I think I managed to unlock a whole new level of peak Libra sun with Pisces rising today 😂 

Also,  if you don't just miss my face and you've been missing my overthinking and crazy stories,  you're just gonna have to keep missing me.  Life's been coming at me fast and everything's piling up at once again.  It literally took the entire drive to Art Institute (including downtown Chi traffic) to tell Crissy the story of my "weird but good" Thursday and then my parents creating excessive unnecessary drama of their own making that just left me completely emotionally/energetically shot....  

But on the bright side, after the 8am vet visit for my cat and dog, I now have 10:30am plans to meet up with my cousin Sabra and cousin-niece Vivian on Friday at the zoo to see the new baby otters!!!! I haven't seen Sabra and Viv since before covid shut everything down AND I haven't met the baby otters yet!!! 

Anyway, I've got to run to take my dog to get her summer cut (FINALLY!! It was a very long wait from when I called til getting her in and if not today wouldn't be able to get her in until after July 4) and then taking my grandma to get her hair cut.  Then dropping my grandma with my parents to babysit her (which will be fun given how stressed they are today,  especially with our database crashed post server updates) while I go pick up my dog who will be kenneled until I can get yo her,  but my parents were not keen on me leaving grandma at her haircut to quickly pick up my dog... And my uncle doesn't want to drive over to have dinner with grandma on his day to do it so I was asked to take her to early dinner which means I might not be able to get my dog by the time they close if I wait til after getting grandma settled.... 

But anyway,  my dog is so excited for her summer cut to go from shaggy teddy bear to emo puppy face!!!  We've been counting the tomorrows down for nearly a week and she's been impatient for me to take her since sunrise when it changed from tomorrow to today.  😂 

P. S. In vase you've never seen it before, this is my "fuck around and find out" face 

P. P. S.  In classic Mercury retrograde fashion,  one of my exes emailed me out of the blue middle of last night. (he's in France, so it was his morning)  Haven't read it yet.  This is the ex that my dog accidentally set me up with at an outdoor symphony picnic at Concerts on the Square when the people behind us were speaking in "our secret language" that only I and the French news use so she excitedly had to meet them.  He was a 30 year old former war correspondent investigative journalist who changed careers to teach English at a lycée in Marseilles and who was here taking his kids for their live-in family foreign exchange summer project.  But it's been like 6 or 7 years since I last talked to Philippe and the subject line is "A million years ago" So your guess about his email is as good as mine. 😂 Also,  the relationship never had any serious issues except that he didn't handle long term long distance without the physical well and I couldn't just re-locate to France and e couldn't get a longterm visa for here. And also yeah I know,  I have an ex named Philippe Le Breton (not the elderly politician, though they're related he mentioned once)  from Marseilles that my dog set me up with - and to make it even more cliche, he also recited me French poetry from memory (Lamartine's Le Lac) beneath a full moon sitting with our feet in Devil's Lake while a high school violinist serenaded us their practice Bach sonata right before our first kiss.  I guess that's also pretty peak Libra sun Pisces rising for a first kiss,  lol. 

As I've said,  I admit my own cliches. But even for me,  that was one of my "Sooooo where are the sitcom cameras? Is this even real life?!" moments for me.  it was so improbable a date and first kiss, even in my life.... So that's been done before if reciting me poetry in French while sitting by a lake under the full moon with violin music softly playing was your plan.

 Different days,  I channel different past lives of mine.  This morning, I woke up and after showering/meditating my reflection took me back nearly 3,000 years ago to my Greek lives....  

It be like that some times, y'know? 

Or maybe you don't - I suppose not everyone remembers their past lives enough to wear them on their face.  

Also.  Yeah I know.  Green eyes,  long curls,  pale skin, improbable curves, and ridiculous cheekbones - just dress me up in purple and call me Megara.  😂  Can't help genetics, and then mix in the past life memories and more than a little sarcastic caustic wit and yeah,  I know. Even I see my own cliches on days like this.  😂 Why did you think I use hipster Belle as my avi for google and twitter?  I know my own cliches I can't escape of me.  Might as well embrace them and mock them - because no amount of fighting them as a kid ever freed me of them. 

Off to Chicago to see the Monets at the Art Institute now!!!!!  😁  Well.  Picking up Crissy,  gas, Starbucks,  and dropping off my dog (post Starbucks to get her her promised puppacino) and then headed to Chicago and the Monet exhibit!  😁 

P. S. 8:18am addendum:  OMG this has been one thing after another slowing me down.  Still haven't even Starbucksed yet because Crissy's hairspray gave me instant headache with the windows opened,  so she offered to rewash her hair and just put it up while I got gas and took headache meds.  I felt awful about it but she insisted because "Dani,  if the smell of it gives you a headache,  today won't be any fun" and I was just like, "I.  Yeah.  If it's this bad with windows open,  I will probably not be able to drive on the highway with windows closed."

 Things are moving so fast right now with my grandma,  my heart has whiplash.  Not just with her deteriorating mental state and lack of care for her physical medical needs but also with the push me pull me family politics between the siblings over how best to deal with it.  

I just got off the phone with my Aunt Linda who wanted to apprise me that she'd sent me an email with the family concerns and mu Uncle Chris (the radiologist) who is concerned about the chronic blood clots found in the ultrasound and lack of a treatment plan for those.  I'm supposed to also ask for a short cognitive function test at the appointment today as well.  My aunt did thank me for everything I do,  she even said, "You're the only one of the grandkids stepping up to help at all.  And you're doing more than some of her own kids.  And I want to make sure you know how appreciated it is."  She also said that if I didn't mind, she'd appreciate it if I continued to be the one taking her to the appointments since grandma's been good with me sitting in talking to the doctors and because it's better for the sibling politics.  (if you think I'm overly honest and opinionated,  you should meet everyone on my dad's side of tbe family,  lol.  I'm generally as diplomatic as possible without bending the truth.  They're all brutal and forceful combative in their honesty and opinions. And 4 siblings makes ties frequent in getting a consensus via voting for my grandma's care decisions.)

But my aunt and I generally get along and understand each other.  Even with the split opinions on what's best for grandma.  She has today's appointment, her haircut next week, a therapy followup about her lymphedema the week after, then a week with no appointments (last week of June/first week of July is actually completely empty in my calendar until July 7), then her dental fillings, then a geriatric memory appointment while my sister is in town, then a glaucoma appointment,  and then it's August.  Basically at least one a week for me to take her to and get her to eat something with me.  

But, right now there's nothing whatsoever in my calendar (for me or my grandma) from June 25-July 6!!!

I'm glad I don't have to navigate the sibling politics though... I love all of them,  but they all have intensely strong personalities. I've said since middle school everyone in my family are quirky distinct characters,  not just typical ordinary people, and I stand by that. Not a passive or people pleasing or unopinionated one in the mix...  Which makes it hard when everyone has the best intentions possible but different ideas of how achieving it looks and every one of them thinks they're right and thus any plan besides their own is wrong. 

Oy.  Welp.  Only way out is through.  At least I'd already breakfasted,  coffee-ed, and cleaned the dishes before my aunt called... Time to go get dressed for today (in bright happy colors as those are easiest for grandma to see me with her glaucoma and follow me around leading her like a little duckling.  A very slow duckling in a walker easily distracted by flowers,  lol.  Then to work to hang out with the 16 year old a bit before heading to grandma's for lunch and the 2pm appointment. Then back to work and some planting/gardening til sunset.  

 Look, I'm not TRYING to be difficult nor am I trying to self-sabotage by making mountains out of molehills. And I most certainly don't WANT any chance for things to work out this life between Eric and me to fail before even begun.

It's just that there are things a person can compromise on and things that you can blink an eye look the other way at, and then there are things you can't. You can compromise on food choices and you can look the other way at personal quirks/idiosyncrasies that are endearing (when they don't drive you crazy) however you can never compromise honesty nor can you look the other way at issues of integrity. 

And I realize that not everything is entirely black and white when it comes to ethics in the real world... The real world is often full of messy "do your best with the options available but all your options pretty much suck" situations.  But exclusion and bullying and acts of intentional cruelty are among the very black and white issues in ethics.  There's no justification for them. Another black and white ethics issue is if a person is rationalizing or lying about things to protect yourself from others seeing you as at fault....It's not like anyone's life or safety is at risk by being honest, only pride and ego. 

I can understand peer pressure is a thing that a lot of people succumb to and some people have almost no willpower against it. But it can't be used to excuse or rationalize following someone else's lead when their lead is cruel or an act of bullying. It can help you understand why you did it, but it doesn't excuse your active part in it or why you'd be allowing it to continue rather than stopping it.

*shrugs* For me it's all a very clear cut issue of ethics. It's not personal at this point beyond disappointment in what it says about character and the broken trust it generated. But it also can't be fixed by ignoring it -- only by acknowledging it and facing it. 

Does it upset me? Yes. Does the trajectory of this all break my heart? Yes. Does that change any of how I can handle this situation and the consequences of it without compromising my ethics? No. Is this how I want things to be? No.

As I have told you, this isn't a path of my choosing...But here we are... And I'll not lie to myself or anyone else about it.  That's not who I am. Is a liar the sort of person you want to be or the sort of person you could ever truly respect? 

I haven't written here about anything related to Eric since realizing that it was wrong of me to try to convince myself that it doesn't hurt him as badly as me when I push him away. And reason I reconsidered that is the way that bonds/strings work.  There hasn't been much more to say about it, tbh.  I acknowledge that he's hurt worse than I tried to make me believe and I hate that.  (which was probably a subconscious basis for me desiring to believe the lie.) I really hate knowing I'm a source of hurt to him. But I'll not continue to lie to me about it now that I've realized. I don't have to like it, but I won't lie to me about it any longer.  Even if I really don't like it....after all I dislike hurting people, especially people I care about.  I only do it when the other options end up hurting them worse than what hurts right now -- the way a hard truth hurts but not as much as lying would hurt because eventually the hard truth will out and then there's the pain of betrayed trust in having been lied to as well as the pain in the hard truth. So the hard truth is always better -- though how gently or harshly you deliver it is up to the bearer of the difficult truths.

But the real reason it doesn't matter is because materially, factually, ain't a damn thing changed. There's still nothing he can create or do with the band so long as the band continues to be guilty of ostracism and bullying via their official band Instagram account. And I will continue to push him away and want nothing to do with him and will fight him like a hellcat to block him from reaching me via the bond when he chooses to take an active part in the bullying from the band's Instagram account (*cough* such as Wednesday nights *cough*)  I have no patience for people who act as bullies or are intentionally cruel or are complicit in the cruelty of others -- and that's what he does whenever he chooses to be involved on the band's Instagram account and it will always be that way so long as that account has fans blocked for having been honest that the country music was affecting them negatively and would stop them attending future Delta Rae shows.

Acts of intentional cruelty and bullying others (even if you're only being a bully because of systems other people setup that you're just taking part in and/or allowing to continue) are not something I will ever condone from ANYONE. And I don't care if it's race based bullying, if it's sexual orientation based bullying, if it's anti-intellectual bullying, if it's cyber bullying, if it's body image bullying, or if it's like in this case where it's bullying born from the defensiveness of refusing you could have done something wrong even when you did. No matter how you rationalize and try to justify your acts of bullying, you're the guilty party for it and you are a cruel person inflicting cruelty on another by separating an us and them not allowing people to be part of things and intentionally continuing to do so.  And it doesn't MATTER to me if your excuse is "I didn't create this, I'm just doing what I have to within the group/team I'm part of" -- it doesn't work any better here for going live on the band's account than it defended the Nazis or Apartheid or Don't Ask Don't Tell. Bullying and exclusion are always wrong. Always and always.  Membership in a group and/or loyalty to a group do not excuse an individual taking part in actions that create or contribute to exclusion or bullying or cruelty to others.  And you'll never convince me otherwise nor will you ever get a pass for it when you are complicit in taking part in a system of exclusion, ostracism, and bullying. And he takes an active part in it EVERY fucking week by going live on the band's account where the band blocked fans for having been honest about how the band's choices were going to affect them as a fan -- and that's on him and his choices and he can expect no chances with me while he's guilty of that.  he's the one blocking his own shot and destroying his own chances.  Not because I blame him for creating this situation on the band's Instagram account, but because he continues to be complicit in acts of bullying even after having been told so he knows about why it's morally wrong and the wrong that was done by the band in the band's name on that Instagram account.

It doesn't really much matter how much I love him and want him or how I acknowledge that he hurts as deeply as me when there's distance between us or one of us pulls away from the other.... Because that's not what the current mess of things is about.  It's about issues of ethics, of acts of intentional cruelty and bullying and his part in them -- and why as long as that is true and happening from the band's Instagram account and he continues to take part in it, there's simply no present and no future between us because I cannot stay silent nor forgive continuing acts of intentional cruelty and bullying.  It got me in trouble a damn lot in middle school and high school and college -- but I don't regret any time I stood up for someone against a bully no matter the consequences. And without fixing it, there's nothing that the band can create or do that will get a positive reaction from me and there's no time I won't push him away and refuse to let him reach me while he takes an active role in the bullying on the band' Instagram account.

I guess I just now do so recognizing that he hurts when I'm forced to block the connection between us as much as I do when I feel I have to do it. I'll not knowingly lie to myself about that, now that I recognize it. But my ethics are uncompromising on this and they're not going to alter in this life or any life of mine. I have no patience and no compassion for a bully and never will. If he chooses to be a bully and take part in the bullying system of exclusion others created and rationalize it however he chooses he can make that choice because free will gives him the right to make that choice -- but I won't pretend to myself or anyone else there aren't and won't be consequences of that choice and that I won't react to it the way that my ethics require me to react to such choices. 

*shrugs* So what is there for me to have said recently about it? What's changed materially? All that's changed is me better understanding that we both hurt when I do what I must in response to choices made in his name as a part of the band and the choices he personally makes rationalized in the name of the band. This isn't anything of my choosing, but I can't make their choices for them nor can I fix this because that's something only someone in the band or representing the band with access to their Instagram can do to even start the process of fixing what got broken here. But my ethics don't allow for me coddling bullies or calling exclusion and acts of cruelty anything but what they are. And if I made an exception for someone I loved, I wouldn't love them too damn much by letting them be an awful human who knowingly does wrong to hurt others, now would I? I'd just be another fucking enabler and sycophant. And of all the things I am and have ever been, I've never been an enabler nor have I been a sycophant. I will demand growth to be better than you have been and I will never stop presenting the hard truths that need to be faced to make things better. That's who I am. And you shouldn't expect anything else from me. if I can see the injustice or cruelty in your actions and choices, I will call you on it even if the choice to be different than you have been is your choice to make. As it always has been. Always.

You can't have me without me being true to myself and the way I am. And that means honesty even when it's hard and the difficult truths and not bending my ethics to condone acts of knowing cruelty and bullying -- no matter the convolutions of logic you used so you've self-justified or rationalized what you do. I will cut through those rationalizations every time and call it what it is. I'd rather die on a pyre for the truth than live complicit in what I know to be wrong. And I say that as someone who has made that choice in a past life and knows exactly what I'm saying when I say I'd make that choice.  That hasn't changed about me, not in all these lifetimes. To expect anything different from me is to ask me to betray who and what I am and what makes me lovable or hateful or sometimes just really fucking frustrating. To expect it is to ask me to deny the esse of me. And that isn't something I'd compromise for anyone nor allow anyone to betray about their own nature on my watch. Nor would I ever respect anyone who asked that sort of betrayal of me or anyone else.

So. Since nothing about the situation has actually changed nor have I seen signs from Eric or anyone involved in the band of changing the wrong they are guilty of every day and every hour and every minute since October 2018.... What is there for me to write here about it?  I'm sorry he hurts. But his hurting is a cause and effect result of his past/present choices, his sister's past/present choices, and the past/present choices made in the name of the entire band. What any of their future choices are is up to them -- but nothing changes here if they keep making the same damn choices and keep rationalizing exclusion and acts of bullying.

Now, I'm going back to watching Big Bang Theory (I'm still in season 2 will probably start season 3 over the weekend if not tonight -- half hour episodes are super short without ads) and inputting. Tomorrow I have to take my grandma to lunch and an afternoon doctor's appointment and then I'll be in the garden planting some new green babies and weeding and watering everything until sunset around 8:30ish.  And then working til I head home. But I intend to head home early and go to bed early. Because Friday I need to be up and functional early to drive to Chicago to go to the Art Institute and the Monet in Chicago exhibit before it leaves (so the Obama portraits exhibit can come -- super excited for that announcement when it was made!)  Saturday will be Farmer's Market and then more gardening/watering to finish out my hours and because in this heat I need to water the garden at least every other day if not every day. 

P.S. I have a new favorite woodworking joinery account that I found a few days ago!!! ( I follow a lot of carpenters and woodworking on my Instagram.  I love pretty woodwork so much!)  It's very intricate some of the joinery he does, Mohsen Rezai  gets the patterns so precise (I don't know if he uses a laser or computer controlled or does it by hand, though with the complexity of some of them, I'd guess laser/computer) and then he just uses a simple mallet once they're lined up to fit the pieces together. The finished look of the joins is so beautiful!!!!

 So far it's been a productive quiet morning for me.  If productive and quiet can comingle.  A healthy balance of getting things done and relaxing and self-care and taking care of my fur babies and green babies: 

~Showered me and my dog

~Finished my most recent Tarzan book (#12) 

~Took the dog on an hour and a half long walk (it's the time of year she can only go on walks in early mornings and late evenings to not overheat as she's still a shaggy teddy bear muppet and earliest to get her shorn to a summer cut is next Tuesday.... And even once she's shaved, I don't like making her cross black top roads/trails when it's over 75F and no shade because the heat can burn her paw pads. Even white sidewalk cement in the sun can burn paw pads on dogs once it's over 87F)

~Made coffee and breakfast. Then consumed it. Also hard boiled some eggs to bring to work for salads while I was making my omelet.

~watered all my at home plants (I currently only have 25 here,  so less impressive than it sounds - I'm limited by needs to winter inside, only morning light, and needs to be more or less non-toxic to my cat since he likes to chew on them) 

~scheduled/rescheduled several appointments (including annual vet visit) 

Now I'm just chilling on my balcony reading and drinking tea til I decide to go to work/garden.

I did find BOTH of these gems together in a free little library on our morning walk today!!! 

The Enlightenment is one of my favorite European eras, and I'm excited at the themes for how these Norton edition history books are looking at it!!! 1250+ pages on the Enlightenment and I definitely have a date at some point in the future!! They're also like $22 each full price, so scoring them for free from a little library just saved me the $30 or so at a used bookstore or nearly $50 new I'd have spent if I'd found them somewhere else! 

Also.  I forgot to share all my beautiful new rock/crystal acquisitions from Geoscapes and now they're scattered all over my flat.  But here's my newest marble and jade polar bear!!  (and some documentation of how polar bears are taking over my piano,  but everyone agrees that somehow seems perfect for me!)  

There's also a gray carved soapstone Andean bear with blue eyes between the cardinal lantern and Lady Justice, but he's rather hard to see

Also on the subject of polar bears, I set my coffee mug down on the counter and realized I might have a slight obsession here. 😂 We won't call it a problem, because it's not a problem in my eyes.  Just an awful lot of polar bears around here,  lol. 

This is one of my favorite mugs of all time and I'm tempted to buy a second from Henry Vilas Zoo while they still have them in stock. That's my newest water bottle from Detroit Zoo (I have an older black and white polar bear one from them at work) which I love for gardening,  hikes/walks, and driving in the car because 1) flip up straw so I can use no matter how muddy my hands are or when I need to keep my eyes on the road and at least one hand on the wheel 2) they're well designed keep the water super cold even outside in 90F and sunny and 3) polar bears.  The plate I found at a thrift shop decided that I $3 needed it.  The words are not yet glued on, but my only other decorative plate is a grumpy Victor Hugo I received as a house warming gift in college and has "screw you" from my magnetic poetry collection glued to it. (My magnetic poetry collection is a mix of Shakespeare, suggestive naughty, and squirrel sets.) So it's now my thing with any decorative plates - I'm just not 100% certain this is what I want for the bear... I'll figure it out eventually.  Until then,  he sits on my counter trying on different phrases. 

I decided that I desperately needed to laugh at things that are mindless but intelligent and situationally awkward af funny tonight because life has just been very overwhelmingly a lot lately. And then I remembered that The Big Bang Theory is on HBOMax and I'd only ever watched it haphazardly, catch as catch can whenever I noticed it was on.  I've seen most of the episodes, just not chronologically or with any regularity. Therefore I decided it was time for a binge watch of all of it in order. 

This was definitely the absolute right choice in all the universes of choices! Because the science nerds and Penny are facets of my character that I'm always trying to get along inside my personality and how I navigate the world.  Eternally curious evidence based seeking with a photographic memory born from teaching myself to use my eidetic memory to compensate for my adhd (and latent ocd that manifests whenever I'm stressed) but born with the genetics that hit puberty to turn into curves like Jessica Rabbit super intuitive girly with strong spiritual gifts and all, lol.

I'm still in the first season of my binge watch of Big Bang Theory, but honestly I don't remember last time I have laughed this hard!!! 

P.S. I also know (and have known) nerds like all the types depicted in the show among my friends.  Just different combinations of the various traits.

 So I only just got around to finally making myself an omelet because I got terribly ill from pork poisoning on Friday and then slept for like 15 hours on Saturday after the dry heaving stopped.  (remember the gummy bears I said were about all I ate on Friday followed by a little cheese and bread? Well,  Sarah had told me they were all made in Turkey (where they only use bovine gelatin) and she'd checked them before buying so I trusted her didn't check and then assumed that the internal bleeding was from cross contamination with bacon at the Culver's.  However on Friday, after eating all those gummy bears in the early afternoon then finishing them up after taking my grandma home I started retching horribly like I'd eaten pork.  But all day was,  tea,  coffee,  gummy bears, the prepackaged Snicherdoodle from Noodles, a dozen cheese curds, a chunk of bread, and more gummy bears.  I checked the bag from the gummy bears, and it definitely said "made in Germany" (where they use porcine gelatin) right on the bag.... I left it with a note on Sarah's desk that I appreciated the thought of her buying them for the play, but in the future I'd rather mo gummies than a mistake like this that made me vomit for hours.) 

 So I didn't make breakfast yesterday as I was sleeping after the retching bout from the pork.  But I held down bread and strawberries and tea last night so I figured I could have an omelet and coffee this morning after taking the dog on her walk! it was so much better for waiting the day!! Because I had Spring onions and crimini mushrooms and fresh arugula for it!!  (Crissy still went to Farmer's Market without me and picked me up things she knew I'd buy me and then brought them to me after I woke up and texted her.  Because she's an awesome bestie like that!)  So this morning I had crimini mushrooms,  carrots,  arugula,  and spring onions sauteed with butter,  olive oil, herbes de provence, and horseradish then finished with balsamic vinegar in an omelet with gouda cheese! And a French press of coffee to go with it,  lol. 

Now,  finishing up the laundry I didn't finish on Friday with all the craziness (grandma's culture from her leg came back positive for a massive staph infection,  she starts antibiotics today - so me dropping everything to take her to urgent care after the abortive 4hrs she and my father spent waiting unseen at the ER actually bore good fruit.)   Then to go buy some flowers on sale then gardening at work til sundown after which I'll be watering all my indoor plants then doing some clerical inputting/alphabetizing/filing.  

That's today's plan,  Mercury retrograde willing!  😉

 Okay. I definitely should have considered the flip side construction, that me trying to let go could actually be getting in the way of the happiness he seeks. Not just out of the fairness of considering both sides of an argument. But also. The more I think about it,  the more I don't think that such a deep soul bond could ever actually be a one way pull.  How would that even make any sense? 

It's like saying if you pull a string of negligible mass, the force of that tension is felt only on one side of the string.... That's not how tension and force work in physics... The tension is felt on both ends and all along the length of it equally. It'll break where there's a flaw, but the tension is the same amount of force at every point along the string. The pull is felt equally at every point along the string, always. Why would spiritual energy or whatever word you want to call it in the metaphysics connecting two objects be different than stored kinetic force connecting between two objects ? It's all just potential stored energy, that's all tension and force in any form ever are. Which means that by this frame of principles, the force I feel pulling my side of the bond is equal all along it -- including how it pulls within him.  

I probably ought to have considered that if the pull is felt equally all along the length of a cord attached between two separate objects, then as intensely as I feel the pull and tension of the bond, the soul on the other feels it as strongly as I do.

I don't have an excuse for not thinking of it that way until just now... I just never had considered it until tonight.   The closest I have for explaining why I never really thought it would hurt anyone but me for me to try to sacrificially pull away from him is fear, that I fear the possibility of me causing harm where I wouldn't want to. I fear that by being selfish that would cause hurt or keep him from what he wants. Which, fear is validly a thing, and I generally have an aversion and fear of me being the cause of hurt to people I love. And also, I think I have a deep fear in me of it only running one direction, that only I feel it -- and I tend to deal with fear by facing it down staring at it. And how do you do that about fear that you care deeply about someone who doesn't feel the same way? Only by examining things as if that's true... Doesn't make it true, but in accepting it as a possible premise you give some level of credence to it subconsciously.  Staring into the monster you may become the monster sort of thing-- by staring too long into what you fear, you come to believe the fear to be true.  So both my reasons I can come up with are about fear inside me. But I don't think fear excuses me (or anyone) in forming assumptions that undermine a belief in another person's capacity to feel something as deeply as you yourself do. You must always believe in the capacity of another living being to feel all the range of emotions with equal intensity to your own capacity - anything less leads away from acting from a place of compassion.

That was wrong-headed of me to assume. And I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for having made the assumption and I'm sorry for the damage that I did acting with that assumption. I will do my best to do better in the future.

And for now, I'm going to work on (re)teaching myself that like any spring attaching two objects, the tension is the same all along it and however deeply and intensely I feel the pull of it, it's felt all along the bond and especially in him. And when I pull away, rather than just creating hurt in me by increasing the tension inside me without it affecting him, I'm also hurting him to the same extent as the pain and tension it causes me.  Same as if he were to pull away from me. 

I ought to have been afraid that me trying to pull away let him go was causing him as much distress and tension as it creates inside me. And I didn't. I never even considered. And that is my fault, and mine alone.

It's obvious af in physics, even without the equations. (Though if you want the equations to prove the net force, I can do that.) I don't know why I didn't realize until now it must also hold true in the metaphysics. I'm sorry I hadn't thought of the connection that way. I genuinely feel horrible for the pain I caused by thinking it would only affect me and my side of the bond,  to only hurt me to try to pull away from him.  rather than moving closer to him to relieve the tension in the connection.

I need to work on clearing out that fear in me and replace it with acknowledging the most basic physics about how tension/pulling along a connection works that the force is the same throughout the entire string/spring/connection. That's for me to do.

It doesn't address any of the mess that needs healing, but it does still need to be worked on in me and my assumptions because if I don't work on it, then allowing the assumption to stay is going to cause me to continue hurting him by thinking I'm "saving" him from hurt by taking the hurt upon me. 

I'll work on it. Promise.

But now after having my physics epiphany of why my unexamined counterargument and the assumption underlying it was wrong, I'm heading home and straight to bed after feeding the fur babies. I'm tired. It's been a very long emotional day.

But I'm going to work on this in me -- because I think there's a lot that I've contributed to making things messier and more painful by me assuming that he didn't feel the bond and the pull of it the same as me.... By trying to save him from pain by pulling away putting it on me, I was causing him more pain because of how tension along a cord works. 

I think we both have (re)learning and work to do on recognizing the ways that our actions/choices can cause pain to the other given the bond. And unfortunately (or probably fortunately) this is the only old soul bond this strong and full of power and love that I have so I cannot compare it to any of my other empath bonds or karmic bonds. They aren't this strong and powerful and full of energy and tension -- and the others are all cords that can be cut if the karma is balanced out. Only this one is different and it has been different across lifetimes after all.. This is one that doesn't fray and only grows stronger, not weaker, the more energy is put into it.

But I'm going to work on this in me (I may go a bit silent while I turn inward to work on it) since this is for me to work on about my own past assumptions and mistakes. Just, first I'm going to sleep, k? Will work on this realization after sleep. Because my body is rally tired. It was a long and emotionally exhausting day.

P.S. There's a small but noticeable flaw in my iolite ring I bought in Paw Paw MI because I loved the pattern on the ring and the stone is a beautiful wine dark sea color. And initially, the flaw bugged me but then Mikaela told me she felt it gave it more character for the flaw in the gem. Which I agreed with her and then I as studying it more and I decided that I actually love that little flaw because it reminds me of a single bright star in a midnight sky, like a little north star hidden in the ring I bought because it reminded me of ancient seas. I don't have a name for this ring yet, but I will figure it out. It's been living quite constantly on my right ring finger since I got home and was able to put the braided ring away.

 O, what do I want for myself? You mean other than to see Eric have the happiness he's seeking? You mean just for me selfishly?  Well I thought that was obvious.  I want to be as integral to his happiness as he is to mine and to have us figure out building our lives together, wherever and whatever form that takes in this life.  There is not a single night or day of my life that I don't wish I could wrap my arms around him and feel his wrapped around me, feeling I was home right there. 

That's it -- that's the only thing I selfishly desire in this modern world. I've never had a set career just things I like to do and I'm good at and when i decided I didn't desire to go to med school because I would never feel comfortable practicing medicine under the American "health care" system because it wasn't designed to allow me to help heal people and teach them how not to break, I just decided I'd wander and serve as hand of Fate wherever needed until I found something I felt worth building my life around. So that's what I've been doing -- I have a job to pay the bills and other than that I wander and in my wandering I clean up a lot of malicious lingering unincarnated souls and cleanse spaces with energetic scarring.  (the only malevolent spirits I don't force back into the cycle of souls or off this plane are Native American spirits and shamans -- they have a right to be pissed af and to demand justice for what occurred. And I don't cleanse massacre sites are places where the heaviness and the history of it must be remembered so it won't be repeated.  But that's what I do with all my wandering for concerts and to visit friends/family, I move along stuck spirits that are ready to move on or are causing malice to incarnated souls and I help accelerate healing/learning lessons in people who find me and are willing to do the hard work of facing themselves til they can live in the Delphic mantra, "Know thyself."  But I mean, I can do that by some other medium than traipsing off to whatever random concerts pique my interest and then exploring whatever places are heaviest or draw me to them because it's time to cleanse them -- that's just the way I've been doing it for the last 15 years or so. 

But for myself selfishly? There are many things that I like and I enjoy. But there's only one thing I've ever wanted -- the rest is all just wandering to fill my time with whatever I find beautiful or interesting.

The only thing is, I'm not particularly good at selfishness, I'm much better at self-martyring. And so I don't want to have hi at any price. For me, to have him but at the price of it blocking him from whatever happiness he seeks for himself or for me to make him a lesser version of himself than he could/should be, well that would be worse than never finding him at all or forcing myself to let him go even at this point.

I think. If I'm fully honest with myself. There's a part of me that is afraid that if I cling too tight to what I want, the way the Universe spoils me with whatever I want means that I might end up blocking him from what he wants by asking for what I want.... And I'd rather force me to open my hand let go where I most want to be holding on and saying, "No. This, this I want to be mine." 

I suppose I should have the opposite fear as well, that in my making me let go of him rather than hang onto him and fight like hell to make mine what I want, that I might be taking from him the very opportunity for him to have the happiness he chooses and is seeking. But I don't. I've never even considered that until just now, right this moment. I'm only afraid that my selfishness might block him from having what he would choose for himself, never that my selflessness is what might be keeping him from what he wants. I don't know that I've ever much thought of it that way though, I guess it just seems to me that since he doesn't lack for other options so why would I be what he wants?

But for myself. There's only one thing in all the world I selfishly want for myself, and it's the only I've ever wanted. Everyone and everything else is just filling time while waiting. Always has been. 

I thought that was always obvious about me. Was it not?

 Awww,  now I specifically said improbable, not impossible, love.  And there are many improbable things I've set my heart on in this life and seen no way to make real -- yet somehow they do happen.  I have full faith there's a way through,  what I lack is faith that way will be chosen or seeing any reason I should try yet again when ain't nobody willing to meet me part way for my efforts to clear out what's toxic and start things healing. 

But that doesn't mean there isn't a way - just means I don't see it.  And those are two very different things.  

It all hinges upon what he desires for his happiness he chooses this life - and the choices he makes to try and get there.  That's about his own free will, and all free will is sacrosanct.  There are very few rules I won't bend my way around - but the sanctity of a soul's free will is one I keep inviolate and won't profane in any life of mine.  And the happiness he chooses for himself is up to his free will desires and choices. And well,  I don't know what that is that he wants.  I want him to have it, but I don't know what it is so I don't know how to help him get there. I only have his own words and actions and choices as sign posts of what he sets his heart on.  

And as for my precogs...  All I see for him and for me are the possible fatelines - I won't have any better guidance than that until a choice is made that sets a particular fateline as the course.  And the coin's still in the air,  actually, nothing's yet chosen.  Everything is pretty much still on the table - happy endings and tragic endings all flickering in the could bes.  It's just a matter of choices yet to be made to know which fateline becomes the story.  And even I only see them as potentials until choices are made that determine which one will manifest.  

I ain't seen shit that promises anything or removes anything yet.  And I have no idea how this coin will land - it's not my choices will decide it. Even Cassandra only ever saw things once the choices were made to set those futures in motion. Free will has to have its say, and THEN the precog knows which fatelines are chosen (and whether it's an immutable precog or a contingent one -- whether the fate must be accepted or there's still some room to shift a pebble and change the course.)

I do have faith a way exists though, just depends on the choices people make... And my choices... The only choice I see that I have is standing firm on the ethics and the honesty or bending them. And if I bend them, there genuinely ain't no happy endings and no good outcomes for either of us. Trust me, I've trawled through all the fatelines. I can't make his choices for him, but I can make mine. And I will at least remove the bad fates where I don't stay honest and true to the ethics at the heart of this and knowing what's needed for foundational cornerstones for anything healthy to grow.

So that's what I'm doing. It's all I'm doing. Even if it's a stoic self-martyring path I hate and that breaks my heart in how it plays out, it's still better than the fates where I decide not to stand by honesty and accountability as mandatory for anything healthy to grow.

But what he chooses. Now that is what all the fate lines hinge on you know. Me all I have to do is stay steadfast loyal in my love and my ethics and watch the fallout of the choices other people make and whether they pass or fail. And that will determine which fate lines I get to choose form on the other side of his choices... .  

I'm gonna go watch the short WB3 impromptu evening ig livestream I missed while helping my grandma now though. (They save them all to igtv, which I appreciate.) Haven't had a drink yet, only got back from her place at 7:30 so I was with her for over 6.5 hours. Nothing went according to plan as expexcted, but I did get bonus slice of key lime pie (real key lime pie) which is one of my forever favorites for my "lunch" so there's that! It was a good but weird day and I'm heartsick over my grandma's deteriorating mental condition in recent weeks...Twice today she couldn't even remember her own birth date...but she was sweet and docile as a little duckling just following me about everywhere, my sweet sparrow grandma.   But that's for another post and another time.

But anyway, me being honest about where I'm at now within my head and my heart based on what happened and what I refuse to compromise for anyone or anything doesn't choose the fateline here. Only Eric's choices, what he chooses for himself and his own happiness he's seeking will determine that. I'm just steering us out of the worst of them all by my insistence on honesty and accountability and the necessity of open communication to heal things. 

But penny's still in the air on his call for his choices. And I won't pretend I know what he'll choose... Does he?

Well, you see her when you fall asleep, But never to touch and never to keep. 'Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep. Well, you only need the light when it's burning low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low. Only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go And you let her go.

 That isn't to say that i think it's impossible for there to be healing (I do think it improbable at this point, but I've been wrong before on what's probable versus improbable) or that I'm giving up my faith in the fact Eric and I will come together at some future point whether it be this life or another,  just at some point after we've both done the inner work so we can be a blessing not a burden upon each other's lives.  I just see no way to achieve that sort of healing and a path to a happy ending without demanding it have honest communication and accountability for one's choices as cornerstones to lay a foundation of trust to build a relationship upon.  And I'm not seeing any action I can do, either in regards to Delta Rae or toward Eric himself, to bring those back into the dynamic when there isn't even a willingness to acknowledge the actions of the past and how those actions have created consequences that are fucking up everything that should grow good fruit but instead is never even germinating in the present. 

So for me, my fighting faith that there's a way through and a someday happiness between me and Eric isn't because I expect anything to shift in the near future (perhaps not even in this lifetime) or because there's anything they can do or create as a collective that will touch me to get a positive reaction until they clean out this mess that has been made and that they've been thus far not even willing to acknowledge exists. It's the fighting faith that mountains have and that oceans have -- it's the belief that even when something seems unchanging in the short term, in time all things will alter from the forces that wear upon them.  

And I know what is needed for there to be anything healthy between me and him or for anything created by Delta Rae to receive anything but indifference from me and I know why these things are necessary and I understand that they are blocked by choices that are not and never could be mine to make. So I'm choosing to accept that this is how it is right now and I'm not willing to extend any more of my time, energy, or heart in attempting to reconnect and reconcile and salvage and heal when I'm the only one willing to reach out with what's needed to bridge this and clear out what's toxic poisoning everything it touches. I have faith that in an eternity of time and lessons across lives it will happen -- but I'm not going to focus my own energies into trying to force it before he/they are ready to grow up and take accountability for the past so that the broken pieces can be fixed now and something beautiful can be reforged for the future within this life. I see nothing to make me expect that would be anything but wasted effort to keep trying before they're ready to face it, so instead I will let it go accepting whatever will be will be once he/they are ready to stop behaving in such immature ways and in the meanwhile I will depart to take my own wandering way wherever I am needed and wherever I can make things better for my touch and light upon them.

I'm not giving up on the possibilities with him or them if only the work were put in to truly fix how this shattered -- I'm just not going to pour my own efforts or energies into it nor seek to force a reconnection until he/they choose to do what's necessary for there to be any real chance for healing. I'll wait and trust it's coming some time but that there's nothing I can do to force it sooner until he/they are ready to level up and be the version of themselves they strive to be and claim to be but which their actions/choices have shown they still fall short of being. And that will start with his/their re-commitment to choose honest communication and accountability even when the truths are hard to swallow or don't show you in the best light -- and they're simply not there.

 So until then, I have other battles to win, other demons to fight and dragons to slay, other souls to pour my warmth and love into, other lessons to catalyze growth by helping people face the uncomfortable truths they run from so they can learn by easier paths than if they had never found me, and further healing on this planet. All of which I can continue to accomplish in this lifetime, however long it lasts, without leaving my name for fame or power's memory this time. 

And that's what it's time for me to re-dedicate myself to and do with this wandering life outside the spotlight. I have wasted enough energy on trying to break this cycle and solve this without any of them being willing to meet me even part way. It's time and past time for me to let go of him/them/all of this stagnancy for as long as he/they choose not to face this in him/them and for me to instead pour my energy into things and people and places where it can bring forth healing and growth.

There were and are still better paths for him/them to learn what they need to learn and for this story to end happily.  But none of them are based on my choices within my power to choose at this time. So I'm pouring my energy and love elsewhere since I can't make his/their choices for him/them. If or when there are other choices made and I feel a true reaching out from a place of honest communication and accountability from him/them, then you can expect me to extend any further energy at all toward him/them. But not before that. 

[Post Title: lyrics to the Passenger song Let Her Go]

 So when I finally got home last night after ending my own personal executive dysfunction paralysis of Billy Joel songs (but it's not REALLY a purgatory if you enjoy every minute of the time wasting, is it?) both my dog and cat demanded food right away and then my dog refused to go out on a walk or anything they both just insisted that all they wanted was for me to go bedtime and snuggle with them even though it was before sunset. So i grabbed my book and got in my pjs and just went to bed with my cuddly fur babies. What I did NOT expect was that they were going to hold me hostage in bed for 21 hours, but at least I was smart enough I had books (and my glasses) within arms reach this time.  My cat literally only got off me to go eat, drink water, use his box, and once to throw up a hairball in the wall. (I very much appreciate that he did NOT decide to have his hairball while laying on my chest...)  Normally if I decide to reposition myself, the cat gets annoyed and eventually leaves or curls up on a part of the bed I can't reach with my movement but this time he'd just get up without complaint and curl up by my head then wait for me to settle again and then return to curl up once more n my back or chest or side. My cat has abandonment issues due to what happened to him before I got him and so he only attacks when you reject his need of love/affection and so even though I was visiting him every day while house sitting at my parents, he still was hurt missed me because I wasn't coming home to sleep. (And it was augmented by the fact that I'd been working so much right before I was in Michigan, then in Michigan for 4 days then packing in hours end of the week 9so as not to use any PTSO for my Michigan trip) and then my parents left for 10 days. So it felt more like 2.5 weeks without me really being home for snuggles to my cat.

And yes, I do allow my pets to sleep in the bed -- though my bed is high enough up and my dog is now 14 years old so most of the time I have to lift her up into bed whenever she wants up -- including when she overheats and self-exiles to lay on the cool floor then wants back up later. That said, while the fur babies are welcome to come sleep in the bed, when I've had exes over I do kick the animals out during sex because that's just weird not to. It's like how I imagine it would be having kids -- your married sex life just doesn't happen when the kids have nightmares want to come join you because that would just be weird otherwise. So like, the animals are not allowed in the bed during sex (though to be honest, I don't think they've ever wanted to stay in the bed because that much movement is not conducive to curling up for a snoozle in my queen size bed, even if you're a 20-30lb animal.)  I've also definitely shut them out of the room if they're just staring because that's also weird to feel like you've got an audience.

That's probably tmi though. But anyway, yes I do allow my animals to sleep in my bed whenever they want and on my white couch. 

Right. So I had said that I as going to do some thinking about that unstated premise about why I assumed I needed to treat it as an either/or not an and for his happiness once there became a conflict between his band's Instagram page and me. And honestly, the root of the answer comes down to the fact that I know how much the band and everything about it and everyone involved in it genuinely means to him and then I didn't even consider myself as mattering to him really at all. because yes there's that old soul bond, but how would I know if he feels that pull and remembers it? After all, most people do NOT remember their past lives or understand their multi-life connections or the illogical pull of those bonds and statistically it would be highly unlikely that we would BOTH remember. And since I knew I remembered, the odds were against him remembering. And then, when I had intentionally reached out, multiple times across multiple platforms both public and private including to him personally and not just to the band official accounts, I got absolutely no responses whatsoever ANYWHERE, so I just assumed that the inaction and failure to respond told me everything I needed to know about it mattering to any of them or to him specifically. I mean, I tried to the band's Twitter 3 times publicly and twice via dms, the band's facebook account publicly 4 times and via dm 3 times, the band's e-mail address 4 times, and on Instagram i reached out to him publicly and privately 3 or 4 times total.  And I never received any response form any of the accounts or any of the attempts, public or private, that I made between October 2018 and August 2019. So I just accepted that they saw absolutely no problem in having ostracism at the heart of their band's instagram account and that they didn't see any hypocrisy in urging "all our fans" to join them live on the band Instagram account while having some fans blocked on that account fro being honest that the country music would stop them attending future shows, and that he personally didn't give a damn about any of this or about the hurt he and his band's actions caused me. It was really the lack of any responses whatsoever from anyone related to the band, and not just form the band accounts but from him personally that made me give up any belief that this was an ethics issue they cared about or that my feelings mattered whatsoever to him. And if hurting me isn't something he (or they) are going to care about, then what hope is there to think anything good can come of me continuing to try? What can you build without even the most basic foundational belief that the other person cares about whether their actions or words or inactions cause you pain?

So that's genuinely the root of why I assumed it must be an either/or for his happiness and not an and. And it's also why i assumed the answer was obvious so I just started removing him and his band from all the places they touched my life and fighting at every opportunity to try to make the bond go quiet to stop bothering him and being a nuisance that way since it so clearly was something that only mattered to me.

And honestly, I'm tired of trying and getting absolutely no response back ever. I'm just exhausted by that cycle and how many times I tried and tried and tried and never got anything in response from anyone in Delta Rae about it.  Which is why I decided I'm done being the one to reach out to try to heal things without getting any response in return, why I don't have the energy anymore to give a damn or like anything that the band creates even if by every thing inherent to the creation itself I OUGHT to love it. It's why I refused to even leave the random ass polar bear video sent to him that chance and synchronicity had me send him. Not because I don't want it healed or I don't want to open lines of communication -- because I would love that more than anything if I'm painfully honest. But I just don't have the emotional strength to take the hurt and disappointment of me trying yet again and getting no response to my efforts. I don't have it in me to let me try again only to be hurt yet again. I can't even raise the ghost of hope in me to give them another chance by me trying to open the communication channels again or let them in just to be rebuffed once more by the silence and not caring from them. I'd rather ache over the emptiness and indifference where I know there should be only love than ache over getting my hopes up again and being hurt once more by their refusal to even acknowledge or engage on it. I've just reached a point I've accepted from their silence when I've tried to bring it up that nothing they do or create is for me or will bring me any future joys since they willfully of their own volition have excluded me from their fans by their every word and action and inaction. 

*shrugs* The Universe may be pushing me to remember they exist and pushing me to try reaching out to Eric in particular again. But I'm tired and my past experience has taught me it's just wasting my energy and will only cause me hurt and disappointment when I get no response yet again should I do it... So I'm not, no matter how many signs and synchronicities keep telling me I should. Which I recognize means nothing will change, nothing will get better -- because how can it if nobody will even try to reach across the divide to heal things? But I'm just tired and broken from trying and never having anyone reach back or even open a line of communication about it when I brought it up. So for now at this point I'm just done being the one to even try, both with them as a collective and with Eric as an individual. Nothing can heal and nothing will get better without someone reaching out, but I've tried so many times without any response that it's going to have to come from him initiating it because I'm just too tired to try even once more when all I can expect is to be ignored for my efforts and to feel a fool for even trying....

I'm an eternal optimist and a hopeless romantic, but there's a point where that stops manifesting as blind faith that what you desire will work out so you stop trying to make that work and accept that the optimism and happy ending will be found in looking somewhere else for a new dream and a new hope to manifest into your life. Eventually even I will give up trying when you refuse to ever even respond or acknowledge any communication I attempt. And that's the point I reached in late 2019/early 2020 given the repeated inactions and failure to respond and the gaslighting of continuing on as if what I said was either never said or simply didn't matter to you. And every time since October of 2018 that he/they tell people in person or via e-mails "find us and follow us on instagram" or he/they go live on their instagram account, it just reconfirms for me the fact that what happened and how it made me feel and even me being a fan of their music at all isn't something he/they care about. And if he/they don't care, then why should I? Why should I assume it would matter to him given his every action and words and inactions up til now has shown me that it doesn't matter to him? How can there ever be any hope of healing without communication and accountability? And why should I keep trying without even the hope of any of those three from me putting more of my energy or heart into anything to do with Delta Rae?

I mean. I can't sever the bond or cut the energetic cord, it's one of the very few that one cannot ever sever -- every soul has some that cannot be severed. And he keeps fighting me whenever I find new ways to try to mute or quiet the our bond so we don't reach and pull and pour love to each other. And I accept that because it's our bond.  I don't think muting it would be easy or preferable for either of us, but it would make the waiting while separated easier to not have that constant pull. But he refuses to live with it muted that way and I accept that it's our bond, not just mine, and if he says he needs it at full strength to at least reach me internally in his sou even if he can't reach me in the external world, then I accept that and I'm not going to fight that.  But I'm not willing to invest more of my own time and energy into reaching out in the hope to heal my relationship with his band or have any relationship in the real world in this life with him at this point given my experiences since October 2018 with what's been done in the collective name of Delta Rae as it is intentionally cruel and full of ostracism and "everyone come sit with us at this table" but if you try to bring up why you can't it's just silence. And so I don't see anything there based on their choices for how they've dealt with their band's instagram account and I have no positive reactions toward anything the band as a collective does or creates as a result of their choices and the hypocrisy inherent in the defensiveness and gaslighting they have exhibited surrounding choices dealing with the band's instagram account. So I've honestly just simply given up on expecting him to be any part of my life in this life or holding onto hope in the possibility of me mattering to him because he's taught me that I don't. If that's not what he wants me to be believing about him in this life, that's on him to teach me differently. Because I learned this conclusion (with me fighting against believing it every fucking step of the way and continuously trying "just one more chance" extended to them to fix this brokenness) from his choices and his actions and inactions thus far....So it's for him to try to teach me why my conclusion is faulty -- but I won't reach out to him whatsoever or try to reopen lines of communication to help him in that without being given better reasons than blind faith and trust. he had blind faith and trust, and the decisions his sister and his social media teams and he himself made are what destroyed that blind faith and trust. Now you'll need to give me reasons to believe in you again and be willing to invest another chance in you to show me you've learned and will do better from here moving forward -- because I currently feel I have none.

Tomorrow (today now?) I have to take my grandma to her lymphodema massage appointment. It's going to be awful. My grandma has no pain tolerance and she gets absolutely bitchy when she hurts --  to the extent that even the slight pressure of the ultrasound on her legs was making her holler and cuss at the techs and tell me that they didn't know what they were doing. She refuses to raise her legs or exercise more or wear compression socks/corsets of any sort to relieve it and so the vascular edema in her legs is so bad she has mini clots and suppurating wounds from how cracked/dry the skin is.  She won't wear socks of pants that touch her calves whatsoever and she won't even put lotion on the dryness of it and will hardly allow anyone else to do it for her.... Just her brushing her legs accidentally against a chair or getting in/out of the car sets her off. We're at a point with her stubbornness and refusal to do any of the mitigating efforts that we're genuinely concerned about her getting an infection from scratching at them til they bleed and ooze that like a diabetic she could end up having one or both legs amputated due to the infection possibility....and she just refuses to do anything about it. This is a last ditch effort of a 90 minute massage to clear out the lymph fluid from her legs and it's supposed to be the first of many regular ones to reduce the swelling (and thus the pain) to be able to find her another solution besides just allowing her to not do a damn thing about it until she ends up an amputee from a septic infection.... That said, deep tissue massages hurt EVERYONE like a mofo and she's going to be absolutely awful (we've warned everyone involved for setting up the appointment that she will be beyond irascible old lady and with her incredibly low pain tolerance, this is going to hurt her like a mofo. Which is why I get to do it... not just because I'm the one who most often takes her to appointments, but because of all her kids and grandkids, I have the greatest patience and compassion with her when she gets nasty and I shake it off the easiest because I know that she still loves me doesn't mean it whereas her kids tend to take umbrage get under their skin so they back in response to her being mean to them which just makes a mirroring effect to make nastiness grow. My refusal to respond to it in kind is actually what causes her to stop sooner and to bring her back into a happy frame of mind. (And I'm no saint, I've got quite a temper myself, there have certainly been times even I've been tempted to say, "Fuck it. If you're going to be this ungrateful and cruel when all I'm trying to do is help you with what you can no longer do yourself, you can find someone else to help you. I'm done."  and then I just bite my tongue and remind myself she's lashing out at me over fear because as she loses faculties and control over her life it makes her afraid as it would anyone -- and the best thing I can do for her is endure the abuse in the moment and continue to help her because she genuinely does need the help.  And she does realize afterwards, when I emotionally pull back get distant polite instead of warm and healing presence that she crossed a line and she'll apologize make it up to me.) I really don't know what stage she'd be in if i weren't reiki energy working healing her all the time whenever I take her to appointments and make sure she gets at last one meal with me.... And I've been doing that for about 7 years or so now as the one who takes her to all her appointments.

But anyway, tomorrow afternoon is going to be awful. Just horrifically awful. And we're all prepared as we can be acknowledging that truth. I may not be able to get her to do this more than once and then I have no idea what to do about her legs.... But for tomorrow which is the next thing I can do, my plan is to have a quiet morning with myself and my animals with a cleansing shower and a good solid breakfast and not rushing myself so I'll be super cheerful and take her to lunch first then I will bring books to get me through the appointment and then settle her back in once she's home again and get her to feeling happy once more. Maybe bribe her with chocolate tell her she earned it -- she does love chocolate! And both Sarah and my mum know that I will need drinks after 90mins or more of it and then however long it will take me to realign her and get her to calm down again after it.... I think the current thoughts are strong mojitos or mint juleps or something like that since the fresh mint smelled so good at market on Saturday I decided I definitely $2 wanted it! It may just be me and my maman for cocktail o'clock though, Mikaela got her second covid vax today and if she's bad tomorrow then Sarah will be taking off work.... But even if my maman just pours me straight whiskey before I can et to making me cocktails, she knows to have drinks ready for me after my afternoon plans for tomorrow.

Thurs night this week I'm headed back to APT with Crissy and my mama and Sarah to see An Improbable Fiction at the Up The Hill outdoor theatre. (Still 25% capacity and still masks required for everyone but actors onstage. The next round will be 50% capacity sales, but masks will remain required for audiences so long as that is the requirement/recommendation for the actors unions they belong to.) An Improbable Fiction is a play of 5 characters from Shakespeare meeting in a tavern and it's written by Jim DeVita (one of their core actors for like 25 years and he's fucking amazing. His sister is actually currently the artistic director for the theatre company. And they're both quality humans.) I have NOT read the script (it wasn't in the gift shop when I was there last week) but I did listen to the initial reading they did while he was working on it and it's going to be absolutely hilarious. I'll need to double check the characters

Then the rest of this week is just me gardening and getting hours in and hanging out at home. Next week on Monday I have another glaucoma followup to take more detailed images of my optic nerve and do some color related tests because color blindness can occur as early glaucoma symptoms (they have to split the tests up for insurance reasons unless I want to pay out of pocket. I just look at it as more opportunities for free ice cream, lol.) And then Thurs June 10th, Crissy is taking off work so we can drive down to Chicago to go see the Monet in Chicago art exhibit before it leaves on June 14th. (The exhibit was extended multiple times, but covid related reasons kept me from renewing my membership and us from deciding to go earlier.) I'm super excited for this because I genuinely ADORE the Art Institute in Chicago!!!!! I mean, I love art museums generally, but i do particularly love the collection in Chicago!  The exhibit after the Monet in Chicago Exhibit is going to be the Obama Portraits, so I expect I'll be heading back down to see that at least once! (membership is the same price as 2.5 adult admission tickets AND includes all the special exhibits for free AND as a member, I can bring one guest free every visit. Don't need to define the guest, any guest -- but only one per visit. So it makes more sense to get a membership if I will go a second time within the year. Though in this case, they were running a special so my renewal gives me 15 months of membership!) 

But yeah, every much NOT looking forward to tomorrow (today?) afternoon plans. Dear Lord preserve me from doing anything stupid because my temper is going to be so fucking short after dealing with my grandma through this ordeal of getting her lymphodema massage....