Okay.  Once again,  don't know why, but Eric got intensely strong on the bond in the last half hour to hour.  No idea why.  Doesn't feel like a drunk whim,  definitely feels like a deliberate choice for him to focus like this.  

It's heady and stronger than he's been along the bond in a very long time, like six months or so since he was last this strong and certain this way.  Determined.  That's a good word for it. Focused. Certain. Decisive. And full of love.  Intensely full of love. In a way that leaves no room for anything else. 

I'm not quite certain what to make of it, other than acknowledging is.  And it feels like...  whatever he's doing or planning, failure isn't an option for him nor is giving up nor is denying the strength in his love.  And as I've said before, he's one of the few even more stubborn than me once he sets his heart on doing something. And,  right now, he's a man who knows what he wants.

 Um.  Since I can't figure it out, trying just intensifies the bond brings his love more clearly focused and even stronger (which doesn't seem possible til it happens) pouring into me,  I'm going to go make coffee and some food.

 So it wasn't the entire truth several weeks back when I was saying about how he reaches me along the bond and I wished he wouldn't. That's not a thing I'd ever not want.  While the bond is so active and full of his love, it's a wonderful beautiful thing.  But AFTER it stops, and then the next time it burns along it, it hurts worse then for the bond being stronger.  It hurts worse to expect good but get hurting, and for a part of you to blame you because you should have expected the hurt.  To have had that bit of good and then come down from it and be hurt again.... It feels far worse. And knowing that the hurting is coming after the good, I hate that feeling too, of waiting for the smack of it. 

So it's not that I dislike anything about any time he reaches along the bond and strengthens it and I feel the flood of love along it and between us and the strong magic of that pull.  It's afterward when it hurts again and the expectation that he's going to do something in the current structuring of things so it's going to happen again - that's the part that's made harder because of the love in the bond.  It's that contrast and how stupid I feel over letting it hurt so badly that makes me push him away and fight the pull of the bond and my own desires - it's what made me say last month or whenever ago that  it'd be better if he didn't try to reach me via the bond.  It wouldn't be better - I'd just feel lonely for him and empty and that a part of me was missing and lost.  

But it does make it hurt worse than just mute acceptance of the poisons in the bond are now a thing and the pain of it whenever he does something that poisons it afresh. And it makes me feel like an idiot for that pain and allowing it all to happen again just because it makes me so happy to feel his love the rest of the time.  

(it didn't happen again yet - there's not currently anything hurtful or painful in the bond.  And I can easily reach along down it pour extra love into him same as he can reach me with the intensity of his love and need.  I'm just trying to explain the push me pull me tug of war that's been going on inside me these last 2 years. And why sometimes it makes me fight and try to deny or quiet the bond because it hurts when it's misused full of poisons.) 

Really if you asked me what I WANT and if I could have anything in the world.... It would be to have the bond strong and to be able to bask in the love and joy of it and surround him in my love and to have none of what's between us shadowed or poisoned. That's what I want.  If I could.

Also.  I do have other empath bonds with other people.  Every one of them,  the energy and love flow bears the soul's energetic stamp like a fingerprint.  It's how I know when people I love who are far away need me or are in a bad depressive full of addictions/abuse/suicidal place in their life and need help.  I've had to deal with all of those.   None of the other empath bonds are quite so strong as the one to Eric - the others weaken across distance and the others I can quiet or sever if I need my energy reserved or to focus, but I can't sever or even really quiet the flow of this one...  It just won't cut. Like with the Fates/Norns with an immortal/demigod life thread.  This bond with Eric's soul just can't be cut by any way I know of.... Except Odin's offer to remove it when I had the fae muffle the bond while Eric was dating someone else since I didn't want the voyeuristic overlays of every time he had strong emotions from/with her.  I just didn't need those images and emotions and such.  Especially without her knowledge or permission.... But I told Odin I didn't trust him and that I wasn't willing to give him the bond while I was incapable of knowing its worth. 

Also.  All empath bonds.... They grow stronger over time, with proximity, and by nurturing/deepening the relationship. The more energy you put into the bond,  the stronger the bond grows. As a rule.  If you don't want the bond to grow stronger, don't exercise it and don't reach out via the bond... 

 *yawns* I still don't know what that was about last night.  My guess is he was drunk and missed me so just decided to reach for me along the bond without any ego or overthinking of it.  Just happy drunk,  like I get when wine drunk, so he just wanted to reach out that way.  From a place of love. 

And I still don't know if I was stupid or smart to let my guard down so easily without a fight or any evidence it won't just come back to hurt me worse later.  I did and I'm still not currently in a head/heart space to fight or put up inner defenses where my soul has always insisted there should be no separation, no distance. So it will stay as is for now. 

But  as I'm laying here in the predawn listening to wind skittering the fallen leaves,  the creaking of the old choke cherry tree, and the silvery tinkle of my windchimes, it seems to me, in my deepest most honest heart,  a stupid time to be at odds with allies and defensive expecting hurt between those who deep down genuinely love each other and desire the mutual comfort of that shared love.  There are so many real enemies to fight and so many important battles we may still so easily lose,  that it's just idiotic to be wasting energy where it should be easy and allowing ourselves to be weakened in the very places we should find sources of strength. 

I'm gonna watch this red-tinged tangerine sunrise before the storms now.  But honest, why have we allowed ego and pride and defensiveness over past hurt to sap the strength needed for very real battles right now?  I don't have a  good answer, but I think it's time we stop that, it's a stupid game nobody wins. It's time and past time to focus our energy on healing this mess.  Real, deep,transformative healing.  I very much hope it is not too late and too much damaged for that sort of necessary healing.

O Jon Snow (my wild crow I rescued when he was a baby and he fell out of a tree into a crowd of picnicking thousands during Concerts on the Square and who flew back to find me in Madison after being released from the animal rehabilitation center outside Milwaukee) is up and cawing on the balcony. I think he's just here to warn me of the coming rain and not to be stupid take the dog on a long walk right now.  I should go check if he or his children/grandchildren left me any shinies on my balcony since yesterday.  (corvids like to give gifts to those they adopt and love.)  

Later. I'll check for gifts of gratitude from the crows later.  For now,  I'm quite happy to lay on my stomach in bed with the lights off, watching the sunrise and listening to the sounds of autumn while awaiting the arrival of the storms currently to the west of Wisconsin.  

8:30am addendum: I got up to go quiet the crows, they were very agitated that I stay at home til this storm passes.  And,  I'd just like to say for clarity's sake.  There's never a time I don't want Eric or don't want our shared soul level love.  I want it every moment of every day and I have for all this life since long before I knew his name when I only knew him from shared dreamspace.  It's not a lack of yearning desire in me.  I just know we're not supposed to be a source of hurting and pain to each other - and if that's all we can be due to getting stuck in toxic recurring patterns,  then I'll choose better for us.  Absence is better than a hurting that isn't leading to healing,  just poisoning the good. The deeper the love,  the deeper the capacity to cause pain if that love is mishandled.   Doesn't mean I don't desire him in every moment of that absence - I just know we both deserve better than hurting each other. Far better than absence would be healing and breaking the recurring toxic patterns - but that's not something I could do on my own.  Refusing to let myself be part of perpetuating the repeating toxicity was within my own power alone. It wasn't the best answer,  and certainly not a damn thing I want - it was just the best I have felt I could do to stop us being a source of poison to each other where we ought to be a source of strength. And it's still the course I'll choose if pushed to the place I believe there's no better way through - but I do still hope there's a better way through. 

I'm going to either go back to laze in bed listening to the rain or go make coffee and breakfast now I've calmed Jon Snow and his clan. Haven't decided which yet.  Later I intend to read/reread the Ursula K. LeGuin Earthseas books.  (my da had the original trilogy that I read multiple times as a kid - but he didn't have the later conclusion Tehanu or The Other Wind which is a novel set in the world but in a different time or the book of Earthsea short stories. So I read half of them so long ago I don't remember them and the other half I have never read.  Reading these is my belated birthday gift to myself. Yesterday morning as part of my gift to myself in reading choices, I read the  trilogy of Tom Stoppard plays in Coast of Utopia - it wasn't bad but not his best.  I'll probably reread Arcadia after I finish the Earthsea books since that is the best of the best and I adore it!) 

So, I don't know why. But for some reason, there's just a lot of energy pouring through from Eric tonight in my third eye. A lot of love, a lot of light, a lot of certainty. A lot of a sense of getting it right and not messing up and being proud of that. (does that even make sense?) It's just a lot of a lot. But in a good way. A bit overwhelming in intensity, but entirely in a good way.

There's no pain or burning or undertows of anything toxic or poisonous in it tonight. Not even a little bit. At least not in the energy pouring in from him tonight. It's just pure and somehow intentionally not allowing any poisons to get mixed into it tonight. And I dunno how he did that.

It doesn't make any sense to me at all.... I don't know why, I just know is.

I suppose I could dig to figure out why... But right now, tonight, I'm okay with just accepting is. 

Also, I've been pretty content to not social media, not interact with people, to just let myself float on the energy currents allowing them to flow around me lately. As an empath and a precog, it's just been really exhausting and overwhelming for a really long while now simply to tread water -- and I don't even mean in my own personal emotional sphere I mean just EXISTING as an empath and a precog in the currents of this portion of the timelines. I've been resting myself while I can.

And tonight, I'm not in the mood to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I'll just take what is and be grateful for it. I intend to just snuggle up into that inner strength of love and intensity of energy pouring in for as long as it lasts like this.  Which, I don't know how long that will be. And maybe it'll just make it hurt that much worse later, and I'm going to regret tonight's choice when it goes back to how it's been and the hurt is that much deeper because of the reprieve. 

Even if it confuses me,  it makes me happy. And tonight I ain't in the mood to question or fight that.

(Yes. I'm still at work. Was going to head home and just as I packed things up, a police car without its lights on pulled into the lot and the officers got out to go investigate something in an apartment complex across the street -- so ehrm I can read the signs of that and without a leash for my dog (it's in the car) I'll just go back to inputting and wait til after they leave before we head out then. I need to catch up on last week's Lovecraft Country and watch this week's episode, but I don't know that I want to stay for 2 hours and if I watch one I'll feel compelled to watch the next since it's available. I'll find something else then. And if you haven't been watching Lovecraft Country on HBO, you need ot fix that. Immediately.)

(Also. this gold starred grey hoodie is my current favorite hoodie.  It's also from the kids section of Target and was only $8. I actually have a lot of  shirts and scarves with sparkly stars on them now I think about it)

Tonight I'm not in the mood for second guessing or asking questions that will ruin this energy flow. Tonight I'm willing to just accept is. For as long as it's like this, even if that's only an hour or two.  For as long as it's not in the least toxic or causing me pain, I'll just embrace it for its esse and be grateful for the fact that it IS....

Dayenu.

 I own a ridiculous amount of books, fiction and nonfiction, and all 10 of my bookshelves are double or triple stacked and I actively need another bookshelf right now.  The problem is even cheap particle board bookshelves you put together yourself are expensive new - and I refuse to spend that much on fucking particle board.  So I tend to rescue bookshelves when someone curbs one instead of moving it or if I can find one on Craigslist for under $25.

My dream is to someday have a dedicated library with beautiful solid wood shelves.  I love woodwork, I own more wood than metal furniture and the only plastic furniture I own is the balcony table.  There's something about the feel and look of wood that I just find comforting. Living in a second floor flat with no elevator, I currently only have one nice wood and glass bookcase that houses all my books of fairytales and myths and epics - the rest of the bookshelves are all particle board, most of them secondhand. But a girl can dream.....

I think if I ever had a home with enough bookshelves to have all my books shelved normally instead of double stacked,  I would cry for joy.  I've been having to double (and triple) stack my bookshelves and also still have piles that can't be shelved because not enough bookshelf space since I was 7... So the thought of being able to have all my books visible at the same time, not double stacked, is rather mindblowing to me.

Also,  gifting me a bookshelf to make a home for my books is an easy way to make me extremely happy and grateful! Even if I don't (yet) know where the fuck to put it, lol.

Okay.  I'm going to put the kettle on for a cuppa tea,  finish the last 35pgs of this book (Malafrena by Ursula K. LeGuin; it's a historical novel set in the early 1800s about revolutionary idealism and how the world breaks it,  not her typical scifi-fantasy fare.)

But honestly.... I just really really want a library with beautiful solid wood bookshelves for all my books to be shelved without double stacking them. In my someday house.  I feel like that isn't too much to ask,  y'know? 

I've been trying to do it right. I've been living a lonely life. I've been sleeping here instead, I've been sleeping in my bed, Sleeping in my bed. So show me family. All the blood that I would bleed. I don't know where I belong, I don't know where I went wrong. But I can write a song. I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart. I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweet.

 O right. Worth me saying (and I think I've said it before but bears repeating.) 

As a precog. I can only foresee what WILL be once the choice that sets the path from among the many options is made. That choice echoes and reverberates waves backward and further from the event like an earthquake propagating. But it's free will, it's CHOICE that determines the path from all the possible paths that were open. And I don't get either immutable precogs OR contingent precogs until the course between the possibilities is chosen. And the contingent precogs, they always mean there's SOMETHING somehow that i can do, even if it's the littlest tiny pebble, to shift the course onto a different path.  Every choice closes potential paths and opens other potential paths -- but there are no precogs for the prophet, only warnings of what will be if you don't choose to change,  until the choice is made that sets the path that is to be walked.

Until then, I can browse through the potential fate lines of "what may yet come to pass" like flipping through the pages of a magazine. But I won't have a true precog of WHICH path we'll certainly land on until the choices (or The Choice in capital letters) are made that close out all other paths and determine the one path we'll trod forward.

And because of that, no matter where the path LOOKS to be headed, free will is sacrosanct and until a path is set and walked, there's always a way to make the choices to redirect from wherever you are to wherever you want to get. You just have to figure out the actual choices to get on the path that will take you where it is you want to actually get to.

And until the choice(s) that determine the path by closing off the other paths, even a strong precog can only see possibilities and potentialities that can be shifted and the trajectory the current path leads if nobody makes choices to change it.

Even for someone like me who interacts with time in a completely non-linear way, choice and free will is what determines the path you actually end up walking. Always always always. And if you don't want to walk the personal path you're on and where it's taking you, find the choice(s) you can make to shift your path and get you onto a path that will take you where you actually desire to get.

if you don't like your personal karmic path you have found yourself on, look deep into the past choices (yours and those you allowed other people to make to shape your course) that brought you here and figure out what choices you have to make to not get more of the same, what choices can get you out of the place you're stuck and back onto the path to what it is you actually desire to reach.

The future ain't set in stone -- not until you make the choice that sets the path your next step will be on.

P.S. Angel numbers.... All the symbolic angel numbers all day long. Caught every fucking one of them today.....

P.P.S. No more wasps today. I opened the screen door so the one wasp that trapped herself could escape and after she did, I saw no further wasps at all til I left home just before noon. I didn't even see any of them going in or out of the spot I thought they had a nest because of their behavior yesterday.... So I still haven't informed Condo Management, because if the wasps just left and moved to  find somewhere else easier to build a nest, then I'd just be wasting their time. Should still call the remodeling company and schedule to have installation techs come check on the seals on the balcony door (and windows as long as they're here) since it's under a warranty and verify that however the wasps got in it wasn't through somewhere the seal isn't as good as it should be on the door. The only thing is, that would mean having them come into my flat and, honestly, the Wisconsin covid-19 stats are legit horror show terrifying.... So I don't think I want the techs inside my home right now. But it'd be better not to delay into deep Wisco winter having it looked at if there is some settling since the installation that needs fixing.  So I dunno....

[post title: lyrics to The Lumineers song Ho Hey. ]

 In the "strange things always happen in the life of Dani when the veil is thin" I have a new house plant.  I was driving along a typical for me route from work to home after working til later than I meant to (I was watching the most recent season of Curb Your Enthusiasm while inputting, lost track of time) and there was a random potted plant sitting on the corner under a street lamp at around 3am. I said to my dog,  "Now there's a fae trap if ever I saw one." as I continued driving and then turned a y turn said,  "Ah fuck it.  The fae already want me whenever I decide I'm done incarnating and that green baby is crying... Let me at least see if it has obvious bugs." 

I checked it over under the streetlight (I know,  it was during rape o'clock hours - but beyond practicing situational awareness and martial arts and several types of sword/knife fighting, I don't let that rule my life;  I've taken down and broken bones on men much bigger than me before who didn't realize I'm trained) and nothing wrong with the plant that repotting it won't fix. No obvious white fly,  scale,  or mites of any sort. So I put it in my car to rescue it.  I checked it again for bugs more careful in the underground garage before bringing it upstairs. 

I think it's a red trumpet vine that someone bought for an outdoor planter and just doesn't want to deal with wintering so they put it on the corner where there are no houses in case anyone wants it.  I think?  I dunno.  But I'll have to put it on the balcony (once the wasp in the screen door is dealt with in the early morning when she wakes up starts moving a bit but before she gets aggressive) or bring it to work til I figure out if it's toxic to the cat.  He's already tried a few times to bite at it so I had to get a spray bottle to spray him whenever he goes for it.  But that won't work when I'm not here any more than I can stop him from biting at the pothos vines when I'm not around, obvi.  It won't get super cold again to a frost concern again til next week (we had two frost warnings in the last week,  already brought in and covered the frost sensitive plants.) So wasps allowing,  it can be fine on the balcony unless maintenance/door installation people need me to clear the balcony for their visits....  Oy.  

O yeah,  no sign of any wasps inside my flat thus far this wee hours.  Still planning to call once it's later in the morning to have them check for a nest where I saw wasps flying in and out.  And to see if Anderson will come check the seals on the door (and windows as long as they're here) for any settling or need of resealing since they installed it.  

For the record,  the way I handle crises or an adrenaline jolt is to get very calm and decisive and practical and efficient in command mode - my Capricorn moon takes over complete control in a crisis. I don't want blame or histrionics,  I just want to solve the emergency before things get worse.  First assessment,  then practical triage to get everything safe remove potential hazards,  then curiosity.  So yesterday morning it was calm efficient 1) "locate, capture, and remove all wasps in flat" 2) attempt to locate their means of entry 3) identify species/type of wasp 4) once all practical concerns have been dealt with,  continue to observe to find the nest while satisfying curiosity learning about wasps online. Looking up the symbolism and omens related to wasps was well after learning all the scientific and agricultural niches of wasps. 

I will absolutely ask a lot of questions to be sure I get it right even if that makes people assume I'm more naive and stupid and clueless than I am - it has worked well for me in many lives.  I like being underestimated,  it makes things easier to achieve what you want if people underestimate your intelligence and power. But Capricorn moon,  I'm quite capable at taking charge handling emergencies efficiently and calmly. 

O and completely unrelated to anything,  but I bought a new duvet cover for my bed!! My old one,  which is yellow mandalas like the sun, I've had for like 9 years and the cotton has gotten super soft and worn but now to the threadbare point it just shreds and has some holes.  Only,  duvet covers and quilts aren't cheap AND my skin is super sensitive so I can only have/wear against my skin cotton, silk, wool (of all types), modal/bamboo, rayon, and linens against my skin or I break out in hives. If I wear a layer of cotton or modal under it I'm alright, but no petroleum derived synthetic fibers against my skin. So anything polyester or acrylic blend can cause a reaction.  So finding one that's a reasonable price AND natural fibers AND that I visually like is tricky.  I've been looking for over a year without finding one that's just right for me and is all natural fibers and is affordable. But tonight I found one at The Company Store site that's 100% cotton brushed flannel weight AND it's on clearance with an extra 20% off sale AND best of all it's adorable polar bears in fair isle sweaters with snowflakes!! 

 

I mean look at those adorable wintry Fair Isle polar bears!!  Even if the color is grayer than pictured (as one reviewer said) I'll love it!

I saw it and got excited squeeing that's the one and how I love it so much!!  I didn't buy the matching sheets as I have expensive stupidly high count Egyptian cotton sheets because they feel nice. My current sheets are a really pretty gray-purple-blue skies at dusk color. But yay for finally finding a new duvet cover!!  

6:30am update:

Pre-dawn.  Still no wasps today.  Relieved they're not in here to be dealt with,  but still baffled how the 4 yesterday got in.... 

 So after writing that last post, in the predawn into sunrise I had a very curious incident happen... It feels highly symbolic. Particularly as it occurred during a gloaming, when I am always extra awake en guarde. Which was probably just as well in this case.

So it started with hearing a buzzing sound against the floor over by my reading chair area and seeing that my cat had an insect of some sort.  I assumed it was a stinkbug or box elder bug or the asian beetles that look like sickly ladybugs or a moth as those sometimes come in from the front door or from other units having their balcony screen doors open and then can get in under my hallway door.  It's happened maybe once or so a year since I bought this unit.  Completely intermittent. And I always calmly place a cup over them, slide a paper underneath,  then release them outside.  The only insects I kill are mosquitoes, ticks, and flies - and then only if they're trying to bite me suck my blood. I would kill fleas and lice and bedbugs by the same logic,  but have never yet had to deal with them...  

Anyway. So I assumed that it was an innocuous nuisance but not problem bug that found its way in until I realized Spock was behaving very oddly toward it, he was being very cautious smacking it down to the floor if it tried to fly, but not crushing or trying to kill it.  More like he was keeping it grounded and guarding it til I saw it became aware of it to deal with.  I was ignoring it til the cat sent me the mental image of a wasp (both my animals communicate by thinking loudly) told me to come deal with it before someone got stung.  I jumped up off the couch and sure enough,  he had a wasp on the ground he was glaring at.  So I got a pint glass (I found it funny to use one from a Mexican restaurant sponsored by Hornitos) to gently and hopefully without getting any of us stung,  release her back outside.  Spock glared at me incredulously like he didn't understand hoe I could fail to recognize a dangerous enemy and that I wouldn't kill even a wasp.  

After taking her outside and her refusing to exit the glass so I left it on the table,  I came inside only to find three wasps sleeping on my balcony door by where it opens.... 3 wasps that I swear weren't there before... Like a motherfucking hydra.... 

So I go to capture one but she's smart and falls to the ground then hides like under a pot in a water dish for a plant.  Hit something plastic sounding but I have no idea where...  Then I capture one to take outside and in the process, the stupidest slowest moving one got crushed trying to hide in the door track as I opened it. So.  There remains the one I can't find (and I cautiously look everywhere over there) with no luck.  So I decide,  "hopefully she's crushed in the bottom crack like the one in the upper track..." 

About an hour later,  while I'm laying in bed trying to sleep, I suddenly hear Crystal (my Japanese society finch)  shrieking continuously the way she used to when Piebald Whitey(yes, I named a bird Piebald whitey, and he was a nasty piece of work) would attack her or another bird.  (he's the reason she is quite happy as a loner society finch even though they normally get depressed if left alone.  Crystal is the last of the eggs clutched from Tristan & Isolde's line and Piebald Whitey died before she was completely full grown.  He died young, at the point I was considering separating him frim the rest after catching him throw eggs and nestlings out of the nestbox - he was sadistic cruel in a way no other bird I've ever owned was.) Anyway,  I leapt out of bed realizing she was being attacked and flew out to see the wasp trying to menace her in her cage and her throwing birdseed at it with her claws between flapping around crying out shrilly in terror.  

I grabbed the Hornitos glass and said deadly calm but intently,  "YOU!  HOW DARE YOU COME INTO MY HOME AND ATTACK MY BIRD?  AGAINST THE DOOR NOW TO BE TRAPPED OR I WILL KILL YOU." the wasp complied and got very docile once captured.  I think she was as scared of Crystal as Crystal was of her....

The only problem is, the first one I released during sunrise, the one the cat found, tried to come rescue her friend is now between the screen and the glass door communicating with the one in the glass.  And she's intermittently flying herself straight into the glass,  makes a dull noise when she smacks into it, obviously riled up,  so if I open my balcony door, that one will get in and will no longer docile from the cold this morning as it has warmed up significantly and will attack to try to protect her sister wasp... So I can't free the smart one who played dead til I was gone then tried to attack my finch Crystal - she's just slowly suffocating inside the glass I trapped her in because her sister trying to save her is preventing me from releasing her safely.... 

So stale mate.  No more wasps or any other bugs have appeared inside my flat since - I've been sitting here watching so I can find out how they got in the first time, just in case.  (I did move Crystal back to where she used to be,  further away from the sliding balcony door just in case.) 

Practically speaking, I see no obvious means of entry,  the one trapped between screen and glass hasn't come back in.  I've not seen any others swarming nor any flight patterns to indicate a nest.  I cannot currently check for any small nests or holes/vents around my balcony they might be using.  If they are in the insulation or in the crawl space where the dryer vents are,  I have no way to check but I don't hear them there.  And I don't hear them in or around the air conditioning unit in the living room (I rarely use that one,  with the 20ft cathedral ceilings in here (10ft ceilings throughout my flat)  the living room stays cool enough with a fan on and the door open at night.)  if they were living in the air conditioner or getting in around it, I'd hear them rustling and chewing... And I don't.  I should have somebody come in here and replace that air conditioner though and reseal around it - it's terribly old and can't possibly be energy efficient if used.... 

I will contact Condo Management, even if there's no repetition of them getting in, just in case they are in the crawl space or under the roof or coming in a crack in the bricks into the insulation or somewhere along the building -  though I'd ideally like to be able to give them some helpful observations about where/how they might have got in.... And I'll also call the people who installed the new windows and doors that have a warranty and have them come check for any settling or gaps around the door just in case -- hopefully that should be no charge given how much it cost to install the sliding door and windows in the first place.

So I have not been stung by any of these wasps that somehow got into my apartment (knock on wood,  I've never been stung by any bee or wasp or hornet in my entire life. This despite my lifelong habit of holding and petting bumble bees because they're so sweet and soft AND the many times over the last 20 years of TRYING to get me stung by stressing out honeybees holding their stinger against my skin and they'd wriggle around sting the beekeeper's hand holding them and die - in Wisconsin, you cannot apprentice or work or even volunteer with a licensed beekeeper unless you know you're not allergic to them.) And luckily the wasps listened to me so none of my fur/feather baby familiars were stung.  Not the cat who first discovered and neutralized one til I could deal with her,  not the dog who ignored them entirely other than coming with me out onto the balcony when I opened the door, and not my bird who fought one off valiantly despite her small size. And I have no idea where or how the damn 4 bitches got in! 

So after dealing with the wasps as best I could for this morning, I checked a few places out of curiosity and according to Witchipedia,  and confirmed by my Penguin book of Symbols, "A wasp in the house is a sign that an unpleasant person or enemy will soon come to call. If she stings you, the person will get the best of you." It didn't say what 4 wasps means.....  But it also says this about wasps, "Wasp is a strong, feminine spirit. Independent and yet cooperative. Wasp is a builder of things, particularly a home, and a fierce protector of what she builds. Wasp is a guardian, she takes care of her own. And it IS her own, because she built it." and I have to admit that sounds remarkably on point for a clique of 4 very specific mean girls getting defensive hiding the truth of what they did trying to protect each other and the nest they made together.... 

Hopefully that's me reading too much looking for signs in random events. And if that's the case,  seriously y'all can fuck off not bother attacking me - you have nothing I want any longer.  Particularly if you'd try sneaking in to attack me like that.  And to threaten my bird?!  Nuh uh - fuck the fuck right off!! You leave that innocent beastie alone!  You can fuck off,  I want nothing to do with you or any of your kind - and may every nest you ever try to create be destroyed by nature and by ineptitude and by your own bad decisions!!  And I'll remove my curse from you when you remove your stingers and stop attacking innocents....  Not a fucking moment sooner.  Now you've fucking pissed me off - and I go all Carrie on shit when I get angry.

Also spiritually I outrank you with Artemis-Britomartis-Isis-Hekate-Birch Goddess (I've served and been served by her under many names across my lifetimes -- it's easier just to call her The Goddess even though she's just one particular unincarnated strong spirit, at some point I should explain my understanding of  cosmology, lol) personally watching over protecting me as her most ancient souled incarnating high priestess/teacher on this planet and I have made alliances with Ra and the Morrigan/Raven to help me with cleansing dark vampiric unincarnated spirits once I have identified and marked/contained them where they haunt. (This is my actual work - cleansing places/malevolent spirits,  though I don't get paid for it,  and I use my wandering travels for concerts to intuit out the places that need healing or spirits that need to be liberated to be returned into the cycle of souls or just forced to confront the light if they're just a nasty unrepentant piece of work seeking harm to other souls. I have some crazy stories from it, especially before I changed the rules up and put some old gods on standby to clean up whatever I mark and contain for them rather than having to go through the old process of summoning and asking before they can step in to battle with unincarnated souls on this plane. technically, the rule is that an incarnated soul must ask the powerful unincarnated spirit for assistance before the great ones can get involved with cleansing out the malevolent unincarnated dark spirits -- I just have an "always ask" for assistance with those who responded when I asked to change the rules of HOW I have to ask.) The hawk god and crow deities are even more viciously overprotective of me than my Goddess - without me alive,  they go back to lacking purpose and lacking battles to fight in the modern world unless someone asks them for something.  So they will not only defend me as protection but those deities will attack any who would attack me - so you had better hope this was just a weird thing and not an omen warning me you intend to attack me. You do not want to fuck with me on a spiritual energy work witch level because long before you ever reach me,  the ancient powerful ones who protect me will fuck your shit up.  And Ra, the hawk god, he will take you out if he sees you as a threat to me. It's what hawks do.   Don't try it. Hexing me is quite literally suicidal.  That's a warning - the hawk god and the crow deities will fuck you up for even considering it without even telling me about the situation. The Goddess warns me about anyone considering an attack on me, the hawk god and crow deities are predators and just take out the threat without even asking or telling me anything about it. 

1pm update:

I found their nest!!!  To the right of my balcony is a gutter with a mesh screen on it and there's a small hole at the corner of that gutter where it's not quite attached and I saw several wasps fly in and out of that corner of the gutter!!  Still don't know how 4 of them got in my unit like that - that's weird....  But now I can give Condo Management some observation for them to at least check! 

And I think these are the invasive European paper wasps....  They're longer,  their wings are narrower,  their waists are tiny AND most importantly,  WI pest management says they make nests inside gutters with teeny openings like this.... 

 

8pm addendum: 

After the sun set and the wasps go to sleep, I let the trapped one outside and in the process found the one hiding between the screen door and glass door -- it's hiding under the door handle of the screen so yeah; Glad I waited for them to be asleep....  But I let the one who had been trying to attack Crystal go and gave that wasp a VERY strong talking to and told her not to come back. I still will have to deal with the one hiding under the door handle of the screen door handle and trapped between the screen and the glass though.  I couldn't convince it to get out from there when it just wanted to hide and sleep tonight and I don't want to deal with it while it's ornery af trying to attack me through the glass..... On verra. I'll figure it out.  Still no sign of any others having got into my flat today. Will be up and in the living room watchful for them and how they might have gotten in during the wee hours, predawn, and sunrise. 

11:11pm addendum:

Also. the Leo part of  the Mercury retrograde in Scorpio reading from Bronx on their Patreon pulled Happiness then  had Retaliation pulled from the Oracle Desk and Bronx was ADAMENT against going that route even if Scorpio tempts and then said the thrid card pulled was Libra and Bronx goes, "I keep tellin y'all, Leo and Libra. Y'all love each other and that's why you're so awful to each other. And you just need to stop. Take in that Libra energy and harmonize and balance instead of lashing out. That's what you need to do leos. C'mon now -- this is on you blocking your own happiness by  choosing to attack because you love them and they won't love you back while you acting a vengeful fool. So just stop it. Swallow your pride, I know it's hard for Leos  but do it. And choose to harmonize so you can be happy. This is y'all get to choose in the balance between vengeance or happiness and you a fool if you don't choose happiness. stop playin yourself and blocking y'all's own shot. Own up how much Leos love Libra and swallow your pride and choose happiness not retaliation. This on you and your choices Leo."

I didn't write that last post to cause pain -- I'm sorry if it did. I dislike unnecessary suffering and I most certainly dislike me being a cause of unnecessary suffering. There will always be a certain amount of learning by suffering, for there are things we either can't learn through joyous paths or that we have refused to learn by brighter paths. But I tend to seek the way that leads to the least amount of unnecessary suffering. 

And for me, that includes mercy killings to avoid a worse death and a complete fidelity to Truth even when the honesty hurts. I consider deliberately lying to be the greatest cruelty you can do another person for it is to intentionally undermine their relationship with reality and Truth. I firmly believe that lying to myself or others will always cause greater suffering in the long run than even the most brutal honesty -- because lying will still ask you to come to terms with the hard truth once you learn it AND on top of that truth you must also now come to terms with the breach of faith and broken trust and disorientation of the gaslighting from the lie.

I can fall away from truth by the limits of my own subjective experience -- and I have to cope with recalibrating and adjusting same as anyone else when i find out my subjective view was blindered. And I can be wrong (in which case I will admit it as soon as I see the evidence) and I can be wrong-headed stubborn thus blinding myself to truth by my own willful refusal to see another way.

I can choose to keep the truth to myself in silence til a better time or I can choose to soften how I tell a truth or i can choose to be painfully blunt in how I say it -- but if I say anything it will always be as close to truth as my current knowledge allows. Nothing I tell you in this life will ever knowingly be a lie - it will only be an untruth as far as what is assumed but not said and the limits of my own subjective perspective limit me from seeing the entirety of objective truth. It will never be a lie about my subjective experience of the events that happened and I will try my damnedest to limit any spin on it even if it means showing myself in unflattering lights.

I'm a Libra sun and a Capricorn moon -- my fidelity to Truth is stronger than anything else in this life. It is even stronger than my allegiance serving as a vessel for Ma'at and Karma. The only thing I recognize as greater than the sanctity of discovering Truth is the sanctity of free will - choices made of free will are sacrosanct as they determine one's personal karma beyond the lessons they are required to learn. 

And my fidelity to truth includes me insisting on bringing to light facing any uncomfortable or ugly truths that anyone wishes to bury or hide. Any chance encounter with me will force the shadows into the light and the hidden buried truths into the open. Even if I don't take a direct hand in it, the greater powers of Creation who I serve will use me as a catalyst to force them into the open. Denial instead of acknowledgement for healing will only force Karma to use ever harsher and crueler methods of making you learn the lesson and face the truth. I am completely serious when I tell people that serendipity lives on my left shoulder and karma on my right so be VERY careful with how you handle me and what comes to light in and around your dealings with me because it will always be a reflection of whatever is in you that you're refusing to face or heal - and there's not a damn thing I can do about it to soften the intensity of karma surrounding me. It's just who and what I am....

I would do you no favors if I tried to hide truths from you.... Even if they are intensely painful and bitter hard truths and not a damn thing of what you or I want to hear or what we want to be true. I don't consider it the greater cruelty to be honest with sharp-edged truths,  the greater cruelty would be for me to knowingly lie to you about hard truths. 

P.S. If you need something less heavy, watch this fan submitted video for Wonder by morgxn. It's such a beautiful brilliant celebration and affirmation of inclusion for so many of the myriad prism of human experience and identity.  Listening to the song and watching the defiant will to joy no matter how hard life gets that is expressed in the video has been one of the great delights in my life since its release in late July!!! I'm pretty sure I'm at least 10% of all those Youtube views, lol.  Morgxn has been one of my absolute favorite current musical artists since the very first time I heard Home back in like 2017. And then my dear friend who is a gay Druidic male witch currently becoming a pagan chaplain sent me a link to watch that music video for it and it made me ugly cry tears of joy for being such a huge hug of acceptance for so many who are marginalized bullied and for some of my very dearest friends who are LGBTQ or non-binary. And I am always here for the person whose honesty shining their own Truth makes them feel rejected by the rest of the world... I'm always here for giving them a big welcoming hug, telling them that they are beautiful and lovable just exactly as they are, and then telling them to fuck the haters it's time to sparkle and dance while we're alive... 

It's the same place in me that my punk Goth facet comes from as well, embracing those who shine honesty even if they've only ever been bullied and teased and ostracized for their honesty.. I will always stand by the outsider minority group and never the bullying clique using their power to ostracize or make a second class of others. Always. Haven't you learned that about me yet over all these millennia?

Some thoughts as Pluto moves direct (FINALLY!)

 So last week Weds, I was late to the 7:30pm Patreon that Dave did for WB3 and I'd been drinking red wine that night and so I thought he'd seemed like his normal self,  not the heavy going through the motions very anxious about sound constantly checking the comments like he was looking for something not there of the last one he did before that I had missed didn't know he was doing (also some lives he did back in Aug that I missed to watch later he was that heavy anxious going through the motions way.)  Friday,  Crissy set me straight that the first part he was heavy and later was joyous happy version of him and when I told her I hadn't known because I started watching late (and told her when I showed up) she nodded said,  "Yep.  That's exactly when the change happened.  You can go see for yourself."   It was. 

I need to remind myself more often that how I think of him,  all lit up with joy,  is how he is when he sees me but that's not how he always is.  It took me many years to realize that about David and sometimes I still need the reminder.... His inner light being that bright is contingent on me at this point. Same as I fill up with a completely irrational joy every time I ever see Dave, it's been that way since we first crossed paths this life. 

As for Eric,  I've already told you how that is.  And it doesn't matter how he finds ways to reach for me along the bond if he doesn't fix the fuckup made by his sister and Jessie blocking me and other fans from the band account for being honest that the shitty country music would keep us from shows and THEN after the system of ostracism was created by them,  deciding to put content exclusively on the band instagram account while ignoring and gaslighting all attempts to communicate with them that this really happened and was really done in the band's name and is really fucking cruel and unjust undermining everything the band ever claimed to stand for.  And that last part,  Eric is as guilty if not more guilty than the girls about doing things live on the band's instagram account and only putting content there.  Eric has no future with me in this life without fixing this fuckup made in the band's name on the band's Instagram account. Period.  All he can do is hurt me more than he gives me joy every time he tries to reach me if he doesn't fix this wrong.  

As for the band,  there's nothing Delta Rae can create that I have any interest in unless they address and fix the bullying behaviors done in their name and perpetuated by defensiveness rather than accountability of actions. I genuinely want nothing to do with that sort of hypocrisy from people who claim to care about equality and talking truth to power yet blocked their own fans for being honest with them about something as petty as disliking country style vocals because they cause you pain due tour synesthesia.  They have chosen defensive gaslighting tactics rather than facing the wrong they did.  Band of southern white storytellers indeed.  Your actions speak louder than words here - and your actions label you hypocrites and liars on the issues of justice, ostracism, and actually wanting to hear the truth.  And ain't nobody can change my mind or fix this except the band fixing the wrong done in their name.  You had a chance to fix it and address it when you went independent, the choice to ignore and gaslight it because of Britt's defensiveness over her part in it is on you. I don't want anything from the band any longer - nothing you do or create will bring me anything but the reminder of your cruelty and hypocrisy at this point.  And nothing changes that truth other than someone fixing in the name of the band what was broken in the name of the band....  

And Eric has no future with me in it this life without fixing this set of fuckups his sister created/perpetuates and acknowledging his part in it. It's that simple.  I write out my pain here and how deep he hurts me because of the love under the pain - but I do it to feel it and release it, to lance the poisons in the hurt, not because I have any temptation to have anything to do with him with this festering mess of choices made in the band's name is left unhealed. If it were up to me alone,  I don't want him trying to reach me if he won't even try to fix what he was part of breaking.  I don't feel a net amount of joy in his love,  I feel deep pain from it thar is greater than the joy in his love because of the past fuckups he/they created and perpetuate and refuse to even acknowledge let alone redress.  I'd rather he couldn't reach me so long as he makes no effort at fixing that actual wrong done in his name and that he has continued to take active part in the bullying system of ostracism EVERY time he posts or goes live on the Delta Rae Instagram account,  tbh. His actions making a hypocrite and a bully out of him hurts more than my joy in feeling his love - what good is the love if the relationship is toxic or abusive? And can any relationship that has any form of bullying,  ostracism, and gaslighting be anything besides toxic and mentally/emotionally abusive? 

And you shouldn't think any amount of me writing out my pain here means I've changed my mind even the slightest on my own choices/reactions. I haven't.  I can hurt over might have beens and should have beens without wavering over what I choose for myself based on where we are now and the paths that are open to us. 

David didn't have the means to convince me that I could trust myself with his love, that I wouldn't end up hurting him by accepting his love. I didn't trust myself until Eric was removed from my options by the actions done by Eric and his sister since October 2018.  The consequences of Britt's choices and actions under the advice of Jessie  and Britt's ever-increasing defensiveness as she knows she did wrong but won't admit it is what has closed and locked Eric's chances while opening up opportunity for Dave that he'd never have had this life so long as Eric was an option for me.  I wasn't allowing David opportunities so long as I was afraid I'd end up hurting him by choosing Eric at some undefined future point - taking Eric entirely out of my options based on the bullying choices of his band in which he has knowingly participated is what made me open up to David since I now trusted me not to hurt him that way.  The closing of the door of opportunities due to what Eric and his sister chose is precisely what opened the door of opportunity  inside me to trust myself not to knowingly hurt David as long as his heart is set on me. 

That's how it's been for just over a year now.  And that's a direct result of the choices each of those men made at the end of August 2019.... That's when I directly tagged and contacted Eric's socials,  in addition to the band generally, about why it was hurtful and wrong to go live on the band Instagram account to "celebrate with all their fans" when some fans had been and were still blocked on the band's Instagram account for having been honest that country music at shows would stop them from attending future shows.  He chose to go ahead on the live and gaslight the issue by ignoring it as if it didn't exist on his personal accounts as well as on the band socials and attempts to see if it could be addressed sent to their email address.  Those were Eric's choices in August 2019, and he made them right as David was realizing how deeply his desire for me went even with his then girlfriend right there and he decided he had to leave that relationship so he could woo me to choose him.  Those were the choices each of them made in August 2019, that's how we got to this point on this path.  Where it goes from here depends entirely on choices made from where we now are.  

 I decided to remove the last post because timing and internet and such.... Still true,  but don't need it written out here...   Not gonna lie though,  I am wondering if I ought to take down this post I put up on my facebook  following the debate but before the news 45 was infected by Hope.  

I think it's obviously enough a joke it's fine though.  (Claiming you're descended of the bloodline of Jewish Prophets with the genetic markers to prove it and that you got angry enough you asked G-d to mark for the Angel of Death all who chose to disrespect the newly dead,  defy Jewish burial traditions, and intentionally undermine true Justice for partisan injustice and G-d agreed isn't really a joke.)

Had a lovely birthday!!!  Went to Spring Green with Crissy and Mikaela and was at APT deep in the woods on a wander for golden hour into sunset then sitting in the empty theatre listening to actors/actresses telling theatre anecdotes on their If Trees Could Talk audio tour.  Also found some books I've been searching for and others I didn't yet know I needed at one of my top favorite curated indie bookstores which is serendipitously named for my favorite 20th century play (Arcadia,  by Tom Stoppard, obvs.) The book I was most excited about finding there was the Ursula K. LeGuin book,  The Dispossessed, that I read last week and immediately felt my da needed to own and read on his trip out to their cabin in Montana (they leave early this morning the 3rd) but I never made it to search the used stores and it's hard to find - but there in their small but well curated scifi section Arcadia Bookstore had it as an $8 paperback!!  I was so giddy over it,  every time I looked at it,  because it meant I could give it to him tonight when I picked up my dog before they left town!!!  Also, Arcadia's to go cafe area makes the most fucking amazing hot caramel apple cider I've ever had!! Not even alcoholic but so incredible!!! But my favorite part was definitely traipsing in the woods over hill and dale visiting longtime tree friends while listening to poetry read by the actors/actresses followed by the audio anecdotes in the gloaming as the stars came out seated in my favorite outdoor theatre.  💖

 I haven't slept yet and I'm not tired and I'm thinking maybe I should get up make a cuppa herbal tea and read while I wait til after sunrise to try again to sleep - lord knows I can never sleep across the hours of gloaming...  Mystics would say it's because as the doorway times between night and day, it's the wyrdest hours when the veil is always thinnest. I dunno if that's why, I just know their approach wakes me up so I'm super alert and has this whole life....  

First I couldn't sleep because my feet were like icicles and nothing would warm them (they still are.) And then because a melody fragment that haunts me was playing in my head as I settled into dreamspace.... Pretty sure it's Eric's because 1) it's on piano and 2) every time it's playing in my head, I feel that flooding rush of his love into me and surrounding me and just holding me. I think that playing piano is how he's been transcending his ego to reach that place of pure love that opens wide the bond in full flood so he can reach me.  He's practicing somehow, getting better and better at reigniting that bond into full force, he's done it every day since the first time he did it by accident.  He's stubborn, even more stubborn than me - boy's got to have a damn lot of Capricorn in him to be so determined because that's definitely not his Piscean sun sign makes him so stubborn.  I think he does it at the piano - plays out his pain and longing til he meditatively gets lost in the playing til there's only his love and need to somehow reach me inside him.  I think that because it's a way without drugs he could reach that transcendent place of love and because there's always faint piano music out of nowhere inside my inner quiet right before the bond comes alive in an intense flood of his love.  

It's not fixing or healing anything that broke, it's not removing the poisons and I stand by that process of accountability and active effort being critical for healing so the connection can be healthy not toxic - but while it's all alive intense like that it's a shared euphoric comfort that the love IS. And it's a euphoric comfort that's real and impossible to deny its power and beauty and truth while inside it. 

It feeds the stubborn part of my heart that insists against all logical arguments that anything that leads to separation or trying to quiet the bond between us is wrong at a fundamental laws of ths Universe level and that only both of us choosing a path of that intense transcendent love will heal us... It makes me question if I'm not doing an injustice to Dave in saying that with how raw and warped askew things are between Eric and me, that if David chooses me I'll choose to honor our anam cara karma and choose him for a life partner as long as it's the path he'd choose.  (Dave hasn't talked to me about it yet and he's currently in a state of high anxiety trying to fix the damage he's done with me removing myself to a polite distance boundaries from him since he went up to New Hampshire to share a studio space with Siobhan while recording some instrumentation for her and Aisling's album.  I dislike Siobhan's music, her voice is painful to my synesthesia,  and there's something in her energy is a lie that sets off warning bells to my empath senses.  So I decided if he chooses to let himself be seduced ny her false spirituality overlaying an energy vampire trap, David is free to do so if that's his choice  as he and I have no formalized  claims on each other at this time.  I did tell him straight out privately after he shared a version of one of her songs she released with him doing harmonies on it that due to the colors of her voice to my synesthesia and the pain it causes me,  there is nothing he can ever record or perform with her that I will like - but if she makes him happy then it doesn't matter if I dislike it. But that's just plain truth - if a voice is clashing colors (including in off-key notes for stylistic reasons) or the vocalists have timbres that don't blend, especially at the intervals chosen, then nothing can stop that particular voice from causing me pain every time I hear it. So anyway,  Dave is feeling anxious not confident in himself at all regarding me now that he's realized 1) her influence on his music alienates me and 2) the optics of his choice and her spinning of it has made it look like he's dating her (and maybe he is, a whole "love the one you're with" sort of mentality.)   And that's his choices made this mess,  it's for him to clean up if he so chooses (he's trying, but now he's anxious and overthinking he'll make things worse somehow.)  

But it means I doubt he'll make a move to define anything with me in the very near future.  He's trying to damage control undo me reinstating my carefully proper polite but firm distant I treat him with when he's had girlfriends. It's causing David frustration and anxiety and killed the light of his joy which he had earlier this year as he has felt that distance closing. 

But he chose what he chose to be distracted and enticed by Siobhan's lure. And he happened to choose to undo all the progress he had made with me right as Eric was figuring out how to transcend his ego to the place of love where nothing can weaken or muffle the bond...  And.  Genuinely, I question myself and if I should trust me to be with anyone but Eric since I can't disentangle the intensity of love tugging me toward him....  Perhaps it's best I return to my happily hermitic celibacy of not dating anyone that I've been in for like nearly a decade now. Ever since I decided no more dating if I could see the end before the beginning because I didn't want to break any more hearts of any other men whose only real flaw was not being Eric who my heart's been set on since before we crossed paths in the flesh this life.... *shrugs* I've never even installed any dating apps or created any dating site profiles - it's always felt to me a waste of time as I'd not find what I sought that way.  (incidentally also means you'll never find me that sort of way.... I have a facebook account with my real name/picture, a Twitter account with the same hipster Belle avi I use here, and an Instagram account under the name infinitefacets (like this blog) with no pictures or stories posted and for the avi it's a picture of my dog in a paper crown from BarkBox because I got sick of unsolicited dick pics and randos hitting on me on insta when there was anything that showed I was a girl.... And that's it for my social media usage.  Any other online seeking me is like going out to a bar to try to find me - pre-covid I only went out for concerts and theatre and meeting family/friends for a chat over dinner/drinks this last decade. So I sure as hell don't go out now without concerts or theatre.  Bookstores or errands or stopping by my work or making plans with me are the only way to see me now.  Mikaela (the now 15 year old who's my bonus sister-cousin-niece-bff unrelated to me) is the only person who's been inside my condo unit besides me, my dog,  my cat,  and my bird since mid-March....  I'm pretty intensely in a hermit phase since March. 

But yeah.  David has lost ground to recover of me being politely distant respectful of boundaries due to choices he made before he could end up changing my status of nearly perpetual hermitting through this season of humanity.  Lots of gods and goddesses and angels and devas protecting me surrounding me all the time now though. I'm VERY well guarded from negative energies attacks right now. Even though without concerts,  I'm not traveling anywhere to stir up trouble and cleanse places that need it. 

 P.S. Lightworker Tarot & Oracle isn't my favorite reader, but she occasionally has some very insightful guidance from Spirit so I usually check in with her on pertinent signs at the start of the month and if it's not resonating with me I stop part way through because they're all so loooooong. (Unless I'm checking on someone else, for me personally I check in on my Libra Sun, Pisces rising, Cap moon, Scorpio stellium including Venus, and Sag stellium including Mars.)

 But I have to say, her October reading for Libra is quite... pointed... Very specific here. At least she didn't have Strength reversed and go on and on about "what's UP with you Libras and this shady ass Leo energy around you?" when asking to clarify the third party situations that keep coming up as the crux of the problem like Bronx has had come up in nearly EVERY Libra reading for the last 2 years, especially in her Patreon extended readings, lol. Shady ass Leo sneaky behavior and manipulative jealousy and "doesn't have your best interests at heart third party" warnings and warnings and warnings for over 2 years now about Leos in Bronx's readings for Libra.....And I've just been like, "Euh. Yeah I know Bronx. I know. but I mean, it's not like I can fix this as long as she doesn't want it fixed -- what's broken in another soul is something only they can heal and only when they choose to. Til then, I just have to accept this malicious Leo third party ennergy or walk away from everyone and everything associated with her."

Capricorn was pretty well on the money for me also. So was Pisces. They both tend to be for me... Scorpio and Sag, despite both being stelliums AND my Venus and Mars respectively rarely fit for me even though astrologically they should. but it's apparently less strong than my sun-rising-moon. So if I don't feel like listening to so many, I pare down to always checking Libra, Pisces, and Capricorn. Always check Libra and Pisces. Always always have since I found out my birth time and rising sign as a kid.