The bond is really strong and flooded with love from him again right now. It isn't always. but right now it is. It's like there's the normal level, and then sometimes it's just like high tide flood of love. That's how it is right now. It was last night as well (despite my overthinking and need to find the words to describe how/why I was reading him and reacting to him in the ways I am at this time) and it was the night before that when I slept and spent time cuddling with my dog and my cat.

I have no idea why. I only know is. 

And what I know about "is" right now is that there's an absolute flood of love and affection and need and... pulling the bond tighter to him claiming it as his own... right now that wasn't there earlier today or even earlier tonight. And it's strong and heady but not like you could drown it the way sadness or intense negative emotions can feel. This is a joyous sort of lifting full of bubbles of light feeling to it, you just float on the surface of its effervescence lighting you up as it carries you along with it.

And I don't know why it is that way right now. But I'm going to turn into it and let it carry me along on it right now. Because I'd rather embrace it accept it for however long I have it flooding into me than try to deny it or live without it pouring into my third eye flooding me full of love and light. Even if I can't even begin to guess at the why of it.

 Do I like these conclusions? No

Do I want to accept these conclusions? No

Do my likes or desires affect the truths of what has happened so far? No

Do I hate this lens as a way of understanding his words and actions? Yes

Do I accept it anyway? Yes

Is this fair to me? No

Is this fair to him? No 

Does it get me anything I desire for my own soul's sake? No

 Are the boundaries that defined and created this lens ones I created? No

So do I have any right to destroy or alter these boundaries that aren't mine? No

Is there a more ethical way for me to navigate these boundaries others created that separate him from me? Not that I have found. If I found a more ethical/fair way to navigate this, I would already have taken it

*shrugs* Find me a better way and I'll take it. But I've tried and I've tried and I've tried and this is the best I have found to understand what has happened and the way things are now. Thus far, for now, this is the best route I can find for me to ethically navigate this situation and the boundaries that others created and currently separate us.

Until there's a better way through, I accept this as the best I can do with what is at my disposal given the way things are. I accept it without any bitterness or anger or expectations of change. I simply accept it as how it is due to the choices that have been made to arrive at this impasse.

And if you ever ask me to choose between what I want and the right thing to do, I will always choose the right thing to do. Every damn time. You don't have to like it, I don't have to like it -- but at the end of the day I have to be able to clear eyed look myself in the eyes in the mirror with a clean conscience. I am not in this incarnation capable of knowingly doing something I consider unethical or unfair. I can do things others find immoral or unethical and I can say "fuck your attempts to socially manipulate me tell me what to do" but I can never sit long in even considering acting in ways that I personally consider crossing ethical lines. (Chaotic good, always.) Nobody can make me feel shame no matter what they try to do to me to force conformity to their standards but I can make me feel a guilt so intense that I can do nothing until I atone and make right what I think I have done wrong. I do not have externally mediated morality but I do have internally mediated ethics. And my ethics are constrained by truth, justice, empathy, beauty, and the sanctity of free will. Always.

As long as these boundaries that were created in Oct 2018 exist, don't expect of me to ever cross them or to explore possibilities outside the lens that respects them as choices made in free will for him, in his name, and by him. Not in this lifetime. It doesn't matter how much I hate the boundaries and the lens they form for me to view his words and actions, they're not my boundaries and to act in selfish ways that ignore them is to do wrong by the free will of others.

Do I think that any of this matters to him? Honestly no. I could be wrong, I could be misreading and misunderstanding... And the eternal optimist in me hopes that I am. But the realist in me recognizes that from the information at my disposal, no I don't think any of this matters to him.

Do I think that any of this matters to anyone involved in creating or maintaining the boundaries that created this situation? Again no.

Does it still matter to me? Yes. Very much still.

But I'm working on trying to let go of it mattering to me when it so clearly doesn't matter to anyone who has any ability to alter the boundaries and thus change or heal this situation. So I'm working on accepting his choices and teaching me not to care, not letting it matter to me how far this path is from anything I ever wanted or saw before his sister's choices on October28, 2018 created boundaries that separated him from me and destroyed all those potential fate lines of reunion that had previously existed between him and me.

 I know I have brought this up before, that since October 2018 I have worked to make me let go of any expectation of having Eric in my life this lifetime following the decisions his sister made on her own account and in the entire band's name because I didn't see how I could have any place in his life following that and that since August 2019 I have treated his choices to support the choices made in the band's name as indicative that me not being in his life is what he desires for himself this life. Rightly or wrongly, these are the premises that I have been building on since August 2019 both within myself forcing me to let him go so he can be free to pursue whatever it is he DOES actually desire in his life and as the lens through which I have interpreted all news and creations and words that have managed to reach me from him.  At every step of the way since August 2019, I have viewed and heard the assumption that there is no place for me in his life path this life and that I am no part of what he desires for himself this life as the undercurrent and basic premise from which to understand him.  I do not claim that this was any intention of his nor that it is his truth, I tell you only that it is what I have heard and the lens through which I have interpreted everything he has said and done since August 2019 -- and the lens through which I shall continue to interpret everything he says and does unless he directly contradicts it to tell me I have been mistaken. And as I don't expect that to happen, it is the lens through which everything he says and does is filtered by me. Anything related to the band or that his sister or Liz is involved in is dead to me, dead on arrival, as their boundaries they created and have maintained dictate that they not be visible to me, that I be excluded from anything involving them, that I have no part in them or anything they do, and that they do not desire to exist to me. And everything else in his life that reaches me (primarily via his emails) well, I just assume that they are informative of the life path he is on and that he is seeking to build his life around but that all of it is separate from me because I can have no place in his life or this any role in his desires in this lifetime. It is through that lens that I have understood all his emails thus far -- and it is through that lens that I do not even consider any of his NYC shows as being open to me. It is not a space to which I am invited or wanted and I know that my presence is unwelcome there. If I were to defy that knowledge that the invitation does not extend to me or include me, I know that it is something I shouldn't even consider because all they would do is lead me to further heartbreak and set me back on my course of trying to let him go by accepting that in this lifetime I have no place in his life because that's what he wants. It's hard and it's bitter and I don't like anything at all about it, but I think it the ethically correct thing to do in this situation given all the concrete evidence I have at my disposal tells me that he doesn't care about me and doesn't desire to have me numbered amongst the band's fans or supporters or treated fairly because when it was brought to his attention what had been done in the band's name, he ignored it and continued on with no changes to his actions of going live on the band's instagram accounts and not even any acknowledgement of what I had told him directly about why his actions were unfair and perpetuating a wrong committed in the band's name. Instead, he treated it as if he considered the band's past actions in the right and me not even worth considering or acknowledging. Which is why I took it as my only concrete evidence of his choices and desires and have moved forward based upon that. And it is the lens through which I comprehend everything he says and does, the lens of my own insignificance to him and his wish to not have me in any fashion a part of his life or numbered among their fans or supporters. (And that applies to everything created as a part of the band's collective or involving his sister or Liz. Including the musical that he is pouring everything into at this time -- as far as I am concerned, that musical is already dead on arrival before hearing any songs or knowing anything further about it and I would never listen to it or go see it because of Britt's inclusion in the writing of it and her desire to not exist to me and my respect of the boundaries she created. As far as I am concerned, the musical is dead and is less than dust and will never be more than that to me under the current parameters and boundaries of other people's choices. I hope for his sake it is a success to the rest of the world and brings to him all that he desires for it to bring into his life -- but as far as I am concerned it will get nowhere with me and is already dead to me before it is even finished.)

I do not say this from any place of malice -- I wish for only the best for him and everything he is involved with even while accepting that I have no place in it and that it's not meant for me. I do not say it from a spirit of blame -- nobody is at fault that things unfolded this way, we're here now and blame doesn't change where we are or that things can't/won't improve in the future without changing/fixing the missteps of the past/present. I do not say it from a place of rejection within me -- if there was a way to reunion with him I would take it but such a path is not currently open to me through any actions or choices of my own so I accept that he must find his own way and that I will create my own life path and seek my own life partners instead of him while that is the truth of his life. Give me even the shadow of a chance and I'll fucking choose him. Every fucking time. but that's not how things are at this time in this lifetime. It's not what his actions show he wants. 

I tell myself that this is harder on me than him, because after all he is a man who has never lacked for other options nor shied away from pursuing other women. And somehow that makes it easier for me to accept that there's no place for me in his life, that that's the way he wants it this life, when I assume he'll find someone else who suits his desires for himself this lifetime. It may be a lie I tell myself....but it's a lie that helps me keep moving forward down this path that is the only one I've precogged regarding him since Oct 28, 2018.

I say it as the reminder that this forced acceptance that there is no place for me in his life and I am neither wanted nor included in his life even as a fan or supporter is the lens through which I perceive and comprehend everything from him now. Same as I have since August 2019. And that whatever he says and however he intends it to be understood, I have been interpreting all of it through the lens of the boundaries his sister created in the entire band's name in October 2018 and that he himself supported in August 2019. That hasn't changed and that's not going to change from my side because the boundaries were never created by me nor supported by me, I just respect them as not being mine but indicative of what the other person(s) desire from me. I don't know what the relationship he's looking for is or how he's going to bring it into his life -- but at this time I do not see me as having any part of it since there's no place for me in his life or anything he is working at creating with the band or his sister involved due to the boundaries created in October 2018. It is through this lens that I understand anything and everything said directly or any potential implicit between the lines. It's the only way I can comprehend it while these boundaries exist and create/maintain this barrier that keeps me from believing I could belong in any capacity within his life.

It's been on my mind last night and this morning that I should reiterate that and give the reminder that this is the lens through which I understand everything from him at this time, same as I have since August 2019. Anything that falls through the cracks and the blind spots of this lens are messages that simply don't reach me at all. Not while this lens defines my understanding of everything related to him, his desires, and his chosen life path. I may be wrong and I may be missing a helluva lot of what he's been trying to say, but this is the lens that defines how I can understand anything form him at this time. And as long as the lens exists and is defined by the boundaries imposed upon it, this is the frame within which you should expect me to have all my comprehension of his words.  Because it's the last concrete thing he ever gave to me, personally, was his affirmation and support of the boundaries and everything they stand for. So it defines the lens through which I understand everything he says and does. Ever since August 2019. And ain't nothing going to alter that or shatter that lens except a direct action or words from him making it clear that it is untrue. Do not expect me to look for meanings in anything he says that lie outside the framework his past (in)actions created, because those are the boundaries I was given of my understanding of what defines his choices, his words, and his actions, and what he is seeking for his own life path in this lifetime.

I don't ask you to like it, hell I don't like it myself. I just wish to be honest and clear about the reality of where we are now and how things are with me and level set the expectations of the boundaries within which I interpret all his words and deeds at this time. I'm not saying it can't be changed, though I am saying it would take an act of deliberate choice and will to change it; I'm just saying it's how it's been from my perspective these last several years and it's how it remains at this juncture. It's the lens that defines for me my understanding of everything that he says or does that still reaches me. 

Now. the sun is up so the dog and I are heading home to spend some more time with my lonely needy kittenface Spock. I'll be back at work by lunch time though --Mikaela will be in after her morning doctor's appointment and the 16 year old in my life dmed me while I was in Kirkland that she missed me terribly and so I promised her some Dani time once I got back.  She'll also be free on Monday since she's off school and will be either dropped off at my apartment or I'll come hang out with her at mcw. (My grandma's podiatry appointment is Tues afternoon. So that's no conflict at all.) *shrugs* She told me directly that she missed me and wanted to see me so I promised to make it a priority at the first opportunity available to me -- it's really that simple and straightforward to get me to give you my time and affection and to have me create opportunities to be with you. You just need to tell me directly that's what you want. Somehow, children are always way better at understanding that than adults. or maybe they just lack the social conditioning that tells them to hide their enthusiasm and their vocalization of what they miss and desire to have once more in their lives. Either way, tomorrow Mikaela gets at least half the day with me clawed from the clutches of the needy cat's snuggles.

 Currently sitting at the gate in Minneapolis airport, impatiently waiting to board my flight home to Madison... It literally beging boarding in 3mins now.. Here's some airplane and airport selfies: 

Why am I impatient? My hands burns itchy abominably....

So I have extraordinarily sensitive skin and get allergic contact dermatitis from petroleum derived products (including synthetic fibers), palm oil, coconut oil, and synthetic perfumes (many of which also give me instant headaches sometimes trigger full migraines.) This makes soaps tricky for me because unless they're Castille soap or glycerin soap, there's an extraordinarily high probability of the backs of my hands breaking out into severe rashes sometimes hives and they itch horribly -+ and you can quite literally see the color demarcation at my wrists for where the soaps didn't touch. So at my sister's house, all their soaps cause my hand irritation, the one in the master bedroom is the worst (gives me instant headache as well), followed by the main bathroom, and the best is the one in the downstairs bathroom. So most of the time visiting I tried to only use the downstairs bathroom because washing my hands was problematic for me. Only today, I couldn't because they had to run an extension cord for the washer/dryer so the door couldn't be shut. (Monroe was our of clean clothes so they had to do laundry but the electrician didn't get the part and have room in schedule until this Saturday to replace the ungrounded fuse that could cause a fire. So for now that fuse is just turned off for now. Thus the extension cord.) So I had to use the upstairs bathrooms all day. And my hands are absolutely in a state right now.... 

Airport soaps definitely making it worse.  And the only lotion I have with me is a sample size of one that can irritate my hands but doesn't always but right now..... I used up all the lotion that I had packed that helps before my flight. And I have found nowhere selling anything I can use that would help rather than make it worse.... And insult to injury, I walked right past an Aveda store (their hand cream is one I can use) but it doesn't open until 9am and my flight departure time is 9:05.... I would give just about anything right now for some olive oil..... (Extra virgin olive oil and beeswax work best for my skin as a moisture. Butter also works surprisingly well, but then my hands smell of butter....) 

I cannot wait to get home and to slather my itching burning hands in olive oil and then immediately go collapse into bed with my dog and my cat.... (Past the 24hrs mark of being awake.) But mostly, I just want to help my poor hands.... They're so miserable and it's the early stage of contact dermatitis where they continuously get worse before they get better....

 On the scale from 1 to Welcome to Life in Daniland.... 

Also though.... Unless you're getting a cold brew, who only puts 2 shots of espresso in a venti?!?! 

(I was dropped off after the kids were told by Alexa it was bedtime so they got in their pyjamas and brushed their teeth for a pyjama party car ride to the airport. Which means I got dropped off 4 hours before my plane even begins boarding, 4h45m before my departure. My flight to Minneapolis isn't even on the screen yet, it's currently a flight to New York at my gate, lol. Luckily I have nearly a dozen books on my person between my purse and my laptop bag - the rest are all stuffed in my 48lb suitcase that I checked. It's only 27lbs with no books at all in it. Whoops! Sorry but not sorry. Not sorry at all, lol.)

Okay. I'm going to find a quieter spot in terminal a to puts around on my phone for a bit wrapping up text convos with my sister and my bff then go back to re-reading some more Fellowship of the Ring until boarding time at midnight.  Don't worry though - I've got Two Towers AND Return of the King with me if I finish it. I reread The Hobbit on my flight out here and I'm rereading all 4 of them all for the "I don't know many-th but I read them the first time in the third grade." As well as many other reading options, lol. I'll start in on rereading the Silmarillion for my third time after I'm home again. And then all my volumes of unfinished tales from Tolkien - I should double check if I'm missing any and order them in so I can read through alll of them finally.

 Sadly, no Beau Soleil concert for me April 20... Last week Michael Doucette (Cajun fiddle player) broke his hip while in Alaska and it's confirmed now that the show at Stoughton Opera House is among the tbd rescheduled shows. The email about it just came in this afternoon. Which means now I have like one day of my grandma having an appointment next Monday or Tuesday and then nothing scheduled or have tos in my calendar until the end of month deposit on the 29th and on the 30th my parents are driving out to the Montana cabin and thence Seattle area on the morning of the 30th. (They will not be taking their dog Sophie with as my sister does not like dogs so two dogs is twice too many for her and Waffles has never been socialized with other dogs at all so she gets territorial....so while they're gone out west I'll have both dogs and two homes to split my time between. And I doubt Spock and Sophie would get along so not planning to bring her to my place.) 

I hope the show gets rescheduled.... Beau Soleil is retiring and this is their farewell tour so I was super excited to see them one last time..... But also, broken hip is a broken hip. And touring with a broken hip would be fucking miserable -- especially when you're as old as Michael Doucette is.... 

Back to reading and tea drinking for now. Also  socializing with my sister whenever she's not in meetings, but she has meetings scheduled from 2-3 and some emails to familiarize herself with beforehand (Jon has lots of small meetings all day today) so currently it's just me and my book and my tea and their dog Waffles hanging out asleep on my feet. Everything is packed up except my tea and my current book I'm reading and my phone. Kids are both at in person school and we just finished lunch with Miche and Jon (we had chirashi bowls) and so have spent today just chilling with my sister and brother-in-law both working from home and their dog and their cat while the kids are not claiming me for themselves. Later the kids will be dropped off at home after school and steal me (in their minds liberate me) from "boring adult talk" until dinner time.

 This afternoon/evening I have had 3 different Yogi tea bags of very different types have the tea tag message, "Give love, get love." First my Sweet Tangerine Positive Energy, second my Echinacea Immune Support, and just now my Tulsi Berry Immune Support tea I just poured myself as one of my TV time teas. (I don't particularly like the Tulsi Berry tea, but I still have to finish it and berry is less offensive to my sister's sense of smell than mint or herbaceous or black tea or especially rooibos. Both my sister and her husband find the smell of rooibos nauseating. Also the doubling of immune support teas tonight isn't about my concerns about COVID risk from either of the kids being at in person school or any desire to boost my immune system before flying home, it's about those flavors of teas appealing to me when choosing the types of tea I was making next. All Yogi teas are blended for herbal easing of "medicinal" needs but I tend to choose the ones I have for their flavors or to try new to me flavors rather than what they're formulated to help.) 

Feels like an important message to show up so much. (Despite what my book on probability has had to say about statistical randomness and probability in a finite set of possibilities.) Still unusual to have 3 of 3 be the identical tea tag message. We'll see if I choose the Yogi bedtime tea as one of my chamomile teas and if the tea tag is the message "Give love, get love." 

Back to post kids bedtime news hour and random chatting with Miche and Jon.

P. S. 11pm PST addendum: 

No 4th round of "Give love, get love" tea tags tonight. This Yogi Bedtime tea tag says, "Love yourself so that you may know how to live with self-respect." Also, we managed to finish all 3 shows (We Are The Champions, Is It Cake?, and Making Fun; finished in that order) tonight in just the perfect allotment of timing on my visit. Which would surprise me less if my sister wasn't so good at precision timing of everything.... I got all the ADHD chaos muppet no sense of time flow and minimal executive function -- she has absolutely no ADHD symptoms or quirks and excels specifically at precision clockwork timing and high executive function. 

*yawns*

Okay. Prepacking/repacking organizing and checking in for my flight and some reading before bedtime. Technically, my flight doesn't leave until like 24hrs from now, but likely we'll do dinner and do the pajamas and teeth brushing part of the bedtime routine for the kids then drop me off at the airport incredibly early so everyone can say proper goodbyes and I'll hang out at SeaTac drinking coffee and reading Lord of the Rings trilogy until my flight boards. Then I get home at like 10am unless there are unexpected changes from the airlines (delays beyond weather aren't an active concern for me given I have a 3hr layover in Minneapolis as the other option was a 28min layover to deplane, get to the other gate, and board the second plane)

My sister has already been lobbying since Saturday asking when I'm coming back and both my nephew Jack and my niece Monroe have been asking when it will be.... Jack's vote is between my birthday and his (start of October and end of October) and Mo's vote was Friday. 🥰 September/October seems reasonable for new baby in July adjustments and whenever Jon's new car with more seats arrives.

 So for one of the first times ever in the 14 years of them being together and 11 years they've been married, my book habit choices finally piqued the curiosity of both my sister and Jon. (Neither of whom read anything but tech and news articles.)  My sister asked, "So how does randomness rule our lives?" and I told her that so far it has some basic statistics analysis techniques, explanations as to why most people suck at probability and risk assessment, and the history/biography of the developmental of probability statistics. And then we talked a bit on this subject and agreed it would be basic for her so far. (my sister is a math geek genius extraordinaire - I was always an A/B student in math due to never checking my work for stupid errors and stopped after second year calculus whereas my sister aced geometry and algebra 2 in middle school, calculus 1 in freshman year of high school, calculus 2 in sophomore year high school, then went to UW her junior and senior years for upper level math and statistics coursework. Madison school district will pay for any kid to take university courses for college credit in any subject they choose if they excel beyond the available AP courses and electives within the district. So I took college drama and art classes in high school and my sister took college calculus and statistics classes. While both having full loads of AP courses. We're both too intelligent for our own good and intensely curious, though in very different ways on very different subjects.). She did tell me to keep her updated if there's any chapters she might find interesting without reading the things she already knows. Which is a first for her. 

This evening, Jon expressed interest in one of my new books I bought, The Atlas of Extinct Countries and then asked if he could look at it. Of course I told him yes and he thought it looked interesting enough and entertaining enough writing style to see if their library has it. They did and he was able to rent the ebook version until May and has already read the first couple chapters on his old kindle during news time. He read to us some of the choice line and paragraphs and then said I'd been right suggesting he could easily pick it up and put it down between chapters because there are 49 chapters in under 300 pages, each on a different historical extinct country.

During news time, my sister told me random corny jokes. Mostly puns, but also just really bad jokes. As in, my favorite was: What's a beehive with no exits? un-bee-leave-able. that level corny Laffy Taffy style jokes.  She likes to make me laugh because it reminds her of when we were kids and she knows it's my emotional reset switch sets me back to happy sunshiny bright normal me if you can get me to laugh. So a large part of our relationship is now her doing random funny things to make me laugh. She is particularly pleased when she can me me start laughing uncontrollably until I'm quite literally crying with laughter and then my laugh attack gets her laughing uncontrollably as well which feedback loops my laugh attack and Jon will just walk in to a room with us laughing uncontrollably like small children and ask her, "What did you do? You broke Dani again." She managed to do this between Making Fun and Is It Cake while Jon was in the bathroom and he asked what was so funny and eventually I managed to state, "she said 'WHAT?!'" and then after I used the opportunity for bathroom break, I asked him if he wanted it explained and after I did, he said "Okay.... Maybe you had to be there." and my sister said, "WHAT?!" in the same old person impression and I just lost it in a giggle fit which started her going again until she finally got up to bathroom break as well. Honestly  If you can make me laugh until I have to collapse onto a chair or the floor or until I'm crying or laugh so long and hard that my abs ache afterward, you can get me to forgive pretty much anything and only have to deal with me at my factor defaults shiniest cheerful solution seeking version of me.  It's an important life hack when dealing me, get me to laugh and you flip my emotional reset switch. Every time. Especially when you get me laughing uncontrollably.) 

So yay for spreading book recommendations to non-bibliophiles!!! And for me laughing uncontrollably because of my sister saying, "WHAT?!" repeatedly. 😂 

Also. It mixed precipitation snow/grapple this afternoon and my sister was the first to notice and turning to me said, "What's this?! I specifically asked you not to bring any of that winter stuff here, Elsa!" then teased me about it until it returned to rain.  Given Monroe's complete adoration of Frozen and especially Elsa, this did nothing to abate her three year old's hero worship of me and she kept jumping up and down squeeing, "Elsa Elsa! You made it snow Aunt Dani Elsa!!" For the entire time except while we were all actively eating lunch. She goes back and forth between whether I'm Anna or Elsa. It's quite adorable. "But, but. You look and act like Anna. But but, you're magical like Elsa." I tell her that I will be the Elsa to her Anna or the Anna to her Elsa, whichever one she's wanting to be right then. Which makes her happy and hug me and then declare which she is. Sometimes, three year olds are so easy to please, lol.

Bonne nuit maintenant ! A bientôt !

 A couple things on my mind before going back to finishing this chapter from The Drunkard's Walk: How Randomness Rules Our Lives by Leonard Mlodinow:

1) By Viking braids, I mean Viking/Elvish style of one central French braid of the top half the hair that's like a mohawk and then a small French braid on either side around the ears and the bottom half of the hair layers remains down. Monroe calls it "three Anna braids" because she's obsessed with Frozen. But to most people, Viking braids most easily makes sense of it. I'd take pictures but I've already taken mine out. (While Monroe has me do her hair every morning, anything with braids she likes me to do in my own hair as well, especially the "three Anna braids" Viking style. I actually really like the central mohawk braid and the small side braids and it's fairly quick to do on my own head so I'll be keeping it in my hairstyle repertoire.) I like braiding hair, I find it relaxing, and I'm the oldest of a LOT of female cousins so I have a lot of practice at it.

2) Silence as kindness isn't just an indictment of a particular creative work from me.... It's also an opinion/judgement about the emotional stability of the other person. You see, I don't knowingly speak a lie. This goes back to when I was in 4th grade and had the realization that I was such a convincing liar that nobody could tell the difference BUT if circumstances brought the truth to light later it always hurt the other person and made them trust me less. So I realized that lies always cause more pain in the end after discovery than just saying a hard truth straight out and also that truth/belief/faith in the words of another person is a very basic foundation cornerstone to any meaningful relationship because the moment someone feels they can't trust your integrity, they lose trust for you and without trust there is no real friendship of any sort. It was my first real philosophical epiphany and existential crisis but I walked away from it with a deep seated belief that nothing real can ever exist between two people without honest truth speaking as a foundational faith in each other - and that if I wanted anything real, it was for me to consciously choose to only speak/write truths in communication. When I was in 9th grade, I came to the realization that all intentional lies were acts of deliberate cruelty and gaslighting by trying to undermine the other person's sense of reality and replacing it with the falsehoods you feed them. And that O had a visceral ick reaction to which shore up my ethics of only knowingly speaking truth and to acknowledge immediately any accidental mistruths. So I don't knowingly speak lies and if I discover that I accidentally spoke an untruth I acknowledge it and apologize as soon as I realize. I do not ask or expect others to adhere to this, it is after all my personal ethics that make lies vs honesty a trust building issue, but at a deep core level I react to those who seek to hide/bury truths or who lie with distrust and as perpetrators of acts of intentional cruelty. if you want me to have faith in you and your integrity always give me truth even if it's a hard truth or one you don't think I want to hear.

Now, my rules about personal truth telling are rather fae and I will admit to changing the subject, saying only parts of truths, and saying true things that I expect other people to understand different than a literal truth - always pay attention to my exact precise wording and look for the loophole that isn't a lie if you're ever in doubt. Silence is a grey area because it is so often filled with the other person's assumption and it's incredibly easy to lie by omission.... So with people who I respect and whose emotional stability is mature enough to handle hard truths, my policy is always truth speaking rather than the cruelty of a lie by omission. For those with fragile egos and who are emotionally to immature to handle any form of criticism/disagreement, I will choose the kindness of a lie of omission because I think them too weak to be able to handle hard truths. A kindness by the silence of a lie of omission is, from me, a confession that I see you as mentally/emotionally weak.... It just is. If your ego and defensiveness and emotional fragility require pretty lies rather than hard truths, you may get my silence as a tactful kindness but it will also always mean that I don't respect you and think you too weak to be treated as an emotionally mature intellectual equal. 

As for Dave.... I told him via dm when he one time had Siobhan on a live stream that I was happy he found someone he loves who makes him light up so, but that to my personal color-timbre synesthesia (which I can't alter as it's just how I experience timbre resonance) her voice is not an appealing color and it doesn't blend well with his voice color so anything he ever performed or recorded with her vocals on it would be an instant nope and a skip refusal to listen to it. And then I told him that my aversion isn't about him and it doesn't matter, what matters is his happiness and if she brings him that then I wish them all the best whether I listen to the songs or not.  So he already knows about it, though I didn't go so complete honesty as to describe it as moldy mango colors/textures. Some omissions are just editing out the unimportant and those can be diplomatically removed without misleading someone or giving them false expectations about where you stand or your future (re)actions. So I told him and he thanked me for my honesty and well wishing then asked more about my synesthesia and we're still good no awkwardness around her being important in his life and solo record he's been making during COVID. Thus I accept the choices he made for his artistic vision and creative integrity and I don't need to tell him again that anything with her moldy mango voice on it is painfully unlistenable to me. And Eric's song, one does not tell a mother her baby is ugly or a singer-songwriter you didn't like their song unless they ask your opinion of it and you have warned them not to ask a second time unless they want the full HONEST opinion critique -- and he and I don't have a relationship of honest critique. We genuinely have no communication at all except via the bond and in dream space since the incidents of Oct 28, 2018 and August 31, 2019 after which I cut all social media contact with the band and all members of the collective due to the choices of supporting ostracism and intentional cruelty systems of inequality from the band accounts toward those who spoke any truth the girls didn't want to hear. I didn't unsubscribe my email list or cancel my  Kickstarter or unlike the band on Facebook (though I did change the settings to take them off notifications and to always show at top of my newsfeed) and I did sign up for his email list to keep one line of communication open to them if they ever chose to right the wrong committed, perpetuated, and supported in the name of the band. But those tenuous threads are all that I did not cut -- across all social media platforms to all of the band members. (Except Ian, I think I forgot to stop following him on either insta or Twitter because he never posts so when I was cord cutting, I forgot I followed him.) But anyway, with so many cords cut, I don't have paths of communication to him to entrust hard truth honesty critiques to him, especially not in any sort of private setting, at this time.

*yawns* back to my chamomile tea and my book on the science/math behind probability and the role of randomness in our lives and why people are so bad at understanding these things. 

Also. Completely unrelated to anything but this morning, the love pouring down the bond hit me like a freight train just as I sat down to breakfast. Then again it happened while my sister, brother-in-law, and I were watching our next episode of Making Fun (the Nutcracker of Deaths episode - we have been mixing between Making Fun, We Are the Champions, and Is It Cake? We finished We Are the Champions, so now it's an episode of each of the others after international news hour loops back around and/or gets too heartbreaking depressing) just out of nowhere. And then it just happened right this moment as I was tapping this on my phone (too lazy sleepy to take out my laptop and wait for it to boot atm.) No idea why, but the flood of love is the coziest feels like home fill me up with shiny light and love feeling and makes me want to just snuggle into the bond to get closer to him at the spiritual/psychic/dream state level since I can't do it in person real life due to all the distance that separates us.... 

Yeah. That feeling of light inside me and flood of love down the bond, that's what I want. More than anything else, that's what I choose if you only asked me. And I refuse to settle for a damn thing less! At least, in this life I'd rather be in solitude trying my best to be ace than settle for something less than that feeling of love flooding my consciousness til I'm so full of light it's a miracle my skin doesn't glow! 

 For what it's worth, if you've been feeling some sort of way about my reaction to Eric's demo recording he shared that it was mediocre songwriting and he can do better, at lease I didn't say it was unlistenable. David's first song on his solo album dropped today and it is truly unlistenable and I expect the rest of the album to be as well. Smoke Is Rising doesn't suffer from insipid lyrics, and individually the instrumental layers are beautiful but the production choices are muddy and the levels make the instrumentations mildly discordant, especially as any given instrument goes from background to a solo. Worse yet, he has Siobhan on harmonies during the chorus and even setting aside my issues with her using her music to create hypnotic suggestions to trust her and then her energetically draining people (or something she allows in feeding through her on those who allow her in - I still don't know which it is) the color of her voice's timbre is absolutely disgustingly awful to me. To my color-timbre synesthesia, her voice is exactly the color and texture of moldy mango. And it's a visceral ick to me any time I hear her voice on anything due to the timbre of it and how my brain interprets her timbre as a color.  There is just nothing pleasant whatsoever about moldy mango as an experience..... And then moldy mango with deep indigos and ocean blue vocals (how David's voice is to my synesthesia -- if you were curious, Eric's voice is a luminous golden-white like winter sunlight or the full moon; which is very convenient given that piano to me are the silvery-blues of moonlight on the waves of deep water and thus his voice and the sound of the piano go together to me really beautifully and naturally.) But anyway, Siobhan's voice is moldy mangos and that with deep ocean indigos is NOT a pleasant experience. Viscerally unpleasant don't want to ever listen to that recording again and now very concerned that David's entire solo album will be unlistenable to me.....  Because the inclusion of her moldy mango vocals make the song unlistenable to me. The production issues would make it meh but the use of her vocals makes it utterly awful and unlistenable.... 

So there are far far worse reactions from me than saying a demo recorded on your phone of a song isn't up to your typical songwriting standards. And anyway, while my reactions are mine, it's not like I told either of the men my reactions. I keep my critiques to myself unless people ask me for my reactions/thoughts and then they get complete honesty from me. And I do consider writing it here to be keeping it myself - this is an unlisted blog that I mostly use as a stream of consciousness journal to get emotions/thoughts into a crystalline word form and out of my head where the emotions just swirl and tsunami.

As a general rule with me, silence as a reaction to something a person created/performed rather than excited compliments of what appealed to me is an indictment of a song. If it's not ADHD distraction, then my silence as a reaction is me trying not to be cruel. I may be too polite to say my reaction when it's less than glowing -- but if you ask me and push me for an answer you will always get honesty from me. Me saying nothing is me trying to be kind rather than honest because I don't want to cause hurt to someone. I never stay silent over a beautiful song that makes me happy and that I love listening to, always effusive joy from me if you've done something I enjoy and find brilliant. I'd my words don't speak for me, my huge smile and shining eyes will. And today (and all days moving forward) what David will get from me on this recording with its inclusion of moldy mango is silence and non-reaction. Because I won't knowingly speak a lie, so in this case silence and no reaction is the kindness I can give when my honesty would only be hurtful. Silence is all that I will publicly react to his solo song and video he released today.

But yeah, "you can do better, this is mediocre lazy songwriting with some insipid lyrics" is way better reaction than "the production is muddy and discordant while the inclusion of moldy mango vocal harmonies in the chorus make this track unlistenable to me." (Please don't include moldy fruits vocals in songs. Just. No. I tend to prefer vocals that sound like light or water or velvety like butterfly wings. Moldy mango is none of these things - it's simply a visceral ick.)

Just if there was a need for perspective because my reactions had you feeling some sort of way. I did listen to Eric's song 3 or 4 times before allowing myself my critique of it. I had the hardest time making it through all 3 mins of Dave's song and I made me do it as I knew I would never want to do it again and I should listen to it in entirety at least once, moldy mango harmony vocals and all.... And I'm sure I will listen to Eric's song more in the future. I will never willingly listen to that solo track of Dave's again.  Time to go braid Monroe's hair (she's been very into having me due Viking three braids in her hair) then breakfast time with my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and niece!!! Later gators! 

I saw the email from Eric today. (I mean, he sent it yesterday, but I saw it today.)  I understood the sentiment of what he was saying about relationships, it sounds very much like the reasons I decided to stop casually dating when I can see the end before even beginning (this is a precog problem) and when the other person is more invested than me it becomes unfair to them to let them keep investing in a relationship and I know that it's not what I want. It feels like I'm doing wrong by the other person if my heart isn't fully invested in being with them and I know it isn't the right relationship fit for me long term. So that all made sense and I empathize. 

I listened to the song and I have to say that the song is... Well... I'm not impressed. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have the song and have gotten to hear it, but it's not one I felt impressed by or gave me any wow moment or would even say I particularly liked. I didn't dislike it and I wouldn't turn it off, but I can't say I liked it or would turn it on intentionally. To me, it felt obligatory and uninspired, the melodic line of the chorus was very much a variation of the song he wrote in college which was a better song, the songwriting is predictable and the lyrics are either insipid or trying too hard to be clever and frankly, it's probably the most mediocre song I've ever heard from him. He's a better artist and craftsman than the mediocrity of that new song.... It wasn't bad, but the lyrics had moment of trying too hard to be smart. Mostly it was just meh mediocre and he can definitely do better than that song. And he should know he can write better than that. Because he has. *shrugs* I have never been and never will be one to pull my punches or to lie -- I spent a very long time wanting to be a hand cell animator for Disney until I learned about in betweening and always adored acting so grew up a theatre kid taking university acting classes while in high school so I very much grew up in the tradition of art critiques and drama criticisms to help you improve. If your work isn't particularly good I'll be honest with you about why it isn't but that's also how you know you did a really fucking great job when you get a huge smile and thoughtful excited praise from me. And this was at best a mediocre and insipid song he wrote, no matter how sad he was feeling about endings when he wrote/recorded it. I have faith in him he can do better than that song, though perhaps he can't under the current influences he has allowed to define his life. But he can do better, and whenever he is ready he will.

 Speaking of craftsmanship though! Have you watched Making Fun on Netflix?! It's one of the 3 shows we've been watching during adults Netflix time after Jack and Monroe go to bed. Making FUn is so delightful!!! It's about the grinchiest curmudgeon who used to be a toymaker inventor in NYC before realizing he hates big cities and kids so he bought a place upstate and has a shed full of every possible tool for building things. The whole premise is that he and his team of 4 makers do zoom interviews with kids for inventions/toys they want to see made real and then they build whichever one appeals to them most then have the test/game with the kids able to watch it all at the end. It's brilliant and I adore it!!!! It's definitely in the same sort of genre as Carver Kings which we watched on one of my visits a couple years ago which is a group of Canadian chainsaw carvers making woodwork chainsaw art carvings for people's commissions. Making Fun. If you haven't looked it up and you enjoy woodworking/inventing/making and kids crazy ideas and watching people get tat spark of creative ideation, go and watch it!!! It's fantastic!!!!

Anyway. to play catch up about my day as long as I'm here drinking my chamomile blend herbal tea before curling up to read a bit before light out. I had an absolutely delightful day of snuggling with the purring kittehs while reading then wandering with Cath Cath today. I met a juvenile hummingbird while sitting with the pansies at breakfast in the patio area of the PCC by her apartment, just came by to sit high and it sat on my finger even though I had nothing to offer it except my presence and delight and love -- Cathy didn't see it until I laughed and said, "Why hello my little sweet friend, I love that particular viola too!" And then she glanced up and watched it fly away straight upward vertically in a blur. She shook her head and said, "And so the Dani magic of the adventure begins!" We visited three of her stores (Cathy works for a supplements and aromatherapy company and so her work is to visit stores that carry products -- which means I spend a lot of time in the car listening to Broadway shows and admiring scenery, wandering hippie co-ops and grocery stores and garden centers attached to them all over Washington, exploring cute restaurants and coffeeshops and bakeries, and then I always get to pick out bookstores or rock shops to visit with her or to visit while she's at her appointments in the stores if the stores are particularly boring/small.) I spent an inordinant amount of time talking to flowers including the pot of happy flowers that Cathy loved I old her to buy and I would take care of its survival in the car all day until she got it home to her patio. I picked up some groceries for everyone (bagels and challah and fruits and veggies) since things were getting low and my sister and brother-in-law wouldn't have a chance to go until maybe Friday and I bought 7 more kinds of tea for myself. (On top of the dozen or so Kate & Lizzie teas that I bought at the tea shop on Sunday while the kids were browsing the library.) And I mentioned how I met a juvenile hummingbird and the funniest friendliest guardian crows/ravens at the last store Cathy had to stop at. They were guarding us while we had late lunch and one was guarding our car with my things in it and the cheekiest was drinking from and perching on a water fountain at the garden center about 12ft away from me and he'd get very disgruntled whenever humans walked on the sidewalk towards him. We fed them crumbs and pepitas from my roll I bought to go with my French mushroom bisque and then Cathy gave them some of her cashews and almonds by the car which they came right over and fight over. O! And my friend the woodpecker who lives near Miche & Jon stopped by during dinner!

Also. At the first stop, I found these amazing artwork punny fairy tale named coffees that smelled amazing through my mask and I took pictures to find them again after verifying I could by Raven's Brew coffees online. Then I went to like them on facebook only to discover that Ravens Brew is one of the coffee roasters I already follow and like on Facebook, lol. But also.... LOOK at the artwork on these coffee bags!!!!! Just look at them and tell me that thy don't make you smile! (And if they don't, you're probably too grinchy hearted and not whimsical enough to belong in my life...)

After stopping y her stores, we went book shopping (I only had half an hour max for book shopping this time yet managed to spend just under $250 on 15 new books and had more than half a dozen in my basket already was only on the second shelf in from the door when Cathy came in after dropping me at the door telling me to get a headstart while she parked the car. Imagination bookstore in gig Harbor is small but extraordinarily well curated!!!)

Here are the books I packed for this trip. (First stack those I haven't even touched. Second stack I have finished. Third stack(s) are the ones by my pillow -- the left stack are ones I've started/in progress and the right are those I intend to be next up most likely.)

These are books that I acquired on this trip (Lost Apothecary I've been eyeing for a while and bought at Madison airport on my way out of town and Orwell's Roses is a gift from Cathy who bought it, got halfway through and realized she was never going to be in the mood to keep reading but thought I might like it.)

And then these are the ones I bought today in the half hour I had to browse at Imagination Bookstore.

This one though is the one I'm most most excited about!!!!! I squeeed in delight and started hopping up and down while paging through it when I found it!!!!! It's art with poetry/fairy tales to go along with the stories -- but the artist is one I adore and who crosses my Facebook feed at least once a week in various groups I'm in. You have no idea how happy this book makes me!!!!!!!!  Also, remember, my polar bear dreams. That's what it reminds me of. My polar bear who is often in my fairyland vision dreams wherein the old gods and goddesses walk with me. I call him my polar bear because even though he's his own person, obviously, still he finds me all the time in dream space and he gets s sad and hurt whenever I try to give him up or leave him and he's so snuggly and he makes me so happy and he's always so determined to get through any obstacles to find me and reach me again. And honestly, my polar bear vision dreams are always my favorite favorite of all my dreams..... Always and always.  And that's what the artwork and the words that accompany them by this painter always remind me of, my polar bear. And so I'm excited to see the narrative she has written about the girl and her polar bear and all these images that remind me of how my polar bear in my dreams of the fae makes me feel.

*sigh* I miss my polar bear. Everything feels stupid and meaningless and all wrong and that we somehow fucked up what ought to have been easy whenever my polar bear doesn't find me in dream space or whenever things get difficult for us and we are separated. They just are and it just is that way..... Maybe tonight when I finally head to sleeps in a little bit he will be there waiting for me. I'd like that very much!!

Speaking of sleep. I should consider it. 7am comes way too early and around here 7am involved much thunking and childish happy laughter and screams -- and I get the Alexa in the room where I sleep serenading me with Raining Tacos or some other songs from the silly works of the same musical artist.  I can't think of his name right now.... It's one my sister found and it made me laugh so hard the first time they decided to do this to me that they could hear me all the way upstairs in their room so now it's just a thing to remind me to come upstairs for breakfast with them rather than staying in bed reading with no sense of passage of time, lol.

But anyway, here are some selfies of sleepy happy me in my golden retrievers wearing Christmas scarves pyjama pants and All You Need Is Love pyjama long sleeve tee. So you know it truly IS me and that my sparkly magic is still as strong and bright as ever and my general philosophy that anything is possible and fixable if you only have the courage to put in the energy and effort.

*bises* Bonne nuit! May you find your own soul friend bonded to you so unbreakably they can always find you if they only desire/choose to who can visit you in your vision dreams. And I hope that my polar bear finds me again soon in my vision dream wanderings. That would be the sweetest dream of all for me.

 At Cath Cath's apartment in Edmonds (Cathy K is my mom's best friend from when they were in high school and for a while she nas her cat Jasper lives in our basement when I was a kid, she's like a bonus aunt to me) has gone to bed already and I'm hanging out with the cats Morgan and Finn while drinking my pre bedtime tea (Tazo prickly pear, didn't say on the front of the box it had chamomile and so I didn't realize til I got it home the first time. It's good in a fruity way not overtly sleepy time chamomile herbal smell/taste yet still hits me with the chamomile punch to knock me out make me sleep. So it's only a "once I'm safely home and plan to go to bed" tea for my personal biochemistry.) Tomorrow our adventures take us to Tacoma and Gig Harbor then back to my sister's family home for dinner. I'm not sure exactly what we're going to do other than visit the stores Cathy has to stop by for her work. Neither of us have ever been to Gig Harbor before but last night I found 2 bookstores in Gig Harbor that will be open tomorrow and texted her that I had then found out everything we needed to know about it. We discussed Point Defense Zoo specifically to visit Blizzard the polar bear (oldest polar bear in captivity) but he was diagnosed with cancer in September and is receiving treatment so may not want to be out in his enclosure if we visit. On verra. We also don't know what the plan is for dinner tomorrow night either, lol.

The kids and Waffles will be so happy to have me back! (Jack is 6 nearly 6.5, and Monroe is 3.5) Waffles is their dog and my sister is very firmly a cat person does NOT like dogs, but Jon loves them and Jack desperately wanted a dog. Poor Waffles is actually an incredibly good dog and despite what my sister thinks learns quickly and is eager to please but my sister's expectations include that the dog is never to lick anybody ever.... Which is utterly unfair to a dog when that's how they show affection and greeting, especially to those they love. I think this is a ridiculous expectation to have of a dog..... I understand rules about not licking faces if you find that icky (I think it's sweet, but I like dogs and dogs like me) and I am pro not letting dogs jump at faces as too many accidents of excited dogs can happen if they're lunging into faces (I am emphatically a dog and a cat person, they fill different niches in the heart and energetically do different things for a household, but if I could only have one would choose dog.) They also kennel Waffles every night or for little reason and whenever they're not home and they regularly put up baby gates or close doors to her access just for like wagging her tail wanting to get in the middle of the kids laughing and playing. My sister also has a lot of unfair rules such as the cat can go on their bed but the dog cannot, even if the cat baits or pounces on the dog, the dog chasing the cat in return isn't allowed. And if the dog gets too near her or tries to cuddle on the blanket she's using, she will use a mean tone and kick at her to make her go away and shove her off even if the dog is doing nothing but curled up quietly not moving and asleep..... My sister is emphatically anti-dog the way that she is anti-horse and anti-kids (except her own) and while I don't get how anyone could hate any of those three, I know it about her and I pity poor Waffles. I spend a lot of time with her and work with her when I visit. At least Jon leaves her and every time I visit she is becoming more and more Jon's dog and follows him everywhere. I love my sister dearly because she is my sister, but I don't always agree with her or like who she is as a person. It's not my place to tell her how to treat people/animals in her own household but I know that I could never live with anyone who is that cruelly strict to any animal or who expects an animal to make choices against their basic evolutionary instinctive nature.....  Then again, intentional cruelty is my number one biggest red flag turn off line in the sand character issue. It's the penultimate non-starter ick factor for me at a soul deep visceral level. Even just in the realm of friends interactions, it fill me with wary distrust makes me go very still and watchful and emotionally distant.... I love my sister, but on this issue I disagree with her very strongly. So I work with the dog to make life a harmonious and pleasant for both, help the dog learn/understand the rules of my sister's expectations and hope it can be enough for my sister not to cancel the dog and her maybe being put down at a humane society.... Especially with how deeply bonded Waffles is to Jon and the kids....

*shrugs* My sister is not neglectful or physically cruel to their dog, just strict demanding behaviors that are directly counter to canine instincts of affection and that are emotionally cruel to a loyal family/pack bonded animal. 

In other news, as of this evening I have planted all the live plants we bought after our Woodland Park Zoo trip on Saturday -- only bulbs still remaining. On Sunday we had a tea party and dyed Easter eggs. Today Jack completed his pirate house Lego build today. (He's on Spring Break this week so gets extra time to play with me while Monroe is in school/daycare.) Monroe has been having me put her hair up or in braids every day so far and drinking tea with me whenever she thinks about it.  Chicken (their cat) is still a skitty kitty scaredy cat middle of the night thief but she's settling in and always loves me and all my visits.

O, and as of today I'm reading my grandma's YA fantasy books. I've read the first one in its rougher first form when she first published it standalone  and she's churning them out small run indie/self printing super fast. She tells rather than shows too much for my style aesthetics as a reader, but they're quick reads enjoyable for what they are and writing them makes her happy and I love her wish to support her. I finished the first one today along with all the family time and gardening. D. E. Weingand, Crystal Saga if you want to find it from Amazon or Barnes & Noble. The first and second books are published together and the third and fourth, so 4 books in 2 volumes. And 5 & 6 are almost ready to publish. 

Anyway. Sleep for me now. Bonne nuit and sweet dreams! More from me some other night.

 Miss me yet? 😘 No, of course not. And even if you did, it's not like you could do anything about it. 

It snowed at home with a winter weather advisory the morning I left but it's real Spring time here. Compare these two images outside my bedroom windows at home and in their office/spare room 24hrs apart.

Just a little contrast. 🤣 When I texted my sister the night before I was leaving Madison that we were under winter weather advisory going to get 1-5" of snow in the morning, she told me, "Don't bring that weather with you Elsa!" followed by, "It's  Spring here and we like it that way." and then "Jack says you're not to pack or wear your snow boots." 

But also. I made it very clear to the jet stream and weather gods that I didn't want to miss seeing all the thousands of bulbs I planted in the fall so to delay the flowering of crocuses, daffodils, and tulips in southern WI until after April 14. It's my fault entirely after we had several sunny days near 70F in March. But also, my seas of Spring flowers in my work garden!!! Also. The afternoon before I flew out, I definitely kind of sort of convinced my mother to buy me for the work garden another 250 summer bulbs to plant upon my return.  (Types of ranunculus and gladiolus.) In my someday house, expect lots of flowers in the garden and everything a little feral but happy luxuriant with riots of flowers, lol. Books and art and music inside, flowers and trees and happy bees outside, and a crazy cast of characters (human and animal menagerie) in both. That's what I want for my someday house. And I want it to be somewhere I can see the stars in the sky every clear night without clouds.

Anyway. I am very safely in the land of full bloom Spring flowers everywhere and pretty much constantly surrounded with family time. (I grew up with my dad's side of the family all in town always in my life and mum's side of the family scattered all over the world. So we always had family in the everyday, reasons to travel, and long absent loved visitors dropping in whenever their schedules allowed. So my policy with loved ones far away or who travel a lot is that the times I do have to see them, they become my primary focus and choices to concentrate as much memory making and love as possible into the time I have.) My only time to myself is early morning before 7:30am (when the kids clock light turns green meaning they can be noisy and leave the bedroom) or nights after 10:30/11pm (after the adults get to hang out and chat and watch some Netflix - normally while drinking, especially beer on tap from the kegerator in the rumpus room in the basement, but with my sister pregnant due in early June and Jon going dry while Miche goes dry during all three of her pregnancies, the only drinking this visit is me sipping my herbal teas and my sister drinking her water bottle.)  I have stories and photo dumps. But not tonight. Here's a teaser of me very happy with having exit row window seat with nobody next to me so even more spacious leg room than first class For My first flight and then in the Detroit airport during my layover though. (flew out here with layover in Detroit, will fly back on a red-eye with a morning layover in Minneapolis.)

Yes I am rereading Tolkien. O had the hardest time picking books for the trip, and book selection sets a mood for everything on a trip after all, and kept choosing nonfiction I later wasn't in the mood for and short story collections and complete disinterest in every novel of every genre I picked out of my library to try. Finally I gave in to my intense desire to re-read The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings which I decided back in November when thinking about how I haven't yet read some of my books of Tolkien's unfinished tales that I own was what I wanted to read for Aries season moving through Taurus season. And it was such a strong urge that I didn't understand but merely accepted as intuition guidance. So when I opened to the first page of The Hobbit started reading on the first plane, my heart had the biggest sigh of relief and my soul was full of a joy as incandescent as the stars.

 And right in the first chapter I realized why my subconscious told me the time for rereading them was Aries season. 

And it made me laugh right out loud. I haven't read these books since right before the last time I slogged through The Silmarillion for the second time, which was like a decade ago.

Tonight my plan is to drink my chamomile tea and read some short stories and sleep asap since the plan for tomorrow is to get going early after breakfast to go to the zoo. Not Port Defiance Zoo which is south of Seattle and smaller but has polar bear, the one nearer Kirkland. But since I've never been to either of the Seattle area zoos and they haven't been since pre-covid, I'm quite happy just to head to any zoo! 

So far no major gardening/planting for me yet except planting a 6ft tall loquat tree that came in and transplanting a tree/shrub that was too near where my sister wanted the loquat. The current plan is to go plant shopping on Sunday at some point. My sister informed me that she has a $1k plant budget of funny money because her work will reimburse her for healthy hobbies including gardening plants - she asked me if I was up for the challenge, lol. (Our mutual understanding is they both make a LOT of money and they love having a garden of pretty things and happy plants But don't like gardening and I like getting my hands in the dirt - so during my visits they buy ridiculous amounts of plants and flowers and I get the joy of planting them hoping they'll thrive in my absence. It's something pleases us all.  It's my second garden in my home away from home.) We'll get there. I haven't even been in Seattle area for even 30hrs yet after all.

Anyway. Goodnight and sweet dreams and may all the good things you deserve be in your future if you just reach for them. My plans for the night are in my bed impatiently waiting for me to join them before sleep.

 And I already told you my plans for tomorrow. And then however long until I write here next. And now there, you haven't heard all the anecdotes, but you got a healthy dose of Dani rambles after all and so can't possibly miss me now.