Happy solstice!! Shortest day of the solar year is today and then the light only grows from here! (Sorry if you've missed me, I've hardly been on socials either if that makes you feel better.... But right now I'm trying to recharge my new laptop before bed because I didn't grab the cable/charger for it before I was using it in the afternoon to make sure I paid my electricity bill etc that come due while I'm gone and then was going through emails until I noticed I'd run the battery pretty well all the way down. So while having youtube vids on, you get to hear from me while I take my laptop from 18% back up to full charge.)

 This is short and random. I'm safely at my sister's (have been since the 9th) with minimal travel difficulties or anything (other than baggage handlers creating a large hole in my mom's hard sided carry on sized luggage for gifts that I was using as my carry on but ended up checking for free due to over crowded flights. Been dealing with that still have a pdf form to fill out on it since my mom insists AND learning that my neighbors downstairs put in a claim to replace their entire cabinetry and a laptop WAY more than the damage required and their insurance had filed a subrogation claim to my insurance company so I had to open a liability claim on my homeowner's insurance (which is going to suck for the deductible but also you need lawyers to deal with each other for subrogation or it gets to be a small claims mess and I don't play eff around and find out with legal when outgunned by corporate types) and am waiting for them to call me back which was supposed to be within two business days but they didn't and now it's holiday week coming up so trying to figure out if I should call them back or anything because I don't expect them to get back to me anyway. Those are the two VERY annoying adulting things I've had to deal with across the start of my visit.... Blech! Anyway, is what it is. (And what it is sucks. but also, this is what it means to be a single adult in late stage capitalism...) 

But that aside, I've been having a lovely visit!! Feeling very spoiled by them all and getting lots of time with everyone! And today was the last day of school for the big kids before winter break! (Niblings are 9 yo, 6yo, 2.5yo now) So I will REALLY be MIA with pretty much all my time claimed by them until I'm flying home. Let's see, Sat plan is Children's Museum, Sun Cath Cath is coming over to frost cookies party with us all, Mon night is the Packers game, Tues is Christmas Eve and we're doing a Wonderland Tea Party (we did a Princess tea party Sun), and then Weds is Christmas.

Between two rewatches in the last week of the entire film Nightmare Before Christmas AND numerous repeats of the songs (both original film and alt/metal/emo cover versions) played within the (somewhat unhinged) holiday playlist my sister and brother-in-law created for the car, I've been living with some combination of Making Christmas, Kidnap the Sandy Claws, and This is Halloween as my constant background earworm metronome I can't shake. This is replacing the Onóir arrangement of Home to Donegal that was in my head for my entire travel day and the mornings waking up in Seattle area -- before the Jack Skellington takeover of my internal jukebox replaced Home to Donegal on internal loop. BUT every once in a while another ear worm sneaks in and I get stuck in my head one of my brain's crazy earworm remix medleys that are the hardest to shake because they don't exist outside of my head and sometimes the musical phrases/progressions are very fragmentary..... Last night it was with the Muppets song At the North Pole Comedy Club mixed with This is Halloween and there's the well known in these parts mashup of Goblin Christmas to the tune of Making Christmas (but you have to sing it in your best metal voice, which I am definitely not the best at even though this remixed earworm is my fault.) Tonight, my brain has given me the special gift of mashing up Kidnap the Sandy Claws woven through the Pokemon theme song (which I have finally learned all the words to be able to sing the theme song in my sleep thanks to numerous repeats of playing it by my nephew, the source of the vast majority of my Pokemon knowledge beyond my very frequent usage of the catch phrase and knowing a bit about some of my adult friends favorite characters I've learned over the years: Pikachu and Espion and Mewtwo and Squirtle and Charmander and Snorlax and Meowth and Jigglypuff and Bulbasaur.) This, this is quite the mash up to be getting ready for bed trying to fall asleep to, let me tell ya ... A sample from it goes something like, "you teach me and I'll teach you -- Pokémon! Gotta catch them all! [four measure instrumental bridge of my brains own invention] Kidnap the Sandy Claws, lock him up real tight, Throw Away the keys and turn off all the lights [guitar solo back] Gotta catch them alllll!" I understand why my brain made this remix version, but also, it's definitely NOT the most restful lullaby I could be trying to quiet my brain to fall asleep to, on this or any night.... 😂 So we better hope this cuppa chamomile tea works it's sleepytime soporific magic for me despite the ongoing influence of this very energetic internal lullaby mashup keeping me wide awake.

Other than some gifts randomly picked up or still coming in (including my Target order I didn't want to try to bring through TSA or checked) this year's Wrap-a-pa-looza is over since I have wrapped all the gifts currently in the house that need wrapping (except the ones they picked up for me, my sister wrapped them before I arrived rather than have me play blind man's bluff gift wrapping.) Last night during our post kiddo bedtime "sometimes cocktail/beer o'clock" paired with selections from the TV queue that the adults of the household saved for my visit, we reached the halfway point of our chainsaw carving competition (A Cut Above, or something like that) and finished off the last episode of For the Love of Cheese from my last visit. We started tonight on Is It Cake? Holiday Special which is only four episodes but definitely feels very Holidays Intensifying, lol. And we have like 80 episodes of Horrible Histories (a comedic BBC B rated Monty Python feeling show on history; very funny!) so don't expect we will finish it before I leave.

This morning, the sun rose to show a light dusting of snow on the world!!!! And it made my heart so happy!!!! 💖 It wasn't anywhere in the forecasts at all and it still isn't, it's probably my fault because I've been jealous of all the lake effect snow east of us on the other side of the Great Lakes and last night as I was leaving work in the wee hours I stared up at the low clouds blocking out the stars heaved a big sigh and said, "You LOOK like snow clouds and even though I know you're not, I DO so wish you would bring me some snow. It's December already and there's hardly been any at all here..." And then when the gloaming started to brighten as the sun rose on the other side of the low dense clouds of today, it showed everything coated in a dusting of small shifting flakes of fresh snow!!!!  And it makes me so happy!!! 

I've not yet made coffee or breakfast, just stayed up all night once home drinking tea and reading Oz books (we were talking about them after seeing Wicked and I realized it's been well over a decade since I re-read Baum and finally read the Maguire series (which at the time only had three books which is all I've read and I only own the first two need to get Lion Among Men and Out of Oz in the original edition so they all match OR pay for them all new in the reissue so they can match the prequel coming out in Spring AND apparently there's a followup trilogy; but while the stories of Wicked are good, I don't love his writing style because it's pretty much just fan fiction enough to want to invest a lot of money into it) and decided I'm overdue for a reread and Crissy reminded me that the original series has a lot of titles but they're super quick reads so I'm just starting book 6 of 15 now -- L. Frank Baum wrote 14 for the series and then some random comics and short stories; I only have one of the books of short stories intended for younger little kids, thus 15) while sitting in my reading chair with Spock curled up purring asleep in my lap and the candles lit and my Christmas tree plugged in (with Halloween underneath; I'm getting old enough and being single I do have to question if I ever will have kids not just fur babies.... But I think even if I ever do have kids or if I decide I have so many ornaments that I need more than one tree, I still love the look and idea of having all the Halloween decorations (that aren't permanent decor for me) beneath the tree to honor Jack Skellington til after kiddos would go to sleep for Christmas Eve and Sandy Claws can save Christmas morning. I just like it better than the mounds of presents visibly piling up tempting and taunting people...and I like the first sight of the filled stockings/presents to feel like magic -- that doesn't happen if presents are under the tree early....)

Wow. I really should get some coffee going and get caffeine in me to help focus the ADHD a bit more.... Congratulations if you managed to untangle all the parenthetical thoughts of those run on sentences to convey a really straight forward image of my staying up all night winter cozy hygge reading and drinking tea -- just told with way too much back story. I need to get breakfast going though (if I can ever convince this cat to let me up). Unless I decide to hold off on the laundry in which case I'll make it when I get hungry enough, lol. Unless I decide to sleep now I'm on the other side of the sunrise..... I may be so many hours awake that my body is tired enough that drinking coffee will just knock me out asleep... On verra. 

Anyway. I got over 20 hours in for this week which is good as I still have lots of errands and things to get done before I leave. I'm not (yet) time stressed but I do have a lot to get done... As for plans this week, Weds night is the company holiday dinner party (held extra early so I can join), Thurs night is the Packers game which I will likely watch at my parents house with my mum and the dogs because she and Sophie love having me and Waffles come join us all watching together, Fri night is the Madison Symphony Orchestra holiday show. THEN I want to try to get in as much of my 40 hours of works across Sat-Sun-Mon as I can which will have me time stressed but will make me less stressed about making up ptso.... AND on Mon morning I have my optometry appointment at 9:20 (which does have me time stressed, especially if they don't have contacts in stock or samples for me -- I've had the same contacts since August can't order more and they keep canceling my appointments for in house training and then it's three or more weeks to get the next available and I've been trying since September and I fly out at 6:30am next Tues so really need at least sample contact to get me through until I get back for paying/picking up my actual prescription before the year ends so EyeMed coverage will be off 2024 not 25....) Even with wanting to get 40 hours of work done in three days and pack and deal with the eye optometry and maybe sleep at least a little, I am thinking about throwing in going to see Four Seasons production of All Is Calm (spoken word from the real survivors letters and vocal harmonies of Christmas songs telling the story of the Christmas Truce of 1914 during WWI) as a matinee over the weekend and just not doing brunch or dinner around to so I can go back to working.... The show is beautifully done and I didn't see it last year since it was only while I was out west. Crissy brought it up and now I kinda do want to go.... Otherwise my mom said she will go with Crissy after I leave if she wants. I'll text ask Crissy about it later this week, just not today since she's in Clear Lake taking her dad to an appointment. 

Anyway. I didn't really have a point to starting this post. I guess, I should admit in the name of honesty that there's a part of me feels real bad about walking away in the dream the other night back into waking not even giving the polar bear a chance to say more.... But... I don't see how talking is going to help because without changing the toxic repeating behavior patterns, nothing good can grow of letting him reach me. It's not what I want, I would much rather have run to him and hugged him and snuggled into him even if I can only do that in dreams -- it took more will power than you realize not to react to him in that instinctive heart pulling way. But there's been enough hurt scarring the both of us repeating these idiotic toxic cycles and they don't change without changing the patterns of behaviors that create/foster them. And I guess that after six years of it, I've just given up on expecting any change or desire to heal from anyone but me and all I can do to change the dynamics is refuse to play the game and step myself out of it if all that is offered to me is the same patterns, the same boundaries of other people's choices.... I don't like it, but I don't have anything else I have any agency in that stops repeating the harmful cycles set in motion by his sisters choices in the bands name back in October 2018.... Find me a better answer or this is the choice I will stick with to let him go walk away from the dynamic entirely if it is only offered to me in a toxic poisoned form. It hurts me to know he's sad and upset, especially if it's because of me, but that isn't enough to change my mind this time to allow myself to soften and go back allowing the same patterns to continue. It's easier to make myself let him go while believing he has found someone else and is pursuing the happiness he has chosen for himself -- but I am capable of doing hard things and I can let him go even knowing my absence sorrows and hurts him if I deem that is the only way I can take a stand to not allow us to be used to cause pain to each other due to the toxic cycles created by third party boundaries and choices. I know it looks and feels cruel but.... What could he possibly say if there's still no change to the dynamics of me being ostracized from the central parts of his life and the toxic pattern that created and has perpetuated since Oct 2018? As I see it, feeding into those toxic patterns to continue is far crueller than saying "I love you but this isn't healthy for either of us and as long as this is making it so I'm not welcome in your life, the kindest thing I can do for both of us is to let you go and we will walk separate life paths for this life."

I dunno. Maybe there's a better answer I don't see. I'm not infallible. And this isn't a choice of immutable precog or prophecy gifts telling me it MUST be this way, it's a choice built of head over heart logic and intuition and acknowledging how much time has passed without any movement to fix what Britt broke back in 2018. But six years is a long time waiting for any healing or change from others with more agency to choose/create paths for me to feel welcomed into his life rather than ostracized from central core aspects of it. So I'm seizing what is within my own agency to choose and that is to refuse to play the games at all and to walk away from where I am unwanted and unwelcome even if that requires me releasing any hope of reunion with him this life or belief that maybe this life we could choose a life path together.  And that includes holding that line even when he tries to reach me in dream space without also showing me a path that isn't constrained by the same old toxic recurring patterns. 

 But anyway. The snow is beautiful makes my heart happy, I'm cozy and have things to get done but also not (yet) time stressed about leaving in eight days to spend nearly three weeks out in the Seattle area for the holidays. (I technically fly out and back three weeks apart, but only twenty days in Seattle area because my flight home is a red eye.) Time for more reading L. Frank Baum novels and tea drinking and eventually coffee that's more of a brunch than brekkie. And maybe an afternoon nap if I get tired enough or I'll just sleep whenever I get home from work Mon night into Tues morning....

 O! Also! To not fall too far behind! Here is last week's astro poets and this week's:

"Week of 11/24 in Libra: You can go anywhere. But where you most want to be is here. That’s what you can find and so you will. The sweetest love is all over you. It is bright pink and blue and makes a beautiful and positive opening."

 "Week of 11/24 in Pisces: So many poems are about this light. Let yourself fall into the poem. You are not ready to give up. So don’t. Let the light that comes in be the poem of yourself."

"Week of 12/1 in Libra: Something that extends into the future. There’s a sense of it all that can be. You quieted the orange in the light. You told stories that you most wanted to. Some of it was said just because you wanted to."

"Week of 12/1 in Pisces: You hold it all in front of you like a cord. So many tiny wishes and a final moment in blue. But if there are things glowing there are. So be it so. So you can as a friend and as a counting measure in blue."