and remember. So I promise you, be clear with your own inner self and it will be good and so much better than good when we get there. And we will get there, sooner or later, straight path or circuitous path we WILL get there. Every damn chance we can.

3) You need to sleep now. Let the anxieties overthinking go, it doesn't matter. Go rest now. It's late  enough to almost be encroaching on early. I'll finish my other post in a proper narrative form to tell you when my wordsing is less impressionistic more storytelling. If it's not waiting for you in the morning, I will finish the end explanatory linear narrative portion of it tomorrow at some point. I can't promise if it will be morning before my midday dentist appointment or afternoon or later in the evening before I head home to sleep. (Should sleep now, but if I head home now, will be down with migraine all day tomorrow due to my downstairs neighbor chemicals in cleaning products and air fresheners and that's a part of the story I need to tell in linear fashion if I remember and still am not.) But if you go to sleep NOW, I promise you that if it's not there when you wake up in narrative form then I will make sure it is before I go to bed tomorrow night in the "between Thurs and Fri" sleep period, k?

Now. I'm gonna go back to podcasts and microwaved black coffee and a pour of whiskey and inputting (I didn't get to work until after 9:30pm tonight, so I will have to get some hours in tomorrow and I'm putting off the detail oriented focus of the deposit til tomorrow; I do want to get the clean dishes put away though as a lot of dishes accumulated in the sink at work today since me running the dishwasher yesterday) to settle me down try to get my words to behave themselves in linear forms not adhd impressionistic forms. But I hear you right now and I hope you can hear me reassuring now that I can and in case you can't still this is my best attempt in words that I am capable of at this time.

(Fun fact about me: normally I'm all just a mess of thoughts and words come easily naturally like the breath of a wind or falling rain. BUT when my emotions get involved deeper than the surface level, words get really REALLY hard for me and they tend to be all over the place. My emotions tend to be like big vast oceans and when I get upset it gets to all be a storm inside me with massive waves and winds and all. Which is why often when things upset me I don't talk or write about it til I've got a handle on it because I'm trying to wrestle big sea storms inside me and not drown in them. BUT, if you touch my emotions really deeply even if it's to touch them in a way that makes everything still and clear and full of love light beaming down sparkles over all the seas inside me, I ALSO still lose all the words I ever knew in the intensity and depth of everything I'm feeling. So like if you move me deeply and touch me to the core, you should know to expect that the best I have to give you back is going to be the light in my eyes and the warmth and love beaming out of me and the intensity of all the emotion you feel pouring from me toward you. Like, just know to expect that it will take me a bit of time to find words again if you touch my emotions deep enough below the surface to calm all the seas inside me and I might not have any way to respond except to beam out love light warmth and emote everything inside me I'm feeling.  Words will come back eventually, they always do, but the more profound the emotions you touch in me, the longer it might take til I can do anything more than shine out my love and emotions and maybe nod if you ask me a direct question and hug you if that's allowed.  Just know, the deeper you touch my heart, the harder it will be for me to find words to encompass any/everything inside me. Even though usually words are easy for me and I always have far far far too many of them whizzing about. So you're doing good at reaching my heart and the depths in me if I pull an Ariel act on you and suddenly can't hold a conversation to save my life or yours. Sorry. I don't mean to. It's just like all the words have swum away and I can't catch any of them if you touch my heart too deeply.)

P.S. Also. Just to let you know where things are at. My hair IS super curly today and tonight after washing it this morning and with the storms coming in tonight/tomorrow. But it was desperately in need of a wash and SUPER straight (for me) the other day on the 28 or 29 when I wrote that post (now reverted to draft) about all my overthinking and the rationalization I give me for why I didn't even check to see if I could make any of those "driveably close shows" work date wise if I just executive function do the thing fill out the form and see if there's space for me at them. I will talk to Crissy in the next couple days show her the list of dates see if she is free and would be up for going because if she is on the list with me she'll make sure I go and don't adhd or overthink not show up. (which would be probably the worst thing I could do if I'm honest.) Both she and Mikaela DID tell me they would go with me to see anything the guys do solo, especially Eric, as long as it's relatively close and the timing lines up. So I will talk to my birthday twin best friend with a job that is flexible if she needs to take a day or half day off for concerts/theatre wandering with me and make her be my accountability partner to see if I fill out the form is we can make it work getting me to at least one of the shows driveably close. And my definition of driveably close is really quite broad. Is there a road (bridges and ferries count as part of road system) that I can get in a car and drive there with either a place to overnight rest or get home again without having to refuel the car all by myself during rape o'clock when girls go missing even if they're a fighter with a knife on them? Okay then, if I can get there in a car with somewhere safe to overnight or get me back home to not have to refuel during the most dangerous hours to be at petrol stations as a woman by yourself, well then congratulations it's driveably close in my book. 

So unless dates don't work for me at all, I will be the better braver more optimistic trusting versions of me and look into which shows if any are driveably close and we might consider requesting if we can attend AND set my best friend birthday twin chosen family sister-cousin unrelated to me to be my accountability partner and make sure I don't overthink/overfeel my way out of showing up because I'm battling a sudden attack of what ifs and what have beens rather than embracing the possibilities of trying to see the what is.

P.P.S. This was in my facebook thread shared by a random stranger into a group I follow. I love it. And when I saw it, especially with the picture, my heart went, "O that's like coming home" truth hitting me in the pit of stomach deep in the bones truth.

So now it can be there in your heart hitting you in the truth bone. (There isn't a truth bone, but there should be. Three's a funny bone and a sweet tooth and wisdom teeth and when we intuitively KNOW things we say we know it in the marrow of our bones. So there should be a "feel it in the truth bone" as a colloquial thing we say.)

Also. There was this poem along with an image that is either red riding hood and the wolf or a woman holding a thread with a bear outline behind her and it was shared by The Cosmic Dancer and this one I DID share to my own page.

" The Way It Is

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.

~ William Stafford"

 And I read it and instantly  went, "O this!!! THIS THIS THIS!!!! This is the way it is with the bond!" It's like the idea of the Chinese/Vietnamese/Korean/Japanese myth of the Red Thread of Fate between two souls bound to each other by destiny across all the fatelines and social bounds. It's like the Rumi quote I love, but a little more literal imagery. I've always loved the stories and the IDEA of the Red Thread of Fate that binds "two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break." It's an image I like to weave through art and the stories I tell, even if it's only in subtle ways like a red ribbon on a wrist or ankle or in the hair....

[Post Title: Lyrics to See You Again by Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth. This is one of my not so guilty guilty pleasure songs  of the last decade or so even though the context of it hurts my heart and the video makes me cry. And like, I only saw the first three fast and Furious movies wasn't a huge fan of him as an actor but the tribute and love from his fellow actors and everyone who loved him or worked with him gutted me for their loss because it was so genuine and raw in them all. It was really the introduction to Charlie Puth's music for me even though the video is hard to watch given the context of the song. but from the first time I heard the piano and Charlie Puth singing that chorus, it made me tear up and lose words just go, "o that's so beautiful" echoing in my heart space every time I heard the chorus. It got very hard for me to hear it without crying though in the months following my Audrey Pupburn's death last January, but I can listen to it now as a beautiful promise not a painful stab to the heart. And I just love that chorus and the bridge of this songin it.... I just do. It's such a beautiful promise even through the absence. even the longest absences.]

 So as a kitchen witch, I generally cook my mood -- I don't often use recipes most of the time, just a lot of how/why lessons from cooking with elders specializing in all different cuisines for my frameworks, knowing basic techniques and flavor profiles, my intuition, and all my senses but most especially smell. Almost always when I cook, the longer I spend sautéeing or letting something simmer, the more insanely it multiplies from the small amount of food I started with to finished product. It can be pretty insane to people the first time they encounter it but after they get used to it they just laugh that I manage to shoestring a handful of veggies and some protein and rice into enough meals to feed a band or a very small army. I also very much loathe food waste, though I do recognize sometimes it can't be helped if things spoil unexpectedly fast or get forgotten, so my fridge tends to be feast to famine unless I am shopping for other people because of my "find creative ways to use up all the perishable things you have so they don't spoil and THEN you're allowed to go to market or grocery shopping again" mentality (unless you need to go shopping for whatever is in your head to make a meal use up what needs to be used up.) 

I also very much have the opinion that you should always prep 2-3 times more veggies that are delicious raw than you expect to end up in the finished recipe because you're allowed to snack on all the raw veggies you want at any time, including while in the kitchen cooking.  (This does NOT apply to avocados, brined or pickled veggies, processed veggie snacks, or any sort of sauce or seasoning on your veggies -- JUST healthy washed raw veggies. You are allowed to snack on fresh fruits while cooking, especially if they're short seasonal and then you can feast on them while in the kitchen because they have a limited window of fresh seasonality, but fruits require you be mindful how much you eat at a time because of the sugars:fiber ratios and fructose spikes. You can snack on small amounts of cheese or nuts or bread or other processed items going into the meal but need to do so mindfully if you start in on it. If you are baking, you are allowed to eat as much excess dough/batter/frosting/chips as you have that won't make it to fit in the pan. I don't make that rule, inner child does.) Once it's in the pan to cook with oils or sauces and spices, you can only sample if you're testing close to done so it doesn't over cook or if you're uncertain you have exactly the flavors you wanted. It might be I allow this rule because I genuinely LIKE veggies and eat a LOT of raw veggies even things like kale or lettuce as snacks which really started when we were in high school my sister nicknamed me moon rabbit from the Chinese myth because somehow I reminded her of the mythical moon rabbit when she was first year studying Chinese. But mostly, it's because part of my general food philosophy for kids and adults alike is that if it's a raw veggie other than avocado, go ahead and eat it to your heart and tummy's content, even if it means chopping up more to actually go in the meal that's being cooked. You can't really ruin your appetite over snacking on raw veggies because of the amount of nutrients and fiber that you're getting from the raw veggies and if you're intensely craving veggies, listen to your body to give it what it tells you it needs. This is just a raw veggies snacking policy though, not an all snacks or processed/flavored veggies policy.

 But anyway. My cooking always ALWAYS tastes of my mood while I was cooking it. If I'm singing and/or dancing while in the kitchen, you can expect it to be one of the most amazingly delicious things you will ever eat in your entire life and that I can never repeat it no matter how many times I make the same basic "recipe" with everything the same and that there will be an absolutely excessive amount of prepared food even if I started off with very little to put into it. If I am sad inside or mourning, even if not actively crying and if I add no salt or liquids whatsoever, everything will taste super salty and rather unexpectedly soggy. If I'm angry or irritated, do not let me any damn where near a kitchen, not even to boil water for tea or coffee to try to calm me down because I will somehow accidentally light things on fire or burn whatever I try to cook or break glasses/dishware... I have literally set bags of popcorn alight in the microwave trying to make microwave popcorn when angry and melted pots and kettles trying to boil water for tea or hard boiling eggs while in a mood because it was all I felt that I could be trusted to do until I calmed down. Just, if I'm in a foul mood, somebody else make me tea and cook the meal or order take out or decide we're going to a restaurant -- because ain't nobody gonna want to eat anything that gets cooked up by yours truly when she's angry..... Just trust me on this. 

This morning for brekkie, I managed to outdo myself and honestly it may be one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten! (And yes I was dancing while cooking it.) and not because I was super hungry, just because it was legit that deliciously balanced. I could have stretched it further into two meals by making sticky rice and really going Asian fusion, but I didn't realize it would be good with rice until too late. 

So I was using up my last two eggs and some pre sliced raw cabbage/carrot slaw mix as my starting place. (My parents order a lot of meals from like Every Plate and Home Chef and the like delivery services and always remind me that I had the idea for that in college but the infrastructure didn't exist for it at that point. Anyway, whenever anything they order comes with veggies they don't particularly like or my da won't eat, my mum offers them to me knowing I'm part rabbit in my food habits and abhor food waste. So I end up working with a lot of gifted carrots, green beans, potatoes, cabbage, poblano peppers, and brussel sprouts from their boxes. My da also doesn't eat rice except in sushi rolls, so my mum brings me the rice packets into work so I always have something I can cook up quickly while working even if it's only seasoned rice with soy sauce.)

So I was starting with last two eggs remaining from the dozen in the fridge and the cabbage mix. So I'm contemplating what to make while getting the coffee beans ground and the kettle on, I started considering what I wanted to do with that starting point (given at least one of the eggs would be over easy because my now 15 year old cat only likes runny yolk whereas my almost 4 year old dog like runny yolk and cooked whites and so I always share at least one over easy egg in whole or part with the fur babies on their own separate plates when I'm cooking up anything with eggs.) I decided that I would extend the protein by using up my last frozen chicken sausage patty and the cabbage would be best with cooked onion and to slice up an extra carrot since the mix didn't have much (and for me to munch on carrot while cooking.) So while dicing up the garlic to cook first I landed on my general plan. (Often for breakfast and at other meals, I make what I call garlic chips at the start to keep me from cooking while hangry and to infuse garlic flavor from the start without accidentally burning it in whatever I'm making. You can always add more garlic later, but this process provides me a tasty snack AND infuses garlic into the lipids right from the start without burning it. Basically, you chop the garlic up really fine then heat up olive oil at like 3.5-4 medium-low setting and then fry up the garlic til lightly browned crispy on the outside but not burned. Then you remove the garlic chips to a plate and sprinkle with a large grain sea or Himalayan or Kosher salt and use the garlic infused olive oil along with more olive oil or butter in whatever you're cooking. Garlic chips ARE delicious for finishing on top of just about anything you might cook or make, including avocado toast but my hands get tacky from garlic juice and I tend to get bored after finely chopping up like 2 cloves or so and thus almost never cut up enough garlic ahead of time to be able to save some out for garnish unless the dish requires garlic in it as well.) 

Anyway. Today it was garlic chips oil then added butter to brown the onions then added the remaining carrot pieces I hadn't munched and after they softened up added the cabbage which I let all cook and tossed a little bit before adding three small takeout packets of soy sauce then some Vulcan's Fire Salt and then some bourbon barrel aged maple syrup and a small amount of gochujan dried peppers. So a fusion of glazed carrots meets Asian fried rice vibe with the veggies flavor. Then cooked up the chicken sausage patty in the remaining liquid from the veggies so it got all the delicious flavors. And then added a small amount of butter and a small amount of olive oil to fry up the two eggs, saving the thinner crisping egg whites to the side for the dog and cutting into the second yolk over their plates so they each got some. 

Anyway. It turned out amazing, gonna keep that sauce combo in my back pocket for veggies and also fried rice in the future! I've done the butter-olive oil (or sesame oil) to start then soy sauce with maple syrup to finish before, but this is the first time I've added the Vulcan's Fire Salt into the mix and it was the spicy salty slight acidity pop to perfect that combo. 

So apparently that's my mood this morning, complex but balanced nutritionally dense with a healthy mix of a little umami, a little sweet, a little spicy, a little salty, a little unexpected citrusy brightness. 

I'm very happy full now, though a little chilled because I have windows/balcony door open to the Spring air and right now all the blood is in my tummy digesting (ever since I was little I get chilled after eating especially if I eat proteins; it can be 100+F 100% humidity sitting in the sun and I will get goosebumps from a light breeze while all the blood is rushed to the stomach for digesting; this means I almost always carry an extra layer when I go to restaurants and get very snuggly or need a blanket after eating, especially after eating proteins; I also cannot even fathom the concept of meat sweats tbh.) and so even though my hair is FINALLY dry after washing it to do more than take her out quickly, the dog is passed out refuses to go on a walk right now after her scraps followed by her bowl of kibble. So I'm going to curl up with a blanket and drink my coffee and read my books and we will all keep listening to George Winston with the windows/balcony door open to the sunshine and choke cherry tree blossoms. And if the coffee and sleeping fur babies make me too sleepy for reading, well, naptimes happen. Especially since I didn't really sleep much last night because I stayed up reading then was wide awake at predawn so got up and showered before sunrise. And anyway, I don't actually have any strict timeline have tos today until whenever my da and Uncle Jeff are coming over and I was told mid to late afternoon for that but it will be a "they get here when they get here" type thing. If the coffee makes me so sleepy I feel like it, there's still time enough for a little nap and taking Waffles for walkies before they come to help me flip the hinges to the other side on my fridge/freezer.

Pupdate: my maman ended up calling me around 1 to see if I wanted to bring Waffles to join them and Sophie for lunch at Nitty Gritty down the street from me and then they could take the dog to work so she won't get too barky at my uncle arriving to help flip the hinges on the fridge. So we went and Waffles went from too sleepy to get up to do anything to so excited for burgers that I couldn't even get her to pee or anything before heading over there. O well, she peed at least in the grass by the parking lot and it was good to catch up over a meal with my parents and Waffles and I should have plenty more walks in our future and the dogs were both very well behaved and happy for sunny warm patio lunch weather!!