April 28, 2017

this is whiney, i know. so I'll probably just delete it. later.

My head hurts. And nothing helps....  I've had a headache almost conatantly since they redid those damn carpets in the halls....  Right across the front of my head whenever I'm home and random ice picks on one side or the other, usually the right side,  after i've been gone the 4+ hours it takes to make the main headache dissipate. It's worse right now because it's too chilly to have the windows and balcony door open. And the only thing that reaches me psychically through the headache is when the flow of his love is strong along the inner bond....whether he's awake or sleeping,  it's only when he reaches along it that anything breaks through the headache into my inner space.

  I'm also constantly exhausted and the nausea is making me not hungry.  I'm losing weight from not eating. (i haven't eaten anything but my vitamins since I made my grilled cheese with smoked gouda on sourdough with some fresh rosemary and green garlic sprinkled in it and a side of parsnip chips over 30 hours ago.  And that was all I ate on Weds.... I'm not hungry and the thought of food when my head hurts so badly makes me feel like dry heaving.... )   But the constant headache almost a migraine is the worst part of it.....  And it's definitely affecting my reactions and moods to have a constant almost migraine.

(i guess it's probably good i'll have to mostly be at work and my parents house starting this weekend.  It's the house i grew up in,  it's a random Cape Cod style in the middle of small post WWII houses and it looks like a seaside cottage dropped here for no reason.  No other houses anywhere in the area look like it.  My parents have redone the kitchen,  living room,  and my old bedroom since I moved out,  but my room and the yards are still so full of my energy it's like I'm still there.  My parents haven't really changed the gardens or most of my trees,  they've just run wild. My da does take care of the raspberry bramble my grandpa and I planted in the backyard  And my da and I have buried every family pet back there along the hill after they died.  And they keep the door to my old room shut except when houseguests are staying there so my energy is still there.  When my mum redid it she said she wanted to make it still coordinate with my residual energy but grown up - so it's still sunshine yellow and all angled eaves but with wood floors and a Persian carpet. It looks like an extension of my flat,  lol. When my parents retire in five or six years they're moving out to their place in Whitefish Montana,  but if I'm still in the area I can have the old house I grew up in. My sister out in Seattle certainly has no interest in it. That's their plan.  Me,  I don't really plan,  I just wander.  And I'm fond of the house. There are worse solutions if I'm still here.)

April 27, 2017

Psst!  You know that you're super adorably strong and intense full of love flowing in on the bond for the last hour and a half or two,  right?  Very heady strong,  but in a really tender soft way if that makes sense.

It's sweet.  And it makes me wish i could just wrap my arms around you right now and snuggle right into your chest and stay there til you're sick of me.

And right now,  there's no doubt in my mind that would make you happier than anything else ever could.  I may have had my doubts before and I may have thwm again,  but right NOW I know with complete certainty that me wrapping my arms around you snuggling into your chest and your embrace because it's what I want would make you happier than anything else anyone could give you.  And it would make me happier than anything if I COULD do so right now.

And I like knowing that. Don't you?  I wish I could hang on to such certainty....

Instead,  I'm gonna water my houseplants or their thirsty cries will keep me awake.  And then,  I'm gonna go curl up in bed under the blankies with my polar bear stuffed bear (Kali,  the one from St.  Louis; Erik Bjorn the feisty pet is in the living room by the couch) and fall aaleep listening to the rain.  And snuggle my fluffy pupkins til she overheats and moves away and the cat will curl up near me somewhere on the bed.  And maybe I'll dreamspace that I'm actually able to hug and snuggle into his chest and arms like I wish I could... And that I can stay right there with him for as long as he wants me with him. That would be lovely. I can't think of anything better right now....  Can you?

Slow down you crazy child. Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while. It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two.

O my poor baby.... She had the worst tufts/dreds to work out tonight.... I blame myself.....Because it's my job to brush her hair, having a dog with long hair is like having a small child who can't yet brush their own hair with long hair....It's part of the decision to a) have the littleun and b) allow them to have long hair. If I don't want to brush her hair regularly, I should have gotten a dog with short fur or I should take her in for frequent haircuts instead of letting it grow out long and silky and shaggy.... (Actually, we both need haircuts. My hair is growing out slowly for me, it's only a little past my collarbones when pulled out straight and when it's curly it skims my shoulders. So it doesn't need to be trimmed EXCEPT that my bangs are no longer bangs, they reach that  hollow between the bottom lip and chin. (I don't know if there's a name for that, but you know what I mean.) So they're too long to be bangs but they don't stay tucked back in a headband or in a ponytail or even half ponytail -- they're pretty much just constantly in my face all the time and I'm constantly trying to flick them out of the way and tuck them behind my ears where they won't stay. And it means it's time I decide: cut bangs or angled long bangs back in or let them grow back out into long layers in my hair. And I HATE making this decision... Because I don't care and it looks good with bangs or without, it means deciding and I'm TERRIBLE at making decisions that don't actually matter but because Id on't much care, they just have to be made.... My dog just needs her summer cut once the weather levels out its crazy ass mood swings.)

But anyway, I feel guilty about the dogs hair.... REALLY guilty.... I hate hurting her no matter how gentle I try to be, especially since it's my fault she's got the tangles/mats/dreds... See, she has hair not fur so she doesn't blow a coat but it does get tangled and matted if not brushed, ideally I should brush her every day but I don't always....  And it's been a couple weeks since I've brushed her which is WAY too long.... Imagine if you never brushed your hair (or washed it) for several weeks and people were constantly tousling it petting it and playing with it.

Anyway, I feel like a bad pet owner now... Even though I put Billy Joel on (we both love it, and melody driven piano music makes her extra blissful happy) and cuddled her and sang to her while I brushed her hair. (I always sing to her and cuddle her while brushing/grooming her, ever since she was a puppy, most of the time she falls asleep unless I hit a bad tangle that pulls the skin makes her yelp.) AND then to make atonement, instead of just giving her one treat afterward, I gave her one of EACH type of treat I have here for her (which is six varieties from her BarkBox) AND a milkbone from Sarah's stash..... Which is ridiculously spoiled and it's no wonder whatsoever that she LIKES grooming even when it's painful..... But I STILL feel guilty about having put off brushing her so long and I feel like I'm a terrible pet owner....

Also, I need to buy a new comb for her now next time I'm at the pet store -- two more tines came out while grooming her (brushed with a brush first THEN combed) so it's now missing four tines and bent all to hell. And it's a fucking metal comb! πŸ˜‚

Can't even take care of the damn tools to take care of my damn dog. (But seriously, my hair has never been so tangled I've broken multiple teeth out of a comb.... That said, I HAVE broken brushes trying to tame the beast that is my curly mop. πŸ˜‚ That's not actually a joke. Yanked out bristles, pulled the rubber the bristles are stuck in out of the brush, snapped the damn handle off..... I've actually broken multiple brushes in my mane when I haven't brushed it in a while, lol.)

Pupkin is super silky and soft and fluffy right now though!!! I just wanna pet and cuddle her (and get her freshly brushed hair all tangled up so it needs to be brushed again tomorrow, hahahaha.) That said, she should get her puppy cut again relatively soon. I love how soft freshly shaved short hair is, on dogs and on boys, but I also love playing with and tousling hair long enough I want to get my hands in it -- and what I'm saying is choosing is hard... Not just about my bangs and if I should cut cut them or grow them out, but also if it's time to get the pup shorn or keep the long hair longer. Why can't there be a quantum cut, she she's both puppy cut short and shaggy muppet hair in her eyes?! (Remember, unless I have really strong opinions I'm incredibly indecisive if the decision doesn't matter all that much just has to be made, as mentioned and as you may have never noticed. Seriously, if I tell you I don't care then I genuinely don't care and you should just make a choice if you care. If I have an opinion, you'll know it. Trust me, you'll know. If you haven't figured that much out yet on your own, lol.)

Anyway, I'm nearly at 40 hours of work in for this week (I have to work Saturday afternoon/evening anyway to get the end of month deposit done before my parents head to Seattle and Whitefish for a week and a half.) Also, tomorrow is supposed to be chilly and damp and disgusting Spring weather (raining and 30s into 40s) so I'm going to stay home and have a fire in my fireplace and tidy up and probably get some laundry done. I have a  LOT of clothing I need to wash and my bedding needs washing... Plus, the cat will be happy if I stay home most of the next couple days I don't have any plans or need to work -- my parents are now leaving Saturday night at some point and staying at a hotel in Milwaukee because their flight is at 6am. So now I'm watching Tanner Saturday night as well as all day Sunday AND he can't go to my flat. Which means it's best if I spend as much time as possible with my cat because I either need to leave my parents dog alone or not be at my flat til Monday when i can drop tanner off at the store at 9am and go home for a bit.... Originally Tanner was supposed to be staying with either Sarah or Uncle Steve/Aunt Sondra, and it was only a week or so ago my parents informed me they were expecting me to watch the dog as well as stop by check in on the cat while they're gone...And what the hell was I supposed to say then other than make it clear it's actually a big inconvenience for me becaus ehe can't be at my flat and they don't want him alone for more than three hours at a stretch or outside off leash because they're freaking out like they've never had a dog before and they watch my dog when I'm gone so I can't REALLY say no....But I hadn't planned on it.... It means I can only go home when their dog is at work from 9am-6pm, otherwise I have to be at work or my parents house or leave Tanner alone which my da is flipping out about...And the Saturday they're gone 10a-2p and both Sundays they're gone I can't even go home except while I leave Tanner alone.  (That said, it means I'll only be going through those damn new carpet covered hallways during times it'll be aired out........)

The biggest problem with my plan to stay home in my pjs or just a long tee shirt and skivvies with a fire in the hearth and my cuddly animals and music and books and cleaning/laundry/tidying up/cooking/baking for the next couple days is this: I still don't have any fucking coffee beans. I've not yet gone to go buy coffee. Which is stupid and my own damn fault blah blah blah. But damnit I'd really LIKE to have some coffee with brunch when I make it Thurs and Friday..... And I know I'm whiney, but it's about coffee (or the lack thereof) and I feel like that's something any/everyone is allowed to be whiney about, lol. And I'd really really LIKE it if I could have coffee as well as a fire and not have to change our of my pyjamas..... Grumph. I'll just plan to change out of my pyjamas to take the dog on a walk or out around the circle when she needs to go out and then I'll go to the store and buy me some damn coffee -- and no breakfast and no fire until after going on a coffee run.... (Downside of living by yourself...lazy days in don't work so well when you procrastinate buying more staples like coffee.... On the other hand, it means I don't have to worry about wandering around in my skivvies or naked and it bothering a roommate or the roommate bringing home friends/boyfriends without warning, lol.) But damnit I'd love it if someone would just bring me some coffee instead. My kingdom for some magic beans. (And I'll even share coffee with you and feed you and let you sit by the fire and talk with you, lol. Until I decide I want to read, and then your choices are to leave or read or draw/paint or cook or play the piano or putz around on your phone -- so long as I can read. No guitar, I need to pick up some new strings. And no TV or internet (other than on your phone) as I don't have either, lol.) And if it's REALLY good coffee and/or conversation, I might not even decide I want to read instead, lol.

Awww, pup is dream twitching and making those little sleeping dog sounds like bubbles popping. It's so cute!

O yeah, and the cherry tree outside my windows/balcony is so so so so soooooo close to the blossoms bursting into full flower!!! That waiting for something beautiful and wonderful, it's the best and the worst when it's so close but not quite....  While the cherry tree I basically live in is blooming is my favorite time of year living where I live. I just throw open all the windows and if it's nice out I just want to sit out on the balcony with my dog. Though it drives the cat crazy because he's stuck inside the flat.)It just smells so delightful and it's so beautiful!!!

Anyway, cold and damp for the next couple days = fire and staying at home nice and snuggly with my animals and some music and my books and tea (except for that lack of coffee beans at home, damn damn damn....) Which sounds like a delightful plan for my next couple days!

And if you don't hear from me, it's all good -- that's exactly where I'll be and my plans. Crazy, I know. Downright running wild.  Someone should definitely do something about me before I get myself into trouble this life....  (Actually, I ran too wild last life, I have zero desires for partying or celebrities or fame or money or easy hookup sex or anything of that sort...I find it all completely meaningless and don't understand the allure of it. I had all of it and I just felt empty. So this life, I get no thrill from any of it. It's the things that actually warm the heart because it's real and personally meaningful I give a damn about this life, not the easy cheap thrills. Which, if you're judging or expecting me to be impressed based on my last life means you're doing everything all wrong.  This life, it's only what's real and true and meaningful and beautiful as it IS not for the lies/illusions of popularity which will  get you anywhere with me. You'll get further with me with a handful of wildflowers and a coffee and a genuine smile than flashy clothes or name dropping or money. Sincerity and the beauty of truth, that's honest all you need with me this life. It's all I respond to....anything false makes me or designed to impress makes me lose interest.... Only what warms the heart because it IS and it's good and sweet and honest and thus beautiful (even when it's awkward or embarrassing) can impress me or endear you to me. It's just how I am this time around. For better or worse. I dunno if that's easier or harder.)

P.S. I'm totally bringing my sprigs of quince from my work garden home with me, lol. To tide me over til Farmer's Market on Saturday and whenever the cherry tree outside my windows and balcony blooms.

[Post Title: Lyrics to the Billy Joel song Vienna. I love this song! I know I say that about a lot of Billy Joel songs, but I always mean it.]

April 26, 2017

Alright, fine. I give up. I've said it before and I'll say it again, he's far more stubborn than me when I start getting all martyr complex trying to work against what I actually desire. He'll probably ALWAYS be more stubborn on such subjects, contrary and stubborn as I can be. And I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with this and have no problem with it....I mean, what fuels my self-martyrdom when it kicks in is usually some form of "he'd be happier if I weren't so much trouble, and the best way not to be trouble is to just not be involved" which is just a negative aspect of me wanting him to be as happy and incandescently happy as possible. So really all he has to do to outstubborn me on it is simply insist, "But what i want to make me happy is you, you silly woman!"

So this afternoon I was trying to internally insist it wouldn't be so bad if I just disappeared myself from the options he has because he doesn't exactly lack for women who are attracted to him so he'd get over it and the response back along the bond was pretty much, "That's true now and if it's what I wanted then don't you think that's what I'd have chosen?!" It actually made me laugh really hard and come off it and admit I should just trust he knows what he wants for himself.

Honest I think some of my combativeness and "o I should just bow out, only I'll be upset by that choice because he can easily find other pretty girls who will throw themselves at him" is because I'm so constantly sick right now with the headaches and the nausea....  It actually takes about 3-4 hours for the headaches to go away after I walk through the halls, and then I get random stabbing headaches in the same spot during all the hours I'm gone..... And if I wear my glasses instead of my contacts, it actually makes my eyes burn. And. whenever I'm sick or hurting, my capacity to shoulder other things that hurt me is severely curtailed.... It's a flaw I know to be in my character, if I'm hurting, i tend to throw up my hands and want to just stop other sources of hurt. It's something in me I need to work on.

And it IS true that he doesn't lack for options and he's a grown man and I should trust he knows what the hell he wants and why. And that if he wants me and I want him (and I do) then damnit why the hell am I making things even more difficult by trying to make me or him or anyone else believe I'm not what he wants?!

In other news, my quince at work is blooming!!! I didn't take any pictures of the shrub in bloom (it's hard to get the scope of how gorgeous the profusion of flowers is in a picture) but I DID trim off two sprigs to bring inside to make me smile while I work tonight:

I absolutely LOVE my quince -- I DEFINITELY want quince in the garden of my someday house, lol. Look it up if you need more convincing. It's a member of the rose family, most closely related to apples/pears (yeah those are actually members of the rosaceae family, lol) and it's native of the middle east and imported into Europe in the Medieval era. The flowers only have a slight apple blossom/rose scent, but the FRUIT smells like heaven!!!! It's this pretty golden apple/pear fruit (many scholars believe the apple given to Paris by Aphrodite and the apples used by Meleager to beat Atalanta in the race were actually quince fruit because apples as we know them hadn't been cultivated yet.) And I have to admit, given how INCREDIBLE fresh quince smells when it fruits in the autumn, I'd TOTALLY be distracted by the scent of it even in the middle of a competitive race.

Seriously, quince, fresh quince, has the most heavenly smell of any fruit or flower or berry in existence.... I wish I could distill quince into a perfume.

And I'm serious about wanting it in my someday garden. (It's actually better in the south and out west because the longer growing season gives the fruit time to fully ripen. otherwise it's a bit hard and only good for home-made jams and syrups, or for the smell.)

Also made me laugh today:
So I shared on Crissy's wall this picture of a flamingo suit just saying "I'm not going to ask the obvious question"

(The obvious question here is #WheresThePineapple and the reason I'd not post that publicly on someone else's wall should be obvious..... But as to why it's the obvious question.... Well, the day we went to the craft store and target, I noticed that everywhere we looked, this summer's thing is flamingos and pineapples. they're fucking EVERYWHERE. And anywhere you find a flamingo thing, you find a pineapple thing. So we started this inside joke of every time we found a flamingo thing, sharing it with the other person asking "But where's the pineapple?" or when we find a pineapple "but where's the flamingo?' and then the other has to find it nearby and respond. But, #WheresThePineapple on a man's suit is more than a bit suggestive, however. Especially to share publicly on someone else's wall.)

Anyway, what made me laugh is that SOMEHOW this picture became this crazy thread around which my family and friends (all mine, not any of her friends/family who she didn't meet as friends of mine; so that tells you which of us knows normal people and which of us knows silly people) responded with images of 1) more flamingo themed articles of clothing to complete your look (flamingo cufflinks, flamingo pocket square (weirdly entirely sold out of stock for good), and flamingo fedora -- this flamingo suit comes with matching tie, another flamingo suit which ALSO has a ladies version with a skirt available did NOT include a tie) and 2) men in absolutely ridiculously patterned  suits.... Including my friend Andrea's brother Brad cheeseballing it up when he was managing a restaurant on Christmas:

My sister won all the internets with her finds for this thread and how much she made me laugh. If you need a laugh, PLEASE peruse the variety of baller suits you can buy at Opposuits (limited styles for ladies as well.)  The Tulips from Amsterdam and "Tropicool" hot pink with palm trees shorts suit and "Iceman" popsicles are among my personal favorites, but the entire collection is incredible. Can you IMAGINE being one of the models, showing up on set and being asked to put on one of these "how to out ugly sweater every ugly sweater party" suits?!?!?! I'd be laughing WAY too hard to have any hope of a call back.... They're just so ridiculous..... I swear, this will be my go to "I need a laugh to reset my emotional state" go to henceforth. RIDICULOUS patterned suits by models trying to pretending they're cool.

Time to brush my dog because I've been neglecting her and she's got some knots/mats in her hair. Then back to alphabetizing.

Seriously though, I want a quince shrub (along with the other specific trees and flowers) in my someday house. (Weirdly, I know what I want in the garden and orchard of my someday house, but about the house itself all I've ever known I for certain will have in it is my library, wood floors, and a grand piano. I can't explain the piano logically, it's just always been there, in every iteration of my daydreams and precog flashes all my life. Since I was a small child. O, and at some point, in my someday house, I'll have a ginger cat I name Grace O'Meowly who is absolutely mischievous thieving incorrigible. Grace O'Meowly is only in the precogs.)

P.S. Amy just posted a video for Crissy and me of a douchey guy who bought the flamingo suit showing it off. O I can't. I just can't!!!! πŸ˜‚ I'm dying I'm laughing so hard.... Seriously, go check out those suits. Just LOOK at those suits at Opposuits. I can't look at them without laughing.
P. S.  I realized as I was walking through the hallways trying not to breathe or pass out: the worst about the way I was being is how unfair it is..... To him that is.

He's quite certain inside him he wants nobody else and that he doesn't want to lose that inner bond between us or for me to disappear from him so he can't find me reach me.  And i tell him i won't do anything to harm it unless he dates someone else so i'm getting overlays of tgem together - but i can't promise him a future together so he should look elsewhere even though he doesn't want to and that will likely cause me to try to shut down the bond which he definitely doesn't want....  And that's not fair to him at all....  And it's a damn lot of cognitive dissonance on my part....

And,  it's not true. I can't help but strengthen and grow the bond,  every time either of us reaches the other along it strengthens it. And,  i may not see the shape of it nor how to get there,  but if that bond is to be unharmed between us,  there ain't no future but one that draas our lives together. Somehow.  Regardless how tricky it is along the way getting there.... So whether i make that promise or not,  so long as I don't break the first one there really is no possibility except that it come true....

Still,  i must think on this later.  It's unnecessarily complicated...

But I know right now there's an intense flow of love along the bond and he's pouring all he can into it right now, strengthening it and pulling it closer tight as he can. And all I want to do is snuggle into the warmth and love of that bond and stay where I can feel it all around and inside of me,  for now and always. More than I've ever wanted anything. Which should make things simple, tbh.

The skies were weirdly peachy-lavender between the sunrise and the storm while I wrote this.  But the skies are now just the color of a fove's wing and the thunder is distant and fading and the rain is gentle now not pouring down and the birds are back out singing.  (I trust the birdsong more than I trust weatherman when it comes to predicting storms,  for the record.)  I'm gonna curl up and try to sleep now.

And.  It doesn't matter if I can promise right now to actively seek to bend our futures together - he doesn't want anything else and neither do I.  So it's stupid to think we'd either of us settle for anything else except by accident and misunderstanding. and frankly my instinctive subconscious is already doing all it can to bring us to that set of futures,  even when my logical conscious brain is cynical and bitchy and stubborn and can't see the way through.

So.  I'mma fall asleep to the raindrops and birdsong now.

P. S.  It really is heady and amazing to me,  how profoundly intense and deep all that love is that he has to pour down the bond to reach me....  Il n'y a rien d'autre comme cela,  comme lui. Et je ne voudrais jamais le perdre.  Jamais. Il me manquera trop,  je lui aime autant de crΓͺver mon coeur s'il m'est disparu..... Je ne suis pas sΓ»r que je peux le survivre sans perdre toute ma joie....

I say a little when I mean to say a lot. Maybe it's time for me to tell you: I pulled the sky down when I heard your voice. There is a promise that I owe you. There is a promise that I owe you. I give a lot but it is not enough, Just to be there when I need you. I wrote it out with a stick in the sand, I'll move a mountain if you ask me to.

Well, I COULD have not posted anything at all last night, not even the bitty post saying I had nothing to say... But I thought that would have been worse then a disappointing short post. Was I wrong?  And I know I COULD have posted it earlier and then you could have gone to bed earlier, but sometimes I can be in a quiet mood but then hours later I'll have something in my head/heart that needs saying. And I didn't know which sort of night last night was....and I have an aversion to lying, even unintentionally. Pretty sure I've told that story.....but the short version of it is that it's a conscious choice this life which I made in the fourth grade, when I had an epiphanic moment that the only way to have anything real is if it's built on trust and trust can't exist if you undermine it by lying -- either you undermine your own trust in the other person because they can't tell your truth from your lies or you undermine their trust in you when they discover or know you lied to them.  Either way, the lie is a willful choice and decision to undermine and destroy the primary foundations of your relationship -- and their can't be much meaning in any relationship you'd willfully destroy. Y'know?

At least that's how I feel about it, so I choose not to knowingly lie this life. (Except by omission, I DO lie by omission, by what I may not choose to tell people. And that includes when I know someone will misinterpret what I said even if what I say is the literal truth.....) Anyway, I can't find a way out of that logic that made me choose not to lie, so I stand by that choice and I'll avoid it unless it's entirely by accident or me thinking something true then finding out it wasn't. Even when it makes me difficult, lol.

(It's also why you'll know immediately whenever I'm angry or unhappy, no passive-aggressive bullshit or lingering ill will. When I lose my temper, you'll know, EVERYONE will know, but it will always blow itself out and be gone and I'll forgive the moment I'm not angry anymore. Too my sister nearly twenty years to understand this, that I wasn't making light of her residual anger or pain, I just honestly as soon as I'm emotionally reset don't carry the negative emotions like anger and what had me upset ceases to upset me as soon as I let the anger go.)

So, in the spirit of full disclosure, I should admit I was being a bitch (to myself and to him) in my honesty within myself this afternoon. I'm sorry. I can't always tell when the things I think/feel reach him along the bond, but sometimes I can, and this was one of them. And it upset him and I knew it as soon as I realized that but then i couldn't HELP pursuing that line of questioning inside me....

See. I realized. I promised I'd not do anything to harm the internal bond again because I know now how much even the threat of that possibility upsets him. And I stand by that promise and the reasons for it. And, the only exception I can think of is that I WOULD try to shut it up again if I was getting overlays I shouldn't.... Because... I mean, the bond is between us so it doesn't seem unethical to me to get peeks into his life or vice versa, BUT when it infringes on the places a third party would have every right to expect to be private, then it's ethically dubious at best and it makes me uncomfortable..... So that's my red line past which I would do whatever I felt necessary to stop the flow along the bond. Because it's doing wrong by someone else, and even if they'd never know, I would. And my conscience and sense of guilt is answerable only to me.

But I do stand by my realization and my promise not to do anything to harm the bond (with that one caveat) because now I know how that hurts and terrifies him, at a most basic deep level of his psyche. Which is all well and good. And definitely progress compared to, y'know, a year or year and a half ago.... Only, what was upsetting today was I realized, I hadn't promised that I'd work on strengthening or growing the bond or at trying to, bring our actual lives together, only that I'd not do anything to harm it. And, I can't promise that promise..... Because, there are too many variables that aren't mine to decide or choose that will affect if that's even possible. It's not that I don't WANT to make that promise or to make that happen, only that I CAN'T make that promise.... Because I don't make promises I can't keep, I only make promises I can keep. Or that I believe I can keep, that I can bend all my energies into keeping it barring something out of my power getting in the way.

But it was upsetting. Realizing I couldn't, at this time, promise to put my energy into growth or the effort to bring our lives together.... I'll promise not to do anything to harm it, but I won't promise to work on growing it and improving it because I don't know that I can keep that promise..... It's not that I don't want to, just that I can't say it's what the circumstances and personal choices will allow.......And that was upsetting to realize today. Incredibly so. And I still can't promise it, because I can't promise I can keep the promise..... As much as I want to.... And it upsets me not just that it upsets me, but also that me realizing this and thinking about it upset him....

Ugh. And then I got extra bitchy internally (and self-martyring; that part of my nature hasn't really changed over all these millennia of lives) about how he deserved someone who could make such a promise and he should be free to look elsewhere... And I could HEAR him on the bond trying to make me understand he doesn't WANT anyone else....But I'd not let it go, because he DOES deserve someone who can/will make such a promise about trying to grow the connection and build a future together, not just a girl who will promise she won't try to hurt or sever the bond between you again....

In other news, I saw that Delta Rae have a show in Minneapolis popped up in like two weeks. And I saw that and got excited. Only then I saw who they were playing with and it was an immediate about face "Nope nope nope nope nope." I hate two of the three acts playing so nope. I mean HATE, loathe, burning passionate intense cringing like I've been smacked grima reaction as soon as they open their damn mouths. Midland is one of the worst in a REALLY long time... I honestly cannot, can NOT stand twangy pitchy vocals. It physically, PHYSICALLY, causes me pain in the way that NOTHING else does musically...... In fact, the REASON I haven't liked a damn one of the myriad live radio shows Delta Rae has shared is because I LOATHE their harmonies since they started trying to cater to country radio. I loved their harmonies when they were R&B style harmonies, I can't stand them since they've tried to go country because they're just off enough they hurt... I physically cringe at their cover of The Eagles Seven Bridges Road and I LOVE that song, the original that is. I can't listen to I Moved South for the same reason, the harmonies are just off enough it's physically painful for me since they decided to rework them to cater to country radio. It physically hurts me, like you hit me. And if you ever watch me, I DO flinch in reaction to such things, exactly as if I've been struck even though nobody touched me, only the vocals.  Honestly, I'm GLAD that their Chicago show is the same night I'm seeing Billy Joel up in green Bay and I'm RELIEVED Crissy can't make the Minne show at the zoo so I'd only be able to go by myself and the St. Louis show, while on the weekend so I could drive is while I'll be at ROMPFest in Kentucky -- because with only the one show in Milwaukee, if the harmonies and vocals are so off that it hurts me, one show will be enough. And it may be my last show for a very VERY long time of theirs because I ACTIVELY dislike their country style harmonies which are cringe inducing, I liked their R&B style harmonies that were gorgeous.

It sucks. But, honest, after all these months coming to terms with accepting it, realizing that their June show may be the last I go to for a very long time potentially ever because I dislike their country radio courting harmonies that are pitchy and OFF, now it feels more like the ache in a poorly healed broken bone when the weather is wet, not an open wound or a new scar about to break the stitches open.... It aches, and it always will when the weather is damp (i.e. when there's a show nearby I'd have loved to go see when their harmonies were gorgeous R&B style) but I've more or less learned to accept the pain and go on ignoring it best I can.....Because those choices aren't mine to make, I can only choose whether I want to spend money and go hurt at a show when I don't like the artistic direction taken or if I want to stay away and hurt wishing I was at the concert I would have loved which it could have been with the exact same people and the exact same songs but different artistic choices.... Either way I'mma hurt over whatever I choose of the options available to me and the consequence of the choices they've made to court country radio because they feel old rather than sticking to the sound of their own they'd crafted which sounded amazing special instead of mediocre generic  -- so I just don't see the point in paying money to be hurt, y'know?

I plan to go to the Milwaukee show and see for myself how much pleasure there is versus pain for me in their reworked version of them, but I'm glad I have excuses to only make me deal with it once right now.... And I have ZERO interest in going to their show in Minne on May 9, because the other two artists they're playing with are ones that I honestly don't like whatsoever and would turn off immediately if they came on anywhere I was at. And it aches in the bone not to go when I want to see Delta Rae, but it's not this new pitchy off country style harmonies version of them I want to hear, it's who they were when they had gorgeous r&b style harmonies. And I know that..... But it still hurts....

Anyway. I can't solve any of this now. I can't make a promise I don't know I can keep and I can't stop myself hurting no matter which of the two choices I've got available regarding their new direction for their music since signing with a country label so they're now trying to make themselves a sound that courts country radio. So I'm going to do what I can -- I'mma go make myself another cuppa tea now.

[Post Title: Lyrics to the song Message in the Sand by A Silent Film. I LOVE this song. Absolutely love everything about it!!! Every time it comes on I put it on repeat. Also, thematically it suits the things I was considering this afternoon and in this post.]

April 25, 2017

Pssssst! I have nothing to say tonight. Not in a bad way, just in a quiet I don't have anything I feel like writing right now way. Sometimes, I'm just quiet and content inside my own head. It's not personal and nothing's wrong. Sometimes I'm just pensive like that (and other times I can't shut up I'm so overflowing with words.) It's the sort of mood I'm happy to just curl up with some tea or a glass of wine and some music and a book and not talk.  O and a fire, I do like a nice fire especially in a quiet contemplative contented mood, be the fire in the hearth or outside in a firepit or bonfire.

So go to bed if you're still up waiting for something profound or deep or emotional or significant or....anything...from me.  because tonight I'm in one of my "I don't have anything I need to say" phases. Sometimes, I'm happy just being quiet. And that's no reason for worrying.

(Though I spose you can't actually know that unless you see me or can peek inside my inner space. Tonight, it's no reason for worrying, even if it's disappointing/annoying.)

Go to bed if you're still up. I've nothing to say for tonight. Other than about how I have nothing to say, and that's just awkward.

April 24, 2017

O, thinking of which.....

As an empath and a telepath,  99% of the time I can tell the difference between my emotions/thoughts and other people's, there's a separation and everyone has specific energy/aura signatures.  (not everyone with these gifts can,  unconscious/untrained empaths are frequently swamped by emotions and mood swings nevet knowing the source is outside them and unconscious/untrained telepath receivers believe thoughts they pick up or that you tight beam just to them are their own thoughts.)  The only exception is that deep old bond. I can tell when his love is flooding along the bond (like right now)  and some thoughts and emotions,  and obviously strong flashes of visual overlays of whatever he's seeing/experiencing when his emotions get intense I know are him.  But sometimes things will pop into my head randomly I don't know at the time to be from him but a stray post of his will make it clear to me that he was the source of the random thought.  And even more often,  i'll get suddenly swamped drowning in an intense emotion that has nothing to do with anything in my life or thoughts or that moment and it feels just the same as my own personal emotions and it's only after trying to fathom it and find its origin that I realize it's in him....  This happens the most when he's sad or despairing or anxious or hurting in some way.  When those sorts of emotions are dominant in him,  they flood into me and they feel just exactly as if they're my emotions....

That's a "just him" thing,  not to feel where my random thoughts or emotional state ends and his begins. It's one of many "just him" quirks. I may have mentioned this one before....  But it makes his hurts and sorrows and anxieties ever present for me when they consume him.  And it means my conscience gives me the smack down extra hard when I'm the source and the reason he has such unhappy weights on his heart..... Because I know just how incredibly intense it is within him at such times....

And it's actually from this that I've come to accept that it's his truth that even the threat of anything happening to that bond and him losing me is the one thing terrifies him and how to gut him worse than anything else ever could...with an intensity of pain and sorrow and emoness inside him unlike anything else I've ever known.... Because it does. And it has.  And it's why such things aren't even to be joked about until he knows through to his core it's not possible for him to lose my love and I'll not consciously ever again do anything to harm or even threaten to harm that inner bond between us again.  A joke that bites that deep into a person's insecurities isn't teasing,  it's a form of cruelty,  it's emotional bullying and power tripping.  Naw,  it's not even something i'll joke about, at least for now and the foreseeable future. I'll reassure him so he'll not be anxious on the subject that he can't lose my love nor lose me except he chooses to not want me any longer, i'll reassure him about it as often as needed - and then reassure him some more just in case.

I say this not because he's unhappy right now,  but because it's good to know.  And it's the reason I don't want him having to feel/put up with my constantly being sick from the new carpet fumes.  Especially if it's hard for him to recognize the source...

Now,  it's after sunrise and this cuppa chamomile I just finished makes me wish I had someone to carry me to bed or that falling asleep in the living room so close to the hallway wouldn't make me extra sick..... So i'm headed to bed for six hours (my full sleep cycle after which I naturally wake up unless I'm sleep deprived or sick/need to heal.) Sweet dreams or waking or whatever you do after reading this.  May it be happy and full of light and love, inside you,  however you fill the disappearing moments!
I did not go to the Coutures for games today.... I tried, but the fumes from the new carpet made me so light-headed I could hardly stand and every time I approached the door to the hallway, I'd get so bad with the near fainting, first turning grey at the edges then black -- without me even opening the door. I didn't trust me not to faint once outside the door, let alone navigating down two flights of stairs without passing out and taking a nasty tumble....It's far worse in the morning because people aren't opening the doors going out and about so the fumes get stuck in the hallways....And my headaches from it are chronic now, though they improve enough to be ignored after about three or four hours away from being exposed to the damn hallways....  I'm tempted to prop/tie the damn doors open to get air flow in for as long as it takes for the outgassing to stop and bugger the fucking fire code and security.

*sigh* This is going so well for me, isn't it? Four days. Only four days into the years long process of the glues they use on upholstery/carpeting to cure...... Kill me now. Get it over with quick instead of this long drawn out poisoning. Ugh!

(More reasons I hate carpet.... Rugs are fine, especially when they're made of natural fibers, I like rugs especially Persian rugs, but fuck all if I want even an inch of carpeting in my someday house. Wood floors and tiles and natural fiber rugs, mostly wood. But not a square INCH of fucking carpeting.... I hate the sound of the vacuum it makes me angry inside, carpet gets bugs that breed in it, it can get mold in the padding underneath it if that gets wet, new carpeting makes me terribly ill from the outgasing, and old carpeting just gets disgusting..... Hell no. I have strong feelings on this subject, especially after this new carpeting in the hallways of the building making me so constantly sick and it only accumulating in me getting worse the longer the exposure lasts...... No. No carpets. Never again anywhere else I live. Never ever again....Never ever ever.)

I did make it to The Magic Flute, but I was VERY late due to hurry up and go slows pulling in front of me cutting me off then misplacing the accelerator in their cars....I thought accelerators came standard, but some people make me wonder....I was really only allowed in because I had my confident fast stride "get in my way and I WILL cut you"  look on my face (it's something I'm quite good at -- look like you belong and you know where you are going and you're intent on a mission and it's the rare person who will stop you no matter where you go or what you are attempting to do) -- they didn't let the people right behind me running late in,  made them wait.  I got to my seat and sat JUST as the orchestra struck up the first note.....

About what I was talking about last night.... I didn't go out seeking to do that.... I don't ever seek to deal with such things, I just have to can't leave it to fester when it crosses my path because it's a part of why I chose to incarnate. It IS safer now that I realized I can/should change the rules from the old ones, let other unincarnated bits of soul/spirit deal with the unincarnated since those old souls of us who can deal with them are too diffused into the population to encounter the malevolent unincarnated before they cause serious trouble..... Anyway. i wasn't setting out to deal with any such thing, I honest just wanted to go watch the Lyrids and stargaze. I kept pushing to go to Indian Lake, somewhere I know to be safe no matter the hour, but Crissy wasn't too keen on it and when I suggested we head out toward Spring Green she jumped on it. As we reached the edge of Middleton, right where I ended up closing the circle, I knew it wouldn't be so easy and I'd not get to watch the shhoting stars after all because I felt the power building without me calling on it so I thought, "Aww fuck it's one of those nights.... I hope it's not a direct confrontation though.... Crissy's no good in a fight to have my back or help me. I've taught her and worked her up enough to defend herself against almost anything and she's gotten good at the empath and telepath gifts, but she's no warrior and she's no good in a fight though she's no longer a liability." she'd be the first to admit this,  lol.  I've helped her and grown her gifts by leaps and bounds since having to train her ad hoc after that one encounter -- she can defend and she can read people and she can cleanse/bless a place. But she can't protect anyone other than herself yet and she certainly lacks any sort of offensive gifts. there are many things I'd trust her with and I know she'd have my back to all the best of her abilities, but I know her strengths and weaknesses -- and if cornered she'd do what she could in a fight but she's not scrappy fierce and that's just how it is.  Anyway, the containment, it's semi-permeable, anything incarnated in a physical body can pass and won't even notice it unless they recognize my energy signature and feel that gridded safe space as they pass through it -- but it won't harm them or stop them either going or coming. Anything unincarnated... It would have to be of the angelic or gods/goddesses avatars strength to pass through what I wrought.  Whatever is unincarnated, not manifesting within a living physical body cannot pass unless it's of that level strength but either the hawk god or Artemis/Britomartis/the Birch lady will investigate and destroy or force back into the cycles of incarnations any malevolent unincarnated within the boundaries and they will hunt through it thoroughly. It could be one of the other gods/goddesses/devas who responded to my call and changing the rules that I did.... O back at the time of the Frank Turner concert in Chicago I couldn't go to because my seething anger looking for a fight (due to politics) was so intense my car refused to budge until I made a choice and decided I'd have to shunt all the anger and the power my anger builds out of me to be used by karma to right the things making me so angry..... Any who recognize my energy can sense that containment circle of gridding I did and will recognize the brightness of it and understand -- but those two old gods are the ones I know best from my past lives and have the strongest bonds to and they look after me but have been absent from looking out for me as they otherwise would. They check in, but they're not constantly present or easily summoned except in dream space and even there they're often busy and take a day or two before responding and joining me in shared dream space. My intuition says the hawk god will be the one to take care of this marked circle.... (It's actually much SAFER for me to do it this way than a direct confrontation with me as the point of force the Universe pours energy through to cleanse. I can't have too much power burn me out kill me to try to deal with something cornered and angry -- physical bodies are frail when it comes to spiritual energies. And it means I need not be all places always at the right time. Just when I find something that needs dealing with, I can circle it, contain it, and leave it marked for others to come through and do the actual dirty work of the fighting. It's more effective and it means I'm less likely to be the death of me taking on a fight too big for the resources I have  on hand at that time in this life....And it gives the old powers for good a purpose again. I do think the one eyed god answered my call and I know he watches over me even though I don't trust him at all and tell him so every time he tries to do me favors or offer me gifts in my dreams, but I can't stop him from heeding the call so long as he stands by the rules/limits I put upon this when I changed the rules and asked them to help if they so chose....I didn't wake anyone up or anything, they're all still here or elsewhere for those who know how to see/hear/call upon them -- I just created a new opportunity and purpose for those who chose to take me up on the offer.)

The ironic part is, once it's cleansed, it will still take a lot of time for my containment circles and the blessings of what I wrought to fade -- nothing weaker than an angelic level deva or gods/goddesses level avatar can pass through it, particularly of the malevolent sort. It will be oddly blessed once it's cleansed -- though any who die and don't choose to move on to their next life and wishes harm will be constrained in the circle -- but nothing from outside can come in.  That's true for any/everywhere that I contain/mark like this.... No matter how big or small the area I encircle.

Also. I'm all out of coffee beans at home. I have been for several days. It's tragic. Not apocalyptic like when I'm out of garlic, butter, olive oil, or honey (these are the staples you will ALWAYS find in my kitchen, when they run out, it's truly calamitous end of the world or at least civilization as we know it is likely imminent, lol) I'm gonna regret in the morning not having anything but black tea on hand.... But it's quite likely that by the time I leave and could go buy some coffee beans, I'll probably forget until it's too late/early to do a damn thing about it and thus the cycle will repeat.  At least nobody shall have to suffer for this but me.  (Actually, I'd be more likely to take care of it if someone else had to suffer..... As a general rule, I'm far better at taking care of others than myself. My empathic nurturing side is greater than my stoic self-martyring streak, I take care of myself best for the sake of other people I care about, lol. I will never take better care of myself than when I know me not taking care of myself puts someone I care about into physical harm or will cause them emotional/mental pain. It's how I am.)

Anyway, I have no set plans this week in the calendar whatsoever.  Likelihood is incredibly high they'll be a "meet at 6:30am to go to Farmer's Market" Saturday morning. And I'll have to be at work Saturday right after they close at 3 to get the end of month deposit done ASAP so mum can close the books on the month before they leave town. (Mum does all the accounting here at our family owned small business.)  My parents fly out west next Sunday. And with Tanner, this means I'll have to be at work or their house at night and can only be at my own flat from 9am-6pm when he can be at work..... So, that's how it'll be I guess.The weekends he can be at the store from 10-2 on Saturday, Sundays he'll have to be left alone or alone with Audrey.... And since he was found wandering before he ended up at the humane society, he's not to ever be trusted off leash while they're gone.... (this is the first they've left since adopting him. I'm sure it will be fine, but my da is freaking out like he's never had a pet before, lol.)

P.S. For the record, even the times I don't bring it up here, that empath bond is always there and I can always feel him along it and I always care for him and love him. Even the times I disagree or have been disappointed this is my truth. No different than any of the truths of my other strong gifts or the quirky ways they can/do manifest. Although, I will admit to a temptation right now to cut the bond between us or put it to sleep while I'm in such constant pain and sickness from being poisoned by those damnable carpet fumes -- I don't like thinking I'm making him hurt or feel my pain as his own the way I do his either involuntarily along the bond or because he reaches along it for me.... I'll not do anything because I know not being able to reach me would hurt him worse than feeling my pain/suffering as his own, but I do admit to being tempted to try to save him from having to deal with it.  Especially as now there is no way for me to avoid it in the short term given that the carpets are new and the fumes will make me sick so long as the glues are curing and that could be years if I don't decide to try to sell the condo and move... I haven't done anything to it, and I won't. As I said, I know any harm to it or him not being able to reach me would hurt him far worse than the pains of my chronic headaches/nausea/light-headedness from the fumes....

April 23, 2017

I didn't finish with the straw flowers on the tree.  I used 2/3 of them I bought and have put them on the ends of every branch but one (no interstices yet)  but then I had to head out.  And now I should sleep as soon as this cuppa chamomile tea cools enough for me to drink. Have to be up and over at my parents house before 10 before heading to Cathy C and family.   But here's where I stopped.

I love it!!  I'll finish it soon,  maybe Monday.....

Tonight waa fun,  catching up and making dinner and watching Gremlins. Then I wanted to go watch the Lyrids., so Crissy and I picked up my dog then headed to Spring Green but along the way encountered an unexpectedly nasty  ghost in Arena.  So instead I drove a big widdershins circle (14 to 23 to 18/151 through Verone to M to Junction to Old Sauk to Pleasant Valley to Blackhawk to 14 and closed the circle)  to contain it and to mark it to be gone over carefully when next one of the old gods I set to eradicating/forcing back into the incarnations incorporeal malevolent souls. (caveat: i will not call or force peace or ask any of the old gods I know to do so on any tribal spirits still here seeking vengeance against the white man.  Their protective clinging is still relevant and not dealt with.)  Delegating that to the gods/goddesses I can reach who volunteer(ed) when I ask(ed) and me only doing it if I'm attacked or hunted remains brilliant of me.  Safer for me too,  actually.  MUCH safer.....  (also i drew the circle big enough to conrain some others.

Curiously,  the route I chose,  along the highway to the right (outside)  my circle are actually an inordinate number of old white churches and cemeteries and strong magic practitioners. Purely by accident/instinct.

Anyway,  i have no reason to break the circle until the second half of July for seeing Cyrano de Bergerac at APT.  Which is after summer solstice.  It'll be cleansed through there by then. I'vve actually been torn because apt's spring pull of garlic mustard (an invasive species)  is coming up and I love volunteering for it,  but this year I can't see me there and Ivve felt uneasy every time i've thought to rsvp email i can help....Noq I have zero desire to break my protective circle before solstice..... .

Also,  tired as I am and much as I may fall asleep in my chair, it took a lot of snergy flow to lay that contaient circle.....It's way easier (as much energy as I used tonight)  containing and marking areas than hunting and facing them down...... Safer for me too.

So.  Chamomile tea. Then bedtime for me.  Go sleep sleep now.

April 22, 2017



O I'm so pleased!!!!  I'm downright chuffed!  Chuffed like a big fat glossy robin preening itself on a blue sky sunny Spring day!!!

Here are my other flowers,  and I'mma make me a cuppa tea then back to work playing with straw flowers on wire!!!  I'll post completed pictures later but maybe not til after I get home tonight.....I need to head out in a little over an hour.)

*happy Dani dance*

SQUEEE!!!!!!!!!  It's such a beautiful Summer tree!!

but I'm totally not girly at all,  lol.  πŸ˜‚ Not in the least. i'm definitely not so girly I'm dancing around to the My Fair Lady soundtrack while twining straw flowers on my tree because the task made me start singing Wouldn't It Be Loverly.  That's totally not what's happening in my flat right now.  (O hell yes you know it totally is. You KNOW it,  lol.  And i definitely waltzed around the living room once with each of my animals in my arms for I Could Have Danced All Night. And I fully intend to do it again when repeat cycles back around to it!)

Bedside rosebuds (they smell INCREDIBLE!!!) :

Tulip Bouquet 1:

Tulip Bouquet 2 (with additional rosebuds) :

Little bouquet (why yes I do have a set of Matruschka doll measuring cups,  thanks for noticing.  Not precise enough for real pastries,  but absolutely fine for cookies,  breads,  and most cakes/cupcakes/brownies):

Anemones and Icelandic poppies (and a Barack Obama sticker I don't want to put on my car because on a Prius with state park stickers,  that's asking for trouble....  So it sits there for now.  And my ball of rubber bands is because I didn't know what to do with them,  I collect them from Farmer's Market faster than I could possibly ever use them....  So I started making a bouncy ball of them,  lol) :

P. S.  Yes I DID precog flash various iterations of my seasonal tree as soon as I decided that's what I wanted to do with it. It often happens like that,  me or someone else making a choice/decision will precipitate a rapid fire cascade of precog images based on that choice. Sometimes important choices,  sometimes just quirky things like this.  These Spring/Summer flowers on the tree is one of the rapid images I saw.  There were others in apartments/houses I've never been (yet)  with no indications for me of where they are or when me and my light up seasonally decorated birch tree will live there or any clues beyond just different seasonal decorations on it somewhere I've never been yet.....  Sometimes,  the precogs make for the most tantalizing mysteries! This is one of those times,  lol.
*giggles* so I was in my bedroom putting away some new hand beaded and feather earrings and checked some texts I missed earlier today when I saw that a friend of mine just posted a video of him on facebook practicing some flat picking because he's sick so his voice is gone. So i started watching the video on my phone  and my dog went from half asleep sprawled on her side on the wood floor in the living room, suddenly bolted up came racing into the room fast as she could skidded to a stop standing in the doorway,  tail wagging frantically in double time but on the beat. At first she was confused there was no one actually playing,  but then she just stood there tail wagging to it and her head cocked to the side puppy grinning the whole clip.  Then when it was done she snorted/puppy sneezed happily,  trotted back to the living room,  and flopped back down to sleep on the wood floors. It made me laugh so hard!!   I think she may have liked it. Possibly.  Maybe.   Just a little. πŸ˜‰  (My cat disdainfully stayed in the other room keeping an eye on the Farmer's Market tote.  After all,  it's not like it was piano. πŸ˜‚ )

My dog is a two to three instrument animal (piano,  acoustic/classical guitar,  some fiddle)  but my cat is a one instrument animal, he only really loves piano.  But both of them will come running and be a happy audience for anything on piano.  Literally anything.  Even just plunking random keys without any melody or flow.  If you ever play the piano for them,  you will have Spock and Audrey's eternal love and be on their short list of favorite humans,  lol.

Time to put on some Black Keys (current mood) and get the flowers in water and veggies in the fridge and keep drinking my strawberry raspberry blueberry fruit smoothie!!  Will postscript flower pictures in a bit!  Also got some dried straw flowers to put on my light up birch tree.  (i decided that ornaments are for winter,  but I  want other things seasonally.  This means i've decided I now have a reason to start a collection of the super beautiful Ukranian/Russian/German Easter eggs to hang on the tree in early Spring.  I've always wanted a reason to buy/collect them as they're beautiful.  Now I have one for my seasonal tree!)

But o that was so funny the way the dog came racing in when she heard the acoustic guitar practice! She was so excited!  πŸ˜‚  (you will never lack a happy audience practicing or just fooling around on piano or guitar in my flat,  lol.  I have very music responsive animals. And I'm rather fond of it myself.  Just a titch. Weirdly enough,  I have exes who have told me that's one of the things they miss the most.....the happy attebtive listening of the three of us while they practiced.  Remember all my exes since I accidentally hexed myself stating,  "I'm not the sort of girl musicians date" when I was 19 have all been musicians of one sort or another....  Even if I didn't meet them because of their music,  after going on a date I always find out they're a musician.  Seriously.  Since I was 19. Although,  gven my love of music and the intensity of my responsiveness to it,  I can think of worse curses I could have put on myself,  lol.)

P. S.  Actual texts I just sent Crissy:

"*giggles* indecisive Lilly keeps texting me to help with decisions (should i get ground lamb or roast/steak lamb?  Which spices should i use?  Etc)  i definitely told her as long as the ice cream isn't a taco topping we should be good.  Then i switched tacks and started trying to convince her it wouldn't be all that different from sour cream - except for all the ways it's entirely different.... "
"Conclusion: please blandly ask her while we're making our tacos where the ice cream is for your taco.  I'll try not to lose it too soon. "

(this is exactly the sort of silliness and mischievousness and teasing you ahould expect from me if I'm fond of you.  Always.)
Just got home.  (why yes I was at my aunt and uncle's house for six hours.)  it ended up being Sasha and her two youngest boys (who are hysterical and cutest of ever; Fischer who's six is a sarcastic sass mouth but sweet who cusses a lot and Will who's four looks like a cherubic angel with golden ringlets but gets likes to tattle on his brother),  Sabra and Ross and baby Vivian,  Shauna,  my parents,  my sparrow grandma,  my aunt and uncle,  and me. Aunt Linda and her family and Uncle Jeff and his couldn't make it.

Delightful time! And then I stayed super late to get to spend some more time with Shauna.  (and to write her short bio for her new all girl metal band started by the guitarist for Alice Cooper. Wasn't plsnning to write her another short bio,  but she needed it by today for article.)

going to bed now....  Meeting Crissy at 6:30 for Farmer's Market,  so must be up in five hours.  Then maybe spending part of the day with family again or at the march for environment/science earth day.  Over to Lilly & Thomas'at 5pm. Must not forget the dvds for Gremlins and Gremlins 2......

Sunday: games with Coutures at 10am. Then matinee of Magic Flute at 2:30. Then working...  But then after that,  my calendar is clear til the 30th when my parents fly out to Seattle and their place in Montana for a couple weeks so i'll be housesitting living in two homes simultaneously for a bit.

But bed now.  I'm a very sleepy girl and honest curling up for sleep righr now sounds like heaven!  But I'm a very happy sleepy girl,  because I got to spend so much time with so many of my favorites!!

Bonne nuit.


April 21, 2017

Tell me that we belong together, Dress it up with the trappings of love. I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips, Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.

My cat keeps rubbing his cheeks against the tips of my toes and it tickles enough to make me twitch away involuntarily and giggle.  (I was incredibly ticklish as a child.  I still am,  just people don't know. The situations in which it's acceptable to tickle an adult are far fewer than children.  But I remain VERY ticklish,  lol.)

I'm home and while the hallways and right by my door remain a problem,  the rest of my flat is fine. Or at least it seems so for now....  *fingers crossed* They'll be working again later today,  both sets of steps unfinished and so today will be bad again so long as i'm home,  even in my flat....

I'm gonna read for a bit and listen to Good Old War and drink some sleepy chamomile tea then head to bed.  This is probably a stupid time for me to even try to sleep because sunrise is approaching in a couple hours will wake me up... But walking through the hallways breathing in the new carpet fumes made me sleepy enough and light-headed enough I don't think I could stay awake til 7ish, when sunrise is complete,  anyway.  So i'll try to get one REM cycle in then wake up for sunrise and after it's done either sleep or stay up.

Kind of a useless post,  lol.  Just thought I'd let you know I'm home now and heading to bed soon....

[post title: lyrics to the Edwin McCain song I'll Be.  It randomly got stuck in my head over at the cheap theatre after seeing Hidden Figures (absolutely wonderful;  been wanting to see it since before it came out,  but only just made plans/time for it now,  at the second run theatre where you pay $3 for a ticket and $15 for popcorn and soda,  lol)  with Crissy.  No idea why....  It wasn't anywhere in the film and i haven't heard it or thought about it in ages and nothing I noticed triggered it.... It was just suddenly there,  playing in my head and I haven't been able to get it out since some point after 9ish....]
So, as I think I mentioned the other day, they started redoing the carpet in my the hallways in my building yesterday. Still not done. And unfortunately, I'm an absolute canary when it comes to pollutants and chemicals (I have a particularly hard time with formeldahyde and tolulene in curing glues/paints) -- things that make most people sick after long term exposure make me INCREDIBLY sick in small doses and short term exposures. Supposedly this makes it less likely for me to get cancer from them because I avoid things so I never reach the critical doses to cause cell damage, but it IS hard to get so sick so easily....  So despite shoving the rug by the door and rags under the door, I was sick all day ever since I got home last night. EXTREME exhaustion, headache, increased frequency of migraines if I continue to be exposed, light-headedness/near passing out, nausea, loss of appetite. It took about three hours after leaving before my energy levels improved and it took literally hours before I stopped tasting/smelling  the chemicals every time I breathed out. (It also started me coughing up mucal lining that tasted of chemicals, which may end up causing me non-communicable laryngitis. YAY. I love it when I sound like a lifelong smoker. Despite even secondhand smoke making this canary so sick that I've never felt any desire to even try a cig this life.  Pot smoke does NOT make me sick, but I don't smoke pot because all ti does for me is make me RAVENOUSLY hungry for 18-48 HOURS after smoking it. Insatiably hungry. Even by my standards. I can't STOP being hungry after smoking pot. Which is actually incredibly unpleasant.... Because Ic an eat until I have a bad tummyache and STILL be hungry. I don't care about other people smoking it, and the amount of munchies I get from secondhand isn't a huge problem -- but the habit is too expensive for me because of all the food it makes me consume.)

Anyway. With the new carpet, I'm deeply concerned given how long it takes for glues and such to cure before it stops making me feel sick (new cars also make me sick; I actually don't ever eat or drink in rental cars because the new car smell/chemicals make me so nauseous, it takes about 4-6 YEARS of outgassing before cars stop making me sick.)  I'm worried that being at home now is going to make me terribly sick and it'll be years before it doesn't....  It'll still be bad enough to make me exhausted even with having windows/balcony door open all spring/summer/autumn while it's warm enough, when they're not using petrol based landscaping equipment (don't get me started on my hatred of these and how unnecessary they are -- but I may be biased as an environmentalist gardener AND they also make me sick, lol.)  I dunno if I can stand being constantly exhausted dizzy and nauseous every time I'm home for years.... 

And everybody else on the condo association board voted for replacing the carpets (with the EXACT same carpet, only new, ffs...It's literally the SAME carpet, what they've put in as what they've ripped out.... I don't fucking understand THAT....)


And when I say extreme exhaustion with light headedness, I mean to the point every cell feels super heavy so even getting out of bed is a chore and even getting out of bed makes everything fade to gray on the edges and start go black like right before a fainting spell....  Like I said, I'm a canary when it comes to pollutants and chemicals. Always have been.... My da explained it to me as a kid that you can take a healthy plant from a city and it'll thrive in pure country air, but if you try to take a plant grown in the country to somewhere high in toxins, it will quickly sicken and die. (My da and his siblings grew up on a small family owned organic farm.) 

I also have sensitive skin to the point I can't even use most sunscreens other than Badger products and I get incredibly sick from chemicals and pesticides in foods. I think I'm just a canary, over-sensitive to toxins.

I dunno.... Moving me and all my books is a bitch of a job, never to be undertaken lightly..... But between the altered pet policy to not allow dogs (and the harassment I endure, quite frequently, from nasty neighbors for having the last dog grandfathered in) and now the new carpeting making me so sick AND with how tight the condo market is in my area so I could make money on the sale, maybe I should consider selling it and moving somewhere else.  Despite loving my cherry tree full of songbirds and the bamboo floors and the fireplace and the cathedral ceilings.... (But rent is high now, for the same reasons condos sell right away.) But shit man, moving all my books (and music) is a big job.... *sigh* I'm nto gonna decide tonight, but being constantly sick every time I go home and for hours after leaving is untenable. And longterm, the effects only get worse the longer my exposure to curing/outgassing fumes. This I know.....

Also, not wanting to go home, for any reason, means you need to change something about your living situation. And if it continues to make me sick from the outgassing after they've finished the job, it's going to make me not want to go home. In which case I will have to consider moving me (and my animals and all my books. My furniture and clothes and dishes and music and such too, but my priorities are my animals and books, lol) 

*le sigh*

P.S. I didn't mean to make anything awkward or reasons to be self-conscious about what I had to say about rings last night. I edited that out set it to a private draft though, just because even though I found it adorable and endearing and never presumed or was under the impression that ring was about some other girl, I'm unconvinced that observation needs to be public.... I mean, I HAVE noticed it before as something worn consistently, but I never thought or presumed about it -- even with how quick/easy it is for me to presume "some other girl" rather than being about me when a boy likes me. (And this IS something I know I'm terrible about -- don't drop hints and presume I think you mean me. Presume I'm blind to your interest in me, I'm probably assuming you mean "some other girl." Because I am THAT blind subtlety/hints isn't gonna work. You're better off just telling me straight up honest in ways I can't POSSIBLY misconstrue.) But on the subject of the ring he wears, never once crossed my mind it might be about "some other girl." I honest always assumed it was a promise to himself about something deeply personal, some memory or dream or what he's seeking for himself or some combination thereof. And that's really all I ever thought about it.

P.P.S. Crissy and I also figured out and purchased our APT tickets for this coming season.   We put it off until the very end of the VIP early bird discounts so some things were sold out. Oops. 

April 20, 2017

I'm tired, and I got more than the remaining eight hours of work in to make 40 this week so I'm heading home as soon as I finish the last of this cuppa tea. (I'll still be in tomorrow evening, to water the seedlings.) I'll go let the cat know I'm no longer mad at home and to stop leaving him lonely in my flat with no lights on. I actually just started some wheatgrass seeds for him because his cat grass at home is now dead....

So. I'm heading home soon. Then feeding the animals, taking my contacts out, getting ready for bed then going to sleep. That's the general plan. "some point soon after midnight but not the middle of the witching hour" is totally when people with normal Circadian rhythms go to bed, right? πŸ˜‰
O. And when I said I didn't have the answers for him, it's because I don't. I have many answers, on many subjects. Including answers about things yet to be. But in matters of any man's heart and his truest desires and the choices he makes for himself, on these the only answers can be his own. We each must live by the consequences of such choices and answers, I don't presume to tread on the grounds of free will there. Regarding such matters, I don't have the answers. Sometimes I have predictions or advice if consulted, but I don't have answers. Unless I precog it. But I try not to peep and pry and force precogs, not even contingent ones unless I have a very good reason to, never for voyeurism  and/or idle curiosity. I can't do anything abot the involuntary precogs, but I needn't poke into things that are not necessarily any of my business.

P.S. The bond waxed strong and steady tonight. It's been hella spotty for a bit of a while now, but somewhere round 10:30 or 11ish, it suddenly flamed up all brilliantly heady strong again and it's been constantly THERE and reassuring and warm snuggly since. No idea why, just know is. I missed it while it was all sputtering and absent....  I'm not going to admit how much I missed it. I'll just say I'm quite delighted it's there again tonight.

P.P.S. I take back that heading home bit, it JUST started pouring out of nowhere... Will head home when the dog will NOT get drenched trying to let her go potty before bedtime. Egads! Eek!! Just peeked at the weather, this is going to get much worse and take a while and is supposed to bring hail. Ehhhh, maybe I'll head home after all then.Besides, Sir Spock de Catalan is scared of thunder. (He really is a scaredy cat, lol. An asshole when angry, but still a scaredy cat most of the time....)

April 19, 2017

My cat is a fucking asshole when he's angry.....

I wasn't ready to talk about it earlier, when I took that picture but now, the cost of a new phone later and having dealt with it, I'm better. Also, I've laughed and eaten. And that's always magical with me...

So, the coffee grinder at work broke yesterday so I couldn't make a pot of coffee at work before leaving town as planned. So I went home for like 35-40 minutes so I could make some coffee (because nowhere on my route would anywhere be open until after I needed it to be open) and feed the animals and water my plants. Which is when I wrote that last post, and then I walked down the hall on my phone checking if her flight was on time and set it down on the counter next to the sink while using the bathroom. I told my cat I was leaving right away to go get my cousin and was going to be gone for 5-6 hours and he went from loving cuddly happy I was home to ears back sneer-snarling at me. I turned briefly away to grab some toilet paper and as I'm turning back, he goes THWACK! and deliberately knocks the phone face first off the counter onto the tile floor.......

Pretty sure I would have throttled him if he hadn't heard the sound of glass cracking, stood stock still, turned to look at me and his eyes got HUGE scared and his tail poofed out five times it's normal size then he ran and hid.  (Okay, I wouldn't have throttled him or even smacked him, but still....)

This is the first time I've ever had a screen crack.... (I know, overdue, but still.) And of COURSE it was 3.5 fucking days after I got it before my wallet case came in. And I've been sooooo careful with it.... And this is the second time in the ENTIRE seven years I've had him that Spock has EVER knocked anything off a surface. (The last time it was an unopened bottle of red wine in the kitchen. And I wasn't home at the time it happened, it was while my then roommate Sarebear was showering of all times. And he was TERRIFIED by the bomb-like explosion of wine and glass followed by Sarebear running naked out of the shower to see what had made the noise, dripping all over the hallway then yelling at him. The whole situation scared him so badly hes never knocked things off tables/counters/shelves since then.)

Anyway, this was a deliberate "fuck you" jealousy thing with him knocking my phone off like that.... (My cat has anger management abandonment issues...Seriously... Before I leave on vacations, I have to get Feliway hormones or he'll attack me while packing and after I get back. With the calming hormones, he accepts without attacking anyone.)  And honest, when I picked it up and saw he shattered that screen, I just wanted to go curl up and angry cry. Only I couldn't give in to my emotions at that time, neither anger nor sorrow because I HAD to get in my car for a long highway drive, in my car so temperamental it won't even start if I get in the car while upset..... So I just compartmentalized all the emotions and shoved them away to process after I got back after picking up and dropping off Shauna at her parents house. (which always makes them worse when you do let yourself feel them, but sometimes it just has to be done...)

So I went and picked up Shauna and other than the tiny bits of glass in my finger and cutting me up trying to talk/text Shauna about her flight it was not too big a deal about it -- and then it was delightful to see her talk on the drive back (I did NOT mention to her at all about my phone, however, because it would upset me just to try to talk about it to anyone until I'd processed all my emotions and I knew I shouldn't be highway driving in Chicago while all upset, over anything) after I dropped her off I started to get upset over it. And by the time I got to work to talk to my parents about it (always better to fess up to this sort of fuckup right away)  I was so distraught by then that my mum thought I'd crashed my car or hit/killed a critter or something terrible -- so neither she nor my da were upset with me over having shattered my new phone in under a week after getting it. Instead they just wanted to comfort me and Brian Boru laughed (and told me stories about his recently deceased cat King Louis being an asshole about busting electronics -- including knocking off a brand new laptop IMMEDIATELY after Brian Boru took it out of the box set it on the table.) And I was upset enough my da took off of work to drive me over to go with me. And then he made me laugh in the car telling me humorous stories I'd not heard. And we got there and turned out they opened at 10 not 9 (we didn't check) so we went to a cafe nearby got breakfast and more coffee.

So now I can ruefully laugh over it. And da and Joey and Brian Boru have all been making me laugh and my maman has been giving me things to make me feel better. it's done and there were better (more fun) ways I could have spent that money... but at least I had JUST got my tax return money back.... And we DID put the $7/month insurance on it to cancel after my case comes in -- because $7 is better than over $100 if the screen gets broken again..... And Sarah's brother-in-law likes to try to fix things like this so as long as I'm cool with "if he bricks it he bricks it" and will pay for the screen, he'll try to fix it for me for free so I'll have an extra working phone for whenever anything happens to this one.

And it IS kinda cool, the way it broke, it looks like a phoenix in flight.

But my cat is an asshole. And he's damn lucky I love him. *rabble rabble rabble* That was far more of an emotional rollercoaster than I really needed to cope with this morning

I'mma go to late lunch with my parents. And then I think so long as I've got a pot of coffee and eight shots of espresso and a Dr. Pepper in my system since 3am, I might as well punch in and get the rest of my hours in and head home to bed early (for me) aka normal time for normal circadian rhythms, lol..... Also,  I don't know when I can go home - they're replacing the carpet in the hallways in my building today.  Was planning to be home to relax the animals,  but Spock can freak the fuck out about the smells/ sounds in the hall for fuck all I care.  It's his own damn fault I didn't come home by 9am as i originally told him I would.  No sympathy. I forgive him and won't yell at him when i get home even, but no sympathy for him freaking out alone til I decide to go home tonight.....

P.S. For lunch, I totally went for comfort food, lol. A beer and a grilled cheese with tomato soup and french fries. πŸ˜‚  And not even a gourmet sort of grilled cheese -- we're talking American cheese on white bread grilled in butter 50s style kids' comfort food grilled cheese.  Completely perfect. I'm not even the least bit upset anymore about the phone or the bitty shards of glass I had embedded in my finger and cheek trying to coordinate meeting Shauna at the arrivals area of O'Hare.

The water rose faster than I could run, Oh my load has bruised my grieving bones. Forgive my sins for I haven't found God, and I don't know when I can trust my heart. But you were my rock never my stepping stone. You were never a stepping stone. She said "I'll be your rock when the water comes, Don't waste your life on the stepping stones."

Heading out now to go get Shaunakins at O'Hare.  Just wanted to say that i'm sorry it's hard and it exhausts you yet when you try to sleep you can't because you can't find a way to fix it.....  I can hear all that, same as I  can hear all your love and yearning and need.  I don't have an answer for you,  but i do know,  and i do wish i could hug you at least make it hurt less even if i can't give you the answers you seek.....

Time to use the loo quickly then pour the coffee in travel mugs then take my dog drive down to Chicago and back!  Well,  O'Hare,  lol.  But,  just thought you should know i'm sorry it's so hard right now....  It's not what i'd ever have chosen to make manifest.....  And if i could,  i'd share the weight and hug you til you find your way out, find the better path for you that's not so unbearable. I won't be dishonest or lie for you,  but I do hear how you hurt and are anxious and the weight on you,  and that I'd soothe as much as I could of that even if i couldn't  fully relieve it at this time, all things considered.

[post title: lyrics to the song Harbour Lights by A Silent Film.  Currently in the car.  They've been in the car a lot lately.]

April 18, 2017

For the record, eating a roll of Smarties then taking a sip of your lukewarm chai tea (sans milk of any sort because I don't have any milk at work) is a horrible horrible life decision... UGH! YECH!!!! That was so disgusting,,,,, Ewww, Don't. Just don't........

Yeah Smarties. Basically pastel colored slightly tart sugar wafers.  Weirdly, I love them. It's a childhood memory thing. So whenever I go to the craft store, they always have bags of them by the checkout area and invariably (unless they're sold out) I buy a bag of Smarties rolls...... And Crissy and I went to Michael's then Target tonight. (To entertain ourselves and also because we both had things that actually needed to be bought at both places so we figured might as well run our errands together. Also, it was really hard to turn off Billy Joel on randomize that was put on for my dog while I was gone....had to catch just the right moment between songs, because as soon as I heard the start of a song I'd know which one it was and then want to listen to it, lol. Which took several songs longer than you might expect.)

Ugh.... But don't make that mistake I just made with Smarties and lukewarm chai. Don't. I'd never have thought it, but it's DEFINITELY one of those "why the hell did I just do this to myself and what do I do now?!" unfortunate food/drink pairings.....Blech. That was terrible.

In other news:

I got a poem for my fortune cookie from lunch, lol. Perfect timing as it's national poetry month.  Everyone else (Mikaela had off school today but had an afternoon doctor's appointment, thus I came in to work to spend the day with her then get some hours in) got normal fortune cookies with varying versions of you will be prosperous etc. But mine was a poem, and a philosophical one at that:

"A man without aim is like a clock without hands, as useless if it turns as if it stands."

(Incidentally, my learn Chinese on the back is Summer.)

Speaking of Chinese food, Audrey got the dumpling box in her BarkBox for this month!!!!!! (We opened it yesterday.)

I've been wanting it for ages, but my little bear luck dragon is incredibly destructive of her toys so I couldn't justify spending $16 for MAYBE 20 minutes of playing. But I've wanted it for a while because it's just so cute. Well, it came in her BarkBox this month!!!! My guess is that it was a mis-manufacture (it has two dumplings, not three) so they threw them into some boxes rather than get rid of them or anything. But hell if I care if there's 2 or 3 dumplings when you open the velcro of the take out box -- it's fucking adorable!!!!

She's already surgically removed the squeakers and destroyed them and I've sewn up the dumplings again -- but she still likes to carry around the box with the dumplings to show off to people.then open it and show off the dumplings too. It's one of her more favorite toys. She does have favorites, and usually she's kinder to these than her other ones, lol.

(She also got an entire beef trachea to eat -- in addition to the two bags of treats and the awesome squeaky bouncy ball of Lady Liberty's head. NYC themed box.)

O! And thinking of which! These are the suede boots I got for under $15 that I'm so excited about!!! I still need to spray them, but I love them!!! COMPLETELY my style too!!! And only $14.75 for them!!! (I needed new brown boots too, actually)

Driving down to Chicago at like 3am tomorrow night/Weds morning to pick Shauna up at O'Hare at 6am on Weds. I'm so excited to see her!!!!!!! Can't wait for super huge cousin hugs from the petite powerhouse Aries in my life (she's not even 5'0 and has never weighed more than 90lbs; she was born  something like three months early, back in the 90s -- so preemie there were months of doubt if she'd even survive; she's tiny but fierce as fuck) and the sunrise early morning drive back home!!!! (Today she specifically asked me again if I'll bring my dog to pick her up as she misses her puppeh time, lol.) And then Weds/Thurs I dunno my plans... Working but maybe spending time with my cousins.... At least on Wednesday.  I'm so excited for Shauna hugs!!!! I haven't seen her in nearly a year -- not since she came home for Jenna's death (her bosses have been horrid to her, wouldn't give her time to come home for any holidays) and I've not been back out to L.A. where she lives now to visit her... And she said that was why she asked me first before figuring out anything else if I couldn't pick her up or it was too much trouble for me -- so we could have several hours in the car to catch up. We're clearly not fond of each other, lol.

Also, it sounds quite lovely  for my prospective Wednesday to spend it with Shauna and Sabra, my cousins who are like my youngest sisters, and Sabra's baby Vivian!  Here's a picture from four or five years ago that grandma took of Sabra, Shauna, and me (left to right, also youngest to oldest) at grandma's before the Seder.

(the dragon batik behind us is something my Aunt Linda brought back for my grandma during one of her travels back when she was an entrepreneur as the dress lady: designing dresses/skirts, wintering in Bali/Thailand to pick out cotton fabrics and batiks and overseeing the manufacture of her dresses/skirts, then selling them downtown and at various hippie festivals all summer long.)

Then Friday night a big family pizza party. Saturday Farmer's Market in the morning then dinner at Lilly's and re-watching Gremlins with Lilly, Thomas, Michelle, Crissy, and Hal. Sunday morning games and tacos with the Coutures (more family, on mum's side) then matinee of the Magic Flute. Then heading in to work. So if I don't post much or find anything I feel like writing here, that's my general plans this coming week.

More later, another time. gonna get some work in now. But I just wanted to warn you NOT to eat a roll (or two or three or six) of Smarties and then drink lukewarm chai now that I know how disgusting that is, so you don't accidentally do it too.

Don't. (Or do if you like. But know you do so with the fair warning it's quite a disgusting combination.) It was BAD. Ugh. Ewww. Ewww ewww ewww.....Can I hop back in time and warn myself and undo that life choice now? Please and thank you.