Based on the raw epidemiology data on omicron over the past 2 weeks and the current numbers in the US and the likelihood of an omicron-delta hybrid, if you don't already have any kn95 masks, buy them while you can. If you wait until Monday (or even tomorrow) you're going to find stock low or non-existent or price gouged due to supply chain issues with increased demand. Especially since NYC has promised to provide free tests and kn95 masks but haven't yet allocated enough kn95 masks to distribute to their population. They have 1 million and NYC has 8.6 million people living there. So yeah, 1 per 8 people and distributed "to the communities" whatever that means for distribution....  I'm following my own advice, just bought another box of them for myself from Amazon on Weds right after I got back in town. (I'm down to one disposable kn95 remaining to get me through until the ones I order arrive.)  We are basically at a point where even shopping or running errands shouldn't be done without a kn95. And don't attend parties or concerts or events without a mask. And if you've allowed yourself to eat/drink indoor at restaurants/bars, try to return yourself back to carry out whenever possible.... Otherwise you will get at least a mild case of omicron. 

I'm not trying to be alarmist. I'm just looking at the available data on omicron as it becomes available.

Basically, omicron is pretty close to a worst case scenario from an infectious disease perspective.  It replicates in the bronchials instead of the lungs, it lasts in the air for 16+ hours, a significantly smaller quantity of pathogen will get you sick, it evades the vax including if you already got your booster so you are likely to spread it even if you have a "mild" case due to the booster (and if you didn't do that back when I recommended it in November, you're probably sol to get it before next year, especially in areas with rising case counts), it incubates/replicates fast and is easily spread several days before you test positive, hospitalizations happen sooner to getting your positive test (about 6 days instead of 10) which will increase icu bed usage, AND it's putting greater numbers of kids in hospital (meaning that if you have kids too young to get vaxxed you REALLY need to take personal responsibility and not be taking them to crowded events or on airplanes and be as cautious with yourself as a vector of potential infection as if you were immunocompromised.) I truly believe that the reason they are saying there "likely" won't be an omicron specific booster is because they want to make sure as many people as possible get boosters NOW (and you should -- an omicron lineage vax won't be likely until March or so and by then you'll be needing another booster, tbh. Vaccines for rhinoviruses and coronaviruses are typically a 4-6 month efficacy due to high mutation rates.) 

Also, exponential numbers and rapid spread combined with winter meaning most social settings are indoors means that this is going to be a redux of the early waves in 2020 with hospitals getting overwhelmed. Be cautious and don't do anything that might land you in need of medical attention because you likely won't get it -- especially because many of the nations hospitals were already running at near max capacity even before omicron surge.

There's a possibility of omicron burning itself out hot and fast, but that's not what the data or what I'm foreseeing leads me to believe. It's technically possible, but at this time the data doesn't support that conclusion -- and if you assume it while we wait on data then you could really get fucked up by the spread under that assumption.  I'd recommend getting yourself some kn95s during the period of time you can and being somewhere you can hermit with as little contact with other people as possible. 

I told my sister there was a short window for me visiting her between Thanksgiving and Christmas and that after that I didn't see anything until April/May. I will likely be out there again in mid April. I'd like to have another visit before the new baby arrives in mid-June so I can spend time with my current neblings Jack and Monroe split just between the two of them instead of trying to split my time/energy three ways. (My sister has told my mother and some other people now, so it's no longer something for me to keep to myself. I knew because of the timing while I was there 9I've actually visited every time my sister was about 3 months pregnant and so I've always known before she told anyone else) so I couldn't miss the fact they weren't drinking during my visit the way they typically do. (Jon chooses to go dry while my sister can't drink in support of her) and that her vitamins were prenatal vitamins. She told me right away the first night because as she and my brother-in-law had discussed and told the kids, "Aunt Dani will notice but be too polite to ask. She'll leave it for us to tell her, but she'll observe and know. So we may as well tell her and ask her to promise not to tell anyone else until we start telling people." Which is true about me. I observe everything and draw my own conclusions, but I don't out people if they're not ready to tell me or talk about things yet.)

But if you're not paying attention to omicron yet, wake up, pay attention, and be extremely cautious and concerned. Also order kn95 masks while you can if you need more of them. Only wear your cloth masks over a kn95. Look at the data yourself or just trust me. But this is all the warning I'll give. And honestly, we're at the tail end of the window for acquiring more kn95 masks at reasonable prices.

 Thinking of which.

I don't consider the promise i made to Liz in St. Louis broken you know. Or maybe you don't.  It was after one of the shows at Old Rock House -- I don't remember which year though. I remember everything I ever experience, but I don't time or date stamp any of it. It's all organized associatively, not chronologically. But it WAS after a show at the Old Rock House, that's the only place in St. Louis I've ever seen them except at LouFest where I randomly met Avett Brothers and watched the Suffers with them after Delta Rae left the festival early to head to Memphis rather than sticking around the festival enjoying it the way Avett Brothers did. Sorry. That's off topic. Associative brain.  But the time I'm thinking of the promise Liz got me to give her in St. Louis wasn't at LouFest.  I do know that. It was after a show at Old Rock House but before they signed to Big mahcine and all the troubles started as a consequence of that choice. (all my precogs about this mess started from the day they signed to Big Machine, not the day they announced it but when the choice was made that set the fateline course that brought us here. Because you see, if they'd never signed to Big Machine, they wouldn't have sold out to try to fit in at country radio and I never would have been honest that the twang of the country music was causing me so much physical nerve pain due to my color-timbre synesthesia that I could no longer attend Delta Rae concerts -- and if I hadn't been honest about the country music causing me physical pain and stopping me attending shows, then Liz and Britt would never have gotten defensive about their decisions to pursue the country music star path which is what led them to block me on their personal insta accounts and then on the band insta account. The signing to Big Machine was the initial pebble that shifted us to this fate line, it's when my precogs about it first manifested.)

Crissy and I were late leaving after the show because I'd been talking to the bartender about whiskey and we were exchanging bartending stories while I was trying to ignore some random drunk dude bro I'd never met who was hitting on me and annoying me and couldn't take a hint.  So when the dude bro went to the bathroom, I told the bartender I was leaving while I could make my escape and she poured some Jameson shots for her and me and Crissy to drink to escaping from dude bros before I left the bar. So we left and came around the corner and I was skipping heading to the car while they were loading stuff out and Liz stopped us before we got to the parking lot insisted on hugs and a proper goodbye. Mike and Eric were in the trailer but didn't come over, and Mike went back inside during the conversation after waving hi-bye so I guess really any of the three of them would know about what I promised Liz right before we got in the car. We didn't really talk about anything important after she stopped us for hugs, first time visits going up the Arch and I talked about how different it felt going adult sized than my memories of when my family visited it as a kid. Anyway, that part is unimportant.

The promise she asked of me after thanking us for coming all that way from Wisconsin was if we'd keep coming back for more Delta Rae shows. I laughed and told her, "O of course! Bands who I respect and who make music I love I always go see as often as possible. You're definitely on that list. As long as you don't sell out your ethics, and you don't seem the sorts who would, I promise I'll always come to every Delta Rae show that's driveably close. And my definition of driveably close is significantly wider than most people's definition." 

I never break a promise. Even if it's a stupid thing to promise, I stick to the absolute letter of it unless/until the other person(s) void it or release me from my promise. So I don't make promises lightly and it weighs heavily upon me when they get fractured even if I'm not the one who first broke the promise. You do have to be careful of the fine print and exclusion clauses. I don't consider the promise  I made to Liz to be one that I have broken because my exclusion clause to void my promise was about their ethics. I never missed any show driveably close, despite the pain the country music was causing me, until the show at The Majestic in Madison in late 2019 after I'd been blocked from the band insta page for my honesty about loving Hands Dirty and my sorrow that the country music at shows was causing me so much nerve pain due to my synesthesia that show now caused me more pain than pleasure. At every point that I have believed their ethics to be true not hollow, I purchased tickets to every show that I considered driveably close or that I had friends/family to visit near the show.  I suppose if they addressed the ethics issues their past choices/actions created, I'd consider myself bound once more by my promise I chose to make. 

But I don't expect that hypothetical to happen -- they've spent 3 years teaching me that accountability and caring about when they do wrong and their created system of inequality isn't something they value or care about. But it is a promise I willingly chose to make so I would keep it -- if the clause I included for what would free me from my promise were no longer in play. Like I said, when you get promises from me, pay attention to the exceptions I say as much as the actual wording of it. My exceptions are important -- they always come from me realizing what would give me internal ethical conflict with myself if I tried to keep the promise.

I haven't forgotten that promise that Liz got me to give. I just consider it inactive since they crossed my caveat about them selling out their ethics. But I haven't forgotten I made that promise and I'd be held to it by my own personal code of honor if that caveat were no longer in play. But then, if that ethics issue were solved, you wouldn't need a promise because the promises binds me to the choice I would willingly make without it.

Anyway. I'm going to watch some more of The Good Place (we stopped after watching Season 2 Episode 10 because we ran out of time) while drinking tea and inputting  now that I caught up on the episodes I'd missed of Doctor Who and Young Sheldon. Not certain I'll keep binging it until I head home at sunrise (I'm trying to get as much of my 40 hours as possible in across Weds, Thurs, Fri, Sat and Friday I can't get any in between my grandmother's eye appointments and tickets to see Watkins Family at Stoughton Opera House) but I'll keep binging it until I'm feeling like watching something else.

 So I was thinking about it while I was watching shooting stars across Sirius and Orion while on the plane from Seatac to Detroit.

The thing is, I can't have any knowledge about what Eric does or doesn't want for himself and his life except by what his actions and choices illuminate for me. Could he be doing one thing and wanting another? Sure but that's on him for not listening to his own heart/head -- the world can only respond based on your choices, in any lifetime. Could he be influenced by the rationalizations of others so his choices don't reflect his desires? Sure, but he's still making the choices to heed their advice and valuing people pleasing more than his own conscience, that's still his chosen values.

The only concrete thing I have to work with are his choices -- everything else is assumptions. Whether genuinely objective or biased by what I want to be true or skewed from fear of what I don't want to be true, anything not based on his choices is still all assumptions not observations.

His choices these recent years have been VERY clear as to what he wants and what values he does/doesn't follow in his own actions.  And whether those are truly his or they're based on him people pleasing for ego affirmations and rationalizing that behavior, the reasons matter less than the actions he chooses. Because ultimately, those ARE his choices regardless why he made them or what he valued or excluded from the process of making those choices. It would hurt less if that weren't the truth, but it is.

I don't desire to make his choices for him. I don't ask him to choose between the band or having me in his life -- that's an ultimatum of a false dichotomy that I never chose to be part of and that never needed to exist. There was never any reason for such a false dichotomy to be constructed as an either/or except Britt's defensiveness over being caught out about blocking fans whose honesty she didn't want to hear. And it's always been something that could be reconciled in a pretty straight forward way by just going to the blocked list on the band's account and unblocking the fans who were blocked there. It's literally a two second fix to unblock someone if you didn't mean it or don't stand by that choice after it was made. If you're too chicken shit to do the right thing and acknowledge what happened and take accountability apologize for your part in perpetuating it, still fixing it so it doesn't continue into the future is a very easy thing to do. Provided you have access to the account that did the blocking, which in this case many people have the login credentials for the band account -- many people could have fixed this and nobody chose to. It's not like it was ever a big thing or a difficult reconciliation -- he just chose not to deal with it and tried to gaslight ignore it as if that would make it go away. And in a way, ignoring the check engine light warnings did just make the problem go away on its own -- I no longer enjoy anything created by the band and don't consider myself a fan anymore because of the choices made in the band's name. I went away and that makes the problem go away, non? That's not something I ever wanted, that was a consequence of choices that Liz and Britt made back in 2018 and Eric's choice in 2019 not to do anything about it when he was personally directly informed about it.  He has had plenty of opportunities to have both and to take the accountability to solve the exclusionary practices created in the band's name and he decided it didn't matter to him.  That was his choice. His and his alone. And he chose to do nothing, to let this happen and to let it continue and perpetuate with him taking active part in it. That's the course of actions/inactions he chose.

It doesn't actually matter what I ever desired or hoped for and what he wanted or any of our past lives or the connection between us and the pull of it throughout this life just the same as so many others -- what matters are the choices that have been made, are being made, and will be made. And I can't make his choices for him. I don't even want that sort of control -- what meaning can be found in anything if it didn't come from a soul's authentic free will choice? But I do have to accept his choices and the consequences of them because they ARE his choices.  All the rest are assumptions not observations.

And if he doesn't like what his choices get him, then it's for him to make different choices and consider why his choices got him to where he is and what he does/doesn't have in his life.  

As for me, there are so many other people and things that DO choose me and do value the ethics of doing the right thing by other people instead of just paying lip service to it. I will invest my love and energy into those who desire it and who choose to have me in their lives and make it clear by their choices that when they fuck up they'll take accountability for it and choose to make things right rather than deny or hide it. 

That's where I'm at.

The ball was always in his court, he just never cared enough to pick it up and do anything with it. It is his choices and his choices alone that have blocked his shots and shut me out of his life and made it so that I have nothing to do with his band (which I once loved and would still love if not for this issue created by their choices and perpetuated by their choices) at this point. If he wants different outcomes, it's for him to make different choices. He can find me if or when he ever decides that I matter to him and ethics matter to him and accountability matters to him. And if he never makes such choices, then he was never worth my emotional investment nor was he anyone worth me breaking my heart over, was he?

But it is only his choices, his actions, that which is objectively observable, which I will give credence at this point. I don't have any faith in believing anything else in the light of his past/present choices.

 If you are where you can see the stars right now, go outside and watch the Geminids, make some wishes for me. 

It's raining tonight in Kirkland, so I cannot watch the peak of them. (They'll be visible to the naked eye until the 17 and started to be visible on the 7 - but the peak is tonight.) So no shooting star wishes for me tonight   However, I have a red eye flight that departs at 11pm tomorrow and I deliberately picked which side of the plane for my window seat (I always pick window seats if I can, I read and watch out the window throughout flights. This time I chose to be facing south since no projected solar flares to produce northern lights as far south as Seattle/Montana/Dakotas/Great Lakes region and toward the back of the plane since the Geminids are to the southwest in the northern hemisphere) in the hopes of seeing some shooting stars from the plane.

That's it, I was just setting my phone alarm and making faces at the rain before bed. Reading some poetry while snuggling the purring cat Chicken and finishing this chamomile tea before turning the lights out. *yawns* Anyway. If you can see the stars tonight wherever you are, go watch the meteor shower for me and make some wishes on them, k? K!

Bonne nuit. 

 I also refer to it in that scientific way because that sort of adoration/worship and the egoic desire or fulfillment from it is something that in this life I understand intellectually but not experientially. It's just not something I crave or understand this life. And I don't think it's just having overdosed on that sort of dopamine reward ego stroking adoration last life. I mean, I did, in a way few people ever experience. But it's not just that - there's plenty of things we can have frequently and find joy in every time we have them. There are things that I have all the time (be it tea or coffee or books or my dog or my cat or music or plants or trees or people I care about or the skies or snow or light dancing on water) that always elicit delight in me and make my soul sparkle and dance for getting to share time/space in those moments of experience. Ego boosts and dopamine rush just don't elicit that reaction in me. They never have this life.

I think that it's just a part of who I am this life. It's not just the unmedicated ADHD (though that does contribute and affect how I process dopamine and serotonin and makes me more resistant to getting any sort of "high" from dopamine, which is also part of the wandering lack of goal orientation in me) or my introversion - I just generally have very self-sufficient egoic needs that don't generally respond to external stimulus or external validation. It's more that I need to feel at peace with my own consciousness and my own conscience and the impact my choices have on others - it makes no difference to me whether people approve or disapprove or even react or know about them. It's all mediated by internal consideration of how I affect others, but it's not influenced by external approval or disapproval at all. 

Similarly, I have a very strong sense of internally mediated guilt when my conscience tells me I did wrong or hurt someone else, but I have no externally mediated sense of shame no matter how intensely other people are judgemental or may disapprove of my behaviors. When other people are genuinely hurt, it hits me hard as an empath and that upsets me with guilt because I never intended to add suffering to this world, but trying to shame me or get me to conform or instill "these are rules of conduct" gets nowhere with me. Only me realizing I did something that created suffering or was ethically wrong/questionable or makes me feel I've somehow betrayed the Ma'at, or the two facets of Ma'at that in English we call Truth and Justice, will prick at my conscience until I make things right. But trying to punish me or bend me to conform to your will just gets blank stares and a shrugged "you can't punish me only I can punish me" followed by me enduring whatever I must finding what joy I can during it and then choosing to have as little as possible to do with anyone who would seek to control or dominate my will/ethics/choices. I was that way as a child as well - timeouts never worked unless I already felt guilty I'd done wrong before being sent to somewhere I could think/imagine and not have to interact with other people.

I also do not experience jealousy this life, I only understand it intellectually and understand the cause/effect consequences of it. I don't experience it emotionally or personally. I don't have a territorial or possessive sort of love and I desire those I care about to thrive have whatever brings them greatest joy even if it means they are far away from my presence. Knowing they're happy makes me happy for them, even if it means accepting that they not be in my life experiences. It doesn't mean I don't find joy while with them or soul sparkles when they choose me as part of the joys in their life - it just means I'd rather they be doing what gives them joy than forcing them to be miserable with me. I don't need to be the reason they're happy as long as I know that they're happy with what they do choose for their life. If/when they desire me, they can go about finding me and we can decide together what will bring us both joy and I will be over the moon delighted to be happy together, but I see no point in making us both miserable trying to get them to be with me while doing things not of interest to them or not of interest to me. Outside the have tos in life, you do what makes you happy and I'll find things that make me happy and when being together makes us both happy then we can come together again. I loathe being an ought to and so I don't love in possessive ways as I don't want my love to be a manacle of have to/ought to.

But because of that I don't experience jealousy. Same as I don't experience externally mediated shame.  Same as I don't experience a dopamine high from the ego boost of adoration/worship from others who have made an idol of who they think me to be or want me to be. I only get ego pleasure from love of me qua me.

They're just emotions I recognize other people feel but which I only understand intellectually because I don't personally experience them. So I have to use scientific knowledge, psychology terms, and metaphysics/epistemological explorations to conceive and communicate about them. Because the experience of those emotions/motivations is completely foreign and alien to my experience of existence this life.

 I don't mean anything derogatory in referring to his/their fans cheering for him by referencing to the biochemical/psychological truths of the dopamine highs and ego boosts of fan adoration. I'm sorry if my phrasing sounded judgemental or disparaging. That was not my intent. 

Adoration from a crowd applauding/supporting you and hanging on everything you say and do is legitimately a quick hit of dopamine reward feel good ego boost and highly addictive once you get used to adulation.  It's incredibly important to many people which is why I included it in the list of things in his life due to the band regardless of my presence or absence. 

I just personally see the high of dopamine release and ego stroking worship as being entirely distinct from serotonin mediated happiness and oxytocin mediated joy and I'm personally uninterested in adoration/worship based dopamine and ego stroking this life.  I've had plenty of it in past lives and my most recent life I had a surfeit of worship, where people were in love with their idea they had created of me, and an almost complete absence of being loved for me qua me as I am.  So the illusory drug-like addictiveness of dopamine and ego stroking doesn't affect me the way it does most people -- I all too recently was adored by literally millions if not billions of fans for the glamour of who they wanted to believe I was and nobody who actually loved the actual me for my soul and me qua me.  This life I'm solely interested in being loved for me qua me in a spirit of complete honesty -- being worshiped and applauded doesn't appeal to me at all this life.  I understand why it might matter to other people, it's not perforce objectively meaningless to have people tell you they love you when they're only in love with their IDEA of you and the masks you let them see -- but for me personally and subjectively it's a seductive illusion I've already lived to the fullest possible extreme to see past to the harsh realities of how alone and unloved adoration makes you feel if you succumb to the addiction of it.

*shrugs*

You will never impress me by showing me how long or loud a crowd cheers for your performance, how much people tell you they love you when they never even bother to see the real you.  To me, that is meaningless idolatry, not love.  Love requires loving a being as they are, faults and flaws and honest hard truths and annoying habits and everything.  All of it. Loving the individual qua the individual.  You can call it whatever you damn well please, but idolatry and worship will always be distinct from love to me.  To be idolized and worshiped for the symbol and exterior persona that people  see you as will never be love in my eyes -- no matter how loud or long the mob cheers. Especially a crowd that is already there because of their worship of you.  

I don't want that for myself this life -- I don't give a damn if it matters to you and won't judge you for any addiction to needing it in your life, it's just that it's as meaningless as money or political/social power to me. When I see that sort of adoration/worship to produce dopamine and ego stroking, it makes me shrug and say, "That's nice for you. But so what? What sort of person are you when the lights go out and nobody's watching? What sort of person are you when you're confronted with the hard truths you don't want people to know or recognize? What ethics or morals guide your actions? How honest are you with yourself and others?"

But that's me. There are literally millions if not billions of people in this world you can impress and make love the image and their idea of you -- so what does my opinion matter in the scales compared to that?

Exactly.  

The only person(s) my opinion on the matter would matter to are those to whom I matter as me qua me. Just as I am.  And that is a much harder thing to earn from even one person than mass cheering and worship from people who love their idea of you and what that represents to them.

Recognizing that is the biggest part of why I assume that for him all those other factors I mentioned in my last post weigh more in his scales than me and my opinion and my love and any manifestation of it in his life.  This is the truth that I have been wrestling with myself to accept for 3 years 1 month and 15 days -- ever since the choices of Liz and Britt to try to ostracize my truth I was speaking made it clear to me what the band was willing to allow be done in their name. And it has been 2 years 3 months 13 days that I have been working to accept the hard truths about Eric's willingness to ignore, excuse, rationalize, and take part in the system of inequality created in the band's name on their official account.

I recognize my insignificance in his life and in his choices and in his actions. I have seen it and I have spent literally years now making myself accept the bitterness of these hard truths about him and the version of himself he has chosen to be and the people he surrounds himself with and let influence his decisions. I can't make me matter to him same as I can't make ethics of right and wrong and systems of inequality matter to him or to the band who claim to care about it but whose actions when they have power show that's not really them, just the version of them they wish to be or at least wish to seem to others. His choices are his and his alone. Same as my choices are my own. So I can't try to make him care about these things or make him care about me.  However, I can do my best to try to make me let go and top obsessing in circles and thinking about him/them.

It is under these terms that I am working towards letting him go and have every intention of putting this back to private not letting me write here further.  My goal is to close this chapter following this holiday. If I have difficulties, it may not be until end of year. But I have no intention of allowing myself to continue these into 2022. Period.

I don't claim this is the best answer, for me or for him. It's just the best way I can see from what is within my own options and choices and the truths currently known to me for my choices to stop repeating the cycles we are still stuck in. If he doesn't like it, he can make different choices to find alternate ways to break the cycles and get us closer to what we actually desire. But what I desire and what his soul insists it desires are not currently among the choices that ego driven defensiveness in the past has left on the table for us in the present. 

Unrelatedly, my sister bought a bunch of Packers fabric to make blankets and had leftovers so she made Packers Santa hats for her and her family (some of them normal and some extra long) and after I got here made one for me. Both my sister and I wanted the extra long ones, lol. She also wanted to make one for my mother but was low/out of fabric and so we made the last one in Packers flannel instead of Packers fleece.  I'm bringing them home with me and will offer my mom one if she wants one. Otherwise, they're both for me. So for tonight's game against The Bears, I decided to wear both of them at the same time -- much to the amusement of everyone.  My brother-in-law Jon insisted I should change my profile picture while I had them on -- and he was right. (On facebook. My insta profile picture is my dog wearing a paper crown from BarkBox and hasn't changed in like 4 or 5 years -- whenever I got tired of random dick pics and randos hitting on me and so removed the pictures of me on it.)

These are some of the outtakes as well as the one(s) I actually tried/used. 

It is pretty forking adorable, non? Not sure if I feel more court jester, giant puppy, Packers Harley Quinn, or Jedi Aayla Secura -- but I'm definitely loving it, lol.  Also as a Libra, the balance of it works nicely for me.

 I'm not making a mistake, an error of judgement, in presuming that he is happy with his life he has created for himself from his choices now that he's back on tour with his band regardless of my absence and my intentional letting go of all ties to him or the band am I?

I mean, more or less, my reasons for that assumption are:

1) He has literally built his entire life around this band for the last decade or more

2) The band is composed of his siblings and his closest friends -- so he is always surrounded by the most important people to him in his life at all times so long as he is with his band

3) The songs/videos/performances are of his songwriting and collaboration so he feels satisfaction that he is creating meaningful things that make his voice heard and can touch/change people's lives

4) So long as he is touring/performing, he is continuously getting the dopamine rush and ego stroking of being told by people how much they adore him/them and getting people to literally applaud anything he does so long as he is onstage.

So for those reasons, I have every right to assume he is happy with his choices and where they have gotten him, right?  And as I have no part in any of those things, they function the same in my absence as in my presence, and ever since the events of October 2018 am not welcome or considered a fan/backer by the official band account, I have no part in any of those aspects of his life, yes? I can find no falsity in these 4 premises I used to arrive at my conclusion - it's solid, non?

So then why is it bothering my conscience so much that I might be wrong about that conclusion? Why is it keeping me from sleeping yet again, no matter how much chamomile tea I drink?

I could go look and verify that he is indeed smiling and happy in pics and videos from the tour - but that would just feed back into old cycles and reinforce the ties to him. Better to not let me see him, not even look at pictures or videos, if I hope to have any success at letting him go and releasing as many cords to him as it's in my power to release.

Ugh. I'm being stupid. I'm presuming my own value to him to be far greater than there's any reason to believe it is... most likely, he hasn't even noticed, isn't even aware of my pulling back inside myself and refusing to let me see him and not coming to any show this tour. Let alone care. I'm overthinking my own significance 

I only have a few more days with my neblings at this moment of who they are becoming and weekend wakeup time to leave rooms for breakfast and such is 8am in my sister's household (7am on weekdays.) I just need to close my eyes and still my thoughts and make me sleep for at least 6 hours.  I fly home across Tuesday night/Wednesday morning redeye -- I can overthink in circles about why this is bugging me so much on the plane and once I'm home. (Probably because I'm an abject failure at pessimism and giving up. I am the absolute WORST when it comes to giving up on anyone/anything I care about.  I need to reach the point of not caring to give up on it for real. I'm not even good at keeping my overthinking in circles to myself and sticking for longer than a week to my intention not to write here.)

 O it's not that I don't still desire Eric. My desires haven't changed one iota, they're constant as the north star unshakeable drawn that way. I still need him in a selfish way that I don't feel about anyone or anything else, and his absence still feels like a phantom limb. I don't have any reason to believe that might ever change - it never has for me across all these lifetimes that we've lived before. 

It's just, his happiness means more to me than my own selfishness. So I accept his choices for himself and his life path as being of greater importance on my priorities than my own selfish desires. 

And then also. I'm so very tired of being disappointed and the heaviness it brings in its wake. And all I've ever gotten this life from all my trying and hoping and holding faith is disappointment. And the disappointment is exhausting. I don't have the energy for more disappointment. So I'm just not going to let me expect or hope in anything that would lead to further disappointments.  I can't any longer. I'm just going to accept his tangible choices and actions on their face value as representative of his life choices. 

I'm so incredibly tired of giving my energy and love into holding onto hope and faith and only getting disappointment and hurt in return. It's time for me to let go of that cycle, which is why closing chapter by setting this as private to authors and not writing here makes sense to me as a part of letting of of any hopes/expectations and ceasing to put more energy into anything tied to Eric or Delta Rae. For him I hope he finds the happiness he seeks and has chosen for himself, and for the band it doesn't matter to me what they do or create. I don't wish them success or failure, I don't wish for them anything at all, they have demonstrated for over 3 years now their wish to non-exist to me, remember? It doesn't matter to me what the band does and it's of no interest to me anything they might create. I wish them neither good nor ill, I wish for them nothing at all - to wish for them anything is to put more energy into them. And I'm done doing that.

Is it the best choice? Probably not. Is it what I want? Definitely not. But, I'm just so tired of trying and getting nothing back but disappointment and hurt for the energy I put in...

Gotta run and get Jack some lunch. Miche and Jon are at an appointment, the three of us will have leftover Indian food when they get back. (Can't talk about the appointment, not my story to tell. And anyway, my mom doesn't know yet. She'll likely be upset to find out that I know before her again.  I mean, just timing wise worked out that way.) Time to get my nephew his lunchable and keep him company while he eats before his next class "meeting" starts again. 

 I'm safely at my sister's family's house in Kirkland, having a wonderful time. Everyone is completely spoiling me even though we're not going anywhere (for Monroe's safety) and I spend most of the weekdays reading and drinking tea while my sister and brother-in-law work from home and Jack attends online first grade and Monroe is at preschool. But still, they're spoiling me. Last night and today I spent at Cathy's place visiting her and her 2 cats, Morgan and Finn. (Cath Cath is my mom's best friend from high school, lived in our basement during a long portion of my childhood and is a chosen family bonus aunt unrelated to me.) She also had to work from home this morning which meant chill time reading and cuddling with the cats and drinking tea. Then she played hookey and took me to the cute places in Edmonds she's been wanting to take me to -- a tea shop called Treasures & Teas, a rock shop called The Wishing Stone, and a bookstore called Edmonds Edmonds. Then we stopped for gelato and coffees, saw the second tea shop had permanently closed, were informed that the Indian place we were going to get dinner from didn't open til 5:30 and since it was sunny and clear and beautiful (it's like that for about 75% of my time in the Seattle area wherever I am in the area is sunny) I asked if we could go park somewhere near the water to watch the skies over the mountains and the sunset over the sound while we made a new order from a different restaurant (Indian-Tibetan-Nepali) that was en route to them and Jon got an order together for us to pick up. Then after the kids went to bed and Cath Cath went home, my sister and brother-in-law and the dog and I went downstairs to the rumpus room and watched some more of The Good Place. (I had never watched it yet though it's been on my list of "highly recommended shows from people whose opinions are cash money always brilliant" and they were up for a rewatch and getting my reactions in real time while I watched it. They've also been calling me Tadani since watching it due to a lot of similar mannerisms and speech patterns -- and I do covet about 90% of the outfits she wears -- to an extent that we've agreed that I should say only when I DISLIKE her outfits as it is otherwise assumed that I love them. Because I do. I covet her wardrobe. Which makes sense as it is modeled on Kate Middleton's looks and I seriously want every fucking one of her hand me down castoffs that I've ever seen her wear! I follow Kate Middleton and the British royals solely for Kate's clothes. It's shallow but it's true about me.) I'm very much enjoying the show! I found much of season 1 predictable so far (it would be to anyone who'd read as many philosophy texts as I have) but was not expecting the ending of the last episode to go the way it did. I was expecting the reveal (thought it would get figured out a different way though) but wasn't expecting the cliffhanger "solution" for where season 2 starts.  It makes me laugh a lot, the random quirky things are my favorite -- the things I don't see coming. Like giant flying prawns and cactus.  We're at season 2 episode 3, unclear how far we'll get before I head home. But I am very much enjoying it! It was a very solid choice for our evenings after the kids are put to bed!

Anyway, I'm here and my visit is going absolutely amazingly and I'm very very very happy for this holiday here. Perhaps I'll add pictures of the 13 books or the 8 types of tea or the 4 crystals (including a gold sheen obsidian that is mind blowingly gorgeous!! I have never seen one with quite this intense a contrast before today!!)  Or perhaps I won't. I'll most likely set this whole damn thing back to private only visible to authors -- if not tonight before bed then tomorrow. For the same reasons that I set it to private right before flying out to the Pac Northwest -- and if you don't yet understand those reasons, then you haven't truly been listening or understanding a damn thing I've been writing here....And I don't have the energy any longer to keep saying the same damn things in circles and nothing changing or improving. I'm done hoping to get it clear and I'm done trying and I'm just working on internally letting go of all things that tie me to Eric and wishing for him that he find the happiness he seeks in his choices for this life. I accept his choices past and present and make no claims on him for the present and the future -- I will do my best to keep my desires and wishes for the way things could/should have been if not for what happened in October 2018 from getting in the way of his chosen life path. What I had always believed would be is not where we are, and those options aren't open to us anymore at this point, not without him making different choices than he has so far. So I'm done hoping for something different, I'm done trying, I'm just going to accept this choices and do my best not to think on him or them. Because he's on tour with his band, the band that I am not welcome or even acknowledged as a fan due to the choices/actions of his sister taken in the name of the entire band back in October 2018. He is happy because he is playing shows and he's okay with what happened in October 2018 as evidenced by his choices in August 2019 when I told him directly what had been done to me from the band's official account and he chose to gaslight and ignore it and continue on not caring about those hard truths -- anyway he's happy to be on tour with the band and  that's the path he has chosen and so what more is there for me to do or hope for other than accept his choices for his happiness? Exactly. And with how many words and how much time/energy I have wasted trying to convey the state of my own heart and how and why it has gotten to this point, I don't see how any more words of mine will change any damn thing. 

I'm tired of trying and hoping and not getting any damn good thing I desire to manifest from all that faith I've extended him/them. I'm just so very tired of that....So I'm done devoting any of my energy to even wishing for that, I'm devoting my energy to accepting his choices at the face value of them instead. There will be no more of my words on the subject, I thought you would have understood that from the things I have written here. Especially recently. That's what I assumed you'd have understood about my radio silence and setting this whole damn blog to private.

I've set this back to public as I felt bad about the sudden inexplicable absence here. I decided anyone who bothered reading this at least deserved to know my flight got here safe and I'm surrounded by love and cuddly animals and tea and cute small children to frolic with and delicious food and I have plenty of books and tea in my life atm.  And you should expect me to set all of this back to private to authors soon. If not tonight then tomorrow.

Also. I fly home the night of the 14th and get back to Madison at like 9:30am on the 15th -- and the high is going to be 52 the day I get back.  Currently forecasting a high of 58 on Dec 16..... And knowing that forecast breaks my heart so badly. Because that's not the way Wisconsin is meant to be in December..... Also, I have a really hard time whenever I'm anywhere in December without everything covered in snow. The first year I ever failed to have a white Christmas was the year my grandfather died on Christmas Day. The second time it happened my great-grandmother died on Christmas Eve while I was visiting some family in Florida for Christmas and spending most of my time at Disney World. (the family members I was staying with were all cast members, so whenever I visited them I got to go for free.) So anyway, I hate Decembers without snow and it makes my heart heavy and depressed and I feel like someone or something is going to die on me. The more snow that falls and stays in December the happier I am. That was part of why I chose this timing -- I figured I'd be less unhappy for the lack of snow if I were somewhere that isn't supposed to have December snows. If I were home in Wisconsin, I'd be so fucking depressed and unable to find joy in things and just putting on the brave face fake smiles that don't reach the eyes as a result of the lack of snow..... Best thing you can ever do for me in Decembers, especially the nearer we get to Christmas, is take me somewhere with deep snows and keep me there so I won't get heartsick over the way Decembers without snow when there should be snow makes me feel. Which oughtn't to be an issue in the frozen tundra of Wisconsin, and yet with global warming here we are. I'll probably hermit myself as much as possible from the time I get back until we're past Christmas if it doesn't snow and stay by then.  58F in December in Wisconsin is fucking bullshit.

Rainier is supposed to get 6ft of snow this weekend (it's actually been in a snow drought so far and a lot of people who ski have been very upset over it) so at least my mountain gets me and is trying to provide snow in December for me while I'm so close to it. Northern Wisconsin is also getting snow this weekend (but Madison only up to .5") but that's supposed to melt by midweek even in northern Wisconsin. 

*sigh*

But anyway. For now, I'm ignoring all the things weighing heavy on my heart and distracting myself with bright beautiful good things and surrounding myself with love and tea and books at my sister's house in the Pac Northwest.

 O mon bon dieu! He is very loud and bright in his love down the bond all of a sudden!! I wonder why... I don't have any answers to that, but it's very bright and very beautiful an in pouring of his love light down the bond!

Well, in the Zen spirit of "First enlightenment, then chop wood" I'm going to move along the laundry and then make breakfast. My plans for today are laundry, getting my plants organized on the plant stand, other tidying tasks before I'm leaving, preliminary packing at some point - or as much packing as I can do right now, reading because I want to finish The Luminous Ones by Nicholas Ashbaugh before my trip. I will be heading over to the vet to pick up another bag of the dog food Audrey's been eating (it's pricey as it's the vet only digestive care chicken flavor by Hill's Farm -- but I know she'll eat it and I don't want to switch her to the less expensive Hill's Farm probiotic from pet stores until after I get back) then stop by work with it for my parents. And probably have some drinks or something and double check I got all my hours in and such and checking print boarding passes etc. Then home. And sleep and packing and up early to shower and get ready. That's my plan for today - nice quiet productive day mostly spent with my fur babies who will miss me. 

Ready? Go!

 I'm very excited I'll be heading to visit my sister's family again!! This is the longest I've gone without visiting the Pac Northwest and at least paying homage in greeting to Rainier since my sister's first internship with Microsoft when she was in college. (that mountain and I have a wyrd deep connection and I'm half convinced it will be the death of me this life. That or trying to cuddle a real polar bear, lol.  It feels the way Santorini felt all those lifetimes and millennia ago.  More than once I've had precogs of it erupting while I was in the air watching it through an airplane window. It doesn't feel now, not this trip, I'm flying at the wrong time of day, but it's a contingent precog that has haunted my subconscious from the first time I saw the mountain. I could stop going, but it feels more important that if it happens in this lifetime, I be there watching it from above to help guide the way it erupts and which ways it flows to cause the least loss of life. So I like to keep tabs on it and check in, both from the air and by hiking it and touching the mountain itself. It's an aerial vision, not a ground level precog - there's a certain distance when I go to visit it that every internal warning system yells at me to run the opposite way because of the sleeping power there but if I keep going into the danger zone, there is recognition and greeting and welcome and in my greeting of it I help to keep it slumbering. I also have to be careful what I say about the mountain to other people as it's a trickster and things I say I've never experienced there tend to come true my very next visit -- including my closest physical proximity to a wild grizzly bear. That one was actually pretty fucking funny -- and the bear was completely chill gorging on salmon berries so nobody was in any danger.)

Anyway. The last time I was there was in March 2020, while the cases and deaths in the elder care facilities in Kirkland were exploding, and I actually flew back the day that all the rules were changing while I was in the airport. It's one of the very few times I've ever bought flight insurance which terrified my sister (an atheist but when pushed she gets scared by me because she's been around too much wyrdness and seen too many of my illogical precogs come true - she doesn't know about the Rainier perhaps vision that I have been seeing for the last 15years or more) and I explained that I wasn't concerned if I had my flights canceled got stuck in SeaTac as they'd come get me I could stay with them - I just wanted hotel and rental car imbursement if we needed up on the future path that my flight out of Denver was cancelled and I got stuck in Denver.  It was a prominent enough probable dateline for concern that time.  I got back safely, then had a handful of Irish concerts before everything shut down. 

This time my flights are through Minneapolis and Detroit - so I have rides and people to stay with if something completely unforeseen happens. But I don't believe that will be a possibility this time.  I actually have a 4 hour layover in Minneapolis on Saturday, 11:55am landing from Madison, 3:55 departure of second flight, so I should probably see what restaurants are in that airport as I'll have plenty of time for an actual lunch! I actually prefer long layovers over ones that are too tight. Not 8+ hour long layover, but 2-4hrs between flights is pretty ideal for me. I like having time to deplane without stress, pee, get a coffee and maybe some food, find my gate and settle in for a peaceful wait people watching and reading. I hate being time stressed cutting it close and fretting while I pee in an actual bathroom about making boarding times and I'd I can stop for real coffee or not.... I'd much rather the tranquility of knowing I have time to do the things I need to do than the impatience of trying to rush things.  I'm a reader, a writer, and a people watcher observer - I prefer the breathing space of extra time over unnecessary pressures. 

I'm actually very happy with my flights and my timing of this visit (right when I kept telling people I'd be gone and referring to myself as out there even though I didn't have a flight booked which was driving my Virgo sun and stellium sister more than a bit batty, lol. 

We don't really have much for plans - not even breweries or wineries or distilleries like we normally do. Even eating out, they're still only doing carry out or outdoor seating never indoor seating. (My nephew Jack got his first covid vax and will get his second while I'm there, but my niece Monroe is still too young for any vax.  Me, my sister, and my brother-in-law all have are booster shots as well for vax. As do my parents, my bff, and most of my coworkers. I was very clear with everyone that if eligible, November was the window and to take your shot then if you could, because once we hit the holiday season there would be delays and another bottleneck.)  

But it will be good to go see them!! And to get to meet their cat Chicken and dog Waffles , both of whom are young and adopted since my last visit. (Bob cat passed away during the pandemic - I knew my last visit it was the last time I'd get to see him so I spent as much time as possible cuddling with him and using reiki healing energy on him to keep him going as long as his body would be able to hold on for the sake of the kids. My sister was the one who found him at least. He was old, younger than Audrey but older than Spock, and when Weebl (the cat my sister got in college) died he got very depressed and lonely. So it wasn't a sudden unexpected loss. You still grieve as a precog and energy worker, you just grieve on a different timeline from most people. You hurt just as badly, but you spread the hurt and the sadness across the time before the events instead of having all of it at once when the event occurs out of the blue. But it still hurts and makes you sad. Just your sorrowing starts before everyone else is reacting.  My sister did hear me talking to Bob my last day and telling him, "I won't get to see you again my dear. But you are a good cat and full of so much love. Know that all 4 of your people will be here all the time with you to give you love until you're ready to move on. And they'll need your love and comfort too. But they'll be here. Even when you can't see them now you're blind, they'll all be here working from home for the next months. So you won't have to die alone and scared, my Bob cat dear." She's the only one who heard and she asked me if a vet would help and I told her no, he's just old and his organs are starting to fail but he's not in pain and no medications could help - but that she still had several months to love him and cuddle with him and get the kids used to the idea.  And that's why I haven't yet met Chicken and Waffles - they waited for Bob to die before getting a young cat. And with everyone home, it made sense to finally get a dog -- Jack has been asking for a dog since he first learned to speak, lol. Which doesn't surprise me, given his love of them in his last life. (Jack was my grandfather in my last life, Monroe my great-great-aunt Rene. One of the nights I was babysitting while my sister and brother-in-law had date night, I was putting Monroe to bed while Matt & Amy kept Jack occupied (my sister has a theory that children under 10 should never outnumber the adults, just in case) Monroe told me, "Aunt Dani. I like that I got to watch over you when you were little and now you get to watch over me. That feels nice. And you remember me?" I smiled, "Of course I do Irene." She sighed happily, "Good because mommy doesn't. But I like that you do. It's our secret truth." then she fell asleep.

Like I said, my sister is an anti-spirituality anti-magic atheist scientist type, but she makes exceptions with me and what I say and don't say. She shrugs and says she doesn't believe in psychic gifts or anything but she's too much of an empiricist to dismiss what I say - when what I say offhandedly stops coming true, she'll stop taking that data seriously. 

She has gifts, but she suppresses and ignores them. Except being highly empathic and hearing other people's thoughts thinking them hers - but she says it's all subconscious observations forming intuition. Her kids have gifts too, we'll see if they accept them or suppress them as they grow up. I do help them with their gifts though, somebody sensitive needs to teach littles with gifts or gifts become a source of fear in people. My sister has already told me that Jack's issues with confrontation (he's a strong empath) made Frozen scary for him recently and she's hoping I can help hold him talk him through it and help him control it instead of it controlling him because being in the presence of confrontation and fights/conflicts with people you love/trust are unavoidable in all lives.  We're also going to have a Frozen 2 movie night while I'm there -- which I'm glad of. I prefer Frozen 2 over Frozen. 

I still have to pack and I'm spending lots of time with my own animals while I can. But I am excited to go see them all. Even if December is not a time I can garden for them, lol. (Our agreement is that their garden is like my second garden where I do the work putting all the plants in and they pay for everything and I promise not to get too upset when they or the landscapers who put down mulch for them accidentally kill my green babies I've put in for them. So it's my secondary garden away from home. And it's so gorgeous!!!)

 For the record: 

Ain't nothing he's got to do to be more attractive to me -- he pulls me toward him as irresistibly as the tide coming in. It isn't a lack of interest or desire for him that is keeping me away, keeping me from showing up to give him a chance. That's never been an issue with him. Never once. There's nothing and nobody I want for myself more than I want him. All he ever had to do was show up and let me know he wants to keep me in his life. That's it. That's all he ever had to do to get me to say -- tell me that it matters to him and is what he wants.

That's the unknown and unknowable as far as I'm concerned -- what he wants.

As far as the poisons stemming from the band and their Instagram account and how it was used to ostracize fans for honesty, that makes me want nothing to do with the band and/or those involved in creating and perpetuating the behavior.  I still want him -- but I don't choose to allow bullies in my life if I have any choice in the matter and I certainly won't extend them any affection or love because they prove they cannot be trusted with it.  It doesn't matter to me how they justify the bullying -- whether it's from anger or fear or rejection or aggressiveness or defensiveness or narcissism. Acts of intentional cruelty an perpetuating systems of inequality once you know they exist are major bullying red flags about a person or a clique's ethics.  So I want nothing to do with any band that will engage in clique-ish bullying, gaslighting, and refusal to take accountability for their own systems of inequality they created/perpetuate. I want him, but I want nothing to do with the band while it exists in a state of active bullying and is unwilling to do anything to rectify that or even acknowledge it's been going on. 

And I know that the band is important to him and central to his identity and his life -- if I want nothing to do with the band without this issue being acknowledged and the poisons from the bullying drawn out, then there is no place for me in his life when the band IS his entire life.  There simply isn't. I know that. Which is why my answer was to accept the fact that he doesn't care about the bullying and him taking active part in acts of bullying by his uses of the band's Instagram account AFTER being told about the ethics issue of that choice. It doesn't matter to him, which to me is a bigger red flag that he doesn't care about me and I don't belong in his life so long as he can rationalize and accept him behaving as the bully "you can't sit with us though everyone else can" ostracism system of inequality.

I may want him find him irresistible if given half a chance to see him -- but I also know that he's toxic for me as long as he doesn't care that he behaves and supports systems of inequality and bullying. He didn't create the system of inequality but when it was brought directly to his attention by me, he chose to ignore and gaslight and rationalize both its existence AND him being the one to take the active role in the acts of bullying via going live on the band's Instagram account. he chose for over a year and a half that he was not only able to rationalize the existence of the system of inequality but that his conscience didn't care about him taking the active role of cruelty and bully on a regular, weekly, basis. Those were his choices. The actions that created the ostracism for being honest and thus setup the system of inequality on the band's account were not his choices -- but the choice to sidestep his passive role in allowing the system of inequality to exist AND to choose to take an active role as bully enforcing the system of inequality IS about his choices. And it makes him toxic to me as long as he is any part of the dynamics that can rationalize and make palatable those choices and actions. He made himself toxic by his choices to rationalize and accept the defensiveness and bullying and systems of inequality created/perpetuated in the band's name. Only he can remove that toxicity by choosing to acknowledge and face it and heal it. That's not something I or anyone else can do for him to remove the toxicity of his choices within the group think dynamic.  Until that's done, I know he's toxic for me and so I am actively avoiding the temptation to ignore the toxicity because of the intensity of my own desire. Because I know this mess to be toxic and I know it can't be healed until the "antidote" is chosen of acknowledging it exists and fixing the inequality at the source and trying not to take part in acts of cruelty/bullying in the future. Without doing those steps of accountability, the toxicity and poison will still be there.  Him trying to make himself look better without dealing with the actual issue and source of the poison won't get him anywhere with me. Deal with the root cause if you desire to get anywhere with me. 

I'm the sort of person for whom nothing enticing or good can weigh more with me than whatever is toxic or poisonous.  I can't enjoy the music from ANY artist if I can't respect the individual(s) who created it AND I can't respect anyone who knowingly chooses toxic ethical behaviors. I've never been able to enjoy Howie Day songs since seeing the clearly underage girls his tour manager groomed from the audience/fans then escorted to his backstage for him at festivals because that was the sort he likes and more than one of them I saw him making out with post shows. To this day, I have a hard time and I get conflicted whenever I hear Collide between my old joy in the song and my disgust at the ethics of the creator of them. Mostly I just change the damn station at this point -- it's not worth making myself feel such deep disgust over his toxic ethics that the song's melody and poetry can't bring me joy.  It's not just them -- any ethical toxicity in the creators will cause me to lose joy from the creation. There's is at least a fixable ethics issue -- IF they choose the path of accountability and facing the ugly truths in the light rather than defensive rationalizations trying to hide what's done in their name on their official band Instagram account.

You can desire something and know it's toxic for you. Increasing the temptation of it won't make it stop being toxic to you. Only by acknowledging and neutralizing what's making it poisonous to you or choosing not to partake of it can keep it from poisoning you. It's not that I don't want him -- it's that I won't allow me to have him while he is the conduit of the poison that hasn't ever been acknowledged let alone cleansed. 

Also. Anyone can have toxic behavior patterns and be a source of toxicity to others at some point in their life. Everyone is guilty of falling into toxic patterns with someone at some point. Acknowledging them is the first step to breaking free from the cycles of repeating them. As long as you're defensive or rationalizing the toxic hurtful behavior patterns, the cycles will just keep recurring - within a life and across lifetimes. Only you can free you from your own toxic behaviors -- and even you can't do it without starting from the place of humility bringing the ugliness into the light and looking at it acknowledging it for what it is then choosing to fix it, clean it up, and not do it again. But that's always an individual matter -- it can never be externally imposed. Other people can hold the mirror up to you to show you the toxic behaviors, but only you can choose to see and acknowledge them instead of defending or rationalizing them.  

And sometimes, a person's part in the toxic behaviors is their choosing to be any part of the cycles repeating, being an enabler of the cycle's existence. I won't play with these toxic behaviors any longer -- to do so makes me complicit in the poisoning. If yo want to have anything to do with me, face the toxic behaviors and choose to acknowledge them and do something about them. Or go on with your life without having me in any way in it. I am removing myself from having any part in the toxic behaviors and cycles that have been created and perpetuated in the name of the collective Delta Rae.And I am striving to the point that hearing their name and being reminded of them doesn't make me feel hurt and disappointed in their actions, choices, and ethics. I'm not at apathy, I'm still very disappointed in them, but I am striving to work towards non-reaction, towards indifference. I've only been working at it for 3 years, less than that if you count the half year that I had hope that taking their fate into their own hands as their own management might allow them the out/means of cleaning up this toxic cycle of behaviors. 

I still desire him and desire him intensely and the temptation of that desire overwhelms me when I see him. But I also acknowledge the poison of the toxicity that's there and I'll not knowingly allow myself to be put in temptation's way. He doesn't need to make himself more attractive or desirable -- he needs to be willing to deal with the toxic behaviors/cycles/choices now integrally interwoven in the band's instagram account and the ethics of what's done in the band's name. That's the only antidote to this poison. No force of attraction or improbable synchronicities can be the antidote to this poison that has been introduced to all things related to the band or done in the band's name. The intese attraction and the synchronicities aren't any part of the poison after all -- so how could they be the antidote to the poison and the damage it's caused and will continue to cause? The only way to have me come back to give another chance to Delta Rae as a collective and to anything they create -- to face the toxic behaviors committed in their name and deal with them.

 For what it's worth, I've been trying my best to be as specific and cautious in my phrasing of my repeating mantra to try to make me accept the situation as it is while still wishing for him whatever it is he is seeking. I haven't forgotten my realization that as long as I don't know what he wants, me attempting to remove myself from his options may be the very last thing in the world he desires and may in fact block him from achieving the happiness he's seeking. I've not forgotten my realization of that possibility. 

So I'm not pushing him away or removing myself from his options. I've done that before and that's different. I'm not actively cutting myself off from him or trying to push him away when he reaches along the bond - not just because I selfishly want to feel his love and the way it rushes down the bond but also because if that's truly what he wants then I'll not stand in his way. And why would he reach for me along the bond if that wasn't at least in some part of him a love and desire he seeks and needs? 

But I'm also not willing to compromise my ethics to have what I selfishly desire and I know would make me happy. In the long run, compromised ethics would be soul crushing to me and my happiness would be temporary turn to dust and ash in my mouth if I tried to buy it at that price.  So I'm not going to lie to myself or him or anyone else -- truth is that things are unnecessarily difficult now and will remain so as long as the ethical issues exist within the band he has built his entire life around. It should have been easy, and it's really fucking complicated now due to the defensive bullying choices that were made in the name of the entire band from the official band Instagram account....and I wouldn't blame him (or anyone advising him) if they felt it would be easier for him to find someone else other than me. He has a lot going for him in every possible way, I'm sure there are plenty of hot women out there he could be with if he chose.  And I don't want to get in the way if that's his choice of paths to pursue.... I understand why that would be easier for him now. I don't want it, it makes me unhappy to even think about it as possible/probable, but I understand why he might choose it.

Balancing all that is hard, y'know? 

So my mantra and repeated intention is not to cut ties but to love him with an open hand on my end that doesn't claim him or try to hold him to me so that if he decides he wants to go I can release him from any ties to me. And to repeat to myself the core of my desires for him as best I've clarified it, "I wish for Eric that he find the happiness he seeks on the life path he's walking and that when he knows what that is, may he find the courage and means to claim it and make it his own." 

That's the best I can think to do by him right now in the current situation. If I listened only to my heart, I'd just go to him and insist nothing matters besides fixing things so we can get it right in this life. But I can't do that when the biggest things in his life have made it clear that I am an undesirable to be ostracized from having anything to do with them -and I can respect or disrespect that boundary but still it was created and enforced. I choose to respect the boundaries not of my making or maintaining, even though I find them galling and hurtful and unfair.

What else would you have me do in this situation that would be respectful to everyone's choices and the consequences/options those choices created? 

I don't like this answer, but I don't see a better one available to me. I'm trying to be as fair as possible given all the dynamics involved.... Find me a better answer that does right by him and respects all the choices that have brought us to this juncture and I'll take it. This is just the best answer I can see from among the choices I currently have to choose between. There could be some I'm not seeing and there are ways my options for choices are changed -- but this is the kindest and best for him that I can see right now. Give me a better choice and I'll take it, this is just the fairest and best I can currently see....

Dios mio, how is it already 11:30?! I'm going to finish this last of my coffee then go put a shirt on over my cami and take my dog on a walk -- because she was sleepy didn't want to go before I showered and breakfasted and now my hair is dry enough to go outside with her.  And then whenever we get back from our walk, I think I'll put up my Yule tree. I've been meaning to for about a week now ever since I took out the holiday boxes to get out my menorah and candles and Channukah mugs. Just haven't done it yet. I wanted to get my kitchen cabinet reorganizing done to put away the pots from my grandma downsizing that are nicer than mine. I finally got my kitchen mostly back in order and now I need to get my tree up and all the ornaments on it, damnit!